Noob meditator trying to find stillness again

[whipple]

Hi Guys,


I would like to share with you my experience of meditation so far and maybe get some advice from you. I am new to meditation but recognise the need make a proper commitment now to a routine, I have to retrain my brain and take control of my negative thought patterns and conditioning and to start working towards being a happier and healthier person.

I started out by doing mindfulness meditation sporadically 10 minutes a day in the morning which most of the time seems fine and I am comfortable with that.

Occasionally though I feel like I sense spirits in the room and it freaks me out a bit....I have not been completely comfortable with meditation since I had a few spirit attachments about a year ago, though these attachments were not caused by meditation but by going to a place riddled with earth bound spirits - this experience has now made me sensitive to to their presence.

The other thing I have been dabbling with is a form of TM or mantra meditation from "The relaxation response" by Herbert Benson, which involves breathing in and out and then saying "one" internally on each out breath.

I dived straight into it, picked up the book and started meditating from nothing up to an hour a day in the first week, but mostly it was 2 x 20 minutes. It was facinating I would be very tense and uptight, my mind working overtime and I would keep repeating the mantra and then after about 10-15 minutes - booom all tension would drain from my body, my mind would stop its henpecking thoughts, it was like an atom bomb obliterated all the noise in my brain and all the tension in my body.

After a couple of days though some strangeness started to occur. I would have a mundane and uneventful memory from my childhood repeating in my mind. Just of a caravan park I used to go to with my grandparents as a kid and playing a coin op there and another image of people camping under some trees.

The images seemed to be mundane and uneventful, just little snapshots popping up, but then I began to feel like there might be something sinister hiding behind them but I could not be sure as the same memory kept repeating itself, then after my meditations I would then start to become extremely anxious and depressed, I honestly started to think on a few occasions that I was going to loose it and go crazy, so I stopped and the extreme anxiousness and depression stopped.

I felt a bit defeated if I'm honest, but didn't want to risk my sanity. From there I stopped meditation and tried to be mindful as often as I could in everyday life - just tried to watch my thoughts and stop getting dragged into the past or the future. I read stillness speaks and practicing the power of now by Tolle and really tried to ingest the words. There were some beautiful moments by myself where I managed to be fully present and the background noise of my brain stopped completely and I was totally aware of the present, every sound, movement, leaves moving on a tree, the smell of the air and noise of the wind.

Once this stillness even lasted for a complete whole day, I felt completely at peace in my soul and without worry, tension or anxiety in my body, I felt wonderfully confident and without any fear just totally calm from within - I knew everything was going to be fine, that the universe was going to take care of me...this blew me away as I reached this state just by trying to be as present as I could and without any formal meditation.....but again the day after this I started to become anxious.

As I had always thought of myself as the voice in my head that was me (the ego) but this inner peace that came forward in the stillness seemed to be me also, the ego disappeared and this presence came forward to take its place. If I was not the voice in my head - then who was I? I began to freak out a bit as I seemed to be two - the voice in my head - and also the stillness. I am starting to think that this extreme anxiety is my ego's reaction to being silenced, even for a short time, it is terrified of it's own demise or of it possibly being silenced - this is my take on it anyway.

I tried again since then to reach that state of stillness again but have never some close....now I am beginning again, with a qi gong set which lasts for 20 minutes - it helps me stay mindful and is not as intense as mindfulness or TM meditation. It feels safe

I want to find this stillness again, I want to be able to tap into this in everyday life without fear.....does your meditation routine bring you this kind of peace everyday?

Has anyone else gone through this experience? Do you think I just need to take things more slowly to get back to that point? how did you overcome your anxiety? is this a common problem or am I just a nutbar?

Thanks

Whipple

[IA56]

Hi Wipple.

I have gone through all what you write about....I have bean living a very tough life...so for me come this thought....You are alive now....your memories will not kill you.....But all kind of relaxingness will bring to surfus things what has happened in the past and all kind of fears has to be released...it is why they come to be relesed and giving you the peace of mind you are seaking...but as it is said...all development goes through pain....so keep it up and find the safe place in you where you can go before you start your routine of meditation....build it up so strong that when you are at your safe place...nothing can harm you...even if you are watching or hearing or feeling threaths...know you are safe and alive....fears has to be relesed once and for all ...It take´s some practis but you will be victorious when not giving in to your fear.

Love
ia

[whipple]

Many thanks IA56, it is very reassuring to hear that somebody else has gone through the same things as me and that persevering will bring rewards.

So this is what is happening, I am releasing fear and stored up emotions, that is why I felt depressed and anxious? is it always like this or does it get better after a while?

Maybe I should try to find a group meditation class to find some guidance - how long have you been meditating IA56?

Thanks

Whipple

[IA56]

Hi Whipple.
To find a meditation class is very good for guidance.
I have meditated since 1989....I was in one group for some years between 1990 - 1995..it is very good to have someone to talk to after a session.
It is still hard when I hit a horror memory the fear is always the same and the horror is horrible, but now with the long practis I know that I have to relese the fear to become free from the horror inside of me.....I am alive and I know I will survive the horror memory and the negative emotion....Still I have so hard memories to go through but I do not fear them as much as I did in the beginning.....Like this week-end I did hit a old memory what did cause physical symptom´s but to breath through it is a must.... I had to take painkillers though to relese the cramp in musculus as it caused....it was one of the death memories and it did affect my lung´s so bad so I had so hard to breath....but as always...I am alive and now more free than before :-).

Love
ia

[whipple]

Since 1989, wow that is commitment. I am going to look into a class now, there are plenty where I live in Bangkok, it's just finding one in my language. I am not even sure what this memory is that needs releasing, (I am sure there are many) I think I may have completely blocked it out...it's interesting for me to find that you are still releasing stored up emotions after all this time and it's still powerful for you, my only worry was going nuts....if I'm honest...

What kind of meditation do you prefer? mindfulness based, vipassana or mantra based such as TM?

Thanks again for your knowledge - it's great to hear your story and experience...

[whipple]

..it was one of the death memories

Are you bringing up things from past lives?

[IA56]

Hi Wipple.

Our mind is so good to re-make memories, and it make´s them like an onion...so I have noticed that one memory from the beginning can have 20 layer´s before I hit the origin memory...so this is why it take´s so long time to relese these blocked memories....but I find it facinating when knowing how free it make´s me when I have worked out and hit bottom of the memory...and the real reason behing an event.

I do the TM meditating if my thought´s are wandering...I count to 10 slowly and keep focusing.
Mostly I sit in silence when my mind is calm.
Or I can have a question and meditate for an answere...so it depend´s what my need is.

Death memories is most from this life....I have bean threatnet since childhood and also my sister tried to kill me....by suffercating me with pillow´and putting me under water to try to drown me....so this is the starter and then I have met violent men..so the death memories come´s from these event´s.

I am happy you are finding a group of meditators for your support....Yes the feeling to go nut´s or crazy is one real blocker, but do not give in for the fear...learn to breath calm and center your self and talk calmly to your self...all is well...and keep breathing...all will be fine....as you know...all will be fine...you are alive and still here :-)

Love
ia

[whipple]

Thanks Ia, have been practicing every day for a couple of weeks now - and starting to feel much better / easier. Do you know Is it possible to release energy blockages purely through meditation? I have noticed that I seem to store pain in the center of my chest, that is an area that feels blocked or tight when I am sad or angry...I did some energy work a couple of days ago.

But today when I meditated I felt warm tickly energy flowing into that space where the hurt normally lives, in the centre of my chest and it feels looser and less tight.

[IA56]

Hi Wipple.

Yes,Robert Bruce´s energy work is very effective and powerful....I have got so much help from doing energy work that I do not eat any painkiller´s any more..I did drop the pain killers August 20 and have only taken one pain killer when I had a dream about my self what I had so hard to accept so my right lung went into a cramp and I was not able to breath so I took one pain killer to relese my breath so I could look at the dream and breath me to an acceptanse.....It is much easier for me to work with painfull memories and relese them now with help of Robert Bruce´s advise and energy work....so you are at right place, you get all help
you need from Robert Bruse knowledge.
Good luck now and it is to practis and practis what make´s a master :-))

Love

[sleeper]

try 'un-finding' things that move. once they are gone, stillness is all that remains.

[CFTraveler]

try 'un-finding' things that move. once they are gone, stillness is all that remains. Didn't Moen have a technique to do just that?

[whipple]

By 'un-finding' things that move. Do you mean don't pay attention to them, try to spend time in still and silent places to help presence grow?

On a side note: I meditated today and a few other times this has happened too, voices appear in my mind in the stillness, yet they don't seem to belong to me, they talk about nothing in particular really, they can be distracting, I try not to pay attention and re-focus on my breathing, just seem to be people commenting about their lives, telling their story talking about this or that, chattering away. Am I in some sort of trance state where I am semi dreaming and inventing stories? am not sure I am going to like the answer to this question....