Life Transformation

[lycan]

I'm growing increasingly unwilling to live the life I have. The only thing that keeps me from suicide is the hope of change through "deliberate manifestation" and this hope is running thin to the point where I find it difficult to concentrate on visualization or on feeling good in general... or anything else at all, including distractions. My greatest desire is to be a successful international male model. I cannot do this unless there are significant changes in my body. Height is a big issue, but so is age, skin and hair. I don't want to model as a side hobby. I'm also near the end of what is considered an appropriate age for fashion models. Sometimes I break down in tears out of the feeling of hopelesness but I pick myself up. Other times I feel "euphoric" from the joy of trust. I suppose in a way "modeling" is a kind of symbol of what I want, more than the exact thing I want.

Certain things, aside from that, might help improve my trust and overall quality of life. I would like to move out of reach of my family and live on my own for a while but I have zero interest in running any sort of business or doing any kind of job. It's not that I am not willing to be active, it's that those things feel like detours, like giving up.

I'm focusing on inducing a dream state and acting out the things I desire there. I've had very limited success as my circumnstances make it difficult to do this. I have to wait until around midnight to go to sleep as I don't have my own room and there is usually people moving around and making noise around my bed in the early morning (they actually make more noise than necessary so that I'll get up) and all through the day.

Any suggestions?

[CFTraveler]

Hi lycan. I have some comments and suggestions, I hope I don't come across too harshly.

I'm growing increasingly unwilling to live the life I have. The only thing that keeps me from suicide is the hope of change through "deliberate manifestation" and this hope is running thin to the point where I find it difficult to concentrate on visualization or on feeling good in general... or anything else at all, including distractions. Here is the crux of part of the problem- to manifest anything, you cannot give energy to that which you don't want, and resistance is friction, and friction is energy. When you feel angry and desperate it denotes that you are resisting whatever it is that you are doing, and this resistance gives you this anger and tension, and focuses the energy to that which you are resisting.
If you are resisting the circumstances you are in, you are going to have to try to accept them or remove yourself from them without drama or anger, and this is not as easy as it sounds. You have to be emotionally calm to be able to focus your energy on what you want, and you will have to first clear the conflict that is in you. This may require a few steps, and they depend on what your situation is now.


My greatest desire is to be a successful international male model. I cannot do this unless there are significant changes in my body. Height is a big issue, but so is age, skin and hair. I don't want to model as a side hobby. I'm also near the end of what is considered an appropriate age for fashion models. Sometimes I break down in tears out of the feeling of hopelesness but I pick myself up. Other times I feel "euphoric" from the joy of trust. I suppose in a way "modeling" is a kind of symbol of what I want, more than the exact thing I want. It seems to me you are wanting to fit in a system that isn't accomodating of what you want- perhaps you need to create a new system that does, I don't know.



I'm focusing on inducing a dream state and acting out the things I desire there. I've had very limited success as my circumnstances make it difficult to do this. I have to wait until around midnight to go to sleep as I don't have my own room and there is usually people moving around and making noise around my bed in the early morning (they actually make more noise than necessary so that I'll get up) and all through the day. Sometimes you have to do the 'nuts & bolts' things first before you move on to what you want, but you will have to figure this out. Maybe your family can be more supportive about giving you privacy, or you need to figure out a way to get this. There are other places you can go to meditate, and there are other ways to program your subconscious, such as reminders in places you can see.

Don't give up, sometimes what you want is not what's good for you, and in looking for what you want you may find what you need, this has happened more times than I can count.

[lycan]

If you are resisting the circumstances you are in, you are going to have to try to accept them

I accept the circumnstances as temporary realities. I just don't accept their permanency. I'm not willing to live like this forever or to only see the change of decay into a worse situation. If that is my future, I rather die now. It feels like this is not my life. This is what makes me hopeless and unable to concentrate. I never see any real positive change. There are positive events but the situation itself just slowly deteriorates into a worse one where it is harder to believe things could change. It is becoming increasingly difficult for me to sustain any sort of hope at all and drag myself out of the downturns. I do it but I'm not sure how long I can go on like this. It feels like I have nothing to hold on to when I crash, to help pick myself up. All I have is faith. If my experiences erode that away, I'll have no reason to live at all. I have already had moments where this faith was almost at zero and I had to struggle to focus on it and not to commit suicide [For anyone that has a problem with the mention of the S word, know that nothing you say can make me any worse and that "professional" help, which I looked into, is useless in this case]. I want to live, I just don't want to live like this.

I don't mean to be negative but I'm frustrated right now, especially with the year ending.



or remove yourself from them without drama or anger, and this is not as easy as it sounds. You have to be emotionally calm to be able to focus your energy on what you want, and you will have to first clear the conflict that is in you. This may require a few steps, and they depend on what your situation is now.

Can you expand on that?



It seems to me you are wanting to fit in a system that isn't accomodating of what you want- perhaps you need to create a new system that does, I don't know.

I don't understand what you mean.



Sometimes you have to do the 'nuts & bolts' things first before you move on to what you want, but you will have to figure this out. Maybe your family can be more supportive about giving you privacy,

They couldn't give me privacy even if they wanted to. The only way to have privacy is to live somewhere else. I don't know where else I can live. There are no jobs I can get, as far as I know, which would allow me to rent a place of my own, for example. I don't have the heart to manage a business.



or you need to figure out a way to get this. There are other places you can go to meditate, and there are other ways to program your subconscious, such as reminders in places you can see.

Can you expand on that?

[Korpo]

I suppose in a way "modeling" is a kind of symbol of what I want, more than the exact thing I want.

Why is male modelling attractive to you? And what is the thing you want?

[lycan]

Why is male modelling attractive to you? And what is the thing you want?

Hard to express it but I'll try.

It doesn't require me to work on things external to me, or things I don't care about. I care about my body/appearance. It wouldn't matter any less to me if I had a billion dollars. It doesn't require me to spend years in school preparing. To be a male model doesn't require me to give up anything important to me, it would only enrich my life. To do the kind of modeling I desire would allow me to travel and meet new people.

I cannot think of an alternative to it that feels good to me. Even ideas like winning the lottery don't appeal to me much. I watched videos about male models and about lottery winners. The videos about male models made me feel good. The videos about lottery winners made me feel empty.

I want to know that God does not favor others by giving some the option of being models and denying this freedom to me, I want to know that I can express my life in this way. In a way, it is like a test. If I can do this, I can do anything. And if I can do anything, I want to start by doing this.

It just feels like the right life. To even entertain the idea that I can't have it makes me feel powerless, unloved, victimized and worthless.

[Korpo]

To be a male model doesn't require me to give up anything important to me

What are these things you have now that you don't want to give up?

[CFTraveler]

I accept the circumnstances as temporary realities. I just don't accept their permanency. I'm not willing to live like this forever or to only see the change of decay into a worse situation.
Then you should get some comfort out of the fact that you definitely will not stay where you are forever, because nothing ever stays the same. I don't know anyone who stayed home forever, and I don't see you wanting to.



Can you expand on that? It's very simple- you manifest what you give power to you. ATM all you're focused in is what you don't want, so you need to clear your head and focus on the feeling of having what you want, instead of being that specific.
I see "I want this" "but I don't want to do this". You are putting too many conditions and details on what you don't want.
Manifestation works when you can capture the feeling of having what you want, and like I said before, it can be something different than what you are requiring of the universe, but that makes you feel like what you want to feel.
Which brings me to the next thing.



They couldn't give me privacy even if they wanted to. The only way to have privacy is to live somewhere else. Not so. You can go to the park where you live, and find a quiet place and meditate there. You can go to your county library, and meditate there. There are ways to get privacy to meditate. You can even go to a church (any church that opens it's doors during times when services are not going on) and sit in the quiet and meditate there.
If you need the quiet time you can get it. What you can't do is decide what's not going to work, because you're just creating more of it.


BTW, I'm not going to suggest counseling, but I would suggest you try to get some career counseling, and make yourself get what you can, even if you don't want to. I can get into this later if you want, but ATM it won't make any difference to you, so you can ignore this.

[CFTraveler]

I just noticed I cross-posted with Korpo- ignore what I wrote and answer his questions, I think he's onto something.

[Korpo]

Just a random thought: Have you considered a career as for example an airline attendant? Airline crews travel the most of all professions, and by hearing a friend talk about his wife (who does this) I get the impression that they also meet a lot of people outside of the job. His wife for example is Japanese, he is Austrian and they met in Thailand.

It might not be everything you've envisioned, but it could be a step towards independence, travelling the world and having lots of diverse experiences other people might not have.

[lycan]

What are these things you have now that you don't want to give up?

It is not the things I have now. If I became a model, I wouldn't feel the lack of being a businessman, I wouldn't feel I had wasted my time with it. If I became a businessman, I would feel the lack of being a model, that I had wasted my time with it. Being a businessman feels like a means to other ends. It might be better than the life I have now, but at what cost? I just don't want to pay that cost. When I add the opportunity cost of not being a model to it, I am repulsed by the idea. Being a model feels like an end which I am willing to pay the cost of, if only I knew exactly what it was. I think I wasted too much of my life not caring about my body/appearance, being friendly but not really social, always focusing on numbers and abstract concepts, business, finances, philosophy, politics, religion. I want a break from it. I want to unburden myself. I want to leave this life of uglyness, struggle, lack and limitation for a life that has more beauty, ease, abundance and freedom.

Just saw the other posts, will reply to them later today.

[lycan]

Not so. You can go to the park where you live, and find a quiet place and meditate there. You can go to your county library, and meditate there. There are ways to get privacy to meditate. You can even go to a church (any church that opens it's doors during times when services are not going on) and sit in the quiet and meditate there.
If you need the quiet time you can get it. What you can't do is decide what's not going to work, because you're just creating more of it.

But can I meditate to the point of having an astral projection/lucid dreaming experience in those places?

[lycan]

Just a random thought: Have you considered a career as for example an airline attendant? Airline crews travel the most of all professions, and by hearing a friend talk about his wife (who does this) I get the impression that they also meet a lot of people outside of the job. His wife for example is Japanese, he is Austrian and they met in Thailand.

I considered other things but not this in particular. There is some resistance in me to even look into this. It does not seem like an easy job to get and the effort required feels like spending energy on a detour, on something to avoid going for what I really want. It took me a long time and a lot of introspection to even define modeling as a career of interest to me; I want it. If I can be as beautiful as I want to be, I can be a model. If I can be a model, I would rather be it than a flight attendant. If I can't, I think I would be depressed as a flight attendant. If I can't, I think I would be depressed no matter what I did. The idea that this could bring me closer to what I really want does cross my mind and appeal to me but I'm not sure I believe in that enough to make the effort to go in that direction.

[ButterflyWoman]

I'll tell you what I did to generate a complete personal and life transformation.

Intention, plus surrender. Most powerful combination, EVER. Works every time. Intend it, then let go of it (surrender it), and don't resist whatever happens as a result (you can usually tell when it's your own intention at work; at least, I can).

For me, the transformation took a couple decades (and it's still ongoing, though it's much more subtle and close to effortless now), but it was both internal and external (the external being a direct reflection of the internal, something I see and understand now; as within, so without). Many people have complete life transformations that are much quicker, obviously.

[lycan]

What do you mean by surrender?

[CFTraveler]

Let the universe decide the result.
For example (and this is only an example) I desire to have a beautiful car. I want a red car that goes fast and is beautiful. I visualize myself riding around in it, how it makes me feel, how it smells, how I go pick up my friend(s) and go have a good time. I do the work necessary to get it (affirmations, meditations, visualization). Then I let go.
I don't put conditions on the universe on how I should get this car. I let the universe decide for me. I don't decide what brand of car it should be- I let the universe decide for me.
Most of all, I don't put conditions on the universe on how this should be, I just know that whatever I get is the right thing for me. I let go of the desire to control the outcome.
If I don't get a car the next week I don't decide it didn't work, because I know that it is done for me, and if someone sells me a car cheap, or someone gives me their old car because they bought a new one and were feeling generous, I thank the universe, because I just got a car easily (or free, or whatever). It may not be the car I envisioned, but it's a car I got at the moment and for that I am grateful.
A wise man once said (I believe it was Robert Monroe) that the more random the universe is the more easy it is to manifest what you want- but when you start putting conditions on everything, (in other words, control every aspect of the outcome) the harder it is to do this.
I am rewording what he said of course, this is from memory.

[lycan]

How do you live your day to day life? What motivates you to do anything at all? How do you earn money for example? How do you find any reason in you to do anything at all? Especially things that require some kind of time investment, like training to be a flight attendant. A car is just something you add to your life. Having it or not makes little difference in your core experience. What I want is a core experience, not an add-on. If I let go of it I have no reason to get up in the morning, no reason to take any action during the day other than the satisfaction of immediate physical desires like hunger or getting off the bed because my back hurts from laying down for so long.

[lycan]

I have been waking up naturally in the middle of the night, alert, and managing to induce short, unfocused projections. This happened the day before yesterday and today. It feels like a positive sign.

[ButterflyWoman]

How do you live your day to day life?
Same as any other person. I get up, I do stuff, I make decisions, I go to bed. Rinse and repeat, as needed. :)


What motivates you to do anything at all?
Because things need to be done, or because I want to do them. By "need" to be done, I mean things like cooking meals and doing laundry and so on. I can say, "Screw it, I'm not motivated to cook dinner," but then we all go hungry and everybody's cranky, and that's just not something I like to experience, so there's my motivation for that. For other things, I'm motivated because I'm committed to doing them (such as essays for the degree I'm working on). For other things, I just want to do them, so I do.

I'm going to probably take six or eight years to finish my degree, and I don't even need a degree, especially not an arts degree in Ancient History. I just decided I wanted to do it, and that's why I'm doing it. The motivation is "I want to do this". If at some point I decide I don't want to do it, I'll stop.

It's entirely untrue that if you release your attachments you'll have no reason to get up in the morning. That's just your fear talking. When you lose the attachments, you're more free to do what you please, and to like what you do, even if it's boring (like doing laundry).

I think you should intend the core change you want. Decide it. Choose it. Intend it. Make up your mind that you'll have it. And then let go of the process, because until you do that, you're just going to be slowing it down or holding it back. You need to get out of your own way.

[lycan]

How do you make decisions? What I "want to do" is transform my life, to do things that I cannot do under current conditions. If I don't focus on having the life I want, even if just in my imagination, I have no motivation to do anything even remotely productive. My life doesn't become any more positive. I just drift through the day.

[poème]

Positive core experiences may help you feel happy for a time, but this will only be true as long as they will last, or even as long as the novelty will not wear off. Then you will end up feeling empty again, and you will always want more to feed the void.

True lasting happiness comes primarily from within, not without. You will not find lasting motivation to accomplish something if it doesn’t come from within, from let’s say, a desire to learn about yourself and to develop inwardly as the unique individual that you are and can be. The material world is the mean at your disposition to learn, to develop and to express your individuality, but it is not the end… And you can meet your end through various means. I’d be very surprised if really there was NO other option for you than male modelling. I am more likely to think that male modelling is for you one mean among many others to express your potential, which I’m sure is too great to be reduced to a single option. Not that you should give up, but as some say, it’s best no to lay all our eggs in the same basket.

One last thing… Be honest : am I wrong or are you threatening the universe that you’ll give up if it doesn’t grant your desire? ;) How about cooperating with it instead? Ask it to help you find what you really need to be happy for instance, or ask it to help you see who you really are and can become. Then let it surprise you… I know it worked for me. It could work for you as well then :)

[lycan]

There is nothing any of you can say that will make me willing to let go of this for the sake of something else, because it is not just about the "thing" of being a model, it is about having the freedom to exercise that choice. It is about being truly loved by God. It is not some fantastical notion of shooting fireballs from my hands, it's something that others already do. I will never surrender this if I feel coerced by "the universe" to abandon it because to me it implies that I am unloved. The idea of "letting the universe decide" sounds repulsive to me. The day I fully believe God is unwilling to provide me with this is the day I feel fully abandoned by God, which is the day I lose all desire to live. I know this from experience because I got close to that a few times and I had to find some way to hold on to, and it wasn't "surrender what you want" (that drove me deeper into the dark), it was "surrender the belief that you won't get what you want". It wasn't "trust that God knows best", but "trust in God's infinite power and love".

Stop telling me to give up and let something else show up. There is more resistance in me to that than you could ever hope to break through. This is the "deliberate creation" forum and I am here for a reason. I want to create deliberately.

[CFTraveler]

There is nothing any of you can say that will make me willing to let go of this for the sake of something else, because it is not just about the "thing" of being a model, it is about having the freedom to exercise that choice. No one has told you to give up your desire to be a male model, in fact, BW very clearly said that the core thing is to intend what you want.
What we were saying was not to try to control the way this happens or the details, and not to focus on what you don't want, because that is just going to get in your way.
The example of the car was just an example, I thought it was pretty clear in my description, a step by step guide, for you to insert your desire. I'm sorry that you didn't get it.
Good luck to you.

[lycan]

No one has told you to give up your desire to be a male model, in fact, BW very clearly said that the core thing is to intend what you want.
What we were saying was not to try to control the way this happens or the details, and not to focus on what you don't want, because that is just going to get in your way.

I'm more than willing to let God/The Universe handle the details. Maybe I have been focusing too much on what I don't want. It's just hard not to.



The example of the car was just an example, I thought it was pretty clear in my description, a step by step guide, for you to insert your desire. I'm sorry that you didn't get it.
Good luck to you.

I'll re-read it.

[poème]

Lycan, I didn’t mean to offend you in any way, but if my words sounded offensive to you, then I am sorry.

I didn’t mean to say that you should give up. On the contrary, keep holding on to your dream, and do all you can to make it come true. Like you, I do not think it is impossible or out of reach. But even if a dream is entirely realistic and possible, even if one is talented at deliberatly manifesting what one dreams of, and even though we all ARE loved by God/the Universe, disappointment may happen. If it would happen to you, would you then really start believing that God doesn’t love you? Loving parents do not provide their children with everything they desire, but that doesn’t mean they do not love them or care for them. Not at all…

It is my experience that what I intend to manifest sometimes comes true, but sometimes also doesn’t, or turns out different from what I expected. Disappointment happens, as I said, but I know I am loved and cared for nevetheless…Why would it be different for you? Why wouldn't you be loved too?

[ButterflyWoman]

How do you make decisions?
I don't think I understand. I just decide. I don't have any method for doing it. I just decide, and later, if I find I'm not enjoying what I decided to do, I decide something else. I see something that looks interesting and I decide, "Yeah, I'd like to try that." Or I see something that needs to be done and I say, "Yeah, I guess I'll do that." There's really no process at all.


What I "want to do" is transform my life, to do things that I cannot do under current conditions.
Yes, I understand that.

And I've done that, which is why I was responding in this thread. I was speaking from the experience of having undergone a complete life transformation, including my name and citizenship. My life now is about as different as can be imagined from what it once was.


If I don't focus on having the life I want, even if just in my imagination, I have no motivation to do anything even remotely productive.
Living in the future rather than the present is no way to live, and you can't find a centre or a power base there. It's not impossible to consciously make changes in that state, but until you're well grounded in your present reality -- which, after all is said and done, you created -- it's quite difficult.

But releasing attachment is not the same thing as giving up. I'm sorry that I'm unable to communicate this in a way that makes sense to you.

Let me try a metaphor.

Let's say you have a watch you love, but it doesn't work. You take it to a watch repair shop and say, "My watch doesn't work, but I'd like it to. I need you to fix it for me." And the repairer says, "Okay, I can do that. Give me the watch." And you say, "No, I can't, it's my favourite watch. If I give it to you, I won't have it any more!" and the repairer says, "I can't give you what you want -- a working watch -- unless you release it to me to work on."

Does that make more sense?

[ButterflyWoman]

It is my experience that what I intend to manifest sometimes comes true, but sometimes also doesn’t, or turns out different from what I expected.
Underlying beliefs and other emotional and mental gunk (subconscious stuff, generally speaking) can get in the way of conscious intentions.

Try intending to release the stuff that's keeping your conscious intentions from manifesting. That's an adventure all in itself. ;)

[lycan]

But even if a dream is entirely realistic and possible, even if one is talented at deliberatly manifesting what one dreams of, and even though we all ARE loved by God/the Universe, disappointment may happen. If it would happen to you, would you then really start believing that God doesn’t love you?

Disappointment has already happened. What I do is find a way to trust and persist. The way to trust and persist that I am investing in right now is the teaching of Neville Goddard.



Loving parents do not provide their children with everything they desire, but that doesn’t mean they do not love them or care for them. Not at all…

The only reason I can think of for loving parents to deny a heartfelt request from their children which is within their power to grant is fear.

[lycan]

But releasing attachment is not the same thing as giving up. I'm sorry that I'm unable to communicate this in a way that makes sense to you.

Let me try a metaphor.

Let's say you have a watch you love, but it doesn't work. You take it to a watch repair shop and say, "My watch doesn't work, but I'd like it to. I need you to fix it for me." And the repairer says, "Okay, I can do that. Give me the watch." And you say, "No, I can't, it's my favourite watch. If I give it to you, I won't have it any more!" and the repairer says, "I can't give you what you want -- a working watch -- unless you release it to me to work on."

Does that make more sense?

No, it doesn't make any more sense.

Do you mean letting go of the state of "wanting" and surrendering to the state of "having"?

[ButterflyWoman]

I don't know what you mean by letting go of the state of wanting, etc. That sounds like LOA jargon to me. I don't do well with jargon (sorry).

I'm sorry that I'm not able to communicate this in a way that you can understand or receive. Perhaps someone else will be better able to say what I'm trying to say.

[poème]

Disappointment has already happened. What I do is find a way to trust and persist. The way to trust and persist that I am investing in right now is the teaching of Neville Goddard.
I encourage you to keep going that way.


The day I fully believe God is unwilling to provide me with this is the day I feel fully abandoned by God, which is the day I lose all desire to live.
But if that day were to happen, I hope that you would also find within resources to keep trusting and persisting. If what you desire, no matter how heartfelt it is, doesn’t come true, it does not mean that God is ``unwilling to provide you with it``. There may be many underlying reasons behind this. There is one here, for instance :

Underlying beliefs and other emotional and mental gunk (subconscious stuff, generally speaking) can get in the way of conscious intentions.


The only reason I can think of for loving parents to deny a heartfelt request from their children which is within their power to grant is fear.
Fear… Or understanding and love? The child may genuinely believe that we he desires is what he needs, but sometimes it is not exactly so, in which case loving and understanding parents can see this and provide their child with what is best for him or her. I am NOT saying here that becoming a male model is not what is best for you. I can’t possibly know that. But trust God/the Universe/the Source that It knows what you need and is willing to provide you with it if you let It help you.
Good luck, Lycan.

[poème]

Try intending to release the stuff that's keeping your conscious intentions from manifesting. That's an adventure all in itself. ;)
I will, thanks ;)

[lycan]

Fear… Or understanding and love? The child may genuinely believe that we he desires is what he needs, but sometimes it is not exactly so, in which case loving and understanding parents can see this and provide their child with what is best for him or her. I am NOT saying here that becoming a male model is not what is best for you. I can’t possibly know that. But trust God/the Universe/the Source that It knows what you need and is willing to provide you with it if you let It help you.

What does the word "need" mean?

[poème]

What does the word "need" mean?

Earlier on this thread, you were asked this question :

Why is male modelling attractive to you? And what is the thing you want?
You did answer, but you can look deeper. If you look deeper, you’ll find what your true needs are.

That said, many persons on this thread replied to help you, but you offer great resistance. You want us to help you, and we want to help you, but you don’t let us, and so we can’t.

The same goes for your family and friends. Maybe they really want to help you and support you, but... Can they reach the real You, behind these barriers and defenses?

The same goes for God/the Universe/the Source, and I think this is what Butterfly Woman wanted to share with you through her watch analogy (when it comes to God/the Universe/the Source).

Don’t get me wrong here. I do not mean to be offensive. What I see is a defense mechanism at work, and as I see it, you are NOT your defense mechanism. Rather, your defense mechanism is there to work for you; it lets in perceived goods and keeps out perceived threaths, and does a good job as long as it is in balance. But it will work against your own good if it keeps out too much. I’m sure you can put your guards down, may it be slightly more, so that your loved ones, and so that God/the Universe may reach you and help you.

[lycan]

I don't know what you mean. Look deeper? Let my guard down? I don't find what you wrote offensive. But I don't understand what it means. It is very difficult to answer something like "why do you want this?" in words. No matter what words I try to use, they never seem to do the job. But this is as deep as it is going to get. I don't want this "so I can be happy". I want this because it is the only way I can know that I am loved by God.

Not getting it makes me feel abandoned and betrayed, unsafe, unfree and powerless, worthless. I don't feel worthless because I think models are the only things worth being or anything like that, but because I feel God doesn't think I am worthy of having that experience; I feel like a kid looking at his siblings open up the christmass gifts that he wants and then seeing that his parents didn't care enough to give him these gifts and gave him a pair of socks instead. I'm not looking for the thing to give me value and fill the hole but to demonstrate it and show me that there is no hole. The toy itself may not last, I may get bored of it the next day, but knowing that I received it is the true gift. The thing that would fill my heart with genuine joy. I cannot receive the true gift without receiving the toy. The toy is the only means to receive the true gift. Do you at least understand this feeling?

If something better, that aligns more closely to what I want comes to me, great. But nothing of interest to me seems to come; some events are more pleasant than others but fundamentally I hate the life I have, I am tired of it, it is a burden to me. I feel like I am slowly rotting inside. I have moments where I am more at peace with it but when it doesn't go away, when it doesn't change, I get weary again.

[ButterflyWoman]

I want this because it is the only way I can know that I am loved by God.
That's a limiting thought, right there. There are an infinite number of ways in which you might be able to perceive that you are loved by God. You're basically trying to limit God's ability to show you to just ONE thing (i.e., "If you don't do X for me, I'll know you don't love me").


Not getting it makes me feel abandoned and betrayed, unsafe, unfree and powerless, worthless.
Well, I know this feeling very, very well.

And it comes from having a narrow perspective. "If X doesn't happen, then it means God does love me". I had that perspective, too, and I was always miserable.

I think what you need more than anything else is emotional and spiritual healing. I hope you can be open to that. It will help you more than anything else will, trust me. The root of your unhappiness is in the way you experience your reality; if you change yourself, you change your reality.

As Marcus Aurelius said, "Our life is what our thoughts make it."

[lycan]

That's a limiting thought, right there. There are an infinite number of ways in which you might be able to perceive that you are loved by God. You're basically trying to limit God's ability to show you to just ONE thing (i.e., "If you don't do X for me, I'll know you don't love me").

I don't want those other ways. The specific thing of being a model is not necessary, but some specific thing which is equivalent or better than that is. I want to be a model primarily because I want to be beautiful and I want money without struggle... not that is not the right word... without sacrifice. Being a model is just a way, the latest way, my mind has come up with to align all my desires together, not just those two but all of them, in the most harmonious way possible. If there is a better way, I am open to it. I just haven't found it yet.



I think what you need more than anything else is emotional and spiritual healing. I hope you can be open to that. It will help you more than anything else will, trust me. The root of your unhappiness is in the way you experience your reality; if you change yourself, you change your reality.

As Marcus Aurelius said, "Our life is what our thoughts make it."

What does that even mean?

When I read posts like these what I feel is doubt that I can ever be who I want to be and that people, knowing this to be true, are trying to cushion the blow of that realization.

[lycan]

had some extremely positive dreams last night

[poème]

I don't know what you mean. Look deeper? Let my guard down? I don't find what you wrote offensive. But I don't understand what it means. It is very difficult to answer something like "why do you want this?" in words. No matter what words I try to use, they never seem to do the job. But this is as deep as it is going to get. I don't want this "so I can be happy". I want this because it is the only way I can know that I am loved by God.

Not getting it makes me feel abandoned and betrayed, unsafe, unfree and powerless, worthless. I don't feel worthless because I think models are the only things worth being or anything like that, but because I feel God doesn't think I am worthy of having that experience; I feel like a kid looking at his siblings open up the christmass gifts that he wants and then seeing that his parents didn't care enough to give him these gifts and gave him a pair of socks instead. I'm not looking for the thing to give me value and fill the hole but to demonstrate it and show me that there is no hole. The toy itself may not last, I may get bored of it the next day, but knowing that I received it is the true gift. The thing that would fill my heart with genuine joy. I cannot receive the true gift without receiving the toy. The toy is the only means to receive the true gift. Do you at least understand this feeling?

If something better, that aligns more closely to what I want comes to me, great. But nothing of interest to me seems to come; some events are more pleasant than others but fundamentally I hate the life I have, I am tired of it, it is a burden to me. I feel like I am slowly rotting inside. I have moments where I am more at peace with it but when it doesn't go away, when it doesn't change, I get weary again.

If I follow you well, what you really need is to know/realize that you are loved by God and worthy of such love (this need is the `true gift that would fill your heart with genuine joy` you refer to).

And so, to come to that realization, you want a proof that God indeed loves you. And you want God to prove His love to you (and your worth) through the mean you chose : He has to give you the toy you want or to you, it will mean that you are an unloved and unworthy child.

From what I understand, a part of you is aware that the mean to come to that realization is accessory. Hence why you call it a `toy that you may get tired of the next day.` It could be any other toy than the one you want. It could be anything; it could take any form. But another part of you wants to stick at all cost to the only specific type of toy you want.

If I were to take that parents/child analogy again, I would say that a part of this child does not give his parents the free will to choose how they want to show their love to him. And yet this child feels that his will is not respected by his parents because they don’t give him what he wants… His parents know that what he really needs is to be loved, and they do love him (and that is their true gift to him); they even show him their love in all kinds of way, but the child doesn’t see it, because he is only waiting for the one proof he wants. He is not aware (yet) that he is already loved and given that true gift everyday.

That said, as I see it, you are looking without (a materialized proof in the physical) for what is already yours and can be found within. Many say that we are all one, and that God is all that is: everyone and everything, and that is my belief also. That is why I believe you are loved (and worthy of such love) just like anyone else or anything else. If God were to select who or what is worthy of His love, then it would mean that God literally rejects parts of Himself, and it would mean that God is not capable of understanding these parts of Himself he rejects, nor is he capable of unconditional love…And yet, some persons here on earth show or showed that they are or were capable of such a great understanding and unconditional love. Surely then, so is God…



When I read posts like these what I feel is doubt that I can ever be who I want to be and that people, knowing this to be true, are trying to cushion the blow of that realization.


You can be who you want to be, within some limits in my opinion (but that's debatable). When I said that I encourage you to keep trusting and persisting, I meant it. It can happen. However, it can happen means that it may also not happen, so it’s a good idea to be prepared to accept this eventuality. It may not happen for all kinds of reasons: the timing isn’t right, what you want is not what you need, something better is in store for you, limiting beliefs work against your own good, real opportunities are not recognized as such therefore not seized, what you want enters into conflict with something else you want, what you want enters into conflict with what someone else wants, etc.

This shouldn’t discourage you from trying however. Keep trusting and persisting as you do. Like you, I think that your dream is achievable. I said it earlier, and that too, I meant it. Some people achieve some quite incredible things, and it is certainly because they believed in it, and made the necessary steps to make it happen, and/or seized the opportunity offered to them. If we want things to change, it is our responsibility to bring the necessary changes and take action to make things happen. We can ask God/the Universe to help us in the process but it is really, primarily, our own responsibility… It is actually a great freedom given to us, and I like to think that it is given to us because God/the Universe sees us as responsible children worthy of such freedom :)



had some extremely positive dreams last night

I'm glad.. It seems like a good sign :-)

[DatBillionaire]

Lycan why dont you read conversations with God?

The man of the book (real story) turned in less than a year from a beggar to a millionaire, I am sure being a male model is easier :).

Use your head, is everything you need, everything you need to manifest is inside you, you just need the right thinking pattern. The guy of conversations with God said or rather God said that we have everything we need (or we think the need) inside of us or if not the means to create it.

I am completely sure its not an impossible task what you seek.

[lycan]

Lycan why dont you read conversations with God?

I'll check it out.



The man of the book (real story) turned in less than a year from a beggar to a millionaire, I am sure being a male model is easier :).

I have a problem with such examples because money is very fluid, almost random in the degree to which it can flow in and out of a person's life. It is completely normal for people to turn their finances around, it is just something "external" that flows to them. It is not normal for people to turn into models. Professional modeling has specific biological standards. If you meet them, or at least come close enough, there are other factors that come into play but if you don't meet them, there is no real fluidity. I'm not saying it's not possible, I'm just saying the money example doesn't feel like the same thing. I have to believe that things the world tells me can't be done, can.



Use your head, is everything you need, everything you need to manifest is inside you, you just need the right thinking pattern.

Tell me more about what you mean by the right thinking pattern. I have been having trouble with controlling my mind and I'm very frustrated. It slips too easily into undesirable states.



I am completely sure its not an impossible task what you seek.

Reading this feels good. Thank you.

[lycan]

I would like to repeat this. Nothing objective in my life has changed. I had good periods where I was calm and hopeful and felt a sense of love within but I also went through some deep emotional crashes. If I had a gun within reach, I don't know if I would have been able to restrain the impulse to pull the trigger. I need help. Emotional changes do not last without objective changes. I'll re-read the replies to see if I can see/understand anything in them that I didn't before. I deeply hate the life I have and feel powerless to change.


I'm growing increasingly unwilling to live the life I have. The only thing that keeps me from suicide is the hope of change through "deliberate manifestation" and this hope is running thin to the point where I find it difficult to concentrate on visualization or on feeling good in general... or anything else at all, including distractions. My greatest desire is to be a successful international male model. I cannot do this unless there are significant changes in my body. Height is a big issue, but so is age, skin and hair. I don't want to model as a side hobby. I'm also near the end of what is considered an appropriate age for fashion models. Sometimes I break down in tears out of the feeling of hopelesness but I pick myself up. Other times I feel "euphoric" from the joy of trust. I suppose in a way "modeling" is a kind of symbol of what I want, more than the exact thing I want.

Certain things, aside from that, might help improve my trust and overall quality of life. I would like to move out of reach of my family and live on my own for a while but I have zero interest in running any sort of business or doing any kind of job. It's not that I am not willing to be active, it's that those things feel like detours, like giving up.

I'm focusing on inducing a dream state and acting out the things I desire there. I've had very limited success as my circumnstances make it difficult to do this. I have to wait until around midnight to go to sleep as I don't have my own room and there is usually people moving around and making noise around my bed in the early morning (they actually make more noise than necessary so that I'll get up) and all through the day.

Any suggestions?

[worthmore]

Profound changes in consciousness can happen when one reaches
a point of complete surrender. In my own life, during moments of
great depression, I asked my Higher Self to take charge of my
life and bear my burdens. I quickly forget my dependence when
things go well however, but I try every day to surrender again.

If things are that serious with you, you must try and find
professional help as well.

[ButterflyWoman]

If I had a gun within reach, I don't know if I would have been able to restrain the impulse to pull the trigger.
I've been there. You need healing. I seriously suggest you speak to your doctor or other health care professional. Suicidal ideation is not something to be taken lightly.


Emotional changes do not last without objective changes.
This is because you rely on "objective" changes for your emotional cues. You aren't getting peace or joy from within, from Spirit, but, rather, you're trying to derive them from the circumstances of your reality. You can NEVER be made permanently happy or be at peace from the outside in. It is impossible.