Where did my zest go?

[PhoenixAndTheAbyss]

Hey guys! Long time!

I woke up the other morning with an idea to seek advice from those here at AD in the forefront of my mind, I had no notion at the time what I wanted to ask. I am taking this just as an expression of a desire for assistance, which is, lately, something I feel I need.

I've been sitting on that for a few days but today I think I would actually like to get my thoughts out and into the open someplace(so why not here?), and if you're keen, some feedback on them :)

In short, I am unhappy right now. Why am I unhappy? Well, most of it comes directly from the impact that failing to fulfill my responsibilities has on the people around me, mostly the family I live with as I usually dont see other family and friends for months on end apart from brief occasions now and then. I say unhappy 'now', because I am aware that due to circumstance (unemployed, live in a rural region, patient family) I am shielded from much stress that I would otherwise be coping with. Its become apparent to me that I've slowly settled into a way of life that hides from myself, my own deficiency to live independantly, and because of that I wouldn't say I'm depressed, because I'm not sad(usually). I persist each day, some are good some are lost causes, to complete the usuall tasks. Alot of the time though I default to thoughtless consumption, my motivation ebbs and flows. Even then It's a toss-up whether I'll act on a thought. When I'm aware, roused from blindness say, by discussion with my Mum about my dependance on her I find this shocking. I try to do the best I can but when the covers are ripped off it hurts to see. I have been stuck in this funk for years and have been making strides so when I fell back into it recently my desire to speed change grew, I dont want to keep letting my family down.

I think it would not be ideal if it were possible to live simply while not being a burden to those around me. Even though I have gravitated towards that lifestyle in the past, I now seek another way. In super scientific terms, I want to turn up the knob on engaging with my existence.

How do I do that though? I dont remember making the decision to disengage.

I do remember times of total utter givieupness(real word) back when I was in high school driven by depression and anxiety which I had been experiencing on and off beforhand. Though, did the depression come first followed by disengagement or the other way 'round? Did I create habits that weren't serving me well? I guess the question is did I have any thing to be depressed about at that time or beforehand?

I'm not expecting any type of response and I may be barking up the wrong tree sharing all of this with you but I thought since you're a nice bunch I would see what you have to say if anything, about my situation, perhaps you have some experience here. I'm just begining(again) to work my way out of this hole and just to let you know I am also thinking of seeking clinical help.

Thanks,
Phoenix

[CFTraveler]

I hate to tell you that it does sound like depression. You don't have to be sad to be depressed, this is a common misconception.
Now, it doesn't mean that you have a chemical imbalance that needs medication (it can come to that if you don't break your patterns), but that you have become used to the same rut and can't seem to get out of it, due to the perpetual feeling of unfulfillment. It is a natural response, but if you don't watch it it can lead into clinical depression.
So what to do? Put your finger on what is causing the feeling of being trapped in your life. If you can't find 'the' job that would fulfill you, find any job at all so you don't feel so dependent on her, even if it's a job you know you won't stay at. This will turn many things around, and if you succeed, you can meanwhile volunteer at some charity you resonate with.
Try to break the pattern, step by step, even if it is in little things that seem meaningless.
Good luck, Phoenix.

[Saturn]

Yeah like what CFTraveler said. You gotta do something. I'm guessing you have nothing going on which has a good side. Now you are open to do whatever you want. I'm assuming you don't have any serious handicaps.
So make a plan. What did you always want to do? Pick something. Find a school if you have to. Get a job to pay for your tuition. My advice for beginning is to stay at your parents house so you can save up your money. Help your mom around the house with the chores, or just do everything as a "thank you" for letting you live there(doing good with love will bring joy and peace to your heart). But figure out all the costs and how much time it will take. This is important so you have a goal to work towards that isn't ambiguous and scary.

You say you have some ideas but you don't act on them all.
I think this has to do with fear. There's some fear deep inside of you about getting out there and being on your own and you also are afraid of letting everyone down, so you're being torn in two directions with equal force making you unable to move.

Things are always going to be scary in the beginning. And you will always suck at something in the beginning. You have to accept that practice makes perfect, and that you can do anything if you really want it. Just remember your brain does more complicated math every day than what they teach in school...

[Neil Templar]

I know exactly what you're going through, and it's not a pleasant place to be. Nor is it (apparently) possible to come up with the solution yourself. I spent decades (literally) treading water, doing the bare minimum, starting things and then not seeing them through, feeling paralysed by an aspect that seems to be intent on some (passive/ unfathomable) form of self sabotage. Not really doing any harm, but stopping you from doing anything that seems worthwhile or productive or satisfying...



You say you have some ideas but you don't act on them all.
I think this has to do with fear. There's some fear deep inside of you about getting out there and being on your own and you also are afraid of letting everyone down, so you're being torn in two directions with equal force making you unable to move.



This hits one nail on the head quite hard, but there's another component that i've only just been introduced to through a very recent treatment akin to a soul-retrieval i just experienced - will (or lack of it).
I was disconnected with the energy of the Earth. My feet were blocking the natural flow of Earth energy, resulting in a lack of will, and in turn, appetite. Not only a lack of appetite for certain foods that would be beneficial, but the appetite for experiences that would encourage/promote the type of growth i was in need of experiencing.
Discovering this made so much clear to me. The blockage to forward motion was revealed.
The secret being connection to Earth energy. So i suggest grounding. Lose the shoes and get those feet onto the Earth.
Develop your connection with our beloved Gaia and take what's there in abundance. The supply never ends. <3

[PhoenixAndTheAbyss]

Thank you both, I appreciate the replies.


I hate to tell you that it does sound like depression. You don't have to be sad to be depressed, this is a common misconception.

That would be a translation issue on my part, I find it hard to define just what this is. Reading about other peoples experiences tells me that there is confusion as to what definition depression falls under. I picked a few words and ran with it, and I hope semantically it makes sense even if i cant get the syntax right. Might I trouble you for an opinion? Do you think I should I see sadness as a symptom of depression's effects not it's sole symptom, also do you consider depression and disengagement each as alternative descriptions of the same thing?

An aside. I feel lables such as depression are too large of an abstraction to be of much use in nailing down just what's really going on. I dont seem to have much choice though, because I don't have levels of introspection, observation or motivation(another big one related to depression) necessary to get to the issues at hand in a timely manner.

Thanks for describing the process of depression clearly and making the distinction between depression and clinical depresion, Besides the obvious stigma I think part of the reason why I used disengagement instead of depression to describe my current condition was because I dont consider myself clinically depressed.

Considering what I wrote previously and given the above.


...did the depression come first followed by disengagement or the other way 'round? Did I create habits that weren't serving me well? I guess the question is did I have any thing to be depressed about at that time or beforehand?

I think I have mistakenly used depression and disengagement to make a distinction between the things that I feel I have influence over and the ones I do not. Things over which I have influence being situations that I am both aware of and can take action on.

Instead, I think that should read,


...was I upset or otherwise before depression showed up or did it sneak up on me from outside my sphere of awareness? Note, I could have used deppression and disengagement interchangeably here.

Discounting big pharma, I can see myself aligned with the sentiment surounding medication and chemical imbalances with more information, after all there are lots of smart people working on them. Though I do consider this approach requiring no small amount of thought and consultation to see if it is actually necessary. If I take issue with anything it would be the term chemical imbalance, it's like a mash-up of both objective and subjective perspectives. But I suppose It does say more with less, than just saying chemical chemicals would.

I'm going to leave this for a bit, there's more to write but I've been at this for a while and I'm running out of steam.


* * *


Thanks for passing on to me some ways to get myself out of this rut and things to think of when doing so. Still, I'm concerned about my ability to remain consistent in breaking my patterns.

The most successfull way I have been able to make progress is, as you mentioned CFT, in the little things. Although staying aware of my reactions and focusing on picking the opportunies to change them is often a difficulty, a quick trip to see family for a few days or having a good week strangely enough leaves my efforts scattered to the wind, I am staying hopefull that I'll eventually have strong ways to get back on track quicker than before.

The other way, which I will call shooting for the stars, has been a bit hit and miss, I've managed to find employment a couple of times because of good timing or through a friend in one instance, mostly seasonal work which by nature doesn't last. I am usually anxious but I try to see it as a challenge, to get myself onboard. I've noticed though once the initial excitement and novelty wears off I struggle to maintain performance and I have to start prioritising my resources in favor of work, and other aspects of my life suffer because of this. Generally though working does more good for me and others than not, which makes it my number one priority, now if someone would respond to my applications and take me on that would be great.

These things really outline for me how difficult I find it to run under my own steam, at times my only motivations are the things that prod me into action, keeping up appearances, social and familial responsibilities and such. This is a recipe for stress, I've found it's impossible to function for very long soley from avoidance of the consequences that come from not meeting expectations.

There is no doubt that opportunities abound. When things are good I feel this, though I feel the opposite when I'm depressed, if I even have the liberty of such self awareness. Instead of creating so much more with what I have, It feels like im only surviving in a sense, I struggle to strive further than what is simply expected of me.

Another aside. I appologise, I'm not trying to write a sob story. It helps me to lay it out like this so I'm taking the opportunity to try build a good picture for myself and others, I hope this explains all the context your getting.

I can take baby steps to build up confidence and trust in my abilities, that is something that is tried and tested to work for me. For the sake of this case can I say this is a top down approach? I'm begining to think that working from the bottom up so to speak would be advantageous too, do you think that seems uninformed? What I mean is perhaps like some form of mental preparation or conditioning, I dont know, meditation maybe. I had a idea of doing something a bit different to what I do sometimes which is paying attention to the present and letting my mind settle, I find this calming and centering, but this leaves me in a sort of aware but detached frame of mind, this is the opposite of what I would like, what do you think of this?

Once again thank you for your advice, Perhaps it is true generally but under these conditions I especially find many things learnt are all to easily forgotten and I appreciate you reminding me of those that may otherwise seem obvious.

P.S. Hi Neil! I haven't ignored you, I saw you had replied earlier today, but didn't get around to reading your reply just yet as I wanted to finish this post first. Thanks!

[PhoenixAndTheAbyss]

I was disconnected with the energy of the Earth. My feet were blocking the natural flow of Earth energy, resulting in a lack of will, and in turn, appetite. Not only a lack of appetite for certain foods that would be beneficial, but the appetite for experiences that would encourage/promote the type of growth i was in need of experiencing.

Neil, you have expressed something I was only just becoming aware of, you put it well. That is something I have been pondering lately, I am at a loss to explain why I can't just take it all in my stride, being able to respond to experiences as they happen with gusto, happy and greatful for the challenges they bring, confident that I will eventually achieve what I set out to do. Something as natural as thinking sometimes seems monumental.

I'll experiment with what you have said, I also do enjoy walking unshod, so I will try to get away from the computer and instead sit and play outside more, thank you Neil.