GRATITUDE LIST

[buttercup]

Gratitude list. What are you grateful for today? Gratitude is the quickest way to raise your vibration and manifest and it feels SO good.


this one may be long since my first written one in awhile
-gratitude lists
-being grateful
-sound healing musics such as heart as heart chakra music and theta beats which clear my mind,and make me feel wonderfully relaxed
-going to a tanning bed today for the first today and a nice place right in the neighborhood i liked. i was fearful this first time,but now that that i know what to expect,next time will be better
-the protein i've been getting and how hard my nails and muscles feel from it
-how pretty i looked today and realizing how pretty i really am
-protein rich foods
-sleeping wonderfully last night and realizing how important night sky is for sleep&peace levels is.
-my beautiful blue eyes,and how stunning they really are i've been noticing. they're huge and look like doll eyes.
-flowers
-instagram and finally joining and realizing i had repressed joining for so long,but i actually quite enjoy the creativity it allows me and the resource it can be for me
-getting more comfortable and seeing myself in new ways by taking selfies
-realizing how thin i am, and how small my arms are
-that mercury retrograde is almost over
-being better then ithink i am
-deciding to tell D how furious i was with him and the freakout i had at him,and how wonderful and present he was replying right away,and dealing with my craziness and asking if i'm ok and asking questions and talking with me,and talking with me the next morning too right away saying good morning and asking if i'm ok and about last night,trying to resolve it with me to find out what he did wrong. so super sweet considering i don't know him well yet at all and i think he tried making me feel better later that next night,too. i really like him. it goes back and forth so far our communication but he shows so many signs he likes me a lot and is someone for me.
-thankful for a new romantic possibility in my life
-thankful for D's dreamy eyes
-thankful for the wonderful sweet feeling of release after freaking out at D the next morning,and how vulnerable and soft i felt and just relieved. it was nice.
-realizing i need to get a hold on myself as well,and that it's all me,it's all within,my own resistances.
-being able to work in a creative field
-being crazy and interesting,and having an interesting life,and being me
-makeup
-being a girl
-sweet things to think about
-amazing music that speaks about what's exactly on your mind. amazing how that happens
-great art
-how great my chest looks
-physical exercise
-being inspired
-my artist mindset
-that D seems like a romantic,poetic type and a guy who would really be there,and a guy who likes unique beauties
-my porch
-knowing i need to just take actions in life,and not make it a big deal. ease and grace.
-that i'm allowing my computer to go and get fixed
-to stop worrying about things that are done,and to just clear the internal resistances. it'll all work out. it has worked out. it's done. ;)
-destiny
-dejavu and that i had dejavu one of the first times me and D talked
-feeling sexier,and more creative and in the flow lately and feminine. my 2nd chakra is open and healthy as i am feeling my feelings and it feels good. will keep working on this more
-technology
-laughing at things
-being silly
-being beautiful as i am
-the law of attraction and remembering it
-relaxing,slowing down,and surrender
-nighttime and daytime. melatonin and vitamin d. peaceful sleep&happiness
-being vulnerable and allowing myself to be. surrender.
-now that this month is coming to a close,seeing things in different eyes,and how it all is lining up and going perfectly,really despite how slow,halted,and blurred it seemed in the moment.
-seeing how things connect and form a story
-hindsight and seeing how it all makes sense
-observing my mind
-being skinny
-being me
-loving me
-seeing how i wasnt surrendering enough at all this month.i was trying to control outcomes and fearful. sunday was so good with allowing me to be feminine and finally let go of that feeling of waiting
-being admired
-good men who make my heart happy
-being a cool girl
-my status in life
-the seo work i've done and seeds i've planted and the pay off it will bring me
-finally getting my check from june this week. finally. finally
-space and solitude
-understanding people and the power of love.
-my kind heart
-how funny the universe can be at times.i wanted to meet after mercury retrograde because it's bad luck starting things during them and look at all the delays we've had meeting.i could get insecure if i didn't realize it was on my part,too and from a metaphysical standpoint i had late october in my head since the beginning.
-my awesome,chic,new winter coat
-all the signs D has shown he does like me in a way that can be serious. even when every time,i think he may not because of my own projection he goes and does the things like no problem. how i asked him to call me randomly during next time he goes to work to leave a vm and thought he'd think i was being weird and just blow me off and act like he forgot and he just replied cute at first then that next day he worked,he replied again saying perfect and sure enough did call later on his break. i was surprised and impressed. every time,i think he'll let me down,he doesn't. it really,really impresses me. how when i freaked out on him and thought he'd ignore me or be mean to me or reply to one or two texts then go away,but instead he stayed there with me til i went to sleep arguing with me asking me whats wrong and what did he do and am i ok. we hardly know each other yet he does this. just maybe,he will be the universe's blessing to me after this hard year. what started out as some random guy i was familar with but didn't know being silly then talking to me and seeming kind of rude and hurting my feelings then telling me i'm beautiful and would i go on date with him,has turned into someone i really like and have a strong feeling about. just maybe,after all this slow&blurred mishaps going on since beginning of october,will turn into a really clear,and quick connection now as the month ends. a connection where will quickly become a couple or something.
-my ideas
-my desire to express
-the internet

[CFTraveler]

I'm grateful for my family and friends
and pets.
I'm grateful for this list.

[Sinera]

I'm grateful for being grateful.

[buttercup]

-that D texted me today though he seemed a little off still but that's ok,merc retrograde ends in 3 more days. he asked if i'd leave him a vm today even though he knew how much i hate vm before and was embarrassed at my last one since i'm so bad on the phone. friends said he wants to hear my voice. after i left my vm for him he said very cute and a+
-that i've detached a little bit from D. this helps me to put things in perspective and have more peace and also attracts him to me easier.
-remembering other guy i liked and that there's lots of guys and possibilities out there.i don't need to get attached to one nice,very possible possibility
-hot tea and how good it makes me feel
-chips because sometimes you just need food that is slightly junky
-being me. my personality,my soul,my way of being
-things that feel good
-the divine feminine and surrendering to that more and more and being a feminine essence
-the night skies and how healing it is and the melatonin it provides
-how well i've been sleeping again. has made me feel so much more balanced and well
-getting my computer tooken in to get fixed today. things are getting back on track and almost out of the confusion bubble
-friend letting me use his computer and how much faster things get done on it which brings me more peace and breaks
-that it was sunny today. how healing the wonderful sunlight was and brightened up my mood
-having a little bit of that in a relationship feeling already with D which is nice,and i get the feeling he likes it too and is what he wants
-silence
-tibetan singing bowls music
-taking it easy and following what feels good
-new instagram followers today
-my beauty
-my thinness
-my cheekbones
-my youthful look
-facebook likes from old friend and work colleague i seen over the weekend
-a text from an old friend asking how i am yesterday or today(i forgot already)
-getting a little work done today
-slowing down allowing me to actually get more done and feel like i got more done. amazing how that always works. truth in paradoxes
-having empathy and understanding for others
-getting my story out on an online forum just to see it all out again for reflection and expression purposes and appreciating things more that way and the insights that came from that and the calm
-feelings that come to me
-how hard my nails feel and how great they look
-that the sun is now in scorpio.i do better when the sun is in water signs
-inspiration
-ideas
-learning
-working in a creative field
-the lamp in this room that has dimmer lighting for late at night which is more relaxing and better ambience late at night
-my eyeglasses
-relaxing
-little things i'm looking forward to
-a feeling of surrender today now
-all the theta i listened to last night which i'm sure helped me detach and feel intuitive and let go
-reconnecting to the law of attraction and trying a little harder
-feeling at peace
-the feeling of being beautiful and pretty and very feminine and sexy that comes when your life has some romance added to it.

[IA56]

I am greatful to have the opportunity to be around greatful people.
Thank you ALL.

Love
ia

[ButterflyWoman]

Today I'm so very grateful to feel relatively well and relatively pain free.

[buttercup]

-that i was in a relatively up mood today and felt a burst of energy
-that i've been sleeping better
-ideas
-detaching from D since he is annoying me lately
-figuring out what his deal is besides merc retrograde is that indeed i've been to dominant as i wasnt sure if i liked him even and so our issues have been competing for dominance because everytime i went into masculine energy he got more distant whereas everytime i was super feminine,even if i was crazy,he was fully present and there so it's pretty obvious,he is a very dominant guy when i look back and that i need to just let him dominate if i want this to work and there to be more flow. it's funny how i'm so into being feminine but have been going into control,masculine energy because of my own fears and uncertainties and wanting to put on a wall and preconcieved projections of how i seen him to be
-that a and i seem to be distant with each other and energetically detached mutually now. it's clear our time isn't meant to be now still,i cant help but hope i'm in a relationship first because i deserve it and usually everyone is in a relationship before me.i have a feeling this time,i just may be,though..
-food
-being easy on myself about getting things done and allowing myself to be lazy
-chill out and just hanging out time not doing anything serious
-a computer to use until mine is fixed
-great cardio workouts
-how good it feels to be moved on from a otherwise his status update earlier would've made me insecure and annoyed
-that a and i did have a talk recently that was like a hey,were ok and i'm still here chat. like,i didn't mess things up. that was super nice.
-having a place to live
-my friend going for a walk with me
-that my computer is getting fixed
-my desire to be creative
-my desire for clean eating
-hot tea
-being considered cute and adorable
-inspirations,desires,and dreams
-the sun now being in scorpio and the burst of energy and shift it gave me
-getting my skirt in the mail today
-that things are changing
-daylight
-sleep
-being a woman,my feelings,my femininity and attracting a dominant guy so i can feel beautiful in my vulnerability. it's actualy nice. he may seem arrogant and mean but to know if i'm crazy or vulnerable,he is there even more is deeply gratifying feeling
-my love of beauty
-that i attract really good looking men into my reality as lovers and potential lovers
-my beauty and feeling beautiful and feeling feminine
-my softness
-the internet and the wealth of information available on it
-deciding to start not taking things too seriously. if this guy wants to mess around and play games whether it's dominance,emotional issues,uncertainty,or all three,it's all good,because i'm not invested and have my own joy and pleasures i'm seeking and looking forward to.
-understanding how i create my reality
-the feeling i get of knowing all is in fact going the way it's supposed to..even the confusion....it's a weird and interesting feeling..
-nightskies
-working in a creative field
-the cool people i know
-all the opportunities in my life
-knowing its ok to not know what i'm going to do and not have all my issues figured out
-feeling physically well and knowing ever since becoming vegan,i always feel physically well. it's almost as if getting a cold is impossible on this lifestyle.
-being strong and holding it together
-healing
-nourishment
-my tastes,my personality,my character,my vision
-men who are still dominant
-creativity
- my wonderful business partner
-my best friend
-the law of attraction
-forgiveness
-understanding
-synchronicity
-pictures
-connection and interconnection
-the month of november coming up
-carbohydrates
-comfort
-love in all it's forms
-my sensitivity

[buttercup]

-for my phone
-that i had a date last night and had fun and went out. my first time even going out since i moved. much needed and soothed the pain of D blowing me off oh so mysteriously
-finding out D was only with friends the other night i got worried he was having a hookup
-deciding to let go of D because i have no choice after how he's being now. wanting to hear my voice wednesday then acting weird and disappearing and blowing off meeting me this week.i can't do anything but let go. hurts a little but i know he is doing this because he's insecure and feels i'm out of his league
-vodka
-serendipity
-deciding to text R after thinking D was with a hookup and how quickly plans became made
-my sense of style
-my beautiful big blue eyes that look like doll eyes yet also smoky and smoldering,too
-having experiences
-for R
-hanging out at R's house after we went out,and him offering me certain things and how he said he seriously would just have to make a call and would had i wanted one of the less tame things and got some and how funny it was to know someone so open-minded and rebellious and deciding to have one of the tamer things that he already had and just listening to rock music and feeling giggly and sleepy.he didn't have any himself,just i had some because he said it makes him too sleepy,but said now if i ever want any,i can get it from him and obviously wouldn't ever have to pay. so funny the edge in my life for a night.
-making out last night and being physical with someone. the chill vibes. and feeling like i'm in high school
-attractive men
-men who accept me as i am
-people who don't take things too seriously and can laugh at life and have a shot and just be happy and make things happen
-sexy,attractive men
-taking risks and expanding myself which allows me to feel more free and more confident
-taxi cabs
-living in a big city
-good music.
-walking to get a pepsi soda this morning
-how quick i found a cab after a friend affirmed for me...2 seconds later..found a cab
-how quick i got my key in the door after iwas frustrated and again,my friend affirmed for me,and then 2 seconds later,i got it open
-feeling so good
-how unusually warm and sunny it is today
-things i'm looking forward to and working on
-another business idea me and business partner are planting the seeds to
-learning new things
-my heart and soul
-eye makeup
-flipping coins to get answers..and how damn accurate it's been lately...very in tune with synchronicity,stichomancy,and tarot lately it seems..
-how easily i am able to read people..so in tune i almost feel rude and wonder should i try to turn it off.
-cocktails
-being a woman
-chivalry
-when people agree with me and common ground
-when people are just nice and caring
-how for some reason when ever i see people i haven't seen in awhile,they think i had been living in nyc or l.a
-lip balm. because my lips have been so dry lately for some reason
-things that make me feel good
-pictures i take
-my chest size and having some on top there and how good it looks and makes me feel
-having a life that seems glamourous
-another friend wanting to meet for coffee
-new inspiration
-people telling me ishould go out last night after the D business of him blowing me off and also possibly when i had thought he hooked up with a girl though that part wasnt true.i made the right decison and with all the synchroncity it seemed meant for me to go.
-mercury being direct now
-being slightly more casual with clothes and still feeling super cute and stylish
-my hair and how sexy men seem to find it.i have great hair,lots of it,lot of style,and tend to wear it slightly messy
-sunny weather making it easier for me to surrender and change my thoughts
-being able to laugh at the weirdness of life and the confusion and how much of a loop i feel thrown for and just enjoy not knowing what in the world will happen now and what could happen
-desires
-being young
-seeing were all growing and changing and that i'm in fact right on track
-learning that if a guy likes me,he is reading and lurking all my social medias. i used to think maybe he was but with last night and the weirdness of D and then other things in august and just thinking of the past,i will just have to confirm this as true. at least 90% of the time,if a guy likes you,he will be reading/lurking any social media/network he can find you on
-all the time sitting on my porch today
-being able to be feminine,independent and not desperate all at once
-R agreeing it's pretty messed up if a guy corrects your grammar.
-potential and possibilties of the beautiful surprises that can come
-dating and being flirted with and sexy men in general and just having fun. in the moment,we think too much with our emotions and don't appreciate the fun and spontanaeity of what's transpired someday,years later,you'll look back differently and realize how silly and fun it all was. it was just life and being young.
-finding creative ways to do all the things that are summery that i can enjoy in winter if i wanted. sun by tanning bed. water by indoor pools.
-sticking to my guns yet having honest empathy and understanding of other's views and perspective
-appreciation for different things,view and experiences
-stories to tell
-gratitude lists
-being an adult

[buttercup]

-remembering the joy of this list
-discovering more new amazing inspiring soul stirring,uplifting music
-music
-letting go when i get obsessive
-sugar
-my childish side
-caramel tea
-knowing when i awake ill get another new start to be better
-my positivity
-soup
-vegan food
-flirtations and someone new to think about not new technically,he's of the past but he gets my mind off D and maybe it's partially because we were physical with each other this weekend and merged energies from that but i feel lovely feelings towards him now and appreciation and a gravitation towards him
-that ill have my computer back tomorrow
-being able to reconnect with people from my past
-being an adult
-my eyes and how big and doll like they look
-seeing through others
-my hair and how thick and amazing it is
-food
-physical exercise
-the blissful feeling of surrender today and release of worries and feeling so much more clear minded
-pillows
-more sunshine today and a warmer day for this time of year
-seeing myself in a mirror i thought made me look very thin
-being young and being beautiful
-living in a big city
-deciding to be myself
-getting perspective
-new instagram followers
-boosting seo on business's page
-my unique beauty
-my sensitivity and feeling my feelings
-finding things out that's interesting
-all the signs and omens
-getting groceries today
-the color orange
-forgiveness
-curiosity for my future
-how on stichomancy,coins,and tarot have been
-paying attention to energy
-face yoga
-my softness and vulnerability
-compliments i receive
-men
-sticking to what i want
-detachment
-accepting and loving my neuroticism and being accepted by other's despite it too
-being unique
-desires and motivation and inspiration
-positivity
-sleep
-reflection
-being ok with my issues and learning them and observing them
-comfortable clothes
-using my wounds in positive ways
-how relaxed the coins allowed me to feel
-art
-romance
-my porch
-meeting and knowing a lot of people
-humor and people who get to know parts of you
-connection
-people who are real
-observing how interesting and funny it is the way life seems to move in cycles
-my accomplishments
-being mysterious,enigmity
-people who remember details about you
-instagram
-everyone going through changes,too. from one person going from a super fancy apartment to a more modest but still upscale one since he had the experience of that and now wants to downsize for economical reasons to another person finally get their apartment in the city and living in a trendy neighborhood too,everyone is moving at different paces but moving to achieve their goals. me,next ill be in a new neighborhood too next august and am pre-paving that but trying to enjoy the path since we all get so caught up in where we want to go that we think less of ourselves until were there and then by the time we get there,we lose important things shortly after..so the point is,desire things but try to appreciate where your at,since sometimes because of our own resistances and issues,things may take time.we all got our issues,too.

[buttercup]

-beautiful music that speaks to my soul
-that D texted me today and i played it cool
-the blissful,intoxicating weather today. so good.
-beauty ideas
-my beauty
-my hair
-my eyes
-my cheekbones
-a more colorful diet these days
-that i get to go to a tanning bed tomorrow
-that iget my computer back tomorrow. had to wait another day. no big deal
-my instagram
-the mind clarity that has come in the last few days and feeling released and back to normal and out of the fog
-my appreciation for R
-having a sexy life
-having a unique,stunning,feminine look that is that of a nyc model
-being a cool girl and knowing cool people. being part of the in crowd.
-being considered hot and desirable by cool and interesting people that are in crowd
-having a very young,doll like look
-the omens
-the coins being right. :)
-water
-caramel tea. so good.
-essential oils
-the sun
-the nightsky
-being a woman
-letting things go
-getting perspective
-cleaning today and getting more cleaning done
-business partner coming through
-how smooth,in shape,and tight my legs look and feel
-feeling sexy
-being in a fashion and trends field of work
-my love for physical exercise
-modernity
-people to text
-getting things a little more organized today
-invite offer from work for music thing
-my taste and vision
-having a childish sexy look
-style
-seeing how hard i am on myself and that i'm better then i think
-makeup
-learning
-not taking things so seriously
-finding out and feeling like D has tooken my wishes about what i was insecure about seriously when iflipped out on him that one night and been respecting them
-interesting articles that got my personality figured out!
-men and masculine energy
-my kindness and empathy for others
-having an artist mindset
-support from others
-having lived a full life filled with adventures,craziness and meaning
-dance
-relaxation
-release of tension
-me
-being me
-muffins
-my sensitivity
-beautiful things
-stories and understanding we live our lives as stories
-darkness and edge
-how patient my best friend has been with me

[buttercup]

-e inviting me to his halloween party. though he invited me last minute it's nice he thought of me at all and invited me. haven't seen him in so long but am not yet ready to see him yet. i had thought i felt him thinking of me too and that he would be hitting me up soon.
-d texting me today.i rarely feel our texting goes smooth,and today seemed the same. at this point i feel more of a friendship connection,proven by me being emotionally confiding and not caring whereas i may have played it cooler if i've been feeling more of a spark.
-pulling a love card for tarot as for what's to come with me and d. so,apparently despite all that's gone down,were going to be in love/in a relationship. i'm not surprised but at this point,the vibes feel way more chill then they did before on my end.
-food
-getting my fur angel illustrated and how cute it is and m doing another one for the project
-going to tanning bed today and actually going in the bed and staying in for 3 minutes. got tan definitely. next time i'll stay in for four minutes and actually lay my head down
-drinking 3 liters of water today. getting back on track with meeting my water goals
-warmth
-vegetables
-a stove to cook with
-my beauty
-being a woman
-getting what i want
-people to tell me when i'm not seeing things clearly
-catching up on some emails
-being offered that paid job close by
-body oils
-body moisturizers
-aloe vera
-lip balms
-how in tune with life i am lately and the synchonicity and life speaking to me. all i have to do is open an email to a song,and it's exactly what has been in my head of my life thoughts. so cool
-healing and wellness and the holistic
-working in a creative field
-people reaching out to me socially
-trimming my bangs,painting my toenails the other day. doing the little girly things that help me love myself and feel good
-doing cool things
-my desire for physical fitness
-art
-asking questions when i need help
-my creative director
-life and experiences
-attractive men
-tibetan singing bowls
-beautiful sounds
-dim lighting
-feeling more relaxed
-not taking things too seriously
-my phone

[buttercup]

-water and getting started early in the day with drinking a lot to get my 3 liters a day goal in much much more easily and efficiently
-guys in my life to think about as a nice distraction from life
-that i've lived fully and have a lot of amazing things i've done in life and moments to treasure
-amazing music to get moving too that makes me want to work out and get things done
-making protein drinks for best friend as a way to give something at least and contribute
-having some clean dishes and plenty of milks
-amazing innovative creations
-getting a first draft done on one of my writings
-relaxation
-surrender
-feeling authentically calm
-amazing vision and idea that came to me in meditation yesterday for work project that i needed and the heart chakra sensations in my chest that came from it
-feeling healthy and good.
-creativity
-resourcefulness
-feeling trusting life will provide for me ways to express in a way that is authentic,true to me,and classy
-reflection on things before bed last night
-being pretty and young
-deciding now im going to have a damn amazing summer next year
-being able to try tanning regularly and seeing how it goes and seeing they have an equally good deal on sundays as well which fits schedule even more possibly
-art
-focus
-being cool
-being an artist
-coffee
-an amazing creative director
-an amazing best friend
-loving my vanity and me who i am,my quirks,my neuroticism
-being ok with my door shut. it's cold season. all is good
-hearing about all the computers in the shop and how so many of them and merc retrograde just ended is so funny to me
-all the cool people i know and have met over the years
-cute things!
-inspirations
-abundance and expansion
-being ok with not having plans this friday.i was offered plans too so all is good i just may not want to celebrate this year
-the surge of inspiration and get things done mood i had and am having today
-that guys can be respectful and considerate of your feelings and get the hint
-my lips and that they're pouty but not too much so
-having an idea of how things will go today and what ill get done
-following what feels good and not caring what others will judge
-desires. such as my desire to get out of town for work or a vacation
-all the opportunities that come to me
-living in a big city
-strange things that make go hmm
-how accurate tarot has been lately and wanting to watch it unfold and it allowing me to surrender and chill
-motivation
-feeling more organized
-that change is happening
-meditation
-smiling
-loving myself
-feeling more detached from D but still liking him
-darkness
-craziness

[buttercup]

having a hard day today so hopefully this gratitude list gets me back up a little bit. this month has been brutal on me and im praying for a miracle.
-having a place to live
-candy
-pretzels and hummus
-junk food
-having a good face day yesterday
-drinking a lot of water again and getting on track with that
-acknowledging there is problems here and there so i can see something isn't right and heal it
-knowing happiness is the way to everything we want
-having my computer back finally
-best friend being nice to me. too nice,even which makes me feel kinda worse
-deciding i need to back off the stichomancy,coins,and tarot. it hasn't actually made me feel any better since i started except the coins once when i was in the despair last weekend
-relaxing tibetan singing bowls music
-cozy sleep
-admitting my despair to myself and that i'm not alright,not at all.
-that i can go back to my personal blog in a day since i've been taking every other month off from it
-my ears.i think they're cute.
-when i get compliments on my ears. it makes me feel cute.
-seeing i'm not really going with the flow at all,i'm not surrendering, and i'm trying way too hard
-having my desktop therapist affirmations again
-body oil for making my body feel more beautiful and attractive
-knowing i have resources available to me to boost my happiness and manifest my desires
-ideas on how to untangle my mess of feelings and get to the root of what's bothering me
-feeling that slight feeling of surrender come to me just a bit
-lip balm for making my lips feel good
-sportsbras for being great for working out and making my chest look good
-that i have wine in the fridge to help me out chill out more
-admitting my craziness more and being ok with it
-knowing i just need to slow my mind down and clear it
-my desire for wanting the weekend to be over with and the project to come out already
-having vision come to me about placement of animal illustration
-knowing i can change my reality and turn things around
-knowing at least D isn't dating other girls and is respecting my wishes about one thing
-admitting to myself i'm very dissatisfied with my life
-my computer being nice and fixed now
-knowing i want to be more feminine and more surrendered

[CFTraveler]

For this day.

[dontco]

For starting university- studying a subject I'm really interested in and getting to know real nice people :-) yay for me ;)
And thanx for reminding us about gratitude, buttercup, that's so important. I would recommend thinking about at least 5 things you're grateful for everyday :wink: does wonders to your vibration!

[LPCF]

For my beloved and highly esteemed teacher on the astral, John;
For the love and support of my beloved cat and dog teams;
For the most wonderful wife I could ever hope for;
For living in the countryside, so that we can grow our own food;

[Sinera]

For this evening when a very good old buddy I had not seen for ages did a surprise visit at my home. It was pure fun.
:D

[susan]

For Buttercup , who takes me back to feelings of anticipation, hope, vanity, dissapointment,acceptance, sharing into her private thoughts .
Go Girl , Love you. Xx

[buttercup]

For starting university- studying a subject I'm really interested in and getting to know real nice people :-) yay for me ;)
And thanx for reminding us about gratitude, buttercup, that's so important. I would recommend thinking about at least 5 things you're grateful for everyday :wink: does wonders to your vibration!


aww,i'm glad others are enjoying it. i find it really helps me out a lot! i can get into modes of complaining too much and before i know it lowering my vibe and attracting a mess so it helps to keep pushing up little by little the happiness. Gratitude is so important.

[buttercup]

For Buttercup , who takes me back to feelings of anticipation, hope, vanity, dissapointment,acceptance, sharing into her private thoughts .
Go Girl , Love you. Xx

aww,lol glad others are enjoying it. i like looking back on mine and seeing what i'm going through sometimes we lose sight of it in the moment.

[buttercup]

-how nice people have been on this thread
-the amazing journaling session i had last night that cleared everything for me,got me to the root of things,and seeing the metaphysical cause of this last month and back on track with what do I want
-sleeping well and waking up feeling cozy
-getting my phone upgraded with how much storage i can have on it now and getting the app i had been wanting to get for the past week or so finally. and now i have more room so this will make my life more efficient with things i need
-feeling so super relaxed tonight and chill. enjoying just being
-relaxing,peaceful music that allows one to dream and reflect and just feel chill
-how amazingly nice my best friend and all he puts up with for me
-business partner changing her mind about wanting a break.i didn't reply right away,and then she changed her mind shortly,i think maybe feeling guilty. but,i think a short break might be good. either way,im going with the flow and applying the lessons of yesterday
-getting back on track with why i've been a mess and realizing my indecison combined with insecurity lowered my vibe and gave conflicting messages to the universe. now i feel wonderfully decisive,surrendered,faithful,and confident
-potatoes. went back to vegetarian for the day and indulged again in some pizza and potatoes. i appreciate being leniant on myself at times and not feeling awful if i have vegetarian once in awhile
-seeing how when i stayed calm and positive little things started to work out yesterday and then today i woke up determined to be positive and the day it did test me,but i still stayed calm and positive and it all worked out,and manifested some goodness and most importantly feeling good
-that when i play around with photo editing apps,i find i don't even really need much editing at all
-d emailing me today. it came as quite a surprise and felt nice. i've not known anyone like him before and i think i may be different to him,too.
-guys who like my look exactly as i am
-calming more and more down about d and worrying about him just dating other girls. as best friend said,he seems to be a good guy and more of the innocent type. he has issues and is weird,but a good guy. everytime i've assumed in my head he must be doing this or that with some girl,i've been proven wrong. this is also helping me to realize i have jealousy issues i need to work through
-feeling lovey feelings tonight
-water
-technology
-feeling like people care more about me then i may think
-giving myself a break.
-realizing solutions to be happier i will be implementing now from last nights journal session of what i want
-feeling secure
-free tv shows online to watch
-being ok with not going out tonight
-the rain today. i kind of enjoyed the weird wacky weather. sunny,rainy,and snowy today. my city had it all.
-for a new month now
-my beauty
-that life is taking care of me and has my back
-forward movement
-modernity
-knowing what i want and what an amazing feeling that is
-the abundance,healing,and forward movement i feel
-days off
-love
-allowing myself to surrender
-acknowledgment of pain and knowing i don't need to know all the answer and have it all figured out right now
-feeling absolutely ready for a new month,and know it's going to be transformative and filled with blessings.
-knowing i create my reality.
-letting go
-improvements

[buttercup]

-d texting me today. that's two days in a row contacting me again now. he's swimming closer to me. journaling session made a difference for sure
-noticing d is clearly paying attention to me with things and wanting to find excuses to talk to me,elongate the conversation,and trying to text on my schedule he thinks i'll answer right away. cute. lol.i guess he seen i never respond right away in the morning so now he is always texting right at the times i would respond.
-how amazingly relaxed and chill i felt last night
-the app downloading frenzy i've been on. been in a must download all the apps mood since last night and playing around on my phone. found a cool app with stickers.
-doing some blogging today. felt nice to express myself a little
-a dinner so high in protein,i dont need any protein drinks
-avoiding the junk i was craving
-how hard my nails feel from all that protein
-being a woman
-being and feeling damn feminine
-models with my kind of look and mouth and teeth. it makes me more confident and also my job which makes me more confident
-improvement and expansion
-how cute it is that d likes girls with fair skin and doesnt like tanning and thinks minimal makeup is best. lol. he seems like he's going to be my little control freak already.
-upping my cardio today
-clothes fitting loser today from skipping workout yesteday
-plans with a friend to get coffee
-art
-creativity
-dim lighting
-how sunny it was today
-cool job offers that intrigue me
-my unique way of seeing things
-being love
-comfortable clothes to wear
-blankets
-cozy sleep and waking up feeling warm
-laughing at things
-getting decisive and staying decisive
-feeling better. felt physically unwell earlier from eating cheese but am better now
-my vision,tastes,and personality
-a drive with best friend and nice chat with him and how nice it was to hear a little bit into his mind and what's going on with him
-laying off the tarot and coins lately. doing good with backing off of that!
-hot coffee
-hot tea
-how freaking awesome this month is going to be. And,d contacted me first day of the month. so far,so good!
-that something good is going to happen today and/or tomorrow
-good news in animal advocacy
-joyfulness
-d definitely tests me. from reading his texts and reflecting. i appreciate being able to see that. omg,he was testing me earlier today.i knew that text message seemed a bit off. he said i'm very disciplined and it made no sense not really relating to what i said.i had thought earlier is he trying to say because he expecting me to make our plans or because he's gone a few days without texting me and i do nothing but wait patiently...i mean discipline is quite a strong word for what i had been talking about...but now it makes sense he has had his ex on his mind a lot and she abandoned him so he's trying to relate how i am with friends thinking would i abandon him. what a little mind player he is! he's definitely in a major testing stage with me. this is the 2nd or third time i've caught him doing something off that was deliberately to see how i'd react. hmm. wondering what this means! so far,definitely true from ways he's been and what he's revealed are he's definitely insecure,and definitely plays games,and definitely tests me. he's also obviously a control freak.
-the internet
-the quiet

[buttercup]

-d contacted me again today just now! he is getting anxious,i feel it,and feeling shy but trying to hold on to me
-the peppermint latte igot today. tasted like winter and gave me a major mood and energy boost
-being young
-cardio session and that i now do longer session then one month ago
-embracing the dark
-getting a new hat for winter today
-getting potatoes for dinner today and the awesome no chicken noodle soup i am going to have with it tonight!
-techno music for making me want to dance and getting me focused
-getting some work done today and feeling productive. heck yes. and feeling like i am in the mood to do more later tonight.
-feeling energetic today and good
-my beauty and feeling more confident about my looks today
-my shoes i wore today. comfy but give me a little height
-feeling like i got more looks while out today
-feeling loving
-love songs
-feeling like going out and having fun and going clubbing soon
-my winter coat
-how big my eyes are
-getting confident and decisive
-how amazing my hair is
-that i get to go tanning this coming week again and feeling less nervous about it
-my online blogging. it really helped me feel better
-my space feeling clean and organized making my mind feel organized
-knee high socks. for keeping me warm and looking cute
-being able to smile at silly d's games
-all the apps on my phone now
-how damn amazing my best friend is
-confiding in best friend were both having hard times and we need to start working together and pulling together to get rid of the block we've been having
-waking up feeling warm and cozy
-the sun
-deciding i'm going to go out and get some night sky tonight no matter how cold it is
-pictures
-dreams
-lovely thoughts
-feeling good
-trying hard but not too hard to keep my thoughts really positive now and remembering I create my reality
-just knowing sometimes
-destiny and the magic of life
-how damn good things are about to get i feel it
-the realizations,epiphanies that come from the depths of my pain that allow me to turn it around
-some great new submissions that are coming in that i feel may because of my instagram efforts
-feeling so feminine
-realizing how much of a spark there really has been with d this whole time,and seeing things differently with how he sees me and how things could go with us,what kind of person he is,how he wants to be,etc,etc the fact that something already happened in october,and changed us both and isn't just something that can be ignored. a connection was forged. a spark ignited. buttons pushed. mutual attraction confirmed.
-dancing
-my flexibility
-yoga
-my rebounder
-my child like side and realizing that's exactly how d sees me and wants to treat me
-realizing last night i really need to get it together and make more things happen! but from a feminine perspective of allowing mixed with inspired action.
-being forgiving of a wandering mind and knowing when i do my alternative healing meditation that's going to fix a lot of that up for me
-rose water atomizer
-relaxing
-trusting
-reassurances i give to myself
-embracing my pain
-being real
-my ideas
-chocolate

[buttercup]

-that i don't care about d and his games now. he texted me then ignores then i text later and he doesnt reply right away(unlike him) and is short with me then responds again in the morning super short and quite frankly kind of rude! first time he's done this. thought we were almost closer again then he does this. day is not over,maybe he'll surprise me.
-friend to chat with after finding out heart breaking news about last guy i was in love with that made me feel very weird
-news about last guy i was in love with affirming many things for me and utilizing the pain as inspiration
-vodka. it was needed last night
-my porch
-food to nourish me
-feeling good after hangover passed
-feelings
-best friend being patient with me knowing how hurt i was. how he's just much more patient with me this year,then ever before. it's odd and i almost wish we wasn't
-the stories in our lives
-finding again more proof d is acting nutty because he's not over his ex. he posted about her again today on one of his social networks
-comfort
-being told i can do things,too
-sweaters
-that it was beautiful out today,even though i missed it since by the time i spent some time outside it was chilly
-night skies
-the weirdness of life because it's very telling at times
-my desires and even my longing
-being positive all things considered
-deciding to stay really dedicated to fitness and not slacking on protein drinks anymore
-knowing things can turn around at any time
-mystery

[buttercup]

-starting my day off with my mason jar filled with water so i can start my day off on the right track
-the braids in my hair
-memories
-the stories of my life
-"ghosts"
-music
-being young still
-my beauty
-how large my eyes are
-how thin my stomach looks today
-a nice,warm cozy sleep today
-fascination and intrigue
-inspiration
-positive words for each day of the week
-trying to be positive and determined today
-changing my reality
-that i get to go tanning today
-lifting myself up the emotional guidance scale little by little,letting go of worries more and more
-relaxation
-being easy on myself since i know that is they key to change for me
-knowing one day i'll be cross country,too
-a job offer from someone new in my email today
-mystery and wondering
-that i had italian ice in my fridge after a major craving for icecream or popsicle. very pleasant
-tv shows online to watch
-interesting sleeping dreams lately
-signs coming back
-physical exercise
-protein drinks
-the amazing people i've met in my life
-being able to just reflect
-soul connections
-laying down sometimes and doing nothing. taking a break
-snack foods
-how flexible my body is
-wellness
-interesting life realizations and observations
-art and creativity

[CFTraveler]

Chocolate!

[buttercup]

-protein drinks!
-feeling in a better mood today
-getting some skin color
-feeling a sense of release today
-the insights that came to me in meditation yesterday about not rushing
-hair ties
-posting a new selfie on instagram and being surprised by all the likes i got right away.i was quite nervous about posting so it made me feel good admittedly.
-photo editing apps
-all the storage space on my phone now
-how amazing my best friend is and having him in my life
-asking the universe for a sign today. clarity is needed.
-coffee
-feeling that poke symbol on facebook from d standing out at me again like it's telling me to poke him. last time this happened,i followed that and he poked back and we got back to talking again. but logic is overriding me and i'm not going to,for now. i don't want him thinking i want him to add me back,even though,i did delete him and would love for him to add me back. maybe he wants me to add him back.idk,but i asked the universe for a sign so some clarity is coming
-using my pain as fuel
-interesting bright colored short lucid dreams that are very metaphorical
-sweaters
-my neighborhood growing on me a little bit,and embracing it a smidge and working with it
-heart chakra music and theta music
-ways to get all water consumption goals in easily
-feeling my feelings
-feeling strange and observing this feeling. yesterday felt so eerie,like i shifted realities and kept noticing odd things and just felt weird,like i've been here before type thoughts a lot.
-changing your past meditations
-quantum leaping
-knowing i create my reality
-getting my writing thing for work done! such a release.
-blankets and waking up feeling warm
-the sun
-being a romantic
-detaching a little from online lurking of d
-my eyes feeling better
-faith
-my stomach being flatter
-dancing
-sweaters
-being very pretty
-veganism becoming more and more popular
-d still seeming to respect me,i keep fearing certain things but he seems really respectful and innocent like ican relax. maybe i'm wrong,but i don't think i am..so why can't i have him? he may play games and be insecure and doesn't make as much money as some guys and has that long beard that's now grown on me,but he seems like he'd be super loving and would worship the girl he is with. or,maybe i'm wrong.i got mad he was minimal in my last text,but maybe he thought i was trying to friendzone him.i wasn't. i was just upset about j moving cross country and was hoping someone i like could maybe talk with me about it. but,clearly that's off limits with him..
-remembering who i was when j liked me and pursued me and fell for me,so i can be that girl again,and be better,and attract love into my life again
-staying consistent with the universe now and decisive on my wants
-vegan products
-resourcefulness and efficiency ideas. yay!
-meditation
-understanding something is off about when d approached me. something is mysterious and i will get to the bottom of it. maybe i'm naive but either he is very fake to have approached me so soon after his breakup,like it was sooo soon.two weeks at the most..so,either he was being fake and using me i wonder for an ego boost,or he liked me even before,after all it's quite odd he approached me a little over a month after my phone bugged out and liked all his posts on that social app. i mean,i'm one of the first he thinks to try to ask out? so practically speaking,i'm not thinking he didn't try doing that to other girls,too just being in that desperate position and who knows what else he tried.i even seen a post on his facebook implying he was poking his friends and him saying he was poking whoever facebook suggested. but,even that felt like a set-up to me,like he was poking other girls so i wouldn't think it odd he poked me.on one hand,it seems he very quickly got hungry and maybe trying hard to ease that pain,but on the other hand,i had thought he was making it seem like that,so he could approach me without it seeming so odd,but that's too...thinking highly of myself.and,so there is definitely something missing. i just can't pin what it is.i'd love to do some kind of deep meditation to get answer. when this first happened,i right away thought it was because of that social app glitch and that he was approaching me intentionally.i had thought he was single! but,then ifound out how recent his breakup was and it just seemed like maybe he was trying really hard to ease his pain. but,two weeks at the most..something off with that..
-

[dontco]

I'm not feeling the best about life right now so I thought that maybe if I post a "thank you post" on your thread, maybe I will look at life through rose-tinted glasses for a couple of minutes :-)

*I'm grateful for "Modern Family" because it always makes me laugh- even in rough times- and well known tv shows are also a good way to connect with strangers. I can talk to almost any person about Friends, and they will know what I'm talking about :-)
*I'm grateful for the earrings I bought from eBay that finally came in the mail today!!! love them. Yay. Also- they're ear cuffs so I get brand new style without having to pierce my ears again. And they were super cheap, too!
*Love, love, love eBay in general so of course I'm grateful for it ;)
*I am grateful for this community and the support it gives me. It's good to interact with like minded people!
*I am grateful for being able to OBE- I don't know how many people can do this and this really ISN'T the place to ask and get the statistics right (most of the people here can, but we are a small percent in the population in general). But I feel like it's a specail skill to have :-) and it really enriched my life.

I love your list, it does make me feel better- especially when I say WHY I'm grateful. I hope you don't mind I'm writing so much on your thread!

[buttercup]

I'm not feeling the best about life right now so I thought that maybe if I post a "thank you post" on your thread, maybe I will look at life through rose-tinted glasses for a couple of minutes :-)

*I'm grateful for "Modern Family" because it always makes me laugh- even in rough times- and well known tv shows are also a good way to connect with strangers. I can talk to almost any person about Friends, and they will know what I'm talking about :-)
*I'm grateful for the earrings I bought from eBay that finally came in the mail today!!! love them. Yay. Also- they're ear cuffs so I get brand new style without having to pierce my ears again. And they were super cheap, too!
*Love, love, love eBay in general so of course I'm grateful for it ;)
*I am grateful for this community and the support it gives me. It's good to interact with like minded people!
*I am grateful for being able to OBE- I don't know how many people can do this and this really ISN'T the place to ask and get the statistics right (most of the people here can, but we are a small percent in the population in general). But I feel like it's a specail skill to have :-) and it really enriched my life.

I love your list, it does make me feel better- especially when I say WHY I'm grateful. I hope you don't mind I'm writing so much on your thread!


please write as much as you want! i was reading a yoga guru earlier saying to start a gratitude list and write 10 things your grateful for and include things about your body and your life. Gratitude is one of the best ways to raise your vibration. i love it,i get caught in complaining mode sometimes so it helps me to stop that and turn it around. I wish i've had an OBE,i haven't yet. It's one of my goals but i have fears.

[buttercup]

-that i texted d yesterday and he texted me today about something random and so we have been texting each other regularly again but still not spark really or flirtation not since he first disappeared after i played said he is like a baby.i sense he thinks too much,though i could be wrong. i'm thankful i've let go of the rush to meet and fear he is unsure of me. now,i'm just enjoying talking to him.
-my beautiful thick hair at the perfect long length i like
-hair ties. i feel more beautiful being able to pull my hair back at times,now
-food
-nourishment
-old vacation photos
-positive psychology
-technology
-instagram
-photo editing apps
-my taste and vision
-being almost just about there done with the project!
-feeling such a positive burst of energy today and feeling pretty positive yesterday,too
-feeling spoiled
-the wonderful art the creative director did for me and how meaningful it is to me,and that she even did a third one for me
-all the artists i got in touch with being interested in helping me out with the art i wanted as well. so many art options.
-art of my beautiful fur angel
-getting my eyebrows threaded today
-tv shows to watch online for free
-sweaters to wear around the house
-mason jars to fill up with water or protein drinks
-having a photographers eye
-finding out money is doing better then i thought with best friend which relieved me
-my ideas
-healing music
-rose water face spray
-the internet
-seeing i'm better then i think iam
-finding out i need to stop assuming so much as i found out another thing i was wrong about
-taking the plunge to transform myself
-finding out about some trendy boutiques in my city with vegan fashion products
-being honest with myself
-indulgence
-meditation
-quantum physics
-healing your past meditations
-surrendering to my femininity
-loving myself
-laughter
-people appreciating me
-all the yummy vegan food options i've accumulated since june that i like as options now for thanksgiving. there was so few foods back then,and even now,i still am wanting more variety but there has definitely been a good amount of expansion and i know it'll continue to expand.i love being vegan. it makes me feel so good.
-perspective
-beauty
-feeling the feelings i want to feel to attract what i want attract
-a relaxed mind
-determination and inspiration to be better,no matter what life throws at me and to honor love by being love

[dontco]

please write as much as you want! i was reading a yoga guru earlier saying to start a gratitude list and write 10 things your grateful for and include things about your body and your life. Gratitude is one of the best ways to raise your vibration. i love it,i get caught in complaining mode sometimes so it helps me to stop that and turn it around. I wish i've had an OBE,i haven't yet. It's one of my goals but i have fears.

Thanx, you are lovely :-D gratitude totally helps, just writing on this list totally turned my day around! And about OBEs- it came to me when I really wanted it. Do you have Robert Bruce's book? it can help with that. You can try to go in front of the mirror and ask (your higher self) to have one- that's what I did before I read any of any book about it (even though it wasn't your regular type of OBE) and it worked for me, which was fantastic. I would also recommend to try lucid dreaming first since it's easier to achive and you can go OOB from there :-)

[buttercup]

Thanx, you are lovely :-D gratitude totally helps, just writing on this list totally turned my day around! And about OBEs- it came to me when I really wanted it. Do you have Robert Bruce's book? it can help with that. You can try to go in front of the mirror and ask (your higher self) to have one- that's what I did before I read any of any book about it (even though it wasn't your regular type of OBE) and it worked for me, which was fantastic. I would also recommend to try lucid dreaming first since it's easier to achive and you can go OOB from there :-)

I should. I think i fear how life changing it might be to have one..isn't that crazy? Since,i know it would be a good change. Also,i know i have fear in my vibration and worry i'd manifest my fears in an OBE like snakes. I had a weird experience in june when i was trying to have one and reading a lot about it and kept affirming i would. What happened was I was burning incense one night,lotus incense,and i was listening to tibetan singing bowls music,and i kept feeling weird,like i felt a prescence and may actually have an OBE very soon. Then..all of a sudden,my roommate walked in,and there was a snake right by me. I'm very phobic of them. It was a baby snake but still i had a panic attack and moved out of my apartment shortly after that. It's unusual circumstance because i live in a city,and on a 2nd floor apartment so how it got in is beyond me. Since then,i had kinda stopped reading about OBE's as much. I do believe as phobic as i am of snakes that they're a good omen but it really freaked me out. Not to mention,I had been grieving from a loss so the whole experience was very odd. I still get made fun of playfully by friends about the whole thing,being accused of "conjuring up snakes." lol. I have been having more lucid dreams lately. I should try and master that, I heard it's an excellent way to get closer to OBE. I don't have Robert's book but i heard it's excellent. It's on my list of books I want to check out.

[buttercup]

-i appreciate that it's been an interesting 24 hours! woke up earlier then usual to see a notification on my phone that the best friend of the guy i last loved who just moved across the country followed me on instagram. it was very odd.i hadn't spoken to this person in over 2 years and right recently after i find out this past love moved across the country he(the best friend of him) does this. he had to have searched for me randomly,i don't connect the app to my facebook or anything. i had thought did i somehow accidentally click something related to him but i know i hadn't.i had thought J was keeping tabs on me maybe and that's why this happened but then go to instagram,and it's gone. and his profile is completely missing. i've done some digging.i go on facebook and the picture matches his facebook so it was definitely him,and he just got broken up with his gf who he started dating two years ago. so,pretty obvious he was lurking my page and either followed me on accident then unfollowed or got too scared so changed his mind and unfollowed. overall,it was flattering! lol.i actually liked this guy before i liked J. I met them both the same night and J had a gf and this guy,i'll call him D2,had flirted and talked. I had stayed friends with J and became friends with his friends including D2 but the feelings became too much for me and J and we became involved and then it turned into chaos being such a strong soul connection. While mad at J after we ended,I had emailed D2 saying we should hang out sometime. I had meant as friends,as i wanted a friend with all my pain at the time.He had blown me off but politely but i found out it was because he was dating someone else and he then became official with her. I had always thought D2 hated me after that for some reason. Now,D2 is broken up with that girl,it just happened in october,and he is lurking my page...interesting. Im probably the last person that seemed interested in him before his gf. what's beautiful about all of this,is i felt the strangest soul connection not just to J but to some of J's friends and it was unusual for me to feel drawn to them,but they didn't keep in touch except a couple random strange things that happened which i suspected J set up to try and see if we'd run in to each other. I appreciate the interconnection of all of this. It's comforting to me. Just last night,i was feeling so sad about J having just moved across the country in october,and how i'm going to let it inspire me to be better and this happens the very next morning. me finding out his best friend is lurking my page.i remember how much fun i had back then with those people. Things like this confirm for me more and more that we travel in soul families. I just feel so drawn to some people,and it's so mysterious. Maybe D2 does like,and did like me. Maybe he will even pursue me. I don't believe in coincidences and i know that this thing this morning happened for a reason.
-that as my friend says i tend to leave a strong impression on people i don't even know that well. many times,someone i've only met once,years later will tell me how close they feel to me despite only actually meeting once things like that.people remember me well.i may not get as close to people the way most do,but what i do have going for me is i leave a strong impression despite my short time with people.
-deciding last night that D is friendzoned now. I like guys who are ambitious and capable not someone who can't even get it together to go out with a girl. he texts me pretty much daily,but asked me out september 29th and still no date. and despite the fact i really don't think he's dating others and is fairly innocent,i don't know what he's doing exactly and can't wait around and be strung along because every time he texts me,i feel attached despite not knowing if i like him since i still haven't met him! so,my decison is for my own peace of mind.
-cute socks
-another new fun app for my phone that i was having too much fun playing with last night. before bed,as i lay down,i spent 45 minute playing with pictures and laughing at my creations with it. i'm such a nerd but it was fun.
-feeling in such a good mood today
-the amazing bursts of positive energy i've been feeling this week.i feel so clear,cleansed,and released. it comes out of nowwhere that i just feel dang good all of a sudden.
-feeling cranky for a bit from my dairy hangover from last night,and then getting a coffee and donut from my favorite local coffee shop and right away my mood changing 100% to great mood again. such an amazing coffee and donut that was.
-appreciating candid moments in my neighorhood
-having an amazing dinner for later tonight
-learning new things and ways of being better
-getting work done
-another pet art completed for me
-instagram
-the internet
-possibility
-the feeling of aliveness and that something amazing could happen
-nightskies
-feeling cute
-beauty and ways to feel attractive and good about myself
-scarves
-waking up feeling warm
-technology and how amazing it is these days
-my plans for tomorrow
-making things happen for myself
-ease
-feeling a little more abundant
-that november is going pretty well...actually. it may just be mostly feelings things so far,but that's where is starts.
-the mystery of life
-love
-how great my eyebrows look
-my couch
-the interesting serendipity with D2 and D. Very similar names just take off a letter for one of them. practically the same age. both fire signs. both just very very recently got broken up with. and,sometimes,the universe brings me something similar before it brings me the real thing,i notice. both seem like they'd be outgoing and have a good amount of friends but are more innocent and shy when it comes to women. and,i did ask the universe to bring me someone new since D is driving me nuts.
-i appreciate not expecting anything. despite the fact that i'm intrigued,flattered,and inspired,that's all it is. i'm just inspired to remember time is nothing,and to just feel good and let magic happen.

[buttercup]

-that tomorrow is monday and i can get back to normal.i've slacked on fitness and diet and other things and though i felt ok with it somewhat,i definitely want to get back to good
-interesting psychic dream this morning. and first dream with D.
-that i've been having more lucid dreams lately
-a video that i loved spreading the word about something i'm passionate about and also inspiring me to go on a blogging spree inspired by that video.i spent a good amount of time blogging tonight.
-my computer
-interesting things going on in the universe lately
-wanting to be helpful
-trying,even if somewhat failing
-walking around in my city and seeing how much there is to explore especially when you just walk
-my neighorhood
-getting more blemish cream for my skin. it's been breaking out so it'll be nice to have that
-inspirational things
-being me
-soul connections
-the mysterious
-the psychic
-challenges
-how beautiful the universe can be and giving
-an inspiring article i came across that was not needed perse but was nice to see!
-the month of november
-mason jars
-heat and figuring out how to turn it on! feeling warm boosts my mood
-having a nice face day today
-my mary jane shoes that give me the perfect height i enjoy and are casual without being too casual and comfortable
-feeling more forward moving
-knowing from all my interesting experiences with life and serendipity that without a doubt in my mind there is so much more to life then this reality and what we physically see
-waking up feeling warm
-finding out i assumed wrong about D again which makes me feel like a an awful person.i thought for sure he had to have a friends with benefits when i was looking at his social app so i did some online lurking and sure enough,all clocked out,he was just at a male friends house,probably a party. i still stand by my decison that i've let go of him as an romantic interest,and felt more detached from him today but after the psychic dream i had this morning,i also feel more loving in a spiritual way towards him. like,maybe i just need to surrender that even all this weirdness of random connection,then chemistry,then him getting weird and us being weird is just part of the path
-the beautiful souls i've met
-following what feels good
-love
-seeing proof how i create my reality
-the things i admire
-being reminded of things that resonate with me and to immerse myself in
-my strength
-my innocence and vulnerability
-being a nonconformist and having a unique way of viewing the world
-thoughtful moments to just dream and reflect
-comfort from the universe
-my desire to go on a vacation again and maybe even try planning one
-my loving heart
-my body
-eyeliner
-bb cream
-that so far,i'm getting through fall,and am starting to see a point in it now,and the story
-God
-oneness
-that death isn't real
-my life experiences that have been fun,meaningful,or filled with love

[outofbodydude]

Buttercup

Gratitude is certainly a virtuous quality to cultivate. However, I noticed that there are many items on your list that strictly material and ego-related in nature. I don't suppose you're Buddhist so I don't expect you to have that level of understanding, but I do believe that some Buddhist teachings could potentially be of service here.

One teaching that may be of benefit is the Three Marks of Existence: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three_marks_of_existence

Essentially, this teaching states that (1) all conditioned things (which is everything on your lists) are impermanent. Thus, (2) they are unsatisfactory, unable to bring a lasting happiness. The final aspect to this teaching is that (3) nothing in existence is an attribute of one's "self." The perceptions we experience, our thoughts, feelings, physical and psychological characteristics, our actions and life experiences- none of these are attributes of a self, but rather a conglomeration of impersonal conditioned phenomena.

Another teaching that may be helpful is the doctrine of Clinging/Attachment/Grasping: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Up%C4%81d%C4%81na

This teaching states that clinging, craving, and attachment to material things, one's views, beliefs, and sense of self, sensual desires, ect, is the main cause of suffering in one's life.

The reason why I believe these teachings may be of service is because I can see how having appreciation for certain perceived qualities or personal characteristics and pleasant phenomena can lead to attachment. Understanding and accepting that nothing is permanent, that conditioned phenomena (the entirety of our experience of physical reality) is ultimately unsatisfactory, and that none of it is actually "you" may help one to release possible attachments to these material and impermanent things and thus eliminate the suffering that would be caused by the eventual cessation of these objects of attachment.

With Metta

[buttercup]

-stylish music
-pleasant,soothing poetic music
-the sun and warmer weather today and enjoying some sun healing and how uplifting it was
-being able to keep the door open
-feeling physically not well last night and today inspiring me to get it together with diet and exercise. felt like i almost pulled my back today. been having neck pain. dairy hangover. eyes feeling tired.
-clothes fitting loser despite eating awful the last few days and doing less exercise
-wonderful page finished by creative director today
-feeling observant and reflectful of life
-feeling more ready to move forward and go with the flow
-taking a risk today
-ideas
-that life is a story
-apple cider donuts
-coffee
-water
-mason jars
-the meaning in my life
-serendipity
-inspiration
-finding videos online from cool vloggers who inspire me and uplift me and resonate with me so much
-attractive men
-reminding myself to stay decisive
-afformations
-all the amazing things i've accomplished. i'm far more successful then i realize sometimes
-men who respect women
-people who are paving the way and carving new positive paths,innovators,trendsetters and such
-vegans
-photography
-all the cool things i've done in my life
-becoming accepting of life
-imagining myself as beautiful,and how unique and striking i really am
-me,myself,and my traits
-my desires,including my desire for soul growth
-feeling overall much more pleasant lately
-the mysteriousness of the universe and detaching myself from needing to figure it all out
-how early in the day it still is
-deep breathing

[buttercup]

Buttercup

Gratitude is certainly a virtuous quality to cultivate. However, I noticed that there are many items on your list that strictly material and ego-related in nature. I don't suppose you're Buddhist so I don't expect you to have that level of understanding, but I do believe that some Buddhist teachings could potentially be of service here.

One teaching that may be of benefit is the Three Marks of Existence: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three_marks_of_existence

Essentially, this teaching states that (1) all conditioned things (which is everything on your lists) are impermanent. Thus, (2) they are unsatisfactory, unable to bring a lasting happiness. The final aspect to this teaching is that (3) nothing in existence is an attribute of one's "self." The perceptions we experience, our thoughts, feelings, physical and psychological characteristics, our actions and life experiences- none of these are attributes of a self, but rather a conglomeration of impersonal conditioned phenomena.

Another teaching that may be helpful is the doctrine of Clinging/Attachment/Grasping: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Up%C4%81d%C4%81na

This teaching states that clinging, craving, and attachment to material things, one's views, beliefs, and sense of self, sensual desires, ect, is the main cause of suffering in one's life.

The reason why I believe these teachings may be of service is because I can see how having appreciation for certain perceived qualities or personal characteristics and pleasant phenomena can lead to attachment. Understanding and accepting that nothing is permanent, that conditioned phenomena (the entirety of our experience of physical reality) is ultimately unsatisfactory, and that none of it is actually "you" may help one to release possible attachments to these material and impermanent things and thus eliminate the suffering that would be caused by the eventual cessation of these objects of attachment.

With Metta

Thank you for your intention to help but I am not a Buddhist and my gratitude lists come from the teachings of the law of attraction,positive psychology,and loving yourself. They are taught by many who inspire me such as yoga gurus who teach you to list things about yourself,your life,even your body as well as well as new thought leaders. These are teachings that have resonated with me for quite some time now,years. What you focus upon expands. What resonates with me is that desires are good,not bad. Also,"there is no good or bad,only thinking makes it so."-William Shakespeare I've felt more happier focusing on so called superficial qualities and material things and it has only benefited me and expanded those things in my life and allowed me to feel more contentment if those were things that really made me feel good from the heart. The only helpful thing I can see from this is if i've been repeatedly grateful for a phase of something i'm ready to move on from,then it may be time to focus on that phase in a different way,thus detaching from it and manifesting the desired outcome.

[outofbodydude]

Thank you for your intention to help but I am not a Buddhist and my gratitude lists come from the teachings of the law of attraction,positive psychology,and loving yourself. They are taught by many who inspire me such as yoga gurus who teach you to list things about yourself,your life,even your body as well as well as new thought leaders. These are teachings that have resonated with me for quite some time now,years. What you focus upon expands. What resonates with me is that desires are good,not bad. Also,"there is no good or bad,only thinking makes it so."-William Shakespeare I've felt more happier focusing on so called superficial qualities and material things and it has only benefited me and expanded those things in my life and allowed me to feel more contentment if those were things that really made me feel good from the heart. The only helpful thing I can see from this is if i've been repeatedly grateful for a phase of something i'm ready to move on from,then it may be time to focus on that phase in a different way,thus detaching from it and manifesting the desired outcome.

The great thing about the teachings of Buddhism is that you don't need to be a Buddhist to apply them to your life- they are representative of the human condition and applicable to all people. Another great thing about Buddhism is that you are not required to have blind faith; the purpose of the teachings is that one tests their validity through experimentation, practice, and personal exploration.

Desire is said to be the root cause of suffering in Buddhist philosophy. It is the desire for sensual pleasures, the desire to become, and the desire to get rid of that cause the varying degrees of mental anguish common to all deluded (unenlightened) people, these desires being the roots of all attachment. A bit of reflection and insight into this concept will likely allow one to see the truth of this principle as it has played out in one's life since a person's earliest memories.


Desire, the way it is played out in most people's lives, is essentially a never-ending cycle of craving and striving for materialistic and/or impermanent pleasures or aspirations that never lead to a truly satisfying or permanent happiness. Rather, they only lead to stress and dissatisfaction, for even if they bring a temporary happiness, that happiness will eventually fade away as it is based on conditioned and impermanent phenomena, leaving the person to continue their impossible quest to find a permanent happiness in impermanent conditions.

A couple truths that I have come to realize from my own experience is that the fulfillment of my desires has never been as satisfying as I would anticipate, if it was satisfying at all, and would only lead to more desires. The gradual dissolution of many of my previously held desires has led to a great degree of tranquility, ease, joy, and overall wellbeing in my life. Freedom from the sense of urgency and tension that craving causes is a truly liberating thing.

That's not to say that all desires are bad. There are unskillful or unwholesome desires which arise from greed, ill will, or delusion, and there are wholesome desires which arise from selfless kindness, compassion, clear view, and an effort to cultivate true happiness and eliminate suffering by the skillful means outlined in the Buddha's teachings. The idea is to recognize and eliminate the unskillful desires and cultivate skillful ones.

[buttercup]

-going tanning today,my eyes feeling secure and the vitamin d boost it gave me and mood boost
-the weird thing with the social app and what it showed me about D right after i checked in
-french toast sticks and syrup and coffee
-the love song i wanted to start singing from being in a good mood and having it pop in my head
-taking a risk and contacting the person who inspires me for work thing
-videos that inspire me and that are metaphysical and remind me of being ambitious and the true nature of reality
-healing,self love and wellness and following what feels good.
-clean clothes
-my desire to move cross country
-that we live our lives as stories and how truly i see this
-my eyebrows and how great they look
-looking thin today and how great my body looks today
-carbohydrates
-my desire to try more raw veganism into my life
-my desires in general
-blankets
-heat
-my neighborhood
-memories and also remembering the feelings of those memories
-ideas
-that it's still early

[buttercup]

-feeling in such a great mood today!
-getting the protein drinks made
-protein drinks!
-having a place to live
-letter project being done and looking perfect and i really did a good job
-interview for more work confirmed
-person i took a risk to contact for work said yes!
-seen an amazing interview offer at a favorite club with a famous person in my inbox so got that which is great,i had just been thinking i'd like to do an event again soon
-seeing A the guy i really like and have for some time posting more things online that i just know is too drive me crazy,either we are really in tune or he is really keeping tabs on me,or most likely both.i really adore him. he has everything i want in a guy.
-how sexy guys can be!
-my pep!
-feeling love
-amazing journaling session last night where i realized i've been assuming too much and that it's time to let go of that and the beauty that can happen when you do and how it takes you to a no expectations mindset doing that which ends up bringing exactly what you desire anyways
-heat
-feeling confident and decisive
-keeping and sticking with my vision
-vitamins
-soothing upbeat music
-that project is almost done
-feeling loved and adored exactly as i am,even with my craziness and annoyingness
-how the more you love yourself,the more loved you feel by others
-soul connections
-the feeling of dejavu
-the feeling that something amazing is about to happen.i feel it in my bones. i'm right where i should be.
-that best friend is becoming more ambitious and that learning a great way to get this out of him is to aim twice as high,he then always ends up reaching higher as a compromise
-that november has overall been going pretty well
-being and feeling beautiful
-interconnectedness and oneness
-that all is well,all is really well
-my city
-the people i know and meet,i know such cool,interesting people and have access to more interesting,cool people then the average person and for that i am grateful
-knowing it's all going to work out
-relaxing,surrendering,and healing
-afformations
-enthusiasm and motivation
-energy and the dance and flow of energy and things that help me get back on track understanding it,understanding how to heal the flow of energy when it feels blocked and how to trust the flow of energy when it doesn't feel like it's going "my" way
-ab exercises. they feel so good and really make me feel nice and open
-high protein diet and getting in all high protein for the day and how good it makes me feel

[outofbodydude]

I understand that my advice probably doesn't resonate with you at this point in your life or spiritual journey, but I do believe there will come a time when you realize that these superficial or mentally/emotionally fabricated pleasures that you have been appreciating do not provide you a lasting or satisfying happiness, as although you have compiled such a large list of things to be happy about, each one of these things is impermanent and you may find in a relatively short amount of time that many of these things no longer exist or no longer apply. You may find yourself endlessly making these lists, looking for more and more reasons to be happy in all the wrong places. Appreciation is great if it is used skillfully, otherwise it may lead to further attachment and delusion, and thus further stress and suffering of various degrees.

I believe that the key to discovering one's true spiritual nature and finding the source of a true unconditioned happiness is not to focus on the temporary pleasures of the material world, but rather to release one's attachment to them and see their true nature as impermanent and unsatisfactory. The more focus and importance is given to these temporary phenomena, the more one becomes reliant on them to provide happiness, a happiness which is unsatisfactory by nature, as it is superficial and/or temporary.

I would recommend contemplating the impermanent nature of these items on your list, and the fact that they are incapable of providing a lasting happiness. Also, contemplate the nature of your desires and the stress and craving they cause, even if it is subtle or superficially unrecognizable. Perhaps this will lead to a realization that deeper spiritual teachings and practices are needed to become liberated. Take care.

[buttercup]

-chips
-water
-indie music
-hitting up my first local bar which may be my new local bar. so cheap! :)
-being young
-red wine
-getting back at D for the awful things he said to me last night and the clarity i finally got
-the perfect getting back at D and all the laughter that ensued and the responses i got back from him after my work on that epic text i sent him and thinking i may just mess around with him him for a month now to get back at him for how he strung me along for all of october and then said what he said last night and deciding defintiely not responding to his last texts
-my creative director laughing with me at d's ridiculousness
-bars
-deciding maybe i do need to be less sexually frigid
-being crazy
-learning about life
-project 19 finally getting released!
-all the affirmation i got about A really digging me last night. three times a charm,and not just that,but that he may love me
-feeling in an overall positive mood today
-throwing rebounder out
-pastries
-wintery things
-living life
-social apps
-feeling in an overall good mood today
-all the positive attention i draw when i'm out and about in public,even when i'm dressed down. strangers look at me so much and do strange things even. it can get awkward but it's good to be attractive. and knowing if i was out with D it'd be same thing.
-being beautiful
-laughter
-booking a job today!
-all the ideas that come to me
-black maryjanes shoes
-my neighborhood
-expansion
-heat
-warm showers
-feeling well
-getting asked out on another date. not interested in the person but it's nice to be asked out
-fun
-ambition
-feeling good

[buttercup]

-heat
-blankets
-my phone
-my computer
-my eyebrows and how great they look
-unique and interesting beauty
-women who have a really unique look and are very attractive and how inspiring it is
-self acceptance
-tanning beds
-how uplifted my mood has been overall lately
-realizing how fake people are and lie about things which has been a positive as i see some things now to not worry about as they are pointless since they are lies
-my intuition
-new ideas on what to post on my instagram
-being a woman and feeling very feminine
-A,i love him and know he loves me even if it's only on a soul level he cant comprehend consciously.i appreciate him having a crush on me.
-my child-like appearance and projection
-being me and being unique
-being sexy
-realizing everybody has "flaws" and still is super successful despite it
-photos
-mobile photo apps
-my ideas
-my desires
-a flattering thank you from an artist
-the wonderful abundance in my life
-being easy on myself
-winning this D thing
-music that speaks exactly what's going on with you at the time
-how great i've felt all month
-deciding to start relaxing since everyone is so fake anyways and that it's just even more of a reminder to follow what feels right for me and what i want to do and my path and timing
-things that attract my eye
-talking with friends

[buttercup]

-comfortable clothing
-feeling in a mostly pleasant mood
-being mostly over D
-signs something is coming
-how amazing A is and how much it inspires me to be better
-inexpensive clothing
-food
-heat
-ideas
-creativity
-mischief
-carefulness
-all my accomplishments
-my vision
-talent
-how uniquely striking and attractive i am
-my ways of seeing the world
-recognizing when my patterns of thinking are going ocd and that it's no longer real and being able to observe that and learn
-that i got project 15 in the mail today and i was nervous about one thing printing well but it printed so fabulous and made my day
-massages
-scalp massage
-holistic healing
-motivation
-knowing what i want
-how much more balanced my moods have been since going to the tanning beds for the first time
-learning
-lip balm
-deciding what i really need to do is stop one job i feel i've outgrown and carve out a new path for myself financially
-mixing things up
-my desires
-that i have plenty of time to meditate and get organized tonight
-how fantastic my eyebrows look
-confidence in myself
-my kind heart
-continually working on forgiving myself
-metaphysics and my understanding of reality
-being me,my interests,and unique personality

[buttercup]

-soothing uplifting music
-best friend getting a little more ambitious
-how my moods seem much more uplifted since starting to go to tanning beds
-coffee
-healing your past meditations
-sweaters
-weather being slightly warmer today
-getting groceries today. nice to pick up more things i need including iron vitamins and mixing up the thing i get slightly
-trying out the other grocery store as well today down the block which was funny and didn't work out so well. but at least i tried it and my curiosity is now satiated.
-the delicious high protein and high in vitamin a dinner i will have tonight
-the one somewhat decent grocery store my neighborhood has,which happens to be one of the very few things my neighborhood has going for it
-laughter
-ideas
-being inspired
-allowing A and even J as well to inspire me and make me become better
-afformations and positive questions to ask myself
-mysterious people
-people in general who just inspire me by living unique lives and lives that are just cool,and themselves
-reminding myself and learning to be myself more and more
-good stylish music
-me,myself,my tastes,my personality
-being amazing
-throwing out more things
-mobile phone apps
-the internet
-facebook
-getting an seo boost for one of my business's pages
-feeling my feelings
-embracing the seasons
-physical exercise
-the mysterious
-creativity
-art
-positive thinking
-faith
-connection&interconnection

[dontco]

I should. I think i fear how life changing it might be to have one..isn't that crazy? Since,i know it would be a good change. Also,i know i have fear in my vibration and worry i'd manifest my fears in an OBE like snakes. I had a weird experience in june when i was trying to have one and reading a lot about it and kept affirming i would. What happened was I was burning incense one night,lotus incense,and i was listening to tibetan singing bowls music,and i kept feeling weird,like i felt a prescence and may actually have an OBE very soon. Then..all of a sudden,my roommate walked in,and there was a snake right by me. I'm very phobic of them. It was a baby snake but still i had a panic attack and moved out of my apartment shortly after that. It's unusual circumstance because i live in a city,and on a 2nd floor apartment so how it got in is beyond me. Since then,i had kinda stopped reading about OBE's as much. I do believe as phobic as i am of snakes that they're a good omen but it really freaked me out. Not to mention,I had been grieving from a loss so the whole experience was very odd. I still get made fun of playfully by friends about the whole thing,being accused of "conjuring up snakes." lol. I have been having more lucid dreams lately. I should try and master that, I heard it's an excellent way to get closer to OBE. I don't have Robert's book but i heard it's excellent. It's on my list of books I want to check out.

I don't think OBEs were very life changing for me... They can sometimes be very fun- when your vibration is high, as you would say. I found that when I got scary OBEs it was always during times- you could say my vibration was low. I got them when I was scared, ironically, from getting a scary OBE :p I think it could be what happened with your snake right there. I think you manifested the snake because of the LOA, not because of OBEs. From what I know- when your vibration is high for a long time, you start to attract things more easily- and that includes the negative things, too. Remember that when you fear something- you feel it very strongly and that's energy. Emotion contributes to faster manifestation- no matter if it's negative or positive emotion :-).

[buttercup]

-making my 5 bananas smoothie. trying to implement a smidge of raw veganism in my diet again to combat any urges to get lazy and end up eating dairy
-feeling so good again today
-getting work done
-getting a possible offer for a side job thing of only working a few hours a week,which is exactly what i want
--my best friend and how amazing he is
-being able to express myself
-being me
-my hair and how lovely it is
-feeling determined and even mischievous and feisty
-tecnho music
-how amazingly well i feel
-starting the first step towards new business idea last night
-feeling ambitious yet soft and feminine
-having more energy yesterday and getting a little more done
-when starting to get overwhelmed by one thing,remembering it's only taking place of something else and how do-able it is,and easy and beneficial
-my creative director
-my visualization meditations last night and how great they made me feel
-hedonism
-sleep
-my job,my first job and how glamourous it is and validating for my looks and my dream job
-my motivational life coach attitude
-physical exercise
-how open my chakras feel
-vegan food
-my confidence
-allowing myself to dream and dream bigger again
-keeping myself focused
-my apartment feeling warm

[buttercup]

-going tanning today
-being fearless enough to ask questions to get the experience i desire
-realizing A loves me and how much it touched me to think of that last big sign i got from him and finding an article to get more info about what it meant,that thing he had said.and how it made me feel and how profound it just changed me
-water
-heat
-a new pic for my personal tumblr blog.i love how i always keep my profile pic somewhat anonymous and mysterious looking to fit the feel of the blog
-being sexy
-being around and knowing other sexy people
-living a sexy life
-getting the dishes done
-science :)
-quantum physics
-seeing how i changed for A and keep doing so and he keeps changing for me and how it makes my heart sing this dance of entanglement
-my sensitivity
-serendipity
-hot tea
-french toast sticks and coffee for breakfast. delicious
-finding a vegan cafe i want to go to this week. it's a little further,the next neighbhorhood over,but i really want to try some vegan pastries
-the mystery of life and how we all change and grow and the interconnectedness of it.i just feel such a oneness lately
-not needing to rush
-D texting me today a short text basically a shy way of saying what's going on with me. lol. which gave me more courage to go through with my plan that i executed about an hour ago of sending my next wacky vengeance text that was very hilarious.i cracked up laughing thinking of it last night and sending it an hour ago
-feeling and knowing there's someone out there who has a crush on you. it's very validating
-fashion and style
-thinking i may even contact A for a work reason since i would love to do that,too anyways and have wanted to
-just feeling more fearless lately
-calming myself down when getting fearful again earlier about things
-inspiration around me
-feeling young
-my coat
-tights
-happy animal stories that make me feel good
-reading about interesting people online that gives me new ways of looking at things and affirmation
-meditation
-healing
-the universe
-pondering
-all the cool talent all around me
-the internet
-all the amazing things i come to realize about A
-sweaters
-getting a little work done today and making some decisons
-amazing possibilities for work project that will look amazing and high end
-my best friend
-how great my feet feel since taking a break from the cardio workout i had been doing since august. change and breaks are good.
-beauty
-being a woman
-the joy of femininity
-understanding people
-ideas
-evolution

[buzzcock]

"-realizing A loves me and how much it touched me to think of that last big sign i got from him and finding an article to get more info about what it meant,that thing he had said.and how it made me feel and how profound it just changed me

-D texting me today a short text basically a shy way of saying what's going on with me. lol. which gave me more courage to go through with my plan that i executed about an hour ago of sending my next wacky vengeance text that was very hilarious.i cracked up laughing thinking of it last night and sending it an hour ago"

This is setting off warning bells for me. Talking about the new man as if he is a fantasy lover to solve all problems while talking about revenge on the last man. I have seen women speak in this way before and set themselves up for big falls. Try to look at things detached and realistic. I mean no offence and I'm not saying the new man is not good or the right one, but I've seen lots of female friends in the same situations talk in these exact terms and phrases (and seen them in the state of mind I am getting from the post) setting themselves up for big falls.

[buttercup]

-learning
-the responses i got from D that made me feel like he was seeing me as cute again and treating me like a child so i texted with him a smidge and deciding to go further with plan instead of waiting until saturday coming up with really creative texts to which he was responding before i was even done with all of them being really sweet on me,and even with the last one the one to disturb he still remained sweet and only affected positively saying he would not do that one thing and instead would cuddle with me. my biggest plan to creep him out completely only made him like me more. he then kept saying im awesome and i'm such an enigma and i really peaked his interest and why would i creep him out i'm a great fantasy writer and all these things so it was hard he responded like a winner. earlier before that he was texting me so much more then usual really clingy too and trying to get me to respond.
-texting with D all day. we actually texted alot today,it seemed to be on and off all day. and then after he didn't get creeped out,i asked him why not and finally confessed the texts were to get back at him he waited a bit to respond and did ask if i was b-s ing him and i finally laid it all out on the table for him. i didn't go into details but told him the truth. he didn't seem to care and has seemed to be avoiding me.i told him the interest lost was mutual. it seemed he was going to the movies around the exact time i started to tell him what was up. i'm glad i got it out.i had planned on
keeping up with my plan for about a month,but a week is fine. at least i got what i wanted out of it.
-trying out the vegan cheese. i didn't like it,but at least now i know
-ginger ale
-coffee and french toast sticks
-physical exercise. it makes me feel good.
-seeing i get attached and need to work on that
-my interview i have tomorrow
-laundry being done and having clean clothes. :)
-heat
-best friend commenting i look darker,if even he can tell,it must be somewhat noticeable
-being easy on myself
-sweaters
-tibetan singing bowls music to quiet my mind
-water
-meditation and how good it makes me feel
-feeling more action-taking oriented lately.i know i need to step out more
-asking myself what do i want a little more lately
-knowing my heart and what i know to be true
-inspiration that inspires me to do more,be more,evolve more,and further my potential
-the quiet
-coffee
-having a home
-when guys are sweet,it's great.
-people turning things in today,may not be perfect but at least things are getting turned in
-the mysterious and the interesting
-being career focused
-mixing things up slightly
-the universe
-wishes
-changing things up from the plan or formula a bit from time to time.i think this is great to do from time to time,helps you to go with the flow and induces spontaneity. hmm. inspired now.

[buttercup]

"-realizing A loves me and how much it touched me to think of that last big sign i got from him and finding an article to get more info about what it meant,that thing he had said.and how it made me feel and how profound it just changed me

-D texting me today a short text basically a shy way of saying what's going on with me. lol. which gave me more courage to go through with my plan that i executed about an hour ago of sending my next wacky vengeance text that was very hilarious.i cracked up laughing thinking of it last night and sending it an hour ago"

This is setting off warning bells for me. Talking about the new man as if he is a fantasy lover to solve all problems while talking about revenge on the last man. I have seen women speak in this way before and set themselves up for big falls. Try to look at things detached and realistic. I mean no offence and I'm not saying the new man is not good or the right one, but I've seen lots of female friends in the same situations talk in these exact terms and phrases (and seen them in the state of mind I am getting from the post) setting themselves up for big falls.


Lol,that came out wrong. Actually,A is someone i've known for 4 years now and only technically met twice but we have a strange deep soul connection. we had gone out on a date once but thought the other hated the other after,and strange occurences since then and then reuniting for something serendiptously last year. it rocked my world seeing him and changed my perceptions on things a lot. since then we have talked a little bit,and both seem to like each other,get a lot of serendipity but have not had it work out yet to actually getting together. i flaked on him out of nerves for example and things like that. A is surrounded with beautiful girls and probably dates some of them.i don't think he really likes any of them though because he wants a girlfriend yet has been single for some time. until the universe has us align to be together,i can only try and go with the flow. as for D,we aren't dating either but D has been not the nicest to me ever since we first started talking. last week was the last straw after he said out of anger he had been trying to date girls on this hookup app even though he had been stringing me along and playing games all month and i had been so patient thinking he was just wounded because he just got dumped. so,D although he may not be dating other girls,claims(though he could have been lying to hurt me) he has been trying. D and i haven't yet dated either. he just asked me out and we kept talking and talking and we've even fought already. So,basically,i'm not dating either. And, A is actually the one from the past. They can both do what they want though as can i since i'm not dating either of them. And my revenge on D was playful not cruel. I would never do anything tasteless. It was more kind of silly. As for D,there's not really much that can be had by now. He asked me out,by now,all the way back almost TWO months ago. Partially,it was my fault for the delay. Then,he got weird,and it stayed weird,and after he revealed what he revealed last week,there's not much that can be done. I'd like to stay friends with him,but he may not like that. i'm not even mad at him anymore,i got it out and i seen his true colors. I don't consider any of them fantasy lovers. I just adore A and always will and D had intrigued me but played so many games and we never did even end up going out,not even once. So,it's hard not to be frustrated at him. I do need to be detached,though. I agree. Ah,well he just texted me now. Could be really bad. lol. I do need to be detached. I don't like the attachment feeling that comes from interacting. I just want to be peace,but with some good excitement. It's hard though when you want something and then there's so much drama and it just isn't working out. Attachment is a weird thing. Even when you aren't sure of something,attachment can be strong. I wish i knew why that was or ways to aid in detachment. I want to feel connected and interconnected with others and filled by that but also detached and flowing. I have some ideas but i need to work on this aspect definitely otherwise,it'll just pop back up in other people.

[buzzcock]

well, remember to keep your sense of self , ie hobbies and friends, dont let yourself get defined by all the people worries.

[buttercup]

well, remember to keep your sense of self , ie hobbies and friends, dont let yourself get defined by all the people worries.

I agree. I think i let him distract me too much but we talked this morning and worked it out. the weirdness from the past month is now gone and explained,i guess. weird,i thought we were over.i also did something for work that boosted my confidence today and am feeling spiritually centered.

[buttercup]

-thinking d and i were over last night for good and that i'd put it behind me and shed away the layers from all that and focus on what new i can bring in my life and how i can move forward. but,i also did another tarot reading and to my surprise got positive readings saying we are going to unite and it's a kismet relationship. which,is what i've felt since we first started talking which is why it drove me crazy how he was being. i'm not often wrong about these things.
-water
-waking up and seeing sure enough,a few texts from D telling me can i please explain more why i'm mad and saying good morning and that he likes me. feeling fed up,and over it,i told him we can just be friends and came out with it,at first telling him i have nothing to say but when he said he wishes he knew what he did,i just said him stringing me along,etc,etc and we talked it out,and he claimed he didnt think i was that into him and that he felt he had to stretch to get me to text him and that im sweet and all these things and saying let's meet up and asking me what dates i'm free. so,idk,if this is just another game from him or what,but we seemed to be on the same page,him saying he had been confused by me and i told him i don't know how i've always been nice to him but am not going to chase him. so,i think now,were going to go out as friends? unless he is toying me again. we'll see.i can't quite figure him out.
-makeup
-new ideas on how to transform my look to be more attractive that i think i'm going to do
-yoga
-going to meet the person for work. it went really well! and boosted my confidence even if she doesn't call but i think she will
-doing things that are different and will make people wonder
-sleep
-having a slightly darker skin tone now
-changing the part in my hair
-feeling clean
-music
-style
-deciding not to tell creative director about D..or best friend. they think he's a bonehead after all i've said,so i want to keep it on the down low for now that i'm still talking to him and agreed to meet him still....even i feel nervous,like what am i doing. on one hand,he seems to really like me,but on the other,i just don't know. and,i feel i won't until we meet in person.if we ever do.
-having a place to live
-meditation
-changing history
-cute socks
-social media
-my winter hat
-heat
-feeling prettier when i take the effort versus being lazy
-my spiritual realization about dissolving fear and choosing love to feel love
-my ideas
-the things i create
-feeling comfortable and cozy
-feeling in an overall pleasant mood today
-the sun and sitting on the porch for ten minutes even though it was freezing,the fresh air and sun felt good
-being resourceful
-being in tune with certain others in ways that is very mysterious
-my back and neck ache finally being gone. somehow.
-cool things to discover
-waking up earlier today
-beauty

[buttercup]

-feeling in an overall pleasant mood today
-chips
-the sun
-sitting on the porch for 15 minutes
-my photo editing apps on my phone
-my wisdom and unique way of seeing things and being able to express them
-being classy but unique
-soul connections
-love
-admiration
-ginger ale
-coffee
-weather being slightly warmer today
-inspiration
-my ambition
-d texting me today calling me beautiful and i think trying to impress me today
-laughing about work today
-best friend being in a chipper mood these last two days
-getting decisive about the little things
-changing the part in my hair and how much better it made me feel
-sleeping a little better last night
-paying attention to the weird feelings i got randomly last night about D and him reminding me of now two of my enemies..i wonder if that's a sign. also the weird thing where i heard a buzzing in my ear before i fell asleep. and the weird thing with that angel mirror shaking and feeling a prescence again
-being talented
-feeling my feelings
-house being a little warmer today
-trusting in the power of happiness
-nightskies
-feeling more forward moving then last month

[buttercup]

- a lot of change with me and D in the last two days...idk how to feel about it.i'm cautious and have been hiding it from the two people i tell a lot,too.in the last two days,he's really changed. he's been all over me. he's been texting me a lot more,even when i'm short with him,sending me pics,saying random weird things to me out of nowwhere like "kiss kiss." sending me funny pics. telling me he is being as clear and honest to me as he can about his feelings that he likes me and did not mean to string me along and wants to potentially have the opportunity to kiss me someday and maybe someday more and when isaid i said we meet as friends he said huh,but i like you. he has said those exact words i like you so many times in the last two days. lol.i straight out told him he scares me and i wonder if he is going to hurt me and he thinks it's good im nervous,maybe it means i like him and i told him i think we didn't cross each other's paths by chance and it's not like me to get so affected by someone. i told him maybe i'm oversharing but i don't care at this point.i don't know what's going on,he did disappear again after a point in the conversation but i just don't care anymore he is weird and i feel stupid even still talking to him.i can't figure him out. and,i even suspected he lied to me last night. he checked in somewhere he just was earlier in the night after telling me repeatedly he just got home and is in bed. it could be a late check in,people do that,check in after the fact but still. as long as i dont tell anyone im talking to him,it'll be ok.
-passion
-discovering new music that really takes me away
-feeling thin and like i have a sexy body today,nice and thin with perfect curves
-feeling and looking pretty today
-the innocence in my face
-my beautiful hair
-my eyes
-posting a new pic on instagram i'm happy about
-creative director telling me i have goodies on the way she is sending me. :)
-starting to feel a smidge more confident and decisive about things
-mobile phone apps and all the ability it gives me to create really cool things
-coffee
-sleep
-feeling clean
-feeling comfortable
-feeling in an overall pleasant mood
-art
-positive signs
-being me
-feeling my feelings and acknowledging them
-being cutesy and innocent. it seems to be a thing guys like about me a lot
-water
-the change in my life that is happening
-the month of november
-flirtations
-my job being a ------
-the feeling of romance

[buttercup]

-cats
-appreciation
-the amazing things D has said to me and all the confusion finally cleared these last two,three days.the fact that i made an order on cosmic ordering site for D to add me back on facebook since i deleted him on october. the order was due the 23rd and i made it about 3 weeks ago and i got a text from him telling me he re-added me last night and sure enough in my email,i got an email saying my cosmic order was due an hour before he had texted. right in time! kinda cool manifestation. also,realizing now that the reason D disappeared a night ago was because i brought up facebook and that that is why he got so weird on me in the first place back when things got super weird in october with him..he had seen i had deleted him and hadn't seen at first but not until a day later. and so when i brought it up a night ago he got quiet on me then added me the next day. :) how clingy he has been which is his true nature he had just held it back because of a comment i had said back in september. him telling me last night the reason he has been the way he is the whole time is because i make him so nervous because im so gorgeous and he wants to be the confident man i want and so thats why he played it cool. i opened up to him about things too from my past.he said he wants a woman who he can explore sexually,physically and emotionally and listed all the qualities i have even random ones like a description of one of the things which what i do for a living i knew he really liked my primary job and was what drew him to me so i thought he didn't like as much my secondary career so saying thats what he wants in a woman and saying he likes my beauty,smarts,attitude,etc.he admitted he's had a lot of crazy thoughts ever since we first started talking. he also told me he gets attached easily and heartbroken easily and is clingy.he admitted more personal things too that he has touched himself to me sometimes and touched himself to some of my text messages and then he started later on doing that while we were talking after telling me things he has thought about me about licking my beautiful -----. i told him he can tell me what he thinks and feels. he went too far though wanting me to send a pic when i told him before i don't do that and he knows what i look like online from facebook and when we meet but he was getting a little carried away even calling me babe(first time giving me a pet name)and saying he doesn't want to ------to a facebook photo. and to just send him a basic plain selfie. it was obvious he was in the middle of it based on how he was talking to me. i got really upset and we had our worst fight ever. a lot was said.i told him i hate him and he's disgusting. he ended up getting mad at me and swearing at me and saying i made him feel like an idiot and am being selfish about how he feels. i accused him of giving me lines this whole time and told him i feel fooled i opened up to him and that all he feels is lust.he said he meant everything he said repeatedly and that he told me what he's looking for.he told me he i am beautiful and gorgeous and he is not going to apologize for being attracted to me and sent a pic of himself with a normal face expression laying down in a sweater shoulders up saying does this make him a whore because i had said in my anger i'm not a whore and that he thinks girls who send pics are superior to girls who dont and we debated about that him saying there is nothing whoreish about girls who do that. he said all he wanted was a picture of me as i am. he seemed like he felt really stupid and like i made him feel awful. he said he was going to bed and goodnight "my name" and sweet dreams and that he hopes i'll forgive this awful miscommunication. i couldn't sleep so texted him two hours later saying sorry i overreacted and i shouldnt have said some of the things i said to him and that i just have some things i'm not comfortable doing but i do want to give myself to him and that it really meant a lot to me what he had said earlier about being nervous and wanting to be the confident guy i want and thats why he played it cool and that iwant him to tell me how he feels and thinks and i think he just got carried away and thats why we had the upset. he replied two hours later in the morning saying it's ok baby,we will be ok and saying he just wanted a picture of me as i am and that he likes photography and loves sending me selfies of himself and he sent me another one of him. it was a little distant today i told him i do still feel a little awkward and he said before that just not to get mad at things that are innocuous and then he admitted that he wasn't mad at me,just frustrated and that he did get a little carried away. we seem to be normal now. idk what's happened. we fight a lot but we seem closer then we ever have been so far. and,these last 2-3 days have cut through every single confusion,literally of why he had been so weird.i can tell he tests me,he tested me at least twice last night or three times with certain things .i appreciate that we are closer now though and have moved past all these levels. it's like we are already in a relationship.
-going to a coffee shop that i really like the next neighborhood over and trying a vegan pastry and having a good experience that went really well with my friend and the barista and how nice he was! such a cool vibe place
-my skin looking better today because of the new moisturizer i bought
-art
-fun music
-deciding to be more focused today and not be so distractable by things like D
-changing my hair part which gives me more confidence
-cute socks like knee high and over the knee
-instagram likes on my pictures and appreciating my instagram again
-that D clearly wants in my world and is trying to stake his claim little by little bringing himself in my world more and more. i feel like his little project. lol.
-feeling slim despite not exercising much the past week
-feeling a little more physically confident
-exploration and newness
-the nicer weather especially yesterday and today too.
-being very highly attractive and above average in looks
-makeup and beauty products
-spacing out my texts to D more and more so i stay a little more detached and a little more in power
-physical exercise
-being wanted as much as i am
-my creativity
-my talents
-deciding to keep D a secret now from the two people i tell the most to

[buttercup]

-inspiration pics that i make to express myself and feel good
-my creativity and vision
-how pretty i am looking lately
-my skin being better now from moisturizer and getting diet better again
-my hair and how nice it looks a little messy
-a longer workout like how i used to do before i threw out my rebounder and the really nice yin yoga session and how good it made me feel
-feeling sexy
-feeling more body confident
-feeling desired
-the amazing thing D said to me saturday night that is everything and that i can't get out of my head. that i make him nervous because i'm so gorgeous and he wants to be the confident man i want so that's why he's played it cool this whole time
-the first time D called me baby on sunday morning,that were at that stage now
-being a -----(my primary career)and how D even came to know of me
-my beauty
-music and music that expresses exactly how you feel and what your going through
-how D makes me feel he makes me feel like he's a nerd and i'm a playboy model and although i have the job title i do,it's not often men make me feel quite like the goddess he makes me feel like
-liking D,i like his personality he is dark but kind and i like it
-photo chosen for project 20 chosen so can get that out which is nice!
-reflection,hindsight and seeing it altogether and how much forward D and i have moved in just this last 5 days
-water
-heat
-sweaters
-getting better sleep last night/this morning. was very healing.
-how good it feels to have an interest in my life again. I adore A but it's incredibly clear our time is not now and my focus is on D. I want D,i'm meant to be with D,i can feel it in my bones.
-the signs
-the sexual energy between me and D
-as awkward as it is,D randomly telling me he's done "something" to me sometimes since we first began talking makes me feel both creeped out yet weirdly intrigued. he's made it sound like he's been obsessed with me since we first began talking and cant control it.i even enjoy his little control freak tendencies and mind games of trying to stake his place in my life.it's dark but interesting.
-being feminine
-being young
-that D has an older,almost fatherly feel to him and how childish me makes me feel
-the perfect things D has said thru out this time that always comes out unexpectedly that either touch on some forbidden sexual subtlety,or makes me feel like a perfect goddess,or like a little girl and yet how through it all,i never feel like he sees me as anything less then an angel,i never feel like the sexual side of him is seeing me in degrading ways but as if i'm a fantasy
-how romantic D is
-that i'm now back to being into him. after the unfolding on things starting wed night up to now it started with were over,to him clarifying things and getting clarification himself and changing EVERYTHING and answering every question i had,,to me still saying as friends,to him telling me what he has thought of me this whole time which pierced deep in my soul to our worst fight ever to the first time he called me baby,to me admitting i'd have sex with him which basically confirmed my interest still and now were here. there's no going back after this.
-tea
-that D has been good to me. everytime i get nervous and insecure and then find out he's really listening to me.
-that my brother is ok. heard something scary but it was a false alarm.
-positive intentions
-that D sometimes says little things to make me feel better about myself when he senses or knows i'm not feeling best even though i never tell him. it's super sweet,its like he wants me to feel perfect even if i never was the one to tell him i don't feel that way. it's like he only wants me to feel like im beautiful and never to feel like i'm a bitch or anything but only respectful ways. as soon as i said on wed that idk,maybe people think i'm a bitch he completely changed his energy as well like he felt really bad and would never want me to feel that way.

[buttercup]

-wanting to surrender to D
-feeling feelings for D,for sure feelings for him not wishy washy anymore.
-my hair
-going tanning today and the first time no issues with anything that made me have to ask questions and get embarrassed. how nice. :)
-food
-veganism
-ideas that come out of my frustration that i've been thinking about for awhile and playing with for a bit,that tells me it's a next phase for awhile and ways to put it altogether..this may be a new progression of my primary profession for awhile..
-all the laughter from my secondary career and how hilarious and twisted sense of humor my creative director has
-hilarious work jokes and posting a vaguebook reference to it and creative director posting hilarious comment back to it on my facebook status.
-worrying about D maybe taking the joke and reading too much into and reading it wrongly when really i was thinking about him with it just to see two hours later,he liked the status too. he liked the status about a joke he has no idea what it could mean unless he is going on my work page to get an idea which then he would see could be a flattering reference to him. it was very sweet puppy love for him to like that status and i'm glad he did. it may sound silly but guys who i like or am dating don't usually like much of my facebook posts,it's really rare, if at all so i'm glad he does. it may be silly but it makes me feel connected and like he's paying attention to me.
-how much better i feel about my hair since trimming the ends
-cheesy metaphysical jokes that are flirty and funny and my nerdy sense of humor
-that D is clearly paying a lot of attention to me i like how says things to try to impress me based on what i've written on my personal blog. he wants me the guy i want and it's so sweet
-how much has changed with me and D and how it feels like were already in a relationship. i just know were about to be,there's already a sense of closeness.
-sweaters
-fashion and style
-healing your past meditations
-creativity and art
-passion
-beauty
-healing
-tibetan singing bowls music
-keeping D a secret still. it's been about 6 days since i've mentioned D to the people i talk to the most and i love it. i feel it makes things much better and makes me feel better about things. the temptation to share is natural but i feel there's a beauty to keeping things quiet for awhile. i'd still feel silly telling anyone about him despite how much has changed in this last 5-6 days. i'd rather just surprise everyone at this point when something major happens and like were in a relationship or something.i just can't get over how much he has changed. it's like as soon as i came out with things last week,it cleared up soo much confusion for him and made him understand and see things differently and the more his confusion cleared up,the more mine did,too. it's been a very mutual clarification and ever since we just seem very united and like we get each other now.
-being a woman. it may have it's hardships but it's fun
-masculine energy

[buttercup]

not my day. highly emotional all day,very hurt by D and not trusting him and having internet glitches and heat not working.
-that i'm not that cold since the heat not working
-that D texted
-that i didn't respond to D's text. i'm getting better at ignoring
-expressing myself and not caring on my blog,my crazy and my internal struggles
-protein drinks
-crying and letting it out
-feeling better about one picture of myself and liking how cleavage looks
-my hair and how great it looks,how long and thick it is
-over the knee socks to keep warm
-allowing myself to feel vulnerable on my blog. it's unlike me to be quite so vulnerable but it's a phase i'm going through and feels needed and cleansing
-being feminine
-my interests
-strong knowing out of nowwhere today and last night that something major is going to happen before this week is over and that life will be very different before january
-business partner saying boyfriend when i told her that by the time she is back from the holidays my life will be very different but i dont know how or what though..i dont know where she would get that from..i've been keeping D a secret and am not speaking to him now. maybe she suspects we had worked things out but i told her im not even talking to anyone and don't see how that could possibly happen.
-the determination and craziness i felt in my despair for something to happen. as down as i felt it felt good
-going for a short drive just now
-wanting to just cry it out. sometimes you just need to. i'm trying to release it more because i want to cry and feel those feelings but tears not coming out as easy as i want
-face moisturizer
-deciding today to choose career over love.
-free bottle of wine
-getting more work done from being in so much pain
-best friend saying i have so many internal struggles he doesn't know how i do it. it was interesting. why do i have so many inner struggles. it's like i'm meant to have a lot of emotional turmoil in my life
-being strong so far in letting D go. it's for the best. if i can just cry it out tonight,it'll make releasing him even easier and be easier to be stronger.i have wine so am hoping a glass of wine will help with that. just one glass so i don't get drunk and accidentally text him. we've had so much drama by now it just isn't right. doomed before it starts.
-the positive,romantic-y feelings i had last night. it's gone now and i'm in a new direction but it was nice while it lasted.
-a nice warm bath i will have tonight to relax
-a meetup i can go to this weekend in a neighborhood i like at a place i wanted to go to before

[buttercup]

-last night at the end finding the little positive little by little and raising up the emotional guidance scale clearing my perceptions of things,healing them a little and feeling better. thank god,i felt like i wanted to die yesterday.
-deciding to text D because a friend kept saying things driving me crazy and making me think i don't want to lose him and feeling turned on by D so i did
-making my first fake check in last night so it would look less odd that i texted D at that hour and he'd assume it was because i was out.
-deciding to then text D telling him how i feel and communicate that
-grape juice
-feeling spoiled today with people feeling bad for me when i dropped the pie i made and getting a heater brought to me when my heat was broke and no one came to fix it and getting a gas station apple pie brought to me since my pie fell.i didn't need the heater or the other pie. but i'm thankful for it.
-my cleavage
-feeling soft,feminine,and for some weird reason since last night,very maternal which has been weirding me out
-craving surrendering
-opening myself up more to my sexual desires and feeling sexy
-a vegan thanksgiving meal
-soft,sweet love music
-D deciding to text me a pic of him and his family at thanksgiving today for some reason after being short with me when i told him how i feel and not getting the hint
-positive tarot readings,though i should really cut out reading them
-a meetup i can go to this weekend,or meetup with D. i'm conflicted still.
-being tan
-my desires
-dreaming more
-memories
-feelings and letting myself cry
-meditation
-solutions
-taking it easy today
-feeling better today despite how emotional i felt,and a little crazy,it felt better then yesterday's feeling of wanting to die
-blogging
-for some reason D telling me today he's thankful he got to know me this way.i think he's just taking the whole thanksgiving thing a little too seriously
-rest and laying down
-my childish side
-the quiet
-makeup
-my hair being done and styled
-having two skinny days in a row
-beauty
-feeling peaceful somehow now all of a sudden

[buttercup]

-sleep
-heat getting fixed this morning
-peppermint mocha latte today
-posting a new pic on instagram,getting more comfortable expressing myself
-exploring
-after being catty with D yesterday all day and night,then finally calming down and being more normal i decided to text him before bed telling we meet this weekend or we don't meet at all and this is his last chance and he can pick the day.at first he just responded literally with only ok which was very odd response from him he's never been that way then few hours later asking if i have plans set for this weekend to which isay i do and asking him why and getting more catty with him and him suggesting a different day then what i thought we originally said as an option last week but that could be because i had told him i had something that day and maybe me giving him options that were different then last time made that better for him. he claimed his brother came into town for a surprise visit but we could still do the day we had said or the other day. i sense he may be lying,idk but i said we can just do the new day and i said he seems to have a resistance and he claiming he doesn't think he's nervous and i told him he can pick the place and he suggested a half way point which i found really thoughtful since way back when we first started talking,i suggested that so it shows he is paying more attention to me then he lets on and also shows he isn't trying to necessarily get me into bed with him since a lot of guys try to pick places right in their neighborhood so it's easy after meeting to get you to go back to their place.
-finally deciding to tell best friend i've still been talking to D and telling him most of what's gone on and how much has changed since the last a little over a week. it felt good to let it out verbally and helped me get perspective. i seen how it makes sense that D is legit and means what he has said to me coming out with his feelings and after our fight on sunday morning he felt embarrassed and awkward from that one thing and so probably was slightly unsure if we would still meet up this week. then,when i ignored his text on wed evening from being mad at him,that may have been him planning to update me about our plans for this week,maybe late of him to do but he did contact me that day i just got mad and feeling worry that i ignored him until the middle of the night wednesday and early am where i let it all out. from there he had said he had hoped for saturday but i was catty all day telling him were never going to end up meeting to finally before bed telling him we better this weekend to which he gets weird on me after i suggested either saturday or sunday. maybe he was weird because i suggested a different day then original so was mirroring me,maybe also me suggesting sunday made him see that works better for me and i told him i had plans but could cut them if we meet so maybe that is why he said sunday(i do have a feeling he works saturdays,too so maybe sunday literally is just one of his better days) but laying it all out to best friend made me see to calm down,it's only natural we were slightly awkward after fight and that i'd be nervous after all these two months and that there was some communication signals that could've made D act the way he did. so,i'm trying to trust. Best friend says it sounds like D IS nervous to meet me and is just lying when he said he doesn't think he is nervous because if he's been nervous this whole time supposedly it'd only make sense he would be nervous now a little. Best friend says he probably is just trying to be confident like he said he wants to be for me and that he thinks D meant all that he said and that I do make him really nervous.
-knowing i have healing resources available to me to boost my happiness set point
-seeing all these guys who clearly are lurking my blog regularly based on the silly things they say to me. it makes me laugh how obvious it they're reading all about me and studying me
-feeling pretty today
-having another skinny day today.i don't know why but my jeans feel looser and my stomach looks flatter and my body just feels sexier.i don't know what i'm doing. i ate a full meal yesterday,skipped protein drink,didn't drink much water,and only did half hour of yoga but it shows me happiness and feeling sexy affects your mindset enabling your body to go to it's ideal
-quantum physics
-my interests
-my hair
-resourcefulness
-becoming better at expressing myself and feelings.i kinda like it. it's actually very unlike me to express to guys how i feel and althought i sound like a clingy,insecure girlfriend,it's actually in ways helping me because usually i suffer internally waiting for guys to do what i want and make things happen and express things. maybe this is part of the soul reasons D is here. idk. all i know is i want more then some eerie digital relationship. i think this weekend should go through though.i'm trusting him. i don't think i have a reason to not trust him. talking it out with best friend just made things so clear and seeing how D and i kept getting crossed. that facebook thing literally pissed him off back when ideleted him and after that fight in october,we made up but he thought i wasn't interested because he seen ideleted him from facebook. so he got distant and weird and showed signs he was upset and stopped flirting but kept texting just acting very detached though and like he was looking for things to say then boom after my vengeance plan with those texts and him not bending when i kept acting more and more demented to creep him out to get him to take a hint,he acted like he adored me even more and more. i then lay it all out telling him how he strings me along to which he finally comes clean,starts being normal and clingy to me,adding me to facebook right away and telling me how he really feels. there may be a lot of baggage to start with,but we need to at least meet to see what this is all about.
-having a good face day
-face moisturizer
-being able to get best friend to easily agree to rearrange some things for me so D and I plans can work out smoothly
-feeling ambitious and filled with desire and dreams
-my ideas on how i want to expand myself
-feeling a sense of deep peace last night after all the weird feelings yesterday and day before
-feeling an overall sense of peace today as well. maybe this really is the calm after the storm or the calm before the storm.i just feel like everything is ok and going to work out somehow,despite any little worries and insecurities
-ballet
-being a woman,being a girl
-dance
-wanting to get out there more and go to more parties
-music i love
-my ideas
-being an interesting person
-vegan orange cake
-water
-being young and the things i'm going through. the struggles and inner turmoil and conflicts of a girl in her 20's who wants love,peace,glamour,success,fun,and to feel as beautiful as those who see her as so
-sweaters
-fashion
-patience
-my femininity
-knowing no matter what,even if for some reason idon't like D after all this,at least i'll finally know and can feel soothed from having all this connection,and attachment to someone i've only ever known of through social media and talking
-living in the city
-understanding energy more and more. learning and observing it. if i've been as crazy and attached to D as i have been,and it's not like me to be so to someone i've never met especially,i literally even feel dizzy almost from it,i'm starting to feel like it's me tuning into his energy and how he feels for me. he hides these things and attempts to but things i know for sure he is include clingy,overthinks things,and high sexual energy. considering how highly claircognizant and empathic i am,and naturally in tune with others telepathically,i probably am driven as crazy by him as i am,at least partially because i'm being fed his feelings and energy towards me. also,the tarot cards pulled show he sees me as someone he idolizes,infatuation,and spying. back when he and i became distant for all those few weeks i kept getting tarot saying assessment which made me soo insecure now i know it meant unsure if i like him and assessing that. he was literally soo awkward i could not figure out what his deal was and it didn't even make sense that it was just stringing me along because i could feel he wanted to chat with me but couldn't think of a thing to say and would test me as if trying to tell me he's upset/uncertain. it always surprises me when a grown man can be insecure of little ol me,but it's true,men are big babies.
-my internet working well today
-my desktop therapist affirmations
-in fact,as much as i'm trying to back off the tarot,all this time messing with them has has me learn more about them and what they mean from things unfolding and looking back at them so that's kind of interesting
-giving up watching TV shows online again. my mind feels much more clear from it,and much more free time. :)
-physical exercise
-yoga
-thinking i may do some prepaving work for D and i meeting along with some mental planning(just a bit don't want to overthink it) about how i should be and details for the night.i want to seem calm,confident,detached,but open so he feels able to relax. i don't want to go into it bitchy because that will ruin my fun and why would i want to show him i'm unlikable so i need to let go of the grudges and i don't want to seem to friendly of course like i'm desperate and it's ok he is how he's been to me. i want to seem like a sexy friend who is meeting someone and just there to meet someone like no big deal. lol,random is cute how he says again he has no expectations those were the things i've repeated a month ago about telling him to have no expectations. he is so mirroring me and paying more attention then he lets on he. i think it's his virgo moon.

[buttercup]

-a lot of things back to normal. heat being fixed. youtube sound being fixed so i can listen to my music easily today
-being so spoiled i actually feel kind of bad.i had all these considerate messages and emails and pies brought to me,offered to be brought to me,and offered to be made for me.
-physical exercise and how good it makes me feel and look
-water
-going groceries shopping today
-sweaters
-getting laundry done today
-getting a peppermint mocha latte today
-sportbras
-my skintone being darker and how good it makes me feel and look, the mindset boost from the light as well
-finding out i'll get peppermint oil bought for me which is great i wanted that for my throat chakra
-colors
-moods and inspirations
-vegetables
-being complimented all the time
-some very disturbing stuff happened last night with D. I wonder if it's a sign because i asked the universe for one. I all of a sudden had it hit me that D is doing something creepy to spy on me. it made me feel very uncomfortable and violated. so,i did something which ended up being a test,too that affirmed he is.i posted on my blog saying feeling really creeped out and minutes later,he texts me. it's random for him to do RIGHT after i posted that,like ten minutes later and then not only that but he said if i want to chat about anything,i have his full attention. he never says anything like that..i don't post links to new posts or anything to my blog. I'm aware people find it and read it but i thought they go to it,i found out he is literally getting notifications sent to his phone privately every time i post. :( I didn't know that people could even do that. I then gave in talking to him more saying why does he does he seem ok after all the dark stuff i revealed to him and stuff about my past and he is normal at first saying he's not a judgmental person but then says he likes my dark side.i should be flattered about that,i guess. but there's more and also the dark side he is referring to is me telling him i've been raped before and the demented rape and abuse text i sent when i was mad at him back before as part of my plan to creep him out. he then starts complimenting me more and i tell him he makes me nervous and he then starts saying my name and sexual things to me. he ignores what i say and he keeps asking me what do i think of this good or no(sexual things) getting me to reply to him and repeating himself. he keeps ignoring me as i try talking about things with him and sounds weird and his texts become sloppier and it's become pretty obvious he is masturbating to me again. it's pretty creepy. also,that it happened during personal omen number timings for me. he is masturbating to me constantly and is keeping major tabs on me. it's like he is literally obsessed with me. i'm worried he may even have a sex addiction. in the morning,he ignored some of my texts not answering them for some reason which made me kind of distant then started acting friendlier and told me where we were meeting tomorrow. so,i'm grateful for that. it seems it is actually going through. maybe he was really drunk and realized he was crossing a line and didn't want to talk about it.i also noticed he is changing his personality to try and be what he thinks i like and possibly getting into interests i like and studying them and not posting social media things i don't like(for example feminism). maybe im reading too much into that,but i've suspected he is manipulating his social media since the beginning to gauge reactions from me and now lately to conform to make me like him. today,was more normal at first but then i said something making a joke i shouldn't have and he said something really offensive which pissed me off and we got into a fight again. he said it was a joke and obviously he wouldn't want that what guy would want that and for some reason i revealed more about myself thinking maybe he'd have some empathy and he seemed to not get it and said the most offensive thing ever again that was extremely insensitive and i called him a f----- a------ . before that in the fight he was saying he doesn't like how much i don't trust his word on things and that he doesn't like how much i talk s--- about him.in hindsight,that wording even makes me paranoid.i had assumed he meant how i say things to him but now i worry he meant something else like from spying on me somehow. by the end of that he said he understands now and we seemed ok and he was telling me his plans and sent me a pic of the train he was about get on. he then got weird again trying to find out what i was doing today then again trying to find out what i was doing tonight and when i said plans he said he figured that but what plans. obviously this came from the whole me saying saturday or sunday text for our plans back when i was worried he'd not go through with our plans saturday and said we better meet up this weekend and he then chose sunday because of how i worded it saying i have a thing saturday but can cut it and sunday i have errands but can rearrange. so he clearly wanted to make sure i wasn't going on a date.i then asked him to leave me a voicemail later telling me how the christmas market he was going to with his family goes and he said he will. so,there we go. he's clearly got some issues but at least we are definitely on board to meet. on one hand,i kind of like the darkness of whatever is going on with us it seems it can make for an interesting relationship but on the other he makes me nervous and repulses me. i feel i'm attracting a dark relationship in my life from him.i also revealed last night when D was being majorly creepy that i don't want him to forget me ever no matter what happens. i was feeling vulnerable about other things with friends. i shouldn't have said that,though.
-feeling kind of annoyed and down after seeing friends from early this year clearly have moved on from me and not including me or making effort anymore and deciding to feel inspired from it and it's time to reemerge and make new friends. i'm really inspired by newness lately and wanting new people who are in alignment with the new me. i can do better then them anyways. they were kind of dorks.
-feeling very feminine and seeing what it attracts to me by being this way. i seem to manifest easier and am in a better place of receiving this way.
-finding things cute
-a new follower on instagram today from a very cute animal
-beauty
-inspiration
-looking forward to the month of december and how it will unfold. taking a break from personal blog,focusing on other things,career,the things i want to try,etc the free space in my mind and how ambitious and forward moving i feel right in time for the month
-my hair and how long it looks and attractive
-clothes still fitting kind of loose on me
-appetite shrinking ever since D and I have gotten closer this last week and half or whatever it is. we fight constantly,he creeps me out,but still we have seemed to have stayed close since things got clarified with us.
-veganism
-holistic wellness
-my desires and things i want to do
-my creativity

[CFTraveler]

I'm grateful for my life, just as it is.

[buttercup]

-finally met D after allllll this time. it went through. i appreciate that. he was much different then i expected. more normal.i thought he might be a creepy,dark guy who is kind of nerdish and shorter then i thought. he was actually taller then i thought. he may even be taller then me without heels which is super surprising. he also is pretty open about some things,in true sagittarian style,whether you like it or not. he was open about the fact that he has dated other girls for example and even completely stared at my face and studied it as he told me he was on a date last week. it was super super weird how he did that. it made me feel very naked as he stared at my face super super intently as he told me that like he was really concerned how i would react and wanted to study that. i also realized some of his offensive comments he would say in texts really are harmless he is just the kind of guy who says stupid things not thinking anything of it like in a dirty joke kind of way so seeing that made me feel like,look he's not a cruel,unsympathetic person he is just literally not meaning harm..in true sagittarian style. funny how much he seems sagiattrius in person. i also realized he's just the kind of guy who is going to do what works for him and he doesn't care what people think but it's not an intent to be harmful for example multi dating.i also realized even though he's multi dated,he's actually is a respectful person and doesn't mean he is bedding them and literally is doing it just to hang out with people and he didn't even try to get me to go home with him! which is very rare for me when i go on a date with a guy and i even hinted things implying i've had sex on a first date. he was sick,though. i felt bad he came out even though sick,i told him we could reschedule but he still came out and had tooken tons of medicine.i also told him i went on a date in october,he actually asked! and i implied i slept with the person.i just said i went back to their place after. he didn't seem phased at all.all in all,he actually seemed very classy and open. just the kind of guy who will say dirty things but never with harmful intent but just blunt,not thinking intent. he does seem forgetful but that is sagiattarian thing,too. the whole time in person,i wasnt sure i was feeling it. but,we did kiss and makeout. lol.i do like pda alot so it was nice to see he clearly doesn't mind it because we definitely made a scene. another sag thing,too. my sag ex was really into pda.the waiter made a joke saying he really likes me once during the night which was really funny. i didn't know we looked that much into each other,we must've looked something to even have a joke made. it surprised me because i wasn't sure if D liked me in person until hindsight(right now). within the first few minutes of getting there,he said i'm less intimidating in person and in my head i'm like what is that supposed to mean thinking he meant i'm less beautiful and pretty but i know now after relaxing that he meant how super shy and submissive i am because in texts i come off more bitchy and in photos i look more bitchy and fierce too but in person i'm really bad eye contact,very emotive face and very soft spoken,and shy body language. he was staring at me sooo much when ifirst got there and throughout the night like for up to 10 seconds in a row intervals,it made me feel so awkward. so clearly he finds me very attractive. he also did other typical signs he likes you things like asking what's on my shirt,touching my hands and legs alot,sitting really close to me. he admitted certain things to him are casual and what means something in his eyes and also claimed he hasnt done anything that has to do with our big fight back in october and that he wishes he would tell me what when i told him little bit of what i was saying he said he didn't but saying he wish he knew who i was talking about and when i said they're not in my facebook saying he wishes they were so he could find out who they were then to know exactly who i was talking about since i told him i couldn't say but i did give him some details.so assuming he's being honest,it made me feel better he outright said he hasn't asked out any other girls who do what i do for a living besides me or is even talking to any. he also said he noticed the facebook thing(me deleting him back then) with a tone of that being a big thing for him he didnt like and noticed when we were talking about our issues from the two months so that affirmed even more that was one of the things he didn't like that and it was what caused our downfall back then. he asked me again about my plans from last night so he seemed curious about that. overall,it was even more clarifying. he said he thought back then in the beginning he thought i was just humoring him when i said i'd go out with him back we first started chatting. he seemed to think i'm less difficult in person and more easygoing. he said we are both passionate. he wanted to end earlier then i expected but he was sick and he hailed me a cab which i thought was nice of him making sure i get home and he kissed me goodbye and told me to text him when i get home and i told him to text me too when he gets home and he texted me then said am i home yet before i even got home. so we chatted for a few minutes when i got home before he fell asleep. he said i was different from he expected too and that he liked it. during the date,he mentioned going out again and i made a joke saying yeah in two months(how long it took our first date)and he said no,let's go out this week. he also said he wished we had had our date back in october instead of waiting all this time.i told him more things then i expected.i don't know he brings out an openness in me. he is really nonjudgemental(love that about sags).he complimented me several times. one thing that surprised me which i enjoy is we actually connected a bit on a mental level..i had felt before meeting this was going to be more of a physical/lust connection but in fact,we had some good mental clicking going on that i did NOT expect,it kind of was attractive. he said several times when i said i'm not a feminist and explained my views,he said yes you are,you are so a feminist.i actually liked that,that he was calling me out several times saying based on my views i am a feminist. i know he's into the feminist thing but i don't like the label but idk,it was just kind of cool having a intellectually stimulating conversation.we even had a discussion get passionate when i told him work things with one job about how i get looked over if i don't flirt and downplay my accomplishments and accept party invites and he told me that's bull----- and that i should not change who i am or downplay my accomplishments,etc,etc getting passionate about it.i liked it,the mental connection was attractive to me. i liked his freckles too. lol. he looks more irish in person. so,yeah,overall,the whole time i felt unsure of him while meeting,but in hindsight,i think i like him still. he's just more normal and healthy seeming then i expected this whole time. and before meeting,this whole time i was unsure but felt a connection but was so insecure what else he is doing and how genuine he is but now meeting in person i know more what to think and expect,what to stop assuming about,etc. i don't know what will happen next.i just feel a release.i had thought of him as an energy sucker this whole time and a doomed to never meet connection. he definitely seemed to like me a lot. he was actually 15 minutes early and i was about twenty minutes late but all good.i don't know how 100% trustworthy is. he said the name of his last ex who's name doesn't match up at all to what his facebook said which is kind of weird....but maybe that wasn't her real name or something. also,when he said he went on a date last week,he said it was a girl who invited him to a concert and i remember seeing him post about that concert he mentioned tonight
on social check in site and that was the same night when we were better after getting clarified and he started sending me those weird texts so he was sending me texts saying kiss kiss the same night as that..makes me wonder if it wasn't that great of a date he was on to do that.i realize also it's so pointless trying to assume about him because i've been wrong so many times and that who knows when he was with someone.i don't know what ithink of him so i'm going to proceed slowly. it's such a trip though how different he is now after meeting.
-all going well with getting cabs tonight
-that i didn't have sex tonight.i thought that might happen..i even had a bad dream in the morning that would make it lean towards that but no sex and i think that is better we didnt
-getting what i want
-chips
-food
-that i did something forward moving with my life today
-that i can go to sleep soon
-tarot readings..they've actually been pretty darn accurate actually..
-the body oil i bought from the store the other day and how amazing it's made my body feel. very sexy and super smooth
-that D is reliable in his way. he did leave me that vm this morning,too.
-my black mini skirt
-lessons in relaxing and seeing how i misinterpret things
-someone to talk to.i dont know what will happen with D but it's nice to have someone new to talk to
-my skin being darker now it makes me feel more confident about my body and my face looking more attractive
-my michael kors purse
-that D even suggested talking on the phone saying even for one minute just to pick up the phonewould probably clear up a lot of miscommunications we have in texts
-makeup and makeup looking better on me now with tanner skin
-being able to relax
-just that today happened. it's weird. a chapter actually really did end. idk how i feel about it. i rushed and rushed wanting to meet D after all this and now i realize it won't ever be the same. the first two months was us chatting and never meeting and as annoying and confusing as it was,it had it's enjoyment and pleasure,it's innocence,it's secrecy,it's sacredness,a certain sort of newness and something to be tucked away and enjoyed. and now,that's been unwrapped and exposed into a new layer and we can never go back to that again.i didn't think i'd miss that. but the D i met and the D i have been talking to are definitely in ways two different D's and you can't go back to the first D now. the mystery and wonder of who is he. it's so weird how life works,i didn't think just texting could mean something,that it could be a whole chapter upon itself but it was. i'm a bit sad to never have that again.so funny how i always say i want to savor more and not rush things because it passes so quick things you will then look back on as beautiful but then before you know it you know it you did rush and never savored enough.
-my phone

[buttercup]

-love songs
-chips
-the abundance of vegan food options
-water
-how healthy my vegan diet makes me.i made out with a guy who was super sick and i'm still just as healthy and feeling physically great.i feel like i have a superpower.
-not being sure of D and telling business partner finally we had been chatting and finally met and telling her story. deciding D and i just are too incompatible and something is missing but after telling best friend this that i always just know and have doubts and doubts isn't knowing and i cant help how i feel i wish i could feel differently and best friend telling me(we used to be in a relationship that lasted years) that didn't i say the same thing about him when we first met. him saying that made my jaw drop because he is right. it made me mad because i already felt flickers of D being meant to be someone significant for me in some way and in some ways reminding me of past lovers yet i don't feel compatible with him and he always pushes my buttons and says awful things. as soon as best friend said that i replied to him don't say that and then felt like is this a sign,him saying that? it makes me mad. maybe in life not all first dates are meant to be perfect and love at first sight type feelings. maybe sometimes some connections are meant to be practical. i just honestly dont know if i'm feeling it or 100% attracted to him. the multi dating thing turned me off and even as he stared at me super intently like he was studying my expression as he told me he was on a date last week made me uncomfortable.i still feel a little insecure maybe he thinks i'm not as attractive in person.i kissed him yes and i don't kiss if i'm not attracted so some attraction was there but i was buzzed. plus,he's a hipster and i'm not into the hipster thing at all.meeting has just made a lot of things seem pointless now. but then why did i have the dream i did the morning of our date and weird dreams last night?
-sales. yay for discounts
-a new month
-taking a month off from blogging. it's tempting to blog right now with all that's gone on but that's why it's even better my month off starts now.i can use that for journaling instead,healing,and focusing on other social media outlets for expression.
-my desires
-how thin my upper body looks
-body oil gel and face moisturizers and how great they make me look and feel
-sweaters
-feeling normal today and new somehow. i don't know why but i woke up feeling in a new chapter and feeling ok.
-spirituality
-that D clearly pays some attention to me even though he is forgetful and acts like he doesn't such as noting my interest in spirituality
-my body being sore from recent workouts. love it.

[buttercup]

ugh,idk what happened but what a day.i ended up having a freakout about my appearance after taking some pics and feeling really really insecure and then right after from my anger ended up feeling slightly sniffly and slightly sore throat but i did burn my mouth from eating too hot of soup so hoping it's that.i started questioning everything like maybe i looked chubby when i met D and am not as attractive as i think all these years and maybe i've gained weight,etc,etc.i felt so ugly and was reanalyzing things from our date and couldn't even remember right maybe some perceptions more positive then i thought. i felt so embarrassed like oh my god i let myself go and he met me and didn't think i was as beautiful as he expected and so now i can't see him again and must lose weight. from that feeling came strong ambition,decisiveness to change,and detachment from him. though,really i've been pretty detached from him all day actually.
-i appreciate my inner ambition and certainty to drop 10 pounds within the next 2 weeks or however quick i can.
-earlier in the day before that,deciding while at the salon to start getting more regimented with my workouts as that seems to be a missing ingredient for me that will really work for me,for example,from now on tuesdays,thurs,sat will be abs days for toning
-going tanning today
-my skin looking darker
-that i haven't texted D telling him this isnt going to work out,blah,blah,blah because it's not necessary and is rude,and just looking for drama painting him out to be the bad guy like i'm trying to tell him i'm not happy,fix it,you must be punished because i'm not happy. no. while i may be unsure we click,he does seem like a genuinely caring person and nice guy from what i know and is a person with feelings. what is better to do,is to be normal and polite and let myself sort of my feelings and when the topic comes up,i'll let him know what i think based on how i feel by then.he texted me today. it was minimal. my hindsight has been interesting. it's allowed me to see i may have said some things he may have felt insecure by on date. and that he does mirror me a lot. to the point where i do wonder what is really him. i cant even remember straight but i was wondering if he said that comment i'm not as intimidating in person after i said he seems more normal in person....and if i said that first how did he take that? did he take it rudely? and,why did i say that? i'm really starting to wonder if i did say that first. just piecing together how things came together. because he mimiced many other things that night.i called him a hipster then he called me one.i nibbled his ear,then he nibbled mine,etc,etc. and i think i did sense nervousness if i look really closely enough so maybe it's just a matter of two people who in nerves weren't perfect. plus,he was sick.i cant even imagine how i'd come off if i was sick but i'd be much less myself,and way less perfect. in text throughout this time he seemed so into me then in person seemed more aloof and i had worried he thought i was less attractive but he was sick and he's seen my unflattering facebook pics and various types of pics to have had a good idea of my looks. me and him seem to suffer so much from misinterpreting one another.i am almost positive i said he is more normal in person first.
-towels
-peppermint oil
-hot tea
-coffee
-water
-having a place to live
-working things out with business partner and discussing work things some more and more of what i feel in my heart about things
-makeup
-that i get to go to sleep soon
-carrots and how delicious they are and good for you
-mainstream people speaking for animal rights
-feeling determined
-quietness and breaks
-not being haste
-sale being extended and picking up a few items
-appreciation and inspiration
-getting some things done today
-colors
-holistic wellness
-animal rights issues seeming to be spreading
-getting perspective on several things really
-tarot cards
-comfort
-my ambition
-cuddly feelings
-understanding and empathy. back on the D issue,he also seems to come from a world of online dating which i do not,and alters his views and ways compared to mine and he may not be the most suave guy,which is also shows his nervousness
-other girls doing my job older and older now which gives me faith i still have time to accomplish more and makes me feel better about my age.
-motivation
-how good my stomach feels when iwork it out
-physical exercise

[buttercup]

-protein shake for dinner
-echinecea tea. had four cups so far. soothing to my not feeling well
-feeling cozy,peaceful thoughts while being under the weather
-telling D that i have to be myself and am not going to multi date that and that i'm a feelings person and life should be magic even with the downsides,etc,etc.i didn't do this for him or a reaction but just to be myself.i didn't expect a amazing result or anything but felt confident when i said it and free.
-feeling pretty detached towards D yet neutral towards him too.
-inspiring videos i watched after texting D that made me feel really good and motivated and one was even very serendipitious as it was about and titled life is secretly magical which made me feel like the universe was telling me good job on my decison and i'm right don't give up on magic.
-still doing my exercising despite not feeling well
-not feeling well still feels more mild and bearable compared to when i used to not feel well
-the nice nap i took
-somehow even got some work done today,too
-tarot readings
-being pretty
-clarification about D things that came to my mind last night that have made me feel better about things
-feeling like i don't even have to date D right now and can come back to him years later maybe when we've both grown as people and evolved and the time is different. once a connection is iniated,the wonderful thing is,you can never go back. true,it's not like a sex connection where things can never really go back,but still. we were strangers and after all this time,we know each other. maybe life will have us come back to each other next year or something and we'll already get each other.
-lipbalm
-dreams
-that i didn't cheat on my diet today,though i was tempted
-feeling proud and happy with work,2nd career
-some positive energy going today
-relaxation and quiet
-that i'm a unique and authentic person.i may be weird,i may not have a lot of friends,but through the years i've always left a strong impression on people and tend to inspire them
-all my interests and talents and ideas
-souls who really resonate with me
-feeling warmth towards D despite what he's done and that i even suspect he lies to me a lot. almost everytime we chat,i feel like this has happened before.

[buttercup]

-feeling totally positive vibes right now and like it's all going to be fine. lucky december. :)
-deciding last night and this morning what i'll say to D for sure and when about how were incompatible and that multidating is an excuse to be player and you can't have that great of interest,etc,etc. i wrote a bunch of notes on it. lol.im just waiting for him to invite me out and then ill say it in response.i actually googled and hearing stranger's opinions online about multidating affirmed even more for me that it very much is an insult to my soul.i feel fooled and like D is a fake acting so relationship like to me all this time then to tell me that on our date and like i wasted my time. since i take this as an insult as well,i've been inspired to become better in many ways so he'll see what he lost out on lookswise,success,etc. just knowing all this time all the declaring how he feels about me and compliments and vile texts and personal things he's shared and pics through his day knowing he's could've very well done that to others is very very fake to me. i mean,the day he had went on that date he told me about was same day he told me he likes me and is being as clear to me as he can and sent me a pic of himself on the way there,and told me kiss kiss and that he wants to kiss me someday,etc,etc to find out that's the same day night he was on that date he was like that to me shows his character
-despite being sick getting a lot done today and yesterday and starting to do lists today. i feel that is another key to me being better so i wrote out all the actions and things in my control i can do that will make me happier or better right now this month.
-getting work done today
-p.r asking me to do a favor and feeling inspired from it and also after doing work realizing how excited i am to do this and what a big person this is to interview and that i'm ready to do events like this again and that i'm so ready to be back at it
-obsessing over a pic that was old and deciding to just go ahead and delete it since i couldn't move on of feeling insecure about it and that i can always reupload in a random pics album later on or post it instagram my new way to curate moments from life and also being inspired from this realizing i want more pics with people and more pics in general in my life to be taken and that i'm going to do that now
-vacuuming and cleaning my apartment and feeling better from that and the more cleaning i will do later tonight
-contacting my crush A. been wanting to ask him something for awhile and with wanting to move from here sometime soon and feeling insulted and inspired by D i just did it. and he responded quickly and very responsively. he's sick,too. :) A makes me feel good.i took the action as an inspired action and felt casual and fearless as i did it. my plan is to build up chatting with him and then ask him.i want to see him as just a person not someone who makes me nervous. I always felt is D even good enough for me and i notice i always end up resenting guys i feel better then and today business partner also said D isn't good enough for me.i rather gravitate towards people who are high vibration. someone like A,even if he doesn't have romantic interest in me,is someone i just want to in his realm that's how much i adore him.
-echinacea tea
-hot soup which helped me sinuses
-clean towels
-feeling like dancing today
-being pretty
-upbeat dance music
-the opportunities life gives me
-that i'm always the kind of person who uses my pain as fuel
-opening myself up a little to what life can offer me
-business partner texting me a lot today before i even woke up. i had slept in extra late from being sick.made me feel kinda nice to be wanted and that she had all these ideas.
-making apple pie that i can use for breakfast for the next days
-trying to be a little more normal today
-beauty transformation ideas
-how productive i can be when i focus and am in the get things done mood. i get so much done and so quick.and realizing i can get so much more done and that i just don't manage my time well and really do slack off a lot.
-moisturizers for lips. they get so dry when not feeling well.
-how great work project looks and how high end and legit we look

[buttercup]

-not pregnant! after early period again,finally took a test and am not pregnant. it's just the drama from D. same thing happened years ago with a guy i dated,but hadn't yet slept with i'd get my time of the month super early.
-waking up feeling almost 100%. was worried since i went to bed feeling worse but sore throat is gone and only a little congested. feeling great.
-masculine energy
-taking riskes
-not regretting that i contacted A at all
-looking in the mirror and being surprised at how my abs looked. they have definition lines. my new plan is the right plan and is working. highlight of my day. made me feel so good.
-coffee. so good. :)
-hot soup and how delicious it feels when it clears your sinuses
-healing sleep and lots of lucid dreams
-how amazing i'm becoming
-that i'm well enough to meditate again
-falling asleep in an adventurous mood to start living my life as an adventure and start taking risks and breaking more rules and living in a nothing to lose mindset after all i've had been through this year. it's amazing how much D inspires me even though he and i didn't work out. he said he asked me out because he had nothing to lose and ever since he told me that,i've had those words in my head.
-living my life with my pain and stories allowing me to live deeply and more fearlessly
-memories and perfect life moments
-feeling intense pleasant feelings
-feeling like it was spring time today
-living life like it's a poem
-that best friend got 6 classes dropped from one neighborhood so now he can start teaching at better ones
-fitness
-feeling good
-toning exercises and following a plan now that is mostly toning
-changing my perceptions in ways that better me
-feeling optimistic
-appreciation for others even when they let me down and still seeing them as great

[buttercup]

-finding a free copy of forks over knives to watch. i appreciate some intellectual stimulation
-D texting me today.i had a feeling he would. it bothers me in that in some moments i feel warmth towards him and even find myself still considering him despite how fake he's been to me and what he's revealed.i think part of me just likes that after all the drama he's been given by me to still stick around and the fact that he is someone who for the first time in a long time could actually be someone who would actually get in a real official relationship with me just kind of makes me wonder. but,for all i know maybe he just wants sex from me.i really cannot know anymore after how much he's fooled me and all his lies. he posted a pic tonight on his facebook and looked attractive in it and i seen a girl i know comment on one his posts and it just reminded me again of how nice it would be to have a facebook official relationship with someone and for all our mutual facebook friends to see which is stupid,but would be something that would make me happy. if i were to let him date others,while i don't because i have no interest in anyone,i'd end up resenting him later and feeling like he has all the power. it's insulting that after meeting me,he would still want to date others. and it's insulting that while on a date,he was sending me all those texts the other week.i am attracted to him but he creeps me out and we are such opposites in every way. the only thing for me to do right now is not focus on him and focus on me and my happiness and stay detached.i still haven't told him were incompatible because it hasn't come up and it's his birthday weekend. part of me would just love for him to send me a message that would make it all better,and make it all ok somehow for me to consider seeing him again but what could he possibly say. all this time it seemed like we acted like a couple with how he talked to me and how we were and now we both seem happy and detached from the other as if were just friends. life is so weird.it just feels like he has all the power now and it's so weird. he just seems so detached.
-almond milk
-plant based diet
-focusing on becoming better and better in every way
-water
-physical exercise and the pounds i am dropping
-the definition my abs is getting
-toning work and how quick it makes me lose weight
-beautiful purple roses
-new hair color for my hair to make me look younger and more attractive
-sweet,thoughtful comments from best friend that show how pure his soul is
-getting all that work done last night and how inspired and into the research i was
-healing sleep
-getting groceries for the week today
-new things to try
-being smart
-how much fitter and sexier my body is getting
-how determined i am
-mobile photo editing apps
-protein water
-my ideas
-my interests
-my desires
-getting what i want
-my accomplishments
-my ambition
-working on myself and improving myself
-positive intentions
-how amazing i am
-that when i fall or don't do as well i always rise back up better and others looking at me in amazement and how much i've improved
-hope
-big things that are coming
-souls that really resonate with me
-that i'm a winner
-my motivation and pep.i should seriously be a cheerleader and lifecoach
-my beauty
-how long my hair is
-feeling smug about something at the grocery store that happened that made me feel really really good about myself in every way
-the people i know
-dim lighting

[buttercup]

-a nice warm shower
-water
-breakfast
-not being frivolous today
-an amazing idea coming to me upon waking up that has me feeling alive and best friend agreed to it,talked it out with me and it seems to be in the works! super inspired
-feeling determined
-friend i've been faded out with inviting me to their birthday party
-my abs being tighter and more defined
-another friend flirting with me
-articles online that also think tinder is awful,and that i know guys who aren't on it,and they all happen to be the more attractive types
-music. great music. upbeat music that keeps me determined and want to dance and get things done
-fitness and exercise
-my motivation and pep. i feel like a cheerleader and lifecoach
-all my ideas
-how young my face looks today and soft,and appreciating the tired,but feminine and young look of my face today when i had first woken up
-how long my hair is
-being pretty
-how much my looks are improving right now
-positive thoughts,positive feelings,positive actions
-how amazingly dynamite and successful this next year will be. i'm pouring all my pain into my desires deeper then i ever have before and am starting now and have been planting those seeds since november
-having a place to live
-possibility
-opportunity
-that i make my pain mean something and fuel me
-feelings
-utilizing to-do lists now
-nothing to lose and other powerful mantras
-healing sleep
-honoring death
-being young still and that age is really just a mindset
-having a young life and young way of being
-physical attractiveness in others
-knowing what makes me happy
-being a romantic and a dreamer
-transformation and that even though this year has been the most painful year of my life,it's transformed me definitely
-my crazy thoughts,they make me laugh sometimes. at least i'm not a boring person
-that i leave a strong impression on others
-that i am becoming more physically attractive
-letting myself cry and feel my feelings. being honest with my feeling in general. my regret,my feeling foolish,etc
-seeing others flaws as it helps me see i'm not as bad as i think and my perceptions just get skewed at times

[buttercup]

-being ok with mixed feelings. it just means there is attraction.
-that i have good taste in attractive men
-water
-mason jars
-my hair looking great today,and feeling so much healthier and gray strands peeking out being covered now
-feeling determined and motivated today
-beautiful colors
-purple roses
-beauty
-work opportunities
-the future
-my body getting so much tighter
-my motivation and pep
-the signs. there was two in one day,i observed and there was some before then. something is bubbling beneath the surface plus the tarot readings i got tower! :( the one card the scares me and felt strange today.i have no idea what it could be and kept being set it was bad but changed my tune and decided no,i won't be negative. i'm going to be so focused on work and improving myself,i cannot be negatively affected. the signs conflict with the tarot as the tarot seemed negative but the signs are typically good so either a good and bad will happen i'm guessing or maybe the bad is good. just trying to be hopeful. maybe change is in the air.i was saying that i think even before i got the tower.
-upbeat dance music
-my mom coming to visit me today and being able to talk about D and show her a video of him. everytime people say he looks like a psycho or a killer,it makes me want him more! :( she said he has crazy eyes. those are my favorite feature of his. but,it's ok. it just means i'm attracted.
-my mini notebook and writing out some of my ideas and to do lists. though,it made me realize i have a crazy amount of wants it almost overwhelms me. lol
-healing sleep
-breakfast
-new fashion ideas
-feeling like my face looks attractive today
-my abs getting in better condition.i so got this. my abs are getting better and better everyday,in every way and my dream abs are days away.
-my pants falling off of me today. good sign of improving body. lol. where will i even be able to shop. i'm already size small in mainstream labels.
-finding things i need
-how positive and determined i'm feeling
-that the me is back and ready to get into things again. so exciting.
-dancing
-the change my past meditations i did last night and how healing it is.i always have better days the next day when i do them. they heal my ocd so much.
-pictures
-how amazing i am becoming. looks,success,inner me,i am transforming so much this very moment.
-what i can create for myself. feeling strong in mind.i can do anything and happiness is the way to everything i want. i got this.i am healing past,present,and future.i am getting everything i f------- want! this week is going to be so damn amazing.i feel it. it's electrifying and it's only the start of so much more.

[buttercup]

what a day.
-last night,the tarot predictions manifested! my heart was broken and it turned out D lied about everything. even the one thing i had been holding onto as a well,maybe, later down the line we'll have another chanced. but after,investigating,realizing,i was wrong. he lied,yes. that hurt. but the thing made no sense.it's almost as if i shifted to another reality. and,the girl is in a relationship.and she's his good friend he went to high school with which also means she is older then me by about 6 years! there is pictures of him and his old girlfriend on her facebook page at their high school reunion a few years ago and her referencing him in old posts from years ago. she's an old pal of his! and in a relationship with a guy for a few years now. and,on the ego side of it,she's not that pretty just prettier then his other friends of his ive seen and it's nothing compared to me and what i've done,it's like would kate moss get insecure? no,she wouldn't even notice. and he had been liking her pics way before we even met i'm sure simply trying to be supportive and because he likes visual artistry as he himself has said in the past(they are all artsy makeup and dresses type pics) plus today,i seen he liked some random pic of a guy's in my facebook,too that's our mutual friend so it's not like anything weird. he has seemed to keep his word about the one thing i revealed to him when we met that had to do with our fight,too. if i would've gotten upset,and deleted him from facebook last night,that would've been so embarrassing because he may have assumed it was because of his friend and that the fight we had in october had to do with his friend which is most definitely did not and i had been hoping even though i didn't tell him exactly what it was,he had come to an assumption about it. i'm glad he never found out i got really upset last night. and,after thinking about it,i got really embarrassed i got so upset. i realized this stuff is happening for a reason to help me overcome something on a soul level. that all my friends would laugh,and have laughed at the things i've gotten insecure about because with how attractive i am,and what i've accomplished,something so small and nothing as this shouldn't even cause me to look. and,it's true. people of status equal to mine or higher don't ever get insecure or notice things i get paranoid about and are way more confident. and if i really am so attractive,i should feel it,and how insecure i was feeling last night made me feel ugly and exposed and insecure at the insecurities i've revealed to D. but,then i realized i explained to D some of my insecurities before so he knows it's not like i think so and so is better,and i said where it comes from and that luckily my freakout last night was in private and D never knew! i don't like that D lied but i don't think he meant to or had bad intentions if he did. by not freaking out and deleting him,i showed strength and that if he did that on purpose to test me,it shows confidence on my part. i'm really just trying to surrender to the experience because i feel all these buttons he pushes without meaning to is meant to accelerate my soul growth.i don't have to 100% trust him and i don't but i do need to get over stupid insecurities that make no sense especially for someone of my caliber. besides,that,it also inspired me to contact some people,get some crazy work done to propel my primary career even higher come the new year.i freaked out to several friends telling them me and D were done and that he lied about everything and there was no going back now. and i told one friend everyday i feel like i have something to prove to the world and that no one understands why,the things that prick me make no sense to them with all i've got going for me i'm the one person who doesn't need to feel that way. by the time,i surrendered to this whole experience,and felt stupid assuming so wrongly and seeing how obvious it was that this keeps popping up so i can heal an inner issue and that i feel ugly just by being insecure and that i hate how much i have revealed to D,he knows so much about me,more then some exes,well,i did text him before bed so he'd think all is normal. so,even though i wish last night didn't happen,i'm grateful i surrendered to it,realized the lesson in it,and seen how i assumed wrongly on some things.i feel more beautiful already just from that.
-today,i woke up groggy and didn't want to wake up yet but had to make it to the salon. i responded to D's texts all seemed normal and then he made a comment showing me yay,it's time i can give him my speech now. he said we should make out.so,i told him were incompatible. i literally had to walk out the door then,so while on the way to the salon,gave him the rest of my speech as i had remembered it,checking notes i had written too throughout the week. lol. i'm such a nerd. thankful to finally tell him all this! and,so cool is this:i checked my email and the cosmic ordering i did was due today! and,the order was,give me an excuse to give him my speech. that site is always super accurate when i make orders having to do with him. i appreciate this.
-i appreciate my tanning bed session and that for the first time,i closed the bed a little bit since i'm more comfortable now with it. it made the effect more intense. i was in such a good mood all day! and,as soon as i came out of the bed,i felt much more upbeat and like i took a happiness pill.
-all the laughter i had today. some guy asked me out again and after saying no,i sent him a pusheen cat in a helicopter. lol. so funny. and D texting me through the day saying he wants to explore possibilties with me and that he didn't get what he wants which is to get to know me and that he hasn't asked out a bunch of girls and still isn't and i said a funny comment and he said something it's true and i sent him a laughing text and was on the floor laughing he didn't get why i was so amused so i told him it's all good and that we can still keep in touch and maybe someday he can explore the possibilties of my body and you never know,right and he said haha sure. and then said he'd like to make plans with me and i told him he misunderstood my text and he said no he didn't and that he told me what he wants.i then ignored him and showed him a pic of my liquid diet for dinner. at this point,i think were talking and friendly. the best thing is,i don't care as much now. in some ways,maybe it's better this way. if a guy can put up with my craziness for this long,maybe it's exactly what i need. maybe him is exactly the thing to conquer what i usually do with guys which is push them away like crazy until they go away and he hasn't gone away yet.
-messaging A last night. during my freakout when i thought i'd never talk to D again. damn,that's twice in a row.im getting more comfortable talking to him on my own.i even just like the talking not hoping to see him. I had liked A so much that it's almost like it's too much for us to meet up but better to take it super super slow. at first,he responded i thought being rude thinking is he still mad at me for this year with how he responded. but,then he messaged back later and seemed nicer. i got positive tarots on the situation if that means anything.
-if nothing else,i can admit i'm attracted to D and he inspires me.
-getting more work done today and not being too bummed out that certain work thing for tomorrow seems to possibly be not happening now...trying to just really surrender. also,seeing how quick things get done when i'm happy and focused thus giving me even more free time! love it.
-a delicious raw vegan blueberry smoothie. tastes better then banana and such lovely color
-breakfast
-a lovely pasta dinner with carrots and bread. love carbs and vegetables
-the workouts i've done so far today,and the improvement in my abs. love it.and finding a third ab routine i will add to my diet.
-my primary job as a -----. it makes me amazing and incorporates so many things all into one making it a dream job,and most guy's dream girl
-how healthy my hair looks
-that things in life can change. if you feel fat one day,you can lose the fat and become better. nothing is static.
-being thin. being thin is one of the most important things,as long as you stay thin,and keep trying to be thinner,you will always be ok. it photographs better and looks more chic,young,and healthy
-feeling a little more connected to life. probably can credit the solar plexus work to that from all the ab work
-sleep. so good. really appreciate sleep lately
-a logo for new secret business that's really going to help my first primary job and it's so super cute and high end looking and can really bring in the money for me finally
-how amazing 2015 is going to be and all the seeds i've planted
-music
-a movie i wanted to watch being available for free on streaming. it was a really cute movie and reminded me of me and D actually. there was a really erotic scene i enjoyed too that reminded me of me and D where the main character is told to bend down and take off her bottom half of her clothes and she's in a position of ultimate submission and he's so turned on by her body and that she did it that he cant control how turned on he and starts touching himself to her. i didn't think i'd like the movie but it was pretty hilarious and actually very sweet,too.
-knowing how important positive keywords are. ever since i want to change my abs and am now saying i love doing my abs,i really do look forward to doing them,knowing how it's making my abs looks. to me,it's the equivalent of putting on makeup,except doing it more often and regimented then makeup. if you hate doing this or that,and say that to yourself,how do you expect to have the willpower to keep doing it?
-getting a lot of signs today for some reason.i have no idea what's going to happen.
-finding out a lot of vegan foods i want to try are actually at a store i used to shop at that i avoided since i lost someone close to me since it reminded me of her too much,but i am going to try and go back there again this week just for one trip. as long as it's not every week,i think it's ok
-how much my vegan diet has become more abundant over time. at first,i had no idea what i'd eat but was determined to do it to honor a loved one who died and to hopefully have an easier time trying to have an OBE and other spiritual experiences so i can try and visit her. i looked to it as a challenge to start a new diet from the ground up. and over time,the foods i eat,grew in variety more,and more,and continue to do so. though,i still get occasional cravings for pizza or cheese,to me it's as gross as eating meat now and i know the actual taste of it,will make me want to throw up if i tried to fulfill the craving.i did have this happen once,too. i never in my life thought i'd be vegan but it's brought me so much mind clarity,and fitness motivation to really change my body,and a reawakened interest in animal advocacy. so,that is something i really appreciate. i guess that is a big thing for this year for me.i underestimate it since it's just food,but it really is so much more.
-ah,i'm just in a really appreciative mood for some reason right now. maybe it's the fact that the year is closing so it's a time to reflect. it's been a dang hard year.but these last two months have had a lot of momentum.
-and,i'm really grateful for D. idk why. he's creepy. but,i feel genuine warmth towards him. it's odd. he asked me out in september. and it's been an interesting unfolding since then. it's hard to believe it's been that long. there was such an innocence back then.summer had just ended.i'm starting to feel like D thinks i'm the immature one now and i feel like he is the strong one. it's an annoying feeling to feel like a baby and like D is a man and has the control. for some time now,it's been like my inner child is screaming and resisting him,like go away,i'm not surrendering to you,i'm not giving in to you. and i can feel myself wanting to hide. but,then in person he acts completely aloof and like a dummy. i don't like him.

[buttercup]

not a perfect day some edginess but perhaps that was the polarity of the day being overall high vibration
-talking to D again alll day,possibly the most we've texted in a day.i don't know how this happened. maybe it's just the thrill of the chase,but i admitted to a friend i can't help it,i like him.i don't even remember what we talked about today but it seemed mostly normal,i think about us stuff.he said later he thinks i want him to like me so much that it tortures him to which i got offended thinking he thought i was conceited then he said he's just a tortured soul lately. the sweetest thing he said today was word play.i love word play. he said "i want you to want anything from me." lol super cute.it was after i told him i don't want anything from him. we talked all day,and it seemed in flow. he then implied he had a date but it was after i said i had plans.i told him how we'd make great friends and he said he doesn't like being friend zoned so he will just keep trying.i later then said to him have fun tonight,hope he gets laid and he replied the only possibility of that happening is if it's with me. lol. omg. what is happening? it sounds like were in a relationship?i didn't reply and was running late and then later as i walked in the door,minutes later,he texts me. it definitely was out of pattern for him. he doesn't text me at that hour on weekdays usually. like,was he checking on me? he asked how my night was. i said really fun and he seemed to mirror me with his response of how his time was,too. he does this a lot.he kept texting me a lot. quicker then normal and he's usually quick.he was calling me babe again and saying he misses me. lol.
-meditation
-my event today. yay. i didn't get my details until today and assumed it was off until i awoke and got three emails of details. it made me in a really good mood to get out there again and do things.it was fun being at the trendiest nightclub in my city and the honor i had of doing my job.it was a big opportunity. and seeing it went through and what i was amongst was really gratifying. it's awkward being in charge but so nice to be given opportunities like this. it makes me feel very good. and listening to amazing music and just being in a club again was so fun and also the nice people and that everything worked out.
-getting a picture for my instagram from event that checked off several pic ideas i had and all the likes i got.i was surprised by how many people liked the pic,and high end people,too. i have some things going for me to have a more high end instagram that's for sure.
-feeling prettier today. since i colored my hair,i changed my part to not be on the side and it looked good,and i changed my makeup slightly less heavy and just felt much prettier. my outfit worked. and i found old shoes never wore much to wear as new for the winter that's a style i was unsure of for me all these years but actually works very well on me. grateful for resourcefulness. new style for winter. grateful
-my sweet shyness. it makes me uniquely attractive and memorable
-tanning beds and how much they boost my mood
-inspiration and meeting cool people. the person i booked today had such a cool day job of being an art therapist to sexually abused children.i thought that was so amazing.
-kellogs protein cereal. so good.this cereal has really grown on me.
-almond milk
-high protein foods
-water and how much it boosts my mood
-midnight snacks
-being realistic if a day is too busy and my workout can't get fitted in fully.
-how curvy my backside is. it's kinda funny to me but my shape is so hourglass and working out and weight loss accentuates that. i got some backside. which is good,it'll make the men happy. lol
-my style
-black clothes and basics that can be repeated many times creating style efficiency
-nice pictures of me
-relaxation
-pronoia and changing my thoughts
-my pep,motivation,and determination
-living a sexy life
-feeling more free
-getting a ride from best friend and not caring what other people think. it's dangerous in the city lately for a woman and i'd rather be safe even at the cost of being judged as a princess or a player.
-my confidence with doing things most people would be too scared to do
-living a fashionable life

[buttercup]

-water
-feeling overall good today
-food
-getting coffee and pastries today
-d and i talking again a lot today. he creeps me out.i told a friend i'm calling it now that if he chops off my head or is abusive,she heard it now from me and i repeatedly was saying this.we talked a lot today though he seemed to have gotten jealous at something which makes two days in a row i sensed jealousy from him. he claimed he had a headache after i said something. maybe he did have a headache or maybe i gave him the headache. he seemed flirty with me and hinting more things showing me books he is buying. sex books. i was just amused but later i googled and it's some interesting book choices he has. i've thought this before and am even more convinced now he is studying me. the books he wants to buy happen to have to do with issues having to do with me. i'm wondering if he is literally researching things based on things i've told him about me being sexually repressed and timid and the issues i have and things i've been through. it's like he is determined to figure me out and already planning to have sex with me. he may know me better then i know me in some ways from all the research he seems to be doing on me.i've been trying to show him my issues little by little to push him away but nothing is stopping him. he keeps talking to me and seems just as interested and the last two days we've been talking a lot. he then picked a fight with me in the afternoon claiming i hurt him saying his fear of being alone is silly and seemed really upset. to me,it seemed like he was manipulating me based on things i had said earlier. of all the things,and things he's said to me,he gets offended by that? it seemed fake. like he was testing me. kind of creepy. but i apologized and explained myself after getting really honest with him what i think. all then seemed fine,and then i texted him saying he won't figure me out and i'm onto him. he acted very normal. i then texted him things saying i created pinterest wedding boards,and that we should move to so and so place and we'd have beautiful children and that i used a pic generator to morph our pictures together,to which he then started playing along with me. even calling me babe again. so,that didn't work.
-new instagram followers from my pic last night
-music
-feeling sexier and sexier lately
-overall positive mood today
-all the toning exercises and how great it makes me feel like i can eat a little fat and not feel bad. and how sexy it makes me feel and strong. my butt is looking curvier. my body more hourglass yet slimmer. my stomach tighter. i have a very very sexy body when i workout right.and,really i should be grateful because my body is so close to there compared to other people who have more work to do,more weight to lose,etc. for me,it's mostly toning that is key to transforming my body and it's giving me results very quickly
-feeling more fearless
-letting go more of the 'what ifs.'
-dancing
-creativity
-abundance
-expansion
-the openness i feel to life. maybe all the crazy ambition i've been having combined with solar plexus chakra work going on from ab work
-how toned and tight and sexy my body is getting
-feeling a little more attractive
-positive responses to the people i've contacted for work things
-getting some work done
-things aligning pretty quickly. just need to keep up the momentum
-how good my body looks in yoga pants and short skirts
-my boots i can wear through winter when going out
-being physically attractive
-being fashionable
-being a nonconformist
-having unique views on things
-being a detached person
-sleep
-that although i worry d is less ambitious and more complacent then i usually like in guys,he has done a lot of cool things in his life besides a lot of big travel,i found out he's done something on my bucketlist back about 10 years ago so he has done cool things and lived. he just seems more simple now,which in fact,is something i notice in some older guys i've dated. they lived a lot in their 20's,super fully and have stories then in their late 20's and thirties started to calm down and be a little more settled which actually makes me wonder about myself now that i'm not 21 anymore i hope i'm not getting complacent and that's the reason i've felt more mature these last two years and a little less why bother trying. i have matured but i don't want to stop having crazy experiences or stop growing.i remember D said i'm a dreamer on our first date.i hope i never stop being a dreamer.i want to honor my pain by continuing to go for it.i know that's the key to peace,happiness and understanding of the painful things and coming close to what i've lost.

[buzzcock]

im a bit psychic and i just get a sense this guy doesnt care for you that much. enjoy the chase if you will but dont set yourself up for sadness.

[buttercup]

im a bit psychic and i just get a sense this guy doesnt care for you that much. enjoy the chase if you will but dont set yourself up for sadness.

i don't think he does either based on our responses but regardless i'm not taking him very seriously myself.i am a bit physic myself and honestly i'm kind of using,though using isn't the right word,but using him for growth. he seems to keep pulling things out of me that is either inspiring me or making me think so i find it interesting. i have no idea if i'm a toy to him or what but i've decided in the last few days to surrender to the experience and stop fighting it. as for doesn't care for me that much,it would depend on what you mean,in what sense. as a person as in he wouldn't care if i got hit by a car? i completely disagree. i get a warm energy from him. as for my feelings? in some senses,i think he is a more detached person. i am a water sign in astrology and he is a fire sign though i have a lot of fire placements as well. if you mean,it seems he just wants sex/the conquest? that could be true. though,he also just has a very high sex energy and feels validated by being told he is wanted sexually. men and women are different. it's a thing to keep in mind. regardless,i don't even know how much i like him.

[buttercup]

im a bit psychic and i just get a sense this guy doesnt care for you that much. enjoy the chase if you will but dont set yourself up for sadness.

unless you are sensing he is abusive or psycho? because these are things i've been feeling as well.

[buttercup]

-how amazing i feel
-these amazing binaural subliminal audios for abundance and prosperity. so good and soothing
-water and how amazing vibration raising it is when i drink alot of it
-mason jars
-fitness
-feeling very happy when i seen myself dressed in a reflection and how much my body has changed. it was almost exactly what i want.i felt so much more confident and like i had the body i had years ago again. not that i even thought i gained weight. but all the toning work has made my clothes fit sexier and my stomach look flatter and i just feel so much more confident,its like there is a springtime in me. my body type responds best with more substantial toning work and less cardio since i'm genetically lean. the toning is what is making me look slimmer and be slimmer and sculpting my body. i repressed toning for so long for fear of getting big but in fact,it's the toning that makes me slimmer. if only i had been more toning focused years ago. it's only been a little over a week and i already notice definite results.i am soo soooo grateful.
-realizing i don't need to go super high protein but just not super low protein. this is easier to do.
-D and i seemed normal today.i did feel more attached slightly. he said he was going to the gym to get sexy for me. which made me laugh. i asked him a random question which seemed to throw him off and i explained myself more but then it seemed he blew me off and just texted saying sorry for the delay and at the gym and then just replying to another thing i said.i hate when he does this because it's pretty obvious he isn't intending to respond to all i said. every once in awhile he does this and i notice it's when i send longer or higher amounts of texts in a row and it has to do with things he's already said.
-protein water
-going for a nice drive with best friend. it really rejuvenated me!
-putting myself out there more and contacting people,not just work wise,but socially. today,i randomly messaged a friend from this year on facebook. it's not like me to contact people,i usually wait to be contacted but it feels good to do and makes me feel a little more connected
-food and the nourishment it provides
-how hard my nails are
-protein water
-another amazing,well it didn't feel amazing at the time,it's now in hindsight it's amazing,it was mundane in the moment,of seeing how wrongly i assume! for the worst.and seeing back in october the the thing i assumed with D that i still never told him what,i very likely assumed wrongly again for the worst after finding out another piece of info that didn't come from him.i've assumed wrong about many things in fearful ways and it hasn't served me. people are more innocent then we think. the only bad thing about assuming is i wonder if i've assumed positives too and am wrong. but,i rather adopt a somewhat pronoia mindset at least. it's kind of amazing because it's in a more positive vibration today's thing happened. D is not perfect but some of the petty stuff i feared back in october has been wrong. i also remember worrying he was poking girls on facebook to flirt because that's how we first started talking but on our date he said he pokes everyone even guys because he finds that feature ridiculous in how ambiguous it is and it's true, and i agree and believe him about that and it's not like he poked me once and asked me out,he poked me randomly and we kept poking back and forth for a week then he chatted me so that's even more of an authentic story. he was poking random people to be silly and i kept poking back which i'm sure surprised him so he decided he should talk to me and get to know his poking friend and then asked me out. and plus he was really nervous doing so,it was obvious he was very nervous in our first chats.and,well the other day,i seen a guy post on his facebook a pic about who will win the poking war him or the guy posting. D has a lot of friends and is a more free spirited person and i'm not uncomfortable with that. it's nice that the more i am getting to know him,the more i am seeing i assumed wrongly for the worst about him. and yes,i'm happy that he isn't doing really silly creepy things on facebook to try and get girls.i should've known better then to think he would do that.i really think him and i just got entwined randomly. i am going to enjoy the connection now and it's sweetness and worry less about things. it's been a long time since we first started chatting. who knew back in september we'd end up here? it's kind of beautiful.i was thinking about that this morning..about where did the time go. it's already december. but,then i can say that about many of my connections. the time goes by so fast and it's in the moments and before you know it your looking back at a little story.i'm grateful i've gotten to know D.
-chatting with a friend right now who is mad at me making me realize D and i actually do fit. never thought i'd say that.
-stress release and relaxation
-meditation
-how new things feel in life
-feeling the ok-ness of everything in life
-business partner offering to set up email domain and pay
-getting answers to questions i had
-getting some work done today
-infusing joy into my work and how excited i am for what i do and loving what i do
-being love and feeling love. my heart chakra feels so full
-my spiritual side
-learning
-the people i know and the people i meet
-surrendering
-knowing i'm doing something important in my life
-wanting others to smile and be happy
-seeing little things come together
-seeing law of attraction come together with little things
-how high my vibration is
-how beautiful i am
-my goals
-healing
-feeling love,being love

[buzzcock]

no just wanting a casual fling maybe. just kept your head and stuff. good luck with life.

[buttercup]

no just wanting a casual fling maybe. just kept your head and stuff. good luck with life.

maybe that's all i want too,though. the tarot readings i've been getting seem to indicate otherwise though that he's changed his perspective and also he did probably the sweetest thing so far today since we started talking. so,we'll see.

[buttercup]

-water and drinking lots of it to raise my vibration
-talking to my business partner and how fun it is and how excited she seems for things
-how amazingly fast my body is responding to toning. my butt looks rounder,my thighs look super tight. my body is responding very well. i must be genetically blessed to get such quick and great results. it's transforming my body into more playboy model/dancer body results which is amazing,i always worried too much toning would make me look like a fitness model but in fact,it's just making me look sexier and curvier.i am so happy looking in the mirror at all this transformation with stomach,thighs,and butt and get so excited to work out!
-mason jars! for how efficient they make things
-coffee today.
-night skies which help me sleep at night when i go on the porch for some amount of time to sit at night
-doing my affirmations in my notebook while on the porch for an hour. really raised my vibe by the end and D responded quick to ones having to do with him. he ended up texting me before i went inside with the sweetest thing ever.
-the sweetest gesture possibly thus far from D came today. i had texted him yesterday as it came up about multi dating and said my opinions on it. he kinda seemed to blow me off and i figured it's because he doesn't want to repeat himself and i wrote a lot. so waking up,i felt kinda blah,admittedly even though i got a very positive tarot on if he would contact me or not today. well,tarot was right. out of nowwhere,i get a text from D. it's just a pic of his work schedule.i kinda had a feeling what he was texting but wasn't sure so sent back a question mark. he said it's his work schedule so i can see when i can hang out with him. to me,i thought this was super sweet because for one,it showed he is making me a priority and two it's an implication. maybe i'm wrong but it's an intuition i got that he was implying something with that,trying to saying he is not multi dating now showing me his schedule.especially after what we talked about last night,and then he disappears and then the first text he sends me after all that is that pic and nothing else,no words or anything. so,that was pretty meaningful to me. the tarot i got last night also said he was having a change in perspective on things which to me was saying what we talked about he was taking into consideration. so,that made me swoon.
-best friend got a new car! he had affirmed for this exact car a little over a year ago and got it. so,he's super happy and i'm happy for him. moving up in life! the previous car was already nice and stylish but this car looks even more money! luxe definitely! already the nicest car in the building but now even nicer
-going shopping today. went to a different store to try and get some different things but food-wise ended up a bit disappointing as my food diet has evolved so much this year that i like pretty high end foods but it was nice to get some things from the first store then go to the usual store and get things
-new things to try
-expanding abundance
-how enjoyable exercise is
-meditation
-taking some attractive looking selfies of me
-how gorgeous my hair looks
-my face
-my desires and goals. even had strange dream of noodles which symbolizes enormous desires which is accurate!
-being in my 20's
-finding a way to honor what i've lost in a way that is empowering and allows me to move forward and excel without feeling guilty
-cute knee high socks
-my style
-focusing on better time management even if that means some workaholic days
-how good i feel
-vegan good and how much my options for food are expanding
-healing
-positivity
-utilizing the law of attraction to empower my life
-seeing little things like how happy booking this one person made them which makes me 2nd career looks very prestigious that she felt so cool and prestigious doing the job
-other people's ideas like my business partner even suggesting all these things to help me for when i move to her side of the country. it's so sweet how thoughtful others can be.
-dimmer lighting. so much more relaxing!
-how good my heart chakra feels
-tibetan singing bowls music to slow my mind down
-happiness
-finding these vitamins,it's a little thing but i needed to buy more calcium and have wanted to find a zinc supplement and then found a calcium that happens to have zinc. so random but what a money saver and way to save on buying extra vitamins and looking for a different zinc.
-realizing how high end my life is.i forget sometimes the amazing things i've done and have available to me because,like we all do,i take it for granted but i appreciate
-writing. such a great way to organize my mind
-all the transformation to come

[buttercup]

felt a little down before bed but brought that vibration and motivation right back up!
-mason jars
-drinking lots of water
-going with friend for a drive and to drop laundry off
-stopping at a bathroom and after,looking in the mirror and seeing how thin i look when i looked in the mirror even with my coat on and full winter clothes my body just looked smaller and trimmer and it made me feel very happy,and beautiful looking. amazing how just a small amount of weight loss has made me look so much better.i knew all i needed was a small weight loss to feel much more happier with my body
-how rounder and sexier my backside is looking
-how sore different parts of my body are from exercise
-really pushing it with workouts last night,i even was grunting which is so unlike me and i usually laugh at people who do that,but i was pushing it so hard
-how much i look forward to exercise
-how great it feels to work out my abs
-that today is yoga. what a great way to heal my muscles and let them rest while still getting fitness benefit
-this new vegan meat i tried that is sooo amazing and tastes so good and i love the company's mission,vision and way of creating change and how high in protein and low in calories this product is. wow. best fake meat i've ever tried,too
-making decisons and slowing down and organizing so i can get more done. today is devoted to getting my house in order with being clean so my mind will feel more organized to get more done
-D was kind of rude to me last night randomly and was surprised by it. he had never been that way before.i got really upset as it seems people have been upset by me lately so got mad at him then he claimed he wasnt mad and was at work,etc,etc. i tried wondering why he seemed that way and did a tarot and i think he is getting fed up with me and agressive about getting what he wants from me.i had told him after that sweet thing of yesterday that i'd know my schedule better tomorrow and he probably got annoyed and has been short with me since then. the tarot is saying he's feeling possessive and certain of his wants and a lot of sexual energy,sexual conquest feelings. today,i texted him saying so and so day and he said it'd work but he works early the next day and we decided an early time and i suggested coffee and he took a long time to reply and he said and dinner. i had thought maybe he just wanted a short meeting but then he also said something about making out so maybe he does want to try and have sex with me.i have no idea about him anymore.i thought he'd try and bring me home the first date,and he never did or even tried.so im grateful he wants to go to dinner.i usually prefer more casual dates because i get nervous about things with eating and i don't eat much because of my primary career so some may think i have an eating disorder but guys know what i do for a living and just assume that's why and never think it odd.im just taking it casual with D.i had thought i'd maybe make him wait a month before seeing him again,but he's been persistent enough to not have it be that long.
-my eyeglasses. they help me when i didn't sleep as well
-talking with best friend about big plans we have and negotiating more about it which is exciting as it's one of the things im determined about and gives me life again
-how small and feminine and dainty and sculpted my arms looked in the reflection earlier today
-having dreams of my wonderful cat family. ah,so nice ever since she left me every time she is in my dreams,i feel connected to her like she is still here. i super appreciate any dreams with her,and my mom and brother's cat,were in the dream as well as if they were all still together. i realize the three of them together is a vital part of her life story and i need to accept that.
-that best friend is trying out the crazy things he wants to try,even if he is doing things i don't like. i'm glad he is living and trying his curiousities
-appreciation for the good times
-acceptance
-how long my hair is
-coffee
-getting decisive about things. it creates such a calm and organization and flow
-being me. my imperfections and all.
-not needing to have it all figured out
-being beautiful and sexy and allowing that to come out more again like a flower blooming
-my goals
-utilizing sex energy to my benefit and appreciating what the sacral chakra energy can do for all areas of life

[Serpentarius]

I am grateful I am alive and relatively healthy. I am grateful I have food to eat and a roof over my head.

[buttercup]

not my best day,lots of emotions of various things such as sad news things online and another fight with D and mind wandering but determined to raise that vibe up!
-all the fruit smoothies i've been making lately. today is blackberry. it's fun to try new things and to live life like it's a spa
-the amazing ab definition i am getting and seeing when i look in the mirror
-sleep
-meeting my goal of cleaning all the rooms i wanted to get to yesterday night of my place
-meeting my goal of doing all the yoga i wanted to do last night. and that i love exercise so much that i think how can i get more in and do more
-how flexible my body is becoming and that i'm already pretty flexible
-how amazing my side legs,thighs.and hips are looking. so smooth,and toned,and sculpted and body flaws disappearing! it's amazing. i was sitting in yoga and looked in phone as a mirror at that parts of my body and felt very confident and sexy at the appearance. it is true a stringent toning regimen strong routine is what my body needed to turn it into my ideal body. again,if only i didn't repress this years ago!
-my dreams and desires becoming bigger. thinking of exotic travels i want to go to
-my desire to connect and share closeness
-my kind and sensitive heart
-being a woman
-being feminine
-being sexy
-another fight with D. not grateful for that. he has been weird these last few days. after giving me attitude then claiming he was just at work saturday evening then sunday all seemed well enough and he said he wanted to go to dinner too when we go out again then said something about making out and i just replied with lol and asked how he was doing today and then sent a flirty text and he ignored me all night! he never does this. then i had a nightmare with signs and in it and he was in it,and he texted me in the morning saying he was busy and responding to the flirty part of the message to which i told him we won't go out saturday and we had a big fight and he was the meanest he's ever been to me! i don't know what's gotten into him. he was saying personal things making me feel stupid and crazy and saying i treat him like an a--hole and saying we will talk about it in person and when i said i won't be talking to him anymore,him saying yes i will because i'm seeing him this saturday. by the end he said i am really mean sometimes.i then told him i like him,i can't help it but i don't trust him and he even had the nerve to say i went to bed upset because he didn't reply. he said the dream i had was just a dream and was telling me it's not a sign and it doesn't mean anything. by the end,he said he is sorry and will never intentionally ignore me and then said to not worry he is not going to lie to me,or ignore me or abandon me. the tarot cards i pulled on him last night and today show he is dangerous,controlling,possibly abusive. but,i dont know if i even believe in tarot.i think it's just something to play with. i am still getting weird signs.i dont know why we fight so much. but he's definitely been acting weird these last few days like he's irritable and i feel like he was testing me by not responding all this time especially since two days ago or so,i told him i'm not a clingy person and why people should embrace being alone and that i like being detached. he sure knows how to say stringing things at times,that's for sure accusing me of going to bed upset at him.i appreciate that the fight is over with. sometimes i worry that he could be abusive and know abuse starts with manipulation and breaking someone down in the beginning little by little. but,then i wonder,could i even be the one who is abusive?
-food and nourishment
-warm showers
-my floor
-style and fashion
-my hair
-house music
-wellness and healing
-the color purple. in a very purple mood.
-my tastes in things
-beauty
-inspiration
-fruit
-coffee
-moisturizers for face and body
-vitamins
-that i can go tanning tomorrow to get my happiness boost
-metaphysics
-things coming together with future goals
-energy
-my career
-dancing
-motivation
-notebook for to do lists and utilizing that to get more done and manage time better
-positive psychology
-being smart

[buttercup]

-water and drinking lots of it to raise my vibration
-mason jars
-techno music that keeps me focused and productive and makes everything more stylish
-tarot readings because they amuse me lately
-french toast sticks and coffee
-going tanning today and closing the bed almost all the way
-D messaging me on facebook last night in the middle of the night. it was the first time we chatted on facebook since we first started texting back in october so that was nice. i think he was worried though because of our fight and wanted to make sure i felt responded to because he messaged to say his phone was saying fail when he tried texting me.i actually felt kind of bad if that's how i'm making him feel so im going to try and relax. we chatted for a few minutes him being sweet on me and it was as if he we were a couple and he called me babe and said he hopes i have sweeter dreams tonight and that he'd talk to me tomorrow and then he texted me at 8 in the morning.
-my body looking better and better everyday. i actually am enjoying looking at my body in lingerie now as i feel prettier and sexier. i still have a little more work i want done but the art of body sculpting is progress then some progress seeming slightly less then forward and going thinner,to curvier to thinner as it is getting rid of fat and toning things up creating curvature and sculpting it into your perfection. it is interesting.
-how much sense toning work makes to me now to get my ideal body and get rid of flaws. it is like a lightbulb has went off and everything is like oh,yeah that does make sense now
-heat
-sleep
-protein water
-making to do lists and writing things down
-my front room being clean
-nice meditation sessions last night that made me feel good
-sweaters and hoodies
-the spring time feeling i feel inside of me of possibility and motivation
-feeling faithful in my goals
-positive stories in animal advocacy
-the theta music intention setting exercise i did before bed
-my computer
-my personality
-all that i've done in my life
-relaxing
-perspective
-interconnectedness
-non linear time
-becoming more physically attractive
-reflecting back on this past year
-reflecting on the future and planting seeds for the next year
-my strength
-friend showing me a workout song he likes and it was cheesy but then it made me want to workout listening to it
-my accomplishments
-my ideas
-my ambition and drive
-working in a young and trendy industry
-surrender
-that D possibly sees me as a status symbol. the tarot readings seem to indicate that and it makes sense logically
-inspiration
-massage
-feeling good and hedonism
-starting to see D as more masculine and older for some reason lately. idk why,i just feel younger then him lately when i talk to him. which i am,but i haven't been feeling that way until recently. im guessing it's an energy thing going on
-creating my reality and turning things around
-paper and pen. can do so much with just a paper and pen!
-my ideas
-pacing myself and allowing breaks
-affirmations and intentions
-how things expand and open up when you raise your vibration!

[buttercup]

what a day. slept so awful and felt detached and ambitious today but sleepy and overwhelmed. was the first day in some time i didn't feel an attachment to D and of wanting him to text or to text him
-coffee
-vodka
-coffee and vodka together
-getting more things picked up from the store
-getting new toilet lid and seat that had been needed for awhile since i had made a mess of getting beauty product all over it when doing a diy beauty project
-being young
-being crazy
-being high status
-my hair
-posting a new selfie today even though i felt nervous as part of my project to overcome insecurities and be more open and trusting of my beauty
-my sort of beat up,broken,vulnerable beauty look i seem to have
-my goals
-my desires
-my confidence boosting more and more
-getting jealous then deciding to feel inspired and determined from it and moving on quickly
-being ok with life craziness
-looking good with out makeup
-having model beauty
-getting my cardio in for the day and being ok with challenging myself
-the feeling of hope being alive and the feeling of who knows what could happen
-feeling very feminine and sexy and desired and having desires
-my feminine desires
-how defined my abs are looking and how quickly they are getting defined
-becoming more body confident
-feeling so detached from D today. It felt wonderful
-techno music and how focused it makes me for getting things done and how stylish it makes life feel
-pretty things
-inspiration
-yoga pants
-acknowledging the fears but not letting them win
-learning
-information coming available to excel and become better at careers
-business partner researching and planning on buying domain for our new second top secret business together
-things coming together
-talking with business partner today and telling her i miss her and i've been such a grouch today and us chatting about things
-things done well
-my talents
-knowing talented people and working with talented people
-protein rich foods
-having plans two weekends in a row i'm looking forward to
-sports bras
-style
-perspective

[buttercup]

-forgiving myself for sleeping all day. a part of me just wanted to and sometimes it's ok to be wrong.
-D texting me early in the morning and all being normal with us
-deciding to back away from the tarot readings. it's addictive and takes willpower to back off but i'm starting slow with just one day at a time,no reading. It's fun to indulge in the drama of tarot and interesting to get perspectives but it's very disempowering. sure,some things seemed accurate,but for the most part,how can i really know? and,if i get upset about something in a tarot,what am i going to do ask D about it and say the tarot said this or that? he already thinks i'm crazy. i'd rather feel empowered that I create my reality. Sometimes,i got upset simply because tarot suggested awful things such as rape and abuse and massive betrayal and heartbreak.i don't need that stress in my life,life has enough external stressors and tarot also said i was pregnant a few weeks ago so tarot is often not even right but if you see a card,you just give it all this power subconsciously and something stressful then becomes created from that and resistances to the flow of things happen.so,no backing away from the tarot. tarot said last night D wouldn't text me today and i got the darkest possible cards and well he did text and all was well.
-water
-mason jars
-a nice cardio session today that kills me that's how intense it is
-being considered someone to go to for advice on things. one new thing being nutrition,people seem to think i know about that
-vitamins
-a nice vegan breakfast and coffee
-feeling so positive this morning and alive and feelings of something amazing is coming. it felt like a high
-mobile photo editing apps
-passion
-my industry
-feeling very interconnected with life and one with non linear time
-getting a little bit done
-feeling overall relaxed
-business partner getting work done today
-confirming in my head business partner definitely doesn't like D which is unusual for her,she usually likes everyone i do so i do think it's a possible sign.
-being feminine
-feeling inspired
-beautiful visions
-kindness
-my accomplishments
-how great my backside is looking. it's so close to perfect now,and all it took was about 2 and a half weeks of stringent toning focused regimen and maintaining an adequate amount of protein in my diet. i feel so much more confident now in little shorts
-transformation
-feeling overall detached from D today. well,i slept all day but even when i awoke,i didn't feel antsy for a text from him or wondering when he would text or tempted to text him
-feeling all these desires and dreams and allowing myself to fantasize about things that feel good like joyful activities. just allowing myself to dream and think good feeling thoughts
-being an overall dreamy person
-feeling motivated and focused
-how much life opens up and expands for you when you raise your vibration
-stylish music
-feeling more confident about reaching my goals and the feeling of anything can happen
-stylish people
-attractive people
-that things i've wanted for awhile now are indeed happening now
-how beautiful life can be
-how transformative and healing happiness is
-having the most amazing jobs in the world
-that I do have things to offer,even if i don't often feel like it
-my mantra i'm working on of no assuming. it's my big becoming better and evolving focus at the moment and a great way to surrender since it naturally puts you in a no expectations mindset and allows magic to then happen within that gap

[buttercup]

-d's attractiveness
-letting go
-getting my eyebrows threaded today. everytime i go,it's rejuvenating and i look younger
-fashion and style
-being patient
-techno music
-being an artist and knowing artists and dating artists
-knowing cool people
-stomach ache and tiredness going away
-the feeling of life and possibility
-being in touch with my emotions
-night skies
-my porch
-magazines
-wanting D. appreciating D. yet,somehow it seems everytime i'm certain i want him,he is more detached,distant. im sure this is an energy dance,the law of detachment at work. i let go,he is on me,and aggressively so and then when he becomes distant,i feel more warm and loving towards him. what's next? idk,but i'm being patient and reflecting on things today,giving myself a break
-positive responses to the things i put out there with contacting people
-space.
-relaxation
-nonchalance
-sweaters
-new toilet lid and seat so my bathroom no longer looks awful now. happy about that.
-heat
-pictures and visual artistry
-my empathetic heart
-pretty things,pretty art,and romance
-water
-interesting things to read
-mason jars
-doing nothing,at times

[buttercup]

what a weird last day or two. date with D went through after some strangeness from him and it went better too until the end when he made a joke about me paying the bill next time...ugh. such a turn off.i don't pay to date. so that killed it for me. it's hard to be a beautiful,successful woman. also had a guy from my past who took advantage of me text me.i hadn't heard from that person in years. so creepy.
-water
-mason jars
-feeling and looking more attractive today
-going to a trendy place i really wanted to go to and check out finally
-how nice the place i went to was yesterday and how nice all the staff was
-getting more instagram photo goals out of the way without even much effort
-date with D going through. him holding my hand as we walked out of the place and then kissing me on the street before i went into cab and he left. it was very public and made me feel awkward actually even though i like pda but the kissing made me worry we were annoying people since we were right in front of things and i worried in people's way. all the eye contact D made with me and staring though it makes me very uncomfortable and i'm thinking it's part a power move. how take control he was walking and crouching down to the side of me before he went to the bathroom telling me he wanted to kiss him. that he again didn't try to get me to go home with him or make the slightest implication of it and just wanted me to kiss him and to hold my hand. it's extremely unusual for me. a innuedo moment between us that was like in a movie of one of those almost happened moments and tension where you look back and your like did that just almost happen and what was that, like in a sitcom such as who's the boss or romantic comedy it was this:we were talking about multi dating and i told him i had thought me and him had a connection and were building a connection and he got eager and his eyes lit up as he excitedly asked do i feel a connection with him.a few sentences later,i then say what if i was starting to feel this connection with you and it felt so good then boom you end up in a relationship with someone else and he said that's why you talk to me and you tell me these things and then we have a conversation and we make it official. so,that right there. were we about to enter a relationship right that moment ? looks like it in hindsight. i love how cinematic life can be. i like that he seems to think i'm cutesy. and that he has a paternal vibe,our involvement with each other,like i'm a child. it sometimes seems like he is training me and educating me. lol.it came up once about me saying i told friends about something and they agreed and he asked if i'm talking s--- about him and he looked at me intently and kept asking while i kinda drifted my eyes and didn't answer and how another moment him saying i hurt him alot and he explained one thing and stared at me trying to explain he was staring me down like i was child and how what i did was wrong and why and i kinda looked at him rounding my eyes innocent at him. he also kept noticing my body language and asking why i'm so closed off and trying to make me make eye contact with him and grabbing my face gently a few times to try and do so.i like how one moment he said i said the word multi like this girl in this popular movie and just him noticing a detail of me and associating it with something was cute,it sounds like something you do when you are in love or have deep feelings.i like that he took control and ordered for me and that he really wanted to hold my hand and how he put his hand out for me when we left to grab it and while in the place when we held hands he didn't want to let it go.i like how sexy his eyes are and how genuine his smile is when he smiles at me like he's really happy with me.i don't like that after all this time of me hinting at what i expect about chivalry,etc that he made a joke at the end about me picking up the tab next time and said how expensive the tab was when it wasn't and he ordered more then me.i hope it was a joke because his voice tone sounded like he was kidding and he stared at me while he said it like he was testing me.i think he did it because i didn't do a hand reach to at least offer but i don't do that because it feels fake.i just looked back confidently and said ok because i was caught off guard but i don't pay to date. he replied back saying he was surprised i said that and said he thought i'd say what next date. so,he was testing me in something. he also tested me in other things that night,too. showing me a picture on his phone of something personal and sexual that i know is testing me based on certain things. how much he knows about me that i didn't even tell him based on things he brings up and says he knows so he's been studying me,which is fine,i just wonder to what extent.i still feel there is something missing,too with this.i have no doubt in my mind he has studied the heck out of me and caters his responses and what he says to me based on that.i like that he says he thinking about going back to school next year but is that influenced at all by me saying i like ambitious or something hidden,him knowing something he shouldn't,i wonder? because,that would explain his mood swings this week,too. it's so hard to say.i am going to ask God to help bring to light things about D i should know that feel to be missing. if the tarot is accurate,it is revealing there is deceit going on and the deceit i suspect falls in the voyeurism category.i also didn't like that i suspect he found our server to be attractive. women can read energy and i know lots of attractive guys who can seem easily unphased by a pretty girl but with him although he didn't do anything,i just got a vibe. he's been minimal in texts to me since last night. since he made that joke about the tab,shortly after during when he we were talking about a connection and that moment he kept repeatedly asking when can he see me again and i said february,or march,or april maybe trying to say not anytime soon. that was my way of getting back at him for the joke about me picking up the tab next time.i did get a notification that was interesting on my phone though this morning that said he liked my check in on the social places app i have of where we were at. that was interesting because it's the first time he's done that and it was like he was saying i see your check in's on here and have been.i wasn't sure he even did so that confirms he has been. and that was what led us to first talk to each other was back last august when my phone bugged out and liked a bunch of his check-ins on accident, that is when he a month and half later started chatting me on facebook.so serendipity. although,now i know even more we can't work and are incompatible,seeing he did that,i decided to follow him on twitter from my business's page since i lurk his twitter enough anyways and we both have crossed so many lines by now with each other and said things we shouldn't,i just don't care if it looks like too much on my part which i don't think it does
-animals and how sweet and innocent they are
-getting groceries today
-getting some new makeup today. found some amazing cheap deals on new things to try
-finding amazing indian food i can get from the grocery store and make at home. i'm in food heaven. indian food is my favorite ethnic cusine.
-my outfit last night and how great i am with fashion and style
-my curvy backside that i know makes men happy to check out
-how younger my face is looking again and prettier,and that going slightly lighter on makeup is benefiting me
-that i come off as high end even though i don't feel that way. it comes off without trying. D has said and done several things implying he feels inferior from staring at my purse like he assumes i must be rich because of it,to the things i do for fun,to other comments
-colors
-art
-nice places
-filters and mobile photo editing apps
-work things coming together
-breaks
-amazing interesting blogs that have many things i love combined into one!
-appreciations
-everytime D hurts me or angers me,i feel inspired to do something constructive to better myself
-that not a single person thinks D is good for me,and that business partner doesn't like him and she likes everyone i like so that's something. she said he reminds me or shady ex friends. i'm not happy people don't like him,i'm just happy im not crazy in what i think
-finding out more about D such as him admitting he wasn't ready to date in october and he didn't even know he wasn't ready and he wasn't emotionally available. i like that he thinks that. though,sometimes it makes me wonder how he says exactly what i want to hear..how is he knowing that
-good sleep last night
-vodka
-dim lighting which makes things cozier
-with D being so weird before our date to the point that i wasnt sure if he was going to flake on me,i decided to text friends which felt good. just putting myself out there. it's made me more confident.
-heart warming videos
-evolving
-taking breaks so i can be more productive when i do things
-coffee
-how tall i am
-learning people and discovering them. it's an interesting thing. you have one idea of someone and then you learn then and unfold who they really are behind the image and facade they project. it's an interesting things really. i enjoy it.
-getting more pea protein bought for me
-feeling attractive today
-how everything with D feels like it's happened before. how before me and him ever first chatted,i remember a compulsion to check his facebook sometimes and i never knew why.i thought it boredom and that he projected an image that drew attention but in fact,more likely,maybe he had a crush or obsession on me from afar and that social check in glitch made him feel confident enough to do something and maybe that's why he likes me so much,though i also know certain things mean nothing,because he adds people from his facebook to everything it seems and may even be a bit of a female collector slightly
-learning more about what i do want from all this D mess
-having things to look forward to
-healing and wellness
-forgiveness
-subjective reality
-all the yoga and meditating i will do tonight
-feeling my feelings
-my power
-how reasonable best friend has been with me lately
-being a woman
-attractive guys
-my confidence when i am confident
-the opportunities and potential available to me
-when guys are charming and nice and treat you right. the bad guys make me look back at the good guys more fondly
-that one can always improve upon oneself
-night skies
-techno music
-dancing
-my sex appeal
-being social

[buttercup]

-sleep
-feeling new today
-making decison before bed to just do it and ask A what i've been wanting for awhile now and just get it over with. it's no big deal. so upon waking,i delayed a bit and then started by asking how are you doing today. he replied about ten minutes ago but didn't read it yet. really want to be in the right frame of mind to ask since it's kind of a big thing,to me,to ask and i don't want to come off wrong
-different cultures,countries and places
-how fearless i've been feeling and the little risks i've been taking which is really healing me,i think
-feeling detached and over D. still a little bummed that after the build up,it's a disappointment and won't work out but i can't date a cheap guy and i don't pay to date. even if he was testing me,there had to have been something not good coming from that. some eye f------- won't change that. funny how he's been distant ever since that,too
-being up to the domestic challenge to come up with a tasty vegan dessert and how much fun i had with deciding what i'll do and how simple but decked out it'll be and coming up with alcohol,too. how creative i am and hedonistic yet still keeping it vegan
-comfortable clothes
-the new beauty products i bought to try out
-feeling cozy,calm feelings
-looking pretty today. i don't know what's changed lately in the last few days but my face looks beautiful
-how flat my stomach is today and toned. very happy with that and confident
-the amazing journaling session last night
-finding my actual tarot deck so if im going to do tarot at all,it'll be real tarot and not online. i realized the online tarot was all fake and not accurate. should've known. lol .oh well.
-going back to the cardio session i prefer from the week before the last starting today
-art
-surrealism
-creativity
-how talented i am and my vision
-keeping my head,heels and standards high.
-feeling overall relaxed
-attractive,sexy men
-my 2nd job and how enjoyable it is to be part of trends and curate
-fun
-feeling more alive again
-knowing it's ok to break rules sometimes and doing so,breaking my own rules
-love
-romance
-determination
-classiness
-sanity and knowing the difference between making efforts and breaking your own rules,and just being desperate and creepy
-feminine energy and knowing the importance of cultivating it and surrendering to it,but also breaking out a bit and allowing the masculine to come out in small parts. appreciating the feminine. and appreciating the masculine.
-me,my personality,my stories and interests,and who i am as a person
-loving myself
-beauty and makeup
-fashion photography
-keeping my innocence and that despite all i've been through keeping my dreamy side,and belief in the power of happiness
-food and all the vegan options i come across more and more and the amazing meals i create
-pleasurable thoughts
-softness
-surrender
-feeling feelings
-that despite the shuffle going on this week with holidays making everyone weirder and more quiet,im working with what i have to try and get some work done

[buttercup]

moody and irritable today for some reason.
-food
-going tanning today
-nicer weather today
-the sun shining today
-tibetan singing bowls music to slow my mind down
-A said yes! of course he did. and he even seemed possibly trying to maybe innuedo something,maybe not but he said it sounds perfect and will be interesting. excited. wanted to do this for awhile. now,that it's done nervous about other things,though like where will it from here,etc,etc.
-D texted me today. i'm whatever about him now,but also crabby and resentful too. when there's attachment you tend to hold onto things,and because of other things,part of me felt like texting him saying maybe we should have sex. he took awhile to respond,not super long and then said he is definitely attracted to me so then i said so you do not want to have sex with me then,and he took time to reply then said i would love to have sex with you"my name" i didn't respond much from there and he started saying things and then saying i said i want to make love with him but am afraid to be alone with him trying to urge me again with certain things. i've only grown crankier though and have sent a bitchy text about twenty minutes ago.i do not know why.
-how even on a day where my stomach felt big from eating too much,when i looked in the mirror,it looked smaller still and not too bad
-vegan male athletes
-facial massage and yoga
-how toned,tight,and smooth the side of my legs and thighs are
-how much i've transformed from finding the right combination of vitamins for me and going higher protein. my nails are long and hard,and white,my teeth feel so hard and strong,my hair feels healthier.i must be pretty healthy,and it was never the purpose
-men who are stylish and classy
-photos
-fashion
-romantic moments that flash in my mind,almost drug like,as i replay it in my mind repeatedly
-how great my eyebrows look and how they've made my face look prettier,younger,and more feminine
-things that are interesting,desires,and pleasurable thoughts
-that i know and talk with higher end men then the average person
-getting some work done today. felt so great to finish off a writing i was having trouble with last night
-relaxing and going with the flow
-beauty products
-beauty services
-reading the signs about D more and more clearly after some info came about,and piecing things together
-business partner buying a website domain for us last night for our 2nd business venture together
-inspiration
-change

[buttercup]

-the quiet
-having a good day
-vodka and having multiple shots. a little bit of alcohol can definitely be good for you
-my style and taste
-the abundance i feel
-that i create my reality
-that A said yes to me the other day. what an amazing thing to have checked off my list
-water
-mason jars
-tanning beds
-that my mom said i look darker today. she thought it was makeup. i'm glad its becoming noticeable my skin tone deepening and also how i got tanner then usual this last trip and how good it looks
-all the vegan food options. vegan ice cream.vegan marshmallows
-all the pics i took today and how nice they look
-having people over and how nice that was
-having my mom and brother try both vegan ice cream and vegan chicken
-all the energy i have
-techno music
-instead of resisting and trying to do things,deciding to just kinda take a break somewhat until friday
-all the things i have to look forward to
-all the seeds planted in november and december
-being cute
-knee high socks
-texts from D today. because i'm following what feels good and idk what i want and it's fun to text sometimes. sexy things he says that are ambiguous such as "i'm going to teach you every lesson."
-that i create my reality
-fantasies,dreams,and desires. my dreamy personality. my youth
-getting some things picked up for me since a lot of stores will be closed tomorrow
-the candy canes i bought last week with all the cool,unique,yummy flavors
-being someone who likes to get glammed up
-feeling more confident,and even slightly bossy about getting what i want
-sleep
-the industry i work in
-amazing gift best friend is giving me for christmas that made my day
-deciding to wait until january to start working on certain things since there's a lot im focused on right now and things are slower too with people being busy
-being comfortable being alone
-my tarot card deck because it's fun and i think makes me a more interesting person owning one
-feeling good
-my beauty
-fitness and how much i enjoy it
-dancing
-my loving heart
-pictures
-expression

[buttercup]

-dinner
-a coca cola today
-chips
-exercising
-my little notebook to write notes down
-techno music
-being smart
-being reasonable
-feeling my feelings
-sleep
-a beautiful article that caused tears to pour
-instagram
-expressing myself
-determination
-things to look forward to
-after tuesday D and I having one of our what was that conversation with innuedo and hinting but not quite saying going on,D texting me all day and night yesterday and good spirits from us both. he kept sending me videos and pics at his family christmas things he was doing which is sweet but i dont know what it means so i said something about it later,and he said he is not even posting the pics online only sending them to me and his brothers. we were in good spirits and he was being flirty and i was too and we both were buzzed from alcohol. by the end of the night,i got a little emotional about an ex and was telling him things about it,and he brushed it off but said i can share if i must and he was talking about making love under the stars with me and camping and i said i don't do camping i'm a princess remember and he said he will take care of me and that it's good to get dirty. From there,it then went to him asking for a picture of me and saying i'm so beautiful and he is a visual person and he really just wants to see me as i am right now and he understands i don't want to but he would love it and cherish it if i did. i tried explaining myself again and then got upset. he started saying it's ok baby and mwah and calling me darling and telling me not to degrade him and to respect him back and that he likes me. I then told him he is sick. He said wtf no he is not he is healthy and i then told him i think we should end things here and i need to focus on good things and that later on down the line when feelings have passed and we've both moved on,we can talk again and best of luck to him and have a good christmas. He then sent 5 five text saying wtf is wrong with me and saying f--- you you aren't walking away from me via text after all we've shared and that he's going to see me next week and f--- me so hard i will fall in love with him and to knock it off "my name" and then said to tell him what i'm doing right now and then said why the hell am i being so mean to him and that he's nothing but sweet to me and attentive and understanding and that he's tooken me out twice and i just keep s------ all over him and to try and care about him for once because he cares about me.i didn't reply and in the morning he said well merry christmas then 45 minutes later "mwah." I havent texted him all day. I am just not sure about him and feel as long as i talk to him i wonder ifi i block something i can be sure of from coming to me. there's so many things about him that sound good,but then i just can't feel it. Is it really just the little things that kill it for me? Such as him joking i pay next time and that slightly off feeling i get about him and the beard,etc? Maybe. Because,if he never made that joke,id feel much closer towards him but it's hard to feel close to a miser. i appreciate staying strong and not texting him today though i feel like i'm being evil and trying to get him to chase me and like i'm just looking for drama. when he says things like he took me out,and he'd take care of me,etc,it makes me think more that paying next time thing was a joke.
-my stomach looking nice and flat and toned and strong today
-getting something work-wise done because even if it's a holiday,it just makes me feel better.
-meditation
-makeup
-cute things
-a more open and abundant mindset lately
-nice things
-all the things life has to offer and explore
-the sun shining today
-vitamins
-finding a lot of new things that work for me this year to transform me and make me better
-goals,desires,and ideas
-looking forward to the future

[buttercup]

feeling sick. had really bad fight with D and he judged me for things about my past. :( first time i felt judged by him.
-i appreciate that after going all christmas day not texting d or responding to him,in the middle of the night,something came to me,and i laid it all out for him and told him everything i hate about him. it was long texts and a lot.i then had very erotic thoughts about him for some reason before bed. i then also had dreams about two different guys from my past. a pleasant dream with A,that may have been an innocent but sexual dream,and a dream with J where we were just chatting or arguing or something.i felt fear even checking my phone after all the texts isent D. He replied very early at around 7 am and i didn't read them until 7 pm. He simply called me an a-----basically and said merry f----- christmas indeed then proceeded to send me 4 pics within the next few hours before noon after that.i got pissed off about that told him never to speak to me again and like a nutcase he asked or said saying why,he wants to see me again. and saying i was an a----- for how i was.i told him i had very erotic thoughts about him for some reason before bed and then he took a bit to respond and changed his tone and started calling me baby and saying i'm beautiful and brilliant so i told him to be real with me and kept badgering him telling i know about the brunette and he kept saying what brunette and asking me to give him a name so i can dispel my suspicions and kept saying baby and asking what's going on with me and that i'm the only brunette he is trying to have sex with and then i told him personal things about my past and he jumped and basically attacked me and made me feel awful and crazy. even acting like he wasnt going to talk to me anymore. the more fights we have,the harsher he has been getting with how he talks to me and the things he says.i felt very emotional being so judged. he knew it,too. he said he only did it out of anger for me calling him so many names but that was such a personal thing. he then said he wants to see me still. he knew i was laying down and crying and feeling very depressed and then asked what am i wearing.i started saying again after me saying more emotional things that i don't understand why he judged me and that my life has been s---- havent heard from since,it's been an hour now. he accuses me of having mistrust because of things i've been through and claims he doesn't lie but he is full of it. a part of me had hoped for better,that maybe telling him all i disliked would bring us closer. he has said he misses me and still likes me even after all this during our fight tonight.i can see how i was too harsh by not talking all christmas to him. it's obvious that really upset him. but,why the hell is he asking me what am i wearing when i tell him i'm laying on the couch in tears. unless he thinks it'll change the subject and make me feel better somehow.i feel physically weak and have a headache. and like he manipulated me so i seem crazy because of my past so i cant accuse him of things. i'm grateful i said what i wanted to say last night,and that i realize the ignoring him and ending it on christmas thing really affected him.i was tempted to delete him off my facebook again tonight but don't want to be immature or regret it later.
-that i sent A the ideas
-the sun shining and unseasonally warm weather today
-laughter
-coffee
-muffin for breakfast
-boosting my mood little by little and coming back to myself
-a pepsi today. bad mood equals i've gone for the bad food.
-the christmas gift i got which is more money then i expected
-that upcoming business trip is in order and in stages of really happening.i haven't traveled at all in 2014 and it is really due and will be really healing.i needed a trip after my loved one passed on but couldn't go anywhere. after painful things,i love to take a trip and the most painful thing,i didn't go anywhere so this will be the first trip since she passed on.i also haven't gone to this place for business since a few years now so it'll be kind of huge to go back again. i've changed so much and it's always been really great for my career so it's a great business sign and will be interesting. i'm glad i can shine this year since that seems to be a theme of the coming year
-hot tea
-hot tea in combination with vegan ice cream and muffin. love interesting food combos that are very sensory.
-how great my abs are looking
-ab exercises
-getting some work done today
-peaceful sounds of the night time
-the releasing feeling of crying that is needed sometimes
-my load of things to get done feeling a little lightened
-just .now realizing d asked several times in some way if i meant what i said either by me saying i did or him asking on his own maybe i was a little too harsh.
-feeling new and forward moving lately
-mind slowing tibetan bowls music
-my craziness
-seeing articles about the allure of crazy girls just because it makes me feel better about myself

[CFTraveler]

A wonderful holiday with my family.

[buttercup]

what a conundrum i'm in. feels like a turning point for me,but maybe it's not.realizing today it's the 3 month mark with D of talking made me realize how i don't usually get past that with guys,so maybe D and I are really over. I was so mad at him for being distant with me yesterday just sending me a pic and saying he'd rather talk in person and then i seen something that made me get jealous and wonder things again and after telling friend,they thought was he maybe trying to get a reaction out of me because of how i was the past two days and get action,like taking the gloves off,fighting back. so i deleted him off facebook.i then was feeling so depressed and didn't want to go to my plans that i told D thanks a lot for that but then i did end up going. I kissed a guy and told him. I had sent pics of being out and about,too(not of me of course or of anyone but just of the bus) and texted all up until 5 am about random things but his last text to me was at around after i told him i kissed someone and how i wanted him and he hurt me and judged me. he just said i have wanted you this whole whole time.i dont even know if ill hear from him again now or if he thinks im a hypocrite or what,but a person can only put up with so much.i can see i did a lot wrong,too throughout all of this and just don't know how to solve it. why would anyone stick around after all this.

-italian ice after a night of drinking
-food and how good it tastes after drinking and how intense my tastebuds are from a vegan diet.
-soda after a night of drinking to help hangover
-this whole night making me realize D is what iwant
-going to a cool club i've never been to. the cool concept of the venue and free drink with coat check
-doing cool things i havent much experience with or no experience with such as taking a decked out party bus
-dancing
-feeling prettier last night and getting more compliments then usual and looks then i feel i've gotten in recent times of going out socially
-my resourcefulness with styling
-that my friend E encouraged me to come out after saying i wouldn't even though E actually did end up offending me later and seemed more distant towards me then he's ever been.
-girl i thought i didn't like but didn't know well eyeing me a lot at party and complimenting me a lot and seeming to want to talk to me actually being pretty cool and reminding me a lot of me and being less intimidating then i thought
-the weight i lost and am losing
-my best friend
-E actually wanting to take a picture with me which he never has not since our early days of hanging out but i think that's because i think he knew i'm very picky about pics and being online tagged in pics and i actually was taking pics with him earlier that night so he knew it'd be ok
-taking pics
-getting over insecurities and being confident and facing fears that make me a better person
-that i must be more surrendered to my feminine energy because men are seeming more masculine too though masculine energy can be kind of scary at times. it is interesting to see interactions with people and how they change and how energy changes as well as people change and your knowing of them changes
-how long my hair is
-the nice guy who kept the guy who i kissed but then wouldnt leave me alone away from me
-checking things off my list i wanted to do/have to do and my load lightening little by little now


-

[buttercup]

D and i "broke up." Pretty upset about it. It all started this morning,he seemed friendly enough despite everything and then was distant and weird saying things just like "ok" after i explained things to him and tried to communicate with him saying i feel i make him put up with too much. Then he said he doesn't own me and i could do what i want. From there,i seen something on his twitter and flipped out connecting things from a previous fight and accused him of using what we talked about against me and lying to me. He accused me of being a madwoman and insane and said i'd have to wait because he's at work and cant text constantly. he kept denying he lies when i tried pointing things out. he then said "i'm tired of all this texting bull----. I think it's best we no longer speak. I'm sorry it didn't work out. It could've been good." he kept saying i'm nuts and when i brought up the twitter thing he said the girl doesn't live in chicago and he hasnt dated her and the thing has nothing to do with her. he then said stop talking to him then if he disgusts me so then i said okay,bye. and we haven't talked since.i feel awful and attachment feelings and hate that it had to end like this,on such an ugly note and right at the 3 month mark. :(i've been replaying our moments in my head together we've had. i know there's nothing i can do but give it space. after our previous fights,i then kiss another guy,tell him about it,then go psycho on him about something again. i seem mean and psycho and i can't even deny that and i hate how i come off.but with that,i appreciate:
-that i can see the spiritual soul reasons for D a little.i feel i possibly come off as a magnified version of his ex,how she accused him of so called crazy things then left him. maybe,im meant to be his chance to face that stuff in someone else and do it differently. likewise,the things he pulls out of me,are helping me too. normally,i don't communicate at all with guys,i just flip out privately about things then drop them but i am telling him soo much which is very uncomfortable and vulnerable but some of it,at least,is helping me to become surrendered and rational to things. it's definitely been helpful to see what it's like to communicate versus freak out privately. I admitted a twitter thing caused me to spaz out today. That is very,very uncomfortable and awkward but i did that,i admitted it. That's something for me. I definitely feel i've been able to work through some of my issues through D,obviously far from all,considering how much ugly there is and fights but there IS some learning going on and positive. And,i just know,it's the other way around for him,too. I don't regret telling him the twitter thing,even if we didn't work it out after. I still feel like we'll end up talking again for some reason. I don't know why,i just do. I thought about when things ended with other guys and it always was they completely ignored me or me them or me dropping them and never communicating why and i can't picture D ignoring me or me ignoring him and he knows why and i know why were upseet with each other. So,that alone is something.I believe we both need space.
-after being annoyed by guy last night for following me around and being kind of rude to me,i realized,i do kind of like him actually,he is attractive and seems nice and we talked on and off today and he asked me out. I'll call him B. Best friend says he looks more like my type then D.i only wish my radar wasn't so blurred so i could appreciate it more. but,that's a lesson,too. it reminds me when D first asked me out but would go on and off and seemed to be missing his ex,it was like he just couldn't even see me fully and that's definitely how i feel about B. So,it's nice to experience that side of it,right now. it also helps to see how it's definitely not personal when that happens.
-that i can be more forgiving of others and strong and detached
-that my looks are improving.i got a lot more positive attention at E's party then i have in awhile at a social thing
-finally getting some sleep. if only I had slept would D and I have had that fight,or if i skipped E's party? Lack of sleep,then not eating all day,and being hungover is not good for thinking clearly or handling things well. I feel human now and more seeing things normal now that i've slept.
-having a nice meal. made my favorite food of chick peas curry with wheat bread roll and vegan chicken strips. so good. and helped me feel more normal and healed too
-people to talk to today on and off about D stuff going on. having that support was nice.
-a new instagram pic with B and a girl from the party. my first social pic on instagram too.i thought i looked nice and B is really attractive and photogenic so it ended up being my favorite pic from the night. since there's another girl in the pic,too i didn't feel bad posting it.
-water. drinking a lot and it's helping me
-new facebook friends from people i met socially that added me and i added
-new possibilities
-that business trip is in full planning mode.
-how nice and slimmed out,i looked in old jeans i wore today. they only fit slightly looser,but they hang better and it makes me so much more confident
-how tight my body is
-that my skin is a little darker now from all the tanning i've been doing. it's subtle but different
-getting new yoga pants today
-shopping bill being lower then usual today
-my hair
-my face
-all the compliments i receive
-delicious looking things
-that the weekend is over
-to be wanted. somehow,i keep being wanted even when i'm mean and difficult. maybe,i should feel flattered.
-that more people seemed to take me seriously and my work last night,too bringing it up on their own in a subtle but flattering way
-perspective
-getting strong
-nourishment
-a new tea to try that sounds interesting that i bought
-that best friend thinks D is different and we'll probably still work it out and that it seemed like to him he still was trying to hold onto the conversation

[buttercup]

-after waiting over 24 hours,and having had planned to wait three days to give D space for all i've done,i caved and texted him asking him if i can add him back on facebook. no response and it's been over an hour. tarot says he will respond though.i did it because someone else keeps asking me out,and i'd if nothing else,like to keep the peace with D,i don't want to let him go.
-another guy asking m out. it's nice and flattering,and normally very much my type,and someone i'd be very interested in. it probably helps someone likes me,but still i'd rather D,whatever that means
-nourishing food
-getting my perspectives together and clarity about things with D
-sleep
-healing
-morrocan mint tea
-getting a little work done despite how i feel
-essential oils especially one of my favorites,cedarwood oil. i love the grounding woodsy oils.
-deciding to hell with waiting,D could have another woman distracting him and keeping him from not responding to me,so i will make plans with B
-sweet mountain dew soda
-water
-looking so thin
-comfort

[buttercup]

-feeling great today
-coffee
-jelly donut
-a publicist for my first career. 2015 is going to be bring me a huge amount of success now
-feeling pretty and wanted today. how great my hair looks. how skinny i look but curvy and my backside looks round and attractive. my hair looking nice today. my face looking nice today. my body changing and developing into new sexier shape
-soft,upbeat music
-agreeing to go on a date with B.he seems kind of insistent too. don't know why i keep attracting insistent guys lately.
-how attractive B is and that randomly I attracted the hottest guy at the party to stare at me and then i made out with him and now were here
-fun instagram pictures i posted and pic likes
-business partner getting email and website set up for our 2nd venture together
-water
-mason jars
-yoga pants
-waking up earlier lately
-that last night just when my mind was starting to accept I might not hear from D and was feeling okay with B as what's next,D then responds to my text last night.i had texted him at 5 pm asking if i could add him back to my facebook and he responded after 11pm and said i could do what i want. he seemed distant and angry but it gave me enough of an opening to explain myself with the things i wanted to say.i then sent him a friend request. at after 1 am,he then texted he a very dirty,erotic text message.i sensed he wanted to "punish" me,so i played along and he was trying to get me to say yes to him repeatedly and tell him what i'm wearing and to tell him things,too.i thought at first this was his way of saying we are ok now,at first since it was so quick . but,his texts were more,almost on the degrading side,but not and he seemed more distant and not lovey at all and telling me i'm so hot for him,and just saying things about rough sex. Then he said he was going to bed. A few minutes later I felt a strong rush of sexual energy and knew he was not yet asleep and was touching himself to me. It was so intense the rush I got,that I think I even got a visual of what he was visualizing too such as outfit details he was imagining me in.Didn't hear from him at all today,and he didn't approve my friend request. :( Don't know what's going on with him or why he decided to be creepy last night,i figured because he felt i owed him that and he thinks i don't like talking sexual and it makes me uncomfortable or also he wanted to boost his ego after all i did to him or who knows what but he basically forced me to sext him and even told me i should be putting my hands under my clothes and rubbing my body all over. pretty sure he wants to exploit me since he thinks i'm a good girl and that seems to be a major turn on for him and he's said a lot of things implying how he is going to teach me to do everything and give me directions in the past.
-my green moroccan mint tea. it's so good and a nice,exotic change.
-going tanning today. what a nice mood boost! feeling amazing. went up a minute in time. :)
-feeling more detached from things and feeling relaxed and more abundant
-understanding things a little from reflection. i realized I think i understood D now,with things he said. he wanted to f--- me first,then he said i could kiss other guys,and he'll kiss other girls,and based on other things he said,i think he was wanting to have sex with me to get me to commit to him,and then that would go out the window. i also pulled a tarot card about what D is most upset about that i've done and i think it implied the kiss with B. D acted so relationship-y with me and I think he thought once he could just get me to have sex with him like we had planned this week,then i'd fall for him,and he could get me to commit to him.i didn't understand what he meant about that text back then,was he saying he wants to have sex with me before other guys could but now,i realize he meant let's just have sex first because then he thought he'd curb me saying things like that. I kinda felt bad because before we could meet to have sex,we had the crazy fights and i ended up going to the party and kissing a guy after he told me not to because i thought he implied we both could kiss others but it was misunderstood message,he clearly meant after me and him had sex. all this time,i thought D didn't get jealous but sometimes i think quite the other way around,he just manipulates somehow to seem aloof. i also get ALOT of tarot indicating he is repressing/blocking his emotions so i wouldn't be surprised if the true him is clingy,very insecure,jealous,and in love with me
-getting things set up
-getting dishes done last night
-the movement in life in the last two months. it's nice to feel moved forward
-healing your past meditations and quantum leaping. it's so energy clearing and an amazing way to mood boost and improve all areas of life as well as manifest some random desires from energy being cleared.
-the sun
-my smarts
-being unique
-my sophistication
-lovely memories

[buttercup]

this day is an emotional one. my beloved little sweet left this year and now the year is ending. the worst year of my life is ending and she won't be in the new year with me. i had hoped last week before all the crazy fights to see D tonight to distract from the pain and the hope of something good but haven't heard from him since he sent me those sexual messages and it's now nye. he may go on a date or kiss someone for all i know and i can't even get mad about it.i know it's his day off and he he hasn't accepted my fb friend request and it's been almost two full days since i sent it. he hasn't made any public updates though either,or added new friends since i sent i which is slightly better.
-to cry it out. release is good and today will be a day for that.
-to be ok with not having plans. B i think wanted to see me tonight and was trying to hint at it,but i'd rather just journal and have a nice meal and reflect on things.
-i seen something significant yesterday. D posted on twitter right after i explained myself about things the other day when he responded and i had that opening and right before he sent me the sexual texts,he posted:"respect.love.patience.understanding." not to be assuming too much,but it seems like it was directed at me,saying he is trying to be that way,especially with the timing he posted it,right at around midnight after i explained how i was wrong about things and before he seemed to try and make some kind of peace with me and i had mentioned the other day i seen in my twitter feed and he's said before he is patient as a quality to me when i said i go best with patient people so i think his post may have been a good sign. when i first seen it,i took it as him saying he has deep feelings and is trying to be mature and understanding. because his sexual texts after he posted that were about in a way like he was going to "punish" me for being bad and telling me how sexy i am. i do think he must still be uncertain though,so i guess i really hurt him,which has surprised me with how detached i thought he was this whole time but clearly i affected him with how he is being now.i appreciate he did have feelings and clearly did like me.
-i appreciate talking to B everyday since we met. it's been helpful with all this D stuff going on.
-B tagging me in pics from the party and using the pics isent him
-business partner sending me a ton of work to approve. so glad. she's been behind on things and wanted to catch up. with how addicted to work i am,this is great for me
-my desire to cleanse and renew
-newness on the horizon
-that i can blog tomorrow again for the month of january
-heat
-sleep
-how great my backside looks from working out
-knowing and meeting cool and attractive people
-that i'm still feeling forward moving
-the experiences i go through in life
-feelings and emotions
-my hair
-feeling determined to be positive today and doing so somewhat
-ideas
-things coming together
-the feeling of something brewing and culmination
-yoga pants
-my hair
-music
-water
-mason jars
-coffee
-physical exercise
-the changes i will be making and transformation coming
-patience
-being a woman
-pictures
-memories,like memories with D. it's hard also he was one thing this year that came into my life i enjoyed and now i'm ending the year like this with him. it's sad,but story of my life.
-my desire to make everyone feel more special
-photo app filters
-learning
-learning as a grown up,you don't need to see someone much at all to pick up where you left off from and get along and you can see someone once then a year or few years later and get on well.i actually enjoy this.
-being an artist and even my artist side and desires of someone to talk about lighting with

[buttercup]

really upset D hasn't contacted or approved my friend request and i know someone new was added in his list,now too since last night. he is being such a jerk and clearly wanting me to suffer because even if he was done with me,why leave my friend request pending? it just is bringing back all these old feelings of past things not working out. we were so close to a relationship,i just know it, and now were here.on top of that,not feeling well today,and heat not working again so really needing to raise my vibe. friend thinks he is just trying to punish me and make me suffer. as far as i can tell,he doesn't look like he went out on nye either.why send me those sexual texts then disappear? why post that twitter thing? and B keeps saying he likes me and other flirty things and i just want D. I don't even want A now,either. i want the one i hate. there's just something fitting about me and him.
-champagne
-that i can blog again now for the month of january
-the epiphany i had,again,but stronger,about tarots and D. I've been using them since october,and i guarantee it's why some of our fights happened by making me assume things and put negative junk in my head. psychic readings are addictive. i feel so stupid. i cant even tell D this because he thinks i'm already nuts.i threw the deck deep in my closet last night and am not touching them ever again. i've had three urges at least to use them today which proves their addictive nature. but,no,i create my reality. the few times i laid off divination with D,things got better.so,im sticking to it.i create my reality.
-the other epiphany which became my new years focus for the year to stop overthinking and how other people have told me i do this,and people idont know well. realizing how much it's affected people i know as well as my peace and that iwant to be someone people want to be around and be happy,and peace and excited. not a worrying,insecure,overthinker. wow. i've seen myself as this before,i will be it again. inner confidence. so much realizations of who i want to become and what i'm letting die away. the person who can dance by themselves and have a good time,and walk up to people and start a conversation and just not overthink like they need approval from others. it's so wow,what i've realized. it's like who have i become.im excited to be a new,freer,me
-all the new year news in just hours of a new year of finding out a friend is pregnant and another is engaged and i can't even get a relationship. :( so much happening so quick but i did have one thing too for me,but of course,it's career.i have a new big career change for the new year but i wanted a love life type change or something not career and status. i should be more appreciative though,others would want what i have.
-coffee
-water
-tibetan singing bowls to slow my mind down
-food to nourish me
-my body getting in better and better shape
-that i was in a really good mood last night for awhile..too good,it felt unnatural..and so i texted my friend and sure enough..he admitted he sent me some energy..funny how i can always tell when he has sent me energy.
-notebook and pen to write things out and set intentions
-caring less about things
-that i'm not getting my periods every two weeks anymore
-that i'm honing in on my ability to tune into energy more and more..last night,and today i felt little urges to text D and then asked myself are these all coming from me..or is he wanting me to text him? can't be quite 100% sure as im still studying energy and telepathy.i know i've been right on these things before. from poking him to the facebook thing,when something stands out it feels almost like a nudge and i later find out i'm right. last night,before bed,a picture stood out to me on my computer for some reason,it just stood out,even though i've seen it enough times,and sure enough a half hour ago,best friend asked me to send him the pic for something he is working on. weird!
-weird quantum shift things that i can't quite figure out and leave me puzzled. im still confused and cant figure it out. My friend E's text is coming up in my text box as older then D even though i swore i texted him the day after i talked to D. though,maybe i'm wrong and days are just becoming blurry but i kept staring at it weirded out trying to figure out the days of the week and what happened
-applying fake eyelashes on my own for the first time last night. not too bad for my first time
-that i create my reality
-that just giving psychic readings a rest is giving me more clarity and confidence
-the art and benefits of detachment
-how inspired business partner seems to be to work
-to know i need to trust my path,and not compare. my time for love changes will come. and,to appreciate what i do have
-great journaling session last night
-my taste in things
-taking more power in my hands to be more positive and create the reality i want
-how much more confident i am already feeling
-that i'm smart
-that i can look within myself
-understanding myself
-faith
-a chance to do things different

[buttercup]

-love songs
-coffee
-water
-doing what's right for me and canceling on B and canceling request on facebook to D. letting go and moving forward
-knowing D will be back around because i'm me and that his actions are only telling his feelings must have been deep. he always did seem more sensitive then other guys when i trace our history of how he's been and his moodiness and games he's played
-something kind of weird happening today but not assuming and being rational about it
-forgiving myself for mistakes and vices and still improving myself
-business partner being back at it and very chatty and working a lot which is really helping me right now and getting a lot of work put out there and laughing at a line from one project which was perfect and decided is D and how much i want i want to say that to him
-being a romantic,and feelings person and not feeling ashamed for it
-art
-knowing my positive qualities and wanting to seek out others who appreciate them such as my loyalty,high tolerance,nonjudgmental,being very accepting,always there to talk when others need it,and help them be positive about it,etc,etci may have my wrongs,but i know my good sides,too
-being high end and working in a high end industry
-art
-fashion
-models
-attractive people
-feeling positive for some reason
-feeling anger last night and earlier today. an essential stage to moving on
-positive signs
-a perfect quote at perfect timing i related to the D situation about being tested when your close to something and to persevere
-deciding to surrender and trust that even things seeming to not go well are part of a plan to bring me closer to my desires and to trust life
-feeling comfortable
-meditation
-thinking about D and chatting about him to business partner and realizing who he is,he'll be back around,he's just a weird person
-being easy on myself
-things getting done
-workout clothing
-indian food
-being ok with myself,my mistakes,and loving myself even in my vulnerabilities
-things seeming easier and more do-able
-the holidays being over
-having it together,ok with imperfection and being rational but still a little silly but just not getting carried away with it
-practicing non-thinking and clear mindedness in the moment
-my best friend
-beauty
-inspiration
-warmth from others
-good vibes
-practicing being love myself
-heart chakra music which took me to the next stage to get to anger
-the beauty of space,because if D and i do talk again,i think we'd only be stronger from this
-coming back to myself more and more,being grounded
-feeling love
-appreciating kindness from others..and getting it at the most random of times,i guess sometimes the universe knows when you need it,and sometimes universe thinks you need to not have it
-feeling an intense oneness with life,and others and that all is well,and going to be ok and that we are all characters in a play
-feeling my worth,and importance
-the wonderful going on in my career and appreciating what i do have going for me versus what isn't quite there yet
-infusing myself with the feelings i want to feel
-love

[buttercup]

-feeling good and making today my day. I've got D figured out i think,getting more positive signs,and he'll be back knowing what he missed out on. i'm me and he did wrongs,too
-getting a coffee today. so good.
-protein water
-deciding to start rebounding for cardio again.
-having B to talk to because it makes me feel good
-stopping at the mirror and just looking at myself and appreciating my looks because i was like wow,im really attractive. a very cute feminine height,slim build with nice curves,beautiful lioness mane hair,young face with european features,and cute young style.i am really attractive! that boosted my mood for the day
-feeling positive vibes today ever since deciding to get it together and make things happen and be positive for real again
-being in the mood to dance
-not caring what others think
-getting groceries today
-getting a new sports bra today
-new instagram likes and followers
-my job life and the prestige and glamour and all i have going for me
-things happening and making me look good
-feeling feminine but strong
-my cuteness and innocence
-indian food from the grocery store that's inexpensive and under 5 minutes to cook. damn. life is good.
-more and more vegetarian and vegan food options becoming available to the mainstream and just in general
-that i get to get a new rebounder today
-appreciation for abundance and good in best friend's life and the things i like
-determination to get into a more elaborate yoga pose i've been wanting to do
-business partner being so around lately
-stomach flattening out a little bit after having time of the month and slacking on fitness from blues about D thing making me not as good about things
-trying to stay strict on keeping diet clean
-my computer
-coming to a critical opinion about a D thing that is looking more and more likely but not letting my mind go crazy but just keeping my mind rational,yet aware
-feeling good and happy despite what's going on
-abundance
-appreciating what i do have
-doing a fairly decent job of keeping my mind detached,focused,and not thinking too much. sticking to new year focus
-how great things are going to get because i feel it,and i create my reality
-the possibilities
-healing
-my desires
-forgiveness
-my positive qualities
-loving myself

[buttercup]

-beauty
-water and drinking a lot of it today. two liters down so far
-inspiration
-D texted me today. It was weird. I cried before bed last night thinking i lost another thing,and he's gone for good and feeling like the universe can't me a break with things like this and how sad it is after all i've been through and the loss that i couldn't even get some small break and when i awoke i seen he texted me. just saying hi basically and he seemed distant taking longer to reply and then being elusive like he doesn't want to say what's up but just that he's doing really good so it's like he wants me to wonder. im guessing he either texted me feeling bad for me,or is cautious,or is just trying to hold onto me but doesn't really want me as much anymore. he even asked how has your week been pretty much acknowleding it's been awhile since we've talked so he knows what's up. im trying to be positive and just focus on the moment
-mason jars
-art
-photography and photos
-being a nonconformist
-my realizations again last night even about things i know better about and again throwing my tarot deck deep away and that's what realizations had to do with and expanded upon and made me a smarter person,i think for it. all the ways i'm learning,and growing,and in some ways becoming more logical but that's ok,too
-how pretty the snow is
-deciding to blog about my realizations even if they were wacky
-looking slim today and stomach looking nice despite slacking this week.i guess my body bounces back quick on this plan
-getting decisive about what to get done today
-rebounding workout i did and how great it stretches me out and how good it makes me feel
-coffee
-colors
-my artist mindset
-knowing good things are coming workwise and that i'm about to have some amazing success
-the industries iwork in and the creativity and craziness of it. the avant-garde and the fun
-wellness
-forgiveness
-perspective
-the glamour in my life
-clearing,clarity,and healing misperceptions i have about things in various things from beauty to other people and so on
-being a woman
-acknowledging my feelings
-my authenticity
-my smarts
-things that are fun

[buttercup]

-delicious chocolates
-water and drinking lots of it
-mason jars
-a nice rebounding workout
-amazing music and remixes that make you want to move
-taking back my power and being positive and utilizing my affirmations and staying disciplined
-meditations
-deciding to go a different route with my hair change coming up of instead of going to a salon which is just seeming way complicated schedule wise and considering how much i like to do things myself instead of having them done when i can and that i've been researching a bit,i am going to color my hair myself and figuring out the ideas and plan of what i'm going to do and knowing that most services we pay for,are things one can do themselves
-my unique personality
-knowing i need to love myself more and working on it consistently
-acknowledging my feelings of insecurity when i feel them,and feelings of sadness
-that attractive guys like me
-my style
-how lovely and young,and european my face looks
-getting back on track with things being back to normal
-having a little timeline of what i'll do today,that i haven't done yet
-talking to friend,and realizing D has changed for me,and naturally because of me since we first started talking and that says something and is surely not a coincidence. little things from how he doesnt seem to use the social app as much anymore,and how after we clarified we do like each other in november and became facebook friends again,he stopped posting things like getting drinks and even social-wise since november he has pretty much only posted family pictures so i think it's a sign he's definitely been focused on me and i think even if he was multi dating,i'm the one he had his eye on,the one he wanted since the beginning and that says something.i think he wants me to feel good,that's the kind of person he is,but i also think he is the kind of person who wants to control and will manipulate for purposes of control.i definitely think i've changed and influenced him since the beginning which i like because he's just seemed to change in various ways since then.i also realize if i really want to meet my goal i've had forever now of an official relationship,maybe i need to compromise a bit,i just hope it's not too late. i'm thankful to have heard from D going into the new year now and he's got good sides like changing things when he knows something upsets me,and seeming to care that ifeel good and he knows so much about me already. it's a weird connection we have,it'd be too weird,and unfinished to end here.even when he thought i wasnt interested and kept being weird in late october-mid november,he still kept contacting me so clearly i was the one he's had his eye on.
-rose water face mist
-heat
-art
-getting focused again
-feeling more expansion,openness,and filled with possibility at what can happen for me
-nightlife
-dance
-all the weird signs last night
-doing ok with my goal of keeping my mind from overthinking too much and making some progress with it
-detachment from the opinions of others
-my flexibility
-feeling feelings of warmth,and love for some reason
-the positive changes i am embracing such as new work things and new hair,and new body. i may not be where i want to be with other goals i want to achieve,but i'm appreciating what i do have,and shifting my focus to faith in the other areas coming together
-knowing cool people
-that i create my reality,and can change my reality
-being authentic
-following my feelings
-sweaters
-being nice to myself
-coffee and how good it is
-allowing myself to transform
-being logically intuitive
-trying to see things in a positive light and with faith and surrender
-that i have a chance right now to do things differently,and have been. in past times,i'd go crazy inside at someone going away or when things were good,not really utilize my affirmations to keep things in a good direction,but now i have this chance to do that,and to not go crazy on the inside,and that's what i'm doing. maybe,this can be a different outcome then past times with guys

[buttercup]

-blogging it all out last night,a bunch of letting it out feelings about D.i don't care,i'll know he'll see it. either this us not talking will bring us closer or it'll really be the end,because there is no going back after what's happened with us. 12 days since we've been good with each other,2 days since we talked. still replaying memories in my mind,and songs i listen to that reminded me of me and him things. having a clear perspective on things that i should be angry,too. the flickers of i love him that keep coming up that seem to arise from the heart chakra,which is way weird. feeling more and more certain he's had me as the goal since the beginning and had deep feelings for me,too. maybe i'm even energetically feeling what he is feeling or was feeling and thats why the heart chakra whisperings.it's crazy one minute i'm like i don't want him,i cant stand him and the next i'm like i want him,i l--- him,which is clearly a sign of something deep. but maybe i'm crazy.i feel certain he had trouble waiting 5 days to text me,too it's like he couldn't go a whole week.i think he's purposefully keeping us in limbo.i think he doesn't want to let go of me,but doesn't know where to go from here,and also wants to hurt me.
-going tanning today
-texting with B everyday since we met.he has even said he is going to write me a song and give it to me when we hang out. he says he writes songs for fun. i don't want things to get messy but B is nice and seems to really like me,and D and I are in limbo and unclear with each other.unlike some people,i don't like to multi date,but this hasn't been my intention at all. it would not take much at all for D to get me to not see B,but the more and more I talk to B and see him,well,obviously things would only grow with B more and B is starting to grow on me a little. not a connection yet,but i'm starting to feel sweet feelings towards him. if D really likes me and doesn't want to lose me,i'd think he'd not wait much longer to work things out with me.i feel bad,because at this point it is a little complicated. it seems like i'm giving D an ultimatum after giving him pain,but that was not my intention,life just happens. what am i supposed to assume from all this? we both said it was over,and he seemed really serious about it when he said it,but then again,i did,too and even when he said who that girl was,i said okaybye. the next day,i explained myself and my wrongs,and he was distant,but then seemed like he was going to forgive me based on his twitter post and making me sext him. then he doesn't respond to my facebook friend request and after 3 days,i cancel it. he also doesn't text me again for 5 days,the longest he's gone without iniating contact and he knew it was long,too. i have no idea where we stand but he seems to be laying low according to social medias.i can see how he'd be confused,too,perhaps
-coffee
-water
-nice warm shower
-a place to live
-heat
-how pretty the snow is
-living in a nice big city
-weight going down a little bit again from the slacking off of last week. body bounces back super quick on this plan
-how pretty my face is
-how beautiful i can be
-the industry i work in and easy it is to make myself feel better,and use success to ease my pain and get payback on pain from others
-art
-rebounding workouts and how great it makes me feel,and stretches me out and good it makes my body look
-getting things done,decisons being made,and things happening
-empowerment
-love
-feeling good,positive,and faithful
-using this time to work on myself
-soft determination to better myself and progress
-knowing i'm amazing and a great catch as a friend,date,girlfriend,etc
-being a woman
-great quotes at the perfect time
-beauty products
-all the dejavu last night
-surrender to the moment,and moments of silence to just be
-rain boots
-femininity
-polarity
-my smarts
-mature understanding
-being sexy
-beautiful and interesting life moments
-romance
-emotions and feelings

[buttercup]

-my beauty
-my artist mindset
-art
-my imagination and dreamy side,and the visuals and metaphors and concepts that run through my mind
-my ideas
-that the men and things i love will always become muses in my life,they'll just have to deal with it
-my faith and positivity that D and i will work out,and he will talk to me likely tonight and we will talk things out
-my funny side,and my craziness. that i'm an interesting person
-perspective that is balanced. maybe D didn't really flirt with that girl,and i can see that being true,but also not denying it. it's ok to be uncertain at this point
-feeling love and being love and wanting to surrender
-coffee
-silence,breaks,coming back to myself
-feeling clean and new
-knowing my feelings are making no sense at all,and being aware of that
-being smart
-literature and classics
-my childish sides
-when D would call me baby,i loved that so much
-that D somehow understood a part of me that most maybe wouldn't and it felt good,the dynamics we were starting to play..it was sexy
-meditation
-getting travel booked for upcoming business trip that i'm super excited about
-my desires
-my femininity and girlish side
-things i enjoy
-blogging
-expression
-pictures
-photography
-photo editing apps
-water
-colors
-coming back to me and being more confident
-affirmations
-that i've been getting signs
-that i'm a romantic,and my romantic side. all my leo energy!
-all the new old photo options i have now from playing with apps on my phone
-my european looks
-reassuring myself rationally
-how great my lower back is starting to look from workouts
-that D did text me in the new year,right after i was upset about losing everything that ever comes to me,that meant something,and i know it. that was a sign
-that friends are putting up with me repeatedly talking about D and my back and forth feelings of anger and hurt
-my passion
-newness that is coming to me
-knowing what i want
-the sun shining today
-style
-beautiful stories
-kindness
-stretching

[buttercup]

-how pretty the snow is
-determination to be positive today. to keep D out of my mind today(besides mentioning him now in these posts)and to go a whole day without complaining. some slip ups,but felt vibe rise a bit earlier when starting it,so will keep it up
-laughing at the insane weather,and the idea of anyone trying to hurry up and go on dates this week. it was -1 degrees yesterday and now it looks like a snowstorm practically. laughing at life
-meditation and intuitive feelings coming to me during and also in mundane moments that D and i aren't done,and he will be contacting me by and the date i had in my head of that. realizations and reflections on life. quiet and space to just be,and see what's unfolded. appreciation for what was,though it does kill me how hindsight always makes one appreciate things more. there is no going back with me and D. something happened.as always,one moment someone is new and an interesting stranger and before you know it,a connection is forged and there is no going back.i feel in all my heart me and him are not done,i feel i will see him before this month is over,and i feel it in a way that is different then in the past when i knew things would work out,and it just blew up in my face with being wrong,i don't know how this feels different,though.if i can even avoid mentioning D to anyone today,that will be progress in the law of detachment,so that will be moreso my goal then keeping him out of my mind,though that is goal,too
-booking something for my first job today. my first press of the new year
-rereading my texts again before bed with D from the last day of our really awful fight,and feeling like he wasn't so kind,and i wasnt quite as crazy seeming as i thought,and i tried making good with him and seeming to apologize. and it just again made me feel like i'm trying hard for someone who is a jerk and who has done a lot of jerk things to me yet treats me like i'm awful villain. i'm glad to have the perspectives balanced and to even know i tried,because later on down the line,i won't regret it,then whereas other times,i wondered could i have done more
-coffee
-water
-sweaters
-heat
-a place to live
-breaks
-being easy on myself
-all the career things going for me which is solace right now. major solace
-catching myself in complaints and turning it around
-the tools at my disposal to raise my vibration and turn things around
-my upcoming job on sunday
-that any moment is a chance to turn things around
-affirmations
-notebook and pen
-how quick one can become happy
-a day and half since using tarot cards! doing good with that,i just wasnt even tempted because of not just that they are negative,but that they're not accurate. anything can be real,if you believe it so,so choose the DESIRABLE perception
-rationality
-my desire to dance
-my sexy body
-my phone data being back so i can go on instagram again
-beauty, and unique beauty
-being able to laugh at life
-how amazing this year is going to be for career
-how really really close i am actually to love goals manifesting,i've just been not appreciating and shutting the blinders to it to really see it
-my sex appeal
-the glamour in my life,and the glamour coming this year
-decisons for how im aiming this year to go career-wise
-being able to be happy for others from my past,like exes,and see their purpose in my life,even if it feels a little sad,i can just feel detached and ok
-how long my hair is
-how attractive i can be
-having model beauty
-happiness,being centered,and faithful
-laughing at life
-realizations with friends that make me laugh,and feel more certain and decisons i make to keep things certain to go well
-how skinny my body is getting
-feeling more feminine,womanly,and delicate by losing the little bit of weight,and even embracing my height
-my dancer's poise
-using my pain to have faith and be inspired
-focus
-determination
-embracing the darkness of life
-my realness
-loving myself,accepting myself,and forgiving myself
-changing my reality
-the possibilities i feel within me
-the test last night that came that i got through,and feel stronger now for getting through it
-all the appreciation for D traits i have now. it's like he is in me. it's crazy! i really wonder about that since we never had sex.i find myself missing being texted random pictures. which is weird,since that used to be one of the things i found weirdest about him,and now i find myself missing it and almost wishing to receive pic texts from people

[buttercup]

-a delicious vanilla muffin for first meal of the day with a delicious hot coffee from my favorite grocery store cafe
-how good i feel today for some reason
-that despite that it's been 6 and a half days,i still feel like D and I aren't done and will still work it out. it literally makes no logical sense now for me to believe this,but i feel a calm certainty within that doesn't even feel forced,like i can't just shake it. am i in denial? am i crazy? i don't know,because we've never gone this long without speaking yet my faith still strong.i also don't even feel that antsy,either.
-weird sign i got that seemed like D possibly trying to get my attention with social check in app two days ago.he made a thing that sends a group message out saying dancing at so and so place this friday. why do that though? he's never done that before,why not just check into the app? why do something that will shoot a notification to my phone vs something that won't. in all my years of having the app,i don't think i've ever had that happen before,maybe besides like once. also,he claimed he doesn't like dancing and hates clubs so it seemed like something that he was doing that to get my attention. besides that,D seemed to have started moving on since mid last week if i were to judge by his social media things. he is posting more now based on the things i can see,but also he is posting more on the social check in app,one of the places we are friends on that he could use to get my attention without texting me,so i do wonder about that,too. can't forget after all,that that's how i first grabbed his attention was way back in august my phone accidentally liking a bunch of his posts,so that app is a part of our story,just an unspoken part.i also seen him posting on twitter about obsessive compulsion,it had to do with something technology but still i had post about ocd a week and half ago on my blog so it's like he's in me,and we are influencing each other from afar. i wonder if the little things that keep making me think of him,if he is having the same thing happen to him.
-getting the feeling that he does want me back. also,slipped and started using tarot again,just not as much,and there is a shift in the readings. they now in the last few days are showing warmer feelings,more healed,and more wanting me back and positive outcome. so,i do literally wonder if he just wanted his space,and after reading my blog about him losing his chance,if it left him more unsure where we stand even though i said very intense positive things,too
-the song B wrote me. he had been working on it all week. not well written and way fluffy. he sounds like he is in love with me and like i'm perfect. it's super sweet,though.i had thought it'd be more silly and sweet and flattering but instead it's like an intense love letter making me out to be beautiful in every way,virtuous,and he'll never stop fighting for me,and we should go somewhere together on vacation,and how unique i am,etc,etc i was very shocked and there was much giggling.
-the picture last night i took before B gave me the song since he said he'd rather email it to me after so he let me take a pic of the document of it saying song for 'my name'
-that I went out with B last night. It was freezing temps,and awful weather and i didn't feel anything with him. no spark.but, i think i needed to go. for my own healing and to just be out,and to experience someone else. B was kind of nerdy and not as smooth but he was sweet. i was able to differentiate things and ask myself questions from the experience such as,am i being too hard on guys as i get older/too picky? with D,after our first date,i realize i did feel something with him after,compared to with B. i wasn't sure if i felt spark with D after our first date,but now i realize i did.i think all the incompatibilties blocked out my radar on that and so i wasn't sure if D and i had chemistry until our 2nd date.
-that after not liking the place we went to at first with B,something amazingly hilarious in my eyes happened,i looked at my social check in app to find a different place for us to go closeby,and seen that just a few blocks away,was the place D checked into on wednesday that made me slightly insecure wonder if he was on a date so i thought we should go there and how hilarious it would be for me to check in there now,as a way to get back at him for that notification that got sent to my phone the day previous about going dancing at so and so place. so,i did. and the place was nice.i liked it a lot. very trendy and hipster and reminded me so much of D and it made me miss him more. and think how much i'd enjoy being there with him.
-how amazing and beautiful i looked last night. everytime i went to the bathrooms,i looked in the mirror and was very appreciative of wow,i'm the most attractive girl in here. losing the small amount of weight i have in the last month and half has made me look much more attractive. tall,thin,nice sexy curves,great style,and my face had a nice tanner look and makeup that i finally am really enjoying after experimenting lately.it made me feel even more certain that B really was on a date with a prize. :)
-that B did something that is small but to me,was really sweet and I enjoyed,he offered to drive me home! he drives. living in a big city,most guys do not. so,i do not even expect to get a ride home or picked up anymore which is one of many hassles of modern dating so when at the end of the night,he sweetly said that he was thinking since he drove,he'd like to drive me home,if that was ok with me,i said yes and felt my heart swoon a little. so weird such a small gesture can make you so happy. that was probably the thing that made me happiest.i thought it was sweet the way he asked,too. B and I did kiss,i could tell he was too nervous to even try and kiss me during the night,and so he waited until we arrived in front of my house,i had tried giving subtle signs he could if he wanted earlier in the night,but it was obvious he didn't even know how to do the approach.
-B also has shown signs he thinks of me a lot with things,which is cute,like he'll find out im into something and googles it,i think that is cute.on our date,he asked something about vegan sushi and said he tried googling it this week if there was vegan sushi in 'my city' but wasnt sure how accurate it was and was googling in front of me showing the results he got,i thought it was cute that he seemed to want to try and find a sushi place we could both eat at.
-roommate wanting me to leave for awhile,so went shopping by myself today. felt good to do and was good for me.i had too much fun finding all kinds of fun,random things and cute, valentines day seasonal stuff coming up that got me excited and took pictures of it for my own amusement and for instagram. i love valentines day so much so always get so excited when the seasonal stuff for that comes out. it's one of the few holidays i don't despise.
-finding the perfect clothing item for a job tomorrow,but it wasn't my size,so went a size up,but it still looked like it'd fit,so compromising on my ego and got it anyways.
-finding at the grocery store my favorite indian food back in stock again
-beautiful purple flowers and how lovely the intense color is,and loving them even though one was wilted,i decided to love it even more
-lollipops i bought for my job tomorrow
-positive looks i get from men that they find me attractive and charming
-a curvy backside that i'm embracing
-how beautiful my nails and hair have gotten in the last 6-8 months since changing my diet
-best friend being in a good cheerful mood
-business partner putting up with all my talking about D stuff
-my job tomorrow and how well i know it is going to go
-my list of things lightening a bit and handling all the things coming my way
-water
-mason jars and how great they even make flowers look.i think i prefer my flowers in mason jars versus traditional vases now!
-the appreciation i have for some of D's traits now..even some of the ones that used to annoy me or i'd find weird. i miss being sent random pictures and maybe even him being a hipster isn't so negative,and i can be one,too.
-how much D seems to be in me now and how interesting that is,finding out that place i went with B was a few blocks from D's house apparently(i randomly googled)and on the way home,B and I even drove past D's job. it was quite weird. being right in D's scene and even best friend and I make jokes today saying so and so looks like D
-that I will just do the toning i didn't get to yesterday,and do it today in addition to my regular toning since i have a job tomorrow and want that to be my focus tonight
-quotes i love
-my personality traits,and tastes in things,my quirks and things that make me,me
-feeling wanted and desirable
-getting a start on new business venture yesterday and sending out emails
-B hinting that our mutual friend E does like me(have/had a crush) and hinting at gossip E said about me when B asked him what my deal was when B was angry at me for running away from him the night of the party
-the deep sleep i got
-getting a little money yesterday from 2nd job
-that it was warmer tonight
-night skies
-best friend and I being in silly moods tonight
-feeling confident and content that several certain things in life will work out
-feeling more detached from D. it's so weird. usually,i'd be more attached by now but telling myself it'll work out. a part of me does wonder if he wanted me to chase him after my wrongs. but,i sincerely felt the best way for us to have a chance at healing was to give him space.
-not rushing some things and being ok with some things having to wait a little longer
-lovely,thoughtful comments from mentors/early supporters that make me feel good
-beautiful ideas
-the wonderful newness coming to me

[buttercup]

-hummus
-foods that require no cooking
-doing my job today and it going well
-new inspiration from job
-really liking the makeup from job and getting new behind the scenes selfie i liked
-feeling really pretty today
-things that make me giggle
-laughing at life
-embracing my crazy side somewhat
-sweets like lollipops
-me,my personality,interests,and things that make me me
-facing my fears today and doing things i haven't done in awhile that are liberating for me
-my style
-my beauty
-my job and the glamour in my life
-my power
-a photographer i can work with consistently when i need to. had wanted that for so long back in the early days and now have that and have for a few years now and that we've worked together still after all these years
-not taking life as serious these days after all i've been though
-my knowledge
-my job title
-my beautiful purple flowers
-that things are coming together with new years goals i set in motion
-best friend looking attractive and being so calm and relaxed seeming today
-getting a ride to my job today and home
-people who are kind and chivalrous,make efforts to be polite and look after others
-talking about guys at the job today
-feminine energy
-stomach getting flatter,though not yet where i want it to go
-colors
-people who try and make others feel good and bring out their best
-technology
-as faithful as i've been,which is so weird,but i still feel like it'll all workout
-another hit of intuition that D will contact me either tomorrow or the day after. could be wrong since the last one was but i think the reason the last one didn't happen is because reality is everchanging and i did something to change that outcome,by deciding to make a check in at that bar saturday night he had went to on wednesday.
-learning that everybody is crazy,weird,and embarrasses themselves and has drama. the more i talk to people,the more i realize everyone is a little f----- up,and that's why you should not worry so much,just be the best you can be,and be easy on yourself
-that everyone seems to agree based on what i've said about D that i should let him go,he sounds really bad. i don't want to,but am glad others are on my side in seeing i'm not a villain
-my hair and how thick and long and healthy it is
--my desires
-being in the moment,reflecting,and just trying to be ok with trusting life
-calmness
-being positive and enjoying the little things
-trying to be more rational and logical and not overthinking things so much
-being productive yet relaxed
-being humble but confident
-being real
-understanding paradoxes and the abstract well
-forgiveness

[buttercup]

-discovering new dreamy,moody music
-supporting others
-having an emotional breakdown and anxiety and allowing myself to so i could release and acknowledge feelings and acknowledging today was weird and off
-poetry,metaphors and living life like it's a poem
-reflection
-cardio workouts
-feeling clean
-nourishing food
-going for a nice,short walk today and how mind clearing it was and that i listened to my feeling to go for a walk
-positive signs and dreams
-when the souls i love,show up in my dreams
-newness in my life,new work things,new photos,new hair coming up,new things i am doing and taking on,etc,etc
-eyeglasses
-attractive men
-getting work done
-things that describe me so much and knowing myself,and learning more about myself and others
-asking for what i want,even if it may annoy others
-my style
-art
-the spiritual
-deciding to focus inward and focus on healing emotionally,since i actually don't think i have since..the last 2 weeks..
-my funny side and crazy side
-things that amuses me and things that are cute
-forgiving myself
-realness
-appreciation for the logical and the abstract
-new ideas
-loving myself,my craziness,my feminine
-makeup
-things to focus on for this year for evolving
-having model beauty
-clothes fitting looser today
-expansion
-love,even in it's breakdown. and being love,love being the goal,and evolving to love
-creativity
-beauty
-beautifying life
-trying to see the positives
-maturity
-people to talk to
-freedom
-healing
-wellness
-cleansing and rejuvenating
-awareness
-my positions in life

[buttercup]

-delicious new foods i tried cooking for dinner today that i've never made before and it turning it out well. baked potatoes and vegan sloppy joes. and lots of sloppy joes left since the box makes quite a bit. will be making more of both of these things again,definitely!
-looking at B's song he wrote for me and thinking about it when i feel like feeling good,it's so awfully written but flattering regardless as it sounds like he'd do anything for me and that i'm the perfect package and will spoil me. it makes me feel good.
-not giving up on my goals
-feeling really inspired for my first career to really focus on it this year and enjoy it
-my desire to travel more
-chakra healing music helping bring me to a new place of healing from D stuff
-feeling detached from D now.i look at his picture,and it's just a picture now. it's quite weird. and,realizing as great as passion was and the feeling of possibility,i did complain about him so much,and could do better.
-cracking up laughing at drafts business partner sent to me and the jokes that came from it with me and her and us both giggling about it
-deciding to try and give B more of a shot,and try and see if maybe he can be someone i like. he is clingy,though.i liked how D wasn't so clingy,in ways,at least. B had brought up seeing me about 3 times in the last few days,and i felt he was hinting at me trying to tell him when but didn't know how yet,then today asked when can we hang out so i asked about next week and he responded saying damn,am i that busy and so i said we could squeeze in this week and now we have plans for that.i had wanted to focus on other things,and possibly take a class but,idk i caved and said yes. we are going to go to a cocktail bar i've been wanting to try known for great mixology drinks.
-a follow up from a business contact from first career about doing work together
-going tanning today
-feeling very loving and spiritual,and detached in the last 24+ hours and observing life and how other's lives are changing and how it can be sad when things don't go the way they seem meant to,but that it really is all ok in the end and things never end and always come back around
-the amazing theta intention setting exercise i did last night before bed
-getting more confident asking for things
-my amazing best friend
-ideas coming to me
-making decisons
-getting work done,and when work piles up on me three times as much,deciding to just accept i'll do what i can,and the rest can wait until tomorrow
-learning new things
-being easy and accepting of myself
-my beauty
-how wanted men make me feel
-focusing on good moments that make me feel good such as B implying E(our mutual friend and how we met) has a crush on me. it just feels good to be wanted
-deciding to focus on goals and healing and just feeling good and that it'll all be ok,and things in life just aren't that serious. after all i've been through,i know this too shall pass and to keep flowing with life and staying detached because seperation is really just an illusion
-beautiful songs
-feeling my feelings
-how great it is when dishes are already clean when i want to make a meal
-lollipops and how great it is to have a sweet treat reminding me of childhood
-amazing creations and all the cool things people/souls create
-perspective and hope that maybe i'm not doing as bad as i think i am in the love department. maybe it's ok that another guy didn't make it past the 3 month mark and maybe this year will be a lot of dating for me,and more learning and experiencing and that,that's ok,too and maybe what i need more of. and,maybe i am really close to a relationship,who knows,but that i need to perhaps try a little less hard. maybe internally,i'm pushing too hard against it,and just need to completely let go and just be. and,to stop comparing myself to other's paths that i imagine theirs to be like. everyone is on their own unique path.
-to be able to smile. and to smile on the inside.
-seeing the positive sides of things
-feeling motivated
-the love in my heart
-my desire to read/watch more metaphysics/quantum physics/spirituality things to raise my vibration and immerse in the spiritual side of things more again
-my kind heart
-getting work done today
-doing some cleaning today
-appreciation and love for myself
-trust that i'll be ok and am where i need to be
-how loving i feel and ok
-the new additions to my wardrobe as i improve upon it

[buttercup]

-feeling good.even when it seems why would i,but genuinely feeling good
-my desires
-lovely music that is healing,dreamy and takes you away
-style
-my taste
-a nice dinner
-a nice short walk today
-my relaxed motivation
-allowing myself to change without trying too hard to do so as if out of spite to feel better,be better
-getting a work task done tonight that i've been putting off
-beautiful flowers
-that my beautiful business partner asked me to pick some vegan purses out i like and that she is sending them to me .i feel inadequate to her kindness
-feeling beautiful
-being feminine
-all the wonderful things out there,creations,things to do,explore,etc,etc
-waking up earlier today,though i felt dead tired,i also couldn't sleep no longer
-spiritual kind of love
-the love i feel in my heart
-smiling,and the inner smile i feel
-re-realizing and perspective
-the cute aqua colored sports bra i am wearing,and the bright little burst of color it is giving me winter wardrobe which brightens my mood
-colors and color therapy. wearing aquas and purples,purple flowers,desire to add more pink into my life
-instagram
-wonderful ideas and potential things to come
-detachment
-things i'm excited for in the future

[buttercup]

-how hard my teeth and nails feel and how shiny and soft and strong my hair feels
-water and drinking a lot of it today
-mason jars
-inspiring videos
-instagram
-coffee
-the ability to taste
-beautiful pictures and art
-how good i feel,it's like someone put a feel good spell on me or gave my drugs
-me,and who i am and what i can offer
-crystal singing bowls music to slow my mind down
-the things i am learning to better and evolve myself
-getting some things done today and today not being as busy and not rushing myself
-starting strength training earlier today
-a nice short walk outside
-rest and laying down
-sleeping later then usual i don't know why but maybe it was needed
-not needing to get more food during the week because there was plenty at home
-best friend saying B looks attractive and like someone girls would like,he never says this about any guys i date,so that means something. he usually thinks guys i date are ugly and what do i see in them. he also said B doesn't look like he'd have any trouble getting girls. so,that was all interesting and made me think
-feeling determined,but softly so,not in a harsh exhausting to achieve kind of way,but a calm,i've got this way
-ideas and decisons that come to me to focus in on how to get what i want done and when and how
-feeling like love
-clothes fitting looser today
-healing and wellness
-physical activities
-things to look forward to
-confidence growing
-affirmations
-my 2nd career and the great,stylish,hot talent i curate
-being in the buzz of what's cool
-learning things about what i like and what i want
-detachment and not taking things so seriously
-my first career and the glamour in it,my achievements and prestige,and taking it further this year compared to the last 2-3 years. my intention is to get back to a new peak,perhaps 2011 at least. after 2011,it went down a little. 2012 was still excellent and new peaks,but by 2013 i focused more on 2nd career and 2014 this year was so hard with pain
-how early it still is
-my desire to be liberated and face my fears and do more liberating things,such as more of one certain thing with first career

[buttercup]

-stress release and releasing of resistances
-coffee
-hot tea
-pictures of B to look at to remind myself he is attractive. though,i'm still confused about some things,such as why he's so nervous and seemingly inexperienced if he is,i am curious to figure out more. giving it one more chance to see how attractive he is and interesting,otherwise,i'm going to let this go. all the pics i took of him from the party,he is very photogenic and in his candid and tagged pics on facebook that are super recent he is very attractive looking so am wondering what the deal is as to why he seemed less attractive in person. hoping it was his nerves and the weather,and also as friend said,my radar perhaps blurred from D stuff. it is weird,though,as ever since J from my past and I ended,i feel i am much pickier towards men and finding them not as attractive and my radar is blurred as to what's even attractive anymore. like,i know,but am more eh a little bit,likewise,i've also been more critical on my own looks,and others in general since the same year J and I ended,so it's interesting and something that makes me wonder. surely,even i look less attractive in extreme weather and last time we went out weather was extreme,combine that with his nerves and seeming lack of experience,it's not a wonder that i saw him as less physically attractive.
-bubblegum flavored lipbalm
-new inspirations
-how dreamy and imaginative i feel lately
-a protein rich dinner
-my body starting to sculpt and slim again
-the release that came from crying and letting it all out after fight with best friend that triggered other feelings including D things
-the amazing loud couldn't be controlled it was too hilarious laughter with best friend about jokes I had come up with about D and everyone at the store turning to look at us because our laughing was so loud. that good laughter felt so good
-getting a little work done for 2nd career today
-getting my eyebrows threaded today
-delicious muffins i couldn't help but eat more then i should have of
-trusting my beauty more and seeing my beauty as just like a model's beauty
-doing errand for best friend and how nice that felt to get it done and help out
-instagram
-alternative healing methods using meditation and quantum healing
-smiling
-healing
-my desire to focus on my first career again and how happy it makes me to go back to that more
-music and being a music person. someone who gets into music moreso then cinema
-all the different types of guys i've dated,and my dating experiences. realizing i've had quite the adventures through my dating and some amazing thrilling things manifest. i hate to say it,but,i think i am opening up more to dating now and the joy of it.
-how wonderfully detached i feel
-honoring my pain
-my artist mindset
-my varied interests and unique personality
-laughing at life
-that i've been back on track with my fitness again
-rest,naps,and sleeping in later lately.
-my maturity
-my self-awareness
-heat
-that the weather will be warmer tomorrow
-learning more about my wants and who i am as a person
-positive psychology
-that even though my industry makes me very insecure,it makes me focus more on beauty then the average person and have a lot of beauty improving tools and things to keep myself attractive and helps keep me being above average in apperance
-softness
-an inner smile,and faith
-serendipity
-all the amazing things there are to do and explore
-forgiveness
-determination
-focus

[buttercup]

-water
-mason jars
-focusing on beauty and improving my beauty more and more,and how good that makes me feel
-creation
-art
-how dreamy and imaginative i am feeling lately
-being a passionate person
-how good i feel today and the genuine smiling and inner smile
-sleeping great and how well rested i look and feel today
-a protein rich breakfast with coffee
-the heart chakra sensations and feeling of bliss i was feeling today that was almost euphoric
-music and beautiful sounds
-the ability to taste and pleasures of tasting
-visuals and beautiful things to look at,and the ability to see
-how sexy my body looks. small,curvy,thin,and hourglass
-feelings and emotions
-understanding more in hindsight D had so many dealbreakers and that all is well right now.i'd still love to hear from him,but i'm ok and understand as a couple maybe it wouldn't have worked
-detachment
-colors
-sexual energy,lust,and attraction,and love in a sexual sense
-abundance
-things to look forward to
-enjoyment of the dramas of life
-all the inspiratons
-liberation and freeing myself from my fears and allowing myself to further in goals,and career ventures and be sexier
-my desires,and my desire to create
-how creative i feel lately. i am guessing my 2nd and 4rth chakras are very open with how i've been feeling
-affirmations
-positive questions to ask myself
-a girl i worked with long ago chatting with me a bit online
-how loving i feel and kind

[buttercup]

-crystal singing bowls music to slow my mind down
-a delicious dinner and all the new foods i try
-how open and balanced my 2nd and 4rth chakra are and how good that feels
-how high vibration i've been
-being completely healed and moved on from D
-getting a coffee and muffin today
-picking up a hair kit at the beauty store and going somewhere different today and how nice i enjoyed the place
-all the inspirations
-instagram
-date with B last night. and..........yep,i do like him! i knew yesterday would be deciding time,and as soon as i seen him i was like,ok he is attractive and he was less nervous this time and we had more of a mental connection. honestly,as mean as it sounds i even felt more attracted to him then i did to D in person. he's just less creepy,and makes me feel better about myself,and is physically strong,which is actually pretty hot.i love that he's more open and trustful seeming,like how he opens his phone to search things in front of me and opening his facebook in front of me.i like his funny stories like he did pushups in a bar when drunk once. it flatters me when he genuinely seems to keep thinking guys are checking me out and wanting to approach me and even when he looks surprised when i get insecure about things,he seems genuinely surprised like why would i be insecure and says something along the lines of me being perfect(don't remember exact words). i do still find his height kind of awkward with him being so tall but i am definitely attracted to him and can't possibly see what could go wrong.i feel like i caught a hidden gem. like,he's the guy who acts slightly nerdy and slightly awkward but is really hot like someone playing the part of a nerd but isn't a nerd.i also found out why he's only had 3 sex partners so feel better about,that too. he was a late bloomer and was really insecure and didn't have sex until he was 25 so that makes sense and is more normal then and even explains things about him. he is not perfect,but is someone i can very much consider boyfriend material.and,this may sound bad,but guys have thought the same of me in the past,so it just balances out,but his innocence makes me think he is someone i can mold,and teach(not in a manipulative way) which could be fun and interesting,too.i love how he says he acted crazy when i ran away from him the night we met because he "couldn't let it end like this." he also has a sense of humor that resonates with mine and we have similar tastes in music. he also has an honesty to him which i like.again,i can't possibly see what can wrong with this. he was also more dominant a little and take control this time which was nice.
-an amazing cocktail last night that was so good. a chocolate raspberry martini
-going to nice places and people watching and the nightlife and fun
-doing some of the extra toning i didn't get to last night and doing it today
-my eyes and how large they are
-new things to try and new ideas
-relaxation
-getting vacuuming done
-using tonight to get organized and centered
-how wonderful and nice my best friend is and how giving
-that my presents are on the way from other friend
-getting a picture tooken of me and B from a photographer while out last night. funny in the short time together me and B now have more pics then with D as D i only have selfies he sent me and i've now kissed B as many times as D if not more. still,D knows a lot more about me.all signs point to me and B being meant to be a relationship,and D being meant to be a distraction. just weird,as i felt a strong soul thing with D before.
-being a woman
-forgiving myself
-beauty
-newness
-exploration
-feeling young again and having fun. D said once i should embrace the winter love life. and,well now,i am,but with B. funny thing is,me and D were technically fall and ended right as winter started..
-vitamins
-healing
-releasing of resistances

[buttercup]

-solfeggio music for the chakras to help keep me grounded,centered and healed
-a nice dinner
-coffee
-acknowledging my feelings so i don't let them go crazy
-how over D i am,and into B i now am
-the story of me and B and how cute and funny it is
-water
-using setbacks with work to provide solutions to do it better next time
-accepting a loss
-music
-feeling healed and moved forward and in a new place now compared to december. it's crazy how much has changed.
-that i will have new hair color this week
-a class to register for
-giving myself a deadline to finish up project
-vitamins
-my hourglass body shape
-getting back to slim finally today and how good that feels and how it makes me feel younger and more feminine
-my model beauty
-knowing i am a great catch
-ideas to feel better,and improve my vibration since today was overall frustrating and my heart chakra is blocked from feelings of fear that now that i like b,what if something goes wrong
-my cheekbones and bone structure
-my face
-observation and awareness
-expression and release of feelings through blogging or writing

[buttercup]

-that i walked up to B and kissed him over 3 weeks ago. being that bold and causing that scene and to this day,look what it got me. awful D gone,and a guy who is more enjoyable,more attractive,and less drama. taking chances really does do me good!
-realizing everytime D did something awful to me,i used that to make something good happen,so i'm thankful for that. whether i used it to reconnect with R from my past,to make iniations with work goals,to contact A who was on my wishlist for something,or even kissing B,i really used every bit of pain D gave me to make my life better
-water
-mason jars
-hips getting more toned
-an amazing breakfast of coffee,banana,and french toast sticks
-being me,i love my randomness,my softness,my interesting enigma side.i love that i do things that will make men never forget me and stand out in their mind such as randomly walking up to them and kissing them and rocking their world
-living a sexy life
-that B didn't give up on me that night.i walked away from him after making out and hanging out for a bit,and he kept stalking me lol saying mean things to me and trying to ask what he did wrong. he was quite the creep. lol. and then he texted me in the middle of the night saying something mean,and by morning,i told him to be nice to me,and he was nice,and normal and i found out he's actually a sweet guy,and look where we are at now. and,him saying on our last date,he acted that way because he "couldn't let it end like this." lol. like he was on a mission to win back the prize. lol. so cute.
-realizing again why i date,and the fun of it. all because of B. realizing some of my greatest fun,and interesting adventures come from dating.i really hope B and I become official,and I think were headed there,but if not,he brought me to a good place,and for that i am grateful
-feeling in a much better mood today,at least at first,then i spazzed out. getting anxious about B and worrying what if something goes wrong or is going wrong and if something is different and there's another girl. deciding then to withdraw a little bit,and get back to me so i can think clearly and not project D things onto B.
-getting my hair job out of the way today
-finishing article today
-kava tea
-my favorite tea company
-things to do and explore
-affirmations
-saving that pic from the party of me and B that B had sent me back when we first started talking. it is not a flattering pic and we both look like happy young dorks,but i love it,because he is in it,and it's from that night,and he looks very attractive in it,and young,and happy and awkward. we look like teenagers.i love it.i really do like him a lot.
-going tanning today and getting those light vitamins
-despite my feelings for B now,realizing i am idealizing him a bit because i like him,and to step back and realize he is not so great,not in a mean way,but in a don't put him on a pedestal way and go crazy
-how over D I am,and how quickly it happened. all of a sudden within a few days,it was like boom,gone. no more attachment.i don't even find him attractive anymore and when i see his pics,i feel nothing,and visually think yuck. if he contacted me,i wouldn't even be interested,i'd tell B about it just so he knew.
-beauty
-how gorgeous my hair is
-calming down and logic and realizing when my thoughts are out of control and obsessive compulsive and others telling me so as well so i can see i'm being crazy and step back
-stretches
-that ever since I started buying myself flowers,i've attracted more love into my life. weird and interesting.

[CFTraveler]

I'm grateful for my life in general, and for the great job I'm going to get.

[buttercup]

-drinking a ton of water
-my mason jars
-sweet,ripe bananas and having them with my breakfast,fruits in general,vegetables,and potatoes tonight for a vegetable i'm eating.i love eating more fruits and vegetables and how much better it makes me feel and makes my nails and hair look.
-my body getting back to normal slimmed out again. took a bit but i'm there again
-letting a bunch of things out after feeling a surge of inspiration and telling B he is inspiring my work writing i have to do. he seemed happy about that and to let him know when and where we can hang out again and said he thinks about me everyday,too.i then told him more about how D brought us together really and just how beautiful life can be. and told him let me think about it and maybe so and so neighborhood. it felt good being honest and gushing a bit,since it's what i really feel and how i like to be.
-amazing invites in my inbox today that makes the work i do feel worth it
-having a high end life
-that i'm almost done with all the writings for the project and then can try and focus on my primary career more again
-everyone telling me how paranoid and obsessive i'm being with B fears and letting that calm me down to stop being crazy on the inside
-embracing my hair since i seemed to cut it funny,and maybe working with it more,and to keep going until i got something i like
-confidence in my ability to do some things myself
-being able to cook
-having my own apartment
-my cat being in my dreams again. :) though,it worries me when she tries eating snakes in the dreams. friend says she is trying to be my protector...and,in fact,i can kind of seeing that being true now..and it's quite interesting as i've said before if she was still here,a snake would've never came into my last apartment and since my beliefs are she is still here,death is just a change,and my dreams make me feel close to her still,and i believe dreams are very connected to the reality we live in,and may be simply another reality,i in fact,quite like this,it's very interesting,and interconnected
-coffee and french toast sticks and always having a breakfast i love every time i awake
-a great cardio workout
-hot tea and how good it makes me feel. i love kava tea
-beautiful things and inspiration
-femininity
-how slimmed out my body lines are looking
-my best friend
-my business partner and closest female friend
-the surge of positive energy i felt while doing my writing and getting a base done and all the ideas that came to me
-tibetan singing bowls music to slow my mind down and calm me down to balance my very excited mood
-being a 'first job title.'
-my taste in things
-being someone of value
-the ethereal and esoteric
-beautiful,loving sounding music that takes me away,gets me focused,and healed and feeling amazing
-feeling so filled with possibility
-all the opportunities this year has waiting for me
-being a woman
-animals and my love for them
-my beautiful soul
-being ok with myself despite what haters may think
-healing
-feeling open
-dreaminess,and fantasy
-someone getting back to me about something work related
-beauty products
-wonderful reflection that's come about
-awareness

[buttercup]

-things seeming back to normal with me and B not that they were ever abnormal,i don't think,but just my mind paranoid
-getting the last writing of project 20 done and what a relief that is and now to focus on other things and release project 20 in a day or two
-plans with B tomorrow
-water
-mason jars
-being a woman
-being tooken care of
-my face
-getting a donut for a treat later on tonight
-kava tea and how amazingly good it is
-hot tea in general and how good it is
-learning and understanding myself and my lifestyle and why some things will be more difficult
-acceptance of my body
-my great hourglass but slender curves
-my curvy backside
-my lower back and middle lower back obliques area getting slimmer
-fitness and how great physical exercise feels
-being a great writer
-being an interesting person
-music
-rest
-organization
-faith
-my beauty
-optimism and beautiful spirit
-child-like spirit
-best friend dropping about half his classes now from the neighborhood that's far south and not a great neighborhood
-deep breathing
-how beautiful and interesting the moon looked tonight
-high protein foods
-best friend considering giving up eggs or at least eggs that are visible(as in foods you can see have eggs but if you can't see it such as cake,still eating it)
-living in a big city
-my ideas
-my goals
-my motivation
-my desires
-feeling good and clean
-pillows
-laying down
-spiritual healing music and the abundance of different tracks to help with different healing aspects
-B keeping in touch with me tonight
-fashion and style
-my inner lifecoach
-living a life of style

[buttercup]

-Last night going so amazing. What happened was yesterday afternoon B and I had a fight and i told him we were done because i suspected some things. He told me it's not true and explained why and so far,i'm buying it or at least trying to. I also told him,besides that,that i want him to act like he likes me and kiss me,and like he wants to have f--- me,and that that's why i was done with him. We worked it out,after he accused me of being nuts for things i accused him of and explained him self. I then said fine i'd see him tonight and he said thank you and that he's a good guy and is innocent. He then said we'll talk and that so and so time i said is good. We met up,and he kissed me right away,which he never does and we made out a lot,the whole night,it was amazing.In the beginning he explained himself to prove he is innocent with the things i accused him of and acted like he was going to show me and started to show me a couple of things but i didn't seem to care so he stopped with one of them because i don't want that controlling kind of relationship where he shows me everything. He was also massaging me,and touching me a lot and it really,really,really turned me on. He is very sexy. He's like my sexy nerd. I also brought up the two questions i had because at the beginning of the night,he still seemed awkward and innocent despite iniating kisses. I said i want to know when we can have a relationship and that i wanted to be public with it and explained my thoughts on that and sex. He said he had been thinking about it ,too,the last few days,the relationship thing,and the sex thing,especially with what i said today earlier and said he got mixed signals from me because i told him not to show my picture to his friends last week. He also said one girl he'd go on like 8 dates with her and she'd refer to him as a friend and also just not seem to want more then sex.He then went to the bathroom without really answering me about the relationship thing,but then again technically i don't think he answered about sex,i just had less emphasis on the sex in my mind. When he came back,he said his friends invited him to a birthday at this place and he asked if i wanted to go. I was nervous but we agreed to make out lots and be pda and make a scene. He seemed really excited about that and very eager for me to meet his people. So,off we went. And,i met his friends. He did introduce me by name. :)I met his best friend who had a date with him and he was really nice and some of his other friends. The females were mostly not nice to me and kept acting really strange. They started behaving towards him unlike they ever have such as groping him and saying flirty things towards him. I later found out from him that they told him they liked me and was a great catch and really attractive. One of the females before that told me she liked me and tried telling him while she was by me. She also told me B is superficial but super sweet. I told him she said he's superficial and he was confused why she would say that. I found it flattering though that meant he is picky. http://loveadviceforum.com/images/smilies/smile.png We made out a lot in front of his friends,him holding me tightly,hand holding,him kissing me and picking me up while kissing me.I talked to his best friend for a minute while B went to the bathroom and said i liked B and thought he was he was really authentic and before that he said he's the one B turns to for advice and i kinda took that as a hint and made a joke and said i see and that's when i said that,and then he said he likes me a lot,and that B told him. so it was confirmed he talks about me which i already knew and me and B both admitted we told our friends about each other that night too. His friend also asked why didn't i join them on new year's even which showed B had been talking about me since the very beginning.

B said those females were being really weird towards him and he has no idea why and that they're never like that and he thinks it's because of me and because i'm very attractive. I have a feeling they're not used to seeing him have a girl with him.Apparently,they groped him like 3 times. I told him i thought that was very rude of them to do. He was like a different person,seeing him in his scene and also being more bold making out with me a lot. He seemed a lot more confident. He then asked me to go back to his place back to his place and I said yes but no sex. We only made out a lot. I was very turned on but didn't want to have sex. I know he really wanted to and was disappointed we didn't but i felt with the fights we had,and things still being unclear that we should wait. He said something about next week during passionate making out,and i said very likely we would. It felt like having a boyfriend and felt so good. He turns me on so much and is very sexy. He has such a weird dork-ish sense of humor and is strong,and sexy.the words we seeing each other have officially been used by both of us,too. In our fight before we seen each other,he said he is not dating or sexting or texting or facebooking or twittering anyone else or any of the garbage. One thing came up that we kinda had slight arguing and tension about but he explained himself so i'm trying to trust him. I'm really super turned on by him,and now things in that department have heated up,he is showing me to friends and saying he's not seeing anyone else,which had already been implied since the beginning but also saying the words seeing each other sounds nice. :) i like how he did say while we were making out intensely that "i want you to be mine." He also admitted early in the night before our making out got heated and when he was till a little shyer and more sober that as bad as it sounds it actually turned him on for me to be so jealous earlier when we had fought. I love how he holds me really tight when we are making out,i find it so sexy. He also likes to play like he's not going to let me go,doing play wrestling and making me squeal all girl-ish but then when he accidentally has like my teeth hit head he quickly stops and ask are you ok super concerned about it and apologizing. He also seems to like to make fun of and tease my girlyish side sometimes.Like he kept teasing how i said ew about something that had to do with an injury and soccer. He also said he was making out with me more when i said he is like a new person because he took the cues from the messages i sent and picked up on what i want from that because he didn't know that's what i wanted before but now he did.His height was officially not an issue tonight,either despite wearing shorter heels. idk why,he just didn't seem so over tall,it seemed just right. He turns me on more then any guy in awhile has,his smell,his build,how he kisses,and his personality. he is really good at making out. i like his slightly bossy and possessive side. we seem closer today,too. i texted him things before i fell asleep feeling still distrusting and when he awoke and answered he at the end said "lastly what are you doing awake at 7:30 am" like he was third degreeing me. I explained i went online for a few minutes and showered and that i sometimes have trouble sleeping when i drink a lot and then he got sweet on me telling me i should take a nap and saying it's odd i showered so late and calling me ms.beautiful. this is going to develop into something really good,i can tell.i am enjoying him so much.i also like we now seem to have a set every saturday night seeing each other thing since he's said those are the nights he prefers since friday is when he likes to relax from work week and is tired and sundays he works early the next day.it feels like i have a boyfriend and it feels wonderful. :) i like that he's not even the slightest bit aggressive about sex.i like that when i left he kept making out with me in the doorway and holding me tightly not letting me leave. I've met his friends now and they like me,we are using the words seeing each other,have it official that were not seeing or pursuing others,are now making out a lot and i laid my cards out on the table of what i want,and he seems to want the exact same. he is so yummy. i love his preppy,sporty side,and having similar interests in fun.the mental connection. that i see myself in him. his weird awkwardness like how he just says things that are just why would you say that.I also like how he kept saying my name throughout the night a lot. he had never done that before,he usually doesnt really say my name at all.
-going to fun places last night with B and being out and about with B
-being shown off by B,it was so fun and him dancing with me and holding me tightly,holding hands,and picking me up while making out with me
-water
-mason jars
-attracting a guy who is more in alignment with what i deserve and desire
-a response for new career venture this year that made me so excited because i seen it on accident online vs checking email and it making me so excited i almost passed out,not literally,but it made my heart swell.i think my raised vibration from B attracted this, it was so validating as i was losing hope early on in this venture but seeing that made me feel like i can have this as a new way to make primary income so it was super exciting
-booking a job for first career for Feb which is nice i set the intention to book one for Feb to get the ball moving a little more
-my beauty
-being a -----(first career title)
-confidence to just post a picture if i want to and not care what others think
-changing facebook pictures from being bored of what i had
-my fashion sense and style
-B complimenting my hair last night,i didn't think it was that different but did blog about changing my hair. it was sweet of him.
-my body getting back to thin again,flatter stomach,smaller chest,leaner looking silhouette,very happy aboutthis.
-how great my lower body looks
-how amazing i feel and my positivity
-my kind heart and helpful,nurturing side
-being a woman and my femininity
-how attractive i am
-nice places
-project 20 just about done
-going shopping today,getting things like orange juice,black opaque tights,and beauty products i'm excited about and that will be helpful
-realizing i'm even able to be more patient about a label if i know B and i are seeing each other every week,and only each other,and he's being trustworthy and not acting like he doesn't want a label or to be public. i realize now it'll happen and everything is on the right track and date 1 my radar was blurred with D so waiting until 4rth or fifth date may be ok.as long as i can do other things,like count on him,and if i wanted take pictures together and stuff like that,what's the difference then really. it feels as if we are moving in that direction and coming out with it little by little and that us is becoming less and less of a secret,not that it ever was one,but it's becoming more obvious we have something to others as well.
-B making dating fun again and how happy i am with him
-best friend considering and feeling torn about giving up eggs,he really wants to and it's starting to really affect him emotionally as he is driven closer to give up another animal product from his diet
-techno music
-my face
-fun
-my ideas and motivation
-things coming together
-that guys really do listen to what you want,you just have to tell them what you want or give them some cues instead of playing games about it acting like you don't want it. guys are more straightforward and learning in my experiences that when you finally give them cues,they quickly put them into action but when you give them mixed signals,you slow things down

-

[buttercup]

-the story that's unfolded between me and B. it's beautiful and i want to shout it to the world. tomorrow marks one month since we met and from here on out,i'm going to start taking more pictures and things when we are out and about. the first month is a special time and i'm grateful for all of it.i'm so grateful i met him.
-giving myself space mentally from B. he has legitimately pissed me off today. we were all normal today in texts,i can tell he seemed to appreciate all the texting,and all was well then i made some comment about wanting him to be sweet,and innocent because that's what i like and then he got really weird on me. first responding saying saying he doesn't like that word innocent because it sounds like something you'd call a girl so basically being rigid in sex roles then basically randomly before i seen that text,he sent another like twenty five minutes that sounded like an insult which was saying he doesn't like girls who talk s----.i was quite thrown off by that,and it seemed quite clear it had to have been a hit at me since he knows i'm blunt with things and so i get upset telling him i've only been good to him and never talked about him and trying to ask him if he's upset about something and saying i guess he's not a sweet guy and doesn't like me then and went back and forth him trying to tell me he was saying in general that he doesn't like girls who talk smack because they think it's normal and sweet but it's not cute and that i'm good in his book and that ishould give him a chance to say what he meant if i am not sure and when i asked for an example of a girl talking smack he gave one saying in november a girl asking him why is he so tense when he was stressed out and when ididn't understand he said she seemed frustrated by it...so yeah,definite red flag all this. suffice it to say,it lowered my mood a little and made me want space from him. the only thing i can think is he sent that text that seemed at me right shortly after a friend request on facebook got approved in my list that was male. and we did argue about facebook saturday and i did have it in my head before if he is one of those people who would get petty about facebook friends.i don't know many guys who are like that at all,but it was something that came to me saturday and friday. as he is someone who doesn't have a lot facebook friends in comparison to me,and gets easily jealous and i even told him I met D through facebook and reconnected with another guy i knew through facebook,i can maybe see facebook bothering him. either that,or he was trying to tell me something when i said i like guys who are sweet and innocent,like maybe he knew i said that feeling insecure and nervous still about our fight on saturday and was trying to tell me to not start with him again and to shut up.i don't know what's worse. a guy getting upset about a facebook friend request and deciding to use it to say something to make me wonder,or guy who is fed up with insecurities trying to tell me to not talk smack to him.i think he sensed i didn't like his behavior because after that he seemed to be texting more then usual and asking me more questions about my activities. ever since i told him to act like he wants to f---- me,and that i want a relationship,he's been acting weirder. more possessive,and bossy,but also more sweet at other times. it seems i cannot have a day go by now without him telling me to not do something. and this isn't even like D where i fought with him a lot.i haven't fought with B much at all,only on saturday. D was quite aloof and not possessive at all compared to this guy. maybe it's a european thing that is why B is like this. or,maybe it's a height thing. my ex who was european and very tall was also more possessive and rigid sex roles then average,too. while i find the possessiveness cute,i do not like what happened tonight,it was very wtf and red flag,but since it was in a text,and you cant tell tone,and it's been mercury retrograde for days,i'm sure i just am misunderstanding him.i think back to when B and i first met,though,and again,first meetings can be telling. he kept looking at me i knew he was about to come up,he looked very into wanting to approach me,and got up and said something but was obviously unsure of himself.i'm sure i seemed shy and submissive,too. i then teased him playfully,he then was a few feet away from me,i then walked up to him and started making out with him. he was very into it,and we kept making out. then he kept following me around like a puppy,i wanted space so ditched him. then he proceeded to keep following me around acting creepy asking what he did wrong and saying mean comments to me,such as am i trying to make so and so my hero and just hovering over me even when i had guys by me to "protect" me. he then kept trying to talk to other girls while staring at me and i left early and he texts me something mean in the middle of the night. from there,the next morning,when he responds i tell him to please be nice to me and find out he is so sweet and nice,and we've talked everyday since. on our first date,he tells me those guys were NOT on my side with a stern,stoic expression on his face. the second date,he keeps telling me all these guys are looking at me and getting annoyed saying they look like they want to come approach me. and,the funny thing is,i cant tell him this,but,the night we met,after i ran away from him,well,obviously he kept staring at me,but i do feel kind of was looking out for me,and watching me.i just have this vague memory of even when i fell when me and two friends all fell ,of him kind of watching me not in a creepy way but a making sure i'm ok way,but not wanting to cross the line by trying to help me up,almost as if,if i was in trouble,he would've been there to make sure i'd be ok. i remember him telling me on a date or in text this girl who had a crush on him kept trying to kiss him when he was trying to help her friend who was passed out from drinking on a party bus.he hasn't brought up me falling either,that's one thing he never brought up from that night,whenever we talked about it,even though i have this vague memory of him being like on the other side a few feet away watching me. he has asked softly and cautiously how did i fall,when i brought it up but in a way like he seen the whole thing and doesn't want to make me feel awkward since i had started crying after that and cried in some strange guy's arms. he also never brought that up,either.but,i know he seen it,and was probably worried at the time i'd kiss that guy.i had reassured B on our first date,i'd never kiss two guys in one night,and i knew what i was doing by kissing him.i reread B's love song he wrote me sometimes.i want to tell him that when i cried in some stranger's arms,i remember kinda looking towards B wishing i could cry in his. when B drives me nuts tonight,i remember,he may have been mean and red flag now,but he fought for me. i ran away from him,literally,and he chased me that night,and he didn't give up on me.and he even said on date 2 "he couldn't let it end like that." with me just running off. i remember that love song he wrote for me on date 1 saying he will fight for me until i'm his. and date 3 saying verbally he wants me to be his. :) he may be a weirdo(and i'm not allowed to call him that) and he may be a nerd who says the most random why did you say that things,but he is for me,and i adore him and he's soft,i know he is. he's not even the slightest bit sexually agressive and when my teeth banged against his head while he was playfully wrestling with me,he stopped and got super concerned saying am i ok. how he always wants me to feel really beautiful and cannot comprehend how i ever would not..posessive he may be,and maybe that comes out mean,but i know we'll be ok. i'm grateful for getting this all written out. giving myself space and WANTING a breather from him since getting closer can make one feel a bit smothered and intoxicated.i wonder if it was love in first sight for him. i am grateful for all these ideas from writing this out,i think i will use this to express some of it,to him in a valentines day gift. :)i had wondered what to get him,and what could be more beautiful then expressing myself to him things i wish i could say but cannot.i have not had this good of a love story in so long,and feel he may finally be the guy i fall in love with next.i haven't been in love in so long,but we seem to be so on the same page,and he is giving me what i want and it's all unfolding. it's so perfect.
-reassurance
-this forum
-water
-mason jars
-a place to write things out and look back
-going for a walk today
-getting project 20 released today! woo hoo.
-ideas
-how much B and I have in common and are similar.i so see myself in him with things. like,the awkwardness. it's adorable.
-B and I coming closer to each other,and besides the saturday fight and clarifications brought up,and all that good saturday stuff,but how were talking with each other now more often and detailed it seems. ever since passionately making out on third date,it was like going back to when we met again,getting reacquainted with each other's mouths,and how turned on we make the other. there is a strong,strong kissing and physical connection.and all the kissing again after dates previous of not much to none,was like an ice breaker to bring us to some normality and closeness and drop some barriers
-how flat and sexy my stomach feels today
-all the ideas and inspirations and the unfolding of them to bring things together to manifest
-my business partner
-my teeth
-waking up earlier
-getting a lot done today
-doing dishes
-how great my backside looks. small and round and in shape looking
-vitamins
-how big B's tongue is,it's such a weird thing,i'm never turned on by a tongue but his has grabbed my attention. it just feels really sexy in my mouth when we are kissing.
-feeling clean
-hot tea
-stress release
-meditation
-free time
-being feminine and getting more cues that B seems to prefer women on the more feminine and submissive side based on what he's been saying and acting like since we met
-my amazing,positive good mood today,until B got weird on me that is,but that just needed space
-desires
-my beauty
-colors
-love
-romance
-that B is preppy and sporty and i'm girlish and artistic. love it,it's beautiful,the opposites attract.
-how happy i've been lately. i am so happy with B,and with how forward moving i feel about life. january has been amazing.
-smiling and laughter and how good it feels
-the winter love life...without D. lol taking his advice to embrace the winter love life,just not with him. have been so over him.
-being patient with B.he's been all about me since the beginning despite knowing i was just ended with D and then i caught up to being all about him,so if he needs time to trust that,and catch up,too that's ok with me,too. it's an energy dance. i kept him posted all along the way about D and he's been nothing but good to me and putting up with me so if he did go through a few days of doubt back a week and half ago or so of my interest in him or what we are,that's fine.he hasn't said that at all but that's when i got worried he seemed different very slightly,but now are caught up and clarified and that's beautiful and real.
-the mental connection with me and B. we are quite in tune telepathically,and even how his apartment has lots of green decor,which is my favorite color.

[buttercup]

-B and finally having someone where it feels like a real relationship. texting daily,seeing each other weekly,posessiveness,meeting friends,etc
-going tanning today
-how great my body is looking,more toned,tiny,and flatter stomach,rounder bottom,slimmer lines,etc
-blogging and getting out my feelings
-poetry
-brilliant ideas that come to me that i love and are creative and getting to use them
-that B seems to want to do whatever i want to do
-how high vibration life is right now
-today being an amazing day
-finding out best friend has been affirming a lot for me,and that it seems a lot of things are on my side right now
-my style
-cute clothes
-being comfortable with my cute gawky beauty and realizing how sexy that and striking that can actually be
-one month since meeting B and all going well and smooth still and all being consistent
-another success for secret business venture that business partner told me about.i was so freaking excited.i thought two weeks ago it,this idea might not work out and i may need to return to another idea for income,but this is happening..i may just have a primary way to make money that is perfect for me.i could cry that's how excited i am.
-getting presents in the mail
-realizing it's mercury retrograde so that explains some of the communications with me and B and that it may be better to not push being official until it's over,but if it does happen,i will allow it of course,and maybe in his eyes we are,i have no idea
-perspective,wisdom,authenticity,and maturity. traits in myself i admire and in others
-all the work activity going on and things abuzz,it seems my positive love vibration is attracting good in other areas
-the little things i can appreciate and feel grateful for
-the little auto save button i found since i just accidentally shut this window
-smiling
-how long my hair is
-feeling feminine and feeling good and in shape and young but mature
-how nice the weather was today,it felt as if spring was near and the sun was shining bright and was lovely
-how good it feels for project 20 to be released.
-getting brava for work that makes me feel very accomplished and successful
-getting things going

[buttercup]

-music
-how amazing and super high vibration i feel,i feel like i'm on clouds
-realizing B is everything i want,he is super sweet yet masculine and possessive and wants me to be happy and realizing i need to trust him more
-remembering i can do some quantum healing to work on my trust with B and heal some things
-all the positive energy my best friend has sent me
-getting gifts in the mail
-instagram
-getting samples from a p.r secured that i can use for a project i've been working on
-so many things coming together right now!
-the sun
-leaving my door open despite it being cold because it's nicer out
-my slimness
-my style
-water
-mason jars
-liquid diets for dinner a few times a week and how good that is for you
-my personality and uniqueness and attractive and cool inner qualities
-sky blue nail polish
-getting caught up on workouts last night
-my amazing accomplishments and someone from organization i admire wanting to share work we did together publically and what a compliment it is to be recognized by high end people
-making people happy
-my motivation and cheerleader attitude
-my flexibility and dancer's poise in how i move my body
-my clumsiness too,because that is cute
-all the cool people i meet
-all the forward movement that's come about
-being a woman
-that this month has felt like magic,and already much better then the majority of the last year. such a high note to this year
-poetry and fairytales
-the industry i work in
-all that i have going for me
-the magic of life
-life feeling new and fresh
-the interconnection and oneness of life
-deep breathing
-feeling abundant and secure
-my hair
-my nails
-my increase in energy
-my hair,nails,and energy ever since becoming vegan and how it's transformed
-orange extract
-my creativity

[buttercup]

-coffee
-water
-mason jars
-being a kind person
-my newfound passion for fitness and how 2014 became the year i got really into it and love how happy and puts a pep in people's step when they lose the little bit of weight they've been wanting or come closer to their ideal bodies.
-the wonderful box of muffins brought to me.i feel so spoiled
-all being back to normal with me and B and seeming to go well and us being closer
-getting good sleep.i feel renewed and look better,too
-the sun
-beautiful stories
-emotions and feelings
-upbeat music
-getting thinner and how sexy my stomach feels
-the time i will have to catch up on meditation and affirmations tonight
-contacting a former good friend and how good it felt to hear from her
-all of B's wonderful qualities and how he made me laugh with his text today after i said i love when people send me thank you messages and then he said thank you "my name" for texting me. cracked me up.
-dating
-getting things cleaned up and organized and feeling cleared up about a lot of things
-quiet time to reflect and just be
-the sun
-my desire to express
-beauty
-being feminine and child-like
-feeling sexy
-how relaxed i feel today
-colors
-brightness
-sweaters
-the things going for me in life right now and where i'm at and get to experience
-feeling well and healthy
-lip balms,body oils,and other beauty products
-unfollowing D on twitter,he never followed me back and i have no desire for him to be followed on twitter anyways by me
-allowing change
-project 21 starting off wonderfully
-beautiful models
-having great taste and being innovative
-learning
-thank you messages from people
-beautiful symbolisms
-new ideas
-the industries iwork in
-embracing the quiet feeling i feel today
-the ability to see
-eyeglasses
-smiling
-appreciation
-feeling and being positive minded
-working on myself and bettering myself
-loving myself

[buttercup]

oh man,what has happened. B and I haven't spoken today for the first time. he replied to my text saying i'm home and sleep well this morning just saying you,too and that it's not a peep all day and i felt a rift in energy as soon i awoke. all that i've given him and not a single how is your day going text...today has not been well. between the blizzard and not hearing from B all day after last night and the anxiety attack i had,on top of something happening to induce more anxiety in me,this hasn't been a well day at all. he also had a new bimbo facebook girl in his list today,too this morning.
-seeing B last night.it started with me feeling on and off emotional that day and the night before and i seen a dead baby bird in my path which i took as a good omen to mean end of negativity and new beginnings. part of me felt like I didn't want to see B because i felt so frustrated and distrusting and scared.but,i did. early on,we had an argument. i seen a pic in his texts and asked to see it multiple times before he showed me and it was a pic of him,his friend,and two girls. he was more in the back and not super next to the girl but still what is that? and,he doesn't even tell me about it,i see it in the phone and have to ask 5 times what is it and it's pretty suspicious his friend is texting him that. now,writing,this i feel even more upset about it,as i normalized it last night.it just seems like it is starting to be one thing after another. we ended up talking a lot and because i was mad,i brought up the label thing and he said he would do it right now and i said not right now,then he said playfully oh,not right now and we went for coffee and discussed the label and how and when we would do it with several options of now,in two weeks,or within the week and settled on next time we see each other and with him next to me. he explained he didn't see a difference between seeing me and a label and i explained the difference to me. we then walked around the city and talked more about deeper things for the first time like family and stuff and just a lot of deeper things in general of understanding each other. it was kind of nice. we got back to his place and right away he iniated sex. it was kind of quick and though kinda wasnt super in the mood but figured may as well. and, he couldn't perform. he couldn't get it up. he kept saying weird,awkward nervous things and just didn't know how to have sex. it was so awkward. i took it personal and kept saying will we be able to work this out and how can we move forward if we can't have sex and he'd say i hope so which i kept taking to mean it was my fault and he didn't know. it wasn't until hindsight,i realized he meant he hopes we'd be able to work it out because of his issues and he hoped i wouldn't leave him.i began asking questions to figure it out,and found out he's only had sex 3 times. the 3 people was one time each and he was under the influence of alcohol each time and we were both sober right now. we both wondered if last week we should've had sex since we both were buzzed and really into the mood with each other. not only that,but the last person he had sex with was someone he dated and they only had sex once and that was the last time they seen each other...which is not a good track record for him clearly. so,he's only had kisses and one time sex and one time dates and dating someone for a month-ish as his history basically. there could be no way he was faking this because he was extremely embarrassed by this and emphasized repeatedly he's never told anyone this and no one know this much about him to which i joked it gave us an obligatory closeness. i even tried to go down on him,which started to make him bigger after a little bit,which was hopeful and he was moaning and into it and i gave him a tip of how to guide me which he responded he hasn't these very often,to which i took to me,he may never had one before. quite odd,and kind of creepy.he admitted he's a different person when he's drunk and more confident and social ,which i seen myself from him. he has said none of his friends get much action. so,apparently they're all a bunch of nerds.i suggested maybe we could work up to sex and just do other things the next times we see each other like foreplay stuff and he seemed very into that idea and his face brightened up at that. he did seem like he wanted me to leave quickly and to go to sleep but i didn't leave right away. we held each other a little and kissed a little and i started to ponder did i even want him anymore. he had made cheap comments that evening saying starbucks was expensive,the cab was expensive and going to restaurants was expensive which irritated me.he couldn't perform sexually and was a big let down and on top of that wasn't seeming very trustworthy anymore.was i just becoming too desperate after all i've been through with guys? so,i knew i should leave soon and sat up and out loud starting listing some of the pros of moving forward with this and asked him what he likes about me and the pros. he said i'm attractive to which i said a lot of girls are. he then said i'm honest to which i said you actually like that(i'm blunt and random)then he said what he's shared with me/things he told me tonight(the uncomfortable things,which showed me something that he thinks after all that he feels closer now),and then out of nowwhere he had this habit of bringing up little things out of nowwhere that are perfect. i had made a joke half hour earlier about our mutual friend and him being impressed by that friend and me saying i don't see why and that i like that he doesn't find what i do impressive because a lot of guys do end up being user-y and i said he finds our friend more impressive then me or something like that and joked i'd tell our friend that he finds him impressive and well,when we talked about what we like about each other he out of nowwhere said shyly and humbly that he has told his friends what i do for a living when we first started talkign and that they said wow and got impressed and that he thought that was cool what i do for a living and he liked that.i also reflected about how things aren't perfect and was in a thinking out loud moment about how not all guys will be like J,all perfect and everything intense but that also tends to be short lived and so i said not everything has to be perfect to which he replied with perfect timing as if on the same page as me "nothing in life is." idk why but i like that and told him so and that it was perfect timing he said that. it seemed we agreed to still move forward. he even said when we talked at the end why he'd like the label too kind of joking about something and saying he'd like to see me more often when i said i was ok if we didn't but if he wanted to i would. our moods weren't lovey dovey by the time i left. but it felt like we were closer and as i left i almost walked off without kissing him,then turned around and he looked kind of stalled too like he was remembering that he kisses me before i leave. his face was that of a shy child's unsure what to do. so many things revealed. and,after seeing all that,there's no way he gets many girls or action so that made me feel like even more he should appreciate me i really have a lot of power here.i told him i think he can teach me a lot of things,and i can teach him a lot of things.i said a lot of flattering things to him,and was very genergous trying to help him.i did say one bitchy thing saying if i wanted another guy,it'd take me 2 seconds to find another one,and he said assuredly that he knew that. i started wondering about white lies not with his experience but with other things before bed. I felt for sure all was well though and then as i awoke,i felt a rift. Like,are we separated now? It made no sense. And,the timing is the worst. Ever since December 27th,we had never gone a day without speaking all day throughout the day,and now we had. I was so nice,and tried so hard to make it work and did nothin g wrong,so am quite heart broken by his behavior. All i can think is that he is holed up feeling embarrassed about what happened and can't let it go but is he really going to walk away because of that? Someone willing to work with him,and be his girlfriend? With all his lack of experience and trouble getting girls,it'd be so silly to do that. I am so hurt and have no idea what is in his head,just that i awoke feeling a sense of separation. We have so many random little things in common. Little things that are stupid,i seen he had coffee on his mouth earlier,then later on,seen i did,too. Or how he lovely green colors in his apartment and in some clothes he wears,and that's my favorite color or how he hardly ever has people in his apartment,and i'm the same way. Like,random little things. I appreciate that our issues started when mercury retrograde started because that means things aren't what they seem and are likely not truth so therefore all will be well. Just last week,he was so sexy and picking me up and spinning me around in front of his friends and now this week,he couldn't turn me on,and we couldn't have sex and just had a lot of offness that made me wonder do i even want him. No matter what,i want communication and to try and work through this.
-i appreciate that we agreed to the label,and that have a plan for it,and all the good that did happen
-my vibe lifting when i got home today after a anxious day from B not texting
-positive signs about B today
-beautiful photos of me and my perceptions clearing about them and new pics to post on facebook
-pretty things
-embracing the snow and blizzard a little and trying to enjoy it
-inspiration from best friend when he talked about how he visualizes and how his third eye chakra activates from it. and he doesn't even know about chakras,but telling me what it was,is how i determined it.healing energy from best friend
-best friend and business partner thinking B just sounds very inexperienced and embarrassed and that's why he hasn't texted me today because he feels very embarrassed by everything.
-getting to buy new tank tops
-colors
-my beauty
-ideas
-getting groceries
-roommate staying home tonight
-energy best friend sends me and how good he is at it,and how much it inspires me to get better at willing and intention manifesting
-coffee
-trying to stay positive
-my maturity
-smiling
-acknowledging my anxiety attack earlier
-my beauty
-knowing no matter what it'll be ok and to just go with the flow

[buttercup]

-the heat getting fixed today!
-singing affirmations 2-3 times so far to clear out my throat chakra and give a major vibration and manifesting boost and change my mindset. so far,so good and only going to get better
-the likes on my new facebook picture and how beautiful and sexy ifeel in that pic
-the sun shining today
-contacting AD today just because
-coffee
-french toast sticks and how lovely they smelled today
-how beautiful my face looks and also how beautiful i look when i raise my vibration and clear energy such as by singing or quantum healing
-my strange,nerdy sense of humor
-being young
-that B hasn't logged into that dating site so good signs so far
-getting clear on what i want
-new work images
-knowing to turn my vibration around right away and to do it,and knowing it's only going to get more and more higher higher very quickly
-strict focus and blunt discipline to manifest what you want and knowing to not f--- around with overanalyzing or ruminating even by asking questions or venting. no. over. detachment. clear mind and faith and focus on only the desired
-how good it's going to get
-pronoia
-vanilla spice hot tea
-all the opportunities available for me
-healing,wellness,and happiness
-knowing the truth of reality(law of attraction,etc)
-positive energy
-colors
-style
-transmutation
-happiness
-smiling
-deep breath
-affirmations
-all the techniques for loa,but knowing the masters don't use a lot of techniques and that it's not even needed but that just keeping your mind on the thoughts you want is enough and even just 17 seconds a day a few times a day can make miracles. doing a bunch of techniques tends to be for people who never manifest much
-the internet
-great holistic healing articles about chakras and healing
-sleep
-how damn good life is about to get,i already said that up above,but damn i feel it. i just know it. yes!!!!!!!!!!! i feel strongly that today,tomorrow,and heating up more and more by this week's end things are going to be heck yes! a mountain of miracles and positive goodness
-my motivation and pep
-my sexiness
-my best friend
-making others happy
-how i can help others
-vegans who are athletes and other things spreading the message to the mainstream
-my maturity
-all the desires i have manifested and changes i wanted that came about,even if it took awhile.
-doing really well so far with changing my vibration
-nice,clean warm clothes

[buttercup]

-music
-getting an answer from B even if it was hurtful and a lie and he then ignored me after all the messages i sent after and he deleted me from facebook,too by the time i awoke. he is punishing me. :( it is amazing to me how something going so well could change so suddenly.
-all the people i chatted with today. going out of my way to text people and chat them and them chat and text me helps when things are in limbo or over with someone.i talked to anyone who would listen. it helped me get some perspective on B being so weird.i even chatted with a woman he knows and doesn't like to try and figure him out. everyone has been so nice,and the perspective and honest way based on what they see was helpful.i even talked to my friend E who is B's friend too for perspective. everyone seems to think B is a serious,chill,shyer less experienced guy. it's mind blowing how weird he is to me and apparent he has sex issues and is freaked out by it.
-deciding to post my status on fb about how i feel. it's good to post things sometimes about how you feel,and also it helps people remember you,and sometimes brings people to talk to you.i want to get more and more fearless with that
-my beautiful new profile picture and how goregeous i look in it,and that those pictures grew on me
-how great best friend can be with energy work and reminding him that not telling me what he does makes it stronger
-going tanning today
-laughing at the ridiculous and pain of how B has treated me because that's all you can do sometimes
-how amazing my body looked today
-my sense of style
-my beauty
-snacks. since my appetite is big today.
-coffee
-heater guy coming to fix heat again today
-remembering spiritual principles of manifesting to bring me calm and maturity and i surrender to all that is going on
-people
-baby talk
-the art of detachment
-conversations
-my hair
-my face
-laughing and in wonder at how much has changed since this time last month..it's insane i went from boo-hooing about D to all about B and now tonight talking to D again a somewhat good amount and boo hooing about B,all in the exact one month time frame.i don't want D,but was just bored and texting anyone who would talk back. it's sort of whoa how much can change in a whole month
-knowing for a fact B can't get any other girls so it's really his loss how he is being. And,that woman i talked to even said she heard B brought a date(me)to that one party because a girl told her and it was apparently a big deal for B to do something like that and surprising to everyone. why he would want to lose that is amazing to me.
-that it's mercury retrograde which means B and I ending is unlikely to stick just like me talking to D is not too surprising based on it being merc retrograde.
-empowerment
-being sexy
-vodka
-even talking to my mom today about this b.s from B.
-future possible plans
-things i want to try and do and maybe it'll be nice to take a mini break from B anyways for perspective. my love life is quite strange these days.
-being easy on myself-
-relaxation
-healing modes available to me
-being honest with my feelings
-loving myself
-being honest with my vulnerabilities
-curiosity about other blessings that will come to me now
-amazing men speaking up about things against the porn industry and masculine men who respect women and masculine men who respect animals

[buttercup]

-vanilla muffins
-water
-doing a nice cardio workout
-dishes being done
-the amazing surge of inspiration i felt last night after doing some writing to check in with myself
-my beauty
-how damn sure i feel that B and I aren't done and that he'll be back around
-all the people i talked to yesterday which helped me
-sleep
-all the amazing ideas i have to better myself and make my life happier
-getting D back
-perspective
-inner knowing
-getting a confirmation for a new tearsheet and new business press clipping
-new business getting good feedback that this could really work and only the beginning so far and small efforts put in,so that's good
-sweaters
-comfortable clothing
-acknowledging my feelings
-being a woman
-deciding to start wearing high heels more often for the benefits it will provide
-great articles to read
-all the law of attraction inspiration
-chakra music and other spiritual music and how helpful it was last night
-knowing that when you use the law of detachment,things flow easily and you have many options
-knowing the power of actions and using that as well
-my best friend
-that i have an opportunity to feel more secure and free as i pursue things to better myself and my life
-trying to see the positive side of B and use this this little time to love myself more and have me time. also,realizing B was all about me but the moment i was about him,that's when the dance of energy changed so i see now i really need to harness my energy to be more detached
-spirituality
-desires
-faith
-all the cool things to explore and do and experience
-forgiveness
-the good that will come
-my confidence
-my mind actually being pretty off of B all things considered.he hasn't been on my mind that much today. i had much more trouble with D. going to keep up with this and get him out even more.also,find it funny that i'm talking to D after wanting him back. i think B would be surprised by that as well and how quick that came about,too.

[buttercup]

wow. i've been so down in the dumps i haven't done in my gratitude list in 2-3 days. crazy.
-eyeglasses
-almond milk and it making my bitter coffee taste better
-a clean diet
-vegan food
-tarot cards and using them in proper and not taking it too seriously ways
-embracing my feelings of apathy today. apathy is one of the worst feeling imo,but instead of discarding apathy,maybe,just for a day,it can be ok.i haven't felt apathy in quite some time in fact,it's weird.
-chakra and theta musics to heal. i know for me,chakra music really helps when i'm going through a heartbreak. and in the beginning of january,listening to chakra music in combination with energy friend sent me,and some loving creative music i listened to a lot at the time,i healed super quick and had good luck with love matters. thinking of that music and chakra music reminds me of B,he commented on it a bit back then when i told him about it and encouraging me to listen to it. i fmiss him.
-finding out the picture of us may not be deleted like i thought.i'm not seeing it,but the number of pictures on my fb page is the same as it was,it hasnt gone down. so,this is leading me to believe there's some glitch keeping me from seeing it since he blocked me. also,it makes no sense why he would delete the pic even if he did hate me,it wasnt even a couple picture. that made me feel a little better.
-water
-stretches
-being easy on myself,changing things up,changing plans
-best friend and i chatting about energy on a short drive today and the energy he sent me in jan. after me blaming him a few times this week(i know i'm not right but i just felt something off about this whole month and was upset),we realized energy wise what changed with him sending me energy by me asking him and explaining to him how energy works since he is great at doing it but not as knowledgable about the metaphysics behind it. as it turns out,he did stop sending energy right before my last date with B.he is sending lots of energy right now and has been all week. it may take time for some things but i know all is well.
-the proof of energy sending by seeing it such as when best friend affirmed i'd get really angry and text B to ask him to talk to me and 15 minutes later i did back on monday. he didn't tell me he did this,i just got angry all of a sudden and felt the urge to tell him to at least tell me what's going on. best friend is getting so good at sending energy lately and doing it more often,he is like a pro. it was quite eerie. things like this affirm more for me that this is real and not that hard to do and inspires me. january did feel like a spell.
-the law of attraction and all the wonderful proofs of it such as when my mind has been on releasing attachments and then i seen things constantly bringing it up
-how inspired and willed i am to keep my thoughts focused on exactly the reality i want to create and taking away all thoughts off what i do not want even if i feel a need to "understand." keeping B out of my mind more and more and only having thoughts for the reality i want to create in my mind. faith. using setbacks as a challenge to rise up to be better with mastering the law of attraction
-the spiritual lessons of this B situation coming to me as simply mastering the law of detachment since that's the true nature of reality and mastering the loa since that is the true nature of reality. i fail when i get anxious. it really is so simple sometimes,there is no divine reason for why this happened with B,because B and i aren't done, i feel this with all my heart,this is simple a setback to help me get back on track with being less attached and keeping my thoughts stronger.
-excuses you can use for the positive manifestation to help the logical mind believe in it
-heat
-stylish comfortable clothes
-inspiration from B about neighborhoods i want to move to next
-all the little things i have in common with B that show me he isn't random and so therefore this isn't done
-manifesting D back. simply because i had set the intention to and it is affirming to see intentions manifest
-learning all about online dating because in pain and apathy,i created fake profile to troll on dating site B is on. i've learned so much that affirmed everything i thought about online dating is true and not for me at all. and,i've had conversations about my experience with B to get perspectives from strangers so that was nice
-laughing at my silliness and unique personality
-my positive life coach personality
-tarot advice of being confident,having pride about the B situation which also guided me on how to proceed.be myself,work on myself but don't try too hard to be more awesome then ever and exhaust myself just so B can see. but instead follow my desires and pour my pain into bettering myself. already have several things i'm doing.
-remembering powerful loa advice from an loa forum someone messaged me that was anytime someone says something about something that i believe that ticks me off or annoys me,it's my own inner doubts speaking back to me in the form of that person.i had resisted that concept not understanding it for sooo long until august but now remembering today when someone on a forum was saying things that made no sense that angered me,i calmed down and realized,hey on some level they are speaking to some doubts you must have,even if they're slight otherwise it wouldn't come up so rise up to the challenge to see what's really going on within you so you can clear it. this is so good! a pivotal part of my spiritual learning it was back in august when this clicked for me. the world is a mirror concept. be so thankful! think back to those times you felt so sure of something then sure enough other people seemed doubtful and it annoyed you a little,so sure enough your vibration lowered a little,too,instead use that to empower you every time you see that because it's the universe showing you what to clear up! so damn good and beautiful.
-remembering beautiful unfolding moments of spiritual learning concepts with others involved too and involving serendpity that show you if you observe your self in this reality as a curious person who is experiencing the "amnesia" as you walk back to remembering little by little but still have to keep reminding yourself of it.
-knowing the reason we are here,is to master the playground we play on via the law of attraction and to keep walking back to love. so good! pain happens to teach us to master the loa and remember love and choose love and setbacks happen for polarity and to teach us to master loa . rise to the challenge. get up! see what you did wrong via your thoughts. the universe loves you and is always speaking to you and life is a neverending adventure of play!
-vibration rising in little moments
-instead of being sad for having no date or anything like that for the first time in a bit this weekend,embracing it a little and instead using the time to get organized.i will organize online things this weekend. something i've not done in quite awhile! it'll be healing.
-love songs
-stylish music
-beauty
-creativity
-cool art
-inspiration all around me
-my beauty
-feeling my feelings and sadness,my vulnerability,and my wounds
-my strength
-getting to go to my favorite coffee shop tomorrow
-my goal i'm working on now to master using ride sharing apps so i can use that instead of expensive cabs
-smiling
-laughter
-colors
-knowing anything not at ease in my life,i can change.anything i feel bad about,i can turn around
-knowing anything can happen!
-going for a nice short walk today. embracing the insane amount of snow. this day will never come again. may as well enjoy the moment.
-how great january was.
-thinking today how much has changed since this time last week and how sad it made me feel then quickly turning it around and remembering,but look how much can change by this time next week! it's all good.
-stumbling upon a cool looking event to go to on valentines day weekend at my favorite hotel
-forgiveness
-all my ideas
-who i am as a person
-knowing it was time to stop asking about B now and lay off the advice and also let him out of my mind now.
-loving myself
-feeling love again little by little
-that mercury will be direct again next week and i just know life will be better because of it
-how high end i am
-new instagram followers
-my femininity and that i'm not afraid to be a feeling,crazy woman
-yet at the same time a contentment with myself in some ways with not needing a date on v-day like some girls and being ok with doing some things myself
-sweetness of B. i know he'll come around. i remember sweet things like us had barely just met and him offering to cancel his new years eve plans to spend the holiday with me. he is a sweet soul,i know he is just lost and will have empathy for me soon. i dont think i've ever had a guy offer to do something that sweet. to have just met me a few days ago and want to cancel his new years eve plans he bought tickets for just to spend the holiday with me. he was concerned about me spending the holiday alone. that'll always be one thing that sticks out in my mind about him that i liked.i almost wish i had gone,and what kind of time would we have had. he acted serious about me from the start then dropped me like nothing and has the nerve to delete me then block me when i didn't even act crazy when he said he's done with me.
-trusting my first hunch that he blocked me because he was going crazy about me and affected by me and probably checking my page alot
-trusting he probably deleted me seeing our mutual friend liked my new profile picture

[buttercup]

-how amazing i feel right now after realizing things and getting more clarity and getting back to myself little by little and healing little by little and learning and affirming things that bring me back to me by stepping out and trying things. love it.
-deleting my fake okcupid profile today. it just hit me like ok,you had decided to only join for a day to get some info and learn and now it's been two days and it is killing your time and you've learned all you had to learn and any longer you stay on is just making you a weirdo and is no longer useful so i knew it was time to go and deleted it. there was nothing i could get out of staying so deleted both profiles.i learned online dating is not for me and that it's mostly the kind of people looks wise and personality wise i wouldn't want to meet. i learned the girls on there arent that great of catches and that the men are hardly getting any opportunities.i learned that for me authentically meeting people in real life is the only way to go. online dating is just too cheesy for me.
-after that i got more and more curious about tinder. i thought i want to meet more people. this is a desire of mine and i felt drawn to join tinder,but didnt know why.i felt like it wouldn't be so bad and since it's like a game it could be fun and efficient and just part of keeping up with technology so started with a fake profile. it was depressing. it wasnt fun. it was boring. and mind numbing. all the guys were douchey and so i looked for women too to see what men are seeing. nothing to worry about there.i messaged with one person who seemed ok and he made it seem multi dating is a common thing and also confirmed most guys don't have more happen then a few messages back and forth.i started saying to the person that i like the magic of meeting someone organically and felt myself sad as i said this wondering what am i doing on here. it wasnt making me feel better.i thought about what am iwanting. do i want to just go on a bunch of "dates" with random people i chat with? no.i don't want to take away the magic of dating and meeting people that i feel. from how i met B and how magical that felt.that wouldn't happen meeting someone on tinder. but,still i thought it'd be fun to see friends on here and iwasnt so i finally thought,ok,maybe i need to just join tinder as me to see once and for all what matches it shows me and maybe i'll get better ones since it pulls from facebook info so then i'd meet more people like me. fail.in two minutes,i deleted my tinder. it was so awkward. it culled my photos and info right away before i got a chance to choose more snapshot-y pics and it made me look like a famous person on tinder. it was still showing me douche-y looking men.and,i just realized,as conceited as it sounds,people like me don't join tinder. even if i did put a snapshot up,it'd be too desperate. only my 9-5er friends seem to be on tinder based on conversations i've had anyways. leave tinder or them. for what i do for a living,and how i look,it just looked really awkward for me to be on tinder,and affirmed things for me in a good way such as my attractiveness and status and that again I don't need to worry so much about B or other guys moving on quickly from me,i am a great catch and these guys can go on all the dating sites and apps they want,most of them are still hardly getting dates.i realize now that maybe i needed to do this. with all the talk of tinder in the last year from people and then D making it on my mind more worrying about it being very vile and then even B doing okcupid before and all this stuff,i think my mind needed to know how these things actually work from the inside out,and it made me a lot calmer,more confident,and less jealous and seeing these things as less of a big deal.i have more of an understanding of them now. i just don't see them as a big deal. it's funny life can open up so many avenues to us and we can still be lonely and still the universe will bring us magical people when the time is right. sometimes you do need to open yourself up to new things you may think you don't like,and other times,you may see you were right all along.i can understand why some would use those sites but i think one blessing in my life is i don't need to. this really really helped me a lot. it affirmed so much for me including that i don't need to go and try and find others to pursue me,or that i'm so easily replaceable because people like B and D use things like that.i just need to be myself,work on myself,and trust in myself,and the magic of life of bringing me people in the right time for me.i still don't know exactly how i'll satiate my desire to meet more people,since that was a desire of mine today and yesterday and the day before with doing this as well.i did want to meet more people in general such as friends but now i don't even care about that.i trust that as long as i work on myself the opportunities for friendship and putting me in the place of people will come and new solutions for me to better my life will come. i'm grateful for all of this. we should keep trying things to expand ourselves and not be afraid to say well that particular action/method is not for me.i'm glad i didnt lower myself to have profiles on these sites. it would've been below my standards for me.
-protein water
-going to my first vegan restaurant today.i hadn't been to one yet in the 8 months i've been vegan and today i finally did. i'm glad i did that finally. grateful for trying a vegan cupcake for the first time and also the meatball sub was sooo good.was grateful to go out and go somewhere too since it's a saturday night which is usually date night for me and B and now B is having a b-day party and not speaking to me
-instagram. an app i do like! and,putting a new picture up on there tonight so if B is lurking me,he'll see i'm living life still too which tarot seemed to hint at i should do
-dreaming about B. i don't remember what about,it was mundane and lucid but everytime someone is in my dream ifeel they're about to manifest or close to me on a psychic level at the moment
-talking with best friend and realizing more i think B is mad and wanting me to hurt based on his actions because he is acting in a way that is angry not just a way of being done with someone. also,realizing with his actions that he may have been using things against me i told him such as knowing i am sensitive about being called crazy because of D and me mentioning how i just drop people(i remember him randomly saying he cant just drop his friends when i never said he should) and him taking it wrong and now dropping me like nothing using me telling him i do that against me not to mention his facebook actions when he knows i've brought up facebook things before with D and with him. i know he paid attention to me with things and used that to understand me and ease me and make things work with me,and now he's used things against me to hurt me. but,why? if you done with someone,wouldn't you feel guilty and not want them to hurt? he's clearly angry and affected by me and wanting to punish me.
-all the aquarius astrology info online which has helped me feel better and understand B more and made sense
-telling myself today would be 20% better then yesterday and it has been and that the day after would be more better and monday even more,each day building up getting amazing.
-candy
-almond milk in my bitter coffee to sweeten it up
-being easy on myself but taking myself out of the apathy and laziness from B stuff little by little.
-my unique personality
-all the cool neighborhoods in my city
-remembering i had said to friend and to myself how i had wanted some me time,and girl time and just social time with rushing to B right after D and never got that and now i do have that and i am enjoying that a little. the positive side of all this.i can get back to me a little. i miss nonstop dates but it's only been on week.i can have that again very quickly.
-quiet time and non distraction so i can heal. :)
-stylish music
-knowing i have soo much going for me.i will be ok.
-knowing i always win it,when someone messes with me,so it'll be all good
-remembering the importance of getting back on the meditating,exercising,affirming route.i got lazy and apathetic but that cant go on any further
-enjoying the little bit of madness that is me
-detaching from negative assuming
-all my viewpoints,opinions,and learning i want to express
-laughing at how silly everyone is really,despite the image they try to express to the world. we all are so imperfect
-being a woman
-knowing all will be ok,even if i don't know what the next page holds.
-body oil gel and how great it makes my skin feel and look
-being able to find and see purpose in meaning in each day,and each week and see the positive
-the potential for amazing to come
-just knowing this month will be great,even if it did start off quite bad
-best friend saying he had actually been looking forward to our plans today
-fake friend request still hasn't been updated since i denied proving to me more that it's B which is also creeps me out considering the effort put into it was more then two minutes. what is he up to.
-being a cool person.

[buttercup]

-chakra healing music and how much it is healing me. listened to heart and some throat before bed and now listening to third eye and crown.
-vacuuming and cleaning my front room and how great it makes my mind feel to have the room clean
-the amazing energy best friend sent me today and finding out it didn't kick in right away and learning about energy more from that and that it doesn't always kick in right away. it made me so hyper and i just felt so confident and certain all is going to work out and food tasted so good,i felt my tastebuds come so alive from the energy while eating a muffin after the energy shortly kicked in and felt like dancing and was being goofy and silly
-positive readings
-another dream with B. two in a row. we are psychically close.
-ideas i'm drawn to such as picking up some strong incense which will happen tomorrow since no time today
-all the healing and vibration raising ideas at my disposal that i haven't even got to because i slacked with how depressed i got. i have so much i can do tonight that i will do tonight that tomorrow is guaranteed to be amazing.
-my strength
-yummy foods i bought today while grocery shopping such as dark chocolate since i feel very feminine and like i need to nourish my feminine energy and spoil it
-how beautiful i felt i looked after energy was sent to me,too. it's amazing what strong hits of positive energy do to you and what it says about perceptions and the metaphysical nature of reality.i've done intense energy work before clearing blockages just to look in the mirror later and find myself to look so beautiful. it really shows all of reality is a perception and blockages and unhappiness clouds the perception.
-accepting and loving myself
-how great my lines look of my body
-good sleep. despite last week being awful,i have been sleeping better the last day or two
-my chakra coming alive and feeling the activation energy in each center
-healing quite quickly but at a natural pace
-my desires and all the things i want to do for me,things i want to explore for fun,etc
-appreciation
-coffee
-positive signs of things and serendipity
-taking the time to love myself and nourish my feminine energy
-the weather getting nicer and snow melting away
-letting myself cry a little which happened to happen right before my vibration raised a lot. letting out your emotions allows healing to come so much quicker!

[buttercup]

-going tanning today
-coffee
-tofu scramble sandwich for breakfast
-after breakdown last night,the calm i felt in the evening. i felt very rational and relaxed.i hurt myself. pretty bad. i wanted B to know how hurt i was.it got triggered by such a stupid and impatient reason.i wanted to post something online to express myself inspired by B stuff and it kept glitching even though i had written something very inspired and nice and it triggered all these feelings when i couldnt. i got my post up later with a much more shortened post. the writer in me likes to tell a story,but sometimes,you have to go with the flow which i really did not. after the breakdown in my calm,i realized it's time to go full no contact with B if i want any chance of him back quickly. i now am not mentioning him to friends,checking anything online of him,doing tarot on him,or googling how to get him back type stuff. today is the first day of that,and it's hard. it takes willpower but i feel a little better from it,too and like my intuition is strengthening.i realized that even just 5 minutes total of checking someone online can lead to them being in your mind for like 2 hours total a day plus addthat to mentioning them,and it's no wonderyou can't detach with all that you do keeping them in your mind. i realized today i really do let the guy's i like consume my mind.i also realized the dance of energy with things of why from the metaphysical reason me and B fell apart and it was pretty obvious. i was on the pedestal from the start and the moment i realized i did like him i said oh s--- and worried and kept having things manifest to worry about. we even had little arguments the days before we met up the last time and the last night before i met up with him that last time,i confided in a friend how much i wanted friends night outs like B has and how much that would've helped me and i remember thinking and telling another person how i wished i had some space between D and B a little bit,because i feel I rushed into things with B.irealized with perfect clarity last night it went from B being the one more into me and me on a pedestal to me putting too much energy on him by the end.i got attached. That's exactly when it fell apart. I learned playing it cool isnt playing games,but it is something that is beneficial to do with all things from an energy/loa perspective to keep us balanced and things in our favor. i had wanted so much to give everything to B(metaphorically)and to not play games and to just be "real" and now i realize as much as i should love and comfort that desire of mine,playing it cool isn't being fake,but is something that is beneficial to us,for our own healing and balance and staying centered. there is no big soul lesson with B that's been revealed,which is one of many reasons i don't think we are done,the universe just wanted me to check myself and get me back on the right path,and have me see is this what I even want.i think i needed this time to see things more clearly and it makes sense loa wise how this happened now. i feel almost a sense of dejavu as i write this.i took myself off the pedestal way too quickly. if i had played it cool like i did from the beginning,this never would've happened. i was acting low value by the end.i'm glad the lessons of why this fell apart has come to me.i thus far believe B and I are meant to explore more with each other,and this was just the universe's way of saying time out and check with yourself about what you are doing and what's really going on. with how bizarre things have went since we last saw each other,that's the only thing that makes sense. By tomorrow,i will likely stop mentioning him on here and another forum as well,to more fully implement no contact,since that's the last thing i need to cut that has anything to do with him.
-deciding that i iwll spend 5 minutes every hour until i go to sleep to just sit in silence.i guess you could say it's meditation but less regimented.i did this once,and got a lot of clarity from it. so much good and healing happens when you give yourself nothing and that space of nothing.i think my more regimented meditation isn't as disciplined and i will change how i do it since it's guided and i lay down and think too much during it. taking 5 minutes an hour to do nothing is somehow much more powerful.
-the color green.it's my favorite color. B wore green sometimes and had some green in his apartment. i had been wanting green in my apartment for some time now and i think i will start looking into that finally. it's such a healing and energizing color.
-almond milk
-clean diets
-finding something cool i wanted for valentine's day
-being a witty,and thoughtful writer and really good at writing notes,and online dating profiles. i'm quite good with words.
-weird things that stop me in my tracks and go hmm. such as today,at the salon,they played the exact song as last week iwas there the day B officially told me this wont work out. this lyric kept standing out "when everything's made to be broken,i just want you to know who i am." this song seems to sum up me and B quite well. both of us being very in tune saying nothing in life is perfect and how he has these things he was hiding and i found them out and it made him vulnerable and embarrassed and that's when he ran away. i adore him.i want to say love because i'm a spiritual person and feel those feelings perhaps somewhat easy but that's nothing to be ashamed about.i never thought i'd go out with a nerdy guy,and fall for one,but even with his dork-ish traits that sometimes slightly embarrass me,i like him.i feel a kismet connection to him.
-my loving spiritual music i found in january. how healed and loving it makes me feel listening to it.
-my desires
-getting my ambition and desire to be productive back again. today has been the most normal day since this time last week so that is good.i feel a little lonely and empty and have since B did this to me,but i know i'll be ok,and to be strong and embrace it
-the weather being nicer and snow melting
-serendipity
-things that come about reminding me of my own spiritual awakening
-the little things in life
-my best friend and how amazing he is and that God sent him to me.how much he's grown as a person.
-colors and what can be done with colors
-the sun
-fresh air and how great it feels
-my wisdom
-how soft,open,and vulnerable i feel. it's maybe scary for some,but it helps me relax actually. it's a deeper surrender to feel cuddly,and wounded,and a desire to love and be loved,and to admit i feel really hurt.i feel helpless,sort of and though that's not an empowering word,i think it's ok to admit weakness
-my goals. as hard as it may be to believe in certain things ever happening,and as heartbroken as i feel about many things in life,i know,in good time,things do manifest
-my maturity and that all the things i've been through and has made me a more accepting person then the average person
-observing reality
-my accomplishments
-the things that intrigue me. for example,buddhism lately is intriguing me. not sure why.
-time slowing down this last hour. a good sign.
-yoga pants
-nice people
-knowing that this month and next are significant so just to sit tight and not worry about things.and,by then april,well that'll be a hard month,plus it might be eclipse again. these next few months will be intense.i shouldnt and am not trying to predict and control life,but i do think starting now that the next few months will be interesting and a lot of unfolding
-all the work offers kicking in and how busy my life can get depending on what i accept
-dreamt of B four days at least in a row now. wonder what that means.
-relaxation and surrender
-all the epiphanies from even just 5 minutes of real meditation. so grateful. im still feeling the affects.
-inner guidance
-how thoughtful iam
-my desire to love and be love
-getting my favorite incense yesterday
-not taking things personally especially after seeing some people have negative biases and just want to shut down all kinds of things no matter what even when it makes no sense and so is clearly just a negative bias they are projecting.

[buttercup]

-coca cola. a vice but i'm being easy on myself during this time
-pretzels
-candy
-valentines day.i could care less about society and guys who are jerks,it is one of my favorite holidays and to me is about love in general and all month i consider it love month.
-after getting upset yesterday telling friend i believe in loa you'd think i'd be a better manifestor and i do believe in it with all my heart,but i havent been a good manifestor in years. what went wrong? i made it too complicated over time by trying too hard with different methods and not even controlling my mind in the moment. it's so simple,it's hard. but,it's not that hard. it's just training,discipline,and a little bit of willpower. going back to the basics again. simple thought control and daily simple non guided meditation. i've seen so much when i actually make the little bit of effort of what it's all about how quickly things change but intead i choose to be lazy and do methods. keep it simple! just control your mind.i really dislike law of attraction coaches and such for this reason. they make it so complicated. even the secret does! sure,it's got it purposes,those things,but overall,they only made it more complicated for me when iread more books and things onilne,because it makes it too much of a process such as ask,believe,recieve,and you worry about letting go and you worry about if you are accidentally blocking it with your thoughts by not having perfect wording,which is ridiculous. if you just control your mind,that's all you need to do. you don't need perfect wording or to let go. letting go comes naturally anyways as does raising your vibration when you control your mind. don't think about steps or the mechanics or the ways you will get in your way. just keep your mind generally clear and only think the thoughts you want. i made an loa challenge to myself to do this for a full week. the insane amount of change in someone's life to keep this up for a week would be miraculous. i failed after two hours and let a little doubt curtail me but in those two hours,i manifested some little things including a friend getting back to me and being a little chattier and getting awful knots out of my hair super quickly and just an overall more peaceful,clear mood. i'm back on it,and doing it again. this is so easy,just don't complicate it and don't get lazy. the feeling of well being that will take over you is amazing.you will feel yourself gently smile and feel relaxed and it's not in a super excited way,but just a nice,sane,rational way. it's really good. i'm grateful for getting back on track with this,and will keep it up.i manifested likes on a post i made real quick where the me before the last 48 hours would've expected none so i know it was intention manifestation. stop expecting. stop waiting. stop looking around. just feel good. be natural. think the thoughts that feel good. it'll all work itself out when you do this.
-deciding in my pain last night after the doubt thought curtailed me to contact the lost love...that's kind of huge...like really huge,really..and i did it so randomly..all the pain of 2014 has just made me a lot more i don't care anymore and more fearless.i would rather know things these days. it didn't go super well,but again,i think i just wanted to do it just to not feel it weird anymore. it made me think more he is a sociopath. he is J. he acted as if i was just a faraway stranger and crazy and like he was being nice talking to me and like i was the one in the wrong. and he did it all in a way where it was supposed to be charming. he wasn't mean. he responded right away and quickly. and he just sounded very off and eerie.maybe he really just didn't know how to respond but his way of responding definitely had an odd tone. it was as if he was a celebrity talking to some girl he used to hang out with years ago but was never close to and pitied. it made me sad that you can spend time with someone,and years can pass,and they can be meaningless to you. it made my mind wander to B,even except B is not a sociopath and I had hunches J was back then. It just made me wander to a lot of people and if i dated more jerks then i realize and am too into them in comparison to me. but,i know it's not true.i seen J's face when we had accidentally had that weird running into each other occurence almost year after we stopped speaking and it was priceless.it made me wonder about other guys and people who i hardly knew or did know but drifted from. i'm usually someone people can meet only once and can remember vividly years later. I mean,even A,all those years later,and he acted like we were long lost buddies when i ran into him and like he had been hurt by me. it made me see A is a good guy and is more real at least,and maybe more of the real thing then J. it seems,also i know a lot of superficial people,and i am one,too and we focus so much on our success and careers and egos. the J messaging was just awkward,but in a way helpful,as right now i affirms i am someone people remember years later and not depending on how much we hung out,and that people put on all kinds of facades and to just keep affirming to be the person i want to be.i meet a lot of people in my life,and i am someone who makes an impact. it's not odd for me because of my field to meet someone once then years later talk to them like it's not a big deal,or to really enjoy talking to them again,but maybe for some others,it's weird to them. that's their problem.
-color therapy
-desires for my apartment to add green since it's my favorite color and to decorate it more green and how healing that will be
-ideas
-best friend being on the spiritual path now,finally,it seems.i remember i had wanted that for awhile. guess that's another manifestation.
-moisturizing lip balms
-water and how good it is for you
-tanning beds and how good they make me feel
-getting a little work done last night,so getting back to being productive again
-how beautiful i am
-how young and feminine and european my face looks
-the J stuff giving me clarity even if it hurt about being more detached and kinda helping me have more closure in some ways and to just follow my pleasures instead of feeling in bondage by lost loves and potential loves
-yoga pants
-sweaters
-style
-my success and all i have going for me.i just need to see it more,and focus on it more in a way that brings me pleasure
-getting things started with getting organized tonight and yesterday finally and updating a little
-a really nice,tasty,high protein meal last night
-vitamins
-high protein foods and how great they make me feel and look
-getting back on track with exercise again and how great that makes me feel
-using J as inspiration to be more into fitness and more into success and winning,and keeping my thoughts only on what i want.i already am like that,but J makes me want to bring it out more. i am very emotional. he is very not. his lack of emotions enables him to sail through much quicker.
-that even if it takes time,i always do win it anyways
-abraham emotional guidance scale to help me see where i'm at when mood boosting.
-music
-love
-romance
-being a believer in things that others think is crazy and being myself and not giving up on that.
-freedom and the nothing to lose mindset that comes the more you lose
-new photos in my email that i had been waiting for and that they are not so bad
-my wisdom
-my personality
-knowing it's all me,it's all about the inner work. anything in disarray on the outside,it just something that needs healing within me
-that beauty that is like mine has become much more popular lately and trendy even in magazines that are catered to a men's magazine audience since that makes it mainstream and sexy
-instagram
-my innocence
-fun moments that make me laugh and laugh remembering them. the silly moments that when reflecting look so cinematic.
-being a fun person
-how accepting of a person i am and nonjudgemental
-beauty
-the sexy moments i enjoy remembering and the romantic ones

[buttercup]

-how funny life can be
-positive energy send to me
-my mind being quieter
-how much B has left my mind
-observing my thoughts and reality
-coffee
-almond milk
-music
-love
-inspiration
-all the inspiring moments and people and things in my life that i remember to inspire me to push it with creating my reality and trusting life
-how much quieter i feel with my mind becoming quiet
-the little bursts of my vibration raising i feel of my mind feeling good and happier
-new tank tops i got in the mail that are stylish and one is green so i finally have green i can wear on st.patricks day which i want to go out on since for years i've wanted to go out on st.patricks days and have yet to
-positive tarot reading before bed. i've cut back on doing those and it's helped a lot.
-doing really well with no contact
-mercury being direct
-high protein foods
-5 minutes an hour meditation sessions and how great they make me feel
-how much more detached i feel in comparison to just two days ago
-inspiration to live and better my life
-heat
-the sun
-snow melted off the balcony so i can go sit out there if i want
-a present for me
-expanding myself and growing as a person
-my strength
-instagram
-miracles
-compliments
-my open-mindedness
-checking in with myself to see how i'm feeling
-determination to keep up with the loa challenge. i've not gone full 24 hours with it,i'd have experienced many miraculous changes if i had but i keep picking myself up again at least and am not giving up
-sleeping better. B being in another dream of mine again. i dream of him almost everyday,it's odd.
-the sounds of the birds outside
-the sounds in the middle of the night of cars driving by and of the trains. it is so soothing
-examining my desires,examining me and who i am and where i'm going. i'm now convinced i'm going through some sort of purging and renewing of myself phase. B is unlike D. i know it in my heart. D intrigued me but i knew logically it couldn't work i just tried to enjoy the ride. B i can see logically working and fits all my desires of what i want. the issues we had i know could be worked through and aren't unfixable. his annoying traits,i more then likely could tolerate. and,as bad as it sounds,maybe it sounds "wrong" but i like the idea of making him better and him growing with me. i like it ALOT.i like the idea of no matter what happening,him remembering me fondly because he'd grow from me. my first boyfriend i made better because i taught him style and things. and,as you get older,you realize you don't need "perfect." An example if how exciting J was and fun but he is likely a sociopath and we burned out quick. B is more boring and not very smooth,but he is stable. minus his pushing me away right now,that is. he has qualities of someone i'd like to explore further. despite all that's happened and me detaching and realizing i don't "need" him,i do still want him. mercury is direct now,and i'm remembering his flaws,and he is still what i want. not just because my ego is hurt,not just to win,or anything like that,but because he qualities that make my life better and make me better,and i know in all my heart,ican make him better and his life better.i said that to him.that i could teach him things and he could teach me things. it'd be equal. there is no me being better then him if we were together.he was very insecure that night. mercury direct has brought me a lot more clarity and feeling more sane in my mind.i appreciate that.
-how into love and healing i am and how this shows in who i am as a person and my interests
-strength building exercises
-being feminine
-fitness

[buttercup]

awful day today. spilled tea on my keyboard,volatile emotions,and feeling all over the place with moods such as empty,lonely,guilty,angry,etc,etc. realized my root chakra is quite unbalanced too so listening to music heal that and move up as i do my gratitude list.
-not being average
-having a mindset that doesn't believe in the limitations and restrictions the average mindset does
-checking in with myself to see how i feel and how i can heal it so i can balance myself. like,my diet has been crap again the two days and my mood went down with it so that shows i need to get back on track with diet.wrists been bothering me which shows holistically a lack of movement and ease in life which makes sense so i will do yoga for wrists.my body has felt weaker in general too like it's stressed and feel like it's calling for yoga so i may do some deep yoga the next few days.
-the junk foods i ate tonight. i know it's not helping me inside but sometimes you need to let yourself eat crappy food and feel bad.iit's the equivalent for me of the girl getting dumped eating icecream. had hummus,coke,candy hearts,and crackers and enjoyed it very much. funny enough,that doesn't even sound that bad compared to what some may consider junk food but for me that is bad.it's funny and interesting how my body has gotten all this weakness and pains and i've been overeating ever since two weeks ago. it shows i'm affected by things.my poor shoulders,wrists feel awful and my body just is craving yoga and i've been wanting to eat everything which makes sense since i feel so empty it's like i'm trying to fill myself up
-this root chakra music i am listening to now. it is helping. if i feel drawn to something that will make me feel good,i will do it as long as i don't get obsessive about loa processes,it's ok to do things you feel drawn to.
-the sounds of the cars at night,and the sounds of birds chirping. so soothing.
-my ex A contacting me randomly. it made me feel good actually. he was being dominant in a way some may find offensive but didnt bother me and trying to kidnap me. lol. he was saying he was drunk though and it was early and it seemed i was better off declining the invite. i almost went as it felt the distraction may be good for me but someone told me their intution told them i shouldnt go,and i also felt maybe i should keep my standards higher since it seemed he possibly wanted to hookup.however,strangely,after i declined,i felt in a better mood. being invited out boosted my mood and got me more positive again.
-my cardio workout and how good it felt to jump it out.
-after ex invited me out,i came across an inspiring thread on loa forum about ex back and that put me in a good mood reading it and taking some inspiration from it and seeing i'm not forgiving myself at all,i keep trying to backtrack what i did wrong and am not forgiving myself at all.i had felt inkling of that too the other day,that forgivenes is something i need to do for myself to speed up healing.i keep worrying of this or that wrong and eff that. that's not loving myself. loving myself is loving me mistakes and all and not obsessing,but being ok with it,and letting it go. how are you going to manifest if there's any un at ease anyways? so,cleared that blockage up.the thread inspired me a lot with being reminded to love myself and kept my vibe up again for a few hours.
-the little bursts of visualizing i did and feeling my third eye chakra move and the strong hits of energy i sent and the idea i had to use sexual thoughts to make it stronger since i've not done that yet either and know that to be very powerful. i will start doing more visualizing. it's a great skill to develop and very empowering.
-best friend saying that's exactly the symptom he gets too when i asked if the forehead sensation i have is what he gets,too.
-realizing i manifested best friend to be really into spirituality.i had affirmed for that for some time now and today he revealed he even believes in the possibility of past lives now
-my personality
-healing
-how empowered i felt from visualizing and certain
-that i can only go up from here. all the symptoms,and now i'll heal each one and move up more and more.i haven't been trying enough because i've lacked the self love but now i will.
-the aquarius info from the message boards online that helped
-how inspired i am after the last of crabby moods and a fight with best friend that made me feel like i'm using this energy of pain and anger and all this b.s and i'm going to become better for it,and stronger,and have a awakening.i'm going to go back to august. that bliss of august. after the pain of losing loved one,in august,i discovered something achingly intense and beautiful and affirming of healing that changed me and i had just moved to my new apartment and remember i told myself when i took time out to sort of heal and do some meditations and went to a very meditative place,i told myself to remember anytime life gets hard,i can come back here,and i'll be ok then. that place. that meditative place. it was the beautiful porch balcony i loved,but it was metaphorically the meditative place i spoke of since i knew the next day i'd be going back to life again. that's what i'm going back to. i'm using this unexpected setback to inspire me to me better,and heal in new ways,and become better then ever at loa and manifest new deeply healing miracles because i found something back in august and it was amazing and i can always go back there. it's funny but a memory of the last reflective thing i had in my mind back then was A who is intense connection i feel that i've never even kissed,and he randomly messaged right after that. that place is a magic place that sorts me out and allows me to manifest easy things that only in a low vibe place do i consider them tricky.i manifested texts from D in that place,to a check i thought would never come,all from just gently guiding myself there. it's amazing and eerie how much time has passed but solace is knowing time is no time,is one time.lol. living in a riddle soothes me. i'm so grateful for the super inspiration i got from all this intense wtf pain. the inspiration to be stronger,better,and remember truth again. i've felt sooo guilty,and i forgot what you seek is seeking you. my favorite quote.i think i did get lazy a little with B stuff going on and that maybe all this happened to remind me of how much better i can be and how much more for me is out there,and to push it otherwise i would get too lazy and lower myself.i mean,i didn't feel that at all with B. i got a little content,yes but still felt inspired to go for it,i got a little attached,but still loved myself,but maybe if i kept going down that path,i would've started to lower my confidence and i would've gotten content and the universe wanted to remind that hey wait up,you are powerful and can have so much and need to make sure you keep growing. again,thought i was growing,but maybe i had to make sure i was really ready to see how powerful i can be. maybe i had to do these crazy things i wouldn't have done if B hadn't said this wasnt working out. trying these dating sites just to affirm for me,it doesnt work and that you only meet people when it's right,and to contact J just to see thats done and to just know,and of course,that look you are in control of your reality but you are letting your reality control you. it's been a bizarre two weeks. scary,too.
-realizing how much i need to get my life in gear. bad timing,maybe but maybe also good timing,point is,i need to get it in gear.i have no idea where these last two weeks went! but,i have intentions for this year.
-how loving and kind i feel and want to be towards others.i am inspired by love of the spiritual sense and how i see spiritual teachers i admire being. it used to seem fake to me but now i admire it
-all the inspiration around me
-all the things i want to do
-keeping my thoughts positive in the moment
-the awesome vday ecard that is hilarious to send best friend
-acknowledging my feelings and healing and guiding them. knowing i create my reality.
-believing in certain things healing
-when certain people from my past tell me i'm a ---- when i say something complaining about my looks basically saying i have no reason to complain and reminding me to have confidence because i'm very beautiful in an above average kind of way and have already proven that.

[buttercup]

awful day today. spilled tea on my keyboard,volatile emotions,and feeling all over the place with moods such as empty,lonely,guilty,angry,etc,etc. realized my root chakra is quite unbalanced too so listening to music heal that and move up as i do my gratitude list.
-not being average
-having a mindset that doesn't believe in the limitations and restrictions the average mindset does
-checking in with myself to see how i feel and how i can heal it so i can balance myself. like,my diet has been crap again the two days and my mood went down with it so that shows i need to get back on track with diet.wrists been bothering me which shows holistically a lack of movement and ease in life which makes sense so i will do yoga for wrists.my body has felt weaker in general too like it's stressed and feel like it's calling for yoga so i may do some deep yoga the next few days.
-the junk foods i ate tonight. i know it's not helping me inside but sometimes you need to let yourself eat crappy food and feel bad.iit's the equivalent for me of the girl getting dumped eating icecream. had hummus,coke,candy hearts,and crackers and enjoyed it very much. funny enough,that doesn't even sound that bad compared to what some may consider junk food but for me that is bad.it's funny and interesting how my body has gotten all this weakness and pains and i've been overeating ever since two weeks ago. it shows i'm affected by things.my poor shoulders,wrists feel awful and my body just is craving yoga and i've been wanting to eat everything which makes sense since i feel so empty it's like i'm trying to fill myself up
-this root chakra music i am listening to now. it is helping. if i feel drawn to something that will make me feel good,i will do it as long as i don't get obsessive about loa processes,it's ok to do things you feel drawn to.
-the sounds of the cars at night,and the sounds of birds chirping. so soothing.
-my ex A contacting me randomly. it made me feel good actually. he was being dominant in a way some may find offensive but didnt bother me and trying to kidnap me. lol. he was saying he was drunk though and it was early and it seemed i was better off declining the invite. i almost went as it felt the distraction may be good for me but someone told me their intution told them i shouldnt go,and i also felt maybe i should keep my standards higher since it seemed he possibly wanted to hookup.however,strangely,after i declined,i felt in a better mood. being invited out boosted my mood and got me more positive again.
-my cardio workout and how good it felt to jump it out.
-after ex invited me out,i came across an inspiring thread on loa forum about ex back and that put me in a good mood reading it and taking some inspiration from it and seeing i'm not forgiving myself at all,i keep trying to backtrack what i did wrong and am not forgiving myself at all.i had felt inkling of that too the other day,that forgivenes is something i need to do for myself to speed up healing.i keep worrying of this or that wrong and eff that. that's not loving myself. loving myself is loving me mistakes and all and not obsessing,but being ok with it,and letting it go. how are you going to manifest if there's any un at ease anyways? so,cleared that blockage up.the thread inspired me a lot with being reminded to love myself and kept my vibe up again for a few hours.
-the little bursts of visualizing i did and feeling my third eye chakra move and the strong hits of energy i sent and the idea i had to use sexual thoughts to make it stronger since i've not done that yet either and know that to be very powerful. i will start doing more visualizing. it's a great skill to develop and very empowering.
-best friend saying that's exactly the symptom he gets too when i asked if the forehead sensation i have is what he gets,too.
-realizing i manifested best friend to be really into spirituality.i had affirmed for that for some time now and today he revealed he even believes in the possibility of past lives now
-my personality
-healing
-how empowered i felt from visualizing and certain
-that i can only go up from here. all the symptoms,and now i'll heal each one and move up more and more.i haven't been trying enough because i've lacked the self love but now i will.
-the aquarius info from the message boards online that helped
-how inspired i am after the last of crabby moods and a fight with best friend that made me feel like i'm using this energy of pain and anger and all this b.s and i'm going to become better for it,and stronger,and have a awakening.i'm going to go back to august. that bliss of august. after the pain of losing loved one,in august,i discovered something achingly intense and beautiful and affirming of healing that changed me and i had just moved to my new apartment and remember i told myself when i took time out to sort of heal and do some meditations and went to a very meditative place,i told myself to remember anytime life gets hard,i can come back here,and i'll be ok then. that place. that meditative place. it was the beautiful porch balcony i loved,but it was metaphorically the meditative place i spoke of since i knew the next day i'd be going back to life again. that's what i'm going back to. i'm using this unexpected setback to inspire me to me better,and heal in new ways,and become better then ever at loa and manifest new deeply healing miracles because i found something back in august and it was amazing and i can always go back there. it's funny but a memory of the last reflective thing i had in my mind back then was A who is intense connection i feel that i've never even kissed,and he randomly messaged right after that. that place is a magic place that sorts me out and allows me to manifest easy things that only in a low vibe place do i consider them tricky.i manifested texts from D in that place,to a check i thought would never come,all from just gently guiding myself there. it's amazing and eerie how much time has passed but solace is knowing time is no time,is one time.lol. living in a riddle soothes me. i'm so grateful for the super inspiration i got from all this intense wtf pain. the inspiration to be stronger,better,and remember truth again. i've felt sooo guilty,and i forgot what you seek is seeking you. my favorite quote.i think i did get lazy a little with B stuff going on and that maybe all this happened to remind me of how much better i can be and how much more for me is out there,and to push it otherwise i would get too lazy and lower myself.i mean,i didn't feel that at all with B. i got a little content,yes but still felt inspired to go for it,i got a little attached,but still loved myself,but maybe if i kept going down that path,i would've started to lower my confidence and i would've gotten content and the universe wanted to remind that hey wait up,you are powerful and can have so much and need to make sure you keep growing. again,thought i was growing,but maybe i had to make sure i was really ready to see how powerful i can be. maybe i had to do these crazy things i wouldn't have done if B hadn't said this wasnt working out. trying these dating sites just to affirm for me,it doesnt work and that you only meet people when it's right,and to contact J just to see thats done and to just know,and of course,that look you are in control of your reality but you are letting your reality control you. it's been a bizarre two weeks. scary,too.
-realizing how much i need to get my life in gear. bad timing,maybe but maybe also good timing,point is,i need to get it in gear.i have no idea where these last two weeks went! but,i have intentions for this year.
-how loving and kind i feel and want to be towards others.i am inspired by love of the spiritual sense and how i see spiritual teachers i admire being. it used to seem fake to me but now i admire it
-all the inspiration around me
-all the things i want to do
-keeping my thoughts positive in the moment
-the awesome vday ecard that is hilarious to send best friend
-acknowledging my feelings and healing and guiding them. knowing i create my reality.
-believing in certain things healing
-when certain people from my past tell me i'm a ---- when i say something complaining about my looks basically saying i have no reason to complain and reminding me to have confidence because i'm very beautiful in an above average kind of way and have already proven that.
-that the day passed and nothing bad actually happened.i had worries all day,and got through it with nothing bad.i know now tomorrow will be easier. and have a feeling by monday and sunday life will be better and smoother,and things will make more sense and good manifestations will come and that this time phase was just a mess but by then it'll be smooth sailing and clarity.

[buttercup]

-all the crying. it is a release i need and i know is helping me to heal and let go.
-understanding and learning myself through my wounds. i am learning i feel a lot of guilt right now and wanted B to feel my pain and the pressures i always feel that no one can understand and seeing how that's all connected.i feel not adequate and guilty about it.
-that it's the last day of eating junk food before back to clean eating and i'm excited for it.
-inspiration
-trying again another dating app just for being curious because i cannot fathom how people use these and seeing again this just doesnt resonate with me. i haven't clicked like to hardly anyone,and the 2 or so i did was just to have clicked anyone.i will be deleting this app probably monday. i think besides wanting to make sure i'm not being too old fashioned shunning these,i kind of wanted a one time rebound date to distract me a bit. no kissing or anything but drinks and a chance to complain about B to someone but that'd probably not actually help.
-my desire to open myself up and want to be vulnerable and expose my wounds.
-candies and sweets
-in the afternoon all of a sudden feeling that i don't care that it's valentines day in a happy sort of way,relieving way. it was then irealized i had subconsciously cared and made it out to be more important this time around and it was subconsciously making me less happy,instead of treating it like no big deal like i usually do. this made me feel such relief.
-the internet and all the cool creations on the internet in this day and age
-wanting to thank others and tell them what i appreciate about them
-all the things i want to do.i feel broken open. deciding i think i might buy some paint tomorrow and get into painting again and how healing it will be to get out these feelings and i want to write poetry too so maybe doing poetry paintings.
-something beautiful i really took to today,though i've noticed before but didn't take to it as much. playing with the tarot again,i dont know why i still do,but figured it was a good cue on my vibration for manifesting if nothing else and so pulled a card after asking question that happened to be a card in my head i said i hope,i don't get. then shortly after,i had been thinking about a different card i had gotten which was positive a few days ago,and got that. it was so inconsistent that it made no sense and was showing me the law of attraction in action! I was pulling the cards my subconscious had on it's mind. it was ridiculous and i had known it all this time,but it was showing me the tarot is a waste of time,and can be a very negative thing but in that,it showed me something powerful,the law of attraction at work! the perfect play tool to show the loa at work is to manifest picking a certain card. Think of that card,then draw it! I remember as a child having thoughts like this as the subconscious subtle inkling that we can choose things with our thoughts but i wasnt there yet with realizing it or believing it,as children we sort of know though,and adults when we arent clouded that if we are mischievious and think a certain thing,that's what we'll pull,and this applies to all things! we just get clouded and distracted and forget this truth. i know without a doubt all of this is my creation,because i can see years ago how i thought about it,and now it's here. even to things like the internet. it's very very freaky in fact,which is why i think the truth gets so distracted.i love this and love all my memories of flickerings of remembering when the universe was trying to tell me something and show me. pain is inspiring.i feel so broken up and am just now seeing the beauty of it. but,it's not in a soul lesson like others who were done,because i know B isn't done,this is different,i feel it.i didn't need to get broken open,i was in the midst of being on a path already from it,i think i'm just using this to open me up more while things unfold. because,it's going to be good,oh so good
-chatting metaphysics with best friend and realizing more things and saying how when you do energy sending on someone a few times,you never have to again,when they manifest back to you,because they end up always drawn to you from then on no matter what does on in your lives,doing that sort of creates a bind. the work now pays off.
-remembering i need to stop believing in psychic attack,and karma and other disempowering things or relying on someone else to send me energy as it weakens me to rely on that. it someone wants to,that's great,but i am the creator of my reality,and can change my reality.
-looking in the mirror and seeing how awful i looked today and aged. i appreciate that because it shows me what a low vibration and not taking care of myself is doing. i've been craving face yoga,yoga,clean eating,positive thinking,to get my eyebrows done,etc,etc and it's time to give myself more of that.
-all my ideas and desires.i want to go to sculpture park,paint,start doing more makeup and going glamourous with my hair and makeup more and take more pictures of myself as i'm really inspired by the power of makeup in the last months
-to start acting more glamourous and like a celebrity, not in a conceited way or annoying way,but in a being more charismatic way and holding myself higher and allowing myself to be an inspiration and to not care what others think but to trust myself and be a trendsetter. i imagine myself as a celebrity and can see it clearly and i'm beautiful and me,so that's how i will start acting
-that I HAVE gotten more of a control on my mind the last few days. it goes back and forth but it is getting better. it will improve even more.
-that i will clean the apartment start to finish as vday gift to my roommate
-a social possibility that popped up that looked fun. a meetup showed up in my email that actually looks like something i'd want to do and is the perfect meetup for me to go to. things are looking up,little by little,things are expanding.
-my power
-sweaters
-my favorite incense unlock
-the nice deep sleep i've been getting
-knowing how great I can be
-abundance
-the things i like
-all that i want to create
-positive energy
-how unique i am
-relief
-instagram
-relief that happens when you let go a little and get even just a little bit happy
-the certainty that if things don't happen anyday now because of my vibe,it'll end up happening super intense in a month or two but no matter what it'll happen because too much very strong energy for it not,to
-getting an online thing updated and organized a little. little things right now count,at least i'm being productive a little.

[buttercup]

-pillows
-yoga
-how healing last night was. doing face yoga and yoga and cleaning up my eyebrows and cleaning the whole apartment i felt so much better. doing yoga last night felt so good,it was literally pleasure,that's how sore my body has been from stress.
-during sleep in and out of sleeping,thoughts back and forth telling me it's time to let go of B now,it's time to move on and detach. it didn't quite get there though part of me holding on a little bit,but at the same time trying to push it,to push the detachment since i needed to while being guided to do so is what i think it was.
-the crying i've let myself do and how releasing it is
-sweaters
-the little meditation breaks
-vegan chocolate and clean eating and supporting charities by eating it
-all the chakra music i've been listening to. it has been playing a part in helping
-yoga. it's so needed right now and i need to do more of it
-focusing on healing
-an opportunity to hang out with females and go dancing in a favorite neighborhood of mine next week
-expressing my feelings
-a delicious high protein vegan dinner
-coffee
-water
-mason jars
-smiling and allowing myself to feel an inner smile even if it feels almost psychotic to do so considering things
-the freedom i am finding from all i have lost
-the paint materials i bought,and the beautiful,healing,blissful two hours or so i spent painting and immersing myself in a creative outlet. listening to my favorite songs that make me feel,while burning my favorite incense,and having tea and chocolate and just letting myself feel my feelings and let go. i thought more darkness would come out,but my painting is so light it's like candy. and i love what i've created so far.i am so excited for this outlet,and the perfect materials i bought,last time after the first time i painted,i couldn't figure out the perfect materials i had originally used that worked so well,and now i have. it feels so good to have an outlet and to feel and just let myself express and to be an artist and to create
-updating online work of mine and posting it on a social media and getting likes on it. it's been so long since i've updated that,and it felt so good to do so again,and it made me feel so appreciative of the work i've done and seen myself in a positive light,better then i had in awhile,it felt nice to see myself good again like that and reconsider my perspective of myself in a good way. and to be productive and do something i've wanted to do and put myself out there again
-all my ideas and all the things i want to do. there is no shortage of actions i wish to take,and things i want to get done,that is for sure!i am alive with desires,at least.
-laptop working better,thought not quite working yet. staying positive and knowing it will work next time we try
-inspirations and all the lovely things i am drawn to and adoring. third eye chakra open inspired lately. all the wonderful info and learning and re-learning about and wanting business partner to illustrate it for me and immerse myself in art of the third eye chakra open since it's a chakra i really want to work with right now
-all the things i am drawn to doing and will do still to make myself feel better,and heal more. because,i am drawn to them,not because i feel i have to. keeping it simple,and following what feels good
-freeing myself from opinions and influence that don't serve my highest good
-all the delicious food ideas i want to try
-my beautiful red tulips
-being mature enough to accept certain things and be reasonable
-delicious macarons i have yet to get to eating
-being pretty
-all the positive comments on a new work photo on work site and the validation that the photo is doing good
-being sexy
-that i have now detached from B to the point of no longer needing him. obviously,i knew that intellectually since the start,but now feeling it in my heart,and seeing ahead the fun and great i can have without him in the near future. i'm literally about a 1% away from being fully detached.i can feel it. i'm just about right there. and,i'm enjoying the journey now to getting there. i'm enjoying the being broken open from pain and remembering the important things and loving myself and showing the world how great i am and the delicious ecstatic bliss that will come from the journey of attracting him back. we get so caught up in things being one way and when it doesn't panicing because we don't understand,not realizing the beautiful wonderful ways we can turn things in our favor and find a way to enjoy the unpleasant by,for example enjoying the walk back to love,the walk back to one another,etc,etc just like Abraham says in one of my favorite quotes about the joy of the process of manifestation and the joy of it manifesting. enjoy the process and unfolding not just the end point and there was some quote relating it to sex of how the unfolding is like the buildup and the manifestation itself like the orgasm. kind of out there but use contrast to your benefit.
-loving myself so much now,more and more and all the ways to love myself. skipping coke for the first day so getting diet back on track and not buying any for the week when i stopped at store
-being a king person
-getting groceries today
-all the abundance in my life
-acknowleding my feelings,my pain,my confusion
-knowing this week is going to be pretty damn good and a fresh new start
-my ideas still to write out all the qualities B had that i really liked and to do quantum healing so i can go in deeper to manage my ocd since that's one thing that has been in overdrive
-how insanely inspired i am and that i'm the kind of person who gets insanely inspired from their pain.
-remembering what's really important and to not let the more petty things(like B)get you too down
-all the things i love
-me,myself,and personality
-being confident enough to be me,and to let go of the opinions of others
-that i am beautiful
-that i am talented
-that i am kind
-that i am accomplished
-that i've done cool things in this life,and will continue to
-that i am a thoughtful person
-that i march to the beat of my own drummer
-art
-work things to immerse myself in tomorrow
-managing all that i have to do and staying calm about it
-music. music that makes me feel deeply and resonates to music that is sexy to music that is just fun and cool
-possibly a sign about B,but if not,it's ok i had doubt about the sign coming so i know it's all good and will still work out
-all the beautiful things in life
-how high vibration i am. the first time i've been high vibration since B told me it won't work
-poetry,lyrics,and beautiful words
-double the likes on some pics on ig of mine i noticed today

[buttercup]

-how great i feel today and back to normal. the first day since the day after I last seen B that I feel back to normal again.i am sooo so grateful.i feel cleansed.
-sportsbras and how great i look in them
-inexpensive tanks in lots of great basic and young looking bright colors that really add to my wardrobe
-my lovely tulips and the great pic i got of them
-my lovely painting session i had last night and that I get to paint today again
-how free i feel from the pain of B and detached that I can cry almost. freedom is a great feeling
-deciding last night to text D before bed apologizing. I don't know why but i kept feeling drawn to the last few days so i just did. maybe i was worrying about karma and my harshness after how things got with B out of nowwhere which i don't even believe in or maybe i just was craving peace after B abandoning me,but it helped texting him
-makeup
-going for a nice short walk today
-the sun shining
-getting signs today! little ones that are subtle but still from the meetup changing to the place where B and I had a significant date of ours after it had been at a place he mentioned before,to getting an animal symbol twice,little things like that which make me go hmm
-my friend E texting me today.i was a little worried if he would or not but knew he had to and there was no reason he wouldn't and he did and invited me to a party this weekend oddly,enough,it might be a party of someone i met before which isn't the odd part,but that the person may know B,and definitely knows the woman B hates and other people B knows if it's the person who i think it is's party and I don't think E is close enough to me or B to try and keep me and B separated from running into each other or even would know to since it's not his party. i doubt B will be there,and he may not even know this person well enough but it's on his side of the city,and either way,i'm also getting more into E's circle which is some of B's circle. and,a chance to meet new friends.
-getting things done today.
-all the social media things to post
-that i woke up earlier today for some reason. a good sign,since i've been sleeping late and deep lately
-coffee
-all the likes and compliments on new work i posted,i even wonder if that played a part in E contacting because he seen that
-music
-how lightened my to do list now feels and how it doesn't feel like i have too much to do now
-art
-creativity
-how empowered i feel that i create my reality
-being above average in appearance
-abundance
-how much time i have today to do things
-how clean my apartment is
-being in the fashion industry
-my confidence going up
-that being patient with my healing has paid off
-smiling

[buttercup]

-meditation
-an inner smile
-mood perking up after a crabby start
-vegan dark chocolate
-protein water
-tofu eggs
-coffee
-going tanning today
-great music and discovering new songs
-a nice cardio workout
-getting the things iwanted to get done so far and having plenty of time to focus on some quantum healing meditating and visualizing exercises that i've not done in about two weeks
-my best friend who i can talk to about things when i'm upset
-positive attention and brava for work i post
-being inspired
-knowing i have to catch up,and distract myself positively to move forward and bring about my desires as hard as it may be.i don't know why after how great january was,feb had to turn so awful,but i'm too close to analyze and understand right now,and just need to pick myself up more and more right now
-great law of attraction advice
-open minded people and concepts
-funny comments online from people
-calmness
-yoga and that my body feels back to normal now after all the stretching
-that my health feels good again after waking up this morning feeling weak and having allergies
-spiritual cleansing work
-taking things one step at a time
-E inviting me to a st.patricks days party which i had wanted to have st.patricks day plans so that is now manifested and seeing he is now putting me in a little closer again of his friends which eases my paranoias and also keeps things flowing naturally for things to open up
-work people being cool with things i was unsure about
-seeing myself listed next to some famous people on a press thing. that was pretty amazing.
-being myself and being fearless enough to be myself
-all the praise i got on my art work i posted
-how talented i am
-high protein foods
-my beauty
-cool art and creations out there
-fashion
-the fields i work in
-being a cool person and knowing i have a lot going for me
-very positive good sign astrology for the week
-positive signs in general
-being opened up from my pain and unexpectedness of it all
-not being afraid to admit to myself i liked B and almost felt in love,all his traits,i even like his job
-that this week is going much better then last week and i feel much stronger,and that i've gotten rid of low vibe things such as dating app and am refraining from checking on low vibe distractions such as negative forums
-being easy on myself and gently reminding myself to better feeling thoughts
-learning myself and knowing myself
-sweaters
-paying attention to my feelings. for example,feeling urged that now is a time of change and a bubbling beneath the surface feeling that is making me almost antsy to make things manifest in my life for forward movement,not even knowing exactly what yet,just that change is calling.
-how great my body looks,perfect curves and slender
-how sexy i am
-people who try to keep in touch with me,or ask how i am,or think of me
-my third eye chakra and how much stronger it is getting
-all the different meditations out there
-being a positive person
-my authenticity
-exploration and new things to do

[buttercup]

-feeling clean
-third eye chakra opening sensations
-how real manifesting is and vibration raising is. it works!
-vanilla muffins from my favorite grocery store. soo good.
-coffee. so good,i want a second cup
-how abuzz life feels. it overwhelmed me today but i am calming now and also something sort of kismet feels about it,this surge of busy feelings and feelings of change needing to come and coming.
-all the social invites that have popped up. even though not all my desires have manifested,obviously,a lot of other smaller ones have popped up like crazy and with ease. that says something if you look..the other things WILL manifest. follow the smaller manifestations and appreciate them,and they may also bring you to the other manifestations
-that happiness is the way to everything we want
-deciding to post a travel notice for upcoming business trip and all the offers i already got
-first project from high end person i want to work with out of town offered today. super excited! it's happening.
-a good,but passionate talk with best friend about goals that was tense,but helpful
-deciding to go bring laptop in tomorrow
-possibilties
-energy from best friend bending reality about a fear manifesting and seeing it actually was something way different then biggest fear which also i had feeling about anyways that it wasn't something to think the worst of
-seeing how often i assume the worst and am wrong. and adopting pronoia since that's more often more accurate
-creative director being more chatty today
-all the people texting me lately
-my body feeling nice and sexy and tight
-feeling sexy and more confident
-staying mentally confident
-painting and how healing it is
-hot tea and how good it is
-being inspired and all the inspiration around me
-finding a picture i was looking for last night
-change
-getting more followers on instagram
-seeing people who rejected me paying attention to me
-yoga and how good it feels
-my new fitness routine i am changing to now again which will be light cardio,strength training but shortened in half to what it was and adding in a little yoga to fill in the rest.
-moisturizing lip balms and how good they feel
-an inner smile
-being kind to myself
-inner click telling me to change the story,and that this is all me,etc,etc during certain moments of quiet and clarity
-high protein foods
-how much better this week has been and appreciating the two weeks before that as part of the path,though still missing and preferring january truth be told. but it's all good,at any moment things can change for me,in miraculous ways
-law of attraction and law of attraction inspiration
-spirituality
-my power
-wonderful information
-all the quantum healing meditation i did last night,but only got to about 50 minutes so going to dedicate tonight to more and hopefully go for 2 hours if not i'll just keep doing it the next few nights until i feel caught up.this clears so many energy blockages for me and manages my ocd
-a quiet mind
-hypnosis

[buttercup]

-coffee
-almond milk
-music
-vanilla muffins
-art
-creativity
-talent
-creation
-being inspired by sex and using that as a primary artistic &creative inspiration for the next months or so
-the third eye chakra opening symptoms i'm experiencing.
-moisturizing lipbalms
-observing my feeling crazy,not able to sleep feeling and third eye chakra symptoms without letting it rule me
-water
-mason jars
-deciding to not complain all day
-my old work from primary career as a -----
-a new loa forum
-happy news in animal welfare
-painting as an outlet and how helpful it's been
-deciding i want to start dancing as a hobby for sex issues i have and noticing i seem to turn to painting for abandonment issues and dancing for my sex issues
-computer getting tooken in today
-all the meditation i did today and planning at least 1-3 more days of lots of quantum healing meditations
-best friend dropping another fitness class today so he can move forward
-my beauty
-my femininity
-my wild side and that i have a very sexy,free,feminine,unconventional personality compared to the average girl
-calming down on all i have to do and focusing on one thing at a time and staying in the moment
-smiling
-heat
-all that i have going for me
-finding a new loa forum i joined
-all the possibilties i have to make myself a better person in every way and more interesting
-style
-things to focus on to take me through my pain
-information online that soothes me that B situation is not something i'm alone in going through and that male virginity is a huge trauma/hit to a man of his age and for all i know it may have even made him cry after i left which makes me feel bad. he did look quite sad the last i looked at him as iwalked off.
-my faith
-all the strong energy from pain and visualizing and in combined with friend as well visualizing just knowing it'll hit back soon very very strongly and how exciting that'll be to see unfold. if not in the next few days or so,right when friend and i are off and have forgotten about it and onto new things,it'll unfold like a strong hit that'll be like wow
-all the past experiences to recall of sending energy intentionally and unintentionally and seeing how intense it would have something manifest even years later. it always works if not right away,eventually,it will and it always ends up feeling like a miracle and bizarre
-putting the fun into visualizing and energy work and realizing how enjoyable it is
-writing out affirmations before bed as i lay down and was drifting just because i felt inspired to,not because i felt i had to,and felt it'd make my mind feel a little cleansed and secure at a vital time since right before bed is an important time to have your mind on point
-style
-how great things are about to get for me
-how positive i feel without even really trying
-working in such a cool industry
-how amazingly supportive best friend has been
-how sexy i am
-being over D. already felt like i was way back in jan,but after texting him those few times this month,i feel like not only am i over him,but also there's peace too and not a feeling of what was that.
-learning
-reflection
-ideas on how i want to better myself
-support from others
-being easy on myself
-clearing my mind on overthinking and worrying what other's can think and realizing i am an engima and authentic,people can think anything but who knows really
-feeling filled with desires
-my quality tastes and having an eye

[buttercup]

-coffee
-how beautiful i am
-that i got my monthly time of the month finally. feels nice to have that after waiting
-the scalp massage i got last night and how needed it was and how much resistance it cleared. it was so ahhhh. felt so good.
-following what i feel will heal me,better me
-all the deep healing meditation work i've been doing and how much it's raised my vibration,cleared energy blockages,caused me to look different when i look in the mirror(better) and just feel more clear minded along with tiny little side effects such as the things they call "glitches in the matrix." i've had several of those and i celebrate them! because i know it's proof my work is working.
-the positive surge of happy emotion that came from my meditation deep work i was doing last night without me even trying. it made me feel so good. visulazation works so powerfully! keep doing it. even if sometimes it feels less powerful or harder,,keep at it,it will pay off and work,and get easier.i still have times where sometimes i struggle but last night,i stayed calm and focused and kept at it,and it paid off big time! it's a muscle you have to exercise. just like you'd work out your body.
-that my third eye chakra feels a little sore since i know it's from all the work i've been doing
-all the positive energy around me i'm feeling
-that i have abut 6 more sessions of the quantum healing meditations before i feel caught up based on what my goal was and will do them tonight
-vanilla muffins. yum
-manifesting that you can now edit instragram captions! wow! a little thing,but i've wanted this for so long and then after deep healing work last night,i felt calm enough to look at a post and figure out a way to write something more and added to it and found out i can actually edit the whole caption. this will save me so much from always reuploading and people thinking i'm weird for how often i do and give me so much peace! so grateful! i updated the app today so ican now do edit captions and also grateful that after that healing session,the words came to me to how to add to my post in the comment in a way that made me feel at peace
-how healed i feel,a life of healing,and loving myself.i'm seriously at a point now where i feel again,that i have desires but that i can also be happy RIGHT now and feel good
-time spans where B isn't even in my head. i'm so damn close,i know it and it feels so good!
-cleared energy. it's such a weird thing to explain to those not in the spiritual realm of things,but you just feel slightly different,calmer,and cleansed and just ..clearer. sometimes,when things are a mess,it takes a little more time,to untangle and find the exact method for clearing that's best,but it always feels so good and always works.
-that i slept. i had trouble again,and woke up late,but i did sleep
-how things manifest,little things right after energy work sometimes,like the time of the month and instagram ease of what to write as a comment and that i can now edit captions,too. little little things,but i know it was a release of resistance that attracted it
-that i'm not on dating sites or apps and don't need to be
-another work offer for business trip coming up that i'm interested in accepting
-focusing on upcoming business trip as a primary thing to distract me and feel good and how good it feels
-taking things easy and one at a time,and calmly,and not feeling rushed but just it'll all be fine and how great that feels
-that best friend manifested me another offer with place he got me an interview at before who turned me down because they couldn't afford to pay. it's part time work a few blocks from my house. he is really urging me to go and i didn't want to when he first told me since they already told me no and i feel so busy as it is but now i feel inclined to go ahead
-emails with K,a friend from the past and seeing how much i've changed since we last talked all the time and hung out. my desires,and who i am as a person are so different from 2013. i'm more mature now,more relationship oriented,more open with my wounds but loving and forgiving in a deeper sense,less petty,and my interests have changed slightly,too.i love it actually. and,love realizing life can be so good if you do the inner work and infuse joy and allow yourself to change without fear.it's amazing to see where i'm at and what i enjoy and desire now compared to then.i feel so much more evolved.
-feeling filled with possibility
-enjoying maturity and making maturity me,still having a child-like spirit but with the joy of allowing things to evolve.
-smiling
-an overall good day. nothing super exciting but just in an overall good mood today
-my wisdom
-the work i'm doing on loving myself placing careful attention of my personality
-deep breathing and how cleansing it is
-writing out affirmations in my notebook as i drift to sleep just because it feels good to and i'm inspired to.
-knowing i'm an amazing person,and feeling valuable without conditions placed on myself.i am loving myself unconditionally.
-that i create my reality
-things to look forward to
-being open with myself
-how beautiful my personality is
-the beautiful sounds outside of the wind blowing,cars driving by,trains,etc
-quiet.i haven't even listened to any music today yet. i love it. i'm really appreciating the silence
-the surge of happiness and how open i feel my heart is becoming and the surge of emotion i feel i almost want to cry,it feels so good.
-buddha and buddhism and the inspiration it gives me
-allowing imperfection and letting go
-all the learning and reflection.i so desire to blog and write but i know it's not time yet.
-root chakra healing.i did that after feeling i might need to and how up my third eye felt,and it put me right in balance after that! so good.
-spirituality
-insights coming to me more clearly now. like,the other night feeling like the quiet/empty feeling makes me sad but something telling/reminding me to sit with it like the Buddha and surrender to it,and that will bring me to a beautiful place and heal me,and now here i am today enjoying the quiet so much. it's true,quiet at first you may not like it and fight it,but keep sitting with it,and you'll enter a deeper place and cleanse from it and heal on a deeper level.

[buttercup]

-holy crap an amazing night last night,will just go over that in one bullet point for ease.
so,i went to hang out with E and that was nice. E and I got on well with each other and talked love life updates and i got it confirmed by seeing in person that him and B were not close at all and he didn't know we were seeing each other until I had told him. chatting with E and all going well and getting to chat about B and seeing as they werent close going ahead and telling him why B and I ended seeing as it wouldn't harm anything.realizing how close E and I had gotten after all this time.E telling me early in the night i'm super super hot. E's friend Y showing up and remembering me well and being nice to me though teasing me some and trying to flirt with me and being really nice to me as was everyone i told about B stuff including gf of one of E's friends when they showed up and her talking to me about it. My friend A showing up unexpectedly which was wonderful since i worried he was mad at me when he didnt respond to my last message and on his own without anyway of knowing I was going out with B,i talked to him about B and revealed to him about B and he knew exactly what B's problem was as he is seeing the girl B went out with before me and he told me she left him because they tried to have sex and he didnt know how and he couldn't get it up and that B is very awkward and inexperienced and that he thinks something happened to him in his developmental phase and it's messed with his head and that it wasn't me at all because what i told him was way too familar sounding to what he heard already from girl he is seeing of what she said. This was super healing and gave me a lot of closure. This all matched up to details B had said too and also reassuring was the girl A is seeing that B was seeing i found out is not the girl i had worries and jealousies it was,i figured it wasn't but on A's own I had confirmed who it was and that other girl i had worried is just some random girl A met once. Also from talking to E and finding out opinions on what he thinks of two people B knows that are his friends and that the older woman is considered unlikable apparently and that B's best friend is considered very awkward with girls and weird. It felt so good hanging with E and A again like I did early last year and it was such good vibes and i felt very reassured and confident. The birthday guy telling me I supposedly was already fb friends with him but deleted him which is so not true,i don't know where he gets that from and he showed me my facebook in his recent search activity which was interesting so apparently he's googled me before and he then added me to fb right then and there which is kind of weird so apparently i'm getting well known in their group of friends. Y hacking my facebook for a minute to wish a goofy message on birthday guys facebook wall after hearing that. random girls from the group being really nice and chatting me and pulling me over to join them and talk which i thought was very sweet and one girl saying she met me before who i have no idea who she was.E buying me a drink in the early part of the night. A buying shots for everyone in the middle of the night. Y buying a few of us drinks at the end of the night. When I was ready to leave,A and E looking surprised and saying why and suggesting we go somewhere else,so a group of us all did.A saying something thoughtful about how people like me and him like people like B because of what we do and how exciting it is,we crave that opposite factor in a partner,that stability. i thought that was so thoughtful. A groping me not because of liking that but because he did it in a joking way in front on everyone and i think E seen. dancing with the gf of one E's friends and how nice she was. E and and Y joining and how we all danced.A had left by now and someone else. E and I were dancing now.We were kind of close. I didn't think anything of it. E had been looking at my chest a lot before this point before we started dancing. I notice he does this sometimes. Then,he kissed me. We made out. The 3 people left of our group seen i'm sure. It was kind of a big scene we made. A year and half of tensions and vibing and saying to each other we are just friends and how great that is and now this. I had pulled a tarot reading before i went out and got the tower. i clarified it and got the ten of cups. now i understand. i also clarifed it again and got king of wands. somehow i can see how this all makes sense if i wanted to follow that tarot.i had felt bad for E because before we kissed his friends were lecturing him to just go for it and he was frustrated about asking a girl out and how to do it and we had both talked about our love lives in the early part of the night. maybe i always did think of E as a hero sort of since he was a good guy and always had invited me out and introduced me to friends. we talked after we kissed. i maybe said too much but also didn't say much. I revealed to A and then later E during the night after he kept saying he's not judgemental person that I cut myself after the B thing because of how hurt I was. it was an amazing night. it was chill and good vibes,and lots of compliments and feeling respected by women and wanted by men and like my friends care for me and that I win and am closer to them then B was. it's a small thing,and i don't want B to lose them or anything but I also knew B wasn't close to them anyways. Finding out too that B had texted E twice in the last two weeks which i think is quite odd and E had declined hanging out saying he was busy. Also,remembering that E had texted B when we first went out randomly and B had thought that was odd. They're not close to each other at all and i feel this is because of me possibly and it's kinda interesting. I had always wondered if one day E and I would kiss and something would happen later on down the line. Well,time flies and maybe now is that time. I have no idea what will happen now or what i want. I just told him no matter what i don't want to lose the friendship. We talked after we made out and kissed a little during and even kissed goodbye. That's not something you do to someone you just had a random make out with and that's it.
-all the pictures i took last night. and the pictures A took of the group of us
-A complimenting a selfie i had in my phone of my face
-coffee
-almond milk and how much better it makes my coffee taste
-french toast sticks
-finally trying uber out on my own for the first time and free credits it had so expenses going down last night
-getting my eyebrows threaded and how much more attractive it made me feel and younger it makes me look
-l texting me last night i think checking up on me and a little jealous
-how simplified life feels now. i had a lot to do and simplied and told myself i felt most best thing to do was eyebrows and go out last night,and then it came to me to try the uber since it was another thing i wanted to do and would kill two birds with one stone as i also wanted friend to finally figure out how to use it and now after playing around on it,he knows how
-my creativity and resourcefulness
-feeling in a high vibe mood and honestly,a little moved forward now from B and of course again,super super reassured
-how great a good night out makes me feel
-feeling like i'm winning again.i worried about feeling like a loser and now i feel like a winner and feel hot and remembering B is the nerdy one which in a way also almost makes me feel awkward
-sounds of the birds chirping
-how much more independent i'm becoming.i forget the progress i've made,but i actually am getting better and more independent and confident with things like getting around the city on my own and such
-how open everyone was last night.it was like it was just my night to shine and do whatever i wanted.even the meetup girl i thought i might go to later responded right away and was very open and that doesnt tend to happen with meetup people
-A revealing he is closer to B then E not that any of them are close to him just that out of any of the two it would be him because he's going out with the girl B went out with first

[buttercup]

-that it's monday and back to normal with things
-sleep since it heals a headache
-friend A also revealing on his own he doesn't work with this company and hates this guy i hate,too from company and complained about over the summer to him so now were officially on the same page,too so that was cool.i did say,i told you so.lol
-sound therapy. crystal singing bowls audios to quiet my mind down now and chakra healing music last night
-seeing how much that full week of intense meditating and healing work paid off by having me manifest easier,having more people drawn to me,and looking better so reminding myself to keep up with things i did last week. things aligned so well and i didnt even have to prepave(loa exercise)simply because i was meditating so much and following what feels good. meditating is everything.
-feeling clean
-coffee
-water
-warmth
-more then enough bookings for upcoming business trip that i can double book starting now if i want to
-a meeting tomorrow at gym that can now afford to pay me if i want to work there
-stomach being nice and flat
-feeling very sexy
-noticing ever since i started getting flowers regularly and doing loving myself things,my dating life has been much more active.i actually enjoy it. taking away societal conditions and just following things that invite more love into your life works like a charm.
-flowers. how much they intrigue me. from their beauty and their symbolism and femininty to watching how they respond to my energy which is creepy,to how they somehow invite more love into my life,i am so in love with flowers.
-my beauty,my face,my eyes
-feeling wanted
-how healing saturday night was and how it gave me a lot of closure.
-how active career life is as well
-makeup
-my love of beauty and dedication to it.i dedicate myself to beauty,femininity,and being beauty and femininity because i love how it makes me feel. it raises my vibration and balances me.
-how supportive friends were saturday night
-my friend K who i'm still emailing with regularly
-forgiving myself
-my eyebrows and how great they look
-the sense of relief i feel,and simplified.i think the feeling of waiting for something is what is now gone.i feel i got whatever it was i waiting for me. maybe the closure.i still want to hear from B,but also don't care if i don't..which is really,really,strange.
-a new instagram picture to put up that is social that i like how i look in and getting likes on it
-my goals
-a new selfie i like as well that i may post soon
-that i can now use today,and this week to keep on realigning my life
-smiling
-calmness
-the sun shining today
-knowing no matter what happens with career 2,i'll be ok,and have learned a lot,and will have a lot i can do and focus on
-all i've learned from career 2
-feeling very go with the flow with dating life and career life
-my fame
-living in a big city with a lot to offer and do
-fashion
-my style

[buttercup]

-feeling comfortable
-tofu
-vegan chocolate
-pleasure and feeling good
-going to meeting today for job at gym
-my power
-that B is in my mind hardly at all,even without trying,though i do still want him,even if i'm ok without him.
-being an understanding person
-my beauty
-sweaters
-all the change that's occured and the momentum since this year has started
-that things feel more normal now,and i almost slightly miss the craziness of the first two weeks of this month,just because it gave me a crazy inner drive that has calmed down now,though i know the calmnness if temporary i'm sure. theres a lot changes in store,still.
-coffee
-sleep
-meditation
-being wanted and how attractive i am
-loving myself
-getting a paid side job offer that is interesting to me
-business partner being a little more responsive and explaning a little why she is so mia
-emails with K. feels nice to chat and girl talk
-having big breasts
-super cute shoes that are just my style and inexpensive that i want to buy
-my hair and how long and thick it is
-being in a more back to myself state to where i'm feeling like turning down some things that don't feel worth my time
-color therapy
-hot tea
-going tanning today and how good it feels
-new instagram followers lately,a lot.
-how much attention people pay to me even if they don't say anything
-my feminine,childlike side that makes men feel needed
-smiling
-how fun life can be
-that i'm an interesting person
-embracing who i am and life
-inspiration
-physical exercise and fitness and strength building and how good it feels and how beneficial it is
-things becoming more and more organized
-being all booked up for upcoming business trip
-feeling relaxed
-vegan food
-beauty and being focused on beauty
-sunshine
-things to look forward to
-music and music that calls to me and deciding to listen to a song before bed,because sometimes a song your in the mood for right before bed is a great way to go to sleep. my choice was california girls by beach boys.
-how interesting my personality is
-how delicious life is
-peace
-doing the inner work and staying dedicated to it
-style and fashion and edge
-how cool of a person i am
-all the things i am manifesting that are old desires
-E texting me 2 days in a row so far since we kissed.
-finding possible opportunities
-enjoying the moment
-abundance
-when things align so well
-doing some visualization work before bed,and how much it relaxed me
-facial yoga and how much it relaxed me last night
-how round my backside is
-laughing at life and how much there is to laugh at
-how interesting the metaphysical nature of reality is
-my resourcefulness
-all there is that i want to do
-my great taste and ability to curate and intuitively envision
-all my interests
-all that i have going for me
-how charismatic my smile is,it's like a movie star smile
-how great i am at giving advice
-my wisdom
-feeling at a nice pace with things and not rushed
-how positive of a person i am
-how sweet my heart is

[buttercup]

-moisturizers to keep skin and lips looking great and feeling great
-third eye and crown chakra solfeggios music and how great they feel
-clean eating
-feeling in a great mood
-sleep and being easy on myself that i'm sleeping more the last few days,it could just be what my body is needing
-business partner being more chatty and on it with work today
-getting work done today that i wanted to with career 2
-feeling more decisive about things i wanted to feel decisive about
-my mood turning around since i started the day feeling slightly gloomy and eh
-things to look forward to for the next 3 months straight
-a clean environment and how great that makes my mind feel
-affirmations and how helpful that is scribbling them in my notebook as i drift to sleep. simple,easy,and a great timing since my mind is entering theta
-my beauty
-releasing of resistances
-feeling wanted
-knowing i have a lot going for me and am a great catch
-that i can now edit captions on instagram and how at ease that puts my mind
-how flat my stomach is getting again
-hot tea and how good it makes me feel
-living a life of healing and happiness and how great that makes my life and that happiness and healing is the way to everything we want
-the little 5 minute meditations i do in between my day and how great that makes me feel and boosts my mindset
-smiling
-all the signs i'm getting in the last few days B is around the corner to being manifested. i didn't get signs before,just things i hoped were signs but were kind of blurred and my emotions were,too but these different,and are happening out of nowwhere and calling out to me like the universe pulling me to say hey. that's how signs always are,you don't have to look for them,they come to you and call you and you just know that it's a sign or that something is going on
-my caring heart
-being a beautiful person
-how in shape my legs are getting
-my eyes
-deep cleansing breaths
-love
-visuals
-appreciating all phases of life,from the quiet to the sunny,to the crazy to the dark.the dark is the hardest but when you realize the true nature of reality and that fear isnt real and neither is loss and that we are all interconnected and that reality is subjective then you can somewhat embrace the darkness as just another part of the story
-my fame
-all the offers coming in to me lately
-expansion
-being myself,trusting myself,and cutting back on overthinking and how amazing things flow and my confidence rises when ido that,i become my true self
-all the new instagram followers i keep getting
-being vegan
-living the good life
-observing reality
-my place in the universe
-my personality
-my femininity even if it makes me "difficult,whiny,etc."
-laughing at life
-how crazy this month was,like so crazy,i didn't expect this at all,it's been non stop jaw dropping moments and i cant wait to see what this means for march since i'm i have personal number omens that revealed themself in meditation to me years ago and things have been unfolding according to them,and another number omen is coming up now which should mean it sets the tone for the year and this month was the precursor to that for other one of my number omens
-how exciting life can be when you embrace the more painful,and less enjoyable parts and do the inner work and try to at least somewhat be patient and let things unfold and have strength.
-how high vibration i feel,it's actually almost scaring me
-colors
-appreciating beauty in life,for example a fabric from an old dress that just seems especially beautiful to me today
-that E kissed me saturday night.idk why or what it means,exactly but i am glad it happened
-feeling clean
-deciding to start doing an hour of strength training a day
-third eye chakra work and how powerful it is and good it feels.i can usually get third eye opened well if it's less activated within a few days tops depending on where my vibration is.
-my knowledge
-my inner knowing
-being known and respected by high end people;my status
-being remembered after all these years by people
-my vulnerability and authenticity and not being afraid of that
-how tan my skin looks
-

[buttercup]

-chakra healing music and how healing it is for me
-my knowledge of chakra so i can clear energy blockages and raise my vibration with ease
-that despite sleeping too much again i got a decent amount done
-that i felt happy today and like life is beautiful and had an inner smile
-how sore my body feels from working out and adding on to toning regimen again.i feel barbie doll tight
-how smart i am about nutrition and clean eating
-a delicious vegan dinner
-coffee and how amazing it is
-high protein food and how tight it makes my body
-E texting me again,which makes everyday he has texted me since he kissed me,minus one day. this is weird,and i dont know what to do.
-flowers,and their amazing power
-the power of loving yourself
-my wisdom
-my honesty
-my sensitivity
-my caring heart
-working in fashion
-how a clean vibration allows your mind to be clearer and things to flow more and a calmness about it all. so powerful. if you want to manifest with more ease,clear your chakras and gain a little understanding so you can see what needs to be worked out. i can get all balanced within a few days tops usually
-animal advocacy
-touching stories
-my sensitivity
-hilarious videos that make me laugh so much it causes a wonderful soreness in my stomach
-living a life of pleasure
-how good physical exercise feels that it's just the same as hot tea or a massage to me in terms of pleasure and healing
-that im focusing on primary career again this year and all the offers coming in! today,a high paid one,and the other day a glamourous one. both came with such ease,too. all because of my chakra clearing work that allows me to use third eye for manifesting easier.
-affirmations i write in my notebook as i drift to sleep to secure my mind
-ideas
-instagram
-deciding to decline date with L,which includes work with L as well. I felt relief after saying no despite that he was offering me a lot of things and the work opportunity would've been good
-sleep and forgiving myself for having so much of it. it could be all the spiritual work and maybe my spirit knows things are coming next month.i will get myself on a schedule tomorrow.
-getting two beautiful heart shaped donuts this morning which was a pleasant surprise and made me happy. the little things that make me smile.
-best friend and how wonderful he is
-how much more quieter and contented my mind is lately
-my style
-sweaters
-peace
-the journaling session i had last night which went longer then anticipated and was distracted but helpful and healing
-a clean apartment
-looking forward to spring
-eager anticipation

[buttercup]

-coffee
-waking up a little earlier
-the sun shining today
-feeling in positive spirits today and like all is ok
-all the realizations with E. E liked me this whole time,his friends even knew,everything makes sense now
-feeling clean
-a lovely cardio workout
-my beauty
-my flexibility
-getting some yoga snapshots done
-my resourcefulness
-new beginnings
-those moments in life when you realize your thought of and liked more then you realize
-good food
-realizing from this L thing of me declining and it making me angry how he is,what i do want,and setting myself on the path to get it
-sleep
-happy music
-having goals to focus on,something to strive for that makes you feel good
-chakra healing music
-my place in the universe,and feeling like i have a spot where i belong that cannot be replaced
-realizing how right my hunches are.i lurked this girl's page today after she kept being on my mind for some reason,i thought she was a cool girl after initially feeling i wouldn't like her and had told B that i thought she was hitting on me when i talked to her,and sure enough i think she is bisexual and in a relationship. so odd,and interesting all the different kinds of people i know and meet.
-reassurances and affirmation
-peach tea. its a detox tea and i think it is detoxing me!
-how hard i've been pushing it and increasing the fitness toning and how sore i am now and tight and sculpted i'm getting
-learning more and more the things that make me look the best
-the model life
-being immersed in a life of beauty.
-laughing at the amusement of life
-moisturizers and how great they are for keeping me looking younger
-how tan my skin has gotten from the bed us. the last session really got me darker
-warm,happy,life is a vacation thoughts
-living a life of pleasure and feeling good
-the feeling of freedom and living it up
-expressing myself
-that my laptop will be back tomorrow
-meditation and short mini 5 minute meditations throughout the day and how amazingly beneficial they are to me
-all the work offers pouring in for primary career and knowing this is the year for that career. it just is. :)
-my young,child-like side
-all the intense chakra work in the last day and half and how much it's boosted me and helped me realize things
-realizing confirmation now that in the summer when E and i last hung out before he got mad at me and we stopped speaking for months and he asked me advice about a girl which i now suspect was me,he was calling that girl innocent. he was saying her birthday was in so and so time and asking me about what to do. my birthday was in so and so time,but i didn't think he knew that. all this makes me feel he has paid far more attention to me then i realize. and,to think he thinks i'm innocent. so cute! i had wondered back then did he mean me but thought that would be too silly and narcissistic of me to think so,but that's right when he got mad at me and stopped speaking to me after that and never wished me happy birthday.
-songs about haters to inspire me and also pump me up while i work out
-all my fitness,beauty,and primary career and artistic motivation to push it in honor of all the pain i've been through,and that which i loved and lost

[buttercup]

-going shopping today
-how cleansed i feel
-peach detox tea
-getting a new great fitting supportive swim top that makes me look great
-how amazing and perfect my body looked in the fitting room. so slender and toned
-how tan my back looked in the fitting room
-all the vegan products i keep finding to try that looked good. today picked up some vegan meatballs
-living a life of pleasure and healing
-deciding again to just say what the hey maybe i will give L a chance after he texted me last night and him asking if it's weird he asked me for drinks and us talking a little about it and seeing what happens
-creative ideas to cut costs
-getting laptop back today and having a discount on it
-best friend sending himself positive energy and me and seeing the effects of it including strangers being randomly very nice to us and how clear minded i felt
-my beautiful charismatic smile
-the positive energy best friend sent me last night that was so intense i felt drunk.i was laughing so hard at so much
-business partner being more chatty again
-deciding to go with the flow about how much i have to do and not stress
-the strong motivation i had last night which inspired me also to find new fitness tips to encourage me to push it harder. decided i will start toning sessions in one session vs separate and listening to my favorite pump me up motivational music while doing it instead of the stock music that's in videos and wow what a difference it makes.
-how sore my body is today.i am limping!
-starting my cardio earlier today because i felt that motivated to do so and had a time slot
-how great my eyebrows look
-having a beautiful soul
-getting out of the house for a bit today
-nightskies
-observing the beauty of life
-happiness
-my i always win it and i'm the best attitude
-observing reality and enjoying the stories we create or at the least understanding them a little bit
-my confidence
-my dedication to fitness
-my vibration being so high tonight that all these smells in the grocery store kept coming alive,i could smell everything it was intense,and evrything just seemed so abundant. it was wonderful. it's like we numb the beauty of life with our clouded perception but when we raise our vibration and clear our perceptions,everything comes alive again
-fear being an illusion,only love is real
-enjoying being a grown up and how sexy and thrilling post college age adult life is. it's so thrilling and enjoyable
--my creativity
-chakra healing music
-my strength
-forgiveness
-trusting life
-that I create my reality
-beautiful ideas
-third eye chakra work and tools to activate
-pictures
-expansion
-that every guy has a crush on me
-how desirable i am
-how feb unfolded. it started off painful and confusing and took me completely somewhere new,but isn't complete and was just a preview
-my insights i get
-metaphors
-how beautiful the color of my hair and how long and thick it is
-enjoying in hindsight and appreciating the months that drove me crazy back in the moment this fall. it's all part of he journey that in hindsight will look a lot different
-cycles of things and how interesting it is.
-that things always come back in my favor with me winning or getting the respect or admiration or acknowledgement i wanted.
-the friends i have

[buttercup]

-protein water
-how hard my nails,bones,and skin feel
-blogging and being back to it for a month
-how happy i feel, it's like i'm on drugs
-best friend and i going for a drive tonight
-coffee
-watermelon candy. yum
-a nice vegan dinner that was so healing. ah,so healing it is to get rid of animal products from one's diet. it feels so detoxing
-peach detox tea and how good it is and how much i crave it
-my body and how sexy it is
-yoga and how wonderfully opening it is
-how open my chakras feel
-feeling like i'm on drugs,so high,i feel. so clear minded
-hypnosis and how wonderful it is. so wonderful. so wonderful.i listened to it before bed last night and it helped me fall asleep
-the sun shining today
-the beautiful night skies and how healing that was
-how thin and sculpted the back of my legs feel
-becoming comfortable and content with my truth
-how amazing february was
-that B logged into dating site again because i know it means he hasn't found anyone since he also did a few days ago.
-friends and how amazing they can be
-laughter and how good it feels
-how valuable i am
-my wonderful personality
-crystal singing bowls to slow my mind
-how easy it is to induce your mindset into certain states
-that i can now see the month of feb in a wonderful light and as perfect
-how cinemtatic and story book like life is
-emails from K. how amusing she can be!
-wonderful videos that make me so happy!
-things that help me align with my values and affirm me
-my beautiful smile
-my lovely eyes
-how great and sculpted my back looks
-getting to do my intention theta setting exercise last night
-that roommate is all of a sudden wanting to move to certain north side neighborhood,too. crazy!
-my uniqueness
-watching a movie last night and how nice that was

[buttercup]

-protein water
-coffee
-tofu
-peach detox tea and how cleansing it is.i can feel this tea really affecting me
-being easy on myself that i'm eating more,sleeping more,and drinking more tea then normal since it seems to be what my body is is wanting
-the power of gratitude. it is eerie and amazing
-all the sound therapy and energy sent to me lately.i feel like i'm on drugs. it's quite heavy. chakra healing,hypnosis,thetas,energy sending my mind feels super super blank at times,it's incredibly nice.
-fitness as my motivation
-the hour of strength training i did. wow. it went by quick.i could do this everyday. feels good to push it.
-my appreciation of visuals
-tanning
-tofu
-my mind being more clear today so i could clarify my blogging better and be more decisive about it
-peace
-forgiveness
-kindness
-all the new foods i've tried since becoming vegan
-a job on upcoming business trip confirmed
-relaxing about all i have to do and want to do and embracing life being in limbo and lazy
-cool artistic cinema clips that inspire me
-how unique and interesting my personality is
-how sculpted the back of my legs are getting
-getting draft 2 of work writing done and finding enjoyment and appreciation in it
-meditation
-people who seem to get me
-B being on my mind today a lot. for the first time in about two weeks.i miss him and still want him
-seeing he checked into dating site 3 times in last week including tonight which shows me he hasn't found anyone
-finding detail out about B that made me feel a little guilty but also showed me he must still care. found out he changed his profile picture to an old one which he doesn't normally do and he did it a few days after E and i kissed.i think he seen the group picture of me and E and other friend on my ig and got suspicious and jealous.i realize now more and more things add up to that besides B being very jealous,why he is so jealous of E. he knew something i didn't. he only implied E had a crush on me and said i was difficult. he was holding back though and knew more. B also deleted me after E liked my profile picture and texted E twice to hang out after we ended to which E said he was busy then E hangs out with me right after which probably made him B upset and also it was odd B texts E to hang out when he said him and E don't hang out often at all but then asks him twice and had told me it was odd when E texted him when we first started dating and was asking me what i thought of it. so,there's something with these two guys of a jealousy.i am going to do some meditation about this soon because i feel guilty too about telling our friend something that wasn't even really true,only kind of true,but just slipped out because i was angry and it felt true at the moment. it's hard when someone you care about drops you like your dead with no way to communicate,in your pain sometimes you say things you wish you hadn't because you are so lost. i hate that it happened but i was so lost and and angry and couldn't talk to B.i feel guilt about some of that,but in my head he treated me like i was dead to him and he hated me and was so cold to me with what he did and i thought i'd never see him again and that he was saying awful things about me. maybe i should've been more patient,i don't know,but i feel guilty about this.i think the picture changing thing is definitely something,and a sign of strong feelings though. even if they're not positive. i want forgiveness even though i wasn't wrong.i feel like the immature brat in how i've reacted,but how he was to me was so cold,it was hard to act pretty in the position i was put in. funny thing is he could be talking all this junk about me,and here i am feeling guilty.i do have some healing to do about this.
-a clean living room
-my best friend
-being someone who marches to the beat of their own drummer
-my ideas

[buttercup]

-feeling clean
-abundance
-going tanning today
-happy music
-how in shape my stomach looks today,nice and tight and sculpted
-tofu eggs
-dark chocolate that is vegan and how great it is for third eye chakra
-how beautiful the weather was today!
-coffee
-a life of healing and wellness and feeling good
-randomly deciding to text friend A and then it seeming to not go well since he is an aries,but it getting smoothed out and all being good. conscience feels better now and accepting of imperfection.
-best friend agreeing that when someone drops you and you have no way to talk to them and think you'll never see them again,lenianancy if you say imperfect things should had because your so lost and hurt
-peach detox tea
-laughing at life
-emails with K. she makes me laugh
-work done from creative director today
-getting another draft of work done last night and having fun and laughing with it
-pillows
-entertainment
-hypnosis
-quiet
-being a happy person
-spirituality
-a direction and goal to focus on and look forward to
-several goals to look forward to. what would we be without our things to work towards
-the one hour toning session last night and how i felt i could've easily did more and how easy it is now for me to keep toning when i do it all at once and listen to music during
-how round my backside is
-seeing through people and seeing other's flaws and intuitive understanding with people which cuts down on problems
-my fame
-that life has relaxed a bit
-living a life of beauty
-focusing on becoming better and better,higher and higher
-forgiveness
-deep healing
-my style
-my femininity
-having a deep understanding of aphrodite energy which enables me to seduce men without trying
-inspirations
-finding the good in every month
-patience from best friend
-my empathy
-my kindness
-confidence,assurance,intuition,and all i have going for me
-my sense of humor
-my randomness

[buttercup]

-the hugest sign about B. omg,third eye chakra work you are so good. it came out of nowwhere and just knew it was a sign,like all signs,they just call out to you. so good! and he had been on my mind a lot these last two days,then also feeling today like whatever. so good,the natural unfolding of manifestation! now,i just need to let go and forget. the timing feels impeccable,though,as in right.
-vegan meatballs
-all the beautiful epiphanies last night while blogging piecing together more pieces of the pie of being able to manifest things in my life and also making decisons on things
-realizing more clarity on E,A,and B issues and the truth about the gossip
-coffee
-peace detox tea
-candy
-a wonderful 1 hour strength toning session last night. the time goes by so fast while i do it
-deciding no again to L. and no to dating
-my unique way of seeing things that is wise yet child like
-the life coaching side to me
-my youthful child like spirit
-how open i am to others and accepting
-vitamins and nutrition
-nourishment
-a nice chat with best friend today
-a nice email from K today
-business partner showing me her ultrasound today. it was amazing! i never seen a real one before.
-sleep. been sleeping so much still,i dont know why.i woke up so late.
-third eye chakra work
-all the clarity and decisiveness and how simple life feels now,if not completely figured out and still somewhat lazy,i have clarity and decision on all i can in the moment and that feels great
-heat
-meditation
-how tight and sculpted my abs are getting,and the ab lines
-excitement
-my unique personality
-my chest
-how thin and long my arms are
-how relaxed i feel
-upcoming business trip to focus on
-my feminine,neurotic personality
-focusing on happiness
-beautiful affirmations
-that it's a full moon right now
-cool art,pictures,symbols,lyrics,etc that describe just what i'm going through
-romance
-knowing what i want
-perfect life moments to look back on
-laughing at life
-my beauty
-being a positive person
-kindness,empathy,understanding,forgiveness
-vodka
-that before i decided to make dinner i realized,i didnt need to do dishes to make dinner,i had some available for what i wanted to make and can just do dishes later

[buttercup]

-coffee
-makeup tutorials online
-makeup and how transformative it is and the power of makeup
-my stomach getting sculpted
-sitting on the porch today for a few minutes and how much it boosted my mood for the day
-the sun
-how much me and best friend are getting along lately
-work getting done today
-emails with K
-E texting me last night
-all the ways i am improving myself to be a better catch and loving myself to attract more love and happiness into my life
-vegan chocolate with cherries. so good
-positive animal advocacy news
-doing an average of one hour of toning a day lately,and how easy and motivating it is to get stick to
-all the little things i've figured out in the last 9 months to boost my happiness,attract more love and romance,and improve my looks and confidence and status and peace that were the missing ingredients all these years,and things i repressed
-calming ocd thoughts down,and recognizing behavior that is ocd
-smiling and being a beautiful soul person
-being yourself and authenticity
-appreciation of the little things
-finding the little things you like,are things others love too
-beauty and beautiful people
-being the best
-all the vegan food places in upcoming business trip location
-fun things to do
-how much i've changed,how much sweeter and more mature i am and what i've learned and realized. my increased strength and wisdom
-things i have to look forward to
-that i have lavender oil picked up for me
-relaxing
-meditation
-me,my tastes,personality
-all the compliments i receive
-getting in a great theta intention setting exercise last night
-hypnosis
-things to try
-pretty things
-abundance
-being a woman
-being a 'first job'
-how big my eyes are
-my soul
-beautiful spiritual reminders such as my fave quote desire is your soul speaking to you
-the signs i'm still getting
-my creativity
-healing perceptions
-text from my ex,A
-the power of beauty
-my learning of things psychological that i can use to benefit myself
-blogging
-feeling good and how good i've been feeling. i can't remember the last bad day i've had
-getting dishes done last night

[buttercup]

-finding a foundation brush and now a new,more evolved way to do my makeup
-fun music
-the great lavender oil i got last night,and how relaxing it is and soothing
-peach detox tea and how wonderful
-great blending of different things
-vegan meats
-coffee
-emails with K
-getting in a great hour and half toning regiment last night and how the longer i work out for,the more i want to work out .tonight,i will stay in and do two hours
-acknowledging my feelings,desires,and what i can do to soothe and ease and feel better
-all the huge signs i am getting
-a lovely old work photo i enjoyed that captures my personality that i found
-all the instagram likes and follows i am getting lately
-having a talk with best friend and encouraging him to put his notice in for two more classes this monday
-how spoiled i am
-all the amazing things i have seen and experienced
-the color of my hair
-how thick my hair texture is and lioness like
-sitting on the porch for 5 minutes today and how great the sun felt and energizing
-living a feel good life
-all the fun things there are to do
-how great my eyebrows look
-that i am evolving more and more and becoming better and better and more of who i want to be
-how beautiful the full moon is
-the relaxing energy of pisces sun
-the internet
-seeing how i create my reality
-reassurances and affirmation
-sweet things to savor
-clean eating
-reflecting on how much i have changed and progress that's been made since this time last year
-remembering my lost loved one and sweet moments with her
-remembering with clarity how i became vegetarian shortly after she came into my life,and vegan shortly after she left
-happiness and the power of it
-how great of a personality i have
-my specialness
-embracing my height
-my intelligence and emotional understanding
-how amazing i am
-my confidence
-my maturity
-all that i've accomplished
-that i can prepave and do other things to help me create my reality,if i so do desire
-deep cleansing calming breaths

[buttercup]

-makeup
-having a veg out night of junk food and watching movies
-getting groceries today
-night skies
-enjoying some time on the porch in the day time and evening
-feeling desired,being an object of desire
-emails with K
-having stronger feelings and aknowledgment so i can see what i want and mold that energy to take actions and make goals
-lavendar oil
-appreciation
-reflection on all that i've changed since this time last year
-the long one hour session of yoga i did after one hour strength training and how opening that was to my chakras and how good it felt
-sweet snacks
-good blending of ingredients,colors,etc
-all the new instagram followers
-sweet memories of my lost loved one,and that she was in my life
-art
-emotions
-passion
-stories
-inspiration
-entertainment
-all the meditating i did last night
-getting the living room cleaned up last night
-quantum healing meditation which always manages my ocd,and clears energy blockages
-perspective
-self improvement
-being smart
-all the fun i've had in my life and being able to reflect on that
-my friends
-all the cool people i've met
-the power of happiness and positive focus
-little tweaks to make myself feel better in the moment
-glamour
-fame
-all i have going for me,and all i can do to make myself better
-beauty
-things to aspire to
-my potential
-the power of energy molding
-being a woman
-the fun of life
-the sun and the energy it gives me
-my eye color
-being in my 20's
-things to look forward to
-sexiness
-all the adventures coming to my life this year
-bohemianism and spiritual things
-how much more active with dating and social life my life has been in the last months and the momentum this year started off with

[buttercup]

had a really bad anxiety attack an hour ago so hopefully the gratitude list brings me up some more.
-that i can retrace my thoughts to see how they created,for example,an anxiety attack
-subjective reality being the true nature of reality
-lavender oil
-retracing and tuning into how i can feel better and how things became what they are
-intention setting theta exercises
-beautiful colors
-more snow melting
-signs
-mom calling me back
-best friend calling me back
-l flirting with me and pursuing me
-acknowleding and realizing how stressed i've been all week and that it's why i felt so lazy all week
-right after aknowleding how stress i am,manifesting a huge chunk of that stress getting removed
-how big my eyes are. when did that happen? i had always wanted huge eyes the shape i see them lately,that slightly wide almost bulgy look that looks kind of cartoon like almost and very innocent,and child like.i always had big eyes,but they look bigger now,and mine used to be more round whereas now,they look a little wider.i had set intentions for this i'm sure so it's interesting if this is a manifestation
-how young my skin is looking and my face lately
-getting my room cleaned tonight
-dim lighting
-calming down and realizing the irrelevancy of it all,and getting so upset and caring so much what others think,etc
-how beautiful the moon is
-beauty in the broken
-how beautiful the white flowers look in my house
-acknowledging whatever desires come to me so i can make my life better
-how easy it is to mold energy to turn things around,and change my perceptions and thoughts to change the whole reality of something
-that life is but a dream
-being easy on myself
-coming to my senses,and relaxing
-calming my perceptions
-all the upcoming work offers for upcoming trip
-how great my eyes look when smoky
-the beautiful sounds i hear at night in the silence such as cars driving by,trains,etc,etc. very soothing.
-water
-that at least two forward moving actions are happening this week,and one thing i've been waiting for to happen
-beauty
-movies to watch last night
-how good that margherita pizza was yesterday
-macarons
-l wanting to take me out today
-using others as inspirations to be better,and to think less and do what i want on my terms according to my pleasure
-knowing how i can create my reality,and can change things right now to anything. there is power in the moment and i can have fun with that instead of feeling pressure,or dread or indecison.i can instead enjoy the ride since that's the only point
-l suggesting a place that is right by me for our date so it'll now be super easy for me to do
-resourcefulness
-feeling calmer and in a better mood already
-when guy's try to make things more convenient for you

[buttercup]

-how much better today was then yesterday. yesterday feels like a glitch on the radio
-this hot peach tea i'm drinking and how soothing it is
-how amazingly beneficial it is to take rest days from working out.i took two and my body is so tight today. wow.
-tofu eggs. so nice i can now have one of my favorite foods again in a vegan version
-all the instagram likes and follows i am getting
-my favorite vegan chocolate with cherries and how great it is for the third eye chakra and 2nd chakra. yum.
-coffee
-being a "princess."
-the amazing strength training session i did for an hour and half then 30 minutes of yoga and how much stress it released and the endorphins.i feel so good right now
-clean eating
-a nice nourishing dinner
-how amazing the weather was today and sitting on the porch soaking up some sunshine and the snow melting away
-letting l flirt with and possibly going on a date with him.i feel bad like i'm stringing him along,i just don't know what i want,and he makes me feel kind of good
-crystal singing bowls audio to relax to right now and slow my mind down
-dim lighting
-how tan my skin looks today
-my wide and large my eyes have gotten. i'm amazed and wondering when did this happen
-being easy on myself for waking up super super late and that i still somehow got a lot done. impressive
-all the work i got done today and decisons i made and how stress relieving that was
-getting dishes done today
-all the mini 5 minute meditations i throughout the day and how clarifying that was
-all the spiritual truths that have come to me about freeing myself more and more from untruths and worrying what others think and the more i do that,shed those layers,the more i come back to me,and am free and things such as there are no flaws only things you learn to accept or evolve from. also,that in the subjective reality model i live in,hedonism is the maxim for life and to just follow my pleasures which gives me a spiritual detachment and allowing myself to also not worry about how others percieve things or possible misunderstandings. this always raises my vibration and manifests miracles and so i know it is "truth." all fear is an illusion. all love is real.
-this forum and this thread and all the notes i have and lovely things i can remember and look back on
-how tight and sculpted my backside,arms,legs and inner thighs look. it is very sexy
-how sexy of a woman i am
-how much i like to dance and how much guys seems to like me to dance based on things they've said and done
-foot massages and how good they feel,hitting some healing nerves as i rubbed my feet a little today
-that spring is near
-that i have plans to see E this weekend
-how great of a catch i am
-how long and beautiful my hair is
-how great my silhouette looks whenever i look at a reflection.i look like the image of perfection with my long,thick tousled hair and perfect slim,hourglass frame that is long but not tall.
-reassurances
-my ideas for life,career,and other others to make things more efficient,cost effective,and bettering for the future
-pics ideas for instagram posts
-that best friend put notices in for two more of those gyms
-my lavender oil and how good it feels and soothing on my forehead
-my tastes in things and being a tastemaker
-being a romantic
-the abundance in my life
-all the reflection on E these past 2 and half weeks. it's been an unfolding of learning and realizing and seeing what i think and it's so interesting to me i got the tower card before i went out the night we kissed. it's strange to me i ran to him right after B and i ended. it's strange to me he texted B right when we started dating which is unlike him and that B texted him twice after we ended and that there's been a triangle i never knew about with the three of us. it's strange all this time i thought E and i were just friends and now i don't even know. it's strange that all this time i thought E invited me out because i was a friend and now i wonder if that was wrong.he never did text me once while B and i dated. it's strange ithought E told B i was difficult in a friend to fashion and now i think he may have told him that so he wouldn't go after me which also makes sense then why B would never tell him we were going out or why E contacted him "randomly" just to talk. he was checking on things. it's strange how cinematic that whole night with me and E was last time i seen him,it really was like a dream..how we bounced around him frustrated to friends about his love life and me whining about mine and then we became entangled.it's strange that as many amazing kisses i've had in my life,i don't think i've ever had a kiss where time disappeared and the people seemed to disappear ,and the background felt black and it was almost as if there was fireworks in the background. it was like i was taken somewhere. he kissed me,and everyone disappeared,and the background felt black and time disappeared. that must mean fireworks. he said he never kissed a friend like that before. he knows there is spark,as in mutual spark. you don't kiss someone that long and not have there be spark. i would have pulled away. and even how we kissed a few times after the "fireworks' time disappearing kiss.it's strange how last year i used to have dreams of him force kissing me and now he has kissed me. it makes me wonder now if those dreams were psychic,i mean,they were,i had a feeling of that,but i mean,psychic as in,are they foretelling what's to come. i guess time will tell. the funny thing is,i wonder if B will be the one thing who gets between us
-the romance of life
-that more details get to be confirmed for upcoming business trip tomorrow
-the power of gratitude lists
-embracing me,my truth,my story
-how pretty i am
-getting things i had been putting off,done today
-being a woman
-respect for women and for the feminine

[buttercup]

-vacation and summer vibes
-cool music
-a delicious,nourishing,clean dinner
-an excuse not to see L this weekend and deciding it's better not to
-makeup
-how fantastic this primer is i tried today
-going tanning today
-how beautiful the weather was today
-how great my mood is today and energized
-feeling excited for the future and trusting
-being sexy
-being in a cool industry where i get to be style,sexy,and status
-brushing my hair more often to keep knots gone
-deciding after ocd attack again to set aside time to fix the post i was obsessing about and getting it where i want it
-my dreams coming true
-coffee
-my favorite vegan chocolate with cherries
-water
-the sun
-tofu scramble
-my sense of style
-the amazing strength training session and then yoga i did last night,and how much it opened me up and released endorphins
-great ideas for upcoming business trip that will increase efficiency for the future and for the trip and increase my independence and be beneficial in other ways,too
-how my phone magically seems to have more data despite having more photos then ever on it currently
-being a 'first job title.'
-my fame
-making my career comeback and the the new resources available to me and things i didn't utilize before to make things happen
-W replying to follow up email from yesterday
-deciding i will go to E's party,and it will be fine
-how sculpted my backside is
-looking in the mirror at salon today and being amazed at how perfect,round,and tight my backside looked. i looked like i had the perfect,amazing body. and reminded that i can be too hard on myself,and while i will keep up bettering myself,i am much better then i think i am,and i will keep bringing that out more and more this year
-pictures
-all the spiritual truths coming to me and coming back to myself
-being a "princess."
-transformation
-california
-inspiration
-the city i live in
-the shape of my eyebrows
-how slow time has been moving today. it's trippy!
-getting up earlier today even though it was because i had to for an appointment and i didn't sleep well,it definitely put me on the right track
-being open and in the moment to what can happen in the future without a need to know and control and plan a bunch of things of how things will go down
-my classiness
-colors
-how happy i feel
-all i have going for me
-finding out more people who live in my neighborhood and who have a lot going for them in terms of glamour/popularity and allowing it to make me feel better about myself and embracing my beautiful girl from the bad side of town story,even though i'm not from the bad side of town,but feeling as if my neighborhood isn't money has made me feel insecure but that's because a lot of people i had been hanging out with lately come from business jobs and money not artistic fields and reminding myself of these things makes me feel better and more patient
-my child-like spirit
-learning
-all the things i can do to better myself,and improve myself
-how cool of a person i am
-changed perspectives that empower me
-affirmations and scribbling them in my notebook as i drift off to bed before sleep and how secure it makes me feel
-how great january and february were,and being able to appreciate them now
-my flexibility
-living life like it's a vacation
-my beauty
-getting the kitchen cleaned
-meditation
-feeling calm and clear
-the things i enjoy
-all the happiness and loving myself resources i've picked up over the last 8 months or so
-my best friend and how amazing he is
-forgiveness
-unconditional love
-feeling optimistic
-beauty
-art
-dancing
-being a good dancer
-being a good kisser
-my work
-remembering my lost loved one,and stopping to appreciate her and think about her. always will,and will never stop
-powerful truths that soothe

[buttercup]

-how relaxed i feel right now
-getting my protein rich nourishment in
-the burn and sweat from a good workout.
-my 2 hour routine of yoga and strength training that is helping me lose weight more now and getting tight. my backside feels nice and tightened up,my back feels like a barbie doll back,my legs look tiny and log,my stomach is nice and flat and tighter. my clothes are falling better on me. it is making me feel more sexy and confident in the moment. how flexible my body is becoming from all the workouts,and feeling how much more bendy i am.
-hot tea
-dark chocolate with cherries
-telling l no today and explaining myself a little
-my taste in things
-beauty
-how great i am at curating
-how great of a writer i am
-how smart i am
-loving myself
-my unique way of seeing things
-my desires and dreams
-how cute i am
-makeup
-learning more makeup ideas to evolve my look more and putting more pieces together for me
-my eyes
-my hair
-my perfect silhouette
-laughing at things
-my unique personality
-clean eating
-coffee
-water
-my favorite moon t-shirt that was given to me
-my favorite moon necklace that was given to me. i find this to be my good luck necklace now to attract me to be more feminine and recieve more blessings
-the beautiful sounds of the outside of cars driving by,trains,and other soothing middle of the night sounds
-the sunshine today and how unbelievably warm it is and all the snow melting and sitting on my porch for a little bit today
-E texting me yesterday confirming if i am coming to his thing this weekend
-how excited i am for upcoming business trip and how much of it is settled already
-my flowers
-massage
-living a life of following what feels good
-acknowledging my feelings to myself
-fun,vacation-y,happy music
-remembering how great of a catch i am,and how much i have going for me
-all the work offers pouring in
-all the amazing people i meet
-living in a big city
-all the cool things i get to do
-more dreams coming true
-spirituality
-seeing more and more how i can work on myself on the inside and outside
-smiling
-getting back dimples from all the working out.
-being sexy
-instagram mobile photo editing apps
-my style
-my friend S contacting me out of nowwhere to chat and wanting to hang out when she is back in town and how nice that will be actually
-seeming so young to others
-how much more i am loving myself lately. it's amazing the little things that make you look better,feel better,and attract more into your life
-getting a little more work done today
-dancing
-always winning

[buttercup]

-sound being back on my computer
-how beautiful it is out today.i was able to be on the porch without a coat and shoes and now have my first door open again. so happy it's the season for that again.
-nightskies and how healing they are
-my balcony porch
-all the work offers my upcoming business trip
-astrology website to play around on
-making decisons on l and e based on what seemed for the best according to my higher self
-the shape and color of my eyebrows
-my eyes
-E saying ah damn and no worries let's hang out soon. he seemed slightly bummed out which made me appreciate his sweetness again some more
-deciding instead for tomorrow i can still celebrate and how fun it'd be to go get green cocktails. feels good to ask myself what i'd want to do and going for that
-not needing to put heat on in the apartment
-all the reflecting on my love life and seeing what i want
-another work contact asking me out,oh wow,i just noticed his first name starts with the letter B too..and same zodiac sign.i had thought maybe that's a sign because of their zodiac sign,but now even the letter b,too..
-a high protein dinner
-the venus dimples i am getting and how beautiful and sensual it makes me feel and friend commenting didnt i used to already have those which made me feel good
-how free and clear i feel now
-eyes being on the prize
-great music to listen to and workout to
-2 hour workouts
-k emailing me and liking what she had to say today
-knowing i am a great catch
-instagram
-my taste in things
-my likes and interests
-all the dating and love i'm attracting into my life lately,it's like magic and i know its because of some of the things i started doing late last summer
-feeling like a good person and i'm doing the right thing
-feeling full of possibilities
-remembering other things i like
-how abundant i feel and like all is going to be ok

[buttercup]

-coffee
-water
-the warm weather
-how it's going to be even warmer tomorrow. summer weather and it's not even spring yet!
-using today to get back on track with cleaning and meditating so i'll be on a good start for the week
-peanut butter chip cookies
-clean eating
-getting a kabuki brush
-ordering cute new shoes for spring
-makeup
-eyes
-my eyes
-my face
-models
-my vision,ideas,and tastes
-the feeling of fullness,expansion,and possibility in my heart
-the 5 minute micro meditation session i did and my higher self telling me again how important upcoming business trip is going to be and telling me i'm going to get a surprise soon of B contacting me
-the large signs i've been getting of B,the serendipity
-how ifeel about B that seems to be telling me i love him,since the way i've been acting and behaving is in the way of people i've loved in the past. example of how traits of them i am adoring now such as country they are from and astrological sign
-fashion
-makeup
-fitness
-how much i enjoy physical exercise that days off literally bum me out
-music
-minimalism
-art
-the abstract
-seeing the law of attraction at work when i thought to myself i'd love to find green food color at the grocery store when i couldn't and then randomly out of nowwhere all by itself in a section it shouldn't be in,i found a single box of green food color.i was so entertained by it,that i took a picture and of course bought the food color
-my ideas
-my artist mindset
-being famous
-my appreciation for the divine feminine energy
-my hair
-loving myself,and my confidence and following what the loving myself version of me would do. keeping my standards high,and being true to myself
-all the work offers for upcoming business trip,it's amazing
-being success focused
-black tights
-bohemian styles
-all the inspiration
-essential oils
-smiling
-my smarts
-what i have to offer
-giving things space
-the shape of my eyebrows
-looking so forward to spring and summer and how amazing and powerful it will be,it may just be the most powerful spring and summer of my life
-good things that are coming to me
-all the different styles of meditation
-getting perspective on the E situation and how i think he feels and what i think and feel
-being myself
-the abundance in my life
-creativity
-my unique way of looking at the world
-all the possibilities and opportunities and not being afraid to say no to them since i love myself and trust the flow of life to keep providing
-knowing myself
-downloading a vegan app on my phone and finding even more ways vegan foods to try,that are even closer to where i live,and some even more inexpensive
-getting some tea tree oil to try switching to this instead of traditional acne treatment i've been using
-positive changes
-the amazing delicious and huge falafel sandwich i had for dinner last night
-that on my diet and fitness plan,i can eat as much as i want with no worrying or guilt. and,also following what my body wants.
-learning more about adult life and ways people find happiness in their life,and that there's never any reason to worry about getting old as society would have you believe because there's so many ways to have a fulfilling life still and feel young and happy. it amazes me continously,and i'm sure perhaps the loa is in work,as i see more ways i don't need to fear when iget older
-how positive minded i feel
-beauty in the broken
-my beautiful soul
-thoughtfulness
-the little things we can appreciate that are touching or adorable or show something
-getting the living room cleaned up
-learning more and more about life and theories i have of the true nature of reality and metaphysics
-my power

[buttercup]

-coffee
-water
-almond milk
-a stove to cook with
-an apartment to live in
-my eyeglasses
-my fave dark chocolate with cherries
-tofu eggs
-clean eating
-banana fruit spread
-making unique breakfasts that i love
-mobile photo editing apps
-feeling dreamy and romantic again
-remembering other guy's i adore for a bit again
-the romance in my life
-a tip to restore a favorite top of mine
-meditation
-quantum healing meditation
-being a kind and considerate person
-great music
-upbeat moods
-expressing myself
-my truths
-my desires
-a career decision being made today
-getting a work thing done today
-dancing
-beautiful art
-how open my heart chakra feels
-being love
-being a unique person
-my interests
-feeling organized in my mind
-refining my interests and desires
-hypnosis
-the sun
-going tanning today
-my wonderful business partner
-my beautiful loved one who left this physical reality and appreciating her all the time
-style and fashion
-expansion
-the new opportunities and things that can happen and will happen in the future,it is so wonderful
-lip balms
-body gels
-essential oils
-feeling happy
-the beauty i've had in my life
-thinking less
-accepting more
-non expectation
-tights
-my style
-my best friend
-healing
-beauty
-creativity
-boldness and things vivid

[buttercup]

-coffee
-almond milk
-fashion
-banana fruit spread
-vegan food
-heat
-being in a positive,accepting,detached mood,and in the moment
-water
-beautiful art of my loved one who left this physical reality
-colder weather today,i was starting to miss winter
-living in a big city
-D requesting me on fb last night. so weird and random.i did set an intention out to the universe he would though back when i was very hurt,and so am very pleased
-all the makeup tutorials i watched last night,and finally getting it of what i've been wanting to learn and knowing what to buy and how to do it now. so excited
-all the people coming out of the woodwork adding me online to things. A girl R added me on social check in app too today
-tights
-being cute
-all the new vegan options there is to try
-paying attention to my feelings and energy and noticing a sudden rush of energy this morning,which i'm guessing came from D,but then also ended up having E on my mind..started making me think about how energy works again and how powerful it can be and intention setting,etc
-finding out project 21 is actually almost done
-making a career decision with business 2 that gave me relief
-blogging and expressing my feelings and things i learn and reflect on
-how romantic and dreamy my heart is
-the beautiful things i've been through
-desire to allow B to inspire my letter i have to write for work,which i had thought i would already but now possibly a little more
-that i no longer like the taste of cheese or eggs
-the amazing two hour workout i did last night and how good it made me feel
-all the things coming to me to make me better
-the little things that make me happy,or feel special,etc,etc
-someone more famous then me thanking me for what i do which is nice and made me feel like i am making a difference
-things coming together to help me bring my goals manifested and reach new heights
-how amazing i am becoming
-music
-how amazing my abs looked today. flat and lots of muscle lines
-intensity
-how amazing this summer will be
-meditation
-pillows
-that roommate is staying home tonight
-how open my heart feels
-feeling paid attention to and like a lot of eyes are on me and wanted
-being love

[buttercup]

-the delicious banana fruit spread i bought last week that i've been loving
-clean eating and how good it makes me feel
-almond milk
-coffee
-water
-my porch
-my best friend
-dreams about B today while i slept,lots of them,it even seemed psychic
-more synchronicties with B
-reflecting on me,where i want to go,what i've learned,how i've changed,and so on
-the internet
-the power of gratitude
-becoming more mature
-shedding away layers of me that i am outgrowing so i can evolve and become better
-making a list of ways to better myself after anxiety attack before bed
-realizing why my moods have been bad including pms and still waiting for it to come,insomnia,having not gone out for a bit,or meditating as much as i want and its no wonder my mind feels sloppy
-knowing i can create my reality and change things at any moment
-the lines on my stomach of getting sculpted
-how tight my backside has gotten
-how slim my legs have gotten
-the 2 hour work i did last night
-comfortable sweats to hang out in
-the little things working out
-finding a vegan pizza place close by i want to try and that i had been wanting to try vegan pizza
-the possibilities for the future
-all the people popping up out of nowwhere,which also feels like signs
-realizing i am manifesting things that years ago i wanted,even if in the moment i forget that i wanted these things and seeing how much i've evolved
-seeing all the blocks i've put up,and all the facades and how so and so things are really just a matter of doing this/that and can be reasonably done. all the things idealized or thought of as something that gets attention or is something great,is really rather easy to craft and meaningless. studying things as simple as what one would call a "hot girl selfie." and,in fact,it's not really a hot girl,and discerning what that girl really looks like and how that photo is crafted to look like that "hot girl selfie."
-facial yoga
-roommate staying home last night
-a soothing hug i received today
-affirmations
-being easy on myself to do a little less but focus on one or two things that will really make me feel better
-the city
-realizing how much i still assume wrongly for the worst,and how i need to work on that

[buttercup]

-feeling better now
-protein water
-doing things for myself to feel good
-trying vegan pizza at a place nearby and getting it for pickup,so that's off my list now
-clean clothes
-clean towels
-my lavender oil
-going shopping today
-going more vegan then usual with groceries and nixing the muffins which arent vegan since i feel better axing that from here out now
-my cute new pink jelly shoes i got in the mail today and how adorable and doll like they look. very childish and unique
-a greatly curated shopping selection purchases today
-getting the makeup sticks i had wanted to buy today
-the delicious coffee i got today on the way to errands running
-the great lighting in the first bathroom stop i made
-remembering fun and things i enjoy doing and want to do
-tuning in to telepathy and the psychic connection and realizing how much B has been speaking to me. all the strong signs i've gotten of him,two nights of psychic dreams in a row of him contacting me,and then after that keep getting thoughts of how could i possibly forgive him after what he did which i finally realized were telepathic and got me intrigued by telepathic communication and all the conversations we have and that if i could tap into that,i can align us much quicker.i had started thinking how can i after that,and feeling upset until i realized it was telepathic and am now having thoughts of i do forgive and i have,etc,etc and other thoughts to bounce back to him.
-meditation
-using visualizing and third eye for meditation
-letting myself feel sad and defeated after what happened last night and acknowledging twice this week i had things that really brought me down and had me questioning myself and deciding to be easy on myself today
-the love yourself videos i found on youtube that i'm watching and have put me in high spirits right now
-breaks and taking breaks until monday from working out
-getting my monthly thing finally today,which was late,and caused me to feel so awful this week and made me want to hide and lay low even still until next week
-support from others
-advice that seemed from the universe that i'm trying too hard and not going with the flow
-finding eerily accurate transit charts of astrology that was way on point with me and a friend
-the moon and how it looked today
-a new pic to post on instagram and a new pic idea for tomorrow
-deciding to make a resolution to stop checking social medias so much
-quieting myself little by little
-the beautiful sounds of the outside,such as the cars driving by and other soothing sounds that make me feel good
-the power of loving myself and realizing when tracing things back how i could have loved myself more and how much of a different place i am in now,if B were to come back this instant. it would definitely not be the same,i'm just so different now.i do think we'd still be in alignment though.i really,and authentically do.i just feel i'd be softer,more feminine,but more loving,and having higher standards for myself,and more detached.i think me and him would really match well together.
-realizing i really do idealize guys and ♥♥♥♥ behavior they do to me,and wondering why do i do that. is it because it's all i feel i have left once things end? it's crazy,because if i can see how others would think i'm nuts to make it sound so ok and fine what guys end up doing to me. but,yet i do. it's like i automatically romanticize things.i can also see how things weren't perfect with B. there were little things,he was far from perfect himself despite how much i like him,but look at what he did by abandoning me how he did.i think it's wise to have a realistic view of things,too and now am finally on the same page of others who manifest their ex back,where they say they aren't manifesting the same relationship with them,but a new one. that made me uncomfortable before,i had wanted the same one,and to pick up where we left off,and yet part of me didn't see how that could be perfect with the little issues,but now that IS what I want. I want us to align together,to form something new. to use the power of love,self love to transform and create a miracle of things.i realize now i tried too hard even with him,to get things to go a certain way to manifest goals of mine instead of flowing and how that's not really needed and so next time won't do that.i realize now i did come off a little desperate. not appearance wise but energy wise,there was slight desperation on my part,and that's not loving myself and next time i won't do that. it was fear,though.i took myself off the pedestal.i really did. and now i've put myself back on it.i really did adore him,though. that much was true. he took me for granted because i took myself off the pedestal. and i did that the minute i realized i liked him and he wasn't like D. in the future,i will not take myself off the pedestal,or have desperation energy and will instead just go with the flow,and if i want to do something,will just do it,instead of having fear. that's where the desperation came from. a fear of doing what i really want.
-all the serendpity,and mirror-like nature of reality,it's quite bizarre
-seeing the story like nature of reality,and the bits and pieces of stories in everything
-the law of attraction and knowing i can create anything out of nothing. the power of creation. i can always transform one thing to another.

[buttercup]

-d texting me today
-playing with makeup today,though not quite where i want to be which is frustrating
-color blending and just the art of blending different things in general
-third eye chakra work
-protein water
-lavender oil
-my porch
-lavender and chamomile tea
-my vegan dark chocolate with cherries
-a really deep sleep,though i slept too much,i actually slep quite nicely and fell asleep a little easier then usual
-being a girl
-my personality
-all the reflections on how much i've changed and progressed over the months,and realizing i'm right where i need to be
-cool art
-getting the dishes done
-how relaxed i feel and the sense of relief from finally getting my time of the month
-the cozy feelings i felt today
-my child like energy
-yoga pants
-the quiet
-mini meditations
-doing good on cutting back on social media
-being in a better mood today
-realizing how much more i love myself,and how before i really wasnt loving myself enough,not my personality for example
-nourishing food such as lentil soup which soothes me
-feeling very womanly and feminine
-my desires
-feeling relaxed about time

[buttercup]

-beautiful new music to discover that is dreamy,soothing,and loving
-feeling clean
-forgiving myself and being easy on myself
-my eyes
-makeup
-vegan food
-banana fruit spread on cinnamon french toast sticks
-being open to my feelings of D and honest to myself
-coffee
-sleeping deeper
-embracing the seasons and the flow of life,even if it's slower and more internal
-art
-the surge of inspiration during writing work project for what i have to do and having my vision come to me and being so excited about it,and willing to go a little different with it and the ability to express in a way that is authentic,but classy,and mature and artistic
-being an artist
-water
-my porch
-all the great work things today
-feeling so incredibly relaxed today and going with the flow
-pisces energy
-love and being love
-beautiful surreal concepts
-appreciation
-being me
-the work invite i got that looks fun that i want to do
-the samples i decided to request today
-someone who had disappeared responding today to work email finally and getting back to us on when which felt nice and made us laugh
-the universe
-sweet things
-eyes
-pisces energy
-aquarius energy
-work trip coming up and how much i'm looking forward to it
-vegan cookies and how good they are
-living a life of healing and happiness
-being a goody two shoes and embracing it
-the esoteric
-my child-like side
-all my inspirations and taste in things
-all the things i am meant to be in this life
-being an interesting person
-expression
-romance
-nature and how beautiful it is,snow,grass,leaves,the sun,trees,stars,the moon,so on
-vividness and intensity
-the power of the unspoken and telepathy and having that on my mind now
-getting to choose a new upcoming theme now for work project
-being more accepting
-great work being done
-that project 21 is almost done
-feeling like i want to dedicate this week to writing
-yoga pants
-that i get to exercise today
-the dreamy side of life and embracing it and how good it feels
-healing a little bit on what was bugging me last night
-going more with the flow of things and accepting imperfection and pain,etc
-meditation
-quantum healing meditation
-lavender and chamomile tea and how lovely and gentle it is
-creativity
-motivation
-deep cleansing breaths
-release

[buttercup]

-water and how delicious it and vibration raising. been drinking a lot lately with the psychic work i've been doing
-my lavender oil and how soothing it is
-randomly on an internet message board deciding to offer free psychic readings and getting a ton of requests and how accurate i was and all the people thanking me and telling me how grateful they are and that i have a gift. it was so interesting. i had felt drawn to do something like that for awhile. it showed me maybe i really could do something like this as a side job.
-the amazing,soothing warm shower i took and how good it felt
-body oil gel and how great it makes my body feel
-beauty products and how my renewed interest in beauty in the last months
-getting contoured a little more figured out and i think figuring out how to contour a facial feature i've had a lot of insecurity about which is amazing. surgery without the surgery! and finding out,this is what makeup artists and stuff do,and i've likely had this done to me already before and just didn't know it and now have a new tip to make myself more confident when i go out. so amazing.
-the amazing healing energy meditation i did about an hour ago,and how much energy blockages it healed.i've been meaning to this for days now and the first session was so-so,but the 2nd was wow so good when i altered to better method. so powerful and uplifting.i feel so much more secure and empowered now.
-how feminine and sensual i feel lately
-how tightened up my backside has gotten from working out
-yoga and how healing it is and the increased flexibility in my body.i did neck yoga yesterday to heal neck pain i had been having all week and it healed it right up
-coffee
-lipbalms
-my beautiful lips
-my beautiful hair
-how beautiful i am
-the doll like structure of my face
-how thin i am
-my perfect curves
-how tight my body is becoming
-the really cool idea i had about finding natural way to fix face insecurity besides the contouring,there is an online idea. how amazing! especially,since i've wanted to intention manifest this feature to alter,and now these things come up
-fashion
-being ok with taking day off from second career work,since my schedule got so thrown off
-staying dedicated to my fitness plan
-natural ways to heal things
-how small my arms
-finding out things that reaffirm myself and heal my perceptions. pronoia is the way
-positive tarot readings from recent men in my life about how they feel about me and want from me.
-how dreamy and artistic i've been feeling
-going with the flow more and slowing down
-getting super inspired for my writing piece i have to do for project 21 and getting a start on it
-my venus dimples
-that when i see myself positively,i see i am actually quite beautiful
-music
-being so bohemian as i am
-being love
-night skies
-how amazing i feel from the energy work i did,and remembering that one needn't do hours of spiritual practices to be centered,but just a little dedicated time,even 10 minutes a day is enough.
-yoga for opening the different chakras,frog splits,i think open my 2nd chakra,such an intense stretch but powerful. it's amazing all the closed energy we have that we don't know and how amazing it is to release different resistances
-being a classy female,since apparently that's a rare thing
-how much more loving of myself i am,and not even realizing i had not been loving myself on the inside before,and was so harsh on the inner me qualities,and now i am restored on that
-that upcoming busines trip is almost here
-how sexy i am
-that best friend sent me energy to move on from B.i know he did it,i can tell because B had left my mind so much suddenly. i told my friend i know what he did,but wont tell him what,because,i think i feel better this way actually and so am letting it be
-having goals and desires
-my innocence which guys seem to really like. i seem to come off as the goody goody no matter how hard i try,and people always think i'm naive
-that spring is here
-massage. ah,so good. for me,it's always scalp and feet i am most enjoying of
-how smart i am
-all that i have to offer
-being self improvement focused
-all my ig followers
-how spiritual i am
-beauty in general
-comfort
-coziness
-how open my heart feels
-how in shape my body is getting
-heroism
-how i see the world
-my creativity
-my desire to help others
-all the new vegan foods i've tried recently
-how amazingly good this banana spread is i've bought

[buttercup]

-my hair
-a nourishing,flavorful vegan dinner
-banana fruit spread
-watermelon candy. gotta nourish my sweet tooth
-emptying myself
-coffee
-getting a little more writing done for work
-getting up slight earlier today
-the amazing,clear,uplifted mindset i've been in all day because of simple,strong, 10 minute meditation before bed that cleared energy blockages. i'm starting to see that any strong meditation that clears energy has a multitude of benefits including clearer mind,better mood,and improved appearance,more time on your side,etc,etc. it's amazing. it's like you clear the junk out.i feel so much more organized now within just from clearing one energy blockage issue
-my eyeglasses
-water and how delicious it is lately
-california
-yoga
-how slender my figure is
-knee high socks
-being the innocent,adorable type
-figuring out ideas to alter a physical insecurity of mine
-makeup
-beauty products
-showers. so soothing
-hot tea
-living a life of healing,and beauty
-my eyes and how doll like my face can be
-how open my heart chakra has felt
-remembering that you don't need to complicate things or have tools or a computer to spiritually heal,you can do a meditation without anything that can heal. a video or resource online is but a luxury,and unneeded and even hindering at times
-nightskies and how soothing they are
-a bohemian ways of life
-the weather being a little nicer today
-my stomach being nice and flat,and slender today
-simplicity
-minimalism
-how little B has been on my mind,he's been almost completely gone,and not a single urge to check on his online stuff and my perceptions have changed in realizing how he treated me,i shouldn't want him so much anyways but that how i've been is great,because the best vengance is being happy and forgiving to the point where they think you are nuts for not being angry and want you back even more.
-reflection
-feeling in the flow of life and that this is a week of writing,and next week,ill be more action
-feeling so much organized now about goals
-getting little tasks tooken care of
-the power of happiness and love
-how much time feels on my side just from the little bit of energy clearing. it's amazing how some small thing is all it takes to get you back on track
-my taste in things
-how much i love myself
-dim lighting
-being easy on myself
-how sculpted my back is becoming

[buttercup]

-body oil gel
-clean towels
-the positive tarot readings i keep getting on B that are not only super exact perfect,but also keep connecting more and more as in accurate
-doing some spring cleaning tonight
-doing some painting tonight,just to mix it up
-S contacting me to go out.it annoyed since it was so last minute and had it not been,i may have been able to go,but it was nice to be invited
-lipbalm
-going shopping today
-taking today and yesterday off from fitness to mix it up for days off
-the sun
-coffee
-clarity
-getting beauty sample today in the mail
-being peace and love when my peace was disturbed today
-allowing my mind to fantasize a little today when it felt drawn to. felt nice
-getting my eyebrows threaded today and how much better it always makes my face look
-water
-mason jars
-symbolisims
-getting a chic looking new black sportsbra
-how slowed down i feel lately and more in the flow
-how happy i felt tonight
-how forward moving i feel now
-frog splits stretches. love that pose.
-how pretty my face is
-coming to my senses about D
-feeling sensual and feminine
-how amazing of a life i have,and remembering that,and the things i have to show
-cool art
-massage
-feeling better about certain physical insecurity
-instagram
-inspiration
-that upcoming business trip is coming soon
-goal best friend checked off list
-getting best friend to confide in me a little
-talking with best friend today
-meeting my goal of waking up slightly earlier each day earlier and earlier the last three days,almost back on schedule i'd like
-quieting down
-transforming
-shedding aspects of myself
-pisces,aquarius,and sagittarius and all there is to learn from these signs
-protein powder that is vegan
-being as small i am
-being as happy and motivated as i am
-no longer having that need feeling for b
-seeing b checked into dating site again which made me feel good,even though i also know deep down inside,that assuming things is pointless
-feeling cozy feelings
-how gorgeous my hair is
-that it's springtime
-how much my body is transforming,and my muscles tightening
-how gorgeous i looked in the mirror today
-sleep
-my backside and how curvy it is
-having nicely shaped lips
-actually feeling tired,which shows best friend's tip about insomnia may have been right
-cats
-all the metaphysical natures of reality truths and theories that come to me to ponder
-my lavender oil

[buttercup]

-banana fruit spread and how delicious it is on my cinnamon french toast sticks. so good.
-coffee
-my vitamins i love with the calicum,magnesium,zinc,and vitamin d. these are my fave!
-feeling clean
-feeling ready for spring
-feeling ready for actions in my life
-water
-mason jars
-getting spring cleaning done last night
-meditation
-ideas that come to me
-help
-great law of attraction and metaphysical articles that are smart,evolved,and make sense
-being as smart as i am
-lip balm
-the amazing tarot symbols i got several in a row of in the one reading
-sportsbras and how flattering they are on me and much more comfortable then regular bras,no wonder i'm building my wardrobe with more of them then i am of regular bras
-high vibrations
-lavender oil
-knowing that i am in the process of attracting a guy to me who i will find very sexy,masculine,classy,and protective
-knowing that i am in the process of attracting a guy who will spoil me like a princess,and be possessive
-knowing i am in the process of attracting a guy who will enjoy taking me out,showing me off to his friends,pda,and going to clubs and lounges with me
-knowing i am in the process of attracting a guy who will fight for me,and be heroic
-knowing i am in the process of attracting a guy who makes me feel secure and and is practical
-feeling ready for a night out and socializing
-being a pretty positive person,it takes efforts,but i know i am overall very positive,it's obvious in how i speak,and think
-that business trip is just around the corner
-business person responding back to me after disappearing for a few weeks
-feeling like i'm almost ready to move
-appreciating all that i've gone through while living here
-deciding tonight would be a good night for journaling
-deciding maybe i should plan my workouts a little earlier so it helps my insomnia
-being very beautiful
-peaceful sounds of the outside
-lessening

[buttercup]

-beautiful spiritual truths
-third eye being sore,which i'm taking as a good thing,that it's being worked
-coffee
-water
-mason jars
-mugs
-waking up a little earlier
-deciding now to aim for switching shopping day this weekend to a different day
-getting more writing work done today,and seeing it coming together a little bit more,and start to come more cohesive and where it's going
-my desires and wants
-sweets
-music
-yoga and how good it feels
-lipbalm
-getting instagram post made after much overanlyzing
-all that i have going for me
-interesting curation
-my artistic mindset
-being smart
-being unique
-how beautiful my face is
-knowing negative emotions such as insecurity,or crabbiness from dismal weather is just natural and polarity and to let it flow and not take it too seriously
-feeling more and more affirmed of my beliefs from becoming more mature and expanded
-more ideas to better myself and things to learn
-heart chakra feeling nice and open
-my hair and how beautiful it is
-scalp massages
-all the things coming together,things connecting and so on
-honesty with myself about life's failures and pains
-inspirations from all sorts of things from literature to astrology
-seeming like someone who has a lot going for them
-being more content with where i am now,and feeling ok with the moment
-imagination
-all the offers and abundance that's expanded for me
-my style
-my maturity and wisdom
-deep cleansing breaths
-lessening and minimalism
-the coming month and the blessings that will come
-all the amazing reflections from the past months,it's amazing
-relaxation and how relaxed i feel
-how detached i am,and appreciative of the unspoken
-my beautiful personality
-that i am in the process of attracting a guy who thinks i'm beautiful,and a perfect 10
-that i am in the process of attracting a guy who wants to take care of me and will love me
-that i am in the process of attracting a guy who is masculine,protective,possessive,and capable
-that i am in the process of attracting a guy who will feel like a hero
-that i am in the process of attracting a guy who is classy,respects me,and that i can share with and bond with
-being able to smile
-subjective reality
-going with the flow,and embracing slowness
-that upcoming business trip is around the corner and all the offers
-my wonderful business partner and that i met her and she came into my life
-my desire to help
-beautiful stories
-my vitamins
-all the ig likes and follows
-realizing i'm out of iron for past few days or week and that could also be why i'm so tired lately
-feeling in a good mood and motivated
-my positive energy
-all the insights coming to me that something amazing is about to happen
-pronoia

[buttercup]

-beautiful happy songs and lyrics
-open my heart feels
-deep cleansing breaths
-how clear i feel
-coffee
-water
-my wisdom
-learning more makeup techniques that work better for my skintone that i've been wanting to learn
-the power of intentions
-meditation
-my favorite vegan dark chocolate
-lavender oil
-third eye work
-getting more work done today and things forming with my writing
-all the offers pouring in for first career
-how powerful intentions and meditating is for getting writing to come together for me
-feeling ok with things taking their time and not feeling rushed
-my viewpoints,and reflections,and intelligence
-my best friend and how amazing he is
-business partner working with me a little bit today and chatting
-going tanning today
-my beauty
-pronoia
-being better then i think i am
-babies
-happiness
-astrology website being faster today
-being in such a good mood
-being honest with myself
-seeing how i can simplify more to create more time on my side
-my eyeglasses
-my body feeling stronger
-how small my lower back is
-email from K
-positive mindsets
-my spiritual awakening
-that we are eternal
-getting things done today
-waking up earlier today
-realizing my power
-carbohydrates
-all the new instagram likes and follows.

[buttercup]

-positive new month energy
-how beautiful the moon looks
-the amazing,beautiful weather today which was a very interesting way to start off the new month
-water
-mason jars
-coffee
-cinnamon french toast sticks with banana spread and how good that tastes together
-how open my body feels lately
-how open my heart and mind feel lately,the clarity of those energy centers,my chakras feel overall very open
-the excitement i felt in the air that something amazing is coming
-dental floss
-coca cola
-cool art and symbolisms
-all the signs B is around the corner and getting a contact from another person from the past who actually blocked me which also seems very sign like and getting a tarot after that happened to symbolize what sudden contact can mean now. knight of swords. can also mean sudden leaving
-dream like nature of reality
-feeling energetically once i get this letter done,i'll feel much more moved forward in life,since this letter is very wintery and symbolically it's also a release for me to finish them. makes me want to speed up the letter too since i still feel less then half done
-beautiful night skies and fresh air and how soothing and awakening that is
-remembering how much i love my apartment because i can keep my door open when weather is nice and how invigorating that is,and my secluded balcony porch too. it reminds me of a bit of a vacation feel which is super soothing. i love the seclusion and that i can go out anytime i please and enjoy the nightskies.i will really remember this well
-that i have incense picked up for me,my favorite one. that'll be nice to use with the full moon energy.
-my essential oils. cedarwood and lavender.i was able to go without shoes today and used cedarwood for root chakra since it's so much warmer today
-laughing at trolling back the friend who contacted me and the back and forth fun that was
-learning amazing new makeup tips that work for my skintone
-being a woman
-accepting a little bit of craziness and moodiness
-checking in with my feelings,today is that mixed feeling of seasons changing. on one hand,i feel ready to move forward,and on the other i miss winter,because of how lovely it actually was. i know finishing this letter,and this week,will propel to moving forward more,but i'll always hold this fall and winter as special in my heart.i feel things so strongly,the subtle shifts of energy and i loved so much the quiet,cozy feeling of life since the last cycle of things,september or so,and just feel i'm about to enter a new cycle and don't know what's to come,and also sad thinking about other life cycles that have begun and ended in the past. the seasons. they change.
-taking a break from personal blogging until june
-clarity and assurances,clear seeing.
-feeling free and relaxed
-being spiritual and wise but child-like
-gratitude lists
-quantum physics and fringe science videos and articles online

[buttercup]

-water
-mason jars
-beautiful weather today
-sitting on the porch today
-my adorable,stylish shoes that i love and getting some good pics of them i like to post one on ig
-acknowledging my feelings that i feel apathetic,bored,disconnected,and like everyone is living except me. i get that i had to slow down for march,and didn't regret declining things but now i feel like i'm left with nothing,and confused about life,impatient,etc.i feel ishouldn't humor thoughts of B anymore despite all the serendipity i keep getting almost daily,,i need to let go,which i thought i have,but i can feel he's still there a smidge,i need to let go more.i miss E and wish he would contact me. and,i'm really really wanting a night out of clubbing or a great concert,both really,and just want to have fun,exciting summer adventures.i guess a part of me has that fear i won't and i need to let go of that.
-waking up earlier. finally! idk why but my body was just ready to be up.i also did go to a bed a little earlier.i just felt ready. that's actually great. it's been a big stressor holding me back.
-getting super inspired before bed by this one woman i know and seeing how she lives so fully,and does so many amazing things,and to use that as inspiration for my own life,to do more and be fearless.i really do think i'm being held back by not meeting more people.i keep wanting to meet more ambitious people but have yet to. and,just remembering all the amazing people i've met who i admire and what they do which keeps them as admirable people,which is just living their dreams,and being fearless. I so envy her,and that crush on A,even though i know they have their problems too and people admire me as well,but i just want to feel more free,and do more. that's the frame of mind i'm in right now.
-deciding yesterday I had to delete myself off the astrology forum as it's too distracting,and i want to focus more on my dreams. when you focus on your dreams,you just live a different life. you heal from your pain through it,and meet amazing people through it,and use your pain to go higher,and it's just amazing thing. success is the 2nd best "revenge." happiness is the first.
-my cute gray knee high socks. so comfortable and stylish
-delicious cinnamon french toast sticks and banana spread. i love satisfying my sugar tooth and being vegan
-gratitude lists. i already feel lifted to a more hopeful frame of mind now.i keep asking tarot what's the theme for me this lunar eclipse and getting success as the theme for me. i've felt like i'm metaphorically birthing something a few days ago,and so i wonder if i'm on the verge of manifesting some desires. it fascinates me how in tune i get with my feelings and spiritual insights
-how storybook like life is
-coca cola. bad vice, i know.
-my favorite incense
-how long,thin,and tight my legs are. they make me feel so feminine
-edm music . i love upbeat beats. and being in on what's hot
-nightskies
-meditation.i know i need to do more of it. especially with how indecisive i've been feeling. it came to me to delete that profile off the forum because when i start spending more time on them,it does seem to block me from real life social interactions i've found,and so i knew it was time to go as in the past,once i cut out blocks like that,real life picks up. i also have had it come to me i need to finish business letter,which is more then half done,and will also be then propelled forward with life,as it seems energetic symbolic
-sacral chakra work. getting in touch with my wants,and feelings,and femininity.
-frog splits. such a powerfully deep opening stretch.i want to do this everyday.i find it so healing
-knowing that i'm about to enter a new phase of more clearing,and vibration raising,and desires manifesting
-my hair and how beautiful it is
-allowing myself to day dream and dream and believe. from the high rise apartment i am wanting,to the social activities i am craving,it feels good to just want
-reminding myself that i'm where i need to be,and with little things such as wishing i could go clubbing again,and what if i don't,that now is a time for exploring more of other things i've been doing like vegan foods,cocktails,and so on,and everything has it's time and place,and my desires are creating my future,but to appreciate where i'm at,because,as usual,i'll end up looking back on that,and thinking that was a nice time. things have a time gap. appreciate the moment,because everything you enjoy was at one time in the desire stage
-all the new instagram followers and likes lately. crazy. have no idea how people are finding me lately
-astrological appreciation and inspiration
-makeup
-delicious vegan protein powder i used for a drink last night,and had as my dinner and how good it made me feel
-how slender my arms are
-that no matter what,i have moving in august to look forward to and upcoming business trip in a few weeks
-all the work offers coming in
-being able to leave my door open
-the birds chirping
-remembering spiritual truths
-realizing i'm not going with the flow again,since i'm feeling impatient for action in my life yet blocked on how to actually manifest that,besides deleting one site,and deciding to meditate more,and already with that first thing,i ended up waking up earlier and going to bed earlier which i also felt within was a step needed to help me raise my vibration and manifest the movement in my life i was seeking
-the aliveness of life today with the spring colors and so on
-feeling in the spring time mood
-appreciating the winter and fall i had
-being love
-how cozy and quaint life can feel
-being beautiful
-feeling like i'm too attractive to do certain things,truth be told
-how validating life has been lately,another aspect of coming back to myself
-being honest with myself the last 2 days that i am kind of tired of second business career.i don't want to quite let it go though yet,but i'm obviously not quite enjoying it anymore as much. some parts,i am.
-my style
-things coming to me slightly about what i want to do and where i want to go career wise
-truths coming to me,more and more
-having it come to me more,maybe i do like E more then i think,and feel for him deeper then i realize
-cuteness
-art
-realizing more and more the law of attraction nature of things and how reality can ever-change
-knowing happiness is power,and my religion
-miracles

[buttercup]

-water
-mason jars
-coca cola
-coffee
-vegan cookies
-expansion
-going to the little local trendy restaurant a few blocks from my house finally.
-just getting out of the house and having fun
-sangrias,cocktails,and alcohol in general. makes life more fun. :)
-no longer liking the taste of cheese,and in fact,preferring pizza without. had roommates leftover pizza and took the cheese off and it was delicious.
-my little idea to help with indecisiveness ocd,by posting two pics,and later deleting the less preferred when i want to post on social media and my mind goes overdrive
-techno music
-fun
-stylish music in general
-my vibration being raised again.i went crazy the last two days feeling stuck and apathetic
-feeling as crazy as it may sound and having no logical proof,that B is crazy for me,and wants me back. tarot keeps saying i should contact him,and that it'd reunite us. i'm not going to,but it's strange.
-pisces friend revealing he has feelings to me.it made me mad at first,but then it did something awful...it made me realize I do like my friend E. I do. and,dammit,if anyone had been reading anything i've written in the last 8 months anywhere,they'd be able to point it out,too. i do have feelings for E. He is more relevant then i realized. How could i have missed this? I even started to feel during this lunar eclipse that i love him. I feel crazy. I was tempted to contact him. I still feel these feelings. Someone had suggested am i repressing how much i like him,and then a few days later now,i am feeling like this. I had more signs then i realized of liking him,perhaps. and,even now i still feel myself repressing it. i can't logically see why i like him. or how he cares about me. and,i've assumed he'd not be able to satiate me. but,then that's the thing,i assumed. and,feelings aren't logical,they just are. you can't help how you feel. this is just all so weird. i used to have a very subtle cognizant feeling that someday we'd kiss. i just felt it,but repressed it,and we did. i'd have psychic dreams about it,and now he's kissed me. and,now i feel a claircogizant feeling lately,that someday we'll end up having sex. all the things i've been mad at him about,i now see either weren't a big deal,or had a reason for happening,too. it's just so weird,all of this,how much my perceptions keep altering
-getting work letter almost done,so close,and it's such a release.i showed partner where i was at the other day and it was huge clunky mess and she said no wonder i've been going crazy. right away,i deleted a hugeeeeeee chunk of writing,and sort of started fresh. it was such an energetic release.i was taking the letter way too seriously,and going way too in depth and writing too much. so not needed. it's so much shorter,fresher,better now. and,i also feel ok with lettings things go dreamy,and abstract but still tying everything to be professional. it's probably pretty much done,but i'm going to say 80% just to make sure it's tip top before release
-spiritual healing music. chakra music,thetas,and gammas,clear my chakras and help me write better. a great way to multi-task
-nicer weather
-finally feeling ready for spring
-my style
-my child-like energy
-facial exercises
-makeup
-being someone who wants to look pretty and takes the time to look nice sometimes
-faith in myself
-freedom
-my adorable new shoes,that look both like little girl shoes,and like ballerina shoes,and very summery,and in my favorite color,all at once
-cozy feelings
-being spiritually in tune
-people reaching out to me
-my creativity
-being feminine
-mixing things up
-minimalism,secrets,and the sacred.
-romantic comedy movies to watch

[buttercup]

-feeling clean
-getting a delicious iced coffee on the way to the store
-my beautiful orange roses. so goregous. i love them. the perfect flowers for right now.i love orange flowers. so vivid
-these delicious vegan burgers i bought that just looked so interesting to try
-having a really good face day for some reason. my skin has a goregous glow and my facial features looked more in alignment. i wonder if it's the eclipse realizations that came to me,that cleared some blockages that caused this. even with a hat on,and sneakers,and unbrushed hair,i looked BEAUTIFUL today
-stopping at a store that's not the usual store and how much beauty products they had. so bountiful and fun. i seen so many ideas..
-picking up the lipliner on my list to play and work with that
-all the business trip work offers! still coming in
-place to stay for business trip confirmed. :)
-the intense lunar eclipse feelings that came to me about E making me realize he is more relevant to me then i realize,i do have feelings for him,and i had assumed so much about him without even knowing,and that all these things i had been annoyed at by him,was also i had done same things. honestly,it was mind blowing,i had so much more perception changing happen,it's like a light was shown on it and it all happened from friend S revealing he had feelings for me and a girl on a forum asking if i'm repressing feelings for E with all this mental noise. it was like the universe speaking to me,i just all of a sudden got hit with realizing i do like e,and have repressed it. just looking at everything now,and retracing it,it's like a different story,and it is mind blowing to me how i see me and E now. all the people who used to ask if i liked him,or said we looked like we were together or friend A getting jealous and not wanting to be around if E would be there generally,was him sensing something too. i'm just amazed at how much has changed,yet at the same time,realize,it had to be now,it wouldn't have made sense to for it to be back then,now is the time. the only question is,what will happen next since he's seemed to withdraw from me.
-deciding to back off from tarot again.i got fascinated by the illustrations,and the positive aspects of it,and do love signs,but this is no good for me and a block. i'm glad i'm observing blocks,and getting rid of them,so i can raise my vibration more,and have things manifest quicker
-that i get to finish up my writing tonight. am sooo close to done,and finally see where it will go now. and realize now in the future,when i'm that stressed,i need to just chop a bunch off or start from scratch because clearly im taking it too seriously then.i am now more detached from it,and have a sweet,much shorter,fresher piece,that's pretty much done,but i just want to sculpt more and perfect,and make sure i really am ok with it,and that's it's quality.
-facial exercises
-getting my workout done yesterday
-my favorite incense
-remembering my sweet loved one who left this physical reality,and memories of her
-how beautiful the weather is today
-just realizing how much E has been affected by me,and likes me more then i realized this whole time
-how much time i feel have now tonight
-healed perceptions
-my desire for fun
-the beautiful peaceful sounds of the outside,including trains,birds,cars,etc, very peaceful
-feeling more relaxed about life now
-beautiful green flower stems
-me,my personality interests,and quirks
-my child-like side
-how in shape i am getting
-mixing things up
-breaks
-my power
-deciding to speak more positive about my writing,too since i had been complaining too much about it,making it harder
-forgiveness
-spiritual healing music
-quiet
-paying attention to feelings
-signs,including dream again
-feeling good
-spring time
-getting back on track again
-sleeping somewhere else,and getting better sleep because of it. back felt wonderful!

[buttercup]

-feeling clean
-feeling relaxed
-the feeling of release and movement now that project 21 is released. such an energetic release,i realize every time 2nd career projects complete
-high protein vegan food
-altering my workouts slightly because i've been getting bored with them,and how great that feels now to more motivated again
-D contacting me today.
-warm,soothing,mood boosting coffee
-these beautiful orange roses. love the color so much. roses are my favorite flower
-loving myself
-all the new instagram activity later with people somehow noticing me and starting to follow me that know me and offer me things,very odd how i'm being found lately
-an artist i've worked with being featured in my city really close to where i live,a few blocks away,actually. perhaps,i'll check it out.
-positive tarot readings on E and his feelings for me and what he wants,and what he wants to give me. super,super positive. just also,realizing,he's maybe been more caring then irealized this whole time,and maybe could be better for me,and give me more then some of these other guys,and i just brushed it off and assumed he couldn't. realizing and remembering all the little details about me he's always remembered,too which is super sweet and makes me feel special. i adore his sentimental side. being able to picture more then just kissing with him now,but relationship things too
-remembering my loved one who left this physical reality,and making sure she is remembered. i miss her so much.
-my perceptions changing in positive ways that are healing,naturally which is really nice
-enjoying food more then ever since becoming vegan since i now have more pride in what i eat
-business partner being more chatty today
-feeling motivated about 2nd business again and like i do want to keep doing it
-all my accomplishments and cool things i do
-being able to see how E sees me more,and thinking it's cute. he seems to see me as child-like and innocent
-upcoming business trip
-my interests and personality
-water,and drinking lots of it
-music
-allowing and accepting imperfection
-being kind
-my eyeglasses
-that it's spring time,and i've felt ready for it,and moved forward
-that i'm over B ,and also have been for some time,D
-that i seem like someone who is quite a looker in the perceptions of others and based on interest i recieve
-the lunar eclipse,and what S and online forum person said to me making me realize the truth about E and unlocking all my feelings,actually i've been burning my favorite incense which is unlock so that,too could be playing a part
-yoga
-sleep getting a little bit better
-clarity
-being thought of
-knowing i have a lot going for me
-seeing other famous people with my features which me feel better about some of my insecurities
-inspiration
-beauty
-the industry i work in
-how different my mindset,and moods are and happiness compared to this time last year. i've found so many amazing tools to boost happiness and things i've changed that i never thought of before,that i can just be for hours upon a time daily,in a way that is different from before. just so much more mind clarity and ease of getting to happiness. i almost want to write an article or something about it.
-literature and how storybook life is seeming to me lately,more and more
-all the spiritual truths that have expanded themselves to me in the last 9 months or so

[buttercup]

-the rain and how beautiful it is. rained all day. :) i love rain.i love how i can watch the rain on my porch balcony and not get wet. so soothing,and makes me feel very spring-time.
-that it's spring-time.
-my hourglass curvature
-getting a lot of work done today and putting out work together with business partner and how great it looks. got done pretty easily and looks great and enjoyed chatting with her,too
-getting another person i admire from an organization i admire to agree to work on something with me. so excited. it feels so good to live my dreams
-pulling a cool photo from the fall that i want to post on my instagram in a bit to show more of my industry and accomplishments
-my animal soulmate and making her a symbol and legend of so much and her reawakening me to animal advocacy and all that she has taught me,it's amazing. she is so important and i'm so glad i can make her famous and an important symbol to me.i love how i've honored her.
-feeling relaxed,and in good spirits
-coffee
-feeling clean
-the abundance of things to explore
-colors
-roses
-a work offer from primary career that looked interesting
-the amazing journaling session last night that purged a lot of feelings and brought me more clarity on myself
-nighttime
-how much i've matured and evolved and all the resistances i've cleared over the years
-loyal supporters
-feeling attractive
-the amazing webinar i watched from a spiritual guru type i like and how inspiring her energy was and the good mood it put me in
-movies to watch. sometimes a good movie is so nice to entertain and distract for awhile
-how literary life feels lately and inspires me lately
-roommate coming by for a bit to nap earlier
-water
-changing my workouts to be shorter,since before was a lot,and i know i can get a lot done in less time anyways and this will help with motivation since i had been starting to get slightly bored
-amys' kitchen texas burgers with mustard. so super good. i'm so glad i can enjoy things without cheese more then i used to. seasonings or hummus is a great,more satisfying cheese replacement really
-how forward moved i feel in life now. it's amazing. jan,feb,march each had their place,and now i'm in a blank canvas new space to create with. so exciting.
-becoming more confident,and forgiving of myself and authentic
-that business trip is around the corner and how exciting that is.
-how much fresher my hair looks ever since cutting it shorter
-how fresh and alive life feels!
-the power of happiness
-that i cleaned the bathroom last night
-embracing new aspects of myself and becoming stronger and stronger
-having an interesting life
-that it's so beautiful out,i can keep my door open
-my energy and soul
-echinacea tea and how wonderfully soothing it is

[buttercup]

-feeling good
-vegan burritos
-helping out my mom today and doing a small kind gesture,with it as well
-getting a bottle of wine today,because it felt like a loving myself thing to do
-getting this sexy swim cover up that i've coveted for a long time but could never find at a shop that i finally found at a really good price. felt good to get an item i've wanted for a long time,that is sexy,and from a sexy boutique since i don't usually shop at boutiques like that. felt like a very loving myself thing to get. it's very sports illustrated looking.
-finding out a popular cosmetics company i've been hearing so much about and trying doesn't test on animals which made me happy so now i have two main cosmetics brands to turn to that do not test on animals
-my ex,A contacting me ,which makes twice in two days.i felt bad saying no,and it made my mind wander,also feeling like i don't want to in ways,but that maybe i should go out,and then i'd attract more going out activities to me but alas i didn't
-feeling like E feels very very deep for me,in ways that may even be surprising,but ever since i realized i have feelings for him,too,i've been having fear and obsessing type thoughts,almost like waiting to hear from him now,and so it's time to let him go. i know where i stand now. the moon and other things highlighted things for me which was good,and it was good i even let myself feel head in the clouds about E for a week but i'm glad i came down from the clouds and am now thinking of other people to try and make plans with and not waiting around wondering about E.
-that i'm ok with letting business trip pass by before realy going out again since its been on my mind so much and just almost want to get that done,though also,it seems like i'm making excuses to put things off. it's definitely a balance.
-pictures
-inspiration
-spring-time weather today
-the sun
-color of the night sky
-face starting to look younger with makeup techniques i've been doing,and advancing with the makeup learning. i think i'm progressing.
-entertainment
-the shape of my backside and how round it is,and small,and curvy
-feeling feminine
-feeling more motivated,and organized about things to do,and getting them done
-feeling child-like
-a great article on how to love someone with anxiety i came across online.
-feeling overall and relaxed about life.
-water
-iron vitamins. i'm sure they've played a part in my sleep being a little more normal and my energy levels a little higher
-peaceful sounds of the outside such as the trains and cars driving by. it's so soothing to me.
-my favorite incense,unlock.
-working on continuing to better myself,more and more.
-feeling beautiful
-being love
-business partner being chatty lately,and seeming super reasonable about when we can hang out when i'm in her city
-best friend actually seeming to try new things a little bit more lately,which makes me happy.
-the joys of being a woman
-healing different things,more and more
-my eyeglasses
-

[buttercup]

-feeling clean
-releasing restrictions and repressions more and more
-getting more trip planning completed. what a release!
-after anxiety attack in the morning,making decision that is law of least effort(don't like that name of that law) for work and business partner quickly accomodating.
-after feeling annoyed and stressed at social things with people and feeling not appreciated and like i'm being shut out by people being how i deem in my eyes as shady,deciding to use that as motivation to get pumped up again to be better. i really want to feel more appreciated again,but feel people are being sexist and that i'm dealt things because of being an attractive female that aren't fair and not given things because i won't sleep with certain people or other people take me as rejecting them. it's really not fair,but this spring and summer is all about redesign,recarving,and blooming like a flower.
-freeing myself from E. deciding to make my own fun and focusing on what will make me feel good
-after feeling emotional again this afternoon(i am pms-ing,i think) realizing i struggle consistently with not feeling heard,and i think that's why i do certain things.
-feeling more clarity on my path by taking away certain things,and focusing on others. excited for upcoming work thing with animal advocate guy,and upcoming business trip.i do not care to even plan out anything else until i'm back. this is the path,the tune,the pace that is right for me
-vegan food
-getting a coffee out today
-my blase at people being weird asking questions that are odd today(a neighbor) because,honestly,i am the same way with being weird and random. i'm a very accepting and nonchalant person
-getting the black fabric dye today finally so i can try and restore favorite lucky going out top!
-allowing myself to feel my feelings and be feminine
-a really nice theta intention setting session before bed. worked on almost 30 different things!. and,the music really relaxed me and helped me shift to having more insights
-being able to do another kind gesture
-waking up to a lot of texts today
-my ex calling me in the middle of the night for some reason;i enjoy the fun guys give me,it amuses me which is nice otherwise life would be more boring
-having my eyes on the prize and more motivation again
-dishes being done
-cute animals
-an email from K last night
-all my accomplishments
-realizing i can surpass certain people with certain things if i really wanted to
-being easy on imperfection
-using anger for positivity. sometimes you have to say if people want to be like this to you,then ♥♥♥♥ them and you will go off and make even better things happen then. and,then watch,all good when you come back around you'll see how much they missed you and were talking about you. That's what always happens.
-that love life still seems mysteriously more active since around august or so,i swear it's the loving myself gestures i've done. it's just insane. i'm such a different person compared to before then.
-candy
-hot tea
-feeling better now physically.i had gotten physicall sick from the anxiety this morning but i feel so much more well now
-my stomach being nice and flat today
-my hair length and how much fresher it looks since cutting it
-jelly donuts
-finding an adorable place i'd love to try that i can possibly meet business partner at on trip

[buttercup]

-positive energy sent to me
-water and drinking lots of it
-my face looking more glowy and young today
-my body being nice and thin today
-going over 24 hours without tarot and knowing this time i will stick to staying away from it. i also found some info about tarot&psychic addiction to help me see how illogical and limiting,and not accurate,and so on it is. one day without it,and already i had more time in my day,and felt a little better of a mood lift
-getting follw up information on one of my bookings out of town,and how excited that made me
-facial exercises
-scalp massages
-stress release
-vegan food
-fashion inspiration and finally changing up boutiques i shop at after a few years,so my style can evolve a little bit.it's been a year of evolving my fashion,diet,fitness,spirituality,and dating and it really is amazing
-my lips seeming to become a little bigger and making my teeth and mouth a little more attractive
-makeup
-finding fitness motivation again;i am now doing two videos per day on body part of the day and then my yoga,and also adding tibetan rites as yoga to my playlist again since that's a yoga i find very beneficial. yoga and strength training are my passions
-the beautfiul weather today
-that my business trip is right around the corner,and that not much seems to be needed left to be done,and how excited and healing i know this trip will be for me
-getting the living room cleaned up
-organizing life a smidge and getting things done so things feel easier
-all the awesome and inspiring videos on youtube i enjoy
-california
-feeling confident
-the great journaling session last night i did
-cute adorable animal videos that really show you animals are intelligent and have lives of their own
-beauty
-my animal soulmate
-simplifying and things becoming easier
-meditation
-seeing more and more women who look much younger then their age,and how reassuring that is for when iget older
-feeling comfortable
-the trippy spiritual thoughts i was having last night while i just laid down and did nothing for a bit. i've been on such a spiritual high lately for months now of new things being pieced together for me,theories,and things sticking

[buttercup]

-getting things done,even if it's not exactly fun or comfortable,just to get it over with
-laughing at life and how funny it is
-how much more time i have now,the boost in mood i noticed,AS WELL AS,and increase in intuition and clarity ever since i gave up the tarot.i feel no actual desire to go back to it. it's been almost 48 hours,and i see now it's absurd. it had caused things such as me assuming the worst and manifesting little bits of that causing me to think even more it must be true then,and influencing me to push things away more. can't help but wonder if it wasn't for tarot,would B and i have had certain fights,would D and I went exactly as we went.....and would i have skipped E's party last march. it's amazing what decluttering the little things from your life can do. i keep feeling little urges that the old me would've turned to tarot for,too. like when ifeel slight wondering what someone is thinking or what will happen, worried type feelings but then i stop,and realize i create my reality.i feel firm the universe wants me to nix this.
-my ex A calling me again. This is SO unlike him. idk what is going on with him. he is chasing me quite a bit lately and i don't know why.
-sweet feelings,memories of E
-allowing myself to be angry about guys,sexism,some things from one of the work fields i work in that is unfair and sexist and just letting myself feel that stuff,and knowing that all will be righted. feeling so much more patient with life that all will unfold in the right time.
-lavender oil. so good. idk what it is about this oil but it just does something to me unlike the other oils i've used. i'm so drawn to it,and find it so soothing
-coffee
-banana fruit spread
-cinnamon french toast sticks
-vegan food
-my dark vegan chocolate and how stress releasing it is
-going tanning today
-nourishing my femininity
-how sculpted my body feels
-the inspiring videos on youtube i watched yesterday,and inspiration to expand some things for myself.
-my accomplishments
-my eyeglasses
-opportunities
-deciding to apply to something that i got rejected for last year,because things change and you never know,and i am much more high vibration this year so maybe it'll work out this time
-getting dishes done
-that i'll have a nice glass of wine tonight
-that i've been offered so many jobs for out of town trip,more then enough i could accept,which is very inspiring. universe is very much on my side for this trip. also,that i'm getting my times sorted out now for my exact schedule which is nice. things have come together quite nicely and easily.
-water
-pillows
-relaxation
-being myself and authenticity
-how curvy and round my backside is. it looks like ideal backside of what guys like.
-nice weather today
-just all the wisdom and clarity today and lately
-allowing desires and dreams to rise to the surface
-quiet

[buttercup]

-animal activists
-water,and all the extra water i'm drinking lately. been upping it from 3 liters a day to going for 4-5 liters
-veganism and the vegan community
-agreeing to go out with me ex A this weekend. i kinda have wanted to and felt i may as well since once may hits,who knows where life will go. and funny enough he suggested a place that has a tarot theme liquor menu(i googled the place and seen this)
-lol. very funny and serendipitious since i've been so into tarot art and symbolism lately and just recently gave up doing readings(he has no idea about any of this)
-dying my shirt today. glad to get that done. so far,looks much better,but haven't seen it dried yet.
-my lip shape being fuller
-workouts becoming more fun again on my new plan
-moving on from E. Even though i realized my feelings,i'm also balanced too and rational and realizing he isn't contacting so no point in feeling hurt or longing by his behaviors or idealizing and instead focusing on my goals and making myself happy. the tarot certaintely blocked me from this,and now i can see things much more clearly again.i feel very content with whatever happens,happens with me and E now. I do miss him a little,but not going to make him my world in my mind
-trendy vegan place ideas for while on upcoming business trip that i got from watching vlogger's video channel
-how round and in shape my backside is
-how sculpted my back has gotten. it has the line down the middle of it,my back seems to have always been my strongest,easiest to get in shape body part for some reason
-the sun
-clarity
-how delicious water tastes,it just tastes so good. it's like working out,the more you do,the more of it you want to do. same with water drinking.
-how shiny my hair is
-being in an overall good mood today
-simplicity
-waking up earlier today
-the internet
-inspiration

[buttercup]

-realizing i really,really need to get back on track with meditating. i've slacked off quite a bit on it and my ocd mind has been going a little worse and of course,i know why. what haven't i done much of? meditating. however,i'm four,i believe it is,days strong on no tarot,and so am giving myself leniancy on things as long as i don't go and do that.i still have slight urges to go to it,when i have certain questions in my mind,afterall i've been doing tarot regularly for about SIX months now before i had quit.i don't think i've gone more then a week without it,since then. so,if i'm a little lazier,or distracting myself with other not so productive things,i'm ok with that for now,but starting tomorrow,i intend to get back on track even more and do more meditating.
-protein water. even though i'm giving that up to clean up my diet even more,as i realize i really don't need the water.
-california inspirations. i realize places like california are all about slowing down,yet somehow getting it all done,and that is exactly my vibe.
-fashion magazines from all over the world and being inspired by middle eastern beauty and makeup and argentenian and brazilian,and portugal fashions,and middle east fashions,too
-being honest with myself that ok,i really need to get it together. today was not my day,from spilling and making more of a mess in my home with spilling coffee,and feeling pms-y and just wanting cuddles and feeling needy and lazy,i felt like a little child. as soon as i spilled the coffee,it killed my mood for the day and just sort of depressed me,on top of that,my monkey mind going a little nuts today. mind wanders to the most bizarre phobias. i also wasn't ideal with my diet,as someone had brought me a tall coca cola,and i drank it all.i also am feeling like a lady of leisure lately,and it's making me feel like i need to do more. on one hand,i have the desires,and dreams but do feel blockages and sort of mentally disorganized a little.i should also be using my circumstances i've been given to think more about what to do,and take actions. so many others seem to do so much in their day to day lives compared to me,and then i feel like i do so little,which makes me feel like crap.i guess i do feel a bit stuck in some areas of life.
-i was offered a job today from one of things i used to do,which was nice,actually even though i quit doing those because too much b.s and not enough pay,i'd still possibly consider doing one if i was offered. i'm just not going to go out of my way for it anymore. couldn't do this one because i was out of town. the other thing i realized,is because of the circumstances i've been given,i can focus on only taking the most top of the tier of those kind of jobs,and from that focus by not even bothering with the other ones,maybe i'll actually get them. i've seen this advice before,with career things,so who knows maybe by not having the worry i used to have about medium-range of those jobs,i'll attract higher end ones.
-actually kind of appreciating things with E as they are right now. it sounds nuts,but somehow it feels like it's supposed to be this way,and like deep,deep down inside back in march,i knew this,that we'd not see each other for awhile. it's so freaking weird to me how if you really pay attention,you kind of know.i also realize i kind of like the telepathic unspoken going on right now,and feel like that is sort of sorting itself out,right now..from moments of being annoyed to him,to others of wondering what he'd think of something,to sort of sweet almost swoon-y moments thinking of him. he's actually in my mind less,but he is there,and one thing i've realized since the lunar eclipse E epiphanies is that,he had been in my mind a whole lot more then i had realized ever since me and him met. Weird. We must telepathically chat quite a bit. Lol. But,yeah,i realize i'm really afraid of losing him,and so if i can space out when we next see each other,it's better because then it keeps things from going too intense leading to the typical thing of something happening,and then it ending,and boom,gone. Maybe he'd be different. One sweet thing he said that night we kissed is he'd never do what B did,and i believed him,it's not his energy,his way to do that. It's funny i don't even really know him that well,yet fear losing him,but i think it's also partially that he gives me an attachment to something from the past,a time frame,and it'd be sad to lose that. He is in a sense,like my female friend A,who i kicked out of my life the same year me and him met. It's like he filled her void. They are similar in some ways,and i felt with her like i never really was close to her,even though we hung out,and stuff,it was odd. There's just some people i feel close to,and get close to and others,not so much. I still find it so weird,how all i need to do is get in the right frame of mind,and as long as i'm not ocd biased on something i can have answers super quick. i'm pretty claircognizant. it's only areas of trauma or grief,i can't use that trick for,yet.
-how thin and sculpted my stomach looked today
-my best friend and how amazing he is
-vinyasa yoga
-how sculpted my back is getting
-how curvy,round and shapely my backside is,and how much tighter it is getting
-people with clean,kind,and high vibration energy
-my energy becoming more clean,more kind,and more high vibration
-this forum,and being able to do my gratitude list on here. besides,reminding myself what has gone good for the day,and what i can focus on that is good,down to the little things,it's a nice chance to reflect on things a smidge,too
-the nightskies
-getting new instagram pic posted today and getting a lot of comments,and likes,and doing a seo boost right after since it's a high end pic and if certain people happened to see it,i'd want it to look really good
-peaceful sounds of the outside at night.
-realizing me and A,my ex,can take more pics this weeknd,since i don't really have many,and not a single one of us together i actually like. i've also learned,too,to not fuss about perfect pics with ones you adore,since,amazingly,we tend to miss pics of the best things,sometimes,and in pics,with life,pics only show fragments,and maybe it's better that way anyways. in the old days,people used to have like one pic of someone and they'd love it and look at it all the time,and it was precious. as many pics as i had thought i'd taken of my fur angel throughout the years,i now find myself sad,feeling like what happened,i feel i not took many at all,i wish i had taken so many more,but maybe that's grief and just a natural feeling. also,the good thing is,with creativity and technology,cool things can be created anyways,and you can find a way that is authentic to express to you,and your story knowing that even the imperfections,mistakes,losses,and so on,are part of the unique life painting that is your story and beautiful.
-all the inspiration lately. just watching this vegan yogi in l.a's youtube channel has really inspired me too. she's much older then me and looks amazing for her age,it inspires me to better myself,and how we really can look younger,for longer. luckily,i already do a lot of things that keep me looking young for my age,but i do see more i can do,for example stressing less.
-how hard my nails feel
-how i've basically managed to up my grams of protein per day to approximately 50 where it's now really easy to do,natural,and doesn't take much effort. just 3 months or so ago,i found it a little more of an effort,so i'm happy for that little that's changed. i'm also sure my body has been tighter because of that. and,i can now drop the protein waters and see what happens since i think i've got a handle on how i can easily reach my goals without that junk.
-my lips becoming poutier looking and jaw changing i think for the better from facial exercises.i seem to be re-aligning so that is nice
-my beautiful apartment. it actually is really beautiful.i gushed over it back when i first moved here,and it actually is a really nice place. it would've been so nice if my loved one who had left this physical reality before i moved could have made it here with me.
-metaphysical ponderings about sleep,dreams,physical reality,parallel realities,death and the connection between all those things.more,and more when i go to sleep and awake,that is on my mind. one recent thought was,what if every time i wake up,it's another version of me dying? and,what if death really will be like just waking up from sleep? and,even that,subtle,too not just this intense feeling like society makes it believe,but really subtle like awakening? that might be nicer actually. what if death isn't this big scary change feeling but instead is just entering another reality like a parallel reality,where you barely feel a difference? as i've been saying i believe,that there is no death,maybe that is true even more literally then i had thought,maybe it's like going to sleep and waking up and you don't even really notice a difference? and,then the other night,in quiet time,my imagination was overflowing and i imagined myself having a near death experience(for some reason i was in a princess costume during)and i had died basically and my beautiful lost loved one appeared,and i was so happy to see her,it was such ecstacy,and a dream come true that i lost track of time,time became nontime,as i experienced bliss unlike any i ever have,and my so happy i could cry,and euphoria that just is indecscriable,that time just disappeared and then she answered questions for me about things about why death happens and she said,death is just a change,comparing it to relationships that are romantic and how those end to teach us detachment and prepare us for bigger deaths and that,that kind of heartbreak is like a little death,and mastering detachment is mastering change,and mastering the fear of death,because change is constant and going with the flow is vital. and she said the reason why death happens,and she died,is because on some level,we DO want it,because we then get to experience the joy of reuniting and walking back to the reunion,and to just think about how joyful i felt when i seen her,and that did i know a whole hour had passed while my heart chakra rose out of my body with bliss,as tears sprung from my eyes. without death,and the pain of that,we don't get the joy of the reunion,and so that's why we create those darker things. it made so much sense. the joy of reuniting with a lost lover,is always such a good feeling,but imagine the feeling of reuniting with a lost loved one? how intense that is? i can kind of see some truth to the law of polarity and how it's needed with the law of attraction. and how it sort of creates desire,or creates with it. i prefer the abraham term of contrast actually because they explain it in a way that makes more sense to me but this is profound. contrast creates desire. so many,thoughts,but i'm going on and not sure they're all making sense. this list has taken longer then intended

[buttercup]

-water
-detoxing.
-body flaws disappearing. all it takes is a few days sometimes,and i'll notice body flaws drastically reduced based on what i've been doing. still observing what it is that does that exactly,since it can literally transform so quick. so far,body tightening workouts that are consistent and drinking a TON of water,seem to be the magic trick. like,not just 3 liters,but 4-5. this seems to be the magic number for me. even not getting in my usual water yesterday,and drinking all that soda,and today i still have the transformation,because one off day isn't going to make a huge difference and is showing efforts from days before. so,i'm going to continue to aim for 4-5 a day now,because i cannot for the life of me figure out what else could have changed in the last week or so,besides slight diet clean up,but it was so slight.
-stomach being nice and flat
-how tight my body is and sculpted. back is super sculpted and has a line down the middle of it,and venus dimples,backside is tighter and nice shaped,legs are sculpted,and body flaws just drastically reduced. my shoulders feel stronger and my back feels amazing,strong,and open.
-using tonight to get back on track with meditating since i have the time,so may as well. today,i had itchy eyes and stress in my vibration from work things,so am looking forward to clearing some energy and raising my vibration which is perfect timing so i can be really open and high vibe right before trip.
-more reflections on E.i feel this is just things getting sorted out,internally and on unspoken realm..like the aligning. i just again had intense sexual thoughts about him,idk why but with him he is one of those that i get very very strong sexual feelings towards,which makes me think the sexual tension all the times we hung out must've been some very very repressed energy,or something,i am not sure,or maybe i'm just having the energy from him all this time being sent to me now.i have no idea. sexual energy is an interesting thing i'm still observing and learning. then on and off i've been reflecting with new eyes,that geez is our friendship really over? are we really never going to hang out like we did last year? it just hit me like intuition and made me sad because logically,it's been a really long time since we seen each other. last year was a certain so often,and this year there has been much more spaces. it's like last july really changed things,whatever the heck exactly happened last july.i was wondering about,that too since that was really when we first stopped speaking. i feel intutitively yes,we will see each other again,our friendship is not over. there is still a lot to come with me and him. that is what i feel. it's just a mystery exactly what's next or what will play out and it does make me sad because logically,i can't see how we will ever be the same as friends because how you can go from hanging out ever certain so often,to such gaps,to being integrated again,like how it was. i just can't logically see it,and it makes me sad,because now i miss that.i always take things for granted,but i had not wanted him gone forever,i just needed a break last summer. he never gave up on me,though completely,he still invited me out in fall once,and then his thing in winter,but still. so much doesn't make sense too.all i can think is he must like me a lot more then i realized because of his behaviors of certain things compared to others,like why does he seem so much harsher to me like i'm so much less important,and less great? it hurts me. so either,i am someone he doesn't like as much but just likes me for looks and so tolerates me in doses but then gets fed up with me or he likes me a lot,a lot,like love and so gets more hurt by me and treats me harsher. one thing for sure,is i want answers so i'm setting the intention that whatever happens,i get more answers when things manifest not just things happening. all i know at this point,is that E has liked me this whole time. from his behaviors,i know he thinks a lot more then i realize,and is very indirect,and plays games. realizing how he had nerve to contact B while we dated when he never does,and actually observes things a lot more then irealize. maybe he is in love with me. he sure does swing back to seemed annoyed by me and seeming sweet on me throughout the friendship.i'm just hurt. how did things become such a mess? i had thought i had a friend and now look where things are. months of not speaking last summer and fall to craziness of me meeting b then him kissing me and now here we are again,almost two months since we seen each other,which isn't super long,but it's getting there. i'm not even super annoyed by the time,since from an loa point of view,i can see why it's happening and that i wanted to focus on me for awhile and my goals but it's the what am i,where do i really fit part of it,which is stupid since E being the sweet one he is i think doing this on purpose said early in the night the night we kissed,when we seen our friend A that he hadn't seen him in four months(the same amount of time it had been before me and E had seen each other once i had been to his party in Dec after that time gap of us not hanging out,so i know E is one of those types to go awhile without seeing certain people,i think it just bothers me because in the past when i go from hanging out with someone and then it lessens,it only tends to lessen more and more until i only see them once in a rare while,but life can change at any moment,can't expect all patterns to always stick.i think it just used to be i hung out with E,and he's a friend and i'm hanging out. but then it lessened,and i had some feelings on that,but was like well i've been busy,it was my fault,and E and i are friends but not like super close friends,and now i'm like what am ireally? was i just a hot girl he invited out because of my looks and someone he was pursuing. did all his friends know this? i don't think they all did,but still,it's just very bizarre. i can see now times,where he did things to get back at me. and some freaky things where it's like i changed realities,from how perceptions changed,that's how eerie it all is. maybe he is one of those guys who when he sees a girl with a new guy,he goes crazier and goes for her more,too,who knows.i clearly want more answers. meh. hopefully,in may i get them.
-friend from the past K contacting me to hang out
-nice warm showers
-clean towels
-lavender oil.love this so much
-my best friend and how amazing it is
-looking forward to my plans tomorrow. it'll be good to do something social actually. it's been so long,i've been such a damn hermit because of various going ons.
-ideas
-my creativity
-that i don't have my time of the month yet. hoping to not get it until at least sunday. think i should pull it off.
-my eyeglasses
-the peaceful sounds of the outside,cars driving by,etc
-how beautiful the sky is at night
-veganism
-realizing that where i'm at now,i actually would want a guy to be on the path of a plant based diet,if not on one,and that if he wasn't,i probably would try to encourage it. back last summer,i thought for sure,i could care less and would date a meat eater,and still would but now i've found that 1.)D was the first guy while a vegan that i was talking to romantically and found myself trying to convert him a little to at least be a vegetarian. idk why,and it just came natural. 2.)i already been converting my best friend,and others since last summer. 3.) i've found guys actually are without me even attempting to do anything very accepting of my diet,and even suggesting things to me,like how B suggested vegan sushi place for a date. so,basically,i really believe veganism is the future,and animal products are gross so naturally,i probably will be nitpicky about diet in a guy. i already been thinking about my ex i'm seeing this weekend and how much meat he eats,and how i'd like him to change his diet and i think,possibly,E may be a vegetarian..not sure,just a feeling i get.
-how much more peaceful the apartment feels when the door is open
-cleaning the bathroom last night,and the whoa amount of cleared energy i felt instantly once i cleaned the mirror. i must be really in tune with energy because that was quick that i just felt more clarity. it fascinated me.
-feeling better about the coffee spill from yesterday
-apartment possibilities that are exciting for when i move. it's looking more and more like a tiny studio in a trendy neighborhood may be what's next. i'm excited for that experience.i think it'd be kind of fun to have a tiny apartment for awhile.
-clarity
-innovation
-my style transformation. shopping at new types of boutiques to add different energy and style to me and transform more.
-tea tree oil. like this so much more for healing blemishes,it's natural,and doesn't test on animals!

[buttercup]

-going out last night. it was JUST what i needed to make me feel moved forward and i think what had been causing me to feel so crazy with my thoughts lately is just how cooped up i've been.
-how amazingly me and my ex A were REALLY in sync with each other in alignment. It was crazy. For the first time since we have broken up and i'd moved on,i could actually picture myself possibly in a relationship with him.We were even naturally mimicing each other's movements. He's so mature and non sexist and really appreciates how humble i am and was suggesting all these things he wants us to do,like take me to dinner,and brunch,and meeting his friends and he had said he wants a relationship with someone like me saying someone who's seen him change over the last years and that he's seen me change,implying me since we had mentioned that how we've seen each other change throughout the years and talked about it. he even said who knows maybe we'll end up together. and he talked about an ex of his,that everyone says is perfect for him,and that loves him,but he just doesn't feel it for her,which was very interesting to me. We were very very in sync with each other's values about things we talked about,and him understanding me,and me understanding him,in a way unlike the previous times we've gotten together after splitting.i really really credit this to the loving myself things i've been doing.i like that's he's a provider type,and always pays for all things,and even says he does that for all his people,and that he drove me home in the morning,and that there was no weird,and is never any weird will i be expected to chip in crap.he had also said something along the lines implying he likes that i'm not a type of girl to try and use a guy for money,and i think that makes him want to take me out even more when i'd suggest coffee sometime,he'd say brunch,and say he wants to take me to dinner,and ask if i'm hungry,etc,etc. he also said if we were serious with each other,he'd consider going vegetarian which is something i like now in a guy i've realized in the last months,so that was very nice. he also was very physically attractive to me,and for the first time,didn't really annoy me that much,we were just very in sync,it was quite interesting. he just seemed more..different,idk how or what.i want to say more genuine,maybe? he also was very respectful of my morals and was ok if we didn't have sex. he seemed more to just want me there to hold. i like also how he held me when we walked out of his apartment around the stomach and then holding my arm old fashioned style as we walked to his car. it went pretty nice,a few awkwardnesses that i want to improve on about certain things on my end,but he just seemed changed,i think maybe the inner work i've been doing too,it's like we've evolved to align up to each other.it's quite cool.
-that he tagged me on facebook that we were out.idk why he did,he did it on his own,but i like that he did. it seems like a couple-y thing to do,kind of,though. maybe he is trying to show something to people,idk.
-this girl tagging me that i'm hawaii at a resort with her the other day.idk why she did that,maybe she is just thinking of me,but it made me giggle.
-realizing some of the flaws i'm insecure about are actually stretch marks which is another issue entirely,so that's good to know so i can think differently and realizing one issue is less then i thought
-buying vitamin e vitamins today. it's one vitamin i've been looking to work on getting more of so happy about that
-masculine guys who aren't sexist,respect your morals,provide for you,and don't go icked out by sex during that time of the month.
-getting more makeup today and beauty products. didn't find ideal product i wanted,but some others that i am hoping will suffice.
-getting groceries today
-getting an out coffee today.
-getting a soda in the morning when i got home down the block from me. so needed after a night of cocktails,always.
-uber. so much better then cabs.so much cheaper,too. so glad to start using uber more to get to things. way convenient.
-music
-fun
-empathy
-cute,and happy things
-my eyes,and how large and wide they are
-all the upcoming business trip offers coming in still
-my backside being very curvy and round which i know is very sexy
-my strength. it's one of the things my ex A really admires about me is how strong i am,and how much more confident i've become. he loves how much more i look in his eyes now compared to before when we were a couple years ago,i was much shyer.i feel very sexy being complimented on my inner beauty qualities
-the nice long nap i took today.
-the beautiful springtime feel today. how fresh the air feels. how vivid the candy apple green the leaves on trees were today. and then the nice refreshing rain that occured. a beautiful spring day.
-seeing so much how i live such a "healthy" lifestyle compared to the average person. like,this ex smokes,drinks a lot,works with oil fumes,eats a lot of meat,etc,etc and here i am the girl who meditates everyday,does yoga everyday,is on a plant based diet,doesn't smoke,only drinks socially,etc,etc.
-beauty
-forgiveness
-being a woman
-that my ex A is still in my life
-reflection
-that i can meditate tonight
-awesome creations

[buttercup]

-new hair clip i bought which keeps more hair out of my face because it's bigger
-coffee
-water
-my vitamins
-sweaters
-sleeping kind of nice last night
-new interests i want to explore;right now i'm interested in exploring acro yoga
-my favorite incense
-getting some emails done;feels so good accomplishing things put off. really clears energy to do so!
-nourishment
-meditation and how just a little of the right meditation really is healing
-the white shadow pencil i bought for highlighting which i LOVE. i tried it out last night and it works amazing. it really made me look more awake and younger. so glad i bought it.
-that A seems to love me,and i get the feeling thinks of me as the one who got away and wants to marry me someday. he is so intense,though that sometimes i just need to back off. he is so serious oriented.i feel he'd want to have kids with me.i do feel close to him,though,i want to tell him that. being a soul connection,though,every time he comes back around,he has me checking with myself on internal things i need to change and move forward to. i've almost come to expect it and it scares the heck out of me what that means. after all these years,we are still in each other's lives,and every time we see each other,even if it's not always pleasant,he stirs something in me that causes me to realize i need to change something in my life. it scares me that what if one day,after a certain point,he is right,and we DO end up getting married. and that,on some soul level,he just knows i'm not ready yet and have these changes to make. he drives me crazy. what if we weren't just some intense crazy love story back then that was young and passionate but meant to be short lived but in fact meant for much more? i do believe he really was in love with me back then. but,he also falls in love a lot,i feel. then again,so do i. i do think he wishes he could give me more,but because we were so short lived back then,never got a chance to. i've also wondered if he is waiting for me,and that is why he seems to not get married or often go official with relationships since we first reconciled in 2010. and,maybe that's why he was getting antsy and kept calling me this month. maybe he feels he is getting older,and with things going on with the other ex of his he said he doesn't feel it for,it's reminding him of me and wanting to get married soon,since he had mentioned how his friends keep saying things about marriage to him. it's just overwhelming to me.i had thought i wanted something more serious now,and long term,but with him coming in the picture now,i feel like i want to pace things in my life.he has said very meaningful things. he is one person who always triggers big changes so it scares me. in 2009,he triggered big life changes. and thinking of him in long term ways,always makes things feel final which scares me,as it seems so gloomy.i don't know what's meant to happen,i started to catch on last year after we met up,that he's definitely a soul mate alright that i knew,since he drives me crazy,and triggers things in me,yet feels like home to me,too.i'm just not sure if he is meant to be someone who pops in time to time,and we catch up,triggers things,and then go our separate ways,or are we going to have something happen one day? like marriage. it does have the perfect set up,for us to end up becoming married one day. two people,the young good girl,and the rebellious bad boy have intense,crazy in love,but very short lived relationship,split up in awful way,reconcile and every year or so meet up just to one day end up married. it's a perfect flow,in a way. in 2010,our first time meeting up,was at a coffee shop. i was still awkward,and there was shyness on both parts,and i didn't feel it as much,and it felt more like a,it was good to manifest this,and good to see each other again,just to see each other. it seemed to mean more to him at the time,which makes sense since i was the one who was a lot more heartbroken and in tears when we ended,and so by the time i healed,i was moved on. over time,i was still young and starting to go out a lot,and i just wasn't as into him,he seemed to not be caring enough or fun enough,and then we meet in 2012 again. This time,it was more romantic. I was more confident,and grown into myself,but a little egotistical,and he was a little playerish,still.We had both both vibed more,but i was still immature somewhat,and he was still coming off to me,somewhat fake and i felt distrust still of him not seeming very caring of a person. We had sex this night,and it felt like i was going back in time,manifesting something i had intended back in my heartbreak when we ended things with each other in 2009. I felt closer to him,and him to me,him even saying things about if i ever got pregnant,and it seemed like he possibly tried to make me pregnant with where he finished. He then seemed to be playing games with me,as if testing me,and i just wasn't feeling it,and i also didn't trust him about things which i did speak about a little just so he'd know and eventually we distanced,and he ended up in a relationship. then,it's 2014. by now,i've matured more,and had more grown up things happen by now. we meet up on valentine's day and by now i'm a little more almost in a bitter phase of my life. This time,when we met up,he annoyed me at times,and he seemed a bit bitter himself,actually which is kind of interesting in hindsight to see that we were more similar then i realized. he had just come out of a relationship and was talking about how disappearing is just what he does,and how someday he wants to end up on the west coast,and it just made me so mad on the inside,that,and various things,but what's funny is i had talked too about wanting to move up on the west coast. We tried to have sex,and he was more agressive,which actually put me off,the older me would've found it a turn on,and we ended up not having sex,but he wasn't mad,and we was very loving to me,and he said it would'nt be a year or so next time we see each other when i said it would,but then i had the hardest year of my life,but..the funny thing is,ever since 2012 when i had spoken about some of the things with him that bothered me,he actually was more there for me and so in 2014,i was surprised to see with things the things that hurt me the most in life,he actually cared but then a few months later,he tried to make plans with me,i was in too much pain and said i'm not ready yet,and he started ignoring me. i think he had wanted to give me a necklace when i said i'm not ready. i hadn't known this but after i said that to him,i looked at his facebook,and he posted a picture saying he wanted to give this necklace to someone and then few hours later was when he had messaged me to see me. finally,i picked up the pieces of my life after a hard year,and then the beginning of this year,felt it's been about a year so i contacted him to hang out when i was hurt from a breakup. we had been on and off talking and trying to get together since i contacted him and well now we are here with us having gotten together last saturday. so,things unfolding as they should. it's weird,indeed and i don't think when he first contacted me in 2008,and we became a couple in 2009,that either of us expected it to go like this,or for us to still be in each other's lives this many years later. he is one of those people in life i am very grateful to have met. he remembers things about me,like a most important work contact i love,and other things,and has said last saturday,he's been keeping his eye on me all these years.have no idea what that means.i would like to change the pattern of things,just to prove to myself i can,since one of my worries these days with manifesting is that things with people go in patterns and it sucks so i'm going to try and see if we can meet up again this spring.i really like that i feel he can provide for me,and that he gets me in a lot of ways.
-all the new instagram followers
-that business trip is almost freaking here. so nervous.
-lemon tea. wow. so good,and so healing. so happy to work with this tea for the rest of the month. a great solar plexus tea. as soon as i tried it,i was impressed with how great it tasted.
-uber
-great success tips
-feeling motivated

[buttercup]

-a nice double scoop of vegan protein drink for dinner so i can get my protein for the day in easily without having to worry about it,and also since i feel i went a little lower the last few days
-orange extract which i add in to my protein drinks which makes them taste so sweet
-deciding to start breaking my vitamin e capsules and use them externally as well and see how that goes
-being honest with myself that i'm really feeling like i'm drifting still,and feeling stuck,more-so in a career sense,and don't really know what to do,and that there's a lot of little things i'd like to change but don't know how yet.i think that i'm still slacking on good meditating is also causing this.i'm still overthinking,and indecisive about little things,as well as feeling a lack of purpose and direction somewhat. maybe not purpose,but direction i what i mean. maybe i'm just waiting for business trip to be over before i start making more changes,but i don't like that as an excuse neccessarily,but yet i can't help but feel like it's an important thing to me for this year and that it needs to get done,before i can see what's next.
-how shiny and great my hair feels
-deciding to go ahead and message my ex A on facebook telling him something and sending him music i mentioned to him before. it made me feel better doing so. i must admit,maybe it's just because we had sex,or maybe we just are really in alignment with each other right now,but i feel it'd be really enjoyable to spend more time with him. he is sexy,mature,non judgemental,positive,and a provider,masculine,and has changed a lot it seems. plus,there's a closeness there. his words really have made me wonder if we'd end up together. i haven't thought such a thing in so long,though. ever since we first reconciled,i just figured we'd be in each other's lives,and keep in touch but that's it,but then time and again,i manifest more things that my heartbroken self wished upon during meditation way back years ago when we split up,and my heart just KNEW we'd see each other again one day. and then,we did.i manifested seeing him again. i then manifested us back with each other,having had sex,and now with us for the first time,pretty much talking about dating again. these are all things,i feel i probably wished for back then,that have come about.i feel,and have felt for awhile,that he sees me as the one who got away(even though he abandoned me,lol) and the one he'd like to end up with,marry or have a kid with. idk why. idk what makes me different.i don't have some of the interests he loves.i can see why he'd like me,want to date me,and so on,but not sure what makes me someone he'd want to end up with. it makes me feel even more what we had in 09 was very much real and special to him. we were so different then,so much younger. for the first time since we dated,i feel more of a paternal vibe from him,too. but also,for the first time,at least since we dated,if not ever,i feel the smoke and mirrors was off,like there was just something more real and mature being shown,whereas other times we reconnected,it seemed he tried to cover up more,and had more perhaps uncertainties of how to be,whereas last saturday,he felt more like he knew me,and how to be.it was the first time since we dated,i felt a strong sense of control from him,authenticity,and possessiveness,whereas before,he seemed more blocked. somehow we just really really seem on the same page,it is so weird.i don't even think we were this much on the same page when we dated,but maybe we were
-getting the suitcase in the living room. makes me feel good having it in there,since my goal is to be packed a few days before leaving so i can try and sleep the night before since i don't usually
-going tanning today
-the beautiful,peace sounds of outside. so soothing.
-makeup. got my package last night,and it was in pretty lace bag and they gave me a free full size eyeliner in my favorite color. so excited to try it. it's a color i'd actually be drawn to buy anyways. so excited to order direct from this company again.
-savasana pose. did a five minute meditation on the floor in that pose and i am making that my meditation method of the moment. for me,mixing it up is essential and so i'm going to keep meditating in that pose for a bit.i find it very opening and great for clarity.
-water and how tasty it is
-banana fruit spread on cinnamon french toast sticks. so good.
-how over B i am and have been and seeing how far i've come since then.i see pics of him now online,and think i can do much better,which is mean,but an essential part of healing with these kinds of things,i think. also,am reminded of how nice it is spending time with my ex A,who is a little older,and tougher. Funny,both him and my first boyfriend are guys who would easily win in a fight against any of these guys nowadays. It seems the guys i end up official with are guys who are very capable and physically strong,and caretaker types. B was one guy i was close to that with,though,and actually the guy who was 3rd most able to win in a fight against any guy so for some reason guys i end up actually official with or very close to it,are that type. The provider,protective type that won't get in a fight,but they are keeping their eyes peeled for danger,and could get in a fight,and win in a fight,and intimidate other guys.
-how hard my nails are
-inspirations. from the daughter of kurt cobain and courtney love and the 90's and middle eastern influences,these are some things i'm really inspired by
-chakra healing music. while organizing more files,i listened to heart all the way up to crown solfeggios. these do such an amazing job of clearing energy and raising my vibration for me. my mind almost always gets quieter from the vibration raising,too. from heart chakra,where i get a little emotional at times from that,to throat where my mind gets a little more quieter and positive,to third eye and crown where mind just literally becomes clarified,it is so nice.
-music
-my style
-positive articles online that change your perspective,for example on embracing that time of the month,and why which is something i've been starting to feel more lately. we are taught to HATE so many things,and fear them,like monthly cycles,and death,when if we opened our eyes and changed our perceptions,we can see them in much more positive ways.
-my lemon ginger tea. so good.
-reflection
-going to sleep a little earlier last night,though it didn't seem to make a difference in how tired i was waking up
-great quotes and reflections from others,including famous people,that show others think and believe certain things that are much deeper then this physical reality
-relaxing about imperfection and how much more i had wanted to cover in last letter for project 21

[buttercup]

-coffee
-water
-mysteriously feeling the urge to wake up at a certain time just to see notifications on my phone that my ex A posted a picture of me on two social medias,he even found me on instagram,i didn't even see what it said,as i quickly felt self conscious about my appearance and how i looked physically so asked him to remove and said we can take better ones next time. now,part of me wishes i had seen what he captioned the pics and gotten a better look at how i looked before panicing as i often do about pic tags from my bdd.i appreciate being thought of though and that he wants to show me off. he seems to be acting very possessive and like he wants a relationship with me. for awhile after the pic,i felt so insecure about myself drifting back to sleep wondering how attractive am i really,and maybe i'm not that pretty. it made me feel very down.
-acknowledging that i feel very direction-less about my life. and that it's making me apathetic and like i'm just drifting in a career sense. i had so much more motivation before but ever since march or so, ifeel displeased about certain life things and very stuck. seeing my ex A did trigger more of it,too.i also feel lazy,but like i just need to do my business trip,then come back and see what happens with giving my life some direction. on top of that,having not spoken to E after in over a month,even though my higher self didn't want to see him,i do feel kind of..frustrated by it. all i want to do is have trip be amazing,come back and see ex A again,have my life get direction,and also see E. i'm so down that i feel fears about trip,and worries it won't bring me the soul changes i desire.
-savasana pose in yoga for meditating
-yoga
-getting my workouts done last night
-cleaning the living room
-getting to bed slightly earlier,though it's not seemed to make a difference in waking up earlier. also falling asleep with more ease,which is very nice and sleeping better. maybe that's the vitamin e helping with that.
-roommate stopping by on break
-new things to integrate and try
-feeling feelings for ex A again.i keep thinking he is really sexy lately,and how good of a provider he is
-how wise i actually can be.i re-read some old blogs,and am like damn,i'm so smart.
-that ex A loves me,even if he doesn't remember it/know it. he did actually say it afterall back when we dated in 2009,but has yet to say it since we reconciled.
-manifesting desires.i can't help but be inspired by it. ex A as a huge desire many years ago that iwanted back. the classic manifesting the ex back story. it includes the downsides and the magic of it. downsides being,yes it took some time,though in hindsight,not really that long,and when he came back,i was moved on,and not really feeling it,quite the same. but,now years later,he is still in my life,and there's still something,and still things unraveling so i'd encourage anyone to manifest their exes back. the magic of it is,the beauty of having a dream come true and how surreal it is,and how much it strengthens a bond,and that in my experience,once you do the work,they never let you go,and you never need to do the work again,there's always a strong something there where they always think of you. i've seen this true in several people,years later,from doing just a small amount of work to bigger desires,and it's always been this way,that they just always will think of you,even years later,like this mysterious strong connection. some say you shouldn't manifest things with people,but i disagree,and old books on law of attraction would,too. using loa with people is one of the most fun ways to practice,because seeing it unfold with people desires is one of the most magical ways of seeing the loa at work.
-how writing this list is actually boosting my mood out of apathy and boredom and making me realize i'm just not trying hard enough and that life if magical,and i just need to make some more efforts to manifest my desires instead of feeling stuck on what i want.i do see how and why i've been stuck though
-tights to keep my legs warm
-that i'll start packing tonight a little bit

[buttercup]

oh,man what an emotional day.i feel so intense,that i feel like i'm crazy. idk why my emotions are so intense today,it's like pms-intense except i'm not pmsing.i feel soooo stuck,and my mind has been in overedrive and ive been apathetic and unmotivated and just aimless. the good sides is i've had short bursts of motivated moments today,particularly after meditating in savasana pose.gloomy,cold weather and i should be excited trip is around the corner but i'm just a wreck. so frustrated and stressed.even my body feels off too like my chest feels slightly tighter,and stomach not feeling as well
-savasana yoga pose for meditating. did it three times today and it has helped me. the last time led me to realize one clutter that's caused me to feel off,and it's stupid but i know it's true,my higher self said so,but i've been using two computers for the past few weeks since the sound randomly stops after a few moments on mine,and i even did letter for project during this time period which took me forever to do,and i obsessed over,and felt not pleased with,so i think it's because of this clutter! i use a computer quite a bit so having to use two has made me feel like not quite myself,it's just cluttering! so,at the least i acknowledged i need to get that fixed.i also decided to try and just use one for the rest of the day when i use it,and use mine,and that i can press pause for a few seconds when it stops and then play and it'll work which is annoying but less annoying then using two perhaps,and also using just mine,feels better,too.
-the masculine men in my life
-forgiveness
-dreaming of E this morning.idk why,i just dreamt he contacted me. maybe it was psychic,idk,but as far as i know he's disappeared.i'm sure i'll see him again but i'm a little disappointed by his behavior. he was also on my mind sexually before that,though.
-my love for my ex A. i actually been thinking about marriage a lot lately. he's so freaking intense,it drives me crazy. he's always been like that,though.i love him.i love how non-judgemental he has always been,there's a lot of hurt there between us,too though but seeing him is like coming home. and,also am i going to get married soon,are things i wonder now. he planted a lot of seeds in my head. he could provide for me in a lot of ways.
-my thoughts before bed about my ex A and ways to clarify my path a bit and seeing how some things maybe would be more work-able then i thought and not so hard. then again it was the middle of the night when i had those thoughts,and my thoughts are always more out there then until day time when they calm more so who knows
-deciding to be easy on myself tonight. my thoughts have been so intense,and volatile that it might be easier,though it feels lazy to be gentle on myself and just focus on calming and quieting.
-feeling better already,though still emotional,by just using only my computer,and having insights that i've felt stuck all these past weeks,but that i have little sparks of clarity and ideas coming and motivation,and that i think when i'm back from out of town is when the big changes will come and this last weeks has just been the build up of that.i just get so frustrated by life sometimes.
-tights to keep my legs warm. it's so cold the last few days. feels like winter.
-packing a little more.
-understanding things now that i didn't understand before
-best friend and how amazing he is
-peaceful sounds of the outside at night
-seeing that anyone's life can change at any moment
-nourishing food
-vitamins
-relaxing and not trying to do a bunch of things at once,but instead observing and allowing things to integrate
-how hard my nails feel
-coffee and how soothing it is
-lemon tea
-things that are funny and people with a sense of humor;laughing
-beautiful,soothing,animal videos and animal videos that change how people look at animals
-calmness and that my mind feels quieter,and my energy a little more clear already
-beautiful music
-that i'm more extraordinary then i realize
-how much my spiritual views have expanded since this time last year
-feeling my feelings,even if tonight has been especially ungrounded.i love her,i love her,i love her so much.
-acknowledging the little things to fix to make oneself feel better.
-my higher self. my higher self always soothes me,comforts me,and gives me the answers
-that my lips are getting bigger
-vegan chocolate and how relaxing and stress releasing it is

[buttercup]

-feeling in a much better mood today
-figuring out how to use my computer with sound and so no more using two computers when i go online which has brought me much more clarity and peace
-getting an out coffee today and pastry today. coffee was so good and perked up my mood more
-feeling loved
-love
-romance
-feeling much more calm about trip coming up and direction of life
-getting to do my quantum healing meditations which manage my ocd last night. makes such a huge difference.i need to do these regularly.
-seeing ideas to bring me more peace,filling in holes of where i go wrong
-loving myself by allowing myself to feel sexy by buying sexy things.
-alternative,holistic,and self healing since i do not believe in doctors
-sportsbras. used to think i'd hate them and they'd make me look masculine but somehow i was so wrong and they make me look so feminine and great,and support my chest so much better
-pops of color
-listening to music when i woke up today,which put me in a good mood
-balancing my root chakra with chakra healing music which made my mood better,too and made a huge difference. i had the time i may as well.
-savasana yoga pose for meditating
-taking a day off from working out last night to just chill
-scalp massages and how tension releasing they are
-face massage and face yoga. also very tension releasing
-beauty,and inspiring beauty icons/beauty idols that have a unique striking beauty
-being inspired to really take it far with my first career and that,that's where i want to go when i come back and that jan/feb was the preview of what's to come,but my trip is the kick off of things taking off
-feeling more content/at peace with things having to do with writing
-feeling more confident overall
-beauty
-body oil gels;they moisturize my body best
-lemon tea. so yummy
-email from K right ten seconds after i thought of her,so weird.
-deciding for sure to cancel one job that is right when i come back from trip.
-what i do for a living
-being smart
-being a nonconformist
-being love and having loved fur angel so much and fighting for her until the last moment and loving her in the best way i knew how
-figuring out that maybe what ex A likes about me that makes me different from other girls to him is my child-like side.i think he likes how childish i am and i am child-like in a way that is very different and stand out from other girls. he's been with feminine girls and girls with glamour in their life,which i have,too but i don't think any of them have the child-like ways that i have without even meaning to or knowing when i'm like that.i don't come off "helpless" in a mature,feminine 50's housewife way which is what i'd thought was his dream and what one of his exes he says everyone says he should be with is like that he doesn't feel it for,but i'm "helpless" in a childish,girlish,clumsy sort of way. where some girls exude that grace and submissiveness,i am the type to stumble and have juvenile face expressions,and an innocence that is very rare.
-glamour
-tea tree oil.i think it actually heals breakouts BETTER then benzoyl peroxide and keeps them from coming back. not surprised.

[ctcarr]

I'm grateful for this website and that I finally decided to get back into all this full time. I'm grateful for everyone on this website that I've came in contact with and that i've had a little chat with. You guys are great and I'm seeing my goals become my life even quicker with the help of this website.

Im grateful for this! thank you all

[buttercup]

-a shot of whiskey to relax me
-getting my eyebrows threaded today
-meditation
-forgivneness
-getting come coffee today,and how good it tasted with my cinnamon french toast sticks and banana fruit spread. so tasty and filling,too
-doing shopping today
-picking up a new purple sportsbra. a nice color pop.
-feeling pretty ok about trip and that when i get back new things to start working on,and putting in motion
-laughing at life
-fresh air from the rain
-my style
-my beauty
-my height and chic look when i wear mary-janes
-how i stand out when i'm out and about because of my stand out beauty
-getting my strength training in last night
-makeup
-my best friend and how amazing he is
-realizing everyone lies and to relax about my own imperfections. we always hurt the ones we love. i've been reflecting on that a lot lately. as long as we try to be better,more free,and are honest with ourselves,that is most important
-chakra healing music and listening to sacral and solar plexus musics with thetas last night.it really raised my vibration. for some reason,for me,lower chakras always need more work and cause me to feel more emotional whereas once i shoot up to the higher chakras,i quickly feel clear-minded and it's just easier healing.
-openness
-my spiritual wisdom
-hats
-hoodies
-just allowing myself to reflect,even if it's painful,and trusting that peace will come,and clarity,at the right time.
-instagram likes on my photos
-being feminine
-great quotes on femininity and feminine energy
-staying vegan even though i felt some emotions last night from more detoxing since giving up protein waters which have whey
and just all sorts of questioning myself feelings
-vegetables
-being smart
-my lips becoming more poutier and attractive
-ideas
-becoming more ok with imperfection
-my skin and face looking younger today. perhaps,the vitamin e

[buttercup]

-sportsbras and how great they look on me
-colors
-my style
-bananas and how great of a detox they are,and how easy they are to eat when they are medium sized and ripe. love them.
-realizing why i had the stomach ache today. i've been trying too hard,to go too high in protein which makes no sense for my lifestyle and bodytype after also talking to friend who has ideal body,much more active then me,and he only gets 40-something and i've been aiming for 50. Makes no sense. I even felt i had to get 50 that I ended up having an extra burrito even though nto really hungry yesterday and ended up with a bigger stomach,and a stomach ache. So,my body tight,but bigger. so,definitely going lower protein as i'm all about intuitive eating and diet should feel natural and 50 a day always felt like too much of an effort. So happy to realize this,and as soon as I did,stomach ache went away. Love natural healing and how identifying problems is often enough to make it go away
-going tanning today
-feeling shocked looking in the mirror today at how well-rested and young my face looked. it looked like i had slept perfectly and was extremely well rested despite not sleeping well at all,and feeling very tired. the undereye areas were very white,as if
i had applied makeup. i know this is the vitamin e. i'm amazed. will definitely keep using vitamin e.
-just now noticing music on computer has been playing straight with no problems without using headphones.i think my good mood healing my computer sound problem i have been having! love it.
-the sunshine today. it's so sunny out. it's brightened up my mood and my best friends. we've both been quite cheery and light mood today. it's warmer a little,too. love it.
-deep,full,cleansing breaths and how powerful it is.
-water
-the openness in my body
-cocoa butter moisturizers
-how pretty i am
-how tight my body is getting
-the industries i work in
-how amazing my ex A is,and that i've attracted very good first boyfriends actually that always made me feel very beautiful,and provided for me,and so on
-hoodie sweaters
-coffee,and how soothing it is
-those moments when you acknowledge blockages or when you are trying too hard. love it.
-the work offers i am getting
-all the new instagram likes and followers
-ideas
-deciding before bed that today would be a good day,and thus far it has been
-heart chakra musics and thetas i listened to before bed
-my lips getting more poutier shaped
-having a little direction of where i will with life come may
-mainstream people who believe in natural healing and are against big pharma and actually have empathy,such as dr.john mcdougall. big fan of him. he is my guide,really, for plant based diet.
-being smart
-style
-instagram
-embracing other sides to me more,like my writer side,and all it took was some positive affirmations. i feel it's one of the many things i repressed all these years,and somehow so amazingly,so many things i repress,i end up later embracing. so weird.
-realizing also about earlier item on list,that i prefer,and feel better eating lighter so trying to stuff myself with a bunch of food to be high protein just isn't me.. it's about enough protein. i think after going so low protein,i ended up overdoing it but now i get that medium point
-learning
-how memorable i am
-my power,and how extraordinary i am
-happiness being my "religion."
-minimalism and my desire to minimalize more and more

[ctcarr]

I am grateful for the True Creator and myself and everyone working to be a better person. The more I follow my heart and write about what I wish to know, the more I am beginning to understand that this journey we are on is not short and we are all on it together. I'm starting to see that the Creator is here with us everyday and that if it wasn't for all the people that let the True Creator shine through them, we wouldn't be in the position we are today to become a great civilization that surpasses the laws of nature.

I am grateful for the knowledge that is being shown to me each and everyday.

Thank you

[buttercup]

ugh,so depressed and moody right before i leave,feeling insecure and jealous,and inadequate. :(
-seen that the crush,A, i had that always has seemed like a soul connection despite only meeting twice,technically 3 times,but seeming to be a twin type connection is in the same place i'm going for my trip. he never goes there! it's very,very weird. i'm even afraid of seeing him at the airport now. it's also weird,because i always see things that are very telepathic like we are going through very similar things,and it's very eerie. We are very aligned.i have no idea why this is,we've only even met three times,2 of those times being very serendipitous. i almost want to cut this cord because i feel like a crazy person letting someone i hardly know who isn't all that,though i do admire him,have so much power over me. i also feel like a stupid person for some of the things i've said and done in the past that seem naive,and probably are misinterpreted. it's annoying because i speak too much from the heart and then sometimes later,am like that's now what i meant,exactly. ugh. it's because there's so many ways to interpret things,and it drives my head,with how ocd it is,crazy. if me and him aren't meant to have something in this lifetime,i just want him gone. i mean,after YEARS,we get thrown into an encounter together which i thought meant we'd get a chance and that we were meant to be a couple,but in the hardest year of my life,i messed that up and then i experience all these strong serendipties with him,like he's my twin,and have him do these things like he's trying to say we are meant together by how he messages me after some time after i flake on him,and the weird very strongly moving serendiptious thing he vaguebooked that seemed aimed at me.on one hand,i feel like he's an angel,and he manifests into my life during very high vibration moments but then on the other,maybe i'm crazy and it's all in my head. the only pattern i can see,is very high vibration moments. it's like i need to be very high vibration to get him to manifest. it's odd.i just really don't get his point,but i feel it's a positive purpose and that he likes me deeply but then on the other hand,i feel like a crazy person and it's embarrassing. so,am i grateful for this,seeing him where i'm going? it didn't make me feel good,it made me angry. besides that,i seen my ex A is also out of town same time as me,right before me so that i thought was kind of serendiptous and cool since right after we hang out he left,and now i am leaving and didn't make me mad,but this thing with crush A has more reason to make me mad. it seems everyone is out of town,too which triggers my feelings of wanting to travel more then i do. on top of that,some jobs are having scheduling issues,so have to be re-arranged which has stressed me out and made me insecure.i feel inadequate about me,and my own life.i really do. i also know,i am ready to move forward with life,and am so freaking ready to when iget back because i've been nothing but feeling stressed since march about life,and feeling stuck.i know in my heart,i want to do more of primary career things.there is even one girl i found on ig,who is kind of exactly where i want to go with things that is an inspiration,you could say. i want to go hiking,and organize my life,and do more of my primary career things,and feel reconnected with people. so,there you go,i appreciate getting in touch with these things and for good measure,i appreciate that all of this just affirms more for me that reality is a hologram,a dream,that we create via the law of attraction,and that reality is subjective and that's why such weird as heck things happen.
-quantum healing meditating before bed
-getting call sheet this morning for first job. made me in a good and excited mood. :) thanks to meditating,too for helping with this
-business partner chatting and talking about hanging out
-great fashion photography
-deep cleansing breaths
-cleansing,cleaning,and detoxing
-coffee
-calmness and simplifying
-how damn young my face looks. it's almost shocking to me. vitamin e is really paying off.
-that ifeel very forward moving with tons of ideas on how to move forward,and desires to make manifest and just more direction coming to me.i just need to try and calm my insecurities down and feel motivated.i have noooo idea why my emotions have been more intense lately.
-knowing i can choose my vibration,and my reality,and clean and clear and change my perceptions,which is my reality
-music
-when just doing what i want,with less thinking,makes me feel better,and more clear
-cocoa butter moisturizer and how great it smells
-checking in for flight and getting good seats
-being a rockstar;one of the cool kids. that's what it's all about,just have to hold head high and believe it on the inside.i often radiate that charisma but at times do not and seem like a frazzled person who doesn't know who they are
-breaks
-taking steps to better my life and myself. jumping in even if i fail,so i can learn and be better

[buttercup]

-fun
-beautiful,summery weather once back in town
-feeling completely rejuvenated now that i'm back in town.i am reminded why people who travel a lot are just generally more detached,and free flowing. i feel so moved forward from so many attachments.
-realizing from this trip how freaking too hard i have been trying lately,and how THAT has been what's blocking me. From makeup,to exercise,and work things,and so on,i have been trying too hard internally like i need to try and "perfect" myself before i am adequate to live is basically how i've been and now i finally feel free from that. i've also learned some simplifying things too to some of the things i tried too hard with.
-learning proper makeup technique from a makeup artist that is actually much simpler then what i had been watching and trying on my own and just seeing how simplified makeup is and reminded that with what i do for a living anyways,i don't need to be trying too hard with makeup,but just be myself and have fun and play with things
-amazing makeup techniques that inspire me and make me look amazing
-vegan cupcakes. soo good. and having the best cupcake of my life quite possibly
-places to eat where i traveled. why are the food places there sooooo much better? especially with my diet these days,i prefer the food there much more compared to before when i thought food where i lived reigned supreme
-working with people who were sooo nice and laidback and valued me
-creativity
-getting surprise money after a job. so amazing how the universe takes care of you.
-how amazing the service was at virtually every place i went to while out of town. why are people so much friendlier? it's amazing to me.
-being able to progress myself compared to a few years ago,and do things i didn't do before and see and experience that
-new ways i intend to progress myself now
-joining a new music listening site which makes life more efficient and that so far,i love
-great music
-being able to see business partner and that she offered to pick me up,and meeting her family which was surreal,and the things she gave me along with taking me out for a drink and some food. on top of that,all on her own,as if she knew telepathically she suggested a new game plan for our business which is perfect,and somehow knew i feel done,and she feels the same way. so woo-hoo,direction in my life with that area which is one of the biggest areas i had been feeling aimless about! on top of that,this new idea may be much more financially fruitful. so grateful. it feels like a breath of fresh air,and i felt no hesitation or blockages about this,it just felt really easy to let go and move
-going swimming and having a nice swim day that was secluded pool,and getting some sun and progressing with things related to that,including more body confidence compared to years. the sun was so soothing,and compared to years before,i also preferred the sun bathing more then being in the pool.
-best friend and how amazing he was and how much he's progressed and how he seemed more relaxed and present,too
-after anxiety on the flight in the beginning,deciding to identify things that cause me anxiety in general lately,and have gotten in my vibration and realizing there are a few things to either cut out or integrate to improve peace,and nix anxiety and i also read one of my favorite spirituality books which inspired me that this is my belief system and i really have been too negative lately,and that tarot is such crap and that I create my reality,and happiness is my belief and just how absurd and silly it's been that i entertained tarot at all. i have no desire to go back to that,it's just stupid.
-vegan food
-being back on a good sleep schedule now. another thing that had interferred with my peace,has been my awful sleep schedule before i went out of town the last months. now i'm back on a much better sleep schedule,and have so much more time and find things so much easier.
-realizing i have spent way too much time on the internet and paying too much attention to crap as well so that's another thing i'm cutting back on. just doing less!
-people actually even remembering you and your orders from the day before where i traveled. just so impressed by the great service
-beaches
-vitamin e. one amazing thing i noticed is i took a lot longer to get pink compared to usual when i'm out there,and i know it's the vitamin e. and then when i did get pink it was not as much as usual,and i pretty much went direct to tan(again,unusual for my skintone). it amazes me what vitamins do for you when you learn the right ones to integrate. so pleased!
-pictures i took
-flowers. so many amazing vivid blooms
-realizing and remembering an important part of me is the writer side and that i will be more of that now
-water. i got faint a few times from the heat. water was amazing with helping with that.
-having a stomachache the first day before a job but then very easily it went away right before the job. so amazing!
-that after anxiety on the flight,i read a favorite loa book i brought and starting sending positive affirmations and visualziing things going well on the trip and amazingly the first day was quite perfect
-just being able to travel. it is so healing
-new food,unique foods.i used to be so boring for the longest time and basic,and i'm quite proud of the unique foods i get to eat and try now
-lemons and lemon water.i finally tried that when i got back and was pleased with how i felt almost drawn to keep drinking it,and it made my nails harder. i really need to tune into insights more often,as it was an insight that drew me to lemons
-all the instagram likes
-lemon tea
-coffee
-my digestion going perfect again as soon as i got back to town. that's one thing that wasn't so great,is because i wasn't drinking enough water due to time and there not being many public bathrooms where was at.
-that i'm more confident and independent in some ways compared to last time going where i traveled
-doing things that i never did before independence wise this trip
-taking uber to airport and back which had never done before for going to this city. was so nice.
-feeling like i'm still out of town and also deciding to just slowly ease back into normal life things again
-yoga
-being me
-cocktails
-whiskey
-how slim my arms
-how tight,and toned,sculpted,and small my back side is. in clothes,i have a really great looking backside
-how easy it is to get protein and realizing that as soon as i stopped resisting that,it became sooo easy,an example of this as yesterday where i didn't even think about it,and naturally exceeded the amount.i block soooo many things by trying too hard with protein,beauty,exercise,and so on and then wonder why i dont get results i don't want. but when i relax,and am non-resistant,things are easy and feel natural
-high end people commenting my instagram photos
-all the instagram likes and follows lately
-that it's springtime which means certain things are only going to get easier
-being able to keep my door open because it's nice out
-nature
-my talent and skills,and things i'm good at and can offer the world
-finding more people who are against doctors and vets and hearing their reasons and stories which makes me feel so much better to not feel so alone in my views.i almost break down into tears when i hear these other people including a certain doctor who is against big pharma.
-realizing about some past things i feel regret and pain about that i've had to heal,that things aren't as bad as i thought,and flowed,i cared,kept my loyalty,and was going through things that made my decisions best for all involved and i'm not as bad as i think. just more healing of my perceptions in general and forgiveness for myself
-all the new life ideas and actions i'm ready to integrate
-already taking a positive action the day i came back that's been a small minor blockage that will be cleared
-realizing how stupid i can be with being hard on things and not seeing things clearly(ocd) and worrying what people think just to later on realize how stupid i was and that i was better then i thought,and to just be myself and that people end up doing things just like me anyways later on and to just follow my path. be inspired,but follow my path,and embrace where i'm at,and accept it
-getting some new flip flops while i was out of town since shoes i wore were no good for where i was at,and all the walking
-my style,and how naturally without trying,i have a great style fitting in where i traveled that was effortless and on point
-nice basic tank tops
-that i'm slimmer then i think
-all my ideas
-freedom
-dark chocolate that is vegan with cherries. so soothing
-my porch
-entertainment
-nightskies
-the sun
-being more comfortable with being confident,and being me,and not being afraid to come off as conceited to some,and having a soft confidence.i am in a certain industry where it's ok to be that way,and others may not understand
-my wisdom
-how relaxing tonight has been
-relaxation
-my computer
-realizing i sit too much and so one thing i will also do better,is moving around more when i am home
-movement
-freshness
-new energy
-newness
-the sounds of the outside at night. it is so soothing to me
-the moon
-scalp massages
-face massage
-feeling very optimistic about the future
-breaks
-just the energy of where i traveled integrating in me
-the glamour of my life
-people who support me
-romance
-art
-love
-letting myself cry when needed. i totally burst into tears on trip and there was something that went wrong,too but overall it was all good,and i believe all happened for a reason
-getting that last minute high end job offer
-my beauty
-having a very fashion,high end look and embracing that more instead of trying to look more like a glamour type look
-just how much i've grown as a person
-my kind heart
-that i've become the kind of girl who can cry at the slightest emotional heart string being tugged now.i've always been sensitive but never cried this easily.
-that my lips have become poutier
-that i have a sense of humor
-

[buttercup]

-vegan burritos
-pineapple soda
-how great my digestion has been
-water
-lemons
-going shopping at store i've been wanting to check out for while
-very cheap wine at the grocery store so picked up a bottle
-getting some new makeup
-travel pics to post on instagram
-all the new instagram followers and likes
-vegan icecream i bought today to try made with coconut milk
-the beautiful,warm weather and how great it feels to not have to wear a jacket and to wear flip flops and shorts
-getting on a nice sleep schedule and how wonderful it feels for my body to feel ready to sleep at that time
-getting dishes done
-spotify and all the great music i've found
-being myself
-sleeping deep,and all the dreams i had. on top of that,i've felt weird feelings not coming neccessarily coming from me,including B.i am not interested in him at all though so he can go ahead and lurk me all he wants. also had dream of ex A giving me hair products and chocolates for some reason. i've had two people with the same name,perhaps the first one was the presynchronicity of sending me an invite all of a sudden. I'm not sure if i felt E thinking about though,he is the one who sent me the invite that triggered irritability in me.i feel completely moved on from him. this trip did that for me,as in..from the friendship,too. it's so sad,but i feel i'm ready now to just let go of the friendship. what other choice do i have? it breaks my heart i never got to be part of his regular friendship circle,and it'd make me jealous a little and then i see he invites me to this huge party he is having this summer where he has invited everyone,like tons of people,more then i've ever seen on an invite of his.i clicked maybe at first,then changed mind and said no. i need to let go and not hold on. i even see B's best friend on the invite so for all i know B himself could be on there even though you'd think he hates B. It hurts how some of these people have treated me but they can all go F themselves. E is nothing but a rich kid who can't even get a girl and plays constant games. All i can do is ride it out and be happy and align with new people and experiences entering my lives. Funny this happens today,on a significant number omen day for me,but yeah,today is the day I let go of E as a friend and am ok if i never see him again. Maybe he's been thinking about me a lot because he's left my mind or maybe he's got a gf now but i was afraid of losing the friendship back in Jan,Feb,March,and April,and now i finally am ok with if i never see him again. Like,really ok. I don't know why my fate tends to be friends who are only short term or people i only see once in awhile but it's all good. I really thought E might be different.
-emailing K. she had sent me an email so i replied to that tonight
-realizing i am mad at myself too. seeing certain things like crush from the past A is moving really close to me has affected me a bit and just made me feel very stupid in ways. just about how internally i try soooooo hard,and am not trusting enough of being myself and it's just a lot to think about. it's certaintly a season of change and a whirlwind of transition
-the feeling of newness.i feel ready to find new people in my life,i feel ready to go and do things that will make me happy and bring me joy. so many things have gone away,from my friend A,and J,and so many others,it's just life. It's just E's turn. The only difference is,I had closure on those others,and understanding of why things came to be. I had thought E's purpose might be to prove to me I can change the pattern but clearly,i couldn't and he was nothing more then an acquintance who had a crush on me.i feel like i don't even know him.
-the rain. i love the rain so much in my apartment,because it's so peaceful to sit on the porch while it rains. the view while keeping dry is so peaceful and nice.
-my vitamins and how beautiful they make me
-that i can create my reality. the power of happiness and that I can create things i want and how empowering that is. i can create opportunities,miracles,reconnecting with others,new people,and so much more and how fun it can be to play with that!
-my dancers poise when i am in certain positions and poses that naturally is there
-evolving and change
-discovering new songs
-being me,my tastes and preferences in things

-

[buttercup]

-the sun
-starting yoga outdoors on my porch and how amazing that feels
-how my face is changing somehow,and it's amazing. i think it's the vitamins.
-the power of non-resistance and how as soon as i let go with protein and decided on a lower amount that i think is best for me and more natural..i now find myself exceeding it and telling myself how easy it is to get protein
-pineapple soda
-clean eating nourishing food
-police in my district for making me feel safe after a very creepy incident happened with hearing odd sounds of soft repeated steps followed by just as get to my door to lock it,someone shows up on the top of the stairs! i had quite a panic. the police caught him,said his story matches up and was unarmed and brought him to train station and police even came back a 2nd time within 30 seconds after i panicked and thought i seen him again and stuck close the first time they left.i am grateful.i still can't get over how eerie that was and wondering why that really happened,and have been jumpy at nighttime ever since. even this whole incident,feels dream-like,like something i'd dream,and makes me wonder more about the true nature of reality,and multiple realities and symbolisms and dreams.
-wheel yoga pose and going back to doing more yoga.
-creating my own workouts
-rompers
-lemon water
-my ex A wanting to go to dinner with me this weekend
-right after getting really mad at E and even writing in my notebook about what do i want and writing i want E to stop being stupid,lo and behold today he texts me! first time in almost two months. the power of letting go,i'm sure since that's how i've felt.
-how strong my arms are getting from wheel pose,and how slim they are
-vegan ice cream made with coconut milk
-all the job offers kicking
-the social offers kicking in
-the interesting things i'm curious to possibly do kicking in
-talking to roommate about how certain thing affected me with feeling like i have been a little trying to keep up with the joneses perhaps,and maybe would be ok with moving to a neighborhood not far north,but that it makes me mad that i've been triggered twice recently especially the last one,to finally feel like there's nothing wrong with living in my neighborhood or side of the city,nor do i need to feel embarrassed and how stupid that is. and,that i do want to move out of my neighborhood but might be ok with staying on my side of the city i'm on but just going a little more north. it makes me mad though that i've not seen how part of me was being and that my true desires,i'd rather just more freedom above all else.i don't like feeling like i've been influenceable,but the truth is,every single person is,at least sometimes,on some level. for so long,i thought north side would give me more freedom,and everyone i know is on north side,and seeing more people are on or going to south side now,has made me annoyed,but maybe it's a lesson from the universe to dream big,but also be yourself.i just also realize every time i covet a neighborhood,eventually that person moves anyway,and how stupid it is,and to just be myself,and follow my own path,as not everyone is living in those upscale neighborhoods.
-my new sleep schedule and how much earlier i wake up now
-music and listening to music on with my headphones on music site and all the songs i'm discovering
-the warm weather today
-all the travel inspirations. even food in my city is dulling me now
-how moved forward i feel
-how happy i feel today
-being confident
-my ideas
-how admired i am and how influenced people are by me
-movies
-how much more peaceful it is going to bed at a more normal hour
-hearing my brother tell me about an experience the day a loved one left that he experienced too and him saying this on his own and out of nowwhere about how the day i told him,the sky and the outside just seemed really quiet and peaceful and how weird that was. I felt the exact way and have no doubt in my mind that was something. And,was a sign that the universe had just had an angel enter heaven. I was crying on the porch remembering that worst day of my life,and how peaceful the sky felt. I love her so damn much and it really isn't fair.
-i must be in a really surrendered state because another thing,is i picked up a bottle of wine the other day just on instinct,and sure enough found a use for it,as my mom wanted to stop by for my brothers birthday and so we had wine. so perfect. love being in the flow,and those kinds of experiences and following instincts. it was also eerie,bittersweet,and sad how much of a moment it felt like for them,like i had really done something by having them over. it just seemed like one of those moments that would playback later on down the line in a flashback of life moments..it's weird when that happens..when you have those moments that you feel are that,not even by your own intention but just the feeling you get
-reassurances
-desires
-my beauty
-feeling filed with possibility
-how open i feel
-getting work done this week
-detoxing
-how high end i am
-my kind heart
-following the intuitive way,for diet,life,style,fitness,and more
-how new things feel
-chakra healing music
-how flexible my lower back is
-well written and interesting stories
-how i curate and my personality
-coming back to myself,more and more
-how i've changed over the years

[newfreedom]

vegan ice cream made with coconut milk ... sounds good x

[buttercup]

... sounds good x


i love it.

[newfreedom]

i love it.

i've never actually tried it, must make an effort ! :D xxx

[buttercup]

oh man,on days where i feel so happy,and am dreaming big still,smiling,and laughing,what isn't know,is i still have suicidal thoughts. it's hard,today was a day where very painful memories were brought up and i find things that happened to me years ago,i have issues from that i didn't seem to have shortly after it happening..which isnt something i expected and i get so sad thinking i didn't sign for this,to be this girl who went through a lot of messed up things and didn't come from a lot..that stupid cliche that i feel that i am. i have a lot of fear in my vibration these days and for someone like me who wishes for more freedom,to have their freedom feel more restricted because they don't feel as safe,is very frustrating,and so it's been a tough week of that ever since that incident. on top of that, the painful messed up stories that go on in the world,just make me feel like i'm living in hell sometimes,how can people kill babies,and treat babies so cruelly. it's hard,i have anxiety and emotional issues and it bothers me because that happiness when life changed forever for me when i first discovered meditating,and then the loa,i had thought i healed those things,and could really change things,and then only some things changed,and more things happened,to create new anxieties. life isn't happily ever after,ever. even the frightful things that happen seem like dream like,like something another version of myself dreamt. it makes me ponder more how connected sleeping dreams are connected to our true selves..which confirms 3 things...life really is just dream,we have multiple realities,and all of life is symbols and signs.

-water
-yoga
-spirituality
-feeling my feelings
-lemons
-how great my face looks from all the sun,vitamins,and lemon
-rompers
-finding something i want to do
-being inspired to do more visualizing meditating
-reflection
-getting middle eastern food for dinner that i like a lot
-my best friend
-my interests and likes
-that on the outside looking in,i look like i have a lot going for me
-learning and lessening and coming back to myself more and more
-nightskies
-the peacefulness of the rainy day today while on my porch
-having breakfast in my kitchen by the time i awoke
-lovely compliments by someone i worked with who appreciated me and valued me.
-makeup
-getting cute new lingerie ordered
-cleaning the kitchen today
-inspiration in the form of others
-becoming more and more of who i want to be
-getting some yoga pics i had taken of me,and seeing my form is on point
-summertime vibes
-that E contacted me the other day.it boosted my mood. idk why.i deny wanting him,and often think of him just as friendship and how much i just like hanging out,but then occasionally,i feel the other feelings that make him someone that isn't just a friend. it's complicated,but subtly so,at least to me. it doesn't have the dramatic complications others have had in the past,at least not in my perception.i really do just want to be friends,but have also acknowleged feelings. And,for now,i stand that there's not really any guy out there,i have found to be a match for what i want. My ex A is too player-ish,too old,and doesn't get my wants in some ways. he seems the guy who'd want to knock me up,not have me go out anymore(he complained that i'm still into clubbing which annoyed me),marry me,and provide for me sure,but also be flirtasious and whatnot to other women which is something i do not like.
-living in a big city
-that more and more women are doing things like what i do at my age,and older and it looks great,which makes me feel better now that i'm getting just slightly older.
-that i've had no back issues,since i've made more efforts to move more
-that i'm getting a sample sent to me
-coffee and how warm and soothing it is
-getting a job confirmed today
-the beautiful aspects of me ive become and will become
-inspiring pics

[buttercup]

i've never actually tried it, must make an effort ! :D xxx


you should. not sure where you live,but i found it at my local grocery store. the flavor is mocha almond fudge by so delicious. i've had soy icecreams before and must say i like this even better then i liked the soy(which was great,too).

[buttercup]

lots of signs today.
-green smoothie i got today and how great it was in taste,very sweet and easy to drink.
-going shopping today
-how great of a glow my skin has been having
-feeling more confident about a physical feature of mine
-beauty role models that inspire
-feeling my feelings
-lemons
-the peanut butter cookie i had today and how delicious it was
-roomate sleeping at home tonight
-how friendly the neighbors in the building are
-yoga pants
-feeling confident about myself
-my physical features altering slightly in a way i think is good
-being someone comfortable enough to go without makeup sometimes
-all the instagram followers i'm getting and likes
-getting dishes done today
-entertainment
-heart chakra healing music
-beautiful songs
-my best friend and how amazing he is
-my silly,child-like sense of humor
-how flat my stomach had gotten today. it had gotten really really flat,was nice.
-advice from business partner about my first career that helped me make a decision
-california
-inspirations
-feeling pretty in the moment with life. i swear things have changed with me quite a big since this time last year. it's hard to put a word to it,but it's like i'm literally a different person. it is really eerie to me.i'd like to use the word happier,but that doesn't feel quite accurate. i just feel like i've found a plethora of tools to put to use which manages me much better. It may not even be noticeable to anyone else,but i know it's there..something in me has changed that makes me more present,detached,flowing with life,and happier. it doesn't mean i don't feel stuck or depressed at times,etc,etc but it's just different now..and,it's just amazing and eerie how much has changed in life since this time last year.
-waking up early
-living the seemingly glamourous life the "-----" life
-my creativity and artist's eye
-pillows
-squats and stretches
-just being able to see the positive changes in my life both physical,mental,and otherwise. it's bittersweet,but i do like transformation
-my desires
-waking up early today
-the lights off earlier tonight which is peaceful
-forgiveness
-trust and surrender in life
-my animal soulmate
-hope
-dreams
-possibilities
-potential

[newfreedom]

-green smoothie i got today and how great it was in taste,very sweet and easy to drink.

Hi Buttercup, thanks for today's gratitude list, after reading 'easy to drink' i was then able / reminded of my Giant mug of Tea, sitting beside me & drink it.

Absent mindedness causes difficultly at times :toast: xX

[newfreedom]

Celebrating a Daughter's Birthday
buying
drinking
'Crabbie's' Original Alcoholic ginger beer

[buttercup]

today,pms-ing and feeling inadequate,and reminded of all my anxiety issues. it's been a drama-full week this past week or week and half or so. i want to master loa and intention-manifesting and will. my guilts are biggest resistances.
-green smoothies. the last one i had tasted like candy.
-living in a big city
-finally,possibly getting something i've wanted for awhile..it came in the form of chaos and drama,and betrayal but it's always darkest before the dawn..it also connected in my eyes why i had the snake dreams(an omen of change for me),the spiritual reason behind the incident with the creep on my steps,and so on,all became connected as happening for a reason in my eyes as it all just seemed to lead to one thing,and connect to what happened yesterday afternoon. it is so weird how this happened
-helping best friend and being there for him through his messy dramas and seeing him with love.
-getting some work back this week
-coffee. sooooooo soothing,especially on gloomy weather days
-how beautiful the skyline looks right now as i keep my door one door open and can see outside
-the black eyeshadow i bought and how great it is for achieving a look i like
-going tanning today
-peanut butter cookies
-having a skinny day today and yesterday. i've done 4 different things in the last few days so not sure what exactly has been the cause but very happy about it. idk what is is about skinny days that are so mood boosting
-physical exercise,squats and stretches which i love how they make me feel.
-yoga pants
-how great my form is in wheel pose
-how small and sculpted my arms are getting from the wheel pose work i've been doing
-lemons.i super appreciate lemons lately.
-finding another publication to submit a pitch to.
-getting an order in the mail today
-the lovely pastel lavender purple shade of nail polish i did my toes which is also a mood boost
-strawberry soda and how great it tastes
-how easy it is to get protein now
-getting things done today that i've been putting off
-sweaters
-best friend and i deciding on a more modest,more closer by neighborhood to move to instead may fit our wants more
-being an understanding and forgiving person
-ideas
-change
-feeling so ready to move out of this apartment. i'm at the point now where it's depressing me to even be here.
-nightskies
-instagram
-having more followers then most others in my city who do what i do,which is great as i'm marketing myself to be in a more competiitive market so although i'm low for market i'm desiring,i'm high for market i'm in.
-that i can change things around at any moment
-desire to delve into positive talk/loa more and more and make more focus on creating the reality i want
-how hard my nails are
-being wiser then ever before..knowing that things in my reality are a reflection of my OWN feelings of inadequacy popping up. it' so simple,really. more and more,i do see the world is a mirror. my own doubts reflect to me in my reality. that's all it is,so simple and i didnt grasp this before. my thoughts. i'll never forget last august having this shown to me,where i finally grasped that concept. i cant help but feel like last year was the start of a part 2 of a spiritual awakening for me..
-being more confident then i was this time last year

[buttercup]

Yes,i know what you mean. positive self talk is so great.i also remember there have been some things for me in the past,not so easy to drink and then i'd not stick to it.

[buttercup]

-lemon water
-coffee
-peanut butter cookies
-how easy it is to get protein. crazy,i thought again maybe i didn't get enough,and checked some things i'd eaten earlier enough that had way more then i thought to me getting exactly what my goals are with the dinner i had made. so amazing,i got rid of this protein resistance i had.
-sun and sunshine. now the weather just needs to warm up!
-sweaters,socks,and other clothes that keep me warm
-my vegan omega supplement i recently started taking. still having a skinny days and think this may be what has been causing it. so great!
-how toned and sculpted my stomach has been looking. and i've only been exercising lightly.i think it's vitamin integration. very pleased.
-the cool highlight and various tones of color in my hair
-putting a bag of stuff in the living room so i'd make more of a focus to get rid of more things
-finding out more things that were very shocking but now will lead to more peace that are a continuation of the previous day's things coming out. again,so strange how this got revealed too,and have no doubt it was meant to. it connected a lot of dots as well. the positive is it now unclutters things in friend's life,and leads to more closeness and understanding. it's been an intense,stressful week and a half but at least i can see where my life is going for the next few months.
-canada and u.k agencies possibly taking an interest in me
-using a rejection this morning as affirmation and inspiration
-stretches and squats and that exercising without videos is finally starting to work for me now especially with the diet and vitamins i'm learning more and more.
-that my body is actually a little sore,too which is great,my exercises are paying off
-that i love physical exercise,but that it seems with omegas i'm now not needing to do as much,which is great,and feels more natural
-cute animal videos
-great publicity and endorsements for wonderful animal advocacy organizations
-heart warming stories in the news i come across
-being of a good heart
-the green color of the leaves and trees this time of year
-the topics of spirituality and metaphysics and the possibility of magic in life that keeps me going
-hair brushes and brushing my hair,and how great it feels as something as simple as brushing your hair
-being a strong woman
-doing a checking in with myself questions in my notebook session
-the glow my skin has these days
-being kindhearted
-my realness
-how great my hair looks
-how nice and toned my muscles are,and the nice shape of my curves
-little progresses in past months such as no longer having to get to a certain neighborhood before taking a cab because i now use ridesharing service from my home

[buttercup]

-lemon water
-lemon tea
-coffee. and having an extra cup today!
-sleep
-vegan burritos
-the weather being a little more pleasant today
-getting to go for a nice little walk today in my neighborhood. made a difference in my mood actually. the little things really really do make a difference
-being in a little bit better,and more positive of a mood today.
-how peaceful the rain sounds right now
-being able to go with friend to his work after panic attack at my apartment last night
-feeling more inspired by happiness,loa,and the magic of life again today and devoting myself more to deeper meditations,surrendering,and immersing in happiness
-creativity flowing just a little,and some new business idea excitement too
-getting body scrub in the mail today
-my supporters
-great brands
-netherlands
-great ideas
-being exposed to great ideas,cultures,and learning
-getting started on throwing some things out from bedroom
-getting some apartments emailed about last night
-meditation. and my meditation technique of saying a mantra/affirmation here and there to myself during to empower me through the day.
-classic sitting meditation pose. i like this.i didn't use do this pose for meditating very often at all,and did more relaxed pose but i'm glad to do this,and also put hands in prayer position,as i find it really strengthens the meditation
-meditating on the porch
-yoga on the porch
-vitamins and how great they've made me feel and look
-seeing the subtle face changes
-the shape of my eyes
-the glow my skin has
-the texture of my hair,and how great looking my hair is
-brushing my hair
-having another skinny day. really has to be the omegas.
-miracles
-this website
-esoteric/metaphysical topics and online communities.
-colors. and the spring green color of the trees and leaves
-how smart i am
-how much i've evolved since two years ago. two years ago does NOT even feel like two years ago but suddenly reflecting on me back two years i realize i've evolved quite a bit,and it's crazy,eerie,and bittersweet how much time has passed.
-my beauty and my look
-my femininity
-how slender and toned my body is
-stretches and squats

[buttercup]

-fashion designs
-my style
-bread
-vegan chicken
-lemon water
-a yoga mat so i can do porch yoga more comfortably
-the nice weather today
-laying in savasana pose on the porch and somehow right where i was at,the sun hit me so strongly,it was like i was sunbathing which sent me some deep relaxation energies
-an apartment getting looked at today,in a nicer neighborhood and amazing price
-feeling more normal after that awful sexual harassing message i got from D last night,the idiot from last fall. he then called me crazy and was a jerk and i deleted him,blocked him,and even deactivated my fb,and put my ig on private for the night. he really brought me down with that but i'm feeling better now
-going for a walk today and how nice it is to see my neighborhood like that,and how much safer it makes me feel,and going to the metaphysics shop a few blocks from my place and getting some incenses. at first i wasnt pleased with the selection,but then found exactly what i wanted,and some other interesting ones i bought.i enjoy this shop because the guy who works there and his name,and the shop itself is so charmingly weird,it literally could be in a episode of buffy the vampire slayer. his comments on one of the incenses i picked out was also entertaining and he had said a lot of people he's noticed have been very stressed this week after i had commented it's been stressful this week.
-appreciating my face more
-getting my monthly time of the month,and the release ialways feel once i do.i just feel more relaxed.
-deciding i'll start doing more visualizing starting today
-best friend putting two more notices in today
-intention setting
-my vitamins
-my body being nice,slender,and toned even only with lighter exercise lately
-the amazing blessing of finding something amazing from the bag of stuff i had put in living room to go through.i found two photos of my loved one who left this physical reality that i had not know i had and hadn't seen in the past over a year since she departed. what a blessing! a picture from her first year of life in the first apartment she lived in with my family and a picture of her with the childhood hampster.i hadn't known for yearssssssssssss that i even had full pic of that hampster,so it really is miraculous and shocking this manifested. it was such a blessing especially since i had been in tears just shortly before looking through that crying about her. it almost partially made me wonder did it come from her.
-beautiful heartwarming news stories
-coffee
-amazing art
-tuning into my desires and feelings and having some direction in my life
-being able to soothe and rationalize to myself
-flip flops
-that i create my reality,and have manifested so many insaneeeeeeee miracles already and seen so many proofs of this.
-the huge thing i manifested this week,actually. it did cause chaos but it was for the best of all involved,and was actually effortless once i just randomly said the affirmation in anger 4 times. seriously,the power of just not thinking about it,and letting go is amazing,especially when your not trying to let go,but just do it naturally.
-dark chocolate and how relaxing it is
-loving myself and how easy it is to do

[buttercup]

-getting a latte from coffee chain nearby since i ran out of coffee
-banana fruit spread
-a friend giving me one of their cookies to try
-how much my face is transforming
-how amazing my body is looking. tight,toned,slimmed with a smaller amount of exercise now. love it so much.
-yoga
-my vegan omega vitamins and how amazing they are
-the incense burning now and how strong it is
-how amazingly healthy my hair
-how amazingly smooth my body is from that body scrub i received
-how amazing the weather is today
-the sun
-how peaceful last night was,getting subtle little insights as i did some guided meditations last night with one of the doors open and hearing the sounds of the outside
-feeling in a pretty good mood today
-animal activists
-music
-summer vibes
-massage
-that i get to blog soon on my personal blog
-have been having a lot of thoughts about E for some reason again,idk why but all kinds of thoughts,and strong feeling ones,too. it's starting to drive me crazy,i'm trying to channel it to intention setting and whatnot and i know it's just telepathic back and forth conversation going on between us but it makes me mad because my head wants to at times deny things and say he's not good enough,but then i feel a strong pull and then a sense of appreciation and love for him,that's been there since the beginning and then i start to feel slight fear,and then sadness and jadedness at how things are now. i'm very energy sensitive and last night at 2 am,i just get this surge of thoughts about him and like i can't get him out of my head and just very intense feeling with it,where it's like i can't even focus on what i'm doing. he is one person i always felt very in tune,psychically with but didn't think much of it since people i am in tune with that way can be random especially how energy sensitive i am. even right now,i feel almost antsy about him,i do want to decipher what parts are me,what parts are from him,because i got the feeling back in march from an intuitive reading that there was some anxiety from him about me and it's already been proven with how i've seen him and conversations that he definitely thinks about things a lot more then he shows. so,i appreciate that i'm aware of this and am trying to channel it positively and am not denying my feelings as well. now that i've stripped away all the repressions i had in march and before,i can even imagine us as a couple and in love which is insane.
-i appreciate that i am strong,and stand my ground that D from fall was absolutely wrong to me with what he did and someone to be staying clear of him.i appreciate that i blocked him.
-i appreciate L texting me even though i don't like him that way simply because...not many people to talk to these days.
-i appreciate one of my higher self insights telling me,i need to take an action to bring some movement to my life socially. it's now warm out,and i have no one inviting me out,and it makes me sad,i don't have friends to hang out with really. there's so many things i want to do,and am ready for. last year,was so sad,and i find myself wanting to re-connect to the things from last year i didn't take advantage of fully and rejected because of my pain.i'm trying to intention manifest things that are fun that i desire to come into my reality.
-that i cleaned the kitchen
-that i'm ready for newness. that i desire to reconnect with some things,and manifest completely new things as well,since i find both important
-instagram likes and followers i get
-being able to walk around barefeet in apartment and porch and how good that feels
-knowing i need to do something. even if i don't quite know what yet,though it feels as if even almost anything will prove benefits. it's time to get out.
-feeling confident in my appearance
-sweet things,like random very rare moments when i got to hear what E really thought of me like the one time he was talking about the friend he liked,who later obviously it was me,saying he thought she was innocent. when he didn't tell me directly or when he thought he moved on from me,it was easy for him to say nice things to me.

[buttercup]

geez,it's been a more interesting days then ianticipated this last month.
-water
-coca cola
-nice warm weather today
-being slender
-ok,last night i felt even more of a buildup of how lonely and friendless i feel..i think that's why certain other things have affected me so much too this last week is because i feel so friendless,and unnoticed.i'm the girl people lurk but don't talk to.i'd like to think that maybe this build up and increase of these feelings is natural unfolding(everyday has it's meaning and purpose) and maybe even from the incense ritual having an effect,somehow it is playing out like this to lead to other things because right now i just feel an intense feeling of isolation,unsupport,and friendless even though i KNOW i'm a valuable girl who is attractive,fun,smart,kind,interesting,etc,etc. I'm a unique soul,i'm interesting and i know people find me to be interesting,etc,etc. It's something I do internally,and so on. My fear more then anything is staying stuck in the cycles of this and it repeating,and that's what is really painful. I also felt almost desperate for E last night and thinking of crush A from the past as they seem to be two desires that I hold onto and that I feel without that,what do i have in a sense. Since,afterall,our desires give us life,something to aspire to,meaning,hope and so on and both of those desires connect to certain parts of myself that I am,want to become. Wow,writing all this affirms for me more the importance of desires again. Society makes desires sound not very important,but they are far more important,and a part of us then we realize. But,anyways,last night i just felt,what would I be without those two desires? I'd feel so empty. They connect to parts of me that are and want to be,young,crazy,and have fun and explore life. I'd feel very sad if either of them went away and even if it manifested and then went away..well i fear that,too and maybe that blocks it from manifesting,too..even though i know the cycles of life,and new things come and it'd all be ok and that i wouldn't feel like as bad as i think once things have manifested. I think we really do block the flow of life for sooo many reason, including guilt and not feeling good enough,and of course fear of getting what we want because of reason such as this and so we hold onto the desires keeping them in a sort of standstill holding position basically. so,the point of this,is the desires exist for as reason. All desires from the heart do,they are meant to manifest in some way,and at some time. With A,i can easily by now,with no doubt know he and I will manifest something sometime in the future. I now feel easily and naturally whereas before i just felt this pang and longing towards him and lots of serendipity. But,now after all that's happened,i just feel with ease,that knowing,it's become very strengthened and it's really nice. The biggest serendipity of all played a part in this i'm sure. With E,i pulled a tarot card (i don't do them often anymore) asking what i should know about him that I don't and the card I got ,I read as destiny. It sort of made me go whoa. But,anyways,i have no doubt with E,as well i will see him again,i just feel very impatient because also,life feels dull,like it needs movement and i feel so very very ready. I didn't in march. I was able to be honest with myself about that then. And,in April,I felt blocked. I can see how I blocked things then and now I'm ready.I'm just going to keep repeating to the universe that i'm ready. And,life does feel like a calm before the storm right now. The air and sky just feels a little quieter..you can't live your life waiting,if you are,you need to make a change because this is,this is life,this is all it is.and,one thing i've learned is no matter what desire manifests whether it's your dream job,relationship,dream place to live,you can't run away from yourself..you bring yourself to what you manifested..sure life gets a little better,but things don't just miraculously change because you manifested a dream desire.So,you have to live your being and not waiting,know your desires are important and have meaning,and know that of course life will get better once you manifested a big desire but it doesn't mean happily ever after because you bring you to whatever it is you desire. i appreciate being able to reflect on all this,and find meaning in my depressed and anxious feelings i had. one thing,i may try doing is instead of just trying to manifest and align with a particular desire(which it's already done,because loa is easy peasy),is to change my day to day to life and my way of being,that way the person i bring to my newly manifested desires is also different. on top of this,one thing with A the crush that i noticed is,i have only manifested him on a very very high vibration. i find this very interesting,and it's one of many inspirations for me to be very happy. idk what this means about him,it's not like he's a very spiritual person or anything. he is happy,but he's certainly far from perfect. but,yeah from the first time we spoke to so on,it always was in my most highest vibrations. ANOTHER interesting,and random note is,some people i noticed i tend to manifest in lower vibrations..i've since learned those were bad people and toxic obviously that they only popped in when my vibration dipped a little bit. I've also learned over the years how to decipher good from people from bad people. Good people feel good,and tend to have a higher vibration.That's why as imperfect as crush A may be,I can tell he is an angel. It also may be seem contrary but people who pop in during higher vibration times also tend to be the good people for you which is why when you are sad,depressed,and in pain,you sometimes don't manifest people. This has been my experience. You have to feel it,before it comes. You have to trust more deeply in the universe,then you do others.
-my love for my lost loved one.i miss her so much. i still cry for her on some days.
-my slender figure. how toned my figure is. i love looking at how slim my legs look.
-my incense i bought.i intuitively picked three at that last visit,a very strong one..possibly strongest one i've ever bought before and two more gentle loving ones and even roommate commented on how strong the scent is. idk why but i just love my incense burning ritual.i find it so powerful for intention setting because of the metaphor with the smoke being released being the intentions being released out to the universe and as the smoke comes closer i feel stronger focus that allows me to feel the intention deeply just knowing it's done. on top of that,it's so summery and the scents remind of summer and meditating for some reason and that i'm a powerful creator.i also have a feeling from this,that next week is going to be a powerful week.
-being realistic and easy on myself.
-being able to walk barefoot
-omega vitamins
-feeling drawn towards third eye chakra things,like the lavender tea i bought last night,and feeling urges to do work with the middle of the forehead,and wanting my lavender oil(which i misplaced).i think this is my higher self telling me i'm ready to work with that chakra again as that chakra seems to be calling me.i have a feeling that next week is going to be very high vibration actually. during most situations(deep pain times are one exception),i can get the chakras balanced and activated within a few days which gets me on a high vibration and intention manifesting becomes easy and natural. this can be one of the BEST ways to utilize the loa to manifest desires. i love it.
-strawberry lemonade mikes hard lemonade that i had last night
-lovely time on the porch last night and how amazing the weather was/
-the nightskies and how soothing it was
-in my pain,i joined a bunch of meetups. not the ideal route at all of what i wanted to do,as it's what i did in 2012 and i feel i've evolved from that,but i feel very lost and not sure what to do. strangely,though,i did find some interesting ones i hadnt seen before including one for girls that has meetups that seem to very much fit my interests.i rsvped for one,and then looked up the girl's name on social media,and she is a promoter,so even better,maybe ill make friends with another promoter which is actually one thing i wanted. all i know is i have to take SOME actions.
-finding beauty in the mundane with all the pictures i take nowadays while out and about
-looking at another apartment last night which wasnt going to be an option anyways since it's same neighborhood but roommate really wanted to see it,so we went. it was nice,and cheaper,but i refuse to move to the same neighborhood after being stuck here for a whole year,plus the guy wanted someone to move asap and lease isn't up yet. it's been good to start looking though and see what's out there.
-being able to be honest with myself that yes,i have direction in my life,finally,i even talked to friend on the porch last night that i feel in about two months things are going to get ridiculously good with some things because of a career venture that will be starting in month or two. it's going to open up newness,and give me new chances. i'm really excited.i also know in my heart,I do want E. I know where I want my next trip to be,and when. I'm on the hunt for apartments and feel relaxed about the process and also changed my perceptions about what i want with that a little bit and compromised. I have hopes,desires,things i'm working for. But,i do feel stuck with some things,too,and lost. And,i can be honest with that. I don't know what to do about E,because I can't invite him to hang out...i don't even have any friends to plan a hang out and invite him to come too like how he does with me,so that's why all i can literally do is have it be him who invites me. If I had more friends,it'd be so easy,just like with many other things in life i wanted but couldn't do because i didnt have friends to bring with. Makes me pretty mad,actually thinking about it like that. But,i know i need to place a trust in the universe,and allow things to become created. I don't need this or that to happen,i just need to allow and ask the universe for help with the things i feel i want it to be specific on.
-that despite the E anxiety and feelings with friends,i do feel more a sense of relaxation and purpose the last two days or so
-my laptop computer
-that at least i'm taking actions now,and feeling ready. and,again,super appreciate the strong claircognizant feeling i'm geting that something is about to happen. it's just a calm,powerful,knowing that feels as if it's embedded in me,like things have been rearranged
-funny things that manifest. like,for the THIRD time in a matter of a few weeks,my best friend seen an ex while at the store with me. it amuses me because it makes me wonder what the heck is going on in his vibration and thoughts that this keeps manifesting? the first two times we hid from her because she is psycho and it upset my friend because he really didnt want to see her,but the last one was a different girl so i told him to go talk to her,and it made him feel better i think to be able to do so since he'd been feeling depressed a little
-my eyeglasses
-getting more haircolor from store last night to fix my hair since that's been making me insecure
-finally feeling more safe in my apartment a little bit
-that i feel better from hangover already.i drank a little bit,but already feel back to normal.
-getting the dishes done
-clouds and the amazing and surreal way they looked on the porch yesterday that i even took a picture
-my porch and how great it is sit out there,do yoga,etc and how great it makes me feel
-a certain famous model who i look alot alike and had friend take picture of a banner signage she was on. she makes me feel more confident.
-that when my mood got higher yesterday,another girl,K,contacted me asking what i'm doing this weekend. it wasn't ideal to my wants,but showed me i'm getting closer and see what my vibration does. Just be happy! Things will come about.

[buttercup]

2 lists in one day because i have a half hr to spare so why not!
-deciding to color my hair right now
-going to the beach today and the peaceful water lookout point where i finally felt some calm after a very aggravating time
-the colors of the sky
-all the signs i am getting something is around the corner,even one that freaked me out since last time it meant something bad that happened literally like a day or two later!!!! but,this omen supposedly is good usually. i had several signs today,that was the only one that made me fear
-getting in a really good,life is magical,grateful for everything mood for about an hour or so in the day time before the beach. got brought down by someone's drama,but it's ok,it shows me how easy it is to do,and i'll do it again
-seeing how easy i can recieve energy from friend and how powerful he is at sending energy. it's motivating. the peaceful calm i felt at the water point...apparently he had sent me energy right before i got to that point of walking.
-heart chakra,throat,and third eye solfeggio musics which have lifted my vibration in the last hour or two which is so needed as i felt so antsy about E again realizing it's all him even on business trip when i thought i was over him,who was the one i kept thinking about him,even if about something mundane...it was him. i'm sad realizing how little i actually know about him,and i just really,really,really want to see him.i've already sacrificed the friendship knowing it may well be over,and am ok with that if we can't be friends again,but i need to see him,even it means it has to be romantic now. i'm willing to lose the friendship,even if it means losing him,as i see now,i have no choice.i'm ready to explore what we are meant to explore.i just know i'm going to see him any moment now and something big is about to happen.i can feel it in my bones,that we will see each other before these next few weeks are over,that it won't take that long,we will see each other much sooner then that.i don't know what any of this means,i just feel stuck and like i need to see him,and see what happens. that kiss meant something. that is so obvious. i was overwhelmed in march. april i had to focus on work,but now i'm ready. i've repressed so much but i think there is more significance to him then i realized. maybe i am rushing too much,and i'm obviously anxious but that's just because of my fears from past experiences. i'm also fearing how old i am starting to get. people around me are getting engaged and having all these things happen,and i feel stuck.i have direction,but am stuck. i got hit with all this muck the last two weeks but it'll be ok those things. i'm ready. i'm ready. i'm ready. i can see where things fit now,some of them. like how my ex A wasn't meant to stick around,but just for us to catch up,that's just his role. B helped me get away from D and also,maybe played a part in E and us kissing..well,he did actually. but,E is the one who has a more significant role then B and D. i'm not even mad at him,i just need to see him,to see what happens. This is insane. how has it now been almost 3 months? yikes,though actually i had thought it had been longer so feel slight relief. I need to surrender,and delete past patterns/beliefs from my subconscious and allow life to flow and not feel stuck. Anything is possible.
-that i'm determined that no matter what i'm going out sometime this week/weekend to have a nightout.
-that the good side of all this,is my will is feeling very strong,to make things happen. I just KNOW this,and that,and that and this is going to happen. I'm determined and it's done. anger has a purpose,when used constructively. sometimes,anger can climb you out of a stuck mode.
-how my eyes and skin,and face have changed. i swear it looked like i had skin makeup on today when i didn't and my eyes looked almost like they changed colors slightly and look more clear. it's so insane. also,my body is super tight lately,and very smooth from the body scrub,and the light exercises i do nowadays throughout the day
-the nice walk today i took
-how peaceful it sounds outside right now
-feelings of desire from fun desires of wanting to go out,to being able to think some guys are attractive that i see while out and about
-feeling more confident about myself lately about who i am,looks
-all the instagram photo likes today and follows
-that in some ways the loa is becoming easier i feel. i'm making it easier, and so it's becoming so. amazing things are happening to me this next week. just stay in the moment,make efforts,don't try too hard. don't be afraid to try again with things if needed and tweak your vibration. using the month of feb of this year as my motivation since it was my most magical loa month.i went through deep pain and climbed myself out with loa and manifested magic. back then,i just stayed strong and didn't give up. the month opened with pain,and closed with healing and magic. then,i admittely got little lazy and drifted and was unfocused and have been ever since,but now i'm back with it. it is amazing to me how much time has passed though,and eerie. like,what the hell happened since then? i do know. i remember how i blocked certain things,and that block is gone now. thankful for all this motivation and being able to observe my reality right now.

[buttercup]

-feeling very motivated today,determined,and strong willed
-my powerful incense i am using,that it's one of the strongest incenses i've ever used,and how incense really helps me with my intention manifesting. love it.
-the beautiful sunny weather today.
-great digestion
-my beautiful,healthy,cute teeth
-beauty role models
-great new fruit spread flavor i tried today
-coffee
-water
-how great my hair color looks now. love the color and way it turned out.i feel much more confident now
-how slim and tight my body is
-how determined i am to change my life around again and bring some magic into my reality! i can feel it. this week is pivotal. i've felt antsy still today,admittedly,but strong,and keep affirming to myself that i am surrendering to the calm which is starting to help. also appreciate the root chakra music i decided to listen to half hour ago to help feel grounded and secure with all the work i am doing,and how antsy i still felt.i also appreciate the cedarwood oil i dabbed on my feet for root chakra balancing as well.
-a contributor making chat with me
-had another possible sign in the form of a dream.not sure if this dream was partially or wholly influenced by my fear and being jumpy though last night thinking about another odd thing last week.
-that before bed after thinking about that sign i came across before walking into apartment and how nervous it made me,i came across an article that read perfectly for me with thinking about january when the same sign came and the article combined with remembering based on how it read gave me idea on affirmations to keep repeating to myself for the next few days to guide me. so i've been using those affirms today and am keeping my eyes open.
-sportsbras and my sportier style these days that i really like and flatters me very well
-a career opportunity for first career that came up
-that i can mold and turn my life around at any moment,and am right now shifting my reality.
-happiness
-all the amazing things i've manifested in the past,the miracles,the shocking things,the things that are just eerie that remind me of my power
-deciding that i'm closing out this month of may with lots of strong manifesting and vibration work. just what is needed after these last two months! i can't wait to see how life will be by june. it's going to be freaking good.
-the wind and how affirming it is for me. this sounds crazy but ever since i was young,i always felt like the wind spoke to me in sense..almost like the universe telling me it hears me. and,it's been very windy today!
-how great my body and backside was looking yesterday. and,it was when i was very happy. happiness clears perceptions. it really does.
-feeling excited for life and changes
-feeling powerful
-my best friend and how great he is at sending energy and encouraging him to focus on that more and that it might help him with his relationship ending pain he is going through.
-cleaning my bedroom last night
-feeling very grateful and deciding to continue that gratitude chain,at the least going for another hour like i did last night,but really going to try and keep it up for the whole day.
-best friend apologizing for being so rude to me yesterday and negative
-being able to also sit back and observe my thoughts
-

[buttercup]

a 2nd gratitude list again because i have the time and feel inspired to:
-the lemon water i am finishing up
-the beautiful sunset and staying on the porch for a bit watching it in quiet meditation
-the solfeggio frequencies i've listened today and how high and cleansed my vibration has been getting
-the desire to get a lot done i've been feeling today,which i think is an indicator of my vibration raising too
-calming down a good amount from the antsy feeling i have been having and also making it a goal of today to calm my antsy feelings to calm,non-expectation happy feelings and during a little check in writing i did in my notebook,remembering that non-expectation is actually the feeling i want,the key to manifesting,and what i want to immerse in.it's also a word i like that resonates easily.
-inspiration and desires
-my beautiful apartment
-living in the city i do
-my vitamins
-a nutrient rich meal
-laughing at life
-checking in with my feelings and even observing the change. since i'm doing so much spiritual work right now for the next two weeks or so,it's interesting to see. and recognizing antsy feeling could also be partially from knowing manifestations are near since that is a feeling that happens sometimes before something manifests,when you know something is about to come.
-knowing that though some things were just fear thoughts and completely untrue,it does feel like it's possible things in life ARE in a transition of some sort,and changing. it does seem like the month of may is/was a month of swirl and rotate...change.i didn't so much expect that.i thought this month would be more chill but very positive,and maybe bold,but instead it's been active but subtle and changing,and a lot more internal then ithought.i do feel like life is re-arranging itself and in the midst of it and it's not complete but just started sort of shifting.my mind thinks in metaphors of what i feel internally is going on.
-that my mind has gotten quieter,and how much quieter it always gets once my vibration is higher. this is why it's so much easier to manifest.and that i'm starting to get insights i can trust more gently coming to me
-socks for keeping my feet warm since it's chilly tonight
-leggings for keeping my legs warm since it's chilly tonight
-looking back at old texts from last year and seeing segments of time where life was somewhat normal and i had somewhat of a social life back then. i miss that.i miss having texts in my phone from people i met at parties
-one lesson i learned that next time i will not put off/block seeing people until certain work things have passed.i didn't need to do that.i don't know why i did. well,fear.a person can't live their like that. that was the biggest mistakes i made. being in that fear and blocking things deciding mentally in the month of may certain things can happen. and,look what happened,sure enough right away,first week of may he contacts me. loa always at work. just need to learn to observe your thoughts.i knew that would happen already though,i knew i was manifesting him for may,and making him wait,i thought it in the back of my head,but felt too unfocused like i had to wait until then,like i preferred it. and now i feel like how could it have been so long since we hung out.i know i did it,and so i can't get mad at him,or wonder why it's so weird because it's what i created,and i didn't need to. the only limiting belief i need to clear is that things with us are doomed to be this only seeing each other that often pattern since i created it this time,and last time.i see it easily with my thoughts. that's the block i need to remove. that's the block which has made me antsy in the last few days..that because it's been almost as much time as it had been the last time we didn't see each other for a few months..it'd be that way always,and never be how it was..last year when we hung out consistently. I created that. This whole time i've burning incense to clear blocks...this one is a block i needed to clear on my part...maybe that's why i felt antsy..because it was the block unfolding itself to be cleared.. Last year,it was me saying i need a break from him,i need to not see him for awhile,i'm not ready to see him yet(idk why i needed to be ready to see him?!),and then i started to feel like ok,i think i'd like to see him now,it'd be good for me,etc,etc and then i accepted his invite to his party. I appreciate all of this right now. I just cleared the block. This was important. The ONLY REASON me and him stopped hanging out consistently...........is because i wanted a break from him. I decided. I decided last year. That's why we drifted. He didn't give up on me,but also stayed away naturally without effort on my part. Same thing now. I've said in my head different type of things,but have blocked him. The ONLY difference is,last year,I let him back in without effort. I just decided,ok i'm ready to see him,and it manifested. This time,I blocked and then when ready to see him,i've not been letting him in. So,now the block is gone,and now I will allow him in. It's so weird how this hasn't been more apparent though it's been gently calling me. It's why i firmly believe what you seek is seeking you. At times,i've felt this thought,does he think i'm withdrawing from him...though i thought consciously is he withdrawing from me..but everything in reality is mutual! And,so when you decide/clear/align that you want something..that something wants,you,too! And,that's why when we see others we havent seen in awhile,it's funny. I've remarked in my head times when people seemed wounded they hadn't seen me in awhile and i'd be like in my head,well why didn't you contact me/etc/etc...I go through life feeling certain ways,others feel certain ways from me,but really,i've just not been in alignment,by blockage with my own thoughts that deep down inside don't feel "true" but that ego tries to convince me must be. This is profound. The block is now gone. Love these paradigm shifts,even if parts have already happened before and i'm just getting reminded again. I knew there was a reason i felt inspired to make another list!

[buttercup]

-listening to music that is fun and happy
-following what feels good and happy
-going tanning today
-tights
-sweaters
-tank tops
-interesting news stories
-happy,positive new stories
-coffee
-having my door open right now
-one sign so far today
-all the instagram likes
-how great my instagram page looks
-identifying that limiting belief i had last night and how inspiring that was to clear that energy blockage
-a nice sweet vegan breakfast
-water
-newness
-knowing that when you get yourself a little stuck,you may get unstuck within a moment,or it may take a few days,or a little longer,but stay determined,and focus on the progress.i can feel the progress being made as the little messes of energy blockages are getting cleared.
-tuning into my feelings and negative thoughts for a quick moment and asking why and self talk through vs just trying not to think about it,which is actually more helpful. positive self coaxing out of the negative thought seems to work better sometimes versus just straight out not thinking about it
-seeing things slightly starting to bloom a little
-having a great body
-how great my hair looks
-that today,i will focus more on visualizing and pre-paving in my free times
-sleep
-writing affirmations in my notebook before drifting to sleep which helped me to fall asleep with a calm mind and wake up in a good mood
-how great and healthy my teeth look
-knowing i can change my reality incredibly and miraculously at any moment
-getting in the vortex more and more
-a great spirituality blog i love and follow
-stretches
-getting myself excited which is great
-knowing I WILL manifest some amazing desires this summer,and right now and that i will stay on a vibration high more often and more consistently
-remembering fun
-opening myself more and more and feeling myself expanding a little bit towards more desires i'd like to experience and possibilities. i know this is key. openness. a great keyword.
-the power of happiness
-that i will manifest a miracle today
-my primary career and the benefits it offers me and the image and status it gives me
-higher self insights coming to me more and more that are aiding me in what to do
-my spiritual awakening. i was remembering last night,that i may not even be alive today with some of the things i went through if i hadn't gone through that spiritual awakening which gave me a faith,and tools,and understanding to fall back on with things
-that life is about to get very fun,and that i'm on the verge of arrival to the happy boat. my metaphor for where happiness is.
-all the amazing fun moments about to enter my reality,and how much of a match i am going to for them and how i am going to have more consistent amazing fun moments.
-the power of pre-paving
-correcting my thinking
-forgiveness
-that i am amazing,and deserve to manifest my desires
-that what you seek is seeking you
-that i am aligning with feeling:like i'm having so much fun,like life is exciting,social,connected,appreciated,included,val idated,secure,and free. i am aligning with the feelings of what i want to feel.
-that i am immersing in non-expectation. i expect nothing and it feels wonderful as it gets the how out of my thoughts,and allows me to be open with whatever beauty and wonder the universe wants to surprise me with and how amazing i KNOW it will be.
-that my mind is pretty focused
-all the amazing changes i am going to create
-miracles

[buttercup]

2nd list of the day,because i have the time:
-delicious food i enjoy to eat
-all the instagram likes
-a nice journaling session where i identified more blockages/limiting beliefs i had so now that is gone! journaling is underrated,it is such a great way to manifest,and raise vibration because it is so purging.i am just about there,really i am there.
-the sunlight coming out. :)
-how young my face looks and how much it is transforming lately
-deciding to be fearless and get out there and take a risk and going to a meetup tomorrow
-starting to see the possibilities a little more again
-insights guiding me along the way of each little step of what to do next,the next one whispering to me being to busy myself a little bit,and cut back on time spent with the spiritual work and more time on doing productive activities unrelated to spiritual work. i've slacked on 2nd career things the last few days so will spend a little time on that tonight.
-feeling ready to let go...as in let go of the spiritual work on the primary issues,and just flow. i'm there now,i just need to relax,follow happiness and feel good. i know what to do. i'm ok.

[buttercup]

wow. what an evening.i blame the incense.
-throwing my tarot deck in the garbage. yep! it's what started the anxiety which i know i should't play with those anyways since i don't believe in them. after that,i felt crazy and showered which led to
-me feeling like i have to just contact e. my thinking,the last block i had pretty much was well he invited me out 3 times in row maybe that would make him not want to try again since i've not made an effort. which is stupid but made me feel like i needed to at least try even though with certain obstacles,it wasn't ideal. so,after i got out of the shower,i did it knowing it wasn't ideal the circumstances but doing it,and taking the action of contacting about 5-6 other people too. e didn't respond right away then said he is out of town and he seemed more distant though i think also how i've felt has made me look so closely,it's blurring what is actually there.i was actually ok with him not being able to go.i think i even wanted him not to be able to go. i think i just wanted to make the contact so i'd know i made the effort so that block would be gone. i felt a relief after doing it. like,all the antsyness was finally gone.i did nothing odd,but ask a friend if he wanted to go to a party so there's no reason to feel weird. so there's that which i appreciate.
-on top of that,one of the blocks i had was putting off seeing people like E because i kept wanting to work on myself like i had to bring myself to some perfection before i could see people again to make the top best impression which is not very loving myself. so,that was the other block that's gone and now there is no blocks. i know now,even if imperfect,and a mess,i want to go out! and,i will not wait for perfect circumstances or attaining some perfect ideal to go out and live a little! i really believe the incense did all this. i kept having the slight thought of maybe i should contact him until i had so much anxiety i felt compelled to do it,like i HAD to do it.i do believe this was for the highest good,though,even though it came from a place of fear.the weird thing,too is right before i did it,the meetup i rsvped too was cancelled which made me feel even more like i had to do this.
-after most everyone said no to being able to go to the party i invited,i decided to go ahead and say yes to L with seeing him this weeken,because i need to just get out of the house and do something night-outish even if it's not ideal,most fun in the world plans ever. my higher self feels i just need some fun. so,me and L made plans. they are set and i feel confident i will do them this time instead of flaking on him like i did in march.i feel it'll be good for me.
-getting the surprise response that friend K,the one i email a lot,actually might want to go to event so that put me in a good mood because i may actually go now, and i had forgotten she actually likes those kind of events. she seemed eager about it. so i appreciate that and rsvping yes to the event. shortly after that,after e's delayed response after saying he wasn't available, i rsvped on fb to the event(it showing in newsfeed),he then replied to me which made me feel more relief,as it had felt off he didn't respond to the last text i had sent since i had thought he usually would. i'm convinced he is obviously affected/playing games which is a good sign,shows he cares. i believe this intuitively as well.
-during all the i must contact e drama i realized i need to fix one of the obstacles i have,which put me into action mode to finally find out what's going on with my bank account,and sign up for a new one so got that fixed. nice to have that taken care of since it's been on my mind for weeks now! another thing to be grateful for!
-feeling in such a good mood after all that happened,that i was actually laughing from the relief of energy and realizing how silly i've been. i've been so internally obsessive from being cooped up and not being social! it literally made me crazy. i feel so normal now. it's amazing. so much blocked energy has been cleared!
-playing on my phone and changing usernames and pic icons to funny,cute things that made me giggle
-finding out more good news that some privacy issues i had,actually have been resolved now. so grateful for the help from the two sources i contacted and finding my requests were approved. it's amazing. i'm a firm believer in the quote activity in one area of life generates movement in other areas of life and by deciding to be fearless and just say f--- it,and making a iniation of contact made me feel so free,and back to normal. i literally have no more need to do any spiritual work on that issue.i had just also been too focused on that one thing,and now feel like i've let go and see things with a more bird's eye perspective and expanded view which is so nice.
-a nice bath. water. feeling clean,and my p.rs for sending me such nice beauty products
-how amazing it is that when you step outside yourself and see things from a fearless perspective how things seem to be not much of not a big deal and how fear really takes things out of proportion and distorts.i also back feel now e sees look he isn't available too when i try inviting to something,so he can't get mad at me for not being available which really is nice,too. heck,maybe it even gave him anxiety that he couldn't go! i definitely believe something was going on with his taking time to respond to my last text.i think it helped ME to see i can't overanalyze if i'm not available for something because i just had someone show me a time they're not available. so it shows both ways which helps perspective and perception! don't make a big deal about things and go with the flow!
-black pepper vegan popcorn
-feeling like this day had more then just one point. it had several,it seems. what a full day.
-being able to talk to people and just confide in how stressful this month has been,and intense. a lot has gone on this month!
-feeling tired and like maybe i'll sleep well
-feeling like i did good work today and excited for how back to normal i can be tomorrow
-just feeling more fearless and confident from my actions today.
-relaxation!
-how excited i am for a new month

[buttercup]

-my incenses.
-coffee
-delicious food
-sleep
-feeling relief today and normal. so grateful.
-having a bank account now
-vitamins
-seeing how each little thing i've integrated seems to make a small weight loss difference
-sweaters,socks,and comfortable cozy clothing
-feeling more fearless now and ready to immerse in just being more fearless now
-having plans this weekend. everyone else goes and hangs out with people they only even having so-so interest in and im always so picky but i told this person as friends and they keep lingering on which makes me feel i should just go once. he can't be any worse from this D this fall can he? i think it'll be beneficial
-best friend applying to higher end places and actually taking positive actions
-getting living room cleaned
-reality checks. they don't have to hurt,just bring you down to earth. it's one thing to have a subtle inkling,a whole different thing to let it invade your mind and take over you. besides,from an loa perspective what manifests more likely? the subtle inkling which is actually the dominant thought or the whole mind being taken over which is just fear? it's the subtle. the subtle is where we get our power. it's where we have that feeling but allow that smidge of mystery,and doubt and uncertainty which keeps us in non-expectation which is keeping us in the flow of playing out the stories of our lives. i guess it's because we let the subconscious peek out,but when we let the whole mind being invaded that's actually our conscious mind and our subconscious in fear state. subtly command the subconscious. the conscious is useless with telling yourself things. it's no wonder lately when i'd do the affirmations i had about various things it felt like it was going nowhere.i don't think i was believing it.i will start loving the heck out of my subconscious more and commanding it. i think my subconscious has been out of control and could use some tlc(tender love and care)
-physical exercise
-how my phone looks now from all the pic and name changes. it's about the little things. it boosts my mood. one tip i'd give anyone is find the little things that make you feel even just a little better,and do them! when i was younger and suffered from depression,i'd think the little things things were meaningless but now at this point in my life,i know every little things that boosts your happiness,is HEALING. So,yes,if going for a short walk or sitting on the porch or watching a funny movie will make you feel even just a little better,just do it! it never fails me that 99% of the time if i'm feeling down,there's several things i've not been doing that have caused me to feel down such as maybe skimping on exercise or having not gone out in awhile or maybe slacking on meditating so always take a look and ask yourself what have you not been doing lately?
-talking with business partner more about our new career venture we are planting the seeds for
-focusing on productive things again today
-just feeling more faithful,and trusting again. it may not even be super 100% but it's a lot more then it was.
-forehead pulsations. since that's always my sign my third eye chakra is activating and i love it and how it feels
-great moisturizers
-music
-how beautiful my hair is
-body soreness since it tells me my body is being worked out
-how profound even a 30 second meditation can be.i stopped while writing the part about the subconscious part on this list for about 30 seconds and just allowed my mind to be quiet and felt so calm after and powerful and then have been feeling the forehead pulsations.
-being able to tune into myself and ask myself what i'm feeling and why. such as one thing for me is my fear that i'm getting older now and want to change my reality so i don't feel this feeling im having but i'm also having guilt which is blocking me a little bit,like i've had so many amazing things so who am i try and want to feel young and happy as long as i can? i feel the urge to get more life things together,and also have more fun and be young,wild,and free,but then there's fear like i'm not allowed to want to have more wild and free moments and to look and feel young,but that i need to only focus on getting the "practical" things together,and should be grateful i even have as much as i do now like an apartment,etc,etc. so,it's really silly the true me wants to keep reaching for more while appreciating what i do have,and just feel those feelings i desire with no guilt. i guess lately,there is slight sadness i'm not 18 anymore. of course,there is regrets. i could have done so much differently. but,that's what the next life is for. my deepest guilts are triggered by last year's sadness...that had i not gotten sucked into pains from when i was still in high school,i could have made different decisions and that life last year,and now and all the years in between could've been better. on the outside looking in,it looks like i've done so much,and am an amazing,kind person. but,the inner me is someone who turned down many things and didn't reach higher because of their own pains and who was a late bloomer. that's why i've envied certain friends i had met a few years ago. they seemed to have a fresh beautiful start and made fearless steps and seemed in my eyes to be doing it all right. the inner me,is someone who tried to make the best decisions for all involved but feels regret that it just wasn't better. it could've been so much better,and that makes me so sad. and it makes me feel unworthy. that's why a part of me is still the girl in high school who wants those feelings and admires that crush A because he gives her that feeling of him being the popular boy she was too shy to talk to when she actually was in high school. it's like i'm reaching for these opportunities to give me these certain feelings and trying to overcome inconsistencies in my head like the desires conflicting with the guilt. i'm a human being,and i make mistakes and can be selfish.i need to forgive myself. these memories from years ago,are petty and silly to anyone else if they knew,but to me are like trauma in my cells because i have trouble still moving on from them and they affect other areas of my life. who am i to try to fulfill this desire to the fullest my soul calls for it? who am i to have so many goals? all because of petty mistakes i didn't even mean when i was technically still a child...this month has been has been intense,geez
-relaxation,releasing resistances,clearing energy blockages
-hope

[buttercup]

-that i found my lavender oil. that oil is like magic. for some reason,i get so drawn to it,and find it so potent and stress relieving. who knew i'd end up so obsessed with lavender? it's become one of my favorite herbs.
-that for the first time,in a little while,i feel normal today.
-that its sunny out and the weather is nice today
-water
-coffee
-doing a really nice,simple,full 20 minute meditation on the porch and how effective it was
-that it looks like my friend K is going to come to the party with me coming up and has been emailing me regularly since i invited her
-all the blockages i released in the last few days thanks to the help of the incense i was using and am still using;going to clear up one last new blockage i picked up right before merc retrograde started with a meditation
-that i know my mental processes arent as acute because of mercury retrograde which explains why the bizarre fear started happening right when mercury retrograde happened.i know based on timing and when it first popped in my head,that it was just anxiety and ocd thought since it also came when i was in a fearful place and already thinking fearful thoughts,but it's still been in my head just slightly even though i've been working on clearing it. it's literally the last thing to clear on a certain issue,and it makes me happy it's mercury retrograde since it explains why also i had gotten so antsy and having the thought. in the first place. I know from experience mercury retrograde just makes mental processes weird like a blur and strange things happen. i'm grateful that i can look forward to june when it'll be over,and i can trust thought processes more,and life will feel even more normal and moved forward and i can 'see' the proof that all is well. and,all this proves even more,i didn't actually want e to be available for the one thing,i just wanted to do it,to contact him so that block could be removed. the universe is amazing.i am sincerely grateful he is out of town for reunion because i know that was the divine plan,that he wasn't meant to be available,but just meant to hear from me,and anxious on his own and that our divine plan is a little later from then to see each other again. it just FEELS so right.
-peanut butter cookies
-cleaning up a lot last night,dishes,kitchen,frontroom organizing,bathroom.i felt compelled to clean a lot of the aparrtment last night as if it would make my feel better and it is so weird because it really did. it made my headache go away,and really lifted my mood and made me think much more clearly like a fog had been lifted. that was literally the last thing i did before i felt normal again.
-that i can change my reality at any moment
-that i can manifest anything and all the insane reality bending miracles i've manifested before that i'm reminded myself of to boost my mood and remind myself of my power
-finding hypnosis audios on music site i like that i can listen to which is exciting,i listened to one last night. quieting my mind is one of the biggest things for me.
-some really great loa vlogger channel from a blog i already liked that i watched before bed. she said some things that really made me intrigued and feel happy.i didn't agree with everything,of course. i'd still like to find more loa teachers who integrate subjective reality,since i don't find many who seem to believe in that,and i've had it affirmed for me too many times as a very basic aspect of truth. loa becomes much easier when you embrace that aspect. and,when i first discovered loa,subjective reality was something i took to naturally without outside info as it made sense.
-how great my third eye chakra feels. it feels open,clear,and getting pulsations which is really nice.
-getting a job offer on linkedin
-that life feels just a bit more blossoming today
-sleep,and that i slept well and fell asleep nice and easily last night
-seeing little processes and ways of thinking that builds to change the perceptions easily and naturally with thoughts and how effective it is changing them little by little.
-focusing on the subconscious more today
-great work ideas coming to me
-things that seem interesting to try
-feeling powerful today
-roommate eating lunch at apartment today
-that something amazing is going to happen either today or tomorrow
-that i get to blog in a little over a week again. i've been craving it for a week or two now.i miss having that outlet
-how normal life is getting,and how wonderful that is.
-how amazing the next month is going to be. i can feel it.
-how when you dedicate yourself to the work of feeling better,and happiness,it will pay off.
-throwing out the tarot deck the other day. that right there,was me taking back my life.

[buttercup]

what an amazing day,it just keeps getting better and better.
-that i shifted realities. it was so amazing.idk what happened besides i kept doing the spiritual work and was doing very well but still had the slight i need to maintain feeling. i kept getting third eye chakra forehead sensations.i did some incense with singing bowls music remembering how that always makes the incense even more powerful and that really really made a difference.it was after that,that my forehead was going nuts for the whole night. i listened to some crown chakra audios and now,it's finally hit me the importance of these! i used to think for awhile now that once you get to third eye,that is fine,it is key for manifesting and insights,but omg the crown delves you even deeper and links to reality shifting. from here,all these crazy connecting insights came to me and going into "advanced loa." i noticed a glitch in the matrix type thing happen,my mind felt extremely smooth,and clear,like nothing could shake it,no doubts could enter,and i just felt different...like i entered a different reality. like,i just felt so certain of it.i've had these feelings before but before i believed in parallel realities thought it just meant my manifestation was done,though i also felt like something was different,and i didn't have to do anything more,it felt like i entered a different reality though i couldn't pin the words for that feeling. and then in fall,when i'd have these feelings and did believe in reality shifting and understood it,i just thought it had to do with randomness or a specific style of meditating.i never thought of it relating to the crown which now i do. on top of that,all these clicks came to me about previous paradoxes some speak of that makes sense such as in a way,if you ever want to manifest something,the things that seem "impossible" especially if you believe in objective reality,freewill,etc,etc then you just have to think of the concept as reality shifting since that can't possibly interfere with either of those concepts and we are shifting realities constantly,really! even when we don't know it,and often when we manifest,or the bigger manifestations,we are reality shifting. last night,i felt more affirmed then ever of subjective reality,and that we can have ANYTHING we desire via the loa. heck,even the things happen for a reason concept started to get shucked out the window,though this was inspired by a vlogger i watched who teaches loa. i even reflected for a moment on my favorite belief serendipity and how it's 100% real....but not at all real for someone like my best friend for example,so who is right? We BOTH ARE.The universe knows I love serendipity and living my life in that fashion and how much it excites and soothes me but it does nothing for my best friend. Serendipity is only real,because i chose it as as belief system. EVERYTHING is a belief system,loa is the underlying basic truth,and there are no exceptions. The reality shifting concept has been something i learned of this last late summer,and has been a fundamental aspect of my spiritual evolution. It is so key to inner peace and evolving past loa limitations. I don't know what happened,because i felt pretty damn good and just kept doing the work,and whoa ever since,yes,i shifted realtiies. my mind feels so wonderfully clear,and all that i worried about a few days ago,and this past month is freaking gone! i just know my manifestations are done,too. I will never underestimate the crown chakra again,that took me over the edge.i so appreciate all these insights,feeling empowered again,crown chakra music,crystal and tibetan singing bowls music,and powerful incense,gltiches in the matrix,and that feeling that it's done and you no longer need to do anymore work and just how amazingly clear my mind feels. wow.it's such a high.
-my headhpones
-vegan dark chocolate with cherries,and honestly,how spiritual chocolate it is. it really is.i started to feel inkling of this,and feel it even more. the funny thing is,when you get really activated in your upper chakras(third eye and crown,that is),you start to seem spacey,crazy and out there. i notice this with certain very advanced loa teachers and other spiritual people,and feel this in myself when i'm really high vibrating,but i love it. you can just tell there's a lot of energy going on in their crown chakra.
-coffee
-how freaking sunny it is today. love it
-going with the flow
-how much work business partner got done today and showed me. wow.
-texting with l last night.
-all the deep cleaning i did with bedroom last night,and throwing things out. wow. it really cleared some energy
-sleep. i slept a lot though for some reason. but,it was good sleep,deep sleep. :)
-being slender. and having hardly any body flaws. of course,when i'm high vibrating,and just cleared energy,ALWAYS,always my body looks better,and more attractive
-yoga shorts
-how happy,high,and excited i feel today! i love it.
-skin being tanner then it used to be for example one year ago today
-crown chakra. i appreciate this so much
-happy animal stories
-being affirmed in spiritual truths,even if some sound crazy,and i can't share them with anyone,except best friend.i love gping deeper down the rabbit hole,and when i get super,super happy,and crown chakra is getting some energy,freaking ridiculous manifestations happen that again are surreal,dream,like and like i shifted realities(never used this term back then when it'd happen but it's the same feeling now i have so i accredit to the same thing). yes,yes,i will never underestimate the crown again. can go so much higher then third eye feelings!
-the feeling freaking awesome things are about to happen!
-that i don't worry about protein anymore like i used to and still get enough unlike last summer
-lavender oil
-how just a few days of throwing out stupid tarot in the trash and i'm already quickly back to myself,the true me,and true reality of how things work.
-feeling patient,in the flow,yet willing to be spontaneous
-happy animal stories
-being kind hearted
-that i can just let my mind be now,without trying too hard to control or worrying about it going out of control. seriosuly,chakra work is so key to controlling the "monkey mind."
-meditation
-feeling like i want to dance,because all is well and life is back to normal,but going to get better

[buttercup]

-cheeseless pizza
-lemon water
-omega vitamins and how easy it's been to be thinner since starting them and my body seeming tighter despite not working out as much last few days
-pink roses,and roses in general
-that my strong incense is gone,and now i can use my softer heart-chakra focused ones instead
-the body scrub i've been using and how amazingly smooth it makes my skin
-how good i've gotten at makeup from the tips i put together for me since march and also not trying so hard after learning what makeup artist showed and taught me and said
-getting ticket to party tonight
-that i can relax now after another really stressful,anxiety ridden day where i felt like a crazy person
-going shopping today
-coffee
-that i get over post drinking hangover much easier since becoming vegan. very interesting!
-nightlife
-nice lounges with trendy cocktails and djs
-friendly staff
-deciding to go ahead and go out with l last night after feeling like i needed to get out and get space and how i tend to regret saying no pretty often anyways and having a better time then i thought. hearing him say one of the things he likes about me,and is why he is there and is interested in me is my teeth was very interesting to me and made me feel confident since it's my insecurity and i never thought it could be a reason for someone's interest in me and he listed 3 qualities he likes in girls,and the kind of teeth i had was one of them. also,little things,like he unfollowed this girl on ig i told him about which impressed me and little things like the 2nd place having a charger for my phone since my phone was low was very funny and interesting. just getting out again was fun. though,my my mind thought of E several times.
-feeling the movement of energy in life after buying ticket to party today,like it just moved energy for other desires and also just seeing how k bought her ticket right while i was out with L proved my limiting belief right,that i need to go out with L to move energy for other desires.
-seeing the fun sides of L,and how much he likes me,and how work-wise it could be really beneficial.
-stretches and how good they make me feel
-sleep,though i've had a lot of weird dreams lately,including this morning of someone trying to slaughter me with a razor and then last week,an abusive ex.
-how great my legs look
-the great weather today
-that my life seems really glamourous to others,even if to me it just seems like a facade or not a big deal
-how quiet it is right now
-best friend coming back after my anxiety today
-hair clips
-cool photo editing mobile apps
-taking my mind off E a little bit the last 24 hours
-chakra healing music
-that tomorrow can be a fresh start
-trying new things,expanding myself,being more confident
-face massage,face yoga,simple face moisturizer and tea tree oil
-my style
-the fashion industry
-knowing cool people
-getting rid of limiting beliefs
-being myself
-my tastes in things
-how great my skin is looking lately,despite having soda i usually break out from twice this week and being very stressed and crying,yelling
-being an interesting person. i tend to be one of the,if not the,most interesting person a person meets which is funny,i never set out to be that,but then i am the girl with odd viewpoints and lots of life stories
-comfort
-being open and trying new things

[buttercup]

-great weather today
-a good day today
-summertime vibes
-music playing from the neighbor's homes
-vegan burritos
-coffee
-water
-lemons
-vegan food
-a nice walk today at my favorite park
-seeing more abundance today and feeling more appreciative and realizing how much i have to be grateful for this month. things like this give me insight into how depression vs happiness works. depression is seeing things very much like in a tunnel/a fogged view of reality. happiness is an expanded view. depression moods feel like your trapped and in an enclosure. happiness is feeling unlocked.
-the shift of energy today,and feeling like june will be a great month.
-omega vitamins
-vitamin e vitamins
-vitamins in general
-my interests
-roommate getting a box of supplements that intrigued me to read and take an interest in.
-e having left my mind quite a bit,and only popping in from time to time,and when he does,it's in a lighter,non intense,way and i can feel the subconscious negative thoughts i had before have been re-wired since i feel the back of my mind thoughts now and they're much more different,normal,and positive. cleaned up really. having a more balanced view of things again,too which is key. i like him,i just click with him. you can't change how you feel but what hurts me is how he never really ever made me feel special.i realized this laying down the other day after more calmness. i also can't help but feel like,i thought i knew him pretty well,but now feel like i hardly know him at all and how weird that feels and i don't like it,and then i have the subconscious thought that something is going to happen to change my view on that,and correct it,very soon,and that this is just part of the energy back and forth play of the story
-roses
-all the really great,and cool pictures i've taken
-my taste in things and sense of who i am,my style
-the wonderful glow my skin has these days
-how tight my body has gotten and shaped up
-that my facial features just look different. it's slight but there. my eyes look different,almost a different color and more clear. my skin is glowier. my face,especially around the eye area looks much brighter and younger and my skin is just overall more clear.i also am more happy with my facial features and my skintone looks just a little more warm and sunny,tan complected. i love it.
-all the beauty,wellness,happiness tweaks and tips i've integrated and learning in the last year
-how loose my clothes feel today
-yoga
-yoga on the porch and how great it feels
-my yoga mat
-not trying to hard anymore,and feeling more breezy about things
-rose incense
-learning things and being a nonconformist
-feeling like i just want to say yes to everything this summer,and like maybe i will
-possibilities and potential
-laughing at haters and their transparent actions
-fun and letting myself have some of it
-seeing the benefits of hanging out more with l and that maybe it'd not be so bad,and how much it flatters that he is into me
-my living room being nice and clean
-relaxation
-happiness
-great ideas
-feeling ambitious and productive
-feeling like i've come back to myself quite a bit
-that i'm attractive and so have lots of stories that are interesting in my life because of it
-meditation
-how easy it is to get protein now

[buttercup]

-rose incense
-crystal singing bowls
-lemon water
-coffee
-great weather today
-being more ig active
-loving myself
-pictures of myself i love
-having thin legs
-how great my face expressions are
-going tanning today
-that my skintone has changed
-the sun
-clouds
-vegan popcorn
-calm days
-being enigmatic
-random bold things i say
-food art
-trying new things
-how skinny i am
-creativity and art
-feeling more in the flow
-meditation
-all the things to try and explore
-hypnosis audios and how amazingly relaxing they are
-best friend being nicer lately
-best friend being more productive and helping them with their cover letter
-doing a nice theta intention setting exercise before bed last night
-the lock screen on my phone
-how flexible my lower back is
-yoga
-seeing more abundance and possibility again
-how much my face has changed and how much i love it
-my vitamins
-being productive
-inspirations
-motivation
-great poetry
-having accumulated favorites over the years;books,colors,herbs,flowers,poems,sculptures, and so on. a few years ago,i didn't have many favorites,i was still exploring so much. so it seems it's an aspect of growing up a little that i now have more favorite things.

[buttercup]

-that my body is detoxing
-how loose my clothes are fitting
-yoga pants
-how beautiful my hair is
-how amazing my eyes look
-flowers
-sweet things said by l which make me feel good
-embracing mercury retrograde
-vitamins and supplements
-all the beauty and wellness things i've been integrating and will integrate to increase my attractiveness and happiness
-coffee
-water
-beauty
-having model features
-hypnosis and the wonderful hypnosis audio i've been listening to daily lately
-feeling my facial muscles as tension is released. it is so amazing and interesting to me to see how stress and energy blockages are carried in the facial muscles and how hypnosis actually relaxes the facial muscles
-lemons
-things i want to try and having a passion for minerals,nutrients,vitamins and other natural plants and such to increase wellness and beauty
-exercise throughout the day
-yoga and how great it feels
-the lock screen on my phone
-the sun coming out today
-the affirmation "i deserve to be here." which is amazing for anxiety and feeling insecure about the little things/indecision/and ocd
-how great my instagram page is looking
-getting the bank errand done
-cleaning the kitchen last night
-the delicious nourishing dinner i made last night
-how easy it is now to get protein
-how light exercise is adequate now for me to meet my body goals
-scalp massages
-face massage and yoga
-clearing energy and resistances and how good it feels
-changing subconscious beliefs i had and how great it feels
-how much calmer these days have been
-interesting things to read
-happy animal news and cute and inspiring videos and news
-desires to travel to inspiring places for spiritual reasons
-pillows
-healing
-how amazing it is that we are self healing
-inspiration in general
-my creativity and ideas
-clouds
-massage
-best friend being productive and ambitious
-moisturizers
-music,sounds,and the ability to hear
-my plans this weekend i'm looking forward to
-innocence and appreciating the inner child,babies,animals,and innocence in others
-positive possibilities
-gently commanding my subconscious
-my wisdom and kindness
-using pain as inspiration
-being inspired by others who have been through a lot and found peace
-feeling relaxed

[buttercup]

-style
-my tastes in things
-great curation and my skill at it
-instagram
-feeling confident
-great weather
-new financial goals
-the sun
-coffee
-sleep
-waking up feeling very happy,and optimistic about the future
-rose incense
-deciding 1 of two things;a financial goal/thing i'm starting and deciding to challenge myself to a yes challenge to start saying yes to a lot more things and be more fearless where normally i'd say no because i don't want to or am hesistant. being inspired by my favorite movie,yes man.i feel this will very beneficial to me in a multitude of ways and am so excited
-reflecting while listening to throat chakra music last night and finally feeling a sense of calm about the whole since this time last month and like i'm where i should be,and things happened for a reason,and i've gotten through the muck and now lighter,funner,times with positive changes are ahead.it was so nice to finally have very clear intuition and forthsight about where i was headed during this reflection,like i just knew certain things that were positive with no doubt and with ease and felt like all was well about the last 30/31 days or so.it was so great.i haven't had that clear of intuition in awhile.
-happy music
-seeing abundance again
-possibilities
-metaphysics
-good food
-pillows
-physical exercise
-capturing zen moments with my camera that i appreciate
-my porch and how zen it is
-feeling some possibility about the future finally,unstuck about some things and patterns changed in a positive way about others
-feeling calm and positive about ocd past mind wanderings and feelings of guilt and distorted perceptions
-positive energy,and high vibe blogs where i can feel the energy in them
-my experiences
-tibetan singing bowls
-being relaxed,in the flow,and seeing things in a clear way that is positive,soothing,and realistic
-being able to be barefoot
-feeling like time is on my side
-being an interesting person
-how toned and tight my body is
-denim cutoffs
-meditation and wonderful ideas and insights that come to me during meditation
-trying less hard,and feeling more relaxed
-getting bedroom cleaned
-"i deserve to be here." affirmation and how powerful it's been for me
-feeling insights about my purpose in life,and why i'm here and embracing aspects of me that i fight with
-accumulating more ig followers
-feeling like so many amazing things can happen for me and seeing the possibilties but also not overthinking and just knowing i can create and change anything! just feel so filled with possibility.
-detoxing
-the lock screen on my phone
-how amazing my cheekbones are
-evolving and sticking to things i'm wanting
-water
-being able to chat with best friend about how i feel,my goals,the weird feelings i have about time and feeling old and how i've been feeling older because i've been telling myself i'm actually a year older then i am,which probably made an effect.
-my child-like side
-innocence
-animal advocacy and animal activists
-the new things and changes and path unfolding and slightly turning that i can feel happening in the moment
-my higher self

[buttercup]

-coffee
-cinnamon french toast sticks
-water
-happy music
-warm weather
-clothes i love
-things to look forward to
-little things changing in a way that is reassuring
-cool little possible "glitches in the matrix" such as today,i went to cabinet and had TWO boxes of coffee somehow,even though yesterday I was out,and had only one purchased. so weird!
-tuning into my feelings,even the negative and insecure,and asking myself questions that can be helpful
-having financial goals
-rose incense
-feeling like a new me since throwing tarot in the garbage. at times it's uncomfortable when i want an answer to why someone is behaving a certain way,but then i remind myself to align,be and be happy and that,that's truth. it may be a little more effort,but it's more empowering. I create my reality. I feel more freed,rational,and mature since throwing them out. Reality is subjective and what I choose it to be,not what a tarot card says. It's also played a huge part in me believing in things being more limitless and full of possibility
-cool colors and art that is made even with a camera phone
-my eye,my vision
-my face
-third eye chakra music and a nice intention setting exercise before bed
-pronoia and my belief in,and seeing it in effect more as soon as this morning after setting an intention about it last night before bed. very cool.
-my mind being slower from meditation and hypnosis,i can really feel a difference,i am just a lot more calmer and mind much more slower
-cleaning the bathroom last night
-less overthinking
-my confidence
-saying yes to life more
-headphones
-being cool

[buttercup]

idk what happened but yesterday wasn't very good. it all started when i woke up and i just felt weird,like i couldn't explain it,just a weird feeling. i then noticed 1-2 things that were like "glitches in the matrix." It made me think did i switch realities or something,and maybe everytime we have that weird feeling like how i had,we are sensing that. from there,l was being very distant towards me which had started the night before technically.it was lowering my vibe and i had to recognize that i was feeling feelings of attachment and was trying to ask myself what could this teach me. he ignored one of my questions,never even answering it,then just asking what i'm doing tonight.i was mad and didn't answer,then two hours later started venting about something else to which he said that he can leave me alone if i want. which,i took to mean,he is ending it with me. not that we are anything,but still. acting all weird towards me suddenly,ignoring me and then saying that? it hurt a little because one thing,i thought i could count on and was just a little warming up towards the idea of was now going away.i realized,actions speaks somewhat,and that his actions are someone who can't work for me anyways.i also felt an odd sense of calm while talking about this and other things that seemed to not be going well last night to a friend,like i need to just let things be unpleasant and chaotic and not try to control and just trust that it's bringing me what i desire,or closer to what i desire.i just felt intuitively like something i want is right smack about to happen,and that this was a darkness before the dawn type of thing going on. one of the biggest,and most painful lessons i've ever learned is when things seem to be going chaotic,and unpleasant,don't resist it,because when you do,you block your blessings. They will still come in,but you can enjoy them more fully when you let go of the plan/the way/the how in your head,and trust the universe. We block because of our desperation to control,our fears,and all that even when it's becomes so ridiculous that we end up pushing away our dreams because of that! Just freaking let go! A painful life lesson i've learned before. So,if nothing else,one thing i've take with me,is to try and surrender that this is part of the plan to bring me something and i can't see the universe's way,which knows more then i do about my desires. i guess i'm embracing pronoia more easily and naturally now. It's just with how l was being,i also had the one girl say she may not be able to go to the event with me,which was very interesting timing after an article i read,and also ex A contacted me which made me very mad because he seems to be contacting me every time he suspects i have something else going on like he wants to make sure i don't get in deep with anyone! it's very weird. he never used to call me,and then he does,and at a time where it's more likely i'd be out. Oddly enough,i feel somewhat calm about everything,but i also noticed my vibration has attracted me to feel negativity thoughts and feelings about violence and money today,such as hearing a crazy violent news story at a popular place near me and scarcity thoughts about money and thinking how expensive things are. Mind has wandered a little today,and i've noticed i have anxities about traveling to certain places because i've attracted things that have made me more anxious compared to last time i was there. it's odd thinking i'm a much more timid,scared person then a few years ago.
-coffee and how especially good it tastes today
-my cinnamon french toast sticks breakfast with fruit spread which also tasted especially good today
-water
-hypnosis audios
-going with the flow
-feeling relatively calm
-tuning into myself pretty well;being honest with my feelings.
-the little glitches in the matrix because it makes me wonder and speculate
-positive spirituality articles
-realizing what a heck of a full month it has been,and it didn't seem to move as fast either. very interesting
-pictures,and how much i have editing them with filters and techniques. it truly could be a hobby how much i enjoy to take pics,artistically adjust them,and curate them
-reflection and being able to ask myself questions,soothe myself,be honest with myself and so on
-ex A calling me. because even though i didn't answer,vented about it after,and won't contact him,it feels nice to be thought of.
-seeing L for what he really is,even if it's not a fun one. it just is weird and annoying that right when i start to warm up a little to the idea of him,he does this. i have no doubt in my mind he did this to get back at me,either for not hanging out with him before he went out of town,or jealousy over something or a combination and this,in combo with several other things from him are very red-flag to me. still,i feel he will hit me up again but after this,what can happen? i can't hang out with someone like that. loss of potential. when something ends,or dies,that's what is a big part of it is. the potential of what could've been/the desires and dreams then become killed. it's really sad. what also bothers me is it keeps coming down to sexism for me. everytime i lose or reject something that is male,it's like i lose out on something in one way or another and it's frustrating. whether it's a guy's money,or being taken out,or career opportunities,it just seems every thing that is male is either a gain if you say yes to it or a loss if you don't and that really is upsetting. it may very well be a limiting belief or inaccurate perception but it's what i'm currently dealing with. the idea that all these things i've said no to have led to losses and the benefits of saying yes. it just seems unfair that when men don't get a girl or a girl says no,they still get all that they have. men are constantly using their money and resources over you and it sucks. i also feel if l really liked me,he wouldn't have acted like this so either he is being abusive or has been fake the whole time. it is so stupid and makes no sense except that it's suspicious behavior based on what he just posted on ig of only even being in town where he is at now for a few days but then getting so rushing for me to see him before he goes and angry at me.
-my face
-telling myself repeatedly that whatever is meant to happen,will be happen,will be
-exploring my desires in life
-stretches
-my best friend
-feeling optimistic about the future still
-sleep
-the rain
-dental floss
-face wash
-soothing feelings
-light
-my teeth
-all the new ig followers
-that i get to blog again in a little over a day

[buttercup]

-coffee
-muffins
-how great food has been tasting lately
-water
-how toned and sculpted my arms
-how tight my body is
-being able to blog again and how great it's actually been for me.i can't help it,i am someone who derives benefit from an outlet to express,it's a part of my being.
-E texting me last night.it actually dipped my mood a little bit after though.it happened after some great advice i got from my book im reading that clicked with me and made me understand things in a whole new way,and it came straight after i blogged about E.i started to sense right when i think he read it. a few days after the first post,and about a day or two after the 2nd post. it was weird how i sensed that.i didn't think he'd go to it right away june 1,i assumed he'd be too busy to even think to.and he was busy and out of town,but around the time i noticed he got back,was when i got that feeling. sure enough,two days after i got that feeling,i got a text and before that text signs he was thinking about what to do. i'm flattered he is checking out the blog. the text was so mundane,that at first instinct,i was knew it was because of the blog,and even felt fearful,like i wasn't ready which was stupid of me,but then it was such a mundane text that i felt better. until after,when i got mad about it. i even started questioning it thinking maybe he just was using me and really wanted to know. like,you and me have hardly hung out lately,and you ask me that? it's weird. it was a question he could've asked the guy friend he hangs out with and talks to more then me who would know the answer and who if he is doing this thing,would probably be helping him with that anyways,so it was just a really weird pointless text. the fact that he could've asked that guy,and it would make more sense to and i'm sure he'd already be working with him on that anyways and wouldn't need my help in the slightest just made it seem like the obvious,oh he's looking for an excuse to say something to me and i replied saying not really,maybe so and so would know. it's just is it so hard to just try having a normal conversation with me asking how am i,or inviting me out like he used to? he's very blocked. i just got so mad later thinking about this. then,i had empathy and realized,you never know someone's story.i know he isn't very experienced with dating. i read something online that said for all you know a guy may have never asked a girl out. and to forgive them for their blunders. and,i KNOW from seeing how he is,that he is clueless and super scared with talking to girls. like he's extremely fearful. it's weird. and doesn't make sense. and,so i think that kiss must have meant a lot to him,more then i know. but he is just such a jerk to me. having always treated me less special then everyone else around,that all i can think is,with all that,he better be in love with me. the best thing is,i cleared a lot of energy blockages I had about the situation with me and him,and feel no rush now for us to hang out again,and trust there is no need to rush,and all is well. i'm grateful he texted me. and that i chose to blog in vague about him. i needed to let that out. i'm starting to sense him more then ever in why he does things and how he panics in his mind. my new thing now is whenever something happens to remind me of him,i listen to the song,i deemed that reminds me of us that i love.
-sitting on the porch,nightskies,and how amazingly high it raised my vibration the other night.it shot me straight into the vortex thinking of all the summetime things i want to do,the possibilties,and how summer blooms and is lucid and is the best time for manifesting because it's the season most on your side for it. that was huge,from that point on,i felt limitless again and like this summer is going to be amazing
-identifying a limiting belief recently i had that was bigger then i thought that just came to me easily,and that after that,my vibration also really rised ever since. that and the porch session happened same night i think,or around same time,and i've been so happy ever since.
-that night my friend flaked on me,and L stopped speaking to me,i felt miserable,and went for a drive. i had this heightened awareness in my pain of why these things happened,that gave me solace,and healing realizing deep down i didn't want to go that party not in that way,and things like how certain things happened because i enjoy the drama of it,and at some time wanted it,and just seeing how my thoughts create.i hadn't experienced a heightened awareness like this since like 2009 or so. i literally looked my demons in the face.i remembered how everything now,is from what i wanted in the past,and there's a time gap between manifesting and how that's why gratitude is important,because when we forget to be grateful for now,were forgetting we at one time wanted what's in our lives.from then on,i realized i had a lot and more then i realized and started seeing abundance again and feeling plenty. i realized just because i don't have some things i want,doesn't mean,i can't be really really grateful for what i do have right now. that night i didn't go out,i decided to rent a movie and chose. the movie was weird but then some parts really spoke out to me suddenly very much and one of the authors in particular. it was like exactly what i was going through,and was like a spiritual experience similar to 09,like life was speaking to me.i then bought one of his books.i'm grateful for all of this,and for a little later after that,at the park,having the feeling that everything is as it should be,and may happened for a reason,and things are going to get better.i just felt an acceptance and surrender.i realized someone like the girl who flaked on me is someone i don't really super want to hang with anyways. she is lower vibe in a lot of ways.i didn't like that i bought ticket to a party i could've went to for free and then didn't even go. so,of course,i wasn't even in alignment with going. it all made sense. i learned a lot from that ending of may and first few days of june that started with me calming and becoming aware and then my vibration shooting up and being really high ever since. a little more patience then usual was key with this one. may was very intense is why
-the gratitude i even felt for L,even though he disappeared and others,who allowed me to share a moment of pain i deemed petty and told me that wow,that is a big deal,and gave me a moment of prescence. that was very healing
-the book i got in the mail and how amazing it is.i didn't know i could feel high from a book,but it was that good so far
-yoga and finally having a yoga flow sequence of my own that takes up about 15 minutes
-changing my workout again to a way i like
-new music and how fun that is
-cool pictures,and things to discover
-cool art,fashion videos,songs,and so on
-all the momentum going on in the vegan community right now
-finally finding an aloe vera plant. and less then $2 bucks a leaf. funny how that,and the E text came when i felt very high vibration,no cares in the world,and completely non-expectant. that time on the porch really did something to me,along with certain things in my book that clicked for me explaining old things in a way i grasped better then ever before that made it a cinch to apply
-removing limiting beliefs. my new thing is to every so often,do something to identify one.i figure even just finding one a month to clear would lead to a lot change.
-all the fun things i've already done since the weather got warmer.i do have abundance
-getting inspired and having M make a page so i can preview it on ig,that is meaningful and looks amazing and something i'm excited to share.
-deciding i will find a way to officially share my vegan story,since i never have yet
-meditation sessions on the porch
-feeling more safe and secure again
-deciding to get some work done today and be focused and productive
-upcoming job this weekend and transportation all figured out that is easy
-how tan my skin is now
-going for a healing walk in the forest recently
-going to an italian restaurant closeby recently
-having wanted to try vegan pizza back in january and how have tried several times. the little things of manifesting. :)
-that i'm working out more again and sweating
-my first career
-getting my time of the month,because it's always relaxing
-that mercury does direct now
-chakra healing musics
-being myself
-transforming myself
-seeing inspiration all around me like E doing this amazing thing recently that sounds so fun that's basically a camp for adults where you go do outdoor activities and have parties at night with dj's and seeing this one girl who does what i do who got into it much later then me at like the age of 34 or 36 posting how she uses to live a very conservative life,dress very conservative,etc and how she didn't even go to a club for the first time until she was 34 and she is someone i see posting pictures at the club all the time(she has to be about 36 or 37 now judging on when i met her and her age then) and she looks hot,like a playmodel model so it shows that there's people all around me doing things despite the limits society puts on us. As long as I still want to do things,i will find a place for me. i don't need to rush things to happen,i can just smile and be inspired by those around me while following my path.
-summertime and wonderful summer vibes
-italian ice
-finding life interesting and fascinating
-books
-nightskies
-clouds,the sky,summertime rain,and taking pictures of it
-flowers,colors,and the vibrancy of life
-being inspired by those i've met,and those around me instead of feeling disempowered. i've felt too disempowered lately comparing to those around me and feeling hopeless instead of being me,following my path,and being inspired by the amazing people i've met. i've met and know people doing amazing things despite society's limits and that makes me feel amazing
-feeling filled with life
-amazing thing to look forward to
-best friend getting an amazing animal advocacy hat
-enjoying life,and the unfolding of it
-being smart
-being deemed as sexy
-how great my teeth are
-how blessed i am

[buttercup]

-lemons
-aloe vera
-water
-mason jars
-carrot juice
-feelings of excitement
-positive signs
-vegan chocolate
-that E read my blog
-that heightened awareness feeling i've been having where insights start whispering to me including one today about e
-all the limiting beliefs i've been clearing and how amazing it feels
-feeling limitless
-being productive and getting work done
-ideas for what i want to do with my life
-laughter
-how high my vibration has been
-how tight my body is
-the book i've been reading and how amazing it is
-chakra healing music
-nightskies
-how unique,beautiful,and young my face looks
-how amazing and worthy i am
-my beauty p.rs
-feeling like i can take over the world
-physical exercise
-good music
-how easy it is to be high vibration when you identify a limiting belief ruminating in your mind and clear it
-youtube and the power of it to create positive change
-feeling more present
-scalp massages
-how amazing my hair looks
-creation and all the amazing things that can happen
-my flexibility and that i can do frog splits
-old school men
-great skincare products
-fun
-the magic of life
-speeches that pump me up
-time moving soo much slower ,love it
-learning and things clicking in new ways
-sweaters

[buttercup]

-anahata incense
-crystal singing bowl audios
-great weather today
-my style
-my unique beauty i'm starting to love again
-my eyeglasses
-sleeping a little better
-fashion
-detoxifying
-summer time vibes
-clearing limiting beliefs
-being happier this month,and feeling the magic of life again
-loving myself
-meditation
-my phone
-all the people on ig who choose to follow me
-the amazing book i've been reading
-the transformation i've undergone this year,and am undergoing currently
-spiritual work
-my job tomorrow i'm so excited for
-water
-coffee
-entertainment
-signs,and life speaking to me. so eerie. one thing is,for no reason whatsoever,it's not the last song played or anything alphabetical order,or first song saved or anything,but the song i consider my song that makes me think of E a lot,keeps showing up on spotify. it did this the other day,and now again today,as soon as i log on,it's showing that song as if for me to play as if it was the last song played when it wasn't. it's so odd and i can't figure out why it does that,but everytime it happens,it's making me stop and think so i do believe it's a sign.i've felt very aware since i blogged about E and then getting the feeling he read it.
-beauty and grooming products
-comfort
-going for a night drive last night,and feeling the wind in my face and how high that makes me feel
-clouds
-physical exercise
-frankincense and how the smell always reminds me of 2010,a powerful year for me,and summer,when i first started using it. summer of 2010. that summer i felt invincible and i've been getting flashes of 2010 lately. i've very inspired by that time in my life and last august as life seemed to wake up to me and speak to me,and i'd feel so high on life,it was like drugs. i'd feel like a crazy person and it was magical. i'm trying to immerse myself in that feeling and the inspiration of it a lot
-open chakras
-laughter and things that are funny
-more ease in controlling my mind and feeling more present
-how calm and relaxed i feel about time
-relaxation and releasing of resistances
-happy moments and happy memories
-feeling hopeful,and filled with positive expectations but not of the how's of things in life,just that all is well,and good is coming
-magic
-heightened awareness,intuitive insights coming to me to ask myself questions about why and my path

[newfreedom]

Gratitude list. What are you grateful for today?

For my Hoover
For my Bedroom
for the capacity to hoover some
for the fact that even though i overloaded the electric sockets in my bedroom & lost most of my electrical appliance's abilities to work i didn't .... a) Blow the joint ! b) my computer magically remained on ! (my computer must be on another/different extension lead circuit!)


12/06

Grateful for my dog catching my attention whilst head in / sniffing a bunch of buttercups
Grateful for memory & the ability to make connections between things

​
14/06


Grateful for Buttercups thread
Grateful that buttercup is on planet earth & on the AD forum

​
ThankU

[buttercup]

-the crown chakra and how it connects me to the feeling of universal divine energy
-sea salt,this new vegan chocolate flavor with sea salt and almonds and trying new things
-luxe life
-the amazing book i've been reading and how every time i go it,it zaps my vibration right up
-clearing limiting beliefs.
-water
-lemons
-sleep
-feeling back to normal
-my body being nice and sore from fitness and slim and deciding to not do any workout sessions today
-my beauty,and being more accepting of my unique looks and finding them to make me much better then average beauty
-new selfies of myself i love
-getting more ig followers and likes and comments,and seeing it is building up more
-comfort
-having things come to me last night,that i think is leading me to a breakthrough with clearing a certain limiting belief i was about to work on. very interesting how that came about. it was something that made me angry,but seemed to make sense,and i believe came about to aid me in clearing
-chakra music and thetas
-flowers
-my style
-my job the other day,and how confident it made me feel getting all the attention i was getting and being able to do unique things living that life again and feeling like a celebrity. i had a lot of males looking at me,and some jealous females too. the wardrobe styling from the job which was amazing and very well-done,and the person who booked me seeming to like me a lot. she also said i looked like a celeb i like,who is considered sexy by men which made me feel good since i have a lot in common with that celeb. the person who booked me also said i looked tall which made me feel good.i felt very attractive,and above average and it was so nice to get in that scene again. great hairstyling,creativity,and makeup,backdrops. it was so fun,and seeing a peek of what we were getting which looked amazing,and so great.i am so excited and pleased.
-realizing certain things are easier for me now then they used to be
-feeling in my bones i am far more attractive,and above average then i give myself credit for,and that i need to stop letting my subconscious doubt it,and remember what those who love me say such as certain ex and old best friend,that i'm a -----,i need to be confident and they say that whenever i've been insecure about all the things in life,and it's so true,because of what i do,i need to have that confidence in all areas of life.i am a unique person living a unique life that should make me more confident recieving things and going after things and not getting insecure about certain little things like guys,or being alone in places for a few minutes,etc,etc. few years ago,they said those things to me(still do,when it comes up) and people act like i'm crazy when i get insecure,but,finally,i'm starting to get it,and let in sink in,in new ways,and with the spiritual work i'm doing of clearing limiting beliefs,it is profound the changes that will come. a few years ago,i wanted certain things,and felt i should have them,but felt insecure,then i went through the ego phase of coming off confident and getting more used to things but having some doubts,and then i went into the super insecure confused phase,and i'm now finally coming out of that,and seeing myself as i really am. softening the ego,embracing the humble but exuding confidence,charisma like a celebrity,and a belief in myself that i can get anything i want in body,mind,spirit,enveloping that belief. i think i'm growing up! ;) and,it feels so good.i'll miss that more innocent girl who had something special but couldn't see it fully and wondered why people took interest in her,and had desires.i'll miss that girl who started to come into herself more and had an ego,but questioned herself internally still. but,i'm loving the girl who embraces confidence,AND recieving,and knows herself,her worth,her value.
-flowers
-great quotes
-letting go of what others think and believing in myself
-releasing resistances
-rain,and how relaxing it is
-that it's been warm out
-finding vegan pizza crusts recently after i was tempted to buy a vegetarian frozen pizza but couldn't find a brand i liked that had no meat,then as i give up,i seen that,and took it as a sign from the universe telling me not to buy vegetarian pizza and peel off the cheese,but just make my own vegan pizza!
-taking an uber to my job the other day and how GREAT that it felt. the independence of doing that,as soon as i got in there,within a minute my mood quickly uplifted and i felt as excited as i would being headed to a night out. it reminded me of my desires,and what's important to me. change is invigorating. challenging yourself and progressing yourself is thrilling. one small action that is normal and mundane to others,did a lot for me.
-feeling more calm and safe in my apartment again
-having empathy and kindness for others
-flip flops
-ordering new lingerie from shop i like
-awesome articles i come across online
-carrot juice
-inspiration
-little good things;finding out E didn't go to a certain thing this weekend that is how we met two years ago. it's been two years now. :) i thought for sure he was going,as he had texted me something about it back in march when he was trying to talk to me more,but i guess he decided not to go. i ended up making a little vague blog about how we met this weekend too
-how great of a writer i am and how poetic i am
-that ex A texted me while in mexico and how funny he is;i love him despite what he's done and being a player. he's a crazy guy who did drugs back when he was younger,was in jail and all kinds of crazy stories and is one of the craziest people i know,so i'm just happy for him for being such a positive person and in a good place in life and always seeing something to me.i remind myself of this when he does things to tick me off. i don't know why the mysterious calls this year every time he suspects i'm dating someone or why he's acting like he wants me to be his but then blocks me in other ways. it's very odd. he's not ever been like this before and i straight up told him last night,my intentions since we ended have only ever been to know him and keep in touch
-the excitement of possibilities
-my flexibility and being able to do stretches like wheel pose and frog splits
-the newness coming to me
-how amazing it is going to get
-

[buttercup]

Gratitude list. What are you grateful for today?

For my Hoover
For my Bedroom
for the capacity to hoover some
for the fact that even though i overloaded the electric sockets in my bedroom & lost most of my electrical appliance's abilities to work i didn't .... a) Blow the joint ! b) my computer magically remained on ! (my computer must be on another/different extension lead circuit!)


12/06

Grateful for my dog catching my attention whilst head in / sniffing a bunch of buttercups
Grateful for memory & the ability to make connections between things

​
14/06


Grateful for Buttercups thread
Grateful that buttercup is on planet earth & on the AD forum

​
ThankU



love it! :)

[buttercup]

-coffee
-muffins
-beautiful weather
-going tanning today
-sleep,and how healing it is!
-getting this message that's important to me posted on social media and how great it looks and being able to express myself and make a difference
-me,and what i add to the world. i have value and i deserve to be here
-how fascinating and surreal life is and being able to just smile and laugh at it
-my beauty and being above average in looks
-fashion
-being in a position and place to make effective change and make a difference,and how exciting that is!
-that i'm going to share my story of something in something coming out next month and am starting working on the draft since last week
-water
-crown chakra opening symptoms. yesssssss!
-positive dreams. i dreamt of people repreatedly giving me things. that can't be too bad!
-helping friend out last night to identify his first limiting belief to clear. it lowered my vibe doing the work just a little,but i detached and got it done
-getting bedroom cleaned because my vibration was so high i felt like being more productive instead of making it wait
-my style
-how exciting and work-able this plan is of changing my life by clearing limiting beliefs one at a time,by going for the one that i find first
-being in a great mood today,and how long i've been able to hold the vibration without reacting to external environment so much
-my flexibility
-the sun
-that it's almost time to move
-seeing things clearly and able to decide things quicker and feel more ok,and not overanalyzing stupid things that make no sense
-carrot juice
-aloe juice
-the positive changes in my life and that have manifested
-amazing book i've been reading
-inspiration
-knowing where i want to be
-had a buzzing sensation in my ear that was very very odd about a week ago during high vibration time. the only other time i remember this happening was last year,in the summer when i was reading about OBE's and trying to have one. Very interesting!

[newfreedom]

MR. Grumpy decorated tissues
new slippers
for 5 light bulbs & 3 more future ones
new clothes
talc
plasters
the choice of Birthday cards available
clothes as birthday presents for others
Christmas traditions & the buying of presents for others
over the counter medications & creams
friendly supermarket staff
Cardboard recycling


16/06

Our new male ferret kit (Kiba)
a cuddly toy snake for Rome
large, tall, chunky, ceramic dog-drinking bowl
medium, tall, chunky, ceramic dog-drinking bowl
dog food, ferret food (& cat food)
vegetarian dog chews & rice bones
animal blankets & bedding & beds
pet toys that playful ferrets like
tiny pet bowls & ferret drinking bottles
ease of life

[buttercup]

-headache being gone. i truly feel that was part of me shifting to the new me,the most amazing thing happened,i just felt such a massive headache,that i couldn't do anything but lay down and go to sleep,much earlier then is normal for me.i had these wild thoughts and lucid and non lucid dreams in and out of sleep,including me on a hill asking or being asked by myself am i ready to take the leap. i was in my outfit from my job the other day in full hair and makeup,and at the park at my favorite hill,and i was skipping and smiling. those were the first wild thoughts before i fell asleep and had in and out crazy dreams. i woke up feeling so invigorated and like a new me,and sincerely feel like the universe wanted to put me on a normal sleep schedule and shift me to the new me,and that's why this happened.
-water
-the beautiful summer weather,and rain
-coffee i'm about to get
-feeling so clear,cleansed,and amazing
-pasta
-my face
-just the new me,and how exciting it is
-feeling so secure,and content with life and where it's going and trusting
-the sound of the trains going by,cars,and the birds chirping and how invigorating that is

[buttercup]

-the amazing,life changing book i've been reading that boosts my mood every time i read it
-deep meditation
-hypnosis
-surrender
-clarity
-becoming a new me
-yoga
-feel good feelings
-clearing resistances and energy blockages
-great weather
-water
-coffee
-living life to the full
-fun plans
-feeling powerful
-nightskies
-the magic of life
-newness
-the universe
-that i create my reality
-great tank tops
-yoga pants
-summer vibes
-how open my heart chakra is
-release
-physical exercise and how great movement is for energy
-romantic love and how joyous it is
-learning
-music
-art
-a new notebook
-powerful spiritual experiences
-my value
-awakening
-how good it can get,and is about to get
-the connections i've made and opportunities i've had
-how blessed i am for those i've met
-physical heart chakra sensations
-how great my skin is
-pepsi
-the various physical symptoms i've had this week,alerting me to the fact that i am changing,i am new
-deep breathing and how much better i've become at conscious breathing,making it more habitual
-relaxation about time,no time,non linear time,time is on my side

[buttercup]

oh man,so amazing all the breakthroughs.
-had something come up during personal development exercises that had started flickering that just literally cleared several beliefs. sometimes it is just recognition that does it. i was amazed,and surpised,i almost doubted it,but it made sense.
-this book that's been so helpful to me
-discovering amazing new music and finding old ones i used to love
-how much lighter my energy has been and the shift it's had on my personality. how much more clear my mind is,and little differences
-l texting me and us getting back to normal and me saying yes to seeing him this week
-hot tea
-going to dive bar in the neighborhood last night and how amazingly well it went and how charming the place was and how surreal the overall experience was. it all felt very community and was fun to get out and have drinks
-almost deleting two pics last night because of obsessive thinking then deciding to show myself i'm changing and have changed,to keep one which is what i wanted to do anyways
-how slim my clothes feel today
-picking up probiotics to try out
-going to my favorite park today and how great it is walking up the hills
-nice summery weather
-art
-surrealism
-sportsbras
-how flexible i am
-happening to come across a meetup that will be a rooftop pool party for a vegan group that i rsvped to. very good luck,and came about right when earlier i had been saying i want to go swimming and was thinking about how nice it'd be to go swimming
-how great and clear and young my skin looks
-my notebook and writing down affirmations
-being given headphones in my favorite color since my old ones are not working so well
-getting bedroom cleaned and finding my buddha statues i've been wanting to create an alter in living room
-lemons
-my breasts and cleavage and how great it looks and having a nice sized chest that gets a lot of positive attention
-romantic love
-friends that become love
-coming back to myself more and more
-feeling open,aliveness,and confident,and also in the vortex today
-positive signs
-peach muffins
-feeling sexy,abundant,and forward moving. nothing holding me back,i can do what i want,and not feel sadness,longing,pain or like there's a fate controlling me
-being me,my wonderful leo energy that makes me love to express and be a star. i know this is important for me to nourish.
-feeling so happy,validated,and connected and i've not even manifested yet in the last few weeks much,except the amazing feelings and energy clearing,and my happiness is not changing no matter what. happiness for the sake of happiness.i will manifest my desires,but even if i didn't i'd still feel amazing
-how excited i am to premiere the new me to people who haven't seen me in awhile
-how amazing this week is going to be,i can just feel it
-how different i feel,and also more present.i just know things will manifest in different ways then ever before,because i am different
-

[buttercup]

-relaxation and that lovely sinking feeling as if i'm completely enveloped in surrender
-getting the kitchen cleaned
-doing some work today,and almost finished with that particular piece
-lip gloss
-carrot juice
-water
-lemons
-all the limiting beliefs i've cleared and the way they've come to me..all connected,bringing out more and more as i see how it's connected
-affirmations and notebook
-feeling a soul connection and trusting it more,even if it's crazy
-stretches and squats
-deep cleansing breaths
-my favorite vegan foods
-photos
-comfort
-the inner work i've been doing and seeing how surrendering and asking for help from universe during that part of it,really makes a difference and helps
-the limiting beliefs i've cleared and seeing proof of it,and the negativity wiped out of my life from it,and feeling at such peace about certain past things
-sound therapy
-how smooth my legs are
-that it's summertime
-that i'll be moving soon and how exciting new neighborhood will be
-how much more clear my mind has been,and lighter my energy
-feeling very at peace right now,like the work has been done and it's a calm before the new storm,as in the stepping into something new and wonderful for me.i can feel something is about to manifest that is very pleasant
-the sleeping dreams i've had lately
-how open my chakras feel and all the side effects of it
-the book i've been reading and how life changing it's been
-forgiveness and all the forgiveness that's occured from the healing work
-eyeglasses
-appreciation and admiration
-nightskies and how relaxing they are
-signs of resistances being released such as yawning