Finally sort of came to terms with somehting...I know some abductees lurk but don't post so...

My astral abductions with benevolent greys literally started the Monday after my grandmother's funeral, 29 March 1993 when I saw short shadowy figures standing around my bed and felt energy rising through my feet...but didn't understand why. The experiences accelerated right up to 28 April 1998...the day I found out I was an abductee and the day my torture began and all my emotional ability was severed (for those that don't know, my attacks literally began the exact moment I found out I was an abductee...something I would later understand was because my perps needed a devastating event to get at me finally, and that was it).

Most abductees move through their experiences and come to one of two conclusions: 1) their experiences made them grow and they have loving connections with their ET contact or 2) the experiences were not good for them and they ordered their ET contacts out of their lives.

Because of what happened on 28 April 1998, I never really got the chance to move through my abduction experiences and figure out for myself where I wanted to be placed. And I won't lie...I feel jealous, cheated, and robbed because of it.

I had told myself in the past that I would survive my attacks and when I did I would be able to try and go through the abduction experience and finally come to some conclusion. During the download in 2003 the greys actually had me walk to a local beach and met there telling me "Do not come back here until you are ready." The invitation was there, I just had to get better.

That was 6 years ago...

What I have now come to realize is this...I doubt very much after 11 years of torture I'm going to be ready in this lifetime. There are some parts of me that died during this experience and did not come back. The concept is, "you'll escape this hell, go back to people/entities that care, and everything will be ok." But I'm realizing more and more that it's closer to when a child is abducted by a predator and tortured/raped for years and then suddenly returned to the family. It really isn't the same anymore and never will be.

When the benvolent ones have shown up, as loving as the energy feels, I experience fear. But the fear isn't because I am being visited by short grey ETs or because of the unknown, it's more like a sensation of "Dear God, please don't crush me anymore."

I'm writing this for several reasons. I think a lot of us who are abductees and underwent this horror and survived...and had to sit back and watch as others didn't for no better reason other than luck...have to deal with the expectations of abductees who did not undergo this hell, or underwent this hell but only for a shortened duration because they had the structure and support systems needed to move through rapidly. We do not exist to support and fulfill the expectations and comfort of others. We exist to support ourselves (And I think there will be a rift among abductees due to this very issue, with survivors forming a sort of Israel).

Please do what is right for you in this life based on honest personal reflection and need, not for some emotionally fulfilling fantasy that others live off of with no reality check.