brushing and sponging actions

[Gypsy]

Hey I have some questions that jave been concerning me and have hindered my progress with getting past day 8 on MAP. I had been doing it pretty well, although i still can't avoid finding my mind has wandered away every 5 seconds, so i just try to reset it to the only place i can and go from there. the tensing and relaxing goes fine too.

however, once i start doing the energy work i usually get very frustrated at myself and give up. it's like i start to scratch, then try to focus on a spot and can normally keep a certain spot, but then afterji start moving the awareness around i just drift away and it's like im just imagining going through the motions of doing it rather then feeling my actual body, not even visualizing it, just imagining it.

I don't seem to be able to do anything, even my dreams are all dead robot symbolism. could it be i'm not able to do these things because of years of dissociative trance planes and depersonalization? if i keep at it with the breath aawareness even when it feels like nothing should that eventually give way to some better or more real progress?

I've also been through a lot with negs taking my heart chakra and putting black holes in my subconscious, so then what's the order of things, psychic self defense before APing? i don't really want to get into it too much on this post but i have been through a lot of weird conditioning and have lots of fears of things like not being who i feel i truly am, feeling not in control of my own actions, feeling like theres a wall between me and old friends who i really valued a lot and looked up to (twisted into contempt and jealousy courtsesy of negs), and then also not being able to really get anywhere at all but frustrated by anticipation when i close my eyes to get something done.

if anyone has any ideas about this or has been through similar things i'd love to hear your thoughts or suggestions. thank's for helping.

gypsy

[Dan36oy]

i still can't avoid finding my mind has wandered away every 5 seconds, so i just try to reset it to the only place i can and go from there

How are you breathing? The awareness of your breathing is the bridge you must cross to reach a meditative state. Following the sensations and feelings of each breath, both in and out, helps to calm the mind. Feel each breath in progressive stages. Starting with the inhale, feel for the air at the tip of your nose. How does it feel on the inhale? The exhale? Any peculiar sensations? Next focus your awareness a little further inside the nostrils. What do you feel? Can you sense the movements of your nose hairs? Is one nasal passage physically blocked and constricting air flow? In progressive stages, gradually move your breath awareness from the tip of your nose, on through your nasal cavity and finally emptying into your lungs. Is the breath shallow? Does it concentrate in your upper chest? Ideally you will want the breath to expand into your lower belly, sides and back. You can even extend the range of your breath with certain "visual" techniques such as sensing each inhale as a cloud of white, pure, clean air that fills throughout your body extending to and beyond your fingers and toes, and exhaling a cloud of black stagnant air to be recycled into the surrounding environment. However you do it, you want to feel for everything. Your breath awareness and sense of feeling will increase with time and practice.

If your mind begins to wander, thinking about what you have to do at 4:30 or how bad the sales clerked pissed you off earlier; try to bring your awareness back to your breathing. Eventually your mind will quiet.


I've also been through a lot with negs taking my heart chakra and putting black holes in my subconscious, so then what's the order of things, psychic self defense before APing? i don't really want to get into it too much on this post but i have been through a lot of weird conditioning and have lots of fears of things like not being who i feel i truly am, feeling not in control of my own actions, feeling like theres a wall between me and old friends who i really valued a lot and looked up to (twisted into contempt and jealousy courtsesy of negs), and then also not being able to really get anywhere at all but frustrated by anticipation when i close my eyes to get something done

It seems that you have a lot of emotional stress going on in your life. I understand and relate how this can have a bad affect on your attempts to meditate or even relax for that matter. I personally am not one to opt seeing a therapist, but have you tried anything to heal your emotional baggage? Expressing your feelings is a good way to begin rather than blocking out negative emotions and hoping that they will go away on their own. You can even take the breath awareness exercise I describe above further into a self-therapeutic cum healing exercise. Use the exercise to reach a calm state of mind and when you are ready you can begin to reflect back on your life. Remember a time when everything went right, life was beyond good and you were truly happy. Rather than just visualize that time, try to actually feel how you felt at the time. Embrace the moment, smile or even laugh. Do this whenever you need to lift your spirits. When you feel able, reflect back in search of the root of your emotional stress. What was going on in your life at the time? What bad experiences did you encounter and so on? A lot of times emotionally stressful experiences are blocked, ignored and set aside, only to later resurface in other aspects of our lives when associations with the original experience are formed. I for one and still facing certain "demons" from events that happened years ago, that are now affecting my personal relationships. Through research, education and experience I have found that "exercises" like the above mentioned as well as living in the moment and expressing my feelings are effective tools in stamping out emotional and the interrelated physical stress. Keeping a journal, for me, is also very helpful.