Conflict between personal growth and acceptance

[josh437781]

Lately, to achive a more global sense of self acceptance, I've been interested in integrating rejected aspects of my self. This seems like a good idea, but It also seems to conflict with my desire to impove myself in other areas. So I'm wondering, as part of an identity or personality, Is it possible to simultaneously accept a negative trait while also taking action to remove or reduce it's effects on your life?

Laziness, for example, is a trait that I and many people have. I realize that If I were to fully accept and own this aspect I would be more content with my actions (or lack of actions) and would find it easier to be around people who are lazy and unproductive because I wouldn't have as much of an urdge to judge them. However, I suspect that integrating laziness would also make me miss many opportunities for growth and personal development. It also might make me late for everything I have to do during the day, I could develop health problems, I could become very poor, and I would endure many other consequences of accepting this trait.

Laziness is just one example. I'm wondering if anyone's got any thoughts about what I've written and if there are tips for achieving balance when trying to bridge this gap I have between self improvment and self acceptance.

[SoulSail]

Excellent questions.

First, know that offering non-resistance to what one ordinarily considers "negative" aspects is, in my opinion, perhaps one of the most efficient ways of defusing such aspects. It doesn't mean you embrace and indulge, but fighting what one traditionally views as "bad" or "weak" is the surest way to infuse patterns with energy. So yes, absolutely, you're seeing truth here. I could go on and on about this, but it's very important you go within more. I recommend you pick a book called Feeding Your Demons for a thorough lesson. Also, Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche has a wonderful book I've linked below as well. Both deal with your question in plain, reassuring language:

http://www.amazon.com/Feeding-Your-Demons-Resolving-Conflict/dp/0316013137

http://www.amazon.com/Awakening-Luminous-Mind-Tibetan-Meditation/dp/1401937616/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1352249338&sr=1-1&keywords=tenzin+wangyal+rinpoche


Best,

Soul

[ButterflyWoman]

My expierience is that before you can change anything, you have to accept what it is NOW. If you resist it, you jut make it persist. If you're lazy (just as an example), well, that just is what it is. Okay then. You've experienced what it is to be lazy. Now decide to experience something else, and commit to the new experience, and let go of the old one (i.e., stop worrying about "I'm lazy, oh, no, I need to change, I need to fix this, this is a problem" or whatever).

Once you really commit to "something new" AND let go of (accept and then stop resisting) what "has been" and what IS, opportunities for change will generally arise spontaneously, sometimes with shockingly little effort, sometimes with more effort (depending on what you expect and what you want to experience, though your subconscious beliefs will affect what happens, too).

I think the issue here is with the word "acceptance", which, to many people, implies that you like or approve of something. I would argue that it only means "allowing it to be what it is", and letting go of your resistance to it. It just is what it is, for whatever reason or reasons. There's no need to fight it, push against it, be ashamed of it, etc. It is what it is, simple as that. Just accept that it is what it is. Once you stop resisting, change can start to happen.

[CFTraveler]

Wow, everyone said what I wanted to. However, I just wanted to say something kind of different:
Laziness is not a character trait- laziness is a learned behavior and often a judgement.
For example, when I was a young child I used to do ballet- until puberty hit. When all the hormones came online and all the parts of me that didn't exist started to swell and grow, all the exercises that I used to do without any effort became unbelievably difficult, fatigue, something I had never experienced, crushed down on me, and body pains and exhaustion became too much, my mother would tell people "she's just lazy". The thing is that I was never lazy- I was always active, hard working and if anything hyperactive. But by 15 I had bought into the things that were said about me, and I just sat around and read (read a lot, I still love reading probably more than any other activity), and one day when my father (I think I was sixteen or seventeen) said "because you're lazy" I had a breakthrough- I wasn't lazy (actually I was the only active person in that house- I did all the cleaning and most of the cooking and childcare in the household) and I didn't have to accept that about myself.
Then I dusted myself off, and left that label behind, and have through most of my life been known for my thoroughness.
So be sure to realize that there is a difference between accepting qualities about yourself you don't like, and accepting labels that are not you- that they have been assigned to you as a projection of someone else's judgement.

And, to reiterate what BW said: "I think the issue here is with the word "acceptance", which, to many people, implies that you like or approve of something. I would argue that it only means "allowing it to be what it is", and letting go of your resistance to it. It just is what it is, for whatever reason or reasons. There's no need to fight it, push against it, be ashamed of it, etc. It is what it is, simple as that. Just accept that it is what it is. Once you stop resisting, change can start to happen."