attracted a difficult new friend, just like an old friend

[buzzcock]

I had a best friend for around 10 years. No longer in my life since I moved to a new town. As time went on he became more difficult. I could go on for pages, but he used to descend into depression, try to get me to sit drinking with him, while he complained about life. I cared very much about him and his problems, but he used to just get self absorbed.

A specific thing he did many times was persuade me to go out "picking up women" with him, then when we in bars he would complain that he couldn't talk to women here because, the music was wrong, the people were wrong, the women here were stuck up. And he would just spend the whole time standing around commenting on the women we were looking at and talking about how he would chat to them if only such-and-such detail wasn't stopping him. And berate me for not talking to women. If I did talk to one he would sabotage it in someway sulking.

He was a very good friend for a long time, he was always there for me in the first few years before he went downhill, and I had a great time knowing him, but when he was down he could be really hurtful and difficult, as well as isolating. For example if we with friends he would ask me to take him home and drink with him. And he would sometimes get me to spend lots of time with him then drop me and disappear for weeks.

Anyway this man I am living far from but still in touch with on facebook and by all evidence he reinvented his life, made a lot of new friends and is doing a lot better than he was when I left him. He's travelling and taking part in martial arts tournaments (stuff he never would have done when I knew him.)

The reason I'm posting is I have made a new friend who is scarily similar to him. A person I like and enjoy the company of, but he does some of the exact same things - stand in bars creepily commenting on the women he can see, constantly going out again and again "to meet women" but always finds some excuse not to when he gets there, sits there complaining with a beer. And he has the exact same seedy, secretive way of talking that my old friend had in his bad times.

I'm just not sure what the lesson is. I'm not sure whether I should see that my mindset is making me addicted to friends like this and I should cut them out of my life, or whether I have some way to help them, a way I failed in with the first guy. If it's to be a good friend without feeding their unhealthy parts. I'm not innocent in it as I can be shy and resentful and join in with the moaning and over drinking.

Anyway, thanks for letting me post all this!

[susan]

Buzzcock, I wanted to reply before this but didn't incase you didn't like what I was going to say but I need to say this.
In a previous post you met someone who just oozed calmness and a lovely energy and you asked how you could be like that person and how you could attract people like that to be around you.
IMO before you can be like that person and before you can even think of helping someone you have to get your own life in a happier state.
The person you want to be like I would think has found a peace within himself and does not let much get to him. Stay away from negativity. Surround yourself with positivity.
Just imagine how you could pull the opposite sex with such a calm happy energy coming from you. Not someone propping up a bar getting drunk .
3-4 years ago I started going once a week to a Buddhist meeting in my local town. Not to become a Buddhist but I was looking after my terminally ill father at the time and was stressed needing some respite from it all.
The young practicing monk at the time was so calm, smiling, gentle, attentive he just oozed what you were saying of this other guy. We just spent 1 1/2 hours a week talking within the group and meditating and the people there were just so lovely.At the end of each meeting going back onto the street mixing with all the shoppers I could feel the energy around me change. I had left the wonderful energy behind.
So please don't think of helping someone if it means bringing yourself down to their level.

[buzzcock]

Thanks for replying and giving advice! Sounds like a lovely meeting.

I mean this friend called me up Sat night for "a drink". I had been feeling a little lonely and far from my family and was grateful to have a friend who wanted to spend time with me. But 3 hours later he was in the bar being creepy about women, I just left him there. I feel unsure, should I be grateful for the friend or see a warning I attracted the wrong type of friend? One thing both him and the previous guy did was always tell me lots of lies about how fun the night had been after I left and what I'd fun missed if only I'd stayed. Even though I only see them sitting on their own. Another mutual friend of ours complains to me he has spent years avoiding him as he guilts him into staying in bars drinking with him too long.