can i vent here?

[fiatlux]

i am a mental health therapist (bbs registered mft intern). i started a new job where i have to practice psychotherapy with Chinese clients. Chinese is my first language but I lack proficiency in it as I was born and raised in California and can use English much better than Chinese. I hate it..I struggle with it. i never even intended to take on this job. In fact, I never had interest in applying for it but only did so because it was referred to me. I declined their job offer initially. They called back and I told them why I declined. They talked me out of it and I negotiated with them for a higher salary. I got what I wanted in terms of salary, but I dread going to work. I feel so out of place. I feel so handicapped. I hate the way that I have to operate within the confinement of the Department of Mental Health. I hate the system. I feel like the way psychotherapy is being practiced in these government funded programs are deviating from traditional counseling and are largely based on symptoms management rather than working on the roots of the problems.

I feel low in confidence. I know I should be grateful for even having a paying position to do what I do. Many of my friends who graduated the same time as I are working for free or getting paid minimally. I am feeling overly emotional about this. I feel knots and pressure on my solar plexus chakra. I feel like my kundalini energy is amplifying these feelings. I feel limited. I feel like I must go through these experience in order to grow a thicker skin. I have worked really hard to get my degree. I have reached a point where I feel like I don't want to continue to push myself this hard anymore. I am apathetic. I used to be so good at staying on top of things. I used to be very anxiety driven and that has brought me much achievement. I don't want to operate like this anymore but I feel like I have to resort back to operating this way in order not to drown. I know I am merely perpetuating these negative feelings by being fixated on my negative attitudes and complaining. but i also have to be realistic and acknowledge that i don't like it at all....I hope I can get through this. I ask my higher self and spiritual guides and I pray and pray and pray. I don't know what else to do. I know I have to stop fighting my resistance and to just let them be and continue to strive. I don't like where I'm at right now.

On top of that, there's this girl I'm in love with. I don't want to acknowledge that it's probably more of an infatuation or an obsession. She doesn't seem to want anything to do with me anymore and I want to respect that. I feel like I've ruined our friendship. I really genuinely feel like I love her but my personality/ego is obsessed with her. I don't wish to possess her, I only wish the best for her whether it is with me or not. I want her to be free. I feel like Kundalini has amplified things and distorted my judgment that led me to carrying things out impulsively and now our friendship just isn't the way it used to be. I find it hard to accept that. I find it hard to accept that I can't reverse the damage I've done. I am in conflict with myself....

there's a lot more i can say but that's all for now... :(

[IA56]

Hi fiatlux,
I want to send my symphaty and emphaty to you, I am so sorry for your struggle, I hope you can find a way to cool down and find faith in yourself and your deepest strength and the knowing you will get past this. You are highly loved and supported, do take in this, and relax and breathen deep as many times it takes to feel the deep confidence you will get past this.

Love
ia

[Dreamweaver]

One of the best things a counselor can do for themselves is self-care. This legitimately includes addressing your own issues that become exposed within your own practice - with another counselor. Are you under supervision outside of your agency? It might be worth considering private clinical supervision - or even counseling.

I am here to tell you real world employment settings are an idiological let-down. Doesn't matter if its government or private practice. They each have their own ills.

You need to explore your values, your beliefs, your hopes and dreams, and your boundaries. Money isn't everything, but being unemployed really sucks.

Also -relationship. First is relationship with yourself. Get that sorted out. Harsh bottom line is if you are not grounded and balanced, you will project your stuff on your clients.

More earth my friend, less air and water.

[CFTraveler]

I keep coming back to the things in your post that I can relate with- being in a job that 'thickens your skin'- I too did that, and every time I tried to walk away I was convinced to stay. Eventually I changed the way things worked, and spiritually things improved. Then magically, things improved and I ended up walking away on my terms. I can't say any more, but what I can tell you is that in retrospect, that job was a necessary aspect of my spiritual growth. It taught me a lot, and now I look at it fondly from 'over here'. But make no mistake, I wouldn't go back if I had the chance. But now I realize I also wouldn't change anything in the past.
I hope that you can somehow use your meditative practices and maybe get someone to talk to- being in the mental care profession should give you some access to someone you can vent to- and you can also assume a position of power- that within the system there is something you can do to improve your position and your clients' too.
The language thing brought me back a memory- years ago we went on vacation, and we stayed at a place run by a nice Chinese family. My little brother and their little daughter commenced to have a puppy-love relationship. When they wanted to go to the movies my dad had to speak to her dad- luckily my dad spoke Japanese fluently, and he and her dad were able to communicate- it turns out that the parents were from different provinces in China, and spoke different dialects. So they communicated in Japanese, because it was easier that way. So my little brother was able to go on his date, properly chaperoned, of course.

[Sinera]

A suggestion:

Have a vision: use your money from your job as long as you still do it to invest. Invest in alternative / complementary psychotherapy treatments. There are a lot of them. I know this since I am doing a naturopath now and some of my colleagues are psychotherapy naturopaths / complementary med practicioners.

There's tons of complementary methods, also on the psychology and counselling field. I know that Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) has so much to offer, too. Choose what is of your liking and what resonates with you and of which you know can help your clients/patients better than e.g. 'orthodox' (mostly pharmacologically based?) psychotherapy.

Learn them, take courses, seminars, studies. Then found your own practice, maybe together with someone else, another naturopath, psychologist etc. Become a trainer or counsellor. There's so much opportunities 'on the market' to become self-employed with this, especially with your 'orthodox' training and qualifications as a basis you have the best starting requirements!

As said, develop a plan for the next 3-4 years, a good vision. And use your job to make it come true and finance it since you still need to make a living and invest the money. Then your job might itself 'make sense' to you again, provisionally - at least on another level. And the time will come when you won't need your job anymore and can do 'better' counselling and psychotherapy.

[fiatlux]

Today, things have actually been much better and I was less preoccupied by these thoughts and feelings. I think typing these things out allowed much of these emotions to move and run its course. I suppose it will still have an effect on me for some time before they really begin to start to lose it's power over me, but I can trust that these things are not permanent no matter how excruciating it may feel. I also like to thank each one of you for writing because reading your words has been much help, and I have found much peace from reading your responses.

I do believe that i am here to experience things and to clear out karma/live out experiences that will assist me to evolve and/or prepare me for something in the future. I agree that I definitely am in need of psychotherapy to work on myself. I do have a counselor who is quite spiritually/energy oriented that has been helpful in the past, however I haven't seen her since December. I know I owe it to myself and my clients to resume work on myself and to seek her service again, which I do intend to.

Grounding is certainly helpful. I certainly agree that there is the presence of too much water and air and that earth may help to harmonize things.

Supervision
My supervision is within my agency, but I do have former supervisors from previous sites that I am still in touch with that I can consult with. One of them in particular has offered me a position in her new private practice but because of my current need to gain experience and collect hours to fulfill state requirements as well as to earn and save money, I feel that it is best for us to postpone work together until a later time. She's definitely on the same wavelength as I, in that we are both open minded about alternative/complementary practices. I definitely would like to implement these things if private practice is the direction I am heading towards.. @Sinera, I greatly appreciate your suggestion as it is very much in alignment of what I have begun to vaguely envision. I however need to remind myself of this goal and continue to work on it and refine these plans.

Again, I like to thank each one of you for writing. Each of your response helped validate my experiences, provide me a sense of comfort and peace, and remind me that it's going to be hard but it's going to be ok. Thank you.

[John Sorensen]

I work in a job I loathe.

But finally, after 3+ years I am leaving this job this year.

I knew from the beginning this job was not a "vibrational match" for me, but took it after one year of unemployment where every interview turned me down etc.

So I took it out of desperation, and not wanting to end up either homeless, or having to live with a family member etc and be a burden on them.

If there is something I can say, its this, make peace with this moment, this NOW, because now is all you get.

If you decide to leave the job, then do so.

If you decide to stay, then do that.

Either way, make a clear and DEFINITE decision, and accept your present conditions, while acknowledging that whether you stay or go, either way you create your vibrational reality, your thoughts, feelings and emotions.

You feel as good as you imagine yourself to be, and you carry that imagining through you days, and that feeling tone becomes your way of being.

I find playing video-games and watching comedies always cheers me up after working in a low frequency work place, or after being around angry frustrated people.:P

[Dreamweaver]

Fiatlux I am glad to hear that you not only have an expanded network of professional support but that also you have a future employment situation that sounds very promising. Glad you're feeling better too. So true that expressing feelings can change and release them. : ).

Best wishes!