Paralyzed into Mediocrity

[icwiz]

Hello Everyone,

Im a man who feels bound by himself.
I cannot move forward without reeling back.

I feel like nothing that i do matters in the world, that if i disappeared today, people might be sad, but it would inconsequential.

I spend my days trying to live with as little work and trouble around me, because i feel that i cannot handle any pressure. I feel i will fail at anything i do.

I dont know why im posting this here. I guess im hoping someone would have a spiritual idea as to why my im like this.

Thanks for listening,

--ICWiz

[CFTraveler]

Hi Icwiz.
How long have you been feeling like this?

[icwiz]

Its hard to say. I would say years. When i was younger it didnt matter so much as you dont have alot of responsiblities. It got worse and worse as i got old.

I suspected i was depressed so i got on some welbutrin. It might make me feel more happier, however it doesnt change how i think about myself.

[CFTraveler]

Well, do you mind talking about it? If you feel weird about talking publicly about it pm me.

[icwiz]

CFTraveler : I would be glad to tell my story :) Thanks for listening.

I grew up a really nerdy kid. I was picked on for most of my life and had very few, if any, friends. Girls wouldn't give me the time of day till i got out of high school. Because of this i grew up feeling very rejected by society and people. I felt that obviously there is something wrong with me since people dont like me. And the few occasions people would talk and be friendly, i would take their actions as being an act of pity.

I was considered a gifted kid in school but i was always close to failing my classes. This is because i hated to do the homework and take notes. I didnt need to do that in order to get perfect scores on my tests. And because i would fail even though i was getting high test scores, i began to hate school even more.

My parents, even though they are good parents, didnt know how to deal with this. They took the "spare the stick, spoil the child" approach. That further made me feel worthless.

Nowadays even though im fairly successful, i have no real deep confidence. What little confidence i do show is faked, just the means to be able to fit in. I feel that even though i have alot to offer, its nothing that anyone wants. This really pains me as ive been single for a long long time. Im not a weird guy. In fact nowadays i can get along with girls just fine. In my adulthood, im attractive. But deep down, im terrified. Ive never asked a girl out, never approached one.

The really big problem is that i hate doing any work. Its not just being lazy. Even things i want to do, i avoid. I have this super strong desire Not to work. Its like i feel that if i do, it will be in servatude of someone else. It will be alot of work for nothing. I feel that it will never be apperciated and even worse belittled.

I feel that if i fail, it will prove how much i really suck.

I dont believe in me.

--ICWiz

[CFTraveler]

CFTraveler : I would be glad to tell my story :) Thanks for listening.

I grew up a really nerdy kid. I was picked on for most of my life and had very few, if any, friends. Girls wouldn't give me the time of day till i got out of high school. Because of this i grew up feeling very rejected by society and people. I felt that obviously there is something wrong with me since people dont like me. And the few occasions people would talk and be friendly, i would take their actions as being an act of pity.

I was considered a gifted kid in school but i was always close to failing my classes. This is because i hated to do the homework and take notes. I didnt need to do that in order to get perfect scores on my tests. And because i would fail even though i was getting high test scores, i began to hate school even more.

My parents, even though they are good parents, didnt know how to deal with this. They took the "spare the stick, spoil the child" approach. That further made me feel worthless. I've know a few kids like you- in fact, I'm related to some. Kids who are smarter than those around them, including their parents. Those other kids that are not quite so smart envy them and put them down as much as possible, not because there is anything wrong with them, but because they feel inferior to them. I've seen this a lot. And then (and I'm sorry that this is you) you were probably smarter than your parents, who seem to have been damaged by strict ideas of 'how to be 'good' parents', who had very little in the way of coping skills, who probably mentally (if not physically) abused you in the name of 'doing the right thing'. They were probably guilt-ridden, and probably decided that it must be your fault that they didn't know how to handle you.

In reality, or at least in my experience, this scenario is quite common. You were not the problem, you were never the problem, but the people around you didn't know how to deal with someone like you- someone smarter than them, that didn't have to comply with the ideas of how they thought you should be.
But here's the thing- deep inside I know you know that they were not right, that they were so wrong that their behavior towards you- and that the way you feel about yourself is your way of making them 'right', mainly because they were the authority figure, who taught you how to be. And they royally screwed up.
You need to do three things: Realize that your acceptance of this wrong belief is your way of forgiving them, or at least the way you've been taught to forgive,which is probably to blindly obey and take in their beliefs.
Realize that you don't have to accept their wrong beliefs, that whatever made them do this to you had to do with what they learned before you even were born- that it almost had nothing to do with you. They didn't have the tools in the first place, so when you came along they did what they did because that's what they were taught.
You can divorce their beliefs and their actions from your being, without accepting their wrong beliefs. It's not easy, but it's better than feeling worthless.



Nowadays even though im fairly successful, i have no real deep confidence. What little confidence i do show is faked, just the means to be able to fit in. I feel that even though i have alot to offer, its nothing that anyone wants. This really pains me as ive been single for a long long time. Im not a weird guy. In fact nowadays i can get along with girls just fine. In my adulthood, im attractive. But deep down, im terrified. Ive never asked a girl out, never approached one. But you know it's because you don't think you deserve them the way you think now. It has nothing to do with looks, it has to do with what you believe about yourself. And what you believe is not true.


The really big problem is that i hate doing any work. Its not just being lazy. Even things i want to do, i avoid. I have this super strong desire Not to work. Its like i feel that if i do, it will be in servatude of someone else. It will be alot of work for nothing. I feel that it will never be apperciated and even worse belittled.
I have another possibility, and have some patience. Could you be afraid that you will succeed, and this will prove that your parents were wrong, that your ideas about yourself are wrong? Could it be possible that if you realize that you are wrong and can be successful, it will mean that you have lost some of your life being just that, mediocre?


I feel that if i fail, it will prove how much i really suck. But don't you already believe that? That's what I'm saying. You're not afraid of proving you suck, you're more afraid of proving you are a great intelligent human being. Because if you do succeed, then you will feel you've been living a lie- worse than a lie, someone else's lie.
Get it?

You know what? I know that you're not worthless. It's not belief, it's not fear, it's knowledge. I know you don't suck. So now what can you do with that? Argue with me? With who's argument, your own or someone else's?
Think about that for a while.

[Mishell]

I have also dealt with feelings of worthlessness my whole life. Recently I discovered a huge part of the problem. I have an intollerance to white flour.

It is amazing the difference in how I feel when it is and is not part of my diet. Any time I start to doubt the affect it has had on me and I eat something made of white flour the old feelings return.

I know from seeing a natureopath that a lot of people have a wheat intollerance and are not aware of it. Keep in mind that intollerances have totally different physical effects than allergies.

I would deffinately recommend you try removing wheat from your diet. It won't do you any harm, but it might do you a lot of good.

[star]

CFTraveler : I would be glad to tell my story :) Thanks for listening.

I grew up a really nerdy kid. I was picked on for most of my life and had very few, if any, friends. Girls wouldn't give me the time of day till i got out of high school. Because of this i grew up feeling very rejected by society and people. I felt that obviously there is something wrong with me since people dont like me. And the few occasions people would talk and be friendly, i would take their actions as being an act of pity.

I was considered a gifted kid in school but i was always close to failing my classes. This is because i hated to do the homework and take notes. I didnt need to do that in order to get perfect scores on my tests. And because i would fail even though i was getting high test scores, i began to hate school even more.

My parents, even though they are good parents, didnt know how to deal with this. They took the "spare the stick, spoil the child" approach. That further made me feel worthless.

Nowadays even though im fairly successful, i have no real deep confidence. What little confidence i do show is faked, just the means to be able to fit in. I feel that even though i have alot to offer, its nothing that anyone wants. This really pains me as ive been single for a long long time. Im not a weird guy. In fact nowadays i can get along with girls just fine. In my adulthood, im attractive. But deep down, im terrified. Ive never asked a girl out, never approached one.

The really big problem is that i hate doing any work. Its not just being lazy. Even things i want to do, i avoid. I have this super strong desire Not to work. Its like i feel that if i do, it will be in servatude of someone else. It will be alot of work for nothing. I feel that it will never be apperciated and even worse belittled.

I feel that if i fail, it will prove how much i really suck.

I dont believe in me.

--ICWiz


Then for now don't believe in yourself, believe in those who believe in you!

I'm saying that even if your having self esteem issues, or feel worthless its easy to see that people around you (now) don't think of you that way, its verification until you conceptualize it yourself. That's only one method of going about it though. There are many!

I grew up a really nerdy kid. I was picked on for most of my life and had very few, if any, friends. Girls wouldn't give me the time of day till i got out of high school. Because of this i grew up feeling very rejected by society and people. I felt that obviously there is something wrong with me since people dont like me. And the few occasions people would talk and be friendly, i would take their actions as being an act of pity.

Gosh, see? You understand now that people are not all terrible and will be friendly and approach you, even back in your "nerdy" days. I never did sports on High school, I enjoyed playing computer games, practicing tykwando (Black belt) and Soaring. But I had the tiniest group of friends and shyness was my forte` --- Like yourself I had social issues, I was medicated for a few conditions like Turrets and ADD, and was also picked on, throughtout middle school and into highschool. I'm still getting over alot of self esteem issues myself. Much of that carried over for me too.

The advice I want to give you for that is along the lines of "putting yourself out there" Its good to bring a friend who is outgoing and includes you in social activities. I met my current girlfriend becuase a friend of mine nearly forced me into talking to her! Night clubs are good for building social skills, becuase drunks will bump into you all night and talk to you about everything, bars too. Its how I got better at being social.
I've had so many people at the bar run over and tell me to stop being so shy and just talk to everyone! Heh!

You'll gain self esteem from all of this.. It builds confidence.


I was considered a gifted kid in school but i was always close to failing my classes. This is because i hated to do the homework and take notes. I didnt need to do that in order to get perfect scores on my tests. And because i would fail even though i was getting high test scores, i began to hate school even more.

I think I would have done better in school had my parents taken me off the drugs. ;)

My parents, even though they are good parents, didnt know how to deal with this.

Thats understandable, my dad used to tell me to get my bullies alone one by one and slam their heads into a brick wall. Or something along those lines.

Nowadays even though im fairly successful, i have no real deep confidence. What little confidence i do show is faked, just the means to be able to fit in. I feel that even though i have alot to offer, its nothing that anyone wants. This really pains me as ive been single for a long long time. Im not a weird guy. In fact nowadays i can get along with girls just fine. In my adulthood, im attractive. But deep down, im terrified. Ive never asked a girl out, never approached one.

At least hold that feeling that you know that your "attractive" it will help with talking to the ladies at first. You'll just have to learn how to remove your social "two left shoes" so to speak. Remeber to be yourself and talk about things that interest you, just as much as you ask questions about them, tell them about yourself.

You'll get it!

The really big problem is that i hate doing any work. Its not just being lazy. Even things i want to do, i avoid. I have this super strong desire Not to work. Its like i feel that if i do, it will be in servatude of someone else. It will be alot of work for nothing. I feel that it will never be apperciated and even worse belittled.
I don't know your situation there, but in my line of work, thats exactly how I'm treated much of the time. Be sure to check and see if thats really the case though.

I feel that if i fail, it will prove how much i really suck.

Well, didn't Thomas Edison fail at making the light bulb, until he eventually succeeded? Whatcha using for internal lighting right now? :P An oil lamp? :D

[icwiz]

CFTraveler: Wow thats a lot. Yeah I feel that i am like conforming in some way. The problem is that i dont know how to shake the Emotion. Its one thing to know that there is no reason to feel worthless, but its totally another thing to actually Feel that you are someone.

I dont know how to shake the feeling. How does one change their emotional state? Because if I have to wait for validation from life, i'll never start.

--ICWiz

[CFTraveler]

The first step is that realizing that the reason for those feelings is wrong (not the feelings themselves, there are no wrong feelings).
The second step is figuring out what was the reason for your being taught these wrong ideas. How were your parents raised, how was that relationship? In other words, how did your grandparents mess your parents up?
Once you understand this, look at the 'facts' you 'learned' from them- and realize that they're false, and declare them to be. Then forgive them. Forgiving them is not saying 'it's ok', it's acknowledge that you love them even when they taught you things that were wrong, and accept that they didn't know any better.
When you get to this point, I'll give you the next step.

[icwiz]

Yeah, I need to forgive. I am filled with a lot of anger at the world. And i do think that i hold myself back in a form of punishment to my parents. I need to forgive and then take a nice vacation where its warm and tropical, with lots of beautiful single women. Any ideas? :P

--ICWiz

[icwiz]

Nowadays even though im fairly successful, i have no real deep confidence. What little confidence i do show is faked, just the means to be able to fit in. I feel that even though i have alot to offer, its nothing that anyone wants. This really pains me as ive been single for a long long time. Im not a weird guy. In fact nowadays i can get along with girls just fine. In my adulthood, im attractive. But deep down, im terrified. Ive never asked a girl out, never approached one.

At least hold that feeling that you know that your "attractive" it will help with talking to the ladies at first. You'll just have to learn how to remove your social "two left shoes" so to speak. Remeber to be yourself and talk about things that interest you, just as much as you ask questions about them, tell them about yourself.

You'll get it!


Thanks for the advice :) My issue is fear in general. Im paralyzed by it. Basically if i feel that they will not appreciate me or what im saying, i wont do anything. And since i have issues with confidence, thats more often then not. If im not afraid i have no social issues at all. In fact when im being myself and being without fear, most people i know say im very interesting and fun to hang out with.

Its just fear. I dont know what to do about it. I dont like the idea of pushing through it because i dont see the other side.

[CFTraveler]

Sounds like you need to learn to tell the difference between love and approval. There are some love gurus out there that haven't learned the difference yet.

[icwiz]

Sounds like you need to learn to tell the difference between love and approval. There are some love gurus out there that haven't learned the difference yet.

Perhaps lol. how would you word the difference?

[CFTraveler]

Love is unconditional- I can love you but not necessarily approve of something you do.
For example, if my son flunks a test because he was lazy and didn't feel like studying, you bet that I am going to be all over his case about it. Now, I love him more than life, and would die for him in a minute. In less than a minute. But that doesn't mean I have to approve of everything he does.
It seems to me, and I see this more in the anglo-saxon world (this may be due to language) that many people can't separate behavior/action from the person- if you do something that's not exactly good for you (or for someone else) people tell you that you're 'bad', 'unruly', etc. - That is, the action seems to be considered the person. But in reality the action is the problem- if you do something bad for you, it's not that you're bad, it's that you did something unwise, etc. (and who doesn't, from time to time?) The behavior can be due to many things- lack of information, bad information, 'having had a bad day'- but the behavior can be changed- you will always be you. You see?
Unfortunately (and once again, I think it's a language thing, and language sometimes shapes culture) it becomes part of the paradigm, and when a young child does something wrong, like biting, etc- unacceptable behavior that can get them in trouble- they're told (sometimes even by teachers, who should have enough training to know better) that 'they're bad', instead of telling them 'biting is bad' (I use the word bad because it's simple, and young children understand simple.)
The problem with telling a young child that they're 'bad', (or stupid, or some other epithet) is that they'll start to believe it, and it's really hard later, when they're old enough- to break the programming.
Does this sound like it's what happened to you?