Please help

[buttercup]

I posted this on another forum and am posting it here,too since I am quite desperate and in need of a miracle.

Today,again,in fear I can't help but feel like everything that's been coming down on me reeks of karma. The tones of it,it just is all too familiar. As I said,I'm well aware,sometimes crazy things will happen because it's to bring you what you want,etc,but I SWEAR this is not a case of that. This is my worst nightmare. It feels like a "curse." And,again today,I found myself again thinking is this someone had "cursed" me with bad karma. I did something right before things started getting really bad and my intention was not ill but it caused a lot of pain to someone. I know how they are,how angry they get,and what kinds of things they'd say about me in anger and attack in their minds not knowing their thoughts have power. And,so,I am just wondering if playing the karma angle,then maybe what should I do to clear it? Should I just really sit,and realize I WAS wrong and then maybe i'll have gotten the lesson and things will start to actually shift? Have you ever done something that someone else thought was wrong and then your life went to hell and ripped to pieces after for months? When I analyze all this mess,that's what this most looks like.
Again,here's what I did and I'm well aware maybe I seem a monster,but i'm writing this to heal once and for all. My brother wanted to stay with me in July for a few weeks or months(wasn't yet set) and right away I said no. In my mind,he created that situation via the law of attraction by worrying like crazy and expecting bad to happen. I know how he is. I like my privacy and his life style is so different from mine and I didn't think it'd be a fit for him to stay with me. He could go whereever my dad was going or with my mom. It's not like he had no place to go.
In August,my life started to crumble. Me and my best friend moved to an apartment that looked like like a dump. Worst apartment we had ever lived in and I don't know why we moved there. It made no sense. I never seen the inside before I said yes to it(stupid). That's when my chest started to feel tight and I thought it was the air in the apartment. Even the cat staying with me seemed to hate the place. This is also when my mind started to have really deranged ocd thoughts that scared the hell out of me such as me being buried in the back of my apartment...
I started having panic attacks I was going to die or my best friend was. I seemed crazy. Best friend decided ok,let's leave this apartment since he seen I tried to like it but couldn't stand it and in October we stayed at his parents for 10 days until new apartment was ready. His parent's place had been a place of a lot of emotional pain for me and as soon as I got there,I lost part of my hearing and started having heart palpitations. We thought it was the apartment making me feel awful,but my panics got even worse now. It was one of the worst mistakes going to his parents.
In October,I could see how hurt my brother was by me telling him what I did in July and I tried to make peace with him saying if he truly had no place to go,of course i'd have let him stay with me and this seemed to give him profound healing. He almost cried. He claimed he slept on park benches a few nights..I heard from my mom he had stayed with her and her bf and him got into fights. I heard my brother also go on angry venting sprees in October talking about burying people alive in his backyard and other crazy angry things.....
Since October,my life got even MORE worse,I lost my apartment and best friend. Things I never thought would happen. And,now I feel like a handout. I used to feel bad knowing my brother felt that way,and now here I am feeling that way when this time last year I never felt that way,and had a nice secure life. It may have been a bit unconventional,but it was fine. Everything that's come about has literally been exactly what my brother would've called karma,or what my brother would've hoped and vented about for to happen to me. I know this isn't some divine plan or me being psychic and knowing this would happen. My whole life got destroyed after I made one bad decision in July. I feel like a hypocrite,and like I learned wow,I really judged my brother too much,etc,etc. However,this doesn't feel right or divine. I had my vibration,and he had his. He attracted his life,and I had attracted mine,but now mine got ruined. And,I can't stop going back to this angle. Say this is karma. How do I clear it then so it can stop? I really don't believe people who make a bad decision that wasn't meant to be harmful should pay by having their whole life crash. EVERYTHING I have gone through has put me to being in a very similar situation to what my brother has been going through. I don't think it's right or deserved and not because I think i'm better then him but because I worked hard creating my reality via the loa. If this is psychic attack,then what is it not cleared yet? If i'm playing the karma angle,then what? Should I surrender to the fact that I should've just let my brother stay with me even though it honestly didn't feel right at the time? I admit it was bitchy but it's not like he had no place to go. I am just so lost. It doesn't resonate with me one bit that someone's whole life should go to pieces because they judged someone and made a mistake. I don't believe in a universe like that. All of this feels freaky. I have been affirming that any negative energy sent to me intentionally or unintentionally has a null effect,and all things are healing,etc,etc so what else can I do? I am so lost because this definitely reeks of a "karma" feel whether it's an actual karma or someone else's idea of karma for me.
Please help. I just want my secure life back. My best friend. To no longer feel like a handout. Everything I judged him for,i'm now in the same spot. It makes no sense. I need a miracle. There must be something I can do to manifest a miracle. I firmly believe sometimes we just need something to hit us,some kind of realization or getting the "message" and then things finally shift,but what is the message? I am going to start meditating deep since i know there the answers actually lie. People don't deserve to be punished like this for a mistake they made which wasn't even ill intentioned...plus I will be honest,in life,I have done things WITH ill intention and never had anything bad happen but now this mistake in July,and I've suffered 9 freaking months!!!!9 months my life has been ruined and far from normal. I know that things can shift. There must be something.

[DarkChylde]

There are things you very strongly need to take into account here.
Firstly your'e very totally and entirely committed to the idea that this whole thing sparked out of you denying your brother staying with you (for which you had very valid reasons : him having the option to go stay where your parents were and you being cognizant of the fact that your lifestyles were different to the point of not making good music together).This is called logical operation , this just isn't a case of a malicious denial of a staying place.There is no ill-intent in this and please stop persecuting and penalizing yourself for a sound logical action you took in the past.
Secondly let's examine your brother ; what kind of a person rants out angrily about burying people and has fights in the very place they are staying? - the fact that he had fights with your mother's boyfriend is keenly telling of the fact he has no respect for a place others have provided for him.You don't bite the hand that feeds.When someone puts a roof over your head and takes you in , you count your blessings and pray for better days , this realization should have been all that much more apparent to a person who claims to have had to "sleep in park benches".
Thirdly , I don't understand why in God's good name would a sibling wish such awful horrid things to you?.If my brother did that to me , I would very seriously , cut ties off and shield myself from him.How can he direct such awful malice towards you? just because you told him staying with you wasn't a good idea? however is that a sane reaction on his? Trust me no one would go berserk if they are told to stay elsewhere (it just doesn't warrant such an out lash).Forget the spiritual part of all this , do you not realize that if someone harbors such hatred against you they are best kept at an arms length?.There's honestly something very wrong with your brother , when you said he cried out of relief and healing when you told him you were sorry , tells me of it ; that's a sign of instability - apologies do not beget dramatics and that too specially from men.An appropriate response under any circumstance would have been something along the lines of "Hey what are you on about?, that was July - that's dinosaur bones now!".Crying to gain sympathy and attention is a very common tactic.
Fourthly when you say it's a karmic response to your actions because you had to undergo the same harsh situations your brother did makes no sense at all, why ever would karma punish you for looking out for yourself?.Do you not note the fact that karma would have rewarded you positively instead? - I noted when you said you have a private introverted life and he doesn't , weren't you realizing that not just you but instead both* of you would have had a bad time? weren't you sparing your brother of potential upcoming misery when you denied him that stay?.Shouldn't you get positive karmic points for acting out prudently both for your and your brothers sake?.
Fifthly we all have bouts of bad luck , I had one that ran a whole entire year and let me tell you it was it was bad*.There are several critical analytical flaws in how your'e calculating damage in hindsight (I can point them all out but I'll keep this concise).The biggest one is where and when you started rewinding events in your mind and thinking "what the hell could've brought this onto me!"- maybe the lingering guilt inside pointed towards you refusing your brother a stay and that went off the tangent.There are innumerable repercussions to every decision and for some reason you've chosen this incident as rationale for the past nine months.I'm saying there are a number of reasons why what happened to you happened and your brother doing this to you is just one* of them , one out of many many - perhaps those that aren't even apparent to you now and maybe won't be for several years.
Sixthly paranoia , OCD , panic attacks , palpitations , loss of hearing , fear , anxiety and feeling badly for nine months also strongly points towards several other things , depression being one.Almost all of what your'e writing of are symptoms of it.If you have access to a psychiatric consultation , please do take it.There is medication exactly for all of what your'e feeling.Just realize that instead of metaphysical , spiritual or karmic reasons there could be other things too.If you take a psychiatric evaluation and give medication a shot - it will only help.There is only so much you can pray away , use the LOA for , affirm away , or simply blame on karma and psychic attacks.When I underwent this , I took medication and it got the matter in hand again.


A girl like you , full of immense gratitude and love - I can vouch for isn't the reason why this happened :-)

[CFTraveler]

I agree with all of the above.
If feels like it's your fault because you are a good person and had good intentions when you refused him. The conflict between 'helping him on the short run' and helping him on the long run (helping him take responsibility for his life) is causing you to blame yourself, and by doing this you are attracting more ill will, and it's causing some sort of spiral you have to get out of.

[buttercup]

There are things you very strongly need to take into account here.
Firstly your'e very totally and entirely committed to the idea that this whole thing sparked out of you denying your brother staying with you (for which you had very valid reasons : him having the option to go stay where your parents were and you being cognizant of the fact that your lifestyles were different to the point of not making good music together).This is called logical operation , this just isn't a case of a malicious denial of a staying place.There is no ill-intent in this and please stop persecuting and penalizing yourself for a sound logical action you took in the past.
Secondly let's examine your brother ; what kind of a person rants out angrily about burying people and has fights in the very place they are staying? - the fact that he had fights with your mother's boyfriend is keenly telling of the fact he has no respect for a place others have provided for him.You don't bite the hand that feeds.When someone puts a roof over your head and takes you in , you count your blessings and pray for better days , this realization should have been all that much more apparent to a person who claims to have had to "sleep in park benches".
Thirdly , I don't understand why in God's good name would a sibling wish such awful horrid things to you?.If my brother did that to me , I would very seriously , cut ties off and shield myself from him.How can he direct such awful malice towards you? just because you told him staying with you wasn't a good idea? however is that a sane reaction on his? Trust me no one would go berserk if they are told to stay elsewhere (it just doesn't warrant such an out lash).Forget the spiritual part of all this , do you not realize that if someone harbors such hatred against you they are best kept at an arms length?.There's honestly something very wrong with your brother , when you said he cried out of relief and healing when you told him you were sorry , tells me of it ; that's a sign of instability - apologies do not beget dramatics and that too specially from men.An appropriate response under any circumstance would have been something along the lines of "Hey what are you on about?, that was July - that's dinosaur bones now!".Crying to gain sympathy and attention is a very common tactic.
Fourthly when you say it's a karmic response to your actions because you had to undergo the same harsh situations your brother did makes no sense at all, why ever would karma punish you for looking out for yourself?.Do you not note the fact that karma would have rewarded you positively instead? - I noted when you said you have a private introverted life and he doesn't , weren't you realizing that not just you but instead both* of you would have had a bad time? weren't you sparing your brother of potential upcoming misery when you denied him that stay?.Shouldn't you get positive karmic points for acting out prudently both for your and your brothers sake?.
Fifthly we all have bouts of bad luck , I had one that ran a whole entire year and let me tell you it was it was bad*.There are several critical analytical flaws in how your'e calculating damage in hindsight (I can point them all out but I'll keep this concise).The biggest one is where and when you started rewinding events in your mind and thinking "what the hell could've brought this onto me!"- maybe the lingering guilt inside pointed towards you refusing your brother a stay and that went off the tangent.There are innumerable repercussions to every decision and for some reason you've chosen this incident as rationale for the past nine months.I'm saying there are a number of reasons why what happened to you happened and your brother doing this to you is just one* of them , one out of many many - perhaps those that aren't even apparent to you now and maybe won't be for several years.
Sixthly paranoia , OCD , panic attacks , palpitations , loss of hearing , fear , anxiety and feeling badly for nine months also strongly points towards several other things , depression being one.Almost all of what your'e writing of are symptoms of it.If you have access to a psychiatric consultation , please do take it.There is medication exactly for all of what your'e feeling.Just realize that instead of metaphysical , spiritual or karmic reasons there could be other things too.If you take a psychiatric evaluation and give medication a shot - it will only help.There is only so much you can pray away , use the LOA for , affirm away , or simply blame on karma and psychic attacks.When I underwent this , I took medication and it got the matter in hand again.


A girl like you , full of immense gratitude and love - I can vouch for isn't the reason why this happened :-)


I went to therapy today. It was just the preliminary questions they asked today and next week I am seeing a psychiatrist. I had been analyzing this so much because I don't think life would've been this cruel to me however,just all that had happened are exactly the things my brother would've shouted at to himself in anger of what he is hoping comes to me for blaming me for his life. I never even felt that guilty as my decision wasn't ill intent until fall came and I found myself in such bizarre scenarios that it was like "is this karma?" Except,I don't believe in karma. I have also been working on forgiving everything possible I can. My life is in the most dire place it has been ever,and it is frightening. I have been praying.I really hope medicine can help. I wish to cut psychic connection to my brother. It was recently I realized he is in my mind a lot and it's usually obligation energy I feel but in my heart of heart's I don't really want to keep in touch with him. I want him to be well but that's all. He is a very,very angry person. Thank you for the response. Honestly,this being karma,just really,really didn't resonate with me.

[buttercup]

I agree with all of the above.
If feels like it's your fault because you are a good person and had good intentions when you refused him. The conflict between 'helping him on the short run' and helping him on the long run (helping him take responsibility for his life) is causing you to blame yourself, and by doing this you are attracting more ill will, and it's causing some sort of spiral you have to get out of.

My intentions weren't ill at all and if he truly had no place to go,of course i'd had let him stay with me. I know it's mean,but i just really don't WANT to keep a connection with him. I want him to be well. I've seen him go on his raging tirades and it is scary. It is honestly dangerous for him to have that much anger. You are right,though. It is time to stop blaming myself. I am a human being and i'm not perfect.

[dontco]

Hey! :heart: what you're going through is really hard... :/ I understand you.
I can try to give you my advice, I wish with all my heart that it would help. First of all, I agree about the fact that therapy would be helpful- your symptoms sound psychosomatic (but of course, I'm not a professional). I think that's a very positive first step that you took today.
Second of all, what I would say to you, from my heart to yours- take it from a person who had to deal with intrusive thoughts since I was 12- those thoughts are a symptom. They come to tell you there's something wrong on the inside. It's like an addiction- it's trying to make up for something. What would really make me happy? if you try what works for me. It seems to really help. What seems to help is self forgiveness and self love. It's sort of works like EFT for me, only without the tapping part. When I get an intrusive thought, I look in the mirror and say- I forgive myself for having that intrusive thought, or "I love myself", or I forgive myself for not being perfect at... (whatever it is). It also works great with procrastination, BTW, since you feel really bad for doing that so you procrastinate some more- but if you forgive yourself for doing that, go easy on yourself- then you'll see it all feels much better and you can much more easily go on and work. So this is my advice for you- go easy on yourself. You're a great person and you're always doing the best you can. and that's a beautiful thing. Being human is beautiful, and we're not perfect. And if we were- life would just be boring and predictable. We're here to make mistakes, and learn from them, and that's ok. That's really ok.
I know it's hard but I think you should think about thoughts as being just what they are- just thoughts. They have no power over you. That is the truth and it sets people free. When you get that kind of thought- just tell yourself that it's ok. That's ok. Really, it is. Trust me. And you need to remember that.

Do you know Joseph Murphy? he had the same teacher Neville did. Anyway- I remembered him because he said this one thing- sometimes, when we feel guilty- the subconscious mind realizes it and "punishes" us. I sure know it happened to me in the past... I think it's possible that the bad things that happen sometimes- come from the subconscious. Maybe especially when it comes to body functions? So I think- the first step you should take is self forgiveness. Repeat "I forgive myself" in front of the mirror. Love yourself. You deserve it. You're great! I love you, even though I don't know you :-) But it doesn't matter that I know it and that other people here on this forum know it or whoever it is knows it. What's most important is that you know it. Love yourself like your life depends on it. You're so worth it.
Another thing you may like to try is to take a shower everyday and imagine bad energy or whatever just going down the drain with the water.

A very practical LOA book that I recommend? http://www.scienceofgettingrich.net/itworks.pdf
that's a great, super short little book that actually works.
And for some very weird reason, this amazon review (http://www.amazon.com/review/R27IELWGMYAOYK/ref=cm_cr_dp_title?ie=UTF8&ASIN=0875163238&channel=detail-glance&nodeID=283155&store=books) may be even longer than the book! lol. But it's worth reading, you should have a look! it's really great and goes into more detail than the book.

Much love and good luck,
dontco.

[linda]

Hello,
Checkout Amma.org. Have someone energy test you for what pujas would be beneficial for you or the others involved. Amma can/may produce a miracle for you.

All proceeds go to Her charities so you get good karma of that as well. You do not need to be Hindu. Millions of people from all traditions go to Her for help.

The Tibetan Nuns project TNP.org also has pujas that can be done to aid people with karma and other difficulties and may assist you.

Wishing you find all that you need!!!

May the Light be victorious in ALL ways and bring clarity and resolution to you!

[buttercup]

Hey! :heart: what you're going through is really hard... :/ I understand you.
I can try to give you my advice, I wish with all my heart that it would help. First of all, I agree about the fact that therapy would be helpful- your symptoms sound psychosomatic (but of course, I'm not a professional). I think that's a very positive first step that you took today.
Second of all, what I would say to you, from my heart to yours- take it from a person who had to deal with intrusive thoughts since I was 12- those thoughts are a symptom. They come to tell you there's something wrong on the inside. It's like an addiction- it's trying to make up for something. What would really make me happy? if you try what works for me. It seems to really help. What seems to help is self forgiveness and self love. It's sort of works like EFT for me, only without the tapping part. When I get an intrusive thought, I look in the mirror and say- I forgive myself for having that intrusive thought, or "I love myself", or I forgive myself for not being perfect at... (whatever it is). It also works great with procrastination, BTW, since you feel really bad for doing that so you procrastinate some more- but if you forgive yourself for doing that, go easy on yourself- then you'll see it all feels much better and you can much more easily go on and work. So this is my advice for you- go easy on yourself. You're a great person and you're always doing the best you can. and that's a beautiful thing. Being human is beautiful, and we're not perfect. And if we were- life would just be boring and predictable. We're here to make mistakes, and learn from them, and that's ok. That's really ok.
I know it's hard but I think you should think about thoughts as being just what they are- just thoughts. They have no power over you. That is the truth and it sets people free. When you get that kind of thought- just tell yourself that it's ok. That's ok. Really, it is. Trust me. And you need to remember that.

Do you know Joseph Murphy? he had the same teacher Neville did. Anyway- I remembered him because he said this one thing- sometimes, when we feel guilty- the subconscious mind realizes it and "punishes" us. I sure know it happened to me in the past... I think it's possible that the bad things that happen sometimes- come from the subconscious. Maybe especially when it comes to body functions? So I think- the first step you should take is self forgiveness. Repeat "I forgive myself" in front of the mirror. Love yourself. You deserve it. You're great! I love you, even though I don't know you :-) But it doesn't matter that I know it and that other people here on this forum know it or whoever it is knows it. What's most important is that you know it. Love yourself like your life depends on it. You're so worth it.
Another thing you may like to try is to take a shower everyday and imagine bad energy or whatever just going down the drain with the water.

A very practical LOA book that I recommend? http://www.scienceofgettingrich.net/itworks.pdf
that's a great, super short little book that actually works.
And for some very weird reason, this amazon review (http://www.amazon.com/review/R27IELWGMYAOYK/ref=cm_cr_dp_title?ie=UTF8&ASIN=0875163238&channel=detail-glance&nodeID=283155&store=books) may be even longer than the book! lol. But it's worth reading, you should have a look! it's really great and goes into more detail than the book.

Much love and good luck,
dontco.

Ah,thanks so much. I know you believe in loa and Neville works so it's reassuring you think,too that therapy may help. I have been meditating the last few days and it's also a big help. My mind has been much quieter,also from this weird loa tip you may agree with or may not but it's about keeping what you want to manifest between you and God. I've found doing this makes me more quieter,but it also seems to give me more faith,feeling more empowered,and it keeps me from using others as a soundboard which i believe is key since then i'm then complaining less and such,too which is a big loa block. Overall,i just find this tip gives me overall more calm.
I think I heard of this book recently,actually in a youtube vlog. I will check out the book review right now.