Saara's MAP and other oddities' journal

[Saara]

I have a bad habit of slacking off with pretty much everything so I figured I should start posting here so I won't do it with MAP - maybe I'll feel bad about not posting anything ;). I've already tried MAP once but I got lazy after something around day 20-30 and I forgot what page I was on <cough>, so this might help with that problem too. Well, I recorded day 5 in the morning with the intention of starting this journal so I hope I'll remember to update this thread tomorrow too... This would be day 6 then, but I haven't started the exercises for today yet.
So this is straight from my dream journal:

3/8/2010 DAY 5
I asked my higher self for help in achieving an OBE today after finishing the MAP exercises... As soon as I finished my list of ''why would you and I both benefit from me having OBEs'' (I was half joking), I felt a rush of energy in my solar plexus area! It moved around all the primary centers in my stomach area, but it stopped only briefly on my navel center - it's probably because I've been stimulating it a bit more than the others. It concentrated on my base center for the longest time and at the same time I also got strong sensations on my left foot. I think I had an energy blockage in my smallest toe, because it hurt (a lot! Ouch!) and the energy feel was concentrating on it. I was slightly doubtful at the time whether it was really my higher self answering, but I was still 99,9% sure that at least it wasn't me doing it - it felt as if the energy was moving by itself! Also, it happened right after I asked for my higher self for help... There's no way I can ignore that! I think I'm starting to believe in this more than before, although I can't say that I don't believe either. It's kind of hard to explain... I guess it's just the teeny little sceptic me in my head that likes to poke me every now and then. Oh, and I felt that I was about to OBE a few times during my energy readjustment, but I was afraid that the ''fixing'' might not be completed if I started running in the middle! By hindsight that seems a bit silly now - I had asked for help with getting an OBE after all!

Oops.
And I forgot to write it down, but I felt slightly lightheaded a few times during this. Also thinking about it now, I think I've actually heard my higher self several times. I never noticed it before I got introduced to AP, but I've occasionally heard a voice simply comment a little on what was running through my head (it was usually something funny) and when needed the voice sometimes comforted me and reasoned me out of.. er, unhealthy thoughts. I did notice it at that time, but I never thought it might be him (he sounds male so I'll just call him a he. I guess they don't have genders in the spirit world, but ''it'' sounds just wrong and unrespectful). Oh, and my left leg is buzzing right now. It feels kind of weird since I'm not doing anything...

[CFTraveler]

I sometimes hear a male voice and a female voice when I'm in the liminal state. I wouldn't say it's your 'Higher Self', but IMO self-aspects, and as such, will have different degrees of awareness and knowledge. That's one of those phenomena that hindsight clears up, after a while.

[Saara]

Hehe true, I think you might have something there :wink:. I've even been wondering myself if my higher self would even talk to me in the first place (especially if it's a trivial matter) and it would be a bit funny if my he'd be the tiny wry voice that sometimes comments on my doings in the back of my head (I sound crazy :lol:). But I do still think that the voice that made me stop wallowing in self-pity and my, uh, plans (well at least plans, haha. It actually said ''your family will be sad'' very matter-of-factly) was not me. I don't know what it was but it was too out of place to have been me. Of course there's the possibility that some small part of me didn't want it, but I personally believe it was something else... Not necessarily him, but something. Oh, and nope - I'm not depressed or otherwise unstable, I've gotten over all that... Glad I did.

3/10/2010 DAY 6 (it was already 3/10. Thanks, school essays. Love you too)
I was very tired, so I only finished relaxing my legs because I felt that I was about to doze off any minute - I already felt like a noodle without having to do any relaxation techniques. I wanted to just fall asleep but at the same time I didn't want to neglect MAP, so I simply did all the exercises at the same time (haha!). I was mentally too tired for the affirmations so I did them only a few times, maybe around 5. Breath awareness was easy as I didn't have to think about it, but energy work went just as sluggishly as I felt... It was harder to move my energy up than down so I just moved it around my legs because I couldn't make the mental effort. Quite quickly I noticed that I didn't have to do anything because my legs were doing it themselves... Handy. So I just lazed and did my breath awareness only. I started feeling an energy sensation at the back of my neck and shoulder blades, and my base center was doing things on its own. I also felt like someone had stuck his fingers or was poking inside my chest around my heart/armpit area. At first it was slightly uncomfortable but I got used to it fairly quickly. I suddenly heard a loud GONG! noise next to my head, which startled me by quite a bit because there wasn't supposed to be anyone in my room and I wasn't expecting to be in trance so soon, since it usually takes me at least 30-40 minutes to feel heaviness. So I opened my eyes to make sure that no one was going to eat me (blame the horror films :D), but as I saw nothing I calmed down and reasoned to myself that it was because I had gotten in trance. As I closed my eyes again, I saw a black eye looking at me from the darkness... Its iris was a purpleish grey color. I wasn't scared like I'd usually be so I stared at it for a moment and it faded after a few seconds. By now my upper body and head started rocking, which I was happy about. I've gotten energy sensations there, but the only place I've been able to loosen is my legs and arms. It's always felt like my head is glued to my face, like it would be a mask I can't take off. I thought of trying to AP and visualized myself getting lighter but I fell asleep soon.

I haven't been able to remember my dreams for 2 mornings in a row. Grr! Also, my left leg has been buzzing the whole time... Still!

[Saara]

I'm ill so I haven't been able to get myself up from bed to write... I don't remember pretty much anything of what I did yesterday night, but at least I know that I finished the MAP exercises because my bookmark moved mysteriously to day 8. I guess it's a mix of being delirious and of nothing spectacular happening. Oh well.

I did have an interesting dream though. I remember seeing a part of it as a kid (I had forgotten it until I had this dream, but I remember what happened now) - the shadow and the duct tape woman (they were from two different dreams), but this time I acted differently as I didn't go superhero mode on the duct tape woman before because I was too scared. The shadow was just the antagonist of my dream this time, not the ''end boss''. At that time it was a nightmare from what I woke up in sweat and heart racing, but now I felt alright for most of the part.

3/11/2010 The shadow
I followed my dad and K (my older brother) to an egyptian-themed museum out of curiosity... I think they were going to rob it. As we broke in from the backdoor, we were caught by the guard, but he only smiled and let us through. We walked through the dark corridors when I started feeling very scared and my flashlight's battery was running empty. K and dad's flashlights were OK, but I guess it just gives a sense of security if you have at least something to protect you from the shadow. So I quickened my pace and went between dad and K to feel more secure, but I started feeling bad as I was using them to shield myself while keeping them in the ''danger zone''. I didn't have much time to ponder that, because we ran into a woman - another robber - when we turned around the corner. She was in front of a display case, but I don't remember what was inside (I don't think I noticed it in the dream either so I guess it wasn't even important). She quickly grabbed a gun and threatened to shoot us if we interfere. She pushed my dad to the corner near the bed (the museum room looked more like a bedroom) so he'd be her hostage and turned her back to me... I knew that she was going to kill us after she finishes with whatever she was doing so after some gathering of my courage and quick hand signs at my dad, I hit her lower back with my knee and used it as a pivot to make her fall using her own body as a lever. She did fall (very nicely, too) so I jumped on her and used duct tape to tape her on the ground. She slithered out of it like a snake... It did look a bit creepy. Well, I taped her again, and this time it held. I felt very proud of myself and I'd made up for using them as a shield.
The scene shifted and now I was at the airport with both of my real parents (they're not together in reality), K, uncle C and his family - his wife T and his 6-year-old daugher A that I'm pretty fond of. We were going to a ''horror roleplay vacation'' where we'll go into a supposedly haunted house... I knew what we were going to face because I remembered my dream from childhood where I was in the house so I can't really say that I was very enthusiastic about it. I tried to make my uncle leave A to the airport with me so we could wait for them - I didn't want a little girl like her to go to a place like that, but I couldn't persuade him. I overheard the owner of the roleplay vacation company say to someone that now the monster was real instead of an actor and that two people had already been killed (in the dream I saw as a kid, the ''shadow'' was in the attic right on top of my bedroom and I just happened to go there. I don't remember much of what happened, but it was really really scary... Even now. Makes me still a bit paranoid since it's dark and all!). They went and I stayed at the airport, but in the dream I didn't feel bad about leaving them to face it. I saw ''clips'' of what was happening in the house, but I don't remember what it was.

I think it went OK. I also remember hearing ''I have to become proficient with the shadow'' before falling asleep, but I don't know if it was just some astral noises (or whatever you call it) or random mind chattering, so I'm not sure if it had anything to do with the dream. Oh, and the monster does look like a shadow. It's pure black ''energy'' in the shape of a spider or a walking hand.

[Saara]

I've been doing MAP but I haven't been bothered to write about it... Well, at least it isn't the other way around. :D

3/13/2010 DAY 9
I didn't use BWGen because the volume is too high for me even when it's on lowest. It sounds alright when I don't listeningly listen to it, but when I do, it starts to sound like a jet engine. The volume went up when I concentrated on the bottom of the sound and went back down when I stopped... It's hard to describe sound with words, but what made it roar was ''under'' the sound or physically in the back of my head (I know. ''????'' :roll:)... I make no sense! I got a headache from it yesterday night, too (because of the volume). It could also be that maybe I've just finally become a nut. I listened to it a while ago and it sounded OK. Hmm... It might have been astral noises but I swear it sounded like the normal BWGen track (week 2)!
The relaxation was quite easy, but I couldn't decide on whether to breathe through my stomach or chest. I've heard that stomach breathing is better since babies do it, but I haven't been able to find out any hard facts about it being any better or worse. Besides, I go to bed before the kids (I know, weird) so I haven't been able to go and stare at them sleeping (it sounds kind of creepy too. I'd freak out if my brother/sister stood next to my bed in the middle of the night staring at me... No thanks). So, I breathed through my stomach just in case. If someone has any extra info on that one, please share!
I finished the optional legwork exercises and the hand/arm ones, but my arm wasn't responding to energy work at all. I sponged it a bit to clear the blockages when a thought popped into my head - what about bothering my higher self? Yay! Er, well I said in my head that he had free hands with me and I trust that he knows what's best for me. Right after that my base center and left foot both started buzzing once again... If it was my higher self each time, what's up with the base center and left leg? They're both responsive (actually, I think they're the most responsive parts thanks to him buzzing them all the time assuming I reached him on the other times too) so I don't think he's clearing blockages... Oh well. Someone knows, maybe just him. The base center buzzing stopped quite quickly, but my left foot's energy sensations got stronger and it got hot instead of the usual ''just warm''! Like I'd been warming it in front of a hot fireplace (not in the fire, haha). Also, the buzz started small but soon I felt like someone was sticking his hand inside me, starting from my toes. It was a bit uncomfortable at first but I got used to it after a while. I also started feeling like someone was giving me a bone-deep massage... I felt hands both on the inside and outside going up and down, giving a gentle squeeze every now and then (there was just that one hand that felt even close to being physical inside my foot though. It didn't go any further than my ankle). The buzzing and massaging spread from my toes, finally up to my knee... buzzed a bit, and stopped. I think the whole thing took maybe 10 minutes.

Another weird thing is that something just clicked in my head in the morning and I decided to delete all my video games from the computer. I've been addicted to them for maybe 5 years tops and during the summer I spent maybe 12 hours each day in front of the computer... But I didn't even feel like I regretted it! That was totally out of character.
I also was half lucid this morning, which was pretty cool as I've never been able to become lucid yet (or even close), at least while remembering anything. I knew in the back of my head that this wasn't real and my thoughts resembled my conscious thinking more than the ''I only feel or just think of the whole concept''-style of thinking I have in my dreams and during meditation. I've also noticed an increase in déjà vu-experiences since restarting MAP, and I was even able to write one of them down so I could verify that I actually did dream about it! I had one about this forum too but I won't tell anything more about it so I won't change the potential future (hehe). I had this floaty feel in the morning too, so I thought I should try to project. I didn't get too far with my attempt because my dad broke it by coming to wake me up ''for sleeping too much''. Sigh - dad... :D
... And my left leg is buzzing again.

[CFTraveler]

Don't your headphones have volume control?

[Saara]

They do! The settings were on lowest on both my computer and the headphones. The sound got loud only when I concentrated on it.

EDIT: I tried listening to it again and the volume didn't go up. I'm not in trance though, so that might explain something... It might've just been astral noises. I'll try having BWGen on when I go to bed tonight so I'll see if anything similar happens.

[Saara]

My headphones are broken! Well, the left ear... thing works but the other one doesn't make a sound. It will probably take all the juice out of BWG (and the hearing from my left ear) because of the binaurals so I couldn't use BWGen at all :cry:. Oh well, another time then.

DAY 10 - If flying in astral is like having a ride on a giant bird without a seat belt, I want to try it!
I had lactic acids all over my body because of some sports I did yesterday so I couldn't really do any physical relaxation techniques, so I tried visualizing myself going down on an elevator through the basement and beyond (mm, cheesy). Quieting my mind was a bit harder because I had found out why had dad told me that you probably shouldn't listen to music before going to bed... Sigh. I tried visualizing playing Tetris and Mario tune in my head, but neither did my perfect, holeless lines or the annoying jingle of Mario get that persistent song out of my head. I finally got to the point where I was having a whole zoo roaring and quacking to get it out, but nooo (I even match the lyrics - ''nononononono''. Gosh! :D)! I gave up and let it go away by itself... It didn't, at least before I got to hypnagogics, but that's for a bit later.
Nothing interesting to say about energy work - it went as usual but this time my arms actually responded to sponging. I had some mild whole-body tingling but I was smart enough to break them by taking my second blanket off. Hey, it was hot! Well, I was finished with the program, maybe excluding the affirmations. I didn't remember what they were, other than way too long! I figured I should try some body loosening techniques. I got some mild pulling sensations while moving my awareness out of my body (actually, I was doing energy work on a doorknob. Whatever works), but nothing huge. After a while I got tired but noticed that I wasn't feeling heavy in my upper body at all.
So, I visualized myself sinking into my bed. I was half hoping that I'd fall through it, but too bad nothing like that happened. I noticed at some point that my physical hand was in a different position than it felt - my fingers were wide open but they felt like my index and middle fingers were touching. I played around with the feeling for a while but still didn't feel relaxed enough so I decided to try to get to hypnagogics. I was a bit overly confident with my skills of staying awake, so I couldn't bother moving my arm to use the ''90 degrees'' technique (and to be honest I was just too lazy to move... But let's pretend you didn't read that). So, after Saara saw seven shiny seashells on the seashore shimmering in the sun, had a rendezvous with Harald the unicorn in rainbowland and had a long conversation with mr. Neg about Why Is He The Loser, I got approached by a giant roc who told me that he'll take me to a fairytale. We flew through what looked like teletubbie land when the roc suddenly decided to start doing loops in the air! I didn't even have a seat belt, but the funniest thing is that I was too fixated on whether he should've said ''I'll take you to the fairy land'' instead of ''tale'' (although I must admit that fairy tale is more romantic) that I was cool like a snowman and just held on to the seat like I'd be trying to hold on to an unruly hat trying to run away with the wind. The loops felt so realistic - like I'd be in a giant rollercoaster - that my conscious mind woke up with a kick on the butt. I felt a bit dizzy and remembered that someone had said that you might be able to get out of body after flying or similar acrobatic dreams but my trance was pretty much broken so I grudgingly lifted my hand, hoping I'll get into trance again without ''blacking out''. It was fun but I'm supposed to AP here!
... In the morning I was surprised to see that my hand was still in the air but I had slept like a log. So much for that technique!

The dream/hypnagogics were really trippy, but all of that actually happened. Okay, I maybe dramatized the seashell thing, but I did gather them on the beach :lol:

[Saara]

I'm going to be a bit busy this week so I doubt I'll be able to post for a while. It would be so nice if I could copy myself and it would do all the work for me so I could just slack off all day... Mmm...
Too bad. :)

Oh, and - wasn't the storage center below your navel called sub-navel?

[Saara]

I have 10 minutes before I have to prepare to go to school so I'll write quickly since I haven't got time to write anything big. I just had some creepy-ass hypnagogics/whatever you call it 5 minutes ago that really freaked me out.

16/3/2010 7:44 AM
I was sitting in my room meditating with the door open and looked at my dad's bookshelf which was on the other side of the hallway, maybe 15 meters away. I absent-mindedly thought that I'd want a small house whenever I move out because a big one might be a bit scary... Right when I finished thinking that, a female head with long hair SNAPPED into sight between an opening on the shelf. The rest of her followed as she climbed out onto the floor, her eyes fixed at me the whole time and a creepy smile on her lips. She crawled the first few steps like a lizard (think The Grudge's stairs scene where the thing comes down... Something like that) before she shot up and started running at me. I froze from pure shock and just stared at her coming towards me. She halted at my room's door and stood there staring at me. I freaked out and turned away from her, closing my eyes. You know - ''maybe if I ignore it, it might go away''. I couldn't believe what was happening. I was thinking that it could be a really mean joke by my dad - he does them sometimes. But this was too good - she just materialized through a damn bookshelf!

Aww, I can't write well enough to make it sound scary because I was so terrified that I think I would've just died from heart attack even if she didn't have anything unhealthy in mind. I opened my ''real'' eyes when I was about to turn back to her and was relieved that it hadn't been real, as I hadn't really been rolling my chair around like in the hypnagogics and I hadn't moved from the position I had been sitting in. Also, the bookshelf isn't really there and in hindsight it was more like I had been looking through a TV screen. Even with that, I quickly went and closed my door. And ugh, that makes me even more sure that I'd much rather have a small apartment :cry:

[CFTraveler]

I can delete this so I don't keep cluttering up your journal with comments, but I have to say that I get what you're saying: One of the most frightening things for me is when a hypnagogic face looks straight at you, eye-to eye, letting you know it's looking at you, not 'just there'. It's not the thing itself, (after all, it's just a person) it's the knowledge that they are there, looking at you. *shivers*.

[Saara]

Oh, it's fine if you keep the comment, I don't mind at all. And I totally have to agree - the scariest thing was exactly that she kept her eyes on me the whole time. I think I might not have been as frightened as I was if she'd just been walking around (though I still would've been scared half to death ;)), but the intensity of her stare was very disturbing.

//EDIT: More schoolwork!! I ca't write in ages since I have several essays I have to finish and a painting for an art school I'm trying to get into. Might take more than a month.