afraid of love

[Susie]

I am afraid to love and I don’t know why, or how to get past this. There are a few people in my life who I love with all that I am, but it has taken me a long time to get there. I completely agree with what has been said about love and how it has the power to change, to heal, to nurture true growth and foster its own contagious expansion. When I express love and receive it- I feel warm and amazing and I can’t imagine living without it- but it is an internal battle to allow that expression to happen. Does anyone have any suggestions or words of wisdom? Has anyone else felt this way before? Perhaps this is why more people don’t allow themselves to love more openly… not because they don’t have it within them, but because they are afraid.

Hi Susie :)

I relate to what you say. I'm actually working on this in myself too. Something I found helpful is the idea that this behavior is a manifestation of character armor (see Wilhelm Reich). A technique I have used is a kind of Self Induced Trance Regression. It's based on Doyle Tracing. Here's a short how-to :

1. In a quiet space, where you won't be interrupted. Call up that feeling of fear of intimacy and/or love. Make sure you feel it pretty strongly. You might notice your body tense up or other physical signs of this emotion.

2. Start counting back from your current age, making sure you feel this sensation. You can say : I feel this at age 27 (for example), I feel this at age 26, I feel this at age 25. See and feel yourself at these ages having this sensation. Count all the way back until you no longer feel this sensation, until you feel it disappear. Usually, it will be at an age where something happened to you that made you start feeling this way.

3. Once you find what age you no longer felt this, try to search your memories of that age for the event that may have inspired you to feel this way.

4. Grab a pad and pencil/pen and start writing about this event. What happened? Who was involved? How did you feel about this event (usually more than one emotion)? How were you changed/affected i.e. did you habits or behavior change at all?

A fun way to show yourself this works is to try it on a food dislike first. Is there a particular food you just won't eat? You can grab a small amount of that food and smell it to bring back those feelings of how much you don't like it. Then, do the trance trace technique until you find the age where this feeling disappears (you will sometimes feel the muscles in your face tense up when you have a good lock on that feeling of dislike, they should relax when you find the age before you adopted this dislike). After you try this, then take another look at that food. You might just find that those dislikes have disappeared and you can now eat it! It's amazing stuff really.

I tried this trace on a few issues I have, including guilt, and discovered just how much a traumatic childhood event had contributed to my character armor. The journaling part is important to help you see the event more clearly, you might just see yourself replaying certain painful scenarios trying to obtain a different outcome. For example, I have found that the pain I feel from not having a loving relationship with my father has influenced me to seek out emotionally unavailable men in hopes of 'winning' their affection - in an insane attempt to maybe somehow change the past (funny how our minds work sometimes, eh?). This journal aspect of this is supposed to help one see these unhealthy patterns more clearly.

If you do try this, let us know how it works for you?

Hope this helps. :)

EDIT:


Perhaps this is why more people don’t allow themselves to love more openly… not because they don’t have it within them, but because they are afraid.

I really agree with this. I suspect fear is at the heart of a lot of our issues that keep us from knowing and expressing positive thoughts and emotions. At least that has been my experience - when I look deep enough and hard enough, there is usually a fear of some kind sitting there staring me in the face.

[Susie]

Scymitar- thank you for the post. I will spend some time working with this and see if I can find some resolution. I have guilt issues as well, and I feel that in the end I need to just forgive myself and others to find peace with all of this.

I struggle with seeking/finding emotionally unavailable men as well, although I have a great relationship with my father. He did cheat on my mother though, and I've found that in seeking out men who are good friends but will most likely (and often do) cheat on me, I become a self-fulfilling prophecy in some ways. I don't want them to treat me badly, but then they do and it's like I never really had to risk anything because in some unconscious way I knew it would happen. I'm trying to find a way to break this cycle. I'm not positive that my father's infidelity was the source of it, although it is suspect. Perhaps journaling will help me to recognize things beforehand so that I can avoid it in the future.

Fear is really difficult to deal with, because in some ways it is healthy. It is a natural defense, and can keep us away from harm. In my case though, it has sabotaged me.

It seems odd that I fight with myself in order to love- but I know it's worth it.

I will definitely let you know how this works. Thanks again for the suggestions, I truly appreciate it. :D

No problem, I hope it helps.

The tracing is supposed to help one identify where one picked up the character armor; what event created the need to armor ourselves, if that makes any sense. It can also help to resolve that behavior, as it does with food dislikes. The journaling is a way to dive into the event/behavior, once found.

When I tried this with guilt and lack of self respect, I had a huge emotional release when journaling about it. I found it quite helpful and I hope you do too. :)

[Neg]

Let me start by saying I'm not sure what type of love you mean.

Personally, I've resigned from seeking romantic love. It may sound elitist, but I don't think anyone on Earth could fit my standards of perfection. I want a perfect fit for me - and I know she/he exists. I have my reasons for believing that her soul is manifested on Earth right now, but we are manifested in such a way that we will not be with eachother physically. It's an interesting story, but I don't want to make a 'memememe' post.

People, a lot of times, don't know what love is. Fact of the matter is, the word 'love' is far too vague. There a many different types of love.

In today's society, lust and love usually mean the same thing - as unfortunate as it may. People don't know how to love, and sometimes they even fear giving someone what true love is. Okay, so now I'm being overly vague.

True love doesn't rely on gender, appearance, personality, physical possesions, etc. etc. etc. Love is just being compassionate and caring for another as if they were as important as yourself, regardless of circumstances. Fact of the matter is, a lot of relationships in today's world are not this at all. Society even secretly shuns this action of being overly open and friendly to everyone you meet. I've been given a queer eye and heard people whispering many a times for going out of my way to truly love people.

I don't search for romantic love. To paraphrase something a read in a book by Monroe once - Love is a river. Let it flow and naturally it will reach its destination. Now, I've been through what you're feeling on a very large scale, it was the worst feeling in the world for me. It's what transformed/transmuted my entire life.

Anyways, if you want to get over the fear - this is a method I've found very useful. It works with any emotion/desire etc etc

1. Practice being aware of the energy in your body and your chakras.
2. Practice being fully aware of your surrounding enviroment, just take everything in.
3. Be fully aware and observant and catch the moments of when what you define as fear shows up.
4. Meditate/reflect/think about what was happening in your body in regards to energy and chakras and emotions and thoughts. What was outside of your control?
5. After knowing exactly what happens to you, your mind, and your body. What these 'instincts' push to you do, pray inside yourself for help from your mother. i don't know your beliefs - but it doesn't really matter your beliefs are. if you have a religion, there's a mother figure in almost any of them. Mother Mary, Divine Kundalini, etc etc. Just know you are talking to a mother-like figure who cares very much about you and beg of her to stop these feelings and to get rid these sensations in what chakra/area of body.
6. Keep on observing your body throughout the days, and if you sense fear is about to come over you, resist it. If in a social/love situation, do the opposite of want it wants you to do. It might hurt, but this will destroy the fear.

well, hope i was of some help.

[Susie]

Scymitar and Neg: thank you both for your responses. Personal experience is the ultimate teacher, and if I can learn from both of yours I am truly grateful. Thank you for sharing :D

Neg: Yes, I do believe that love and lust mean the same thing to many people. I see them as two very different things, although it is certainly possible to have both with the same person. I would love to find my true partner in life, but I am not actively seeking to find him. I think we as humans tend to see things that aren't really there when we are actively looking for something. I have choosen instead to give things a chance when they come into my life- reflect and try to see it for what it is, and go from there. Love means something different to everyone, which makes it difficult to use that word.

My experiences have taught me to be shy with love on a romantic level, and as a general feeling as well. I am trying to overcome this fear not only to make a true romantic partnership possible, but also to improve my quality of life, my relationships with those around me, and the lives of those I come into general contact with. I have so much love for life and those who share this space and time with me, and it physically hurts to keep it to myself. Unfortunately not as much as it hurts to share it. I will work on what you both have suggested and let you know how it goes. Hopefully this thread will help others with this problem as well.

[Susie]

Scymitar and Neg (and anyone else who may have some insight into this). I have been spending time working with the suggestions that both of you have given me, and have found I am generally more aware of feelings as they creep up on me. I am making an effort to work through the fear as I become conscious of it- which is much more often. I have also noticed something else that I'm not sure is related, but seems to be. When I sleep, I have to cover up my heart in some way (which is a change for me). I either have to sleep on my side, or my hands have to be over my heart for me to be comfortable enough to fall asleep. It's not a physical discomfort, but more of a security thing. Is it possible that this stems from the increased awareness of a vulnerability? Is this a sign of progress or perhaps a sign that I need to work on that chakra?

Scymitar and Neg (and anyone else who may have some insight into this). I have been spending time working with the suggestions that both of you have given me, and have found I am generally more aware of feelings as they creep up on me. I am making an effort to work through the fear as I become conscious of it- which is much more often. I have also noticed something else that I'm not sure is related, but seems to be. When I sleep, I have to cover up my heart in some way (which is a change for me). I either have to sleep on my side, or my hands have to be over my heart for me to be comfortable enough to fall asleep. It's not a physical discomfort, but more of a security thing. Is it possible that this stems from the increased awareness of a vulnerability? Is this a sign of progress or perhaps a sign that I need to work on that chakra?

It's important to keep in mind that because you are addressing these issues, you will become more aware of what has already been there. It's easy to think these sensations are new or maybe even caused by the work you are doing, but, I have found that more often than not, you are simply calling attention to something that was there the whole time. Something to keep in mind. :wink: Sounds like you are aware of this already, but, never hurts to reiterate this idea. :)

When you feel that fear, explore it and ask yourself questions about that fear, you will be surprised with what you learn. First, acknowledge the emotion "I am feeling [insert emotion here]". Then ask yourself questions about this emotion, pay attention to what just happened that might lend insight to the cause of this emotion - a certain situation, certain people, what was taking place. Follow a line of questioning until you think you have found the root. It's good to journal these experiences, this is a kind of Soul Mirroring and can really help you understand your behaviors over the long term.

As far as covering your heart, this behavior feels like a physical manifestation of the sense vulnerability you are becoming more acutely aware of. What you guess it to be sounds right to me. :) When you feel this, try to explore it, using the trace method I described in a previous post in this thread, to try to find and understand the cause of this vulnerability. It happens when you're in bed getting ready to sleep? Sounds like a perfect opportunity to do that trace as this emotion is presenting itself to you, use this opportunity to your advantage.

Good luck and let us know how you are doing with this. :)

[LittleBee]

For example, I have found that the pain I feel from not having a loving relationship with my father has influenced me to seek out emotionally unavailable men in hopes of 'winning' their affection - in an insane attempt to maybe somehow change the past (funny how our minds work sometimes, eh?). This journal aspect of this is supposed to help one see these unhealthy patterns more clearly.

Dear Scimitar:
i have read an amazing book, later will post here the title and author, cause have to translate them first into English, about
how our mind works in these type os cases is not an insane attempt to maybe somehow change the past, but unfortunately, it is a subconsciouss SAFE LEVEL to be in... let me explain.
When a child is raised in a traumatic environment, it becomes used to it and knows how to deal with that specific pattern of behaviours of all involved (family members normally/ or those who take care of the child). At a later adult stage, one consciously seeks a better relationship and luckily may find the perfect match that will allow the pattern not to be repeated. Often it may feel as if the relationship of this kind is too perfect. Why? cause the old pattern isn't there. Sounds weird, but traumas leave big wounds creating a pattern design in our subconscious. So this becomes a big issue where the traumatised adult needs to first recogn this and then as soon as you manage to find an issue to fight over (just like mom and dad did ) with your loved one, and the hardest part is to stop it immediately. This is VERY DIFFICULT, but not impossible.
If the adult is not lucky to find the person without similar traumas, then both later will be "recreating" patterns from their past into their present life together, and obviously either end up in counselling rooms of psychiatrists (trying to understand and heal the relationship) or end up splitting for good.

Here, i would advise: if one recogns this type of situation hapenning, to openly talk to the partner and fight over it together each and everytime time a neg pattern is brought unconsciously to surface. If one of the couples is not traumatised and truly LOVES the other, then things should be possible to overcome and live easier substituting one pattern for the other, thus healing, HERE is WHERE LOVE SHOWS IT's POWER to us :-)) (hey, i am not SHOUTING; just stressing a point :-) )