Is this meditation?

[CunoDante]

Maybe five or six years ago, I began to look into spiritual matters and have tried meditating on and off since then. In most places, I read that meditation was supposed to be keeping the mind totally clear of everything. This has been my greatest struggle with meditation because I've used my internal chatter for so long; that is, I use it to think and work out my problems, especially for school. I even use it for reading! I actually think that school has strengthened my internal chatter, especially with the reading aspect. Back in the 2nd or 3rd grade, we would have quiet time for reading (as opposed to reading aloud). My teachers would tell the class to just read the words aloud in your head so that you don't disturb anyone else in the class. I think this is what really gave a "voice" to my internal chatter, and since I read a lot, it has strengthened tremendously. (Even as I sit here right now, it's talking out everything as I type.) One thing that I do notice is that when I attempt to speed read -- or rather scan the words on the page so quickly that I don't catch much comprehension -- my incessant internal chatter is in some way not able to keep up and just sits back and watches in a whirl of confusion. Could this almost be considered a form of meditation?

Additionally, this morning when I first woke up, I was lying in my bed and decided to try meditating by focusing on my breathing (which I've tried often and normally doesn't work for me). This morning, though, something was different. For whatever reason, after each breath, I kept imagining a pinpoint of light that would expand in every direction, kind of like a balloon being inflated. I did this at the end of every breath, and for whatever reason, it seemed to remove the thought pressure that normally arises as I breathe. Normally, when I breathe, it seems that something centers itself in my head on the same level of my forehead but more towards the back of my head; this thing almost seems to come from above and "close down" or lightly "clamp down" onto the back of my head. The internal chatter that seems to arise whenever I attempt to meditate appears to be in some way connected to this. The ballooning action that I imagined this morning counteracted this. I even tried meditating this morning with my eyes open and just imagined balloons inflating on each inhalation from that point where thoughts arise, and did not get any thoughts for 30 seconds, which is a big accomplishment for me. (Note: The first time I tried this ballooning method, I was breathing quickly, so I imagined this action after my exhalation. In this instance with my eyes open, I was breathing more slowly, which usually provides more time for thoughts to arise, so I instead imagined the balloon effect as I inhaled.) Even though I was thinking about something (inflating balloons), would this count as meditation?

One final thought. Whenever I have attempted to meditate in the past, it has been so mentally exhausting. For that reason, I've never been able to successfully do it for long periods of time. I feel as though I have to give a ton of energy just to prevent any kind of thought from popping up (aside from the balloon method, which didn't take quite as much energy). I normally use so much mental energy that I almost always go into some kind of trance when I try to meditate due to exhaustion. Is meditation supposed to be like this?

[Korpo]

Meditation is not forced shutting down of the thinking mind. There are many definitions of meditation, and many points of view on it, but I can say for myself that trying "to shut the mind up" is a big and sadly to common misunderstanding of what meditation is.

Indeed, one of the products of meditation is the quiet mind. But not because we shut the mind up, but because the thought pressure lessens. The time-proven meditation techniques do not shut up anything. They just redirect the mind. On a mantra, the breath, the sensations within your body, the direct experience of your inner energy. The mind is more than thought, so if you successfully and gently direct the mind away to directly engage with something the mind can stay focussed on, this will "dry up" the cascade of thoughts. You just send your awareness elsewhere.

Some think that thoughts are an expression of energy. Awareness, directed consciousness, is an energy that can fuel chatter thoughts or be directed into other things. Awareness can be directed to other processes within the mind, so that mind starts to understand itself. There are answers within the mind and ways of understanding that are triggered by the direct and immediate non-thinking experience we get when we successfully direct the mind on something instead of just thinking about it.

Since the mind is not used to this, since the mind habitually thinks, this is not easy. Learning mediation is in the beginning like learning to walk. Nothing fits together, everything works different, and only in rare moments when everything fits together you get these "Wow!" experiences, and then it is back to simple, repetitive exercises.

Some people think getting distracted during meditation is failure. It is not. Every time you recognise distraction and gently bring your mind back to the meditation focus is a success! Every time you do this your mind becomes more apt at focussing and will be better at meditating in the future. The simple act of staying aware and steadily coming back to focus will create a mind that will later on let deep meditation arise on its own.


This morning, though, something was different. For whatever reason, after each breath, I kept imagining a pinpoint of light that would expand in every direction, kind of like a balloon being inflated. I did this at the end of every breath, and for whatever reason, it seemed to remove the thought pressure that normally arises as I breathe.

This is a visualisation that obviously helps you focus. Since you don't know what made you do that I personally am of the conviction this "inspiration" was indeed a little help from the higher aspects of your self or maybe a spirit guide - if you believe in such things. I just became aware of the fact that during the years I had many sudden, spontaneous ideas during energy work and meditation that made all the difference to the result. This sudden ideas I have come to see as "outside inspiration" that just ended up in my mind to help me out. The effectiveness of this technique in aiding your efforts seems to support this.

I'd say, keep doing this technique and experiment with it, and "listen" to other inspiritations you get.

Take good care,
Oliver