Please clear this mess up for me

[KnowNothing]

I have really no clue about kundalini or anything.
My dad was very into that kind of things, but I never knew him really due to different issues.
After he died I started gettin panic attacks, extreme ones and overwhelming thoughts, I was sure I was going nuts.
was Depersonalized/Derealized for weeks even months, then I got normal again for awhile, learned about Law of Attraction etc. but it got to overwhelming for me, then 1 year after my panic attacks I started getting extreme panic attacks again, and suddenly started obsessing about losing my soul(is this even possible? would I still be alive if so?) I even visualized it once, and suddenly thought it was true, and now I'm completely emotionally numb, my ego is like numb, I have no clue why, I want my ego, some ego is healthy. I want my emotions, life ain't worth living with out emotions.
Now I can't feel fear or joy, AT ALL, I could be hit by a train and not give a damn.
Somehow I found that this could be a symptom of Kundalini, I dont even know wtf kundalini is, all I know is that I need my emotions and life back, I'm only 18 and are scared this will mess up my whole life.

So my questions is:

Does this sound like kundalini?
Is my ego "dead" forever?
Is my emotions gone forever?
Can you lose your soul?

Someone PLEASE help me out

[Nnonnth]

Hey KN;



Does this sound like kundalini?


No it does not! It is nothing to do with kundalini at all.
What it sounds like to me is extreme depression, whether spiritual or not is hard to say.



Is my ego "dead" forever?


Your ego isn't dead now! It's typing those words dude. When yogis and buddhists talking about 'killing the ego', they are not talking about anything like what you're feeling - the experience results in freedom and bliss.



Is my emotions gone forever?


No I don't think so! I think what has happened to you is that you've shut them down to save yourself pain of some kind.



Can you lose your soul?


A shaman would say you can loses pieces of your soul, which can be retrieved. But you can't have lost your whole soul or you would fall down dead, so don't panic for goodness' sake!

What you can lose is your connection to your feeling nature.

I have some questions for you in return:

1. You say you had 'overwhelming thoughts' after your dad died. May I ask what kinds of thoughts?

2. Have you ever done any kind of spiritual work at all? (if not, this may not be the right place to get answers!)

3. How is your life generally? Are you healthy? Do you do drugs or drink?

4. I get the feeling your depression is something to do with your relationship with your dad, can you tell more? What were the 'different issues', and what was he experimenting with?

Just if you feel like talking about all this, I have no intention of prying if you'd rather not talk.

You can relax about dead ego and losing your soul, it isn't anything like that.

One further thing: some people have a great fear attached to spiritual subjects, so if it is spiritual subjects that panic you don't worry - you can deal with that. I had the same thing once.

It's trite, but if at all possible don't worry! You will get over this.

Best NN

[CFTraveler]

NN answered very well, I just want to reinforce some of it:

Does this sound like kundalini? Not to me. More like post-traumatic stress syndrome followed by depression.

Is my ego "dead" forever? No, your ego is what's causing your depression. It's making you fear, and fear is what it uses for self-reinforcement. A healthy ego uses happiness to feel alive, an unhealth ego uses fear.

Is my emotions gone forever? Your emotions are not gone, they are suppressed. This means to me that if you look at what caused your problem (your father's death, and the possibility that knowing him is now out of the question?) the emotions will be so strong and so negative, that your ego has chosen to suppress them because it fears them. I think you know what you need to do.

Can you lose your soul? No, your soul is you. Your point of view, your focus of experience. Right now your soul is going through a 'dark night', something you must work through.
Good luck and God Bless!

[Zak]

There is always a light at the end of a tunnel!
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[KnowNothing]

I have really no clue, I've read about subjective reality and that was what messed me up combined with all the other thoughts and philosophical waste of time.
So now, I feel nothin', feel like my soul has left my body(even had a vision of it) and now I have no clue what to do.
My fear is 100% from my thoughts, not emotions, I just know logically that this ain't right.

It started from smoking too much cannabis over a few years, then once it all hit me, all the t houghts about the universe and everything that I hadn't thought about since I was a child suddenly they "hijacked" my focus.
I was even psycic for over a week, it was the most scary thing ever.
I never want that again, I just want to be normal, my dad was diagnosed mental patient because of all this, I can't let that happen to me.

It may be PTSD, but it wasnt from my dad's death, it was from my own thoughts about life, so how can I overcome it?

[sash]

This actually sounds like it could be related to Kundalini in some way, not that I can be certain about that.

I'd suggest try to do some grounding techniques, stop smoking cannabis at least until things settle down, and most importantly have faith.

You say your fear is from your thoughts, but fear is a feeling. Try to relax and figure out what is behind that fear. Don't get caught up in the thoughts. I hope this helps somewhat and good luck, I'm sure you will overcome this.

[KnowNothing]

i have stopped smokin a half year ago, all this loss of emotions etc happen the last month.
yea i understand how you can think that fear is a feeling, it is, but I dont have the feeling, only the thought.
feeling follow thoughts, but my thoughts is completely without emotions.
I can see people die without caring a little bit emotionally, i could win a million in a lottery and not even give a damn.
It's REALLY that bad, and NO one understand, I can't go on living like this cause it's not living at all, it's observing life

[Tempestinateapot]

I would recommend seeing a psychiatrist. If your father had mental problems, and now you are having them, it could be genetic. Some mental illnesses run in families. Severe depression runs in my family, and my father committed suicide. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and the sooner you get professional help, the better the outcome. Spiritual problems can be all tangled up with mental problems, but you sound depressed, with the repression of your emotions. When I was younger, I had severe episodes of anxiety, thoughts of suicide, along with no other feelings. One of the anti-depressent drugs made a huge difference in my life, and possibly saved my life. I'd also say stop reading about Kundalini. Most of the written stuff makes it sound rather scary. From what you are describing, it doesn't sound at all like Kundalini to me.

[KnowNothing]

Yeah, but I don't think I'm crazy cause my thoughts is normal thoughts, I just obsess about them I think...
Can you seriously lose your soul? like seriously? or lose yo ur connection to it? cause soul is supposed to be the source of your feelings, so when I got no feelings it seems like I'm not connected...
I feel the emotional feelings in my body, but not mentally, if that makes sense?

[Tom]

You can lose things on the surface, but you can't lose the essence of who you really are and still be around to ask about it. Even losing things on the surface isn't really possible in a permanent sense. You can choose to call back any part of yourself that you have lost or given up.

A psychiatrist can do other things for you besides handing out pills and wishing you luck. A lot of possibilities exist which they have to look for such as electrolyte imbalances and other metabolic problems like low thyroid functioning. If you are low on zinc, your food might taste bland and flat and not worth eating. That could be covered up by feeling like life itself is a pale version of what it should be. You might go about trying to resolve feelings of depression when you could just start eating almonds. Just an example, of course. I have to watch my sodium in-take or I'll go around thinking that everyone is out to get me, because high blood pressure runs in my family and the expectation that the world is a hostile place was one of the earliest lessons my parents passed on to me. The people at work like me a lot better now that I'm not eating McDonalds fries every other day, which for a while I was doing. (Aaah! sometimes I still forget and start eating too much salt ... What are you looking at?!) Anyway, since you are saying that you know that fairly serious things run in your family, you might want to have a professional who has been trained to look for all sorts of things help instead of going the "do it yourself" route. It could save you time.

Now about the obsessive thoughts. What do you think about Yoga Nidra? Have you seen the references to it here recently? If you are patient and give yourself a year or two to learn it, without setting expectations or a time-table, it will help to give you the safe environment and the tools to take apart those patterns of thinking. We all have them, and the more stress you are under the more distinct they become. Yoga Nidra (yogic sleep) helps to allow this tension to gradually unwind on its own. There is a tendency to feel stress and to believe such things as "I am stressed" and "this is my stress" and how that matter "these are my patterns of uncontrolled obsessive thoughts". What you learn in Yoga Nidra is to watch these things, and physical tensions, as if they are happening to another person. You are not your thoughts and experiences and you are not stuck floating within them. They are apart from you and they are just passing through. They happen to be within you, but they are not you. This dis-identification lets them float up, expand, and pop. Until now you have been resisting them and trying to push them down because you have been trained to believe they have something to do with you and then you experience them as if they do. That's why you started resisting them and keeping them pushed down. You don't have to. There is a lot of material there, and you will have to release it all eventually, and Yoga Nidra gives you the place to stand where all of it becomes completely neutral. It is like catching them back when they were all seeds instead of walking through a field of over-grown poison ivy with a knife. That's why I'm planning to give myself more than enough time to learn to go all the way into Yoga Nidra. Even if it takes two years or more, I will have it the rest of my life and there are ways of using the state which I can't even begin to understand yet. All of that will come in time, though. Part of being in Yoga Nidra is that you are deeply connected with all of your wisdom that you have as being part of God / The Source.

[Tempestinateapot]

I don't think I'm crazyI didn't say you were crazy. I said you sound depressed. Those are two completely different things, with different solutions. But, like Tom said, going the do-it-yourself route isn't highly recommended. Work with someone who is trained in helping whatever your problem is. Once that's identified, there are a number of things that can be done to help you, and that you can do for yourself. But, first, you've got to learn what's causing this. And, it doesn't sound like you are learning this on your own.

[KnowNothing]

I'll look into the Yoga. Thanks for being here for me.


I think I may have opened some conciousness without even knowing it, I can "activate" my chakras automatically like feel energy go through them whenever I want, is this normal?
Also I think my problem is that I don't focus on I/ME/MYSELF/MYLIFE i focus on the world, maybe that's good for some meditation people, but I don't want none of that enlightment things yet, all I want is a normal life with normal feelings, like a youth.
I've always had weird thoughts about the universe(like I guess everyone really has) but I have obsessed about it.

It's also like when I try to feel emotions, the world doesn't change so I feel like I don't feel the emotions cuz the world/conciousness stays the same.
has anyone ever felt something like this and got out of it?

[sash]

I think I may have opened some conciousness without even knowing it, I can "activate" my chakras automatically like feel energy go through them whenever I want, is this normal?
Also I think my problem is that I don't focus on I/ME/MYSELF/MYLIFE i focus on the world, maybe that's good for some meditation people, but I don't want none of that enlightment things yet, all I want is a normal life with normal feelings, like a youth.
I've always had weird thoughts about the universe(like I guess everyone really has) but I have obsessed about it.

It's also like when I try to feel emotions, the world doesn't change so I feel like I don't feel the emotions cuz the world/conciousness stays the same.
has anyone ever felt something like this and got out of it?

I think I see what you are saying here, and this sounds a lot like accelerated expansion of consciousness, I'd say it may have been caused by a number of things you mentioned. It is harder to deal with when it is sped up too much like that. Normally, it settles down, but the key is to maintain faith and just keep grounding yourself until things improve.
If you do decide to seek out psychiatric help it might be worthwhile to try to separate your panic and feelings of losing yourself from the ego/chakra and energy movements you are experiencing. I would hazard a guess that divulging this kind of information to a psychiatrist may get you labelled as 'crazy'. I do not think modern psychiatry is equipped with enough understanding to handle the spiritual dimension of a person.

[Nnonnth]

It started from smoking too much cannabis over a few years, then once it all hit me, all the t houghts about the universe and everything that I hadn't thought about since I was a child suddenly they "hijacked" my focus.
I was even psycic for over a week, it was the most scary thing ever.
I never want that again, I just want to be normal, my dad was diagnosed mental patient because of all this, I can't let that happen to me.


Ah, now we're gettin' it!

I think what is significant here is:

a) Those 'thoughts about the universe' that you 'hadn't had since childhood'; and

b) The fact that your dad was diagnosed mentally incompetent due to experimenting with kundalini meditation.

(BTW I would like to hear that story in a little more detail if it doesn't cause you pain or seem like I'm prying).

My diagnosis is:

1. You had spiritual experiences as a child which you have subsequently forgotten (I had the same thing), and

2. You are scared of 'ending up like your dad', which is why you want a 'normal life'.

I am saying 1 is true because that is what is causing panic attacks, chakra flows and stuff. You wouldn't be scared of spiritual stuff if you didn't know deep inside there was something real to be scared of. However your fear is causing you to miss all the cool stuff in your situation which I think will become apparent to you in time.

It is possible, indeed it is very probable, that some experience has passed between you and your dad. Parents often pass undealt-with karma to their children. I suspect strongly that you are here in this life to sort this out once and for all.

So what should you do? People here are talking about Nidra and that's just dandy, although I have never heard of it. But it's just one thing that's out there, and there's alot out there. Everyone's going to have their recommendations, and I'll have a couple myself. But the most important thing is: what you feel drawn to do.

You see, what I think is that in your fear about 'ending up like your dad', you are shutting yourself off from the life you really should be living, and you are dodging what, deep inside, you know is your destiny. I have seen this happen before. And then the pot-smoking on top, as an additional abdication of responsibility. Even your screen name indicates your desire to just be shot of the whole situation rather than deal with it. And this in turn is what has caused your soul to fly away - which it hasn't of course, what has left you is meaning, purpose, destiny, all the reasons you are here, and all that really matters to you.

KN, do you really think most people who smoke pot get 'psychic for a week'?! I assure you it isn't common. What it is, you're special, man. You are a naturally spiritual person and you're dodging it, through fear, and you're making things worse for yourself. As long as you experience awakenings only through smoking pot they will be out-of-control awakenings, giving you out-of-control gifts that do no good to you nor anyone else, and only scare you worse, which is what you want so you don't have to deal with the situation. And as long as you use what happened to your dad as an excuse not to investigate, you will continue to fear normality as much as you desire it. And finally, as long as you don't look at who you really are and what you really want, your emotions will be blocked because you aren't actually living your life, you're dodging it!


So, my recommendations:

1. Stop smoking pot now, if you haven't already. Not for some bullsh**t just-say-no reason, or because it's wrong or evil, but because it is doing you harm in your own personal experience. If you don't learn from your experience you can't improve your situation.

2. Experiment with yoga nidra. Investigate it. But investigate alot else too. Look in all the books your dad left behind that you told yourself not to look at. Look on all the recommended reading lists of all the sites on the web like this. Read the books. Read the books that those books recommend in their bibliographies. Get smart, become knowledgeable. Then you can improve your situation.

3. A normal psychologist in my opinion will not be helpful. But some therapies can be. Go for reiki. Go for indian head massage. Get some healing from a Brennan-trained energy healer. Find a therapist who also works with energy. Anything - just do it. (But don't take pills.)

4. Once you find a practice that is actually working, stick with it like glue no matter what, until you have the sense that you are grounded and can handle whatever is coming along. There's alot more info out there these days than there was in your dad's day. You're going to be fine, in all senses of that word.

5. Then, find out what did happen to your dad. Lots of ways to do that. Recall your memories of him. Look at the work he was actually doing. Call his spirit even. Fear nothing, replace your fear with positive knowledge and experience.

6. Forget about this thing you are calling 'a normal life'. You are going to be involved in spiritual work, it is completely inevitable. Some people would envy you your position, believe it or not! You're going to be very very good at whatever you end up doing. That doesn't mean you won't be an accountant with a wife, a car, and 2.4 children as well, or whatever else seems superficially 'normal' to you - you can have all those things and still be very spiritual. When you talk about a 'normal life', what you really mean is, a life where you don't have to think about these matters. You won't get that. You will get something far, far better - a life where you life by your heart, a life that is true to who you really are, and a life of spiritual adventure and achievement.


My top 3 recommends for spiritual grounding for beginners:

'Spiritual Cleansing' (book) - Draja Mickaharic.
'Complete System of Self-Healing' (book) - Stephen Chang.
'Deep Healing Qigong' (DVD) - Michael Winn (http://www.healingtaousa.com)


Good luck!
You'll do fine. :D

Love and best wishes, NN

[KnowNothing]

edit: deleted cuz I got my answers, thanks guys

[CFTraveler]

Yeah, but I don't think I'm crazy cause my thoughts is normal thoughts, I just obsess about them I think... You are making assumptions about what mental dysfunction is. Obsession is a disorder, for example. What is a crazy thought? And you need to get the word 'crazy' out of your vocabulary. We're all a little crazy.


or lose yo ur connection to it? You can lose the ability to connect to it, and mental illness is definitely a good way to do it.


cause soul is supposed to be the source of your feelings, I usually don't like to use the word wrong, because it is so judgemental.
But I will now. That is WRONG! The soul is not the source of your feelings- your nervous system is. This has been scientifically proven. Now, the soul can be said to be the source of everything that is you, but your feelings are how you emotionally react to your environment, and you need a nervous system to do that.

so when I got no feelings it seems like I'm not connected...
I feel the emotional feelings in my body, but not mentally, if that makes sense? Yes, it means you have dissasociated yourself from your emotions. The question is, what was so terrible that caused you to do that? You have talked about what amounts to a 'dark night of the soul', and maybe that, combined with the events that led to your father's death, contributed to your breakdown and subsequent depression, and yes, it sounds like depression. I hope you find your way, but please get some professional help.

[sash]

Thanks for your answers guys, I'll give you a little deeper insight of it all, here it goes:

My thoughts about the universe as a little child was like "what happens when ALL life in the universe dies will it be empty, will there be anyone anywhere ever again?
I also was extremely afraid of being alone, as a 2-3 year old I asked my mom: "when you die, how will I find you again when I die?"
I had a lot of different thoughts like this.
I remember feeling really really bad when thinking about these things, I would now too, but I'm completely numb so nothing touches me.

I'm not sure how common this is but I think being overwhelmed by particular thoughts is something almost everyone experiences at some point. Although I have narrowed this down to negative entities and ocd as you said. When I was younger I had constant visions of the entire mass of life being a book and at death it would just slam shut and everything would end, it would easily put me into an existential despair until I learned to manage the thoughts.


Then this ♥♥♥♥ happened, and I read about subjective reality on a website, which completely destroyed me, subjective reality is the most egoistic retarded ♥♥♥♥, but somehow my obsessions made it "Real" for me, this only made my emotions go completely numb
I think that was the worst contributer to this mess.
I believe we're all one, but has individual experiences on this earth, like the reality is objective, but we have subjective perceptions of it.

I think I should also mention I got OCD, which means I always get stuck on thoughts that is bad for me, like losing my soul, this one was going through my head for weeks and I managed to feel it happen to me, even if it's not possible.
It's not unnormal in OCD, I've had much weirder obsessions than that, I somehow know their just obsessions, but while having them, they seem completely real.

Does any of this make sense to anyone, what you mean I'm special and living a life without spirituality is impossible?
I don't mind being spiritual, but I don't want a life with religion, I want a normal life with normal emotions.
Not become some isolated individual with no emotions, cause that will for sure make me go crazy after awhile.

Sorry for the long post but I figured if anyone should be able to help me understand this and help me out of it, they need to know details.
Thanks for all the help guys, I've tried to seek help from other people, but they just don't understand what I'm talking about and just tell me to go to a psychiatrist(which means medicating myself to become a zombie)

Psychiatric help is overrated, I agree. If you have stumbled upon Relativism try to read more philosophy and learn more about types of spirituality. Some years back when I read up on subjective existence I really took it to heart and believed this was the final word on the matter of an objective truth. Later I reconsidered.

In spiritual development the intense emotional shifts can be normal, they are almost always transitionary. It will be a softer trip when having faith in yourself and reading more about subjects that can relieve your mind rather than cause it to chase its own tail.

[Nnonnth]

Just want to say I go right along w/ Sash's last post, it was as cool as his current avatar photo!

The thing about psychiatrists is that they just don't have the info to look at these things properly. It's like Sash is saying, actually being totally tossed around by uncontrolled thoughts is the way most people are most of the time anyway. A particularly spiritual person at this particular time in history is going to have all sorts of chaotic feelings and thoughts.

The point is, if you do spiritual work you can learn to control your thoughts, just watch them go by, weed out the ones you don't want, etc. What shrink knows about this stuff? Bringing yourself and your mind gently under control means you don't have to deal with that kind of panicked desperation in which, it seems to me, the vast majority of people live their lives - and shrinks are no different!

This:



It will be a softer trip when having faith in yourself and reading more about subjects that can relieve your mind rather than cause it to chase its own tail.


Is right on IMHO!

Best NN

[KnowNothing]

Thanks, nice to hear other people has been through the subjective reality etc, it's complete narcissitic.
I just wonder, being spiritual, does it mean not being able to enjoy normal sex etc.?

[CFTraveler]

KN wrote:
I just wonder, being spiritual, does it mean not being able to enjoy normal sex etc.? Why not? It has been my experience that enjoying sex on a regular basis keeps me from getting dragged down and attacked in the lower astral, because I'm not putting out 'needy' vibes.
There is a notion among spiritual people (which I completely disagree with) that being in a body and enjoying it is somehow a mistake, and to improve or develop your spirituality you have to eliminate all physicality out of your life. I disagree with this for a million different reasons (but I'll only share a few :P )
1) If our existence were supposed to be limited to one aspect, we wouldn't have incarnated at all. We came here to experience, and sex is one of the experiences we're here to have. Like all physical experiences, it has consequences, and has to be engaged in with the awareness of those consequences: Unwanted babies, STDs loss of education, and even possible death.
2) The human animal is one of the few species that can enjoy sex for reasons other than reproductive. I may be missing some here, but a species of chimps and a species of dolphins are among those. Interestingly, those specific species (that I know of) are amongst the most intelligent in the animal kingdom. I'm not sure what this shows, other that they're more 'like us', maybe.
3) Stoicism and self-denial are movements that come from religious movements that base their beliefs on mythology. IMO mythology is supposed to teach you something, but I'm not sure if they got the information right. JUST MY OPINION. Not meant to offend anyone.
4) Yes, denying sex can be used to channel the energy to more 'spiritual' pursuits, but this is basically the same as using technology. It doesn't make you 'better' or 'more holy'. The problem with this approach is that the energy used is still earth-based, and the experience had isn't really spiritual, it often involves astral sex instead of regular physical sex, and I personally prefer the physical version. But that's just me.

[sash]

Thanks, nice to hear other people has been through the subjective reality etc, it's complete narcissitic.
I just wonder, being spiritual, does it mean not being able to enjoy normal sex etc.?

I wouldn't worry about things too much. Spirituality doesn't work with denying a part of yourself. Self-discipline and being conscious of your actions is another issue. Physical sex is often on a low level, so I'd say you would enjoy it more by bringing a spiritual understanding into it. You can connect with another person on this level spiritually but I think the misconceptions prevelant in society cloud and taint this idea.
Try to find a quite atmospheric place and let the thought bubbles in your head calm and allow the relaxed energy to flow into a whirlpool in the middle of your chest. Now with your focus on your heart you will intuitivly find yourself in the right place. Your mind may pop up bubbles about relativism or other bothers but your heart is not bothered by them. It is useful to do this because the mind cannot free itself through reason alone, but you can find a place of stillness in your heart that is closer to yourself than the mind.