Why can't I love?

[Chris_com28]

I used to be able to feel love. Now I feel only hate. I try to pretend that I'm happy but I still feel the hate insiode my heart. You know what annoys be the most. The word love. I hate it. I hate the way I can't stand it. I hate the way I've been betrayed by it. It's come to the point that it makes me feel physically sick. I feel words come to my mind that don't feel like mine. I'm always hating and the word "love" just makes me hate more. Is there anyone else that feels like me or am I alone with this? I hear about how great this emotion is and how cleansing it is but all I feel is betrayal.

PS: I am a bit drunk but I need to get this off my chest.

[sleeper]

It's a really good thing that you said it; it's actually really hard to admit things like that.

Dealing with the things that caused you so much pain will take time and be hard, so don't worry about rushing through that stuff. When you feel like the anger is taking over, remember that it takes more effort to harbor resentment towards people than to let go of it. While you certainly have good reasons to have gotten angry in the past, you have good or better reasons to have a fulfilled life now.

[Tom]

My guess is that most people using the word "love" don't even really know what it means. What really bites is thinking that everyone else has something you're missing out on and that you have to have it, too, to have a meaningful existence. Just keep in mind that this is not so.

[Chris_com28]

Thanks for replying. It means a lot for me right now

The thing is that I've delt with the pain and want to be through with it. I want to rush through it because I'm sick of feeling numb inside.


When you feel like the anger is taking over, remember that it takes more effort to harbor resentment towards people than to let go of it.
I would disagree. I mean I hate all the time now. It's like I'm not even myself. It's easier for me to hate, which is why I do it. I feel that love has let me down. I came to this company (it's a long story) with open arms in hope that they would help me. It turns out that they don't give a s*** about me and only care about profit (to bribe polititions no doubt).


[My guess is that most people using the word "love" don't even really know what it means. /quote]
I think you're right. There are two kinds. The kind of love that is expressed if you're following the line you're supposed to form. And there's the kind of love that has no such conditions. I think I know what kind of love you mean. I've felt something like it before, but I fall so quickly. I've felt the bliss of channeling reiki. It's the closest I can get the the kind of love that people describe. Then the next day i feel like ♥♥♥♥. Right now having reiki sessions is the only thing that keeps me from hating. Everytime I wake up I think about how much I hate people. It just doesn't seem like the person I should be, but it's how I feel inside.


[quote:3trgmt65][What really bites is thinking that everyone else has something you're missing out on and that you have to have it, too, to have a meaningful existence. Just keep in mind that this is not so./quote]
What do you mean? I really feel like I'm missing out on something. I want to be happy. i Want to have a wife or at least a girlfriend, but the fact that my heart is as dead as a dodo (sorry for the cliche) makes me think I'll be for the rest of my life, feeling like s*** and occiasionallly posting on forums my twisted problems.

[quote:3trgmt65]What really bites is thinking that everyone else has something you're missing out on and that you have to have it, too, to have a meaningful existence. Just keep in mind that this is not so.[/quote:3trgmt65][/quote:3trgmt65]
Well I think they do. I can't read their minds but they seem pretty normal to me. I mean It's like I'm the only person who got their heart broken. Any happiness is short loved and I'm just waiting for a reason to hate. I'm just hoping that there's a way out of this cycle of hate.

[Chris_com28]

I'm not asking for someone to help me. I know that willl be too much. I'm just hoping that people willl sympathise with how I feel inside. Being drunk had nothing to do with it, it just allowed me to exress how I feel inside. I feel only hate and I feel it's their fualt. I had hope and they replaced it with hate. They put a blokage in everything and offer no appology in return. Everything they offer is an empty promise.

I'll think I'lll call it a night now. Good night.

[ButterflyWoman]

Hate is just a form of anger, and in almost every case, anger has its roots in fear. Underneath all of it, you are fearful of something, probably of several kinds of something. Only you know what the fears are.

I can tell you some of the fears I've had to deal with that made me hateful and angry, if it will help.

Fear of rejection, fear that I really am unlovable, fear that I really am worthless, fear that I am helpless, fear that I am without power, fear that I will be abused/hurt.

Other emotions included shame, in the form of guilt and humiliation.

Once I addressed these things, and really, all I had to do was find them and acknowledge them and then desire and intend to let them go, there was healing. It's not always immediate, though it can be. Sometimes it takes a while to heal, but with true desire and intention to let these things go and heal, you will.

I could write a big essay about the difference between the emotion that people call "love", which is really just "strong like" in almost every case, though sometimes with other stuff thrown in like concern, desire, affection, etc., and true, spiritual love (which is not an emotion but the energy of Source), but I'll save that for another time. ;)

For now, know that your hatred and anger is based on fear. This is always the case. Always. Get rid of the fear, you WILL start to heal. Take that from someone who spent most of her life filled with rage... (thankfully, I'm not that any more, though I still have my moments of falling back into old habits and I can get pretty bitchy ;)).


I'm just hoping that people willl sympathise with how I feel inside. Being drunk had nothing to do with it, it just allowed me to exress how I feel inside. I feel only hate and I feel it's their fualt. I had hope and they replaced it with hate. They put a blokage in everything and offer no appology in return. Everything they offer is an empty promise.
Sounds like my parents. Took years of work to overcome the damage they did. I still have to work at it, and I'm 44 years old now.

And I do sympathise, and empathise, as well.

[Chris_com28]

I guess the real fear is that people will betray my love and trust and turn it into feelings of hate.


Fear of rejection, fear that I really am unlovable, fear that I really am worthless, fear that I am helpless, fear that I am without power, fear that I will be abused/hurt.

Other emotions included shame, in the form of guilt and humiliation.

Thats pretty much how I feel, but shame is more in the solar plexus to me. It maks me have confidence.



I could write a big essay about the difference between the emotion that people call "love", which is really just "strong like" in almost every case, though sometimes with other stuff thrown in like concern, desire, affection, etc., and true, spiritual love (which is not an emotion but the energy of Source), but I'll save that for another time.

I think that would actuallly help if you made a post devoted to that (for othet people aswell). I'm starting to think that there's a conspiracy to think of love as merely a set of chaines to hold you down. I really can't destinguish between the two.


[quote][Sounds like my parents. Took years of work to overcome the damage they did. I still have to work at it, and I'm 44 years old now. /quote]
Just like my parents as well. At least they seem to be fighting my side, but for so long they took the side of the enemy. Each time it sent a splinter into my heart. They've ignored so much of my pain. I'm sorry for feeling like this but I feel totally f****ed by everyone.

It feels great that someone else emapthysis with me. It's just a shame that I'm probably going to wake with a throbing headache and a hate big enough to consume the Earth. Thanks for being there. :)

[ButterflyWoman]

They've ignored so much of my pain. I'm sorry for feeling like this but I feel totally f****ed by everyone.
You don't have to be sorry. Just be willing to release it. It will take time. I understand PERFECTLY what you're saying, and I've been there and done that. On rare occasions, I still get a bit close to feeling that way, actually.


It feels great that someone else emapthysis with me. It's just a shame that I'm probably going to wake with a throbing headache and a hate big enough to consume the Earth. Thanks for being there. :)
You're welcome. Actually, when I opened this post I got a big wave of dizziness and just the edge of what might be nausea. Typically, this is how I feel when I have too much to drink. So the empathy is obviously really there! LOL! ;)

[Chris_com28]

Well I feel much better now. I feel a bit ood for opening myself up like this, but I'm glad people have been understanding. I just hope people understand when I act like a ba****d because of this. I just turn cold evey now and again and sometimes say things that I probably shouldn't have said. Well my heart chakra seems fine right now. Sometimes it feels so dead that I want to rip it out, but it's been feeling good the past few days.

The things is that I've been trying to release it for some time now. It seems it doesn't want to go. I remember once I got rid of my phonophobia (it's one of the causes of my problems) and my OCD brought it back. It probably means I have to gain some control over my OCD first. Sometimes I wonder if it's karmic; there's some reason for me being like this, for me to learn something. Well I guess it will probably go some how. It's just dealing with the pain right now. Some times it gets too much.


Actually, when I opened this post I got a big wave of dizziness and just the edge of what might be nausea. Typically, this is how I feel when I have too much to drink. So the empathy is obviously really there! LOL!
Lol. Actually I was feeling sick then. It was the reason I left the club, (I wasn't really in the mood for dancing, I just though it might help me forget my troubles) as I didn't want to look an idiot with all them people around. Though I think the nausea may be due to stress. I've had that before. I've felt so sick in the heart that I wan't to be sick.

I've had similar experiences before. It's pretty interesting. I once made the correct guest that someone was really tired when they made a post. It was quite funny as whenever I read it I felt like the person was falling asleep.

So you sometimes feel the same? I guess it's normal for a lot of people. It's good that you managed to get better from it. I guess I'm a lot better than what I used to be, though I think it's partly that I'm suppressing my rage or that it fades to hate and resentment.

[wstein]

I find that this kind of 'hate' (with rejection of love) is sometimes fueled by (being) hurt. Sometimes hurt is expressed as hate when we are unable to face the cause of that hurt. In a sense, one is screaming in pain. In cases like this its not really about love or hate. If this is resonating for you, try to gently consider who hurt you and how.

[Mishell]

Isn't this thread pretty negative for the Love forum?

The question is rhetorical of course. It is too negative for a forum that is meant to be uplifting. It makes the whole sub-forum feel soiled.

[ButterflyWoman]

Which forum do you think would be more appropriate? We can always move a thread. ;)

[Chris_com28]

I find that this kind of 'hate' (with rejection of love) is sometimes fueled by (being) hurt. Sometimes hurt is expressed as hate when we are unable to face the cause of that hurt. In a sense, one is screaming in pain. In cases like this its not really about love or hate. If this is resonating for you, try to gently consider who hurt you and how.
That is true. I have been hurt quite a bit. I'm kind of thinking that learning to forgive and accept would help me to heal. Though I find forgiving really hard to do.

[Chris_com28]

I find that this kind of 'hate' (with rejection of love) is sometimes fueled by (being) hurt. Sometimes hurt is expressed as hate when we are unable to face the cause of that hurt. In a sense, one is screaming in pain. In cases like this its not really about love or hate. If this is resonating for you, try to gently consider who hurt you and how.
That is true. I have been hurt quite a bit. I'm kind of thinking that learning to forgive and accept would help me to heal. Though I find forgiving really hard to do.


Isn't this thread pretty negative for the Love forum?

The question is rhetorical of course. It is too negative for a forum that is meant to be uplifting. It makes the whole sub-forum feel soiled.
Sorry to ruin the atmosphere of the forum. I'm not sure if there's a better place to move it to, but if there is then it could probably be moved there.

[CFTraveler]

I usually move negative posts about Love to the Expanding consciousness forum but I didn't do it this time because I saw a need for it to be here, and I am convinced that it only seems negative if you read the beginning.
Some very perceptive individuals realized that the problem is not Chris' inability to feel Love, but one that is a little more complicated yet resolveable. Not sure if it can be resolved here, but I see solutions to it.
Chris, I have stayed back from commenting because I'm not always the right person to talk to when you are in a place of pain- I'm not always sympathetic (although can feel it- sympathy is not empathy)- because when it's not a problem I'm having, I can see things in it that I hope the person will eventually come to see themselves, and I believe you are this close to seeing it.
If you want me to move it I will, this time it's up to you.
I just think that you don't have a problem with Love, and Love doesn't have a problem with you either.
I'll let this thread develop on it's own with what you discover about yourself, unless you really want me to move it or comment.

[ButterflyWoman]

I have been hurt quite a bit. I'm kind of thinking that learning to forgive and accept would help me to heal. Though I find forgiving really hard to do.
Yes, me, too. Very deeply and profoundly damaged, in fact. I know what you mean.

A word about forgiveness. I understand PERFECTLY why you say that it's difficult. I have found forgiveness to be sort of two steps forward and one step back. Eventually, though, I realised a few things that helped.

First, my refusal to forgive was only hurting ME. The people who hurt me couldn't have cared less if I forgave them or not. As far as they were concerned, they were in the right, anyway, and if I held a grudge, well, too bad for me! So by harbouring all of my anger and refusing to forgive them, I was hurting NOBODY by MYSELF.

Imagine if you had a house and someone came and dumped a bunch of rotten garbage in the livingroom and then left. It IS their responsibility, yes. They did it. BUT... you have to live with it. You have the choice of stubbornly living with rotten garbage or cleaning it out yourself. Yeah, they should be the ones to take responsibility for it, but they're not going to. Ever. So the choice is basically, live with the garbage or get rid of it and live more happily.

Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, not for others. Yeah, sometimes when you forgive it can lead to reconciliation, etc., but most of the time, it doesn't. Most of the time, people who hurt you don't care at all that they did it, and even if you forgive them totally, it won't change them or the relationship.

Another analogy I found helpful is to imagine that you have loaned someone money. They owe it to you, and they know it. You pursue them about it, and they never respond. You keep it "on the books", and every time you balance them, you remember that debt. Eventually, you come to the point where you figure out that it's not worth keeping it on the books, it's not worth pursuing it, and they're never going to settle up, so you forgive the debt and strike it off the books, mark it as a loss, and go on with your life and your bookeeping, now free of having to remember and pursue a debt that is never going to be settled.

Most people think of forgiveness as some sort of saying "Oh, well, it's okay what you did," but it's not that. It's never okay. You're just choosing, for your own health and sanity and well being, to stop carrying it around with you, and stop letting it unbalance your books and stink up your house. ;)

It has taken me many years to learn how to forgive. I still have a few people that I have a bit of a grudge against, but when those memories come up, I just work to release them. I don't need to be angry, to be hurt, to keep accounts for what other people do. I'm accountable for myself, and for my actions, and also for my reactions. Holding on to other people's misbehaviour is just a burden to me, so I choose to unburden myself.

The people who have hurt me will answer for their actions eventually, just as I will answer for my own actions. I may as well let go and let the Universe deal with it . I also suspcet strongly that until I let go, the Universe can't deal with it, as with many kinds of manifestation; as long as you hold onto it tightly, it's in your hands, not the hands of God, so to speak (please note that when I say "God" I don't refer to any specific deity figure; I mean Source, The Universe, The Infinite Consciousness, and so forth).

[johnbrent]

Well, my question is why can't I be loved... I think we all have to be happy with ourselves before we find happiness with others.

[Chris_com28]

First, my refusal to forgive was only hurting ME. The people who hurt me couldn't have cared less if I forgave them or not. As far as they were concerned, they were in the right, anyway, and if I held a grudge, well, too bad for me! So by harbouring all of my anger and refusing to forgive them, I was hurting NOBODY by MYSELF.
That's the thing. It doesn't make sense to forgive someone who's not even sorry. It's like being sorry for something you didn't do, which is how a certain person tried to make me feel today. It's almost like letting them win and I don't want that. People are just so darn disconnected they don't even know or care what they're doing. I don't see why I should be examining myself when others around me don't even bother.


Well, my question is why can't I be loved... I think we all have to be happy with ourselves before we find happiness with others.
I used to be liek that. I still relapse sometimes, but after all that I've experienced I don't give a s*** if someone loves me or not. I mean people just suck. Why would I care if someone I have no respect for loves me or not? Further more I don't see how or why I should love or frogive someone who I have no respect for. Not too say that I'm better than them. In fact I'll freely admit that I can be and am a b*****d, but at least I admit it.

Sorry, but this forgiveness thing is starting to sound more and more rediculous.

[CFTraveler]

That's the thing. It doesn't make sense to forgive someone who's not even sorry. Then you don't know what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is not connected to any outcome but your own. Forgiveness is not doing something to someone else- forgiveness is simply refusing to continue to be affected by another person and their actions.
It's that simple.


It's like being sorry for something you didn't do, You can be sorry for something you didn't do. Sorry doesn't mean 'it's my fault', sorry means 'I don't like what happened. How people felt.' You seem to think that taking responsibility for something means it's your fault. It doesn't- it means that you had a hand in whatever happened. And usually, that is the case, regardless on who's fault it was.


It's almost like letting them win and I don't want that. It sounds as if you are still feeling controlled by someone else, and you are getting something out of it. Being a victim is a payoff, and it can be habit forming. "Winning" and "Losing" requires two people, and it sounds like you'd still have that interaction than not. Too bad, because with that outlook, you'll never feel better.


People are just so darn disconnected they don't even know or care what they're doing. I don't see why you care what other people do.


I don't see why I should be examining myself when others around me don't even bother. Because the only person that you can change is you, and continuing to want to get good feelings from others is never going to work. Other people are not you, and your feelings come from you, not others.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but if you are ever going to be anything close to happy you are going to have to learn that life isn't about making others make you feel good, and about blaming others for feeling bad. At some point you will have to decide you want to feel better by working on your own outlook, which from your posts seems extremely codependent.
I understand that at a certain age this is natural, but at some point you have to realize that in life there will be others that do not care about you, so you better learn that you have to care about yourself first- and not depend on others to feel good.

And then maybe you'll find someone who you love, not because they 'owe' you anything, but simply because you want the best for them. And that is love.

[Chris_com28]

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but if you are ever going to be anything close to happy you are going to have to learn that life isn't about making others make you feel good, and about blaming others for feeling bad. At some point you will have to decide you want to feel better by working on your own outlook, which from your posts seems extremely codependent.

I'm not sure how I gave the impression about wanting others to make me feel good. Though not that I can actually deny it as I'm yet to know more about myself. I think you're probably right about me blaming others for feeling bad. I did that a bit before I matured more. I realise that there's more factors that alter my emotions and try not to pin it on others, though there are times when others are to blame.

Anyway, I'm going to think about this a bit more and come back to it later.

[aprilla]

It may sound harsh a little, but what do you expect? your dealing with selfish people who are only interested in self gain(we are not exactly living in an airy fairy heaven where everyone thinks only about other people.) It's a rare find indeed if you come across a workplace that allows for employees to benefit more than they.
Took me a while to realize through my own niave outlook, that most people are in fact motivated by their own self interest, and businesses/workplaces are typical, not just relationships.
Let this be a lesson not only about knowing more about yourself, your fears, desires etc, but about your niave outlook, learning to discern and developing intuition/gut feelings,and develop sound judgements. if you had had these very good qualities in the first place, you would have spotted the shortcomings and either left the company, or, realized the company was a lie, and wouldn't have had the positive expectations and trust in them as you did.

I have been through the same, yes I was angry and even bitter, but when I realized just how niave(and selfish) I was too,I laughed and it opened up a new way of seeing things.
Perhaps this is just what the doctor ordered for your personal development
Once bitten, twice shy eh?

[Chris_com28]

I discovered something today. It seems all my anger toward my parents was because of Asperger syndrome (AS). I think all our conflict was because of our AS (I think my father has a bit). It was two conflicting emotions that casued us to clash heads quite a bit. I also find karma quite a common theme in my life. I find that things I have trouble with now I also inflicted on others. The love testers helped me experience this to some extent. It's a sahem my heart closes so often I'm never able to make a permanent change in myself. I thought I would post this here, so I will remeber it later when I'm sober.
It seems my realy anger is against AS and how people don't really seem to understand it. I think I'll have to research it some more now. Anyway, it's not often I've have an epithany (actually I've had quite a few in my short life-time) like this so I had to post it.

Thanks

Chris

[Steph08]

Well I think your just in pain that
love betrayed you because you cant
accept it that's why you cant feel love
or you hate the word love.

--STeph

http://i38.tinypic.com/314w9hh.jpg

[Serpentarius]

I guess the real fear is that people will betray my love and trust and turn it into feelings of hate.

That's just simply how people are. People can be compassionate and caring, but they also can be selfish and cruel. That's simply how people are.
I think if you accept that people are like they are and not as you wish them to be (always faithful, loving, compassionate to you) you may learn to love them not demanding to be loved back.

You can only be yourself and other people can only be themselves. Being loving and caring to people doesn't mean they also have to be like that towards you, nor you can demand that.
It is just not like that.

Blessings
S.

[ButterflyWoman]

Hmm. Not sure why I didn't follow up on this when it was posted, but I'm kind of surprised to see that, even with two metaphorical examples and what I thought was a pretty clear explanation of what I was talking about, it was still unclear. :shock:

I do agree with what CFT said about the idea of forgiveness. She gets it. I'm glad she followed up, because she said pretty much what I would have.

[Timotheus]

:D

[wstein]

Are we more potter or clay??

Hi,
Cause love's such an old fashion word, and love dares you to care for the people on the edge of the night, and loves dares you to change the way of caring about ourselves, this is our last chance, this is our last chance, this is ourselves....under pressure

[yortyort]

Hey Chris,
I just read throught his thread and was actually brought to tears by hearing the amount of pain you were in. I hope very much that you have resolved those problems with others and yourself.
In this society, Love is basically a misnomer of what it actually means. If I were to say I Love you, Chris, people would think I was gay because that's what Love means to everybody now. Love is an energy that is forgiving and caring and any positive feeling, that's to be felt toward friends.
I have realized that to be happy you have to love thy neighbor as thyself, and I have come to, but I think your problem was that you didn't have any neighbors in your life...
I Love you and all on the forum :D ,
Troy

[newfreedom]

remember that it takes more effort to harbor resentment towards people than to let go of it.
this is definately my experience now, but managing to release the conditioned thoughts, judgements, automated reactions/ responses and the beliefs and then the underlying emotions connected to some of these was no 'mean feat'

At least for me anyway, but it must be do-able because i have done it /am doing it daily i feel so,
(ps. i have not read all the thread, if my comment seems a 'little' weird !)

GudLuck Chris, hope you sort it :)

[gnosis]

"how to expand your love' by the 14th Dalai Lama (that's the current dalai lama) was a very useful book for me in a time of my life when i felt a bit incapable of love. it has alot of really good meditations and explains how most people day to day definition of love is very superficial and selfish for example you love somone because they are nice to you, they are pleasant presances for you to be around, you gain joy by being around them. while on the other hand you hate somone who makes you feel bad, or doesn't help you, or doesn't make you feel good. it is selfish to base love around what people do for you. you should love everyone equally, from your mother, to the president, to your best friend, to fidel castro. god is love-love is god!

[embrace]

Look at it differently: you have not been betrayed by LOVE. Your LOVE has always been pure and genuine - you haven't lost anything. It's the person who had betrayed you lost something. Love is (supposed to be) an altruistic feeling and is (supposed to be) directed to another person regardless of what you get back from it. I know that now it's gone, but wasn't it beautiful for YOU, when you felt it?

Again, you haven't been betrayed by LOVE :)

[ButterflyWoman]

It's the person who had betrayed you lost something.
Then there's another step into "overview", which is that it's only your definitions and beliefs that make whatever that person did a "betrayal". In other words, it's contextual. Remove the context, no more betrayal.

Betrayal is based in the idea of having rules and expectations about how someone else is supposed to act. When and if they don't act that way, it may be interpreted as anything from mildly annoying through the deepest of betrayals. Remove the idea that there are rules that someone else has to follow and you remove most of that.

I'm not suggesting that we shouldn't have expectations for relationships, by the way. I'm just looking at it from a somewhat more meta perspective. "Betrayal" is very much in the context of beliefs. Loosen those beliefs, ease those expectations, betrayal is not so much of an issue....

This is, of course, true of everything, not just relationships.