Thinking about a bad teen memory

[buzzcock]

Basically I was 13. I was a big horror literature fan and my parents did not approve. My mother is a Christian and had bad occult experiences in her youth. I wanted to see the film Interview with a Vampire as I had read some of the books and it was out on video. My parents forbade me. For some reason, it tipped me over the edge and I went nuts. I packed a bag and ran away from home, I stayed away and sat in fields for a while, then I went to my Gran's house and she made me a meal and called my parents. When I got home my Mom was crazy and punched my face leaving bruises on my face because she was worried and thought I was dead somewhere. When she saw the bag and opened it seeing clothes she punched me again. I just shut myself in my room and she was screaming through the door saying she was going to come in there and kill me.

I look back now and I don't know what I was thinking. I was not alone in the adventure, I somehow persuaded a friend to come with me (his parents did not react as badly, they just thought he was hanging out with me.) I had to talk to social services and lied about the bruises saying I hurt myself outside and got sent to counselors.

I was having a very tough time at school - I was later diagnosed with mild Autism - and I kind of blamed my parents for all my problems. Everyone else I knew at school liked sport, their parents were into sport and drinking in bars, I felt like an alien and didn't fit in with anyone. My parents didn't know anything about sport and just liked religion, although my Dad also liked sneaking off with women from his office. I thought not being able to watch the vampire film was the last straw, the one thing I had to make me happy they wanted to spoil that as well.

I apologize for just spewing out the text without any real reason, I just wanted to write the story down. I still feel shaky about it now 20 years later. BTW I watched the film last night for the first time.

[IA56]

Basically I was 13. I was a big horror literature fan and my parents did not approve. My mother is a Christian and had bad occult experiences in her youth. I wanted to see the film Interview with a Vampire as I had read some of the books and it was out on video. My parents forbade me. For some reason, it tipped me over the edge and I went nuts. I packed a bag and ran away from home, I stayed away and sat in fields for a while, then I went to my Gran's house and she made me a meal and called my parents. When I got home my Mom was crazy and punched my face leaving bruises on my face because she was worried and thought I was dead somewhere. When she saw the bag and opened it seeing clothes she punched me again. I just shut myself in my room and she was screaming through the door saying she was going to come in there and kill me.

I look back now and I don't know what I was thinking. I was not alone in the adventure, I somehow persuaded a friend to come with me (his parents did not react as badly, they just thought he was hanging out with me.) I had to talk to social services and lied about the bruises saying I hurt myself outside and got sent to counselors.

I was having a very tough time at school - I was later diagnosed with mild Autism - and I kind of blamed my parents for all my problems. Everyone else I knew at school liked sport, their parents were into sport and drinking in bars, I felt like an alien and didn't fit in with anyone. My parents didn't know anything about sport and just liked religion, although my Dad also liked sneaking off with women from his office. I thought not being able to watch the vampire film was the last straw, the one thing I had to make me happy they wanted to spoil that as well.

I apologize for just spewing out the text without any real reason, I just wanted to write the story down. I still feel shaky about it now 20 years later. BTW I watched the film last night for the first time.

I am so sorry to hear how badly your parents (mother) did handle this issue. I am so sorry buzzcock, just 13 yrs old, not allowed to express your feelings freely, and when coming home to be threatened to be killed....so horrible....I send all my love to you.
I Think in this case when you was only 13 yrs old, I will not go there to say anything but that your mother was a monster by expressing her worry this horric way, and leaving you with out support only Death threat.....I am so upset now so I can´t write more...just sending my love.

Love
ia

[buzzcock]

Thanks. I just don't know what I was thinking - I was having some hallucination of being a wandering traveller like kung fu or something. I had this bizzare illogical plan from films and comics of living rough. I mean I've never really written about it. Its helping me to write it out.

[IA56]

Thanks. I just don't know what I was thinking - I was having some hallucination of being a wandering traveller like kung fu or something. I had this bizzare illogical plan from films and comics of living rough. I mean I've never really written about it. Its helping me to write it out.

When being Child and Young adult the brain is not yet developed and it needs very wise parents to guide through this delicat and difficult period to become an secure and wise adult. To have parents with own issues who Project them unto theires Children is a bad combo....I can understand why you needed horror films to boost your inner with as an counteraction against your parents who was lost into the religion in wrong way, instead of becomming secure and safe they did see Everything as an threat (you) who was different than theires standards...you did only try to balance the unbalansed energy at your home. I do not know if you understand how I mean?? But this is how I see it, because it was just like this in my Life...between me and my son...but I did not forbid him anything so because he needed it at that time...the unbalance I created with my "religion" at that time, even it was not as my son thought it was, this did come clearer after like 10 yrs after....as he been teen and then Young adult...he did see and me too what the unbalance was about, much about an misunderstanding on both parts.....maybe you see it to be in your case too?? between you and your mother?? It should bean the adult to understand this and not to make you feel it is something wrong with you. YOur mother had all right to forbid you to see that kind of Movies, and she should have done it calmly and tell you that you do not have the age to see this kind of Movies..you have to wait until you are like 16 or 18 ....right??

Love
ia

[buzzcock]

Well, thanks for reading. It just helps me to write it out to be honest. I've never really got it off my chest. Even when I tried counseling i didnt say about it. I was in a bad, negative loop then. When I say horror it was only X Files type things not extreme gore or anything.

Your right, it was very unbalanced. We were forced to come back early from work my parents wanted to do abroad. They were disappointed and unhappy. My Dad changed personality, he started swearing and being "pervy" commenting on women all the time. And he commented angrily..like "look at that dirty b*tch*s t*ts" etc. I shouldn't dredge it up as they have changed so much and are such nicer people now. They've improved so much. I feel scared that if I write this it shows in-gratitude to how they are better now.

It was an unhappy atmosphere, and I have problems with being confident. I feel like maybe I was wrong to write all this. Maybe I'm putting back in my mind when it was best forgotten. hm.

[IA56]

Well, thanks for reading. It just helps me to write it out to be honest. I've never really got it off my chest. Even when I tried counseling i didnt say about it. I was in a bad, negative loop then. When I say horror it was only X Files type things not extreme gore or anything.

Your right, it was very unbalanced. We came back from work my parents wanted to do abroad. They were disappointing and unhappy. My Dad changed personality, he started swearing and being "pervy" commenting on women all the time. And he commented angrily..like "look at that dirty bitches tits" etc. I shouldn't dredge it up as they have changed so much and are such nicer people now. They've improved so much. I feel scared that if I write this it shows in-gratitude to how they are better now.

It was an unhappy atmosphere, and I have problems with being confident. I feel like maybe I was wrong to write all this. Maybe I'm putting back in my mind when it was best forgotten. hm.

I totally understand your fear, but you must start to get it out of your chest, and to tell how things were, is not to put your parents down, it was then, and now is now....If it has not bean as it was, then you´w not had this sadness inside of you, right??!!
So to tell how they where and how it affected you, then you look how you where and how it affected them. But you where a Child and they adults, so you are the Product most of them, how they have affected you, and you only act out it also to show how it become....It was also a lesson for you, even it was hars, that all has consequenses, and in your case ...horrible consequenses...a fear stuck into your inner what you still are carrying around.
It is time to get it out for good.

So tell what you need to tell and then you can delete this threat ...if you are afraid your parents may read it....so ....you have that power so to speak.

Love
ia

[DarkChylde]

Well, thanks for reading. It just helps me to write it out to be honest. I've never really got it off my chest. Even when I tried counseling i didnt say about it. I was in a bad, negative loop then. When I say horror it was only X Files type things not extreme gore or anything.

Your right, it was very unbalanced. We were forced to come back early from work my parents wanted to do abroad. They were disappointed and unhappy. My Dad changed personality, he started swearing and being "pervy" commenting on women all the time. And he commented angrily..like "look at that dirty bitches tits" etc. I shouldn't dredge it up as they have changed so much and are such nicer people now. They've improved so much. I feel scared that if I write this it shows in-gratitude to how they are better now.

It was an unhappy atmosphere, and I have problems with being confident. I feel like maybe I was wrong to write all this. Maybe I'm putting back in my mind when it was best forgotten. hm.


Hi Buzzcock ,
While I understand you're describing how your father felt , using explicit language isn't necessary , if it was germane to the whole of the thread I wouldn't have put this in and glanced past easy, please bear in mind , people reading this thread aren't only the ones commenting on it , we have young people peeking so we keep proper manner of conversation.You are requested to keep it seemly.

Just be mindful of it here after ;)

[buzzcock]

If a mod wants to remove the words sure. I can't edit posts on the cellphone I'm posting on.

[ButterflyWoman]

Just because your parents are apparently "nicer" now doesn't mean the trauma of being punched in the face for being a stupid kid magically disappears. The damage is still there. You can forgive them, sure, but you still need to deal with your own trauma, regardless. Trauma memories have a different quality than regular memories, and are stored in different parts of the brain. They do need to be processed or they pretty much keep bugging you, at least on some level, indefinitely.

I found your post quite triggering, actually. Beating the crap out of you for daring to defy her sounds exactly like something my own lunatic mother would have done, including the screaming at the door for who knows how long about how horrible I was and how scared she'd been and blah blah blah. She was simultaneously a control freak and neglectful (I don't know how she managed that). She was also mentally ill, of course. I actually have lots of incidents like the one you describe.

Forgiveness is healing, I have said this for a while, but forgiveness doesn't mean self-neglect.

[buzzcock]

I am truly sorry about the triggering, I did not think. I just impulsively wrote the thread after seeing the film. It just gets me down that I had so little to feel good about then. I had no hobbies or skills or interests aside from books and films, no sports I was good at or much to derive esteem from. Not much friends I felt relaxed with. I mean running away over a film seems so nuts but it felt like it was all I had. I know you guys aren't free counselers or whatnot so thanks for letting me ramble. Sorry it was triggering and nasty.

[ButterflyWoman]

I am truly sorry about the triggering, I did not think.
Oh, don't worry about that. Sokay. Really. :) Don't feel badly, I get triggered over all kinds of weird and mundane stuff, too, but I've had years of therapy and it's not usually too horrible. When it does happen, I just take it as an opportunity to heal a little more (find the "trigger point", as it were). So, it's cool. We don't require trigger warnings or anything around here, because it's never been much of an issue. :)