I hope somebody can help me

[Moogle]

As a kid at 5 yrs old I was sprayed on by a government helicopter that dropped chemicals over my yard killing all my plants... these chemicals dropped on my skin...

Well what a coincidence... two days later I have a seizure... before it telling my mommy my tummy feels weird... or something I dont know...

Well... this is what happened:

I bit my tongue and bled everywhere convulsing more than someone being shocked by a jurassic park fence so I'm told...

Anyway...

This is fine because I keep growing up...

Until age 7... where I get cursed... I had a seizure so powerful it broke the very reality of myself...

How?

I remember seeing a land of brightness and peace and calm... I just remember it being there seeing a home and my mom and peacefulness and wanting to stay there or go there I don't know what was going on...

But I just know... BOOOM

BLACKNESS... TOTAL BLACKNESS

I felt like my entire essence of all that was me... now I know there are people reading this spaced out... and stuff... but take even that quality of yourself... everything that is you...

Squash it into the size of a tennis ball... then on all of that 360 degree sphereical surface is an even SHOCKING BURNING PRESSURE....

I just remember burning... my soul.. or something I'm not sure what it was...

But it was like that...

I woke up in the bathroom on the toilet... I was wetter than when I had taken a shower and as warm on the outside as what you would experience on a hot summer day on your skin... I remember that in retrospection... but at the time I just went to bed or something I don't know... And hell... maybe this was a dream even... but if it was a dream... was it perhaps myself being split in to alternate realities? Cause you don't even understand... I was there even in feeling and pain etc...

So I am sure it was real... it's just such a torturous thing you dont remember it really it was it is most likely

Ok so... since then I have felt like I carry that pressure I encountered during that seizure with me... I realized that just lately...

If I get high... if I drink etc... it stays there usually... if I get so faded that it lifts... I get screwed because

I CANT RELAX... if I lift it from me by focusing on my breath... well the pressure just spreads to wherever my focus is...

All of robert bruce techniques don't work... I just get tense...

He says that's fine in his books but uhhh... I mean like it even gets so bad to where I cannot even keep my eyes closed...

So in my consciousness ... (before I had smoked weed and became conscious of this umm... unconscious hell I was carrying around from that seizure)... it was just a body feeling ya know? You just become used to it... It was like ALL MY ANXIOUSNESS... like a fire inside that I had gotten used to having by doing all kind of hyper activities...

Well heh... having done weed... and etc... I see now...

I am constantly with my MIND and consciousness... and my breath... and parts of my body (it feels like at the base of my spine kinda but I can breathe relaxing kinda and it feels like a whole body pressure)... CONSTANTLY pressing back on THIS INTERNAL PRESSURE

If I do not do this... I DONT GET TIRED AND GO TO SLEEP... I CANT EVEN THINK AT ALL... I space out... I lose everything because there is nowhere else for this pressure...

It is not tensing I dont think... I got tense because of it meshing with my uncsconious routine of how I should feel in my conscious...

But it is not really tensing...

It is like a constant fire everywhere... burning or something... Did God thrust his energy upon me or something? What did I do?

This is going to really get to you... my tempature was like 86 to never being above 94-96 growing up...

Now it is kinda 98...

Doing the breathing... I tense up and my head gets cold but I have this stress I can't get rid of in my breath...

And right now I have reverted back to how I used to be which will even out again I guess... but...

My head feels very warm but I probably dont even have a fever... heh..

Heck ... doing that relaxing stuff... my breath got so stressed... my chest would even get more warm than my gut... and the skin would get red on it sometimes...

What is wrong with me?

I'm afraid if I do a salt bath and this neg stuff is real... well... I can't stop the force of God... and I dont think any of you can either... cause if that's not what it was well... umm... wow...

All you people out there saying you want a spiritual change... you'll do best to relax while you can... I don't have that luxuary anymore...

I have to get back down to 120lbs (200lbs now 5'8")... I know I am chubby :(.. well... the stress was toos trong... now I can focus my breath more and press back on the umm... God pressure? I dont know what it is rofl... but i am gonna get back down to 120 so my body can handle this hell and I will be probably some pompous genius against my will... but hey

Pain owns me...

And please... dont try to help me if you dont know what you are doing... If it's a neg it could kill you I'm sure...

I feel like I am on a planet with 8 times normal gravity in my body... and well... the only cure is getting in shape and using the energy...

Yeah spirtuality! :O

Hehe... and to quote 2pac "and still I smile n***a!" :P

[Jerico]

Firstly, the smoking has to stop. It inhibits the natural spiritual process, the Buddhists themselves argue this.

Secondly, I do not believe this is God, but a complex energy imbalance. I have worked with healing for a few years now, and every time people told me it was God or the devil, the healing results came as usual. I do not believe things are as bad as they may seem.

I also suggest calling up a therapist to help with the emotional pain. When energy is so out of whack there can be permanent damage if things are not sorted out, and mental health professionals base their lives around things like that.

The only thing you’ll ever have to confront is yourself, and even that does not have to be a violent or hopeless encounter. Help us out and stand tall, friend. Stop the smoking and visit with a psychologist, and we will do everything we can.

[Moogle]

Well, I haven't smoked or drank alcohol in a year... and I think only had two sodas in the last year...

I do take 100mg of Seroquel (anti-psychotic) each night...

I hallucinated thx to having drank an entire bottle of cough syrup... but I think most anyone woulda hallucinated taking that lol... but anyway...
I was at a very low point in my life where I couldn't do anything seemingly... it just felt so beyond hopeless... haven't felt that way in a long time... anywho... that was why I got pronounced schizophrenic...

COUGH SYRUP EXPERIENCE:
I saw a red sky for just a bit probably my vision... minds eye kinda superimposed over what I was seeing is what I think.. well... I saw a reddish sky and heard an AUMMM sound very low pitched but OMINOUS AND LOUD... I went in to a gas station... and I was feeling this like vibration inside of myself... in my core... it felt like I could lose consciousness but I didnt.... I was getting confused every 5 seconds or so... changing what I thought I should do... it ended up I stayed conscious... anyway... when I got in the gas station... there was a ballast in there out or something... that electric HUMMM... which was probably very quiet really but I was experiencing a very profound silence... well that ballast eletrical hum... vibrated with me... it was really weird... it felt like very strange...

I was shocked as kid by an outlet... but also as a kid I had that seizure once... well I suppose the two coulda happened at the same day and been connected but I dont know cause I somehow got down stairs to the bathroom if that is the case... now that I think bout it that coulda happened :o If I think about it I have a flashbulb memory of it happening... and just being like damn that was a shock... and after that not sure... I think yeah it coulda been related... cause I cant remember after that what psychiatrists would call a light-bulb memory :o

So anyway:
I had a RELAPSE or so my parents call it, I hadn't been taking my meds but been fine and meditating a bit and such for months and months... In the "relapse" I got kinda psychotic again and though the Robert Bruce book was evil :o I saw negative visions in my minds eye while walking around... related to when I got really scared about something... when really I probably coulda hve turned that negative feeling in to euphoria if I just woulda controlled my breath better... I was in the bathroom at a time and I saw a minds eye vision of the trash can fly off and hit the ground... and just around the corner out from view the trash can lid had fallen off!!!
So it corollated somehow... perhaps a neg? Perhaps my own negative thoughts? I don't know...

Hrmm... well anyway

I cannot prevent taking this medicine and wouldnt really want to now because my parents believe I am schizophrenic which I dont really believe completely... but I am willing to take that small about of meds

I don't think they understand that I have like feelings of total enlightenment... where I can sit still for hours at a time very content and euphoric...

I doubt that medicine would cause that :O


This morning I found I could slow myself down and feel really nice as opposed to all anxious...

Not sure if you guys had done anything last night or what heh... or whether it was that ST in BG guy who thinks he is a E.T. zeta on that forum I post at heh...

I have felt tingling on my nose too lately in the past few days in addition to my forehead center...

When I feel that tingling on my forehead... the tingling on my nose happens sometimes and it almost seems to make me breath better and feel better... AHH

My eyes look like I have done COKE or something sometimes... it can't be the medicine doing this is my thinking...

Perhaps one of you may have some information?

I feel such a euphoric high... it is like... I remember vividly in color in my imagination... being with my friends in a culdisack experiencing rain and being high heh...

My highs at first were very like AHHHHHing... I would just sit still thinking... but I was there..

At the worst I would freak out cause I couldnt think... but I think if I would breathed it woulda changed maybe...

I am curious about this...

Umm let me go measure my vitals...

This morning I was at first 140 systolic, 90 diastolic, 92 pulse
After doing that slowing down breathing that was also alot of a mental act... I was at 130 pulse 70 dialostic 90 pulse... (that is a resting pulse)...
Lets go see what it is now...

138 systolic, 64 diastolic, 88 pulse :X

I am starting to feel some of the pressure I did last night again... hrmmm...

I know a way of breathing now to circumvent it but it results in much tingling on my forehead lol or putting pressure on my spine area when breathing... but I dont think that helps... but it ends up happening... I've tried to avoid doing either heh... staying centered or something and ignoring it...

That ST in BG character told me I am wired for higher... and he won't tell me how it happened... HRMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmm

I am ok and not scared with this but man... it's really interesting...

[Quantitativefool]

I'm glad you have somewhat of an improvement.

I am going to send my own prayers and healing energy toward you. I really do hope you improve and things start going well. It sounds like a living hell for awhile for you.

-Stu

I urge you to pray to Blessed Alphonsa of India. Her intercession is very powerful, for she suffered herself. I shall pray as well.


Blessed Alphonsa, praise the Lord...
For His mercy endures forever!
See Blessed Alphonsa in Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blessed_Alphonsa) (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blessed_Alphonsa)…