GRATITUDE LIST

[buttercup]

-staying strong and not answering his calls, even if i'm not sure that was the right thing to do though it felt like what else could i do
-that he did try calling all those times
-shopping
-sleeping
-thinking i might give up diet soda
-that fantastic vegan cafe MH found and took me to yesterday
-that yesterday was a good day
-the sunshine and great weather yesterday
-getting all the job stuff i had to get done yesterday
-getting my lip injections yesterday
-MH cash-apping me money yesterday
-music
-fashion
-getting the money i was shorted and 2 checks i was owed
-getting refunded on an uber ride
-getting $5 uber credit from how often i use uber
-having a nice, curvy tight bottom
-my eyes looking younger when i wear half as much makeup
-yoga
-going to my favorite neighborhood in my city yesterday
-being friendly
-being charismatic
-seeing some of my feral cats today.
-getting my lorazapam yesterday when i was afraid i would have to go a few days without
-everything in the daytime seeming to work out really well for me yesterday
-doing more of the stuff i used to do again before my ptsd got worse from J stuff
-compliments
-my vulnerability
-my professionalism
-my charisma
-my kindness
-finding the perfect gift bag and tissue paper for D's gift yesterday
-peaceful sounds
-my sense of style
-water
-cleaning and decluttering
-meditating
-journaling today
-reading more of my book "the universe has your back" yesterday at the coffee shop
-having nice hair
-the internet
-my sexiness
-taking actions to create movement in my life
-my hyaluronic lip moisturizer
-my coolness
-the awesome life experiences that have helped me to develop some self worth, and things to fall back on and remember when feeling down
-my authenticity
-my intelligence
-colors
-romance
-smiling
-buying new pants i can wear to jobs today
-all the jobs i had the last week
-doing laundry and getting caught up on it
-appreciation

[buttercup]

-talking to D, finally. He filled me in on what he was up to, and said please don't go away and said to stay on the phone longer. i said happy birthday again and hung up. It was after he tried explaining himself about the other day. I just couldn't.
-that when I told D I needed him after MH was being a jerk, he called me right away twice. At the end of the conversation, in a low voice it almost sounded like he almost said he loved me. i swear it sounded like i l..
-that D let me get away with his breaking one of his rules due to how upset i've been.
-my new lips from my lip injections
-naps
-my hyaluronic lip moisturizer
-that 2 part of my gift for D came in the mail today
-that i was able to wish D a happy bday on his facebook the way he set up his settings
-how much D and I have in common
-that my feelings for D keep growing in a deeper way.
-my gucci t-shirt
-my jaguar necklace
-being creative
-being productive
-meditation
-night skies
-my sense of style
-fashion
-having beautiful eyes
-my feral cats
-hard seltzer
-my ativan
-my medications
-working towards finding more goals to push me forward more
-cleaning, redecorating, and decluttering
-my thoughtfulness
-greenery
-booking more jobs today
-buying more vitamins today
-my prada socks
-blankets
-sweaters
-the goose i seen today in front of therapy and conversed with
-my femininity
-my child-like side
-being a loving person
-my hulu subscription
-being a nonconformist
-physical exercise
-peaceful sounds
-cuteness
-smiling
-feeling good
-pleasant memories
-my intelligence

[buttercup]

-the sun peeking out just now
-support
-vanilla ghee
-yoga pants
-coffee
-my medications
-pills that calm me down
-getting some sun yesterday and lounging
-my style
-my leopard print coat
-cuteness
-telling the landlord about the debit card mishap
-strawberry waffles
-my creativity
-eating cleaner
-vegan food
-cutting down dramatically on the pizza this month
-shapes
-laying down
-being productive
-my hair color
-entertainment
-my hulu subscription
-my caring heart
-having a great landlord
-calming myself down
-trying to stay present
-having a lot of jobs this month
-my laptop
-flowers
-cats
-plants
-my femininity
-being smart
-pretty things
-water
-showers
-reflection
-rest
-fashion
-how much D shows he doesnt want me to let him go underneath his anger mood swings and bullying
-yoga

[buttercup]

-crying it out. makes me feel alive at least.
-the thought, love and care I put into D's gifts
-that D picked up his gifts and said he would look at them slowly when he got home
-a cute pic i can post on social media of one of them that i think is cute
-sweaters and hoodies
-blankets and pillows
-anxiety medications
-ibuprofen
-coffee
-the sun coming out
-D answering the phone right away this morning and being sweet and saying he will talk to me tonight
-my lip injections
-my hair color
-getting some inspiration from D about where to take my life direction
-having beautiful eyes
-having a unique beauty
-green grass
-water
-my skincare products
-my account getting higher
-paying my comcast bill today
-my new black work leggings that arrived the other day. These ones are thicker which i like
-face massage/face yoga
-cleaning the house a lot yesterday
-cats
-my sense of style
-music
-makeup
-the flowers i bought for myself yesterday
-getting cash credit after an uber driver was rude to me
-the color green
-humor and laughing at funny things
-acquintances to text
-that guy B i met in September who liked me texting me
-getting a pill from MH to calm down today
-reflecting on the weirdness of the day
-my cuteness
-compliments
-D saying he will talk to me tomorrow tonight
-pictures
-my creativity
-MH's wife offering me to crash at their place-
-MH staying with me until power went back on after we left their house to see if power was back on yet
-doing my job tonight
-getting some inspiration and direction today
-my nike rose colored and black shoes
-standing up for the girl at the grocery store when people were getting cranky and rude about waiting
-knowing cool people
-MH and I ordering a pizza tonight
-connection
-learning people
-being friendly
-my charisma
-buying a beauty magazine today at the grocery store, new razors and mouthwash
-being an interesting person myself
-my flowers
-being of a higher vibe then i was over the fall and winter
-sunshine
-greenery
-beauty
-being an honest person
-my beauty
-how much i'm growing as a person
-knowing directions a teeny bit now
-seeing my feral cats today
-cuteness
-my jaguar necklace

[buttercup]

-talking to D today, and how baby smooth he sounded this time and reassuring and realizing he was calling all those times today for concern about me not to yell at me or ask me any questions and he even seemed to know me well in that moment
-hydrocodone
-potatoes
-lattes
-the rent check clearing
-working for a vodka today
-cash app
-being productive
-mind clarity and deciding to be myself and post what pictures i wanted on social media, the way i wanted
-my hulu subscription
-the beautiful weather
-the wind
-stain remover
-my pink asos socks
-my gucci floral slides
-nightskies
-compliments
-sunshine
-hard seltzers
-my face thinning out
-my beautiful hair color
-beauty
-my beauty
-the generosity in people's hearts
-felines
-my lips
-romance
-my phone
-my medications
-getting more groceries today
-having a rheumatologist appt tomorrow
-that D is staying in my city, which despite it all is the best thing i wanted most of all back when we first ended in winter
-getting my business phone call done
-playfulness
-makeup
-my eyes
-that i manifested getting together with D. I don't even know if i remember setting the intention. it had to have been years ago. and when it happened, it was so surreal.
-water
-showers
-ghee butter
-lights

[buttercup]

-getting all my recaps in
-water
-paying a bigger chunk to my saks card
-getting over my fear and talking to D today
-reassurance from D and believing it and that he is staying here, and him and his ex are over
-shopping
-getting paid
-my lips
-a hydrocodone to calm me down
-seeing my feral cats today
-my beauty
-having a nice body
-figuring D out a little and sending him some messages i thought would be helpful
-how young looking i am
-fashion
-coffee
-feeling a little more "together" about things
-that now no matter what at least D is not with his ex and it's because of me, he's staying in this city, and we talk on the phone regularly now
-cute little innocent signs of how much D likes me
-cuteness
-yoga pants
-being considered attractive by others
-physical exercise
-deciding to give up diet soda
-colors
-my new succulent face mist
-sleep
-greenery
-wellness
-hard seltzers
-my thoughtfulness
-updating my resume
-taking others input into reflection
-laughing
-humor
-nice messages
-flowers
-all my jobs
-buying the domain i bought to try something out career-wise
-being talented
-getting the bike lock i was saving up
-a little movement coming into my life this month
-having an appointment with a new psychiatrist this week
-my hulu subscription
-being unique
-the internet
-my apartment
-being a nice person
-my phone
-hot guys
-manifesting hot guys into my life
-finding ways to put things on social media to express the way i want to
-adding some playfulness to my apartment with some nintendo mario wall decals
-my taste in things
-doing a spiritual grounding intention setting exercise the order day
-picking up a copy of newbeauty magazine for leisure reading the other day
-inspiration
-a project inspired by D i am working on with my artist i did another fashion illustration project with that turned out amazing a few years ago
-peaceful sounds
-chocolate
-photography
-beautiful imagery
-the sound of rain
-inner confidence
-self acceptance
-inner peace
-art
-pillows
-glamour
-deciding i need to go visit my mom's and brother's cat soon
-my strength
-stretches
-socks
-self reassurances
-my beauty products
-calmness
-yoga pants
-sweaters
-having great cheekbones
-creativity
-newness

[buttercup]

-the pharmacy telling me my ativan will be ready tomorrow
-getting angry about something with D and calling him up and yelling him and telling him how i really feel which ended up in me insulting and "bullying" him. which i feel like i needed to do after all he did to me. afterwards,i felt a release and couldn't stop smiling.
-sleeping last night after praying and affirming i would. after feeling way off and a bad breakdown yesterday, and some very symbolic nightmares this morning it seems like my inner demons wanted to come out to play. i was still shaking at 8 am and my brain felt funky and weird let myself sleep til 11 am and then was no longer shaking and my brain felt normal. this was from 3 days of not having my medication and i decided to embrace my pain a little and am debating trying to taper off the medication.
-self-nourishment
-m's husband talking to me on the phone when i had my bad breakdown yesterday
-people considering me attractive
-compliments
-cleaning
-having money
-shopping
-colors
-beauty
-being friendly to others
-cuteness
-uber
-laughing at life
-my hulu membership
-food
-showers
-having a lot of work this weekend
-focusing on the bigger pictures goals, and changes to make
-sunsets
-my beauty
-looking young
-looking thinner today
-taking control of my spiral down by trying to control my thoughts and praying
-getting prescribed a weight loss medication
-music
-art
-how beautiful my eyes are
-day 1 of giving up diet soda
-buying a new black shirt for work
-the free stuff i get from work
-buying my favorite candies from my favorite candy boutique
-getting the versace perfume i treated myself to in the mail

[buttercup]

-nourishment
-feeling sane
-soup
-sending my mom flowers for mothers day
-getting a pic of my brother in a text from my mom after telling my mom and dad to wish him happy birthday
-getting more recaps done
-odd compliments that strike a chord. someone who has an intense crush on me said he worships a god of chaos and that that's what i remind him of.
-my classy gray jacket
-going for walks
-space
-my weight loss medication i'm on
-having beautiful eyes
-staying calm and confident all will work out
-my body starting to look slimmer
-my gucci t-shirt
-my jaguar t-shirt
-shopping
-buying a red string of fate couples bracelet off etsy after having an intuition this morning to give to D sometime this month before he leaves for his tour
-my sense of style
-makeup
-blankets
-face massage
-water
-my new succulent face mist
-being talented
-being friendly
-peaceful sounds
-having nice hair
-compliments
-choosing to be in control of my reality
-feeling strong
-joining a new app that gives you cash back on purchases you make

[buttercup]

-hope
-inspiration
-going towards what feels good
-positive thoughts
-my moods being more stable
-squats
-getting my new incense and doing 2 energy meditations with it so far
-trying to stay away from drama
-staying calm about life
-sleep
-good food
-samples
-friendly people
-my hair color being touched up
-my eyebrows being threaded
-being considered smart
-flattery
-having beautiful eyes
-my sense of style
-getting my new bikini in the mail
-getting my candy package from my favorite candy boutique in the mail
-getting lingerie i ordered in the mail
-getting a teddy bear i wanted in the mail
-flowers
-cuteness
-new experiences
-opportunities
-the new retinol i've been using
-iced lattes
-my medications
-my hulu subscription
-makeup and beauty products
-plants and greenery
-my beauty
-sweaters
-blankets
-savoring
-water
-hard seltzers
-getting my mom flowers for mothers day
-having giving up diet soda
-art
-design
-my talent and skills
-safety
-being productive
-getting another recap in
-decluttering
-being kind and helpful
-entering some cat pictures in a cat calendar contest

[buttercup]

-how clean my slides looked when i washed them
-getting J to do my dishes the other night, which was very sweet and saved me a lot of time to do my other cleaning
-giving D his bday gift i didnt give him yet and the gift my intuition told me to get him and getting really creative with it and seeing him yesterday finally. it was really hard. he was sweet in some ways. not sweet at all in others. but i did what i felt like i wanted to do. and again at least he's staying in my city, and we did have something. even if he acts like i'm nothing to him now and incredibly mean to me now.
-my uber driver being very nice to me yesterday and handing me tissues and reassuring me i'm very beautiful and will find someone on the way home.
-J venmo-ing me $20 so i could get starbucks postmate-d to me when m's husband had no time to get it for me and had no non dairy creamer at his house yesterday
-my succulent face mist
-finding vanilla ghee at the grocery store near me
-sleep
-entering some of my feral cats in a cat calendar contest
-buying some lingerie from a high end label i like
-lounging in the sun yesterday
-my medications
-shopping
-deciding to schedule my dates for nyfw and that being the best deal for airfare
-compliments
-makeup
-the new retinol i've been using and how gentle it is and inexpensive
-beauty
-cuteness
-cats
-getting a draft done for the book i'm going to be in
-having goals
-yoga
-my hulu subscription
-my pink prada sunglasses
-my beauty
-vegan food
-pleasant memories
-my heart's desires
-taking positive actions
-trees
-greenery
-sky-gazing
-having beautiful eyes
-art
-feeling calmer about the buyers looking at the apartment
-my intellect
-staying motivated
-getting an even better dealing after my internet provider tried to hike up my internet price by twice as much
-music
-venmo
-cashapp
-strawberry waffles
-coffee
-colors
-walking
-my thoughtfulness
-letting myself feel my feelings
-my ambition
-spirituality