advice needed on friend's suicide

[Seeuzin]

8 days ago on Monday morning, my friend Matt killed himself. Since then, I have felt strangled by rage. My heart constricts around itself, clinging to any good energy I have left, as if to say, "It's mine, only mine." When I don't feel rageful, my thinking becomes extremely distorted, and I feel like I'm looking at the world through a fun-house mirror: everything appears backwards and disfigured. At other times I feel like I'm recalling feelings I had when I was only five years old, and they grow so overwhelming that I draw into myself and can't converse with anyone.

I want to be able to face events like this with the courage of a spiritual warrior. That doesn't mean I don't want to feel the pain; what this means is that I want to be able to do the right thing in the face of the pain. And I have failed in that:

When I saw Matt being put in the ground, my thoughts felt rageful enough that if it were possible to scorch something with a thought, mine would have set on fire the entire graveyard. I screamed at him in my head, hoping he was watching everyone and could somehow hear: "This is your fault. You bastard. There is so much suffering here. How could you be such a coward?"

To boot it was my fault my friend didn't make it to the funeral. She had a right to be there, or to make her own choice about whether to go or not, and I took it from her.

I told a person who was just as upset as me at Matt's death that "I hope he suffers." "It won't make me happy," I said, "but I hope he suffers hellishly." They listened with patience and courage, and they let me let it out. But I know it caused them pain to hear me.

I feel like such a monster. What do you do when you do things that seem unforgiveable? I keep praying to the Universe..."Please heal the hurts I have caused in others, because I am too brittle and angry to be able to properly comfort them. Please forgive me. And please grant me the strength to do the right thing the next time something like this happens."

What do you do when you're in that kind of situation AND you're struggling with feeling like you're five again, and don't know why? I don't know what Matt's death has tapped into for me, that I would be brought back to that mind-state of being that young.

I want courage so badly and here I had an opportunity to show some, and I failed. I didn't think I was that kind of person. The kind that would give up their convictions when they feel enough pain, or are made angry enough.

My one consolation is I feel positive entities surround and protect me when I pray to them, so they must not think I'm a waste of their efforts. It is because of what good they must see in me that I feel encouraged.

[CFTraveler]

Hi Seeuzin.
I guess I don't have to tell you that your reaction is perfectly normal, and that what you were doing was venting your pain. I know you know this intellectually, and perhaps you feel the need to punish yourself because of the way you reacted- it makes you the bad guy and not he, even though it was his act that caused this pain.
Of course, you realize that he felt at the time that it was the only thing to do. Unfortunately in cases like this, there is no hindsight- at least not in the traditional sense.
I am sorry for your loss- I know the pain is great and it's going to take a while for you to forgive yourself before you're ready to forgive him- but it will happen, in due time.
I will either link you to a thread that may (or may not) be helpful to you, I hope you read it and derive some comfort from it.
*virtual hug*

[ButterflyWoman]

Okay, this is going to sound kind of off the wall, I suspect, but I think perhaps what you're feeling is actually Matt's presence. All of the things you're describing are exactly the sort of thing that someone who has committed suicide is likely to feel, just before and after they die. I would reckon he's angry and confused and sorry and all of the things you're feeling.

I suspect that the reason you can feel them is that he's kind of "broadcasting" and you just happen to be attuned not only to his "frequency" (so to speak) but also because of your interest in things metaphysical, you're more sensitive. I don't think he's targeting you or anything of that sort. He's just sending out these signals, and you're picking up on them.

Some of what you're feeling is undoubtedly your own grief. It seems, though, that that some of it is coming from him.

You can try several things. The first thing I seriously strongly recommend is setting up some basic psychic shielding. Just an energy shield should help, but a salt bath and walking over running water can't possibly hurt. Breaking any immediate psychic ties may help to lessen some of the pain.

You can, if you wish, just let this process run its course and deal with it as it goes. This is not going to be pleasant, but it may help you to heal in ways you haven't thought of yet (stirring up stuff in yourself that you need to address, that sort of thing).

Also, you might want to try actually communicating with Matt. He may or may not be receptive to communication (i.e., his "broadcast" may be more like a one-way radio signal than like a telephone line), but you might give it a try. Before you attempt such a thing, though, you really need good psychic protection, including a basic energy shield.

Off the top of my head, I can't think of anything else to recommend, and, to be honest, I've never before suspected that someone was under the influence (indirect or otherwise) of a deceased friend, but that's just really how this looks to me. You may as well proceed as if that is the case. If this is all purely within your own self and emotions, that will become clear, as well.

And for a third time I'm going to recommend the psychic shielding. I think it will help, if only to deflect wayward energies you don't need to deal with while you're healing.

Much love and positive thoughts.

[Beekeeper]

Seeuzin, I had the same intuition as OW and it's not something I'd usually think. From a shamanistic point-of-view, if you're too closely tied to someone deceased and such an energy exchange continues between you you may find yourself weakened, depressed and even becoming ill. Try the cord cutting technique so that any grief and anger you feel is your own.


What do you do when you're in that kind of situation AND you're struggling with feeling like you're five again, and don't know why? I don't know what Matt's death has tapped into for me, that I would be brought back to that mind-state of being that young.

I know I generally aggravate you when I respond to your posts by being too obvious but this event may be tapping into your feelings of powerlessness and vulnerability that you felt as a child. Alternately when a child aspect completely takes over, psychiatry calls it regression. It happens to people who cannot cope with extreme situations and they temporarily retreat into former behaviours. Or, something (even unrelated to the death) may have triggered the return of a soul fragment and you're coping with that on top of everything else that has happened.

I'm very sorry for your loss. Take good care.

[Seeuzin]

Hi, and thank you all so much for your replies...

CFTraveler,

It really helps that you speak to me so kindly when you don't even know me.

Do you still have the link you were going to post? I'd very much like to read it.

CaterpillarWoman,

The shields I set up in the past only drew in more negative attention, what's worked best so far is things that are based on simple boundary-setting, like the Circle of Protection technique that I do at night. If I set up any kind of "security system," things seem to go for it; if I simply say "this is my boundary and anything I need protection from can't cross," they mostly stay away.

I see a reiki master Sunday and will ask her about psychic shielding again, only this time I'll ask her for techniques that are based in boundary-setting...I have some ideas about what that entails and I'll build on those with her.

I also want to bring in your whole post to show her, if that's okay with you.

Beekeeper,


this event may be tapping into your feelings of powerlessness and vulnerability that you felt as a child.

That would make sense...also I think five years old was one of the last times I felt angry and it felt "okay." So if I'm letting myself feel angry again it makes sense that I would be taken back there.


Thank you all so much for your input.

[ButterflyWoman]

I also want to bring in your whole post to show her, if that's okay with you.
Of course. :)

For what it's worth, I gave a try to contacting your friend, but knowing only his name and the way he met his end wasn't enough to connect with him, except to get the impression that he's not at peace. I kinda feel like he expected death to be "the end" and now he's found that it wasn't, and he's not happy about it, which is an understatement. He didn't want to talk to me, anyway. I don't think he probably wants to talk to anyone. He seems to just be screaming in the astral and anyone attuned to it picks it up. Poor guy. I wish I could help. :(

Still sending you positive thoughts and appropriate hugs and that sort of thing.

One other thought. Try to nurture that inner child. Listen to her, honour her, find out what she needs and wants and see what you can do about giving it to her. She is part of you, and it's self-nurturing, which you certainly can use with the way you're feeling.

[Seeuzin]

My car was getting repaired today.

"Why would God make creation separate from the Creator? Why would the Supreme Being create anything outside of itself?" I thought as I sat in the mechanic shop. "Isn't one of the meanings of "Supreme Being" that It includes everything, that there is nothing that is truly separate from and outside of It?"

In that moment I knew that I was a part of the Supreme Being. Somewhere up "there," away from this plane, I could almost sense a radiant light. Whether it was my imagination or the "real deal" didn't matter.

If pain is an intoxicant, I can't even tell how much pain I'm in anymore. I have "drank myself sober." But I will keep at this, keep practicing.

Thank you all unreservedly for everything.

[ButterflyWoman]

"Why would God make creation separate from the Creator? Why would the Supreme Being create anything outside of itself?" I thought as I sat in the mechanic shop. "Isn't one of the meanings of "Supreme Being" that It includes everything, that there is nothing that is truly separate from and outside of It?"

In that moment I knew that I was a part of the Supreme Being.
You got it. :)


Somewhere up "there," away from this plane, I could almost sense a radiant light. Whether it was my imagination or the "real deal" didn't matter.
Imagination is more "real" than people think, and "reality" is less real than people imagine. ;)

And all of this is actually inside you, though it does feel like it's "out there". You'll experience this, eventually, as well.


If pain is an intoxicant, I can't even tell how much pain I'm in anymore.
Pain most definitely does have a way of cutting right through the bulls**t, if you'll pardon my language. I've spent a great deal of time "in the fire", as it were. It's painful to have this stuff burned away, no mistake, but later, when you're sitting in the ashes, you come to understand that the stuff that was burned away was not necessary and may even have been harming you.

I know it's not much comfort right now, but there you have it.

And what I'm seeing is that this event, your friend's death, has triggered a big "awakening event" in you, and part of what's happening is that a lot of your "ego stuff" (ideas, memories, thoughts, all that) is going to be brought out and burned away. It won't feel that nice. Try not to fight or struggle though, as that just makes it worse.

For what it's worth, my transformation/awakening/whatever you want to call it was triggered by the death of my grandmother. Her death wasn't even particularly unexpected, so I was surprised by how deeply it affected me, but in retrospect, I can see, that's what opened the floodgates and started the whole thing in earnest.

Many, many blessings.