John Selby's "De-beliefing Process" for Anger

[Korpo]

Hello.

I came over a very useful exercise in John Selby's book "Quiet Your Mind" which I wanted to share. It is a process of uncovering a personal belief or emotional/mental pattern and challenging it, here adapted to anger:



De-Beliefing Step 1:

First of all, state clearly who you're angry at and why. Express the underlying thoughts that are generating anger. For example: "I'm angry at Philip because what he said last night hurt my feelings." Ideally write your statement down.

[...]

De-Beliefing Step 2:

The second step is to honestly question whether the statement, and the beliefs behind the statement, are true. Why "should" another person behave the way we want them to? And why "should" they be held responsible for our feelings, if we're the ones thinking the thoughts that make us feel bad?

[...]

De-Beliefing Step 3:

The third step in the process is to ask, "How might I be benefiting, from believing that my reaction is valid?"

[...]

De-Beliefing Step 4:

The fourth step in this process is to ask, "How is my life being upset or even damaged by holding onto the belief that someone has wronged me?"

[...]

De-Beliefing Step 5:

The fifth step, the primary provoker of rapid insight and "letting go", involves asking the question "How would my life change if I let go of the belief that this person wronged me?".
(John Selby, "Quiet Your Mind", pp. 83-85, Rider, 2004)

As simple as it may seem, you should put some effort into it, especially into looking into the other person's point of view in step 2. You don't have to adopt it, just see whether from their assumptions it has validity and if they could have acted differently. What was really disappointing - the person reacting according to an innate pattern we knew the person had or that the person violated our expectations, hopes, wishes?

The basic assumption is that we often cannot another person, but achieve a realistic relationship - to the person and to our own wishes, expectations and perceptions, which we can change.

I applied this process to an anger problem in my mind, with not much immediate change. Days later however I recognised how the anger had lessened by a good degree. It seems to untangle the emotional knot, loosen the ends, and start healing through inner insight.

Hope you find it useful, too. The book is chock-full of useful stuff like this, and also has detailed examples.

Oliver

[Serenity]

This could be a very useful tool, I agree.

The only big problem I can see with this is the deep, true anger. The kind that lasts for years. With that kind of anger, some people can't identify the cause.

There should be a prologue to this about identifying who/what you are angry at/about.

Still, a good technique for dealing with anger. Especially the day-to-day annoyances that can build up.

[Korpo]

Serenity, I agree. :)

I recently read in a book by David Richo - "How to be an adult" - how these changes usually come about. They usually come when the spiritual seeker is ready. I think I agree with this - often enough issues resurface when I can deal with them. I guess when you start applying techniques like this you sooner or later get to the core issues.

Similar in my energy work - which is just the most direct version of the process: Dealing with the underlying energy. You start with surface knots, recent events, easier problems. But in the mind and body, all energies are connected. Blockages link to each other, releasing energies trigger other blockages, releasing a seemingly easy issue can start loosening a long-term issue. Reversing the habit of anger may start a deeper healing where the subconscious releases the anger habit by de-conditioning, and then you can tackle the original motivator for the "anger personality".

I agree - the initial phase of step 1 strongly depends on your skills of self-insight. However, the more you tackle such problems and try to be truthful to yourself, the more of the right answers you get in my experience. This relates to "being ready" for change. The more readiness you develop, the deeper the insights will be you can work upon. Starting small is the key here, I guess.

Each tool depends on a certain skill to be useful - whether it is the trained ability to feel subtle energies or the self-insight that can only come from honest soulsearching. But in my experience not even knowing is enough - spelling it out like the technique above I think can make a big difference. Else you might just still want to hold on instead of let go.

Take good care,
Oliver

[Korpo]

Hello, Alex.

I'm not sure we need "to put something back". I think that is the fear of nothingness or no-existence. We can remove and go on, and what will surface at the end is our innate, true nature.

See, if you remove an ego belief, what you removed is an ego pattern. What you reinstate next is possibly just another ego pattern, albeit a better one. I agree this can be useful, especially if you feel strongly guided to do this.

If you however just feel afraid of leaving something undefined, empty and open you're still holding on to the principle of control instead of the principle of letting go. Spirit cannot be willed into us, we only can make space.

This is of course under the assumption you want spirit. ;)

So - if you feel strongly guided, I guess it is okay to put "better beliefs" in place. If however you feel just uneasy about letting go then I would do nothing. It takes faith to let spirit in your life. Trust does not come easily. Nothingness and emptiness and letting go trigger our most basic fears of non-existence and death of ego. But only by letting go and making space for spirit the transformation happens in the end.

If you leave the space, you open up for the possibility of your true self to manifest more strongly within you every day. That is what I try for.

Thank you for your thoughts,
Oliver

[Korpo]

I think you are right.

Your Higher Self can manifest and tell what belief would serve you better - for now. It just depends on how you feel - do you feel putting the new programming in is a good idea and feels right - bingo! If you feel uneasy about leaving something undefined and resolve itself - I'd be inclined to think that is a fear-based reaction. The key here is the feeling of confidence and trust in your own decision.

The other aspect is this - how do you know your ego does not drive the de-beliefing process? There is a simple trick - de-belief only fear, anger, worry, anxiety and guilt. De-beliefing negative emotions does the trick, because when you are freed of those, you also stay more in the present moment and get more in touch with yourself. When you always start out with these emotions, I would consider it a safe bet doing it will lead to you settling into a more peaceful state allowing your heart-mind to manifest strongly.

Again - thank you for your thoughts,
Oliver

[Korpo]

PS -

Alex, I know you have more experience with similar techniques to this.

I speak from my experience with meditation/energy work on blockages that removing a block that I *never* lost something in the process except something holding me down or shutting me down.

If you restrict the de-beliefing process to negative emotions like I said above, it is guaranteed IMO to remove emotional blocks and to be helpful, and you don't need to replace those. Instating a new belief instead would mean instating a new pattern to react to people.

You don't need those - to be spontaneous is within our nature. Patterns override the natural reaction through conditioning.

But maybe you can just affirm after de-beliefing something like this: "Now that I resolved the old belief that blocked me I react accordingly to my true self and spontaneously. I allow my Higher Self to manifest within me."

I found your analytical thoughts on this helpful to get a better understanding myself, thank you! :D

Oliver

[Korpo]

PPS - I among other things now read "How to be an Adult" by David Richo.

One of the first things he describes is the personal evolution - the unmature ego, the mature ego and the True Self. You get from the unmature ego to the mature ego by reprogramming the ego with better beliefs. And then you can let go and manifest the True Self to become fully free.

It is a matter of where you see yourself in this spiritual journey. :)

Oliver

[ButterflyWoman]

I had a long think about this process. Tried it on a couple of things. It only really works (as written) when it's possible to accept that the other person isn't necessarily at fault.

In some cases, you cannot escape the fact that the other person DID act improperly and the hurt inflicted was intentional, or at least, their actions were so negligent or thoughtless as to make the situation truly "their fault".

An example would be an abusive parent, or someone who has sexually assaulted you, or someone who knowingly embezzled your life savings from you, etc.

You can't just say "Well, why should they be responsible for my emotions..." Obviously, they're not (no one is ever responsible for someone else's emotions). You MUST acknowledge that they hurt you on purpose, and that they intended to do you harm.

The only way to get rid of anger in that case is to forgive, and I don't mean "pretend it's okay". Some things are NEVER okay. To forgive is to let go of the debt. They DID harm you. They DO deserve your animosity. But carrying it around with you harms only yourself. They probably don't care at all if you're still angry, hurt, upset, whatever.

I compare forgiveness to erasing a debt. They do owe it to you, for sure, but you eventually realise you're NEVER going to collect it, so you write it off and stop carrying on your books and stop pursuing it. It doesn't mean you're saying it was okay never to pay you back. ;)

With some things in life, yeah, you can look at the situation and realise that you over reacted or that it was mutual misunderstanding or you have to take responsibility for your own emotions, etc. etc. But sometimes the ONLY thing you can do is let go and move forward without that burden.

[Korpo]

Yeah, that does sound right and insightful. :)

Maybe he formulated it only for the more common anger, and not for the deep issues? Seems like that.

Oliver

[CFTraveler]

I think that in works like these, the authors are addressing the types of hurts that people inflict on themselves as attempts to resolve past issues, in which one hurt piles on another and they lose the ability to heal from them. So even though, from a present perspective, it may not be your fault (or responsibility) that a parent inflicted some damage on yourself, the way you are dealing with it is directly related to it, and without that 'cleaning of the slate' healing becomes virtually impossible.
Back to the abuse scenario- a parent abuses a daughter, the daughter recreates the scenario with a future partner with the same characteristics as the abusive parent, with no deliberate intent to do so, more a pattern of behavior that comes to be because of the past hurt. So now forgiveness has to happen to the 'new' perpetrator of the grievance who has come into a codependent relationship.
Anyway, forgiveness is always crucial, even if it isn't for the purpose of reestablishing a relationship.

[ButterflyWoman]

I think that in works like these, the authors are addressing the types of hurts that people inflict on themselves as attempts to resolve past issues, in which one hurt piles on another and they lose the ability to heal from them. So even though, from a present perspective, it may not be your fault (or responsibility) that a parent inflicted some damage on yourself, the way you are dealing with it is directly related to it, and without that 'cleaning of the slate' healing becomes virtually impossible.

Oh, yes. Recovery from an abusive childhood is a very lengthy process. I don't think it ever completely ends, to be honest. And you have to address all kinds of issues, one at a time, usually (or sometimes in "sets" or "patterns"), and work through each.

But what do you do when a parent who abused you refuses to acknowledge it? You really can't say it wasn't his fault. Obviously, it WAS. You MUST acknowlege that, and you MUST work through it, and the only way to eventually really leave it behind is to forgive it.

Sometimes it's possible to see, as an adult, the issues around the abuse. Some kinds of abuse are easier to process when you understand what led to it. But some kinds can never be excused, explained, or mitigated.

Note that forgiveness does not necessarily include continuing a relationship with someone. Some people are just plain toxic and you can forgive them until the cows come home, they'll just keep piling on more stuff that you have to process and get rid of. Sometimes the best thing you can do is stop associating with them.



Anyway, forgiveness is always crucial, even if it isn't for the purpose of reestablishing a relationship.

Agreed. Forgiveness is for the benefit of the one doing the forgiving. (Took me years to understand that; there are a lot of weird ideas about what "forgiveness" is and it took me a long, long time to figure out what it really is about.)

[CFTraveler]

Exactly. I tried to say (but couldn't figure out how to build the sentence correctly) that sometimes forgiveness is sometimes necessary to allow us to separate from a perpetrator, because the feeling of victimhood will continue to tie us to them.


But what do you do when a parent who abused you refuses to acknowledge it? You really can't say it wasn't his fault. Obviously, it WAS. You MUST acknowlege that, and you MUST work through it, and the only way to eventually really leave it behind is to forgive it. Well, the way I handle it is to realize that they are unable to accept their responsibility (in other words, saying it's their fault (even though they did what they did) is not as important as realizing that whether they accept it or not is not important, because they deny themselves the opportunity to make it right for themselves (does that make sense?) and that doesn't mean that I have to take anything from them, or that I have to even associate with them.
In other words, they are what they are, they did what they did, and now it's for me to do whatever I am going to do and they don't have to be involved. I choose to forgive for my own benefit and of those who I love. I also realize that to have arguments about it are pointless and will only affect my ability to let go of things.

[Korpo]

In "How to be an adult" David Richo says that to go beyond the hurts of our youth we need to let the youth go. He recommends acknowledging your pains, facing them and properly mourning them. He says grieving is vital for healing. You've been done wrong, and therefore you can say you've been done wrong, you can express your sympathy for your younger self, what it had to bear, understand this younger self, acknowledge that you lived through your own private hell. And then let go and move on.

I have not advanced much in this book, though. If I find a better strategy in there for core hurts I will write a bit more. :)

Bruce Frantzis writes that these original deep traumas form the core patterns of our ego. Later major and minor traumas will form other blocks around these deep issues, and form our personality. The way back to these core issues is unraveling what is layered on top of it, regaining the energy lost within such issues, and finally unearthing the core isssue and letting it go.

Since it is easier to let go of smaller issues and less deeply ingrained habits, I think the De-Beliefing process can also lead a good deal of the way. This is just a version for anger for everyday issues. When you are unburdened enough of that perhaps answers, like forgiveness, for the deeper issues might arise or healing start on its own.

Take good care,
Oliver

[Korpo]

I think we have a misunderstanding. :)

I tried to say sth along the lines of "Let go of the hurts of your youth and properly grieve them" by saying "Let go of your youth". I did not say "Push away your inner child"... ;)

However, even though it is sound and valid advice to nurture your inner child, I guess even this inner child has to grow up, combining the spontanity, playfulness, love and creativity of the child with the experience, reasoning skills and endurance of an adult. These later faculties, when not overdone, are what actually allow to reconnect to the inner child. To overcome the flight reaction by reason, to reenter the emotional turmoil by enduring it better and by delving into experiences that disprove old failed beliefs.

IMO the inner child gets lost because it does not possess the necessary toolset to prevail. We become our own parents when we provide to our inner child what it was missing when we were children - unlimited acceptance, love, freedom, expression. But in the long run I think this child will no longer be a child.

What do you think? What happened to your inner child?

Oliver

[CFTraveler]

You know, the other day my 10 year old son was looking through old pictures for a specific one for a school project, and after a while he went, sat down in a corner and had a good cry. I saw his red nose and asked him if he wasn't feeling well (I was thinking a cold here) and he started to cry, this time outright and with a lot of emotion. So here I ask him what happened, when he told me he found pictures of when he was a baby- that's all. I then realized he had a moment of realization- that he no longer was 'that baby' and never would be again. He was mourning for his 'gone inner baby', but didn't have the articulation to express himself-or to even understand why he was so sad. So I gently reminisced with him and cradled him in my arms and told him that no matter how big he got he would always be my baby. After a while of cuddling he went on with his day.
In that moment he did what you both are talking about in your own words- he grieved for that stage in his life that was now gone, but in a loving and accepting way, and without knowing it let it go- he grew up a lot.
So now he's a 'tween'. :lol:

[Korpo]

It's great he can allow that, you know? I guess I could not have done that back then.

Oliver

[CFTraveler]

He generally doesn't tolerate a lot of mom huggy-kissy stuff (he usually cringes when I try to kiss him and I end up kissing his head, lol.) but that day he was emotionally vulnerable. It surprised me, especially now that he's in that 'mom's not cool' phase.
But my point is that when we go through life phases we do mourn the 'loss', and if it's done in an accepting and nurturing way, we do continue to grow up. And although I don't recall doing it, I could see in my own child an example of just that.

[Korpo]

Right on, Alex, I think we understand each other now. I guess I am facing the same, just less "visual" if you know what I mean. :)

Oliver

[ButterflyWoman]

I'm currently struggling against an extremely limiting belief that has to do with self-image. I'm sure my perception/belief is incorrect. I KNOW it is limiting me. I have NO CLUE how to get rid of it. I feel like I'm pressed up against a wall, and it's quite painful.

This all definitely goes to my childhood and to parents who were capricious and unstable, and I can see that, but I don't actually care about that any more. By that I mean, I got past the "my parents were mean to me" stuff. I don't care any more that they're assholes (hope I'm allowed to use mild swearing; mods please edit if that's inappropriate).

What I DO care about is ME. I care about getting past this damned wall. It has been here for most of my life and it has limited me for all of that time, and I just want it GONE, but I have absolutely NO CLUE how to get rid of it. Not only is it painful, it's frustrating, and it's stopping me from moving forward.

So, well, any clues, I'd appreciate right about now. Meditation isn't helping. Prayer isn't helping. Trying to be "positive" isn't helping (in fact, the block makes positive visualisation and positive thinking extremely difficult, which is why I need to get rid of it). How do you STOP believing something.... ?

[Beekeeper]

OW, I can relate and I think Alex's advice is really interesting and valid. It seems to me that however much you rise above a largely unhappy childhood, the cracks always appear again eventually, usually at critical moments where you feel threatened or hopeless by newer events. There is no greater gift you can give a person than the confidence that comes of a loving, well-directed childhood but it's a gift that a parent can only give if he'she has achieved a certain level of awareness.

Jman recently gave me a bit of advice about all the crap that resurfaces during trying events,


But remember one thing - all those things that come up are not connected except by the frustration & upset. You shouldn't do an A=A on them - they are separate events & they don't actually add up.

For me, that was excellent advice because I tend to turn the events of my life into a continuous narrative (along the lines of what a loser I am) when, in fact, each event is separate and often distorted by memory and emotion (at least in my case).

What I find, also, is that there's always some act of grace when you are most in need, like seeing the whales frolicking, the warmth of a friend's words or a beautiful act of gratitude that cauterises a wound. Even losing yourself temporarily in the right book or a good comedy gives temporary relief. As for the recurring patterns though, I think I'd follow Alex's advice.

[Korpo]

So, well, any clues, I'd appreciate right about now. Meditation isn't helping. Prayer isn't helping. Trying to be "positive" isn't helping (in fact, the block makes positive visualisation and positive thinking extremely difficult, which is why I need to get rid of it). How do you STOP believing something.... ?

Hello, OW.

IIRC the mode of meditation you follow is contemplation, where you allow thought to flow, right?

A technique that might be helpful is "Dissolving with an agenda", I try to describe it for you:

Underlying each emotion we have, each thought and each pattern in our ego is an energy, however subtle. Emotional body blocks get triggered and we automatically, as a matter of reflex, get trapped in the same patterns. The patterns repeat as long as these belief blocks are in place.

In my experience a lot of bad habits have to do with us avoiding a painful memory or experience and acting out a defensive pattern to avoid it again and again. Dissolving the pattern goes the opposite - focussing your intention where it does not want to go or stay. Strangely enough, this is all it takes, but we don't want to do it. And it is by no way easy.

So, what you could do is this:

Empty yourself. Try an exercise that helps you to get into a calm state, remove yourself and turn inward. Tune into your breath, your body, its energies, the present moment.

Turn into your heart. Your physical heart and/or your Middle Tantien, the seat of your emotional center and the Heart-Mind Hsin. Some perceive the energetic part as a vast sea of emotional energy. Some don't. ;)

The present moment and the heart focus possess a special power in healing and unravelling. You remove yourself from the ramblings of your mind and tune into the now. Stay there if you want. This is in itself helpful and healing.

A next step could now be, while resting there, to formulate, clearly and unambiguously that you want to get rid off the problem, the belief. See if anything "turns up". Or try to actively "re-feel" the disturbing emotion, recreate it.

If you have grip on the emotion, the memory, the image, the belief, if you could re-create it, is there an energy you can feel associated with it? Is your mind automatically led to a certain spot in your body? Is there emotional energy flowing out, burning or contracting in your solarplexus or Middle Tantien?

Whether you feel a diffuse energy or a distinct, contracted block, gently steer your awareness towards it. Put your mind gently on it, don't push, but be aware of it and stay with it. I hope you are still minding your breath here? ;) You might even be able to feel your breath entering and suffusing the blockage, which is helpful. Have the intent to make this energy flow again and dissipate, to let go of it, to make it go. Stay with it until this happens.

After the energy went fluid and dissipated or even vanished, try to stay in the spot it was in. If after some time nothing comes up, draw your awareness below your feet, ground your energy and start the process anew. But sometimes you find something beyond the space and emptiness you just created, a deeper issue. Do the same here. Or you feel a related block, close to it - follow the connection there and dissolve it, too. These unravelings follow certain patterns, so follow them to where they take you.

You may be flooded with memories, old feelings, thoughts during the release. Visually or as feelings. They are not important, only the energy behind them is relevant. If you are lost in this flood of sensations either return to where you were or ground and start anew.

If you feel mentally or emotionally fatigued, ground your energy below your feet and save it for another session.

This process works for all kinds of emotional and mental patterns, beliefs, thoughts, etc. It requires of you that you have a certain capability in focussing your awareness, and that you are willing to confront your problem/block even if uneasy sensations accompany it. This process is "designed" for all kinds of blocks in all your energy bodies. It is an enhanced version of our natural process of letting go.

See also here:

http://forums.astraldynamics.com/viewtopic.php?t=9353

Take good care,
Oliver