URGENT help needed PLEASE

[lilao]

Please kindly help me! i am new to the forum and energy work and i might not be entitled to asking for help, but i really do need... i feel catastrophically bad, i have attacks of agression against myself and the one i love. he left yesterday because he cannot anymore be with me - i am like possessed, i cannot open up for him and i feel the whole world is against me. i have been in this condition one YEAR! now i am really hopeless, becuae despite all promises to my beloved i cannot change the attacks, they come and then i feel nothing but pain. can it be negatives???

could anyone PLEASE try to help me! i do not imagine how and why should i live without him, but it is ONLY MY FAULT that he goes away. i love him but i have no energy and hope to fight against myself. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE try to help me i know there are healers that have power, please help!!!

[lilao]

and before you ask - i am on medication, i am going to clinik, i have been using a lot of self-help methods, and meditations, oyu name it - but there is seem to be something beyond my power. maybe i have really under attack of negatives or something? the pain takes hold of me and i no longer know what to do. it has been bad for a long time but it is extremely BAD NOW!

[CFTraveler]

Before last year, did you have any of this type of aggressive behavior? Is this alternating with periods of depression?
If this is a long-standing thing, introspection (as you have described) can be beneficial, even though it may be painful to start.
If this just started happening a year ago, I would ask you to share with us, if it's ok with you, did you start any type of new discipline, or met someone new, or did something new?
I recommend salt baths, and see if you feel any better. There are other countermeasures you can have, like moving water- have you done the 'hose test' to see if you see a change in the way you feel?
The hose test (crossing moving water) should be in the PSD section of the website. (Under countermeasures).
Even if you do decide that you are being overshadowed, please do not stop going to the clinic or taking your meds. These measures should be done in addition to whatever therapies your health care practicioners advise.

[CFTraveler]

Meanwhile, I will send a prayer your way.

[lilao]

dear CFTraveler, thank you so much for the prayer. my freund was here last few hours and he said he will re-think everything and maybe come back. but I have to CHANGE urgently, not a single person would endure what he has to endure with me...

it started to happen a year ago, but i had NOT started any practice then. Quite to contrary, I stopped all my practices - prior to this i was a devotee of the COurse in Miracles and did a lot of self-clearing with Pilot book (scientology).

it all started as i allowed the fear of the future to be a constant component of my existence. and then my boyfriend become for me more important than anything, even more than connection to the God, and that what broke me. I have even difficulty to pray!

I started the meditations half a year ago, but the accidents started BEFORE my new regular meditation practice. still after meditations i have very crasy dreams and lately felt someone in a bed with me... it was weird...

i will not stop to the doctors - but my one year experiences were frustrating, no help from different changing antidepressants, either.
and i did tons of retrospection with the analyst and by myself - i know the reasons for my sickness but it helps no further.

At the same time, i am very sensitive to different energies and pains - i have read something about the "pain body" but did not ifnd any comprehensive staff on it.

i also tried several techniques described here - to find an inner healer, or Higher me or some spiritual guides - without any success.

i feel that I have ONLY pain body and nothing else... will chek the psd section (have no bath to try salts)...

thank you again. am pretty desperate at the moment.

[lilao]

i also feel - and my boyfriend feels that too - that i am taking his life force and energy from him. can i be a vampire???? is something else feeding off me??? because i feel no energy at all, i have no strength, for a year... and there is always something telling me repeatedly "I dont want to live.-- i dont want to live... i dont want to live" but I do want to live and be happy!

[star]

You didn't return my PM, but I'll start anyway. I'll just hope that your Higher Self gives me permission to do what I can do. :)


James

[star]

i also feel - and my boyfriend feels that too - that i am taking his life force and energy from him. can i be a vampire???? is something else feeding off me??? because i feel no energy at all, i have no strength, for a year... and there is always something telling me repeatedly "I dont want to live.-- i dont want to live... i dont want to live" but I do want to live and be happy!

That makes sense, your in a relationship where you depend heavily on your boyfriend. Its expressed with energy too. Since you feel so down your feeding off him. No big deal, I'll tell you what else, you can feel better when your supporting yourself.

James

[star]

dear CFTraveler, thank you so much for the prayer. my freund was here last few hours and he said he will re-think everything and maybe come back. but I have to CHANGE urgently, not a single person would endure what he has to endure with me...

it started to happen a year ago, but i had NOT started any practice then. Quite to contrary, I stopped all my practices - prior to this i was a devotee of the COurse in Miracles and did a lot of self-clearing with Pilot book (scientology).

it all started as i allowed the fear of the future to be a constant component of my existence. and then my boyfriend become for me more important than anything, even more than connection to the God, and that what broke me. I have even difficulty to pray!

I started the meditations half a year ago, but the accidents started BEFORE my new regular meditation practice. still after meditations i have very crasy dreams and lately felt someone in a bed with me... it was weird...

i will not stop to the doctors - but my one year experiences were frustrating, no help from different changing antidepressants, either.
and i did tons of retrospection with the analyst and by myself - i know the reasons for my sickness but it helps no further.

At the same time, i am very sensitive to different energies and pains - i have read something about the "pain body" but did not ifnd any comprehensive staff on it.

i also tried several techniques described here - to find an inner healer, or Higher me or some spiritual guides - without any success.

i feel that I have ONLY pain body and nothing else... will chek the psd section (have no bath to try salts)...

thank you again. am pretty desperate at the moment.

it sounds like I'm trying to be upsetting ,but really I'm just trying to help.
People can help, but when you turn to looking outside yourself for help, then rely too heavily on outside factors things break down.
You probably know what you need. Think about what scares you the most right now, and what you would have to do to fix it.

[CFTraveler]

dear CFTraveler, thank you so much for the prayer. my freund was here last few hours and he said he will re-think everything and maybe come back. but I have to CHANGE urgently, not a single person would endure what he has to endure with me... Remember that we're all here to teach each other. He may be teaching you about independence. Or you may be teaching him about forgiveness.


it started to happen a year ago, but i had NOT started any practice then. Quite to contrary, I stopped all my practices - prior to this i was a devotee of the COurse in Miracles and did a lot of self-clearing with Pilot book (scientology). Well, I don't know enough about scientology to have any opinions, but I am familiar with ACIM (not a devotee-I believe my higher self directs me at what to believe and what not to) One thing that you should tell yourself that the fear of the future is representing something else- perhaps you don't want to repeat a previous negative experience, (fear of abandonment?) But by giving in (I'm sorry if I sound harsh, don't know how else to say it) to this behaviour you are causing what you fear. Have you considered that you are trying to test your bf to see what he'll put up with? Think of this and realize that at some point or another he'll fail that test.
Of course, I'm making a lot of assumptions with this statement, so forgive me if I'm wrong about any of this.

it all started as i allowed the fear of the future to be a constant component of my existence. and then my boyfriend become for me more important than anything, even more than connection to the God, and that what broke me. I have even difficulty to pray! If you remember in ACIM there is such thing as a holy union, in which your relationship with someone else is beneficial to cement your connection with God. By separating your idea of your boyfriend from God you are denying the central ideas in ACIM- That God is the ony reality and our relationship with your bf cannot be anything else but an earthly expression of your relationship with God. As you know, God loves you unconditionally, so you don't have to think that your relationship is something separate from this. This is unneccesary guilt and is doing nothing for your understanding of this reality.

I started the meditations half a year ago, but the accidents started BEFORE my new regular meditation practice. still after meditations i have very crasy dreams and lately felt someone in a bed with me... it was weird... The 'feeling someone' in bed with you doesn't have to be a scary thing. When you separate but don't transfer your consciousness to your energy body, you can be perceiving your energy body as separate from you, but what you may be feeling is yourself. This could also be from dream memories of your previous relationships (if there are those). In other words, in the world of the in-between sleeping and waking, reality is very different, and doesn't have to be a bad symptom. Just scary if you don't know what you're experiencing.

i will not stop to the doctors - but my one year experiences were frustrating, no help from different changing antidepressants, either.
and i did tons of retrospection with the analyst and by myself - i know the reasons for my sickness but it helps no further. I think if you do a lot of self-forgiveness you will find that in the long run you will find that knowing the source of your problems will be helpful. Just please give yourself some time.

At the same time, i am very sensitive to different energies and pains - i have read something about the "pain body" but did not ifnd any comprehensive staff on it. Have you read 'The Power of Now?'

i also tried several techniques described here - to find an inner healer, or Higher me or some spiritual guides - without any success.

i feel that I have ONLY pain body and nothing else... will chek the psd section (have no bath to try salts)... You mean no bathtub? I use salt showers.

thank you again. am pretty desperate at the moment. I will continue to pray for you.

[lilao]

thank you CFTraveler and Star! No i feel no harshness in your words, you are trying to help and you are right about many things.

it is hard to realise i am draining him from his power. it has to stop!!! please let me know how... i might have even been in a similar relationship with my own mother. it is hard...

yes, i was in a way "testing" him, but i no longer want to - but things seem to be less and less in my control!

painful episodes and the scareist thing - i was left already once by my fiance before the wedding (took me seven years to recover), maybe because he saw more clearly than my present boyfriend that i am an impossible person to live with. but i was a difficult child, so the real "root" episode lies probably in the past lives.

yes, i read Tolle's book... and i will be opening the ACIM again. but understanding of the things how they are is not enough in my case.

self-forgivenes? i wish i could do that.

CFTraveler, thank you for your prayers... and Star, thank you for an attempt to help me (i felt little tingling around throat area two or three hours ago - maybe it was you?)- I am a bit calmer now...

[lilao]

..and i just wanted to add that i do believe also that the healing must take place from within. traditional psychotherapy would hardly help.. but i tried regular meditations and sedona method as a way to help myself, for a year - and ended up only in an isolation and with even more pain and self-loathing then before.

have to undergo a radical change, that much is clear. it is scary. does it all have to be so hard?

[lilao]

CFTraveler, Star - thank you both for trying to help! i do feel better because i have enough energy to say NO to the disturbing negative thoughts! i recognised the voice that keeps telling me "oh i am feeling soo terrible" long time ago, but had no power to resist it... and this couple of days i can! feels great.... this new power has to stay!!! thanks again...

[CFTraveler]

Well, here's some more:

painful episodes and the scareist thing - i was left already once by my fiance before the wedding (took me seven years to recover), maybe because he saw more clearly than my present boyfriend that i am an impossible person to live with. but i was a difficult child, so the real "root" episode lies probably in the past lives. Well, this sentence here tells me what your real problem is, and it is not that you're 'impossible to live with'. The fact that you are saying 'I was a difficult child' tells me that you are faulting yourself for something that was obviously not your fault. You see, there is no such thing as a 'difficult child', only a "parent that doesn't understand/is not equipped to handle a child", and so blames the child. It seems to me you were programmed from childhood to believe that you were defective, and at some point you started to believe this.
I can tell you right know that you will never have a healthy relationship with anyone if you persist in this false belief. You are blaming yourself that everything is your fault, and even from 'way over here' I can tell that this is not true, that you are trying to improve your life and you have the best interests of everyone around you at heart.
This tells me you are a loving, compassionate person, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to improve yourself- but don't mistake self-improvement with the idea that you are trying to 'repair' yourself. I can also see that you are rejecting analysis because you are not ready to discover what exactly was done to you that made you have such a low opinion of yourself. I only hope and pray that you find someone that can give you some much needed effective therapy, to finally realize that there is nothing wrong with you, that your fiance left you because of his inability to be in a commited relationship with you, and that by incessantly testing your bf all you are doing is attempting to prove that you are as defective as you seem to believe you are.
So my question is, what do you have to lose if you realize that you are a Perfect Child of God, and that there is Nothing Wrong with you, and that your bf is privileged to be with you, and that your behavior is something that can be changed once you realize that it is no longer needed, because it's no longer protecting you from anything?
Please don't respond to me- Please just think about this, and pray to God for your own understanding of your innate divinity, and forgive me for presuming too much.

[ButterflyWoman]

You know, my mother insisted that I was a "problem child" and that all my issues in this life were from past lives, and she made me very aware that I was, to her, a burden, useless, worthless, more trouble than I was worth, etc. etc.

Guess what? I wasn't a problem child. The problem was mostly HER. And the past life issues, well I do think there are some, but I've recently found that in one particular unhappy other life, she was a major player (and she was just the same then as she is now; I came to her this time to take back my power). And I was never useless, worthless, or any of the other horrible things she claimed I was. That was all just her twisted perspective and her pain and her intention...

I used to have all those voices in my head telling me I was worthless and useless and more trouble than I was worth and impossible to live with and every other nasty thing she ever said to me, so I understand completely about those.

I would actually recommend that you continue with the soul searching and counselling (if you're not in counselling, please consider it! It can be very helpful in sorting through these kinds of issues). You probably ARE quite difficult to live with at the moment, and the aggression is hard to deal with for people around you AND for you, but it can be overcome. It can take a while, but it can be overcome. You'll have to be willing to dissect yourself and your life, and that will be painful, but the end result will be so worth it there are no words to describe how much. I quite honestly feel that I'm a totally different person than I used to be, that I've had a complete metamorphosis. I used to be a caterpillar...

You're on the right track. Keep on the medication (since it helps) and keep working toward healing, and don't be afraid to confront memories and issues. Just think of it as cleaning out an infected wound. It'll hurt, but then it'll heal.

Sending you love and positive thoughts and my very genuine compassion.

[MysticSage816]

Hi, I just wanted to say I'll send some prayers too, even though I don't know much about healing :oops: I also want to say, that sometimes it helps just to know that you're not alone in having to deal with problems like this. I've been trying to beat certain issues for a few years now, and I feel like I'm making progress, so don't lose hope! I know you can do it too! :)

[lilao]

thank you!

"I also want to say, that sometimes it helps just to know that you're not alone in having to deal with problems like this" - it really does, even if at the end we have to do the change by ourselves. i am re-opening my ACIM practices and feel like i am coming home...

wish you more progress in dealing with your issues, too!

[Chris_com28]

Well it's good to know that yor'e doing better. I sent a prayer for you as well.

[star]

This is the attitude I live for, good luck guys.