Selfdestruction process - Ineed of reversal.

[Liberator]

Greetings!

At this point I'm just a few steps from chopping someone's head off (could be my own).

Well, I'm not really sure where to start off, cause I don't really like openning myself to others, especially when content of this topic is quite private and touches deeply down to my own soul.

I guess ♥♥♥♥ would be a good word. Anyway my wrecked life almost pushed me out to the point of no return, like i couldn't care less about my own existance, happiness and overall good of the world. For most of my life I tried to pursuit the great concept of the "Chosen One", at least in any matter i could. I tried to realise my passions, increase my knowledge, do the things I wanted and most of those "dreams" came truth. I seemed to be fairly happy along with all the bad experiences which after longer time I understood and forgave others for the amount of pain they drawn upon to my life. I also took care of my personal karma and even not concerning my own expectations tried to help others as much as I could.

Now I reached some kind of momentum where I really struggle to fullfill my own needs and desires and I feel somehow betrayed by those forces I placed so much faith in. I can regcognize current ego as more demanding creature who's all the good values were left somewhere along the way - could be because of throwing my whole ego away and being just an observer. Still, knowing all of that can't ease some strange emptiness and knowing that i can't share my happiness with loved ones.

I've became very, very numb. Last night I had first astral out of body experience, but that only could made me glad for a about 10-15 minutes and after which i felt agony again of this so slow and boring progress through even longer days. Smoking pot ain't giving much fun no more, socializing became more boring than ever, sports are not bringing me such good adrenaline based feelings and it's all spiced with my wolf-like lonliness that I bear for more than 2 years now.

I have no damn idea where to start fixing it. I tried hard working Kazzera, than Kundalini and many other kinds of meditations to clear out charkas and all that stuff for over a year now, but that ain't helping (or at least not yet) - just lights up my mood for a short while, but than i fall in despair once again.

Still from my own personal view I think it all depends on the most powerfull of all forces - love - as this is the factor that been pulling me down mostly last months. So here how the story goes:

Three years ago, I had a good time when I merged with flow of life and actually had loads of fun from it. However after some time I met an angel during my studies class and we were hanging out together for a while - she had a bf - but i still totally felt for her. Than as it was my first love I couldn't really handle knowing that she spends nights with another one, so I run away to the other side of the globe - Australia. Well that journey was in my head from high school and it was meant for us both to go, but as I felt weakness and need to rush I went alone to see the world. At first I tried to throw that feeling away and search for a diffrent love, but as the days moved past I felt much more and much more for her as I couldn't see such perfect being anywhere else. I had few very psychodelic travels along the way like I met God's messenger in white robes, but in the end whoever I asked they weren't really able to help me - or their advises didn't worked out. During my meditation in certain moment I felt an urge need to meet with her, (she was free for a while) so i rushed up and ended in Russian prison. When I came back to my homeland she was with him again and I could't do anything really. So i failed again and then she just - quote "I won't be with someone like you anyway." As I would believe in those words anyway. Still I became a broken drunk for a while with even more broken heart after everything I've tried to do for her and I felt the betrayal feeling for the first time (probably cause by love/freedom lost). From that point I pushed myself a lot higher - worked up, studied, meditated, played instruments etc. - but that wasn't a happy time for me. It all became like a fight for one goal for which I thrown all the others away. I mean - having familly with her and loving truly her -but as the time moved on I became so obssesed about it that in current state I'm close to kill him with cold blood and probably if I couldn't convince her with my new evil self - as the good guys never get any loot share - maybe even make her to carry my own children as any dominant alpha male would do in nature.

Do you think that's a good idea :twisted:?

Anyway "evil" became so much "better" with realisation that it's a dream. I tried asking every kind of spirit and preyed for the answers but never had any luck on that one. Oh! And yes! I'm pretty desperate. But the more good I become the less I recive and likewise. Why does it happen in my life? Does it mean to satisfy myself I have to play the bad parts? If i like to live an action life on the edge of the knife should i stop myself because of some buddism after-life? If I could achive it maybe another life-spawn? What about girl I love? Isn't it a damn game? Like the one from the book? How am I able to believe in any of good values if when I follow them i get hell loads of pain and suffering? Does it mean i still have to pay for karma from another life? Any kinds of ideas?

[IA56]

Greetings!

At this point I'm just a few steps from chopping someone's head off (could be my own).

Well, I'm not really sure where to start off, cause I don't really like openning myself to others, especially when content of this topic is quite private and touches deeply down to my own soul.

I guess ♥♥♥♥ would be a good word. Anyway my wrecked life almost pushed me out to the point of no return, like i couldn't care less about my own existance, happiness and overall good of the world. For most of my life I tried to pursuit the great concept of the "Chosen One", at least in any matter i could. I tried to realise my passions, increase my knowledge, do the things I wanted and most of those "dreams" came truth. I seemed to be fairly happy along with all the bad experiences which after longer time I understood and forgave others for the amount of pain they drawn upon to my life. I also took care of my personal karma and even not concerning my own expectations tried to help others as much as I could.

Now I reached some kind of momentum where I really struggle to fullfill my own needs and desires and I feel somehow betrayed by those forces I placed so much faith in. I can regcognize current ego as more demanding creature who's all the good values were left somewhere along the way - could be because of throwing my whole ego away and being just an observer. Still, knowing all of that can't ease some strange emptiness and knowing that i can't share my happiness with loved ones.

I've became very, very numb. Last night I had first astral out of body experience, but that only could made me glad for a about 10-15 minutes and after which i felt agony again of this so slow and boring progress through even longer days. Smoking pot ain't giving much fun no more, socializing became more boring than ever, sports are not bringing me such good adrenaline based feelings and it's all spiced with my wolf-like lonliness that I bear for more than 2 years now.

I have no damn idea where to start fixing it. I tried hard working Kazzera, than Kundalini and many other kinds of meditations to clear out charkas and all that stuff for over a year now, but that ain't helping (or at least not yet) - just lights up my mood for a short while, but than i fall in despair once again.

Still from my own personal view I think it all depends on the most powerfull of all forces - love - as this is the factor that been pulling me down mostly last months. So here how the story goes:

Three years ago, I had a good time when I merged with flow of life and actually had loads of fun from it. However after some time I met an angel during my studies class and we were hanging out together for a while - she had a bf - but i still totally felt for her. Than as it was my first love I couldn't really handle knowing that she spends nights with another one, so I run away to the other side of the globe - Australia. Well that journey was in my head from high school and it was meant for us both to go, but as I felt weakness and need to rush I went alone to see the world. At first I tried to throw that feeling away and search for a diffrent love, but as the days moved past I felt much more and much more for her as I couldn't see such perfect being anywhere else. I had few very psychodelic travels along the way like I met God's messenger in white robes, but in the end whoever I asked they weren't really able to help me - or their advises didn't worked out. During my meditation in certain moment I felt an urge need to meet with her, (she was free for a while) so i rushed up and ended in Russian prison. When I came back to my homeland she was with him again and I could't do anything really. So i failed again and then she just - quote "I won't be with someone like you anyway." As I would believe in those words anyway. Still I became a broken drunk for a while with even more broken heart after everything I've tried to do for her and I felt the betrayal feeling for the first time (probably cause by love/freedom lost). From that point I pushed myself a lot higher - worked up, studied, meditated, played instruments etc. - but that wasn't a happy time for me. It all became like a fight for one goal for which I thrown all the others away. I mean - having familly with her and loving truly her -but as the time moved on I became so obssesed about it that in current state I'm close to kill him with cold blood and probably if I couldn't convince her with my new evil self - as the good guys never get any loot share - maybe even make her to carry my own children as any dominant alpha male would do in nature.

Do you think that's a good idea :twisted:?

Anyway "evil" became so much "better" with realisation that it's a dream. I tried asking every kind of spirit and preyed for the answers but never had any luck on that one. Oh! And yes! I'm pretty desperate. But the more good I become the less I recive and likewise. Why does it happen in my life? Does it mean to satisfy myself I have to play the bad parts? If i like to live an action life on the edge of the knife should i stop myself because of some buddism after-life? If I could achive it maybe another life-spawn? What about girl I love? Isn't it a damn game? Like the one from the book? How am I able to believe in any of good values if when I follow them i get hell loads of pain and suffering? Does it mean i still have to pay for karma from another life? Any kinds of ideas?

Hi Liberator,
I only want to send my support to you and my love.
There is so many things I could say but I feel I just send my attention to you and send new energy through this note to you.
Hang in there, you have come to right place.
What is helping me is what I find on this site....www.gnosticteachings.org...and off course energy work ala Robert Bruce and also what Maha Vaijra´s adept Shawn Zemba his site is ...The Path of Mastery...
I need all these different people to balance my need´s...the are complementary to each others and I feel that it is paying off all the work I have done in several years are now starting to pay off.
It take´s dedication and hard work to liberate our soul from the ego, but it is possible...we are here all to support each others...so keep up the good work....and welcome.

Love
ia

[katarina]

it is perfectly clear from your post how you feel. we all have been looking for a meaning of life from it's very beginning and all we ever had is our personal experience. we are using our experiences to understand the world and life and to conclude where it will lead us eventually. it is obvious that life goes towards evolution and that human beings are inclined to something that we call "a spiritual evolution", which simply is an increasing of our awareness and gaining some abilities that go with that expanded consciousness. but it is an extremely difficult process and what is more important in my opinion, it is not a must, which means we can also fail. :-( your problems and dilemmas are obviously an opportunity for big personal evolution, by that i don't mean they were prearranged for you somewhere in the heavens whatsoever. maybe they were, but that doesn't change the fact that you will succeed or you will fail. if you succeed, you will reprogram yourself to the certain degree which will allow you to see clearly all causes and effects which led you to the obsession with that certain individual. here i'm suggesting a very serious inner work which can go in package with your adventurous spirit (you don't have to be a monk for that, but you need to be very brave and hard-working.) if you fail, your obsession will continue and maybe it will fade with time, but that doesn't mean you will really get rid of it. i really don't know what waits for us after we die in our next life - spawn :-) but the wiser we are here and now the better. best regards.

[eyeoneblack]

Hi, Liberator. Love that avatar - can totally relate.

Your narrative reads much like the aftermath of a Kundalini awakening. Hate to be so trite, but 'been there, done that' and doing it still. Before I even read your post this thought came to mind:

To accept and know the evil in yourself is to know yourself better than the average man.

I wish I could say do this or that and ALL will be well again. It's a hard thing to adjust to. A leash that can't be broken.

Anyway that's just my thoughts based on the emotions I felt.

Best to you,

Richard

[Liberator]

Oy fellow travellers,

Seems like nothing helps so far and it get worse and worse each day as my life fall into deeper despair. I've even tried some New Avatar Ritual spells, but it doesn't work - maybe just a little. I'm cursed! :shrug:

I wonder, if my time here already should be finished - I got such advices after confronting with some neutral entitles as nothing seems to bring me any kind of satisfaction and I'm completly stuffed with everyday life. Additionally asking them for my future I've only found that negative circumstances gonna come my way (as there haven't been enough of failures and loses in my life so far)...

I'm seriously considering suicide and moving into next dimensions as I've read a lot books/topics about it and I'm quite comfortable as well as happy with moving on forward and seeing what awaits me beyond this materialistic and pragmatic state of human being. I'd love to become one of the helping sprits or something like that I've could be finally free from my Earthly problems, dilemas, love etc.

Oh! About love!

The more I let go the less I want to live and the last thing that keeps me alive is that bond to the one I loved and whenever I deny it or try to unwind it seems like everything is even more dark/grey/shady and I cannot help myself from sucidal thoughts. On the otherside I've got this pain and fear considering all we went through and that she states "I never want to see you again." So it feels like I'm between anvil and the hammer and both sides means some kind of pain...

For last year I've been motiviated to focus on myself agreeing on her advice and I've pushed myself to the limit, but now that feeling is gone. She feels like gone and therefore I feel like there is nothing else here in this world for me. Like it's all meaningless, empty and self-destrucitive.

On the other side I've also tried to look for hope in other human beings, but it feels like nobody understands me and everybody always wanna get rid of me. I know I'm ugly... but to what point :).

So I do not feel like human anymore and I cannot live here this way anyhow.

Anyone had simmilar problems or some higher light calling them to move on from this world?

[IA56]

Oy fellow travellers,

Seems like nothing helps so far and it get worse and worse each day as my life fall into deeper despair. I've even tried some New Avatar Ritual spells, but it doesn't work - maybe just a little. I'm cursed! :shrug:

I wonder, if my time here already should be finished - I got such advices after confronting with some neutral entitles as nothing seems to bring me any kind of satisfaction and I'm completly stuffed with everyday life. Additionally asking them for my future I've only found that negative circumstances gonna come my way (as there haven't been enough of failures and loses in my life so far)...

I'm seriously considering suicide and moving into next dimensions as I've read a lot books/topics about it and I'm quite comfortable as well as happy with moving on forward and seeing what awaits me beyond this materialistic and pragmatic state of human being. I'd love to become one of the helping sprits or something like that I've could be finally free from my Earthly problems, dilemas, love etc.

Oh! About love!

The more I let go the less I want to live and the last thing that keeps me alive is that bond to the one I loved and whenever I deny it or try to unwind it seems like everything is even more dark/grey/shady and I cannot help myself from sucidal thoughts. On the otherside I've got this pain and fear considering all we went through and that she states "I never want to see you again." So it feels like I'm between anvil and the hammer and both sides means some kind of pain...

For last year I've been motiviated to focus on myself agreeing on her advice and I've pushed myself to the limit, but now that feeling is gone. She feels like gone and therefore I feel like there is nothing else here in this world for me. Like it's all meaningless, empty and self-destrucitive.

On the other side I've also tried to look for hope in other human beings, but it feels like nobody understands me and everybody always wanna get rid of me. I know I'm ugly... but to what point :).

So I do not feel like human anymore and I cannot live here this way anyhow.

Anyone had simmilar problems or some higher light calling them to move on from this world?

How and from where does despaire come??
Can it come from wrong Picture of success vs failing??
Most of all our depression come´s from us not seeing us or accepting us as we are, and we do compare us towards other´s in wrong way.
I see you as a person who do want to fit in, but on your own term´s and get too much resistance from other´s, they puch you away, and you are feeling not wanted, even it is only you to accept yourself first, totally, not asking like you are...for letting others you be you....
Look at how much Control need you have...and others fear of you...and therefor theire need to controll you, by sending you messages that you are wrong.
Start to like yourself more, and stop sercing for other´s likening of you.
Come to an acceptance and try to know yourself better.
That Calling as you say from other side, is in my World trying you to give in..you have come here for some reason, do not spill this opportunity for self growth and awakening to lightement and understanding...
Keep up the good work.
You are better and stronger, do not let despaire take you, it is not real...You are Worth to be happy, let this happen in you...let love grow in you.
Sending love and light to you.

Be happy for have met love then you know you are capable of it. Instead of feeling as you do, accept that partners come and go, be happy when you have love in shape of a partner, when it end´s be greatful for having had the opportunity to experience a bond to Another person...most of all we need these partners as long as we have not learned to love us self´s, it is a training in self love every partner we let into our Life. It is to fulfill a need, when you start to give your self what you need without seeking outside of your self, you will meet a soul mate, and you will see the difference what that is.

Love
ia

[newfreedom]

Anyone had simmilar problems or some higher light calling them to move on from this world?

Hi Liberator,

yes i have had similar problems with suicidal thoughts / feelings & i also know others who struggle with these types of issues too.

Two of my current word patterns that i am presently dealing with / processing & attempting to clear / 'heal' are


'i don't want to be here'
'i don't want to do this'


For myself, i have now passed through the worst of these issues, as the depression/despair feelings i used to be consumed by cleared some years ago, that's not to say i find life easy, as i don't.....but it can get easier in my experience, least at times.

This morning i woke up & was glad to be alive, hopeful & enthusiastic for what the day might have to offer me. This is a rare feeling for me & not my automated norm.

I donot really know of the relationship struggle side of things you are in, since my main experience of physical intimate relationships was of being stuck to another in a dysfunctional relationship for over 18yrs. In order to get 'unstuck' from this relationship i did have to first reach (connect / engage) & then feel, express & release the emotional energy i was holding, that was keeping me unhealthily tied.

Today i am glad i am still in my earth-body with opportunities available...

Wish you well Liberator, hope you find comfort, peace & wellbeing soon :grouphug:xX

[eyeoneblack]

I strongly suggest you change your avatar Liberator. I said before, I can relate, but as you possess it, it possesses you as well. Turn the page, abandon that savage to its deep cavern and replace it with something lighter, of a higher frequency, for this will represent the real you. Do not be the dragon guarding your treasure with tongues of fire, but race on by and claim that treasure which is yours and yours alone.

Claim it for yourself!

[If you don't I'll pm you my own suicide and it won't be fun a read.:twisted:]

[Liberator]

Well, I have to state it's getting worse and worse each day. I've tried to let myself go, cut it off, throw it all away as it seemed to damage my soul but it's impossible so far. Every effort I've made only makes me love her more. No meditation, no love spells, no astral love, no damn ways of conntacting through her spirit or energy or elsewhat. I guess she have no concern for me at all. I'm out of guns. Seems like I'm failing more and more and that's a feeling I can't bear. I know it's ego and all that ♥♥♥♥, but it's just killing me hard and I wish I would have moved at least a step forward. Concerning that I go backwards I may not make it till Friday, which makes me kinda happy and finally I'll set myself free. I'm not even able to cry anymore :twisted: I just keep on punching myself in the face.

Thanks everyone for cheering me up, hopefully your be more lucky in Your love than me as I never even had a date,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6C5qFD7jenE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWjlXNrH0yI)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5oDHnzqGDgQ

With everlasting love and passion for each and every being,

Liberator

[IA56]

Well, I have to state it's getting worse and worse each day. I've tried to let myself go, cut it off, throw it all away as it seemed to damage my soul but it's impossible so far. Every effort I've made only makes me love her more. No meditation, no love spells, no astral love, no damn ways of conntacting through her spirit or energy or elsewhat. I guess she have no concern for me at all. I'm out of guns. Seems like I'm failing more and more and that's a feeling I can't bear. I know it's ego and all that ♥♥♥♥, but it's just killing me hard and I wish I would have moved at least a step forward. Concerning that I go backwards I may not make it till Friday, which makes me kinda happy and finally I'll set myself free. I'm not even able to cry anymore :twisted: I just keep on punching myself in the face.

Thanks everyone for cheering me up, hopefully your be more lucky in Your love than me as I never even had a date,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6C5qFD7jenE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWjlXNrH0yI)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5oDHnzqGDgQ

With everlasting love and passion for each and every being,

Liberator

Dearest Liberator,
You make me cry when feeling your struggle...have you tried to surrender into it??
When fighting like you do it does get wors...accept it...you love her...she does not want you..yes it hurts like hell..but
surrender....and accept it....You are most lucky to have and are experiensing Deep love...it is also a cleansing love at the
same time...so just surrender and accept it...it is what it is just now...it will not kill you and do not even thinking to kill
yourself...you have all off us here to support you.
You are very strong when letting us all into your hurt and pain...so let us also help you carry the pain until it is solved.
Sending you much love and relief...NOW.....

Love
ia

[Liberator]

Ahoy!

Back from the dead again :). I've been on the devil's land where all riches and girls of the world could be mine at a blink. I even had her screaming for me! (Imagine those 20 girls hooking up with me in my own palace pool :twisted:), but after fixing up meeting with the company boss I came to perfect realization that it wasn't what I really wanted. Still I came out of that experience with more happiness than ever!

It helped me find my true worth of light within me and that my desires just couldn't be statisfied by any kind of love or greed and I'm far beyond that.

First off, I'd like to thank you kindly for all Your supportive help, which seemed to carry me through darkest days. Now off I feel twice as strong as I ever been and my inner work seems to finally pay off. It's not perfect yet, but it feels all right already and I also appreciate lesson about truth and I'm finally not blind anymore.

I had a mescaline experience, which shown me creation out of an alien mind's and I found out a lot about my current wrong minded state. Fixing it right now, slowly begining it with some adrenaline adventures, hard, tough like God's work and other different currents of my personal spiritual evolution, which hopefully will lead me to final enlightment.

Although it's still not easy to pick myself up from the deepest hole I slowly begin to regain strenght and willpower and building own life from very first brick.

But the most shocking for me is that I would never be able to percive through all that evil and achive my biggest dreams if I would not have been struck down like this at first. It's like forging a sword, which we first hit with hammer on an anvil (which I meantioned before), than placing it into the fire to finally cool it down.

Seems like my soul had to go through it. Thank you again and hopefully this dark trip will help someone else who's in simmilar situation. Even if I would give up I would still had to go through it anyway, just maybe in longer/easier way. Best wishes and loads of love!

Liberator

[Eyeswideopen]

Great news :thumbsup: